Title: Keep Myself Awake
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
A/N: Thank you so much, Jkb, I really appreciated that review of yours. It made me feel a lot better after reading it, and want to write more & more for this fic. It's my favorite of all I've done, anyway, but again, thank you. And it is true what you said.
Like I mentioned, anyone who has a problem with slash, you can always click out of this fic. Everyone is different, I happen to have no issues or problems with this matter but I'm me, I respect if you don't… It's not my judgment against anyone.
Chapter dedicated to Jkb, for being awesome.
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still in my heart this moment
Or it might burst
Could we stay right here
Until the end of time until the earth stops turning
Wanna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
Wanna stay right here
'Til the end of time 'till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
Wanna stay right here
'Til the end of time 'till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you 'till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
-"Gorecki" by Lamb
A.K.A: Ideal Johnny and Dally song.
I've been here all night; still at the same spot I was when Ponyboy left me. I lean my head back on the banister wall, and close my eyes tightly. I clutch onto Johnny's last letter in my already cold hand, but I can't let go of it. I can't even look down at it. I sniff hard, letting the cool air that I had been sitting in for hours into my lungs.
When I finally do open my eyes, I see the sun is coming, peeking out between trees. For a while, at least it seems like a while, I watch it. Johnny had always wanted me to see one, I never understood why, I guess I never even paid too much attention to what he really meant by it.
But as I watch the sun set, it's coming up, moving so slowly that I can't even tell if it is at all, I swallow the lump in my throat.
How could I have been so stupid? So fuckin' blind? Johnny Cade was dying even before he went into that church, he was mourning because of…. me. Because I hadn't given him the time of day, returned the feelings he had for me, Dallas Winston, this entire time.
Again, I have to say I was a blinded mouse. I never even saw it coming, and I want to kick myself for that.
Yet theirs that other part that I keep avoiding, I don't even want to think of it. It's the part where…what if Johnny had actually told me how he had felt?
Would I have acted on it? Would I even give him a chance to explain?
He thinks I thought he wasn't a man, or less than one. How could that even cross his mind? his greased head? I would never…
I feel my hand shaking, I'm grabbing the letter so tightly I feel like it's about to rip into shreds if I even move. I would be lying if I said I always, from the beginning, loved Johnny Cade.
I didn't think of him like he had about me, not then.
My vision is becoming blurry and clouded, I know it's not because of my lack at sleep…it's because I'm crying, trying so hard not too!
I clenched my teeth, I'm aware that I could shatter them all "I'm sorry, Johnny" I sputtered through my mouth, trying not to open it, my lips like a sealed case.
It wasn't that I didn't love him; I did but not in that way back then. I'm realizing that I didn't love Johnny more than the 'Gang's Pet' until after he had needed help, after he got hurt in the fire.
And even then, I couldn't admit to myself how much I really did care about him. The night before he died, the night of the rumble between the Greasers and good for nothing Socs, I talked to Johnny….
It was our last conversation together, just the two of us. He kept trying to say something to me, but I warned him to calm down, he was getting too anxious for a person in his condition, he was so weak…
I kind of knew what he was trying to tell me that night, but I didn't let him.
I didn't let him tell me anything; I kept repeating to myself, to him, everything was going to be all right, we would talk again.
The reason I acted the way I did was because I was confused, I didn't understand what I was going through.
It was in the room, when Pony and Two-Bit had visited, after asking about Johnny and how he was… was when I realized I loved the little twerp. He was more than a friend, he was more than a brother figure, he was just more.
I buried my head into my hands, and drew my knees up on the railing. Trying to hide my face from everything: the cold, the sun, everything.
If I could turn back time, I would do it in an instant. If I could only go back to that night, where I came to him. I would…. collapse in front of his bed, I would cry like a baby and tell him, even shout it, that he meant so much to me. He couldn't die, I wouldn't let him!
I would kiss his forehead, I would kiss his wet cheeks since in my fantasy, he would be crying too. I would kiss his whole face, until I got to his lips, his soft lips.
I wouldn't care if anyone came at that moment, not even the nosy nurses. Everything would be n'sync and all that would be left was the two of us, in the barely lit hospital room.
Of course, this was only a fantasy and they live up to their names.
I decided after today, I would crash at the Curtis house for a couple of days, if they even let met through the house with Ponyboy probably telling them how fucked I've become.
Even though he promised, I got to keep reminding myself that.
I couldn't stay at Buck's anymore, at least not for now. Too many things have happen to me in this animal house, but most of those things never even did occur. They were all in my dreams….
So, I have a point. Tonight, well, morning actually, is going to be my last time here for a while.
When the clock hits a decent time, I'm off.
Off to the Curtis' house. I don't know what lies ahead for me and my dreams, these dreams that happen every time I close my eyes. I can't even blink without seeing Johnny smiling at me, grinning some how. But theirs something, a gut feeling I'm having that keeps telling me to go to the three brother's house……
This. The gut feeling I mentioned, it's Johnny.
Johnny needs me there.
A/N: Next chapter will be soon, the up-coming one will be the beginning of the end for "Keep Myself Awake". Don't worry though (If you actually do like this story), I'm going to have a couple of more chapters up. Just "one" long dream, one long adventure for the amazing duo that, in my opinion, were the best characters in the book even though they both died. *sniff *