Title: Keep Myself Awake-Letters, What now?
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
A/N: I skip around from letter to letter in this chapter. The first letter is the most recent one, and then it goes farther back.
Once more thing, I know this is a delicate matter I am writing, and some people have serious reviews that say they "Don't Approve", the only thing I have to say is that I am not seeking any sort of approval. Putting to use what I can or cannot post on F.F.net, and my constitutional right for freedom of speech, that people simply not read this story if they have issues concerning the premise of it and what I am writing. In short, if it's against your beliefs or morals, you can always click out of this fic. I don't want to offend anyone, I just want to…..write fanfiction.
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on
the pain
The only thing
that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar
sting
Try to kill it
all away
But I remember
everything
What have I become?
My sweetest
friend
Everyone
I know
Goes away in
the end
You could have it
all
My empire
of dirt
I will let
you down
I will make you
hurt
I wear this crown of
shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath
the stain of
time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?
My sweetest
friend
Everyone
I know
Goes away in
the end
You could have it
all
My empire
of dirt
I will let
you down
I will make you
hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
-Cover of Johnny Cash's song "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails
Dear, Dally 09/15/66
As I write to you, always you, I'm sitting on the cold floor of this church in Windrixville you had sent me too. Pony's at my side, sleeping with his head on my lap. I feel sorry for the kid; I can tell he really wants to go back home. Even I want to go back, but I'm afraid. I keep telling him it's going to be all right, that when we return home everything will have cleared up with the fuzz. But I know, what I'm saying, I'm lying. I'm lying to my best friend! I'm also scared of what the Socs might do to me, not just the police. Being here at Windrixville, for the first time I didn't have to deal with the stupid rivalry, I wasn't labeled "Just A Greaser", I don't even think most of the people around here even knew what that means. I can't stay here forever though; I can't let Darry and Soda suffer Ponyboy's disappearance because of me! I wish that night never happened; I wish I never killed that guy. I took away someone's life, Greaser or Soc, it doesn't matter. All these problems are appearing and they're all because of me! I did it, I killed the Soc! Not Ponyboy, Not you, nobody. Yet everyone is worried and shocked! You're suppose to come soon, like you promised. I've decided to go back with you, me and Pony. I'm turning myself in because guilt is eating away inside of me, guilt and fear. I hate this feeling, it's like I have knots non-stop in my stomach and theirs no cure for them. I'll tell the Fuzz it was all my fault, Pony never did anything and I'll say you never helped us. Never. I wouldn't want you in any more trouble than you already are. I couldn't bare that nor risk it. You got to promise me, Dal. Please, let me do this, don't stop me. I know you have this thing for me, you treat me like something special and you look out for me, but you can't now. You just can't. You were the only person that I could think of to go to when I needed help and you're still that person. Dal, I need help now but not on this. You're never going to read this, but before you come, before Ponyboy wakes up, I have to write it. Tell you, that……..I love you, I always have. You're my friend, my hero, and I'm going to miss hanging out with you, learning what everyone thinks is useless from you even though I don't think it is. If you did read this, you'd think I was a sensitive idiot. I wish I had the guts to give this letter to you, and let you know that there is someone out there who cares about Dallas Winston.
Love,
Johnny
Dear Dally,
I just got back from my first rumble. It was a blast! I never felt such a rush before, me and Pony teamed up, together we were unstoppable…. At least up until I got kicked in the stomach and Pony got slugged pretty hard across the jaw. I noticed the way you fought, never once stopping to pant like most of us were doing. You just kept at them, I almost feel sorry for any Soc that was up against you. I don't know, that was something I've never seen in you before. Like burning flames suddenly erupted from a campfire. You were alive and the whole purpose, our purpose for the while was….fight, only fight
Your Friend,
Johnny
Dear, Dally
I met your new girlfriend today, I saw you two at the DX. She sure is pretty for a Grease-y girl but kind of….raw? I can tell you like her, or at least her body, since you're always touching her. I was getting a coke from the cooler and I saw you two through the open door of the back room. I don't want to say what I saw, but for a moment, all I could do was…stare, my mouth open and almost dropping the glass bottle of Coca-Cola I barely had in my hand. I don't know what was wrong with me…...I'm even more confused in what I felt right there, seeing you with Sylvia.
…..I think it was
Jealousy…..?
Your Confused Friend,
Johnny
Dear, Dally
Today it's raining, so I'm stuck here at my house. My parents are fighting. Again. I think it's the third time today and it's barely 2:00pm yet. I don't want to be here, I just know my dad is going to come into my room any minute now, and beat me. He always does, especially with that black belt of his. Why do parents have to hit their children? It doesn't teach them anything, just makes them afraid. I guess that's what they want after all. I hate being here, I want to leave right now, maybe I'll climb out the window so, I won't have to face the two people I can hardly think of as my Mom and Dad anymore. I want to be where you are. I want to hang out with you. I want to be with you Dally, not here, in hell. I just….want.
Want…..That's all I've been urging for lately. Want.
….Luv,
Johnny
Dear, Dally
I turned sixteen today, I didn't really think much about it when I woke up this morning. My parents hadn't said anything (I don't even think they knew) but when I got to the Curtis' house everything was dark, to my surprise, once I stepped inside, everyone jumped out. I even saw you come out of one of the rooms, and for a brief moment, I caught you smiling….at me. I think that was one of the best gifts I got today, thanks for the switchblade though. It could come in handy someday. This has to be the greatest birthday I ever had. I'm grateful for having the guys as friends. I'm glad you were even there…..I like the way you can talk to me and never give me any shit. You treat me like a friend, and that's exactly the reason I want to tell you what I've been beating myself up the past weeks and it's also the reason why I CAN'T tell you at the same time. I don't want to scare you, hell, I don't want to scare myself. Lately, everything has been changing….my views….my feelings. It's like a puzzle, I've been one all my life and just now am I starting to find the other game pieces to finish it, me. It's confusing but I can't tell you what I'm trying to say, not yet.
I hope you'll understand some day…..
Luv,
Johnnycake
Dear, Dally
I can't take it anymore!! I can't hold it inside any longer; it's clawing at me from the inside like a cat. Dally, I'm just going to come out and say it, but since I'm too chicken to ever face you, instead I'm writing it down. I doubt you're ever going to read this, but if you do, I want you too know that I can't stand living a lie. I've been thinking differently this whole time, I don't know what's wrong with me, and I know theirs no cure or antidote to what I have…. Should I be ashamed? Disgusted? Last night, I dreamt of…you. We were together, just the two of us, like always but this time it was different, entirely. We did things, I shouldn't be thinking, things I wouldn't even tell Ponyboy! I woke up in the middle of the night, I took a cold shower and…….I burned my hand slightly on the kitchen stove, I put it over the small heat. I'm clutching my left hand as I write, and I still feel….dirty…..No, not dirty, I still have this feeling inside of me….
Dallas Winston, I think I'm
In-love with you
Now what?
Love,
Johnny
Dear, Dally
I tried telling you today how I felt. Some part of me kept saying that if I just confronted you and got it over with, it would disappear, the way I feel, the way my heart almost skips a beat when your around. God help me. I tried, I really tried telling you but when I got to Bucks place, I went up to one of the rooms, I wish I hadn't…..
Well, you were in one of those rooms and when I opened the door, I saw you already had company. Sylvia.
I ran out
I think I cried, I can't remember
Now what?
I'M ASKING YOU! NOW WHAT?
I'm not going to do this anymore; I'm not going to beat myself up over you. I'm over with. I know you would never feel anything towards me, and if I told you how I felt, you'd just think I wasn't a man.
Well, guess what, Dallas? I'm doing something a man would do, I'm letting go….
Your Buddy Forever,
Johnny
I hoped you liked this chapter, sorry if you didn't. Please review!