I shot up in bed; sweat running down my forehead to fall over my lips, making me accidentally taste the salty liquid. As I spit it out, the dream suddenly hits me again. Most people often forget what they've dreamt after waking up, but me, I'm different. It's more like I immediately remember everything that happened.
"…You have to let go of me" Johnny's words rung in my ears as if he was still saying them.
After a few minutes of catching my breath, I managed to drag my almost numb body from the bed, and stumble towards the door. Opening it, I was greeted with cheap and almost deafening Hank Williams music. I saw some of Shephard's gang in the hall, having a smoke.
When I passed the hoods, I didn't even realize some were greeting me. My way of walking was odd, and it was like I was learning how to do it for the first time.
As I made my way down to where most of the party was, I saw a familiar face.
"Ponyboy?" I said out-loud, my voice raspy and blinking twice to see if it was actually the auburn-haired boy and not my imagination. I already had one little hood to envision and I certainly didn't need another one.
He stood by the stairs and looked up at me "Dal, there you are, I have to talk to you……now, Darry doesn't know I'm here, he's going to kill me when he finds out….." Pony shook his head with a seldom face, he didn't seem to be real worried of the trouble he could get himself into with his older brother. His pale lips formed a straight line, and I wondered if they had ever smiled before. The old Ponyboy I knew was almost a memory to me now…. It's probably just me though. I could be wrong since I haven't been around the gang much lately. To put it simply, too much shit has happened recently for me to go hang around with my grease buddies.
Shrugging, I continued to go down the final steps "We can talk outside while I have a smoke" I told him as we began walking to the back porch of the ramshackle house, it was oddly empty out here. Beer bottles were lined up on the banister and I knocked some over to sit up on it. My worn-out jean clad leg outstretched before me as I looked out into the night, the nice cool air breezing through and ruffling my blonde hair. My eyes closed for a moment…
Pony stood by my side; he held a small distance from me. He's sort of done that more ever since Johnny died, something changed between us when that Greaser….left. Something changed in the whole gang. It was a strange vibe, somehow. We always said Johnnycake was our 'Gang's pet' and we could never get along without him, but I thought it was only a joke. Could it have been true all along?
"What did you want to tell me, Pon?" I asked, lighting the cigarette, which up to this point, I longed for.
"It's-It's……It's" The fourteen-year-old stuttered, as if he didn't really know where to start. This made me even more curious to what he wanted. It must have been important though, with him breaking his promise to Darry about staying out of a seeing range of Buck Merril's place and all.
"Just spill it, Curtis. I'm not in the mood for a Guess and Tell game right now" I told him, glancing back at his slender but slightly built form.
He nodded, and looked down "It's about…….Johnny" Pony said, his voice so low it was almost a whisper.
This got my attention, and I was staring at him directly. "What about him?" I asked, with a suspicious eyebrow arched.
"…..Lately……I mean, I went over to his parents house, and managed to talk to his mother while she was still sober and his father was out,……Well, she told me I could take anything of his, she hadn't even gone into his room after…….that night……..and" Pony rambled, and I knew he was having trouble trying to get to his point. The 'point', which was clawing at me from inside and making me burn with more anxiousness, although I was doing a great job at not showing it.
"What is it, Pon?" I tilted my head somewhat to the side and took a drag from my weed.
"Johnny…….I found these in his room……Johnny wrote them" He took out a small stack of paper that of course, must have been letters- from his back pocket. They were tied together by a rubber band and as Pony held them up, he looked at me strangely.
"He wrote these, a couple of weeks before the accident……..Some even earlier." Ponyboy continued.
"And what does this have to do with me?" It came out as almost a snarl, I didn't know why, I didn't even know why I was trying to come off as not interested, but I was…I truly was and wanted to know what was written in those letters.
.
"…….Dally……..All these letters are addressed to you, written for you……." He replied, slowly.
I was starting to sense something was wrong here, something was leaking out.
"You-you read them?" Was the only thing I could blurt out.
He nodded "………Dal, I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore…Is there…was there something going on between you and Johnny……?" He asked, a stricken almost determined look on his face at this instant.
Oh god, he knew. He was getting the idea and I was realizing why I had the dream I had.
Sitting up, "Let me see those" I ordered, out-stretching my arm and ignoring his question.
He shook his head "No, not until you tell me what the hell was going on!?……I'm not leaving until you tell me" He gripped onto the letters, looking at me with a expression that seemed confused……..and disgusted?
"You have guts, Curtis……" I simply responded, flicking my cigarette away and getting up to me feet.
"No, I just got questions…" He backed away, rather nervously, as I got closer to him. Approaching him slowly, like a predator would do when he has cornered his prey. But I was suspecting, this was different. The roles could be easily switched with the vital secret Pony knew, or was now just finding out.
"Well, those questions……Are none of your damn business, now give me those fuckin' letters before I pound on your-.."
He interrupted, his eyes wide "You were in-love with Johnny, you loved him and you knew it, you still do!" He said, his voice rising.
Quickly, I noticed the back-door to the house was wide open and yet still no curious glances were directed to us …….Not if Ponyboy shut his trap, their wouldn't be.
He began again, but I covered his mouth and dragged him to the corner, the dark shadow where the moon didn't hit. I could barely see his face but I think he could see mines.
I pushed him hard against the poorly painted wall. "Listen up……You tell anyone, I swear to god I will hunt you down and you do not want to do know what I'll do to you" I threaten, pointing my finger before his face. Some part of me was yelling "What are you doing!?" but the other half was furious. This was Ponyboy I was holding up against the wall, my hand around his neck so, he wouldn't run away.
Not even realizing I was breathing hard now; I could tell he was frightened. Suddenly, a part of his face came into view, and I could see his expression…he wasn't scared at all, he was mad. He was glaring at me, with what could almost be called hatred in his eyes.
"It's true, I knew it, the letters, all that…..feeling….just writing for you…..I knew their couldn't just be friendship there……..God, you guys are……this is wrong, Dal" Pony hissed, both our voices in a hush but firm tone.
"And what the hell do you no about this, Huh?……..You don't know the first thing about it, You don't want to know it…….You have no fuckin' idea what you're saying….." I wanted to yell, but couldn't. People I knew were just in the next room, but I was reeling with anger. This little twerp, I couldn't believe Ponyboy was evening talking to me about this matter and I was actually letting him! I knew he was trying to say, "This is sick! A boy loves another, sick!" But that wasn't the point, this was more……Their was more to all of it. It went deeper…….a deeper level. Oh god, no one understood……
"Dally, I'm trying to get through you…….Don't you see that this is wrong!?……"
I shook my head, but he was immobile in my tight grasp "Johnny's dead, gone, so there couldn't be possibly anything that is wrong anymore"
Pony closed his eyes for a second and as he opened them again, he sighed "But it doesn't change the part where you're not denying all of this. The whole time, their was something going on and I, the gang, didn't even notice it……" He quickened the pace in which he was saying his words, trying to cut through me, like I would let him. Change my mind, I knew what I was feeling, I was aware it was there but I couldn't just change it, no, never.
"It didn't happen……nothing happened between us when he was alive……only after" I stammered, my grasp around his neck becoming somewhat loose, but he was still pinned to the wall by me.
"After? Dally, listen to yourself! You're losing it, you're taking Johnny's death as an excuse to retreat from everyone and think……think you were actually in-love with him, do you even realize that you must of egged him on, made him believe-…."
I pushed Ponyboy harder against the side of the house, both my hands on each of his shoulders this time. "I didn't make him believe anything…….I admit it, I love Johnny……but that's all that was ever there, nothing ever went beyond admiring him from afar, I never touched him……." I choked on my words a bit, my eyes were turning glazed. I never touched him……Not like I did in my dream, never once in real life, when he was actually here.
I gazed at Ponyboy one last time, before turning around in a halt. My back facing him, I steadied myself on the railing of the white banister. "You don't understand, Ponyboy…….Don't try too" I said dismissively, taking air into my lungs and looking down.
"……I guess I won't…….Don't worry though……I won't tell" And with those final words, I could hear the sound of his foot-steps disappearing and he was gone.
Closing my eyes, I let a tear roll down my cheek. My knuckles became white as I gripped onto the railing, clenching my teeth, wanting to break something. I hated this, I don't want to……feel. Too many emotions running through me and I don't want to deal with them. Not yet, not never.
But I had too, Johnny told me……..He said that I needed to let him go, I knew I did. I couldn't spend the rest of my worthless life like this, sulking and longing for someone who is never going to come to me, never going to satisfy me.
"Pony" I called suddenly when the thought entered my mind again, turning around, but I already had the notion he was gone. Too far away to hear me now.
I had forgotten about the letters, those letters, which were meant for me but probably, not meant for me reading them.
Kicking the empty beer bottle that was on the floor, the need for another cigarette hit me once more. It was the best choice to calming down at this point.
As I patted my pockets, looking for the small box, I felt something else; I took out a stack of white paper with familiar handwriting all over them.
Pony had slipped them into my pocket while I was "assaulting" him.
My hands began to quiver a little. Why? I was anxious yet once again afraid of what I was about to read and find out.
Slowly, I opened the first one.
Dear Dally,……….