The lyrics are from "My Immortal" by Evanescence... such a good song :)

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Did he know that I loved him?  I don't know.  I was with him when he died.  I was by his side until he took his final breath and the last thing he saw was me.  I told him he would be okay, even though I knew he wouldn't.  He knew it too but he played along anyway.  He held my hand and smiled, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb.  Even then I didn't tell him how I felt.  Why not?  Because I was scared?  Maybe.  They told me to take some time off work, to take some time to deal with my grief – but I didn't.  I have to keep working because if I stop then everything that's happened really has happened and he's really gone.

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral.  They said it was a security risk.  I wanted to go.  I wanted to say goodbye because I didn't say that to him either.  I could have gone to visit his grave but I haven't.  Not yet.

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

I'm always tired now so I sleep a lot.  It doesn't help because I'm not sleeping properly.  I don't mind.  I only sleep because of the dreams anyway.  I'm with him when I dream, and I'm happy.  The dream is mostly the same.  I don't know if it really counts as a dream because everything that happens in it really did happen.  We're in the hospital and Vaughn is holding my hand.  I tell him he'll be okay, and he smiles.  Then he closes his eyes, he stops stroking my hand and I wake up crying.  Sometimes the dream is different.  Sometimes we're in Taipei and he makes it through the door.  I don't know which dream I prefer.  I'm happier in the second one but it destroys me when I wake up.  Even in the dreams I never tell him that I love him, though I always want to.  Something inside me tells me that if I can just say it everything will be better.  But I never do.

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind

Your face it hurts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

Habit gets me to work every day and habit makes me tell the right lies to the right people.  Something – habit, perhaps – gets me through the day until I can dream again.  I can see what the dreams are doing to me but I don't care because when I'm dreaming there is a chance that he will still be alive when I wake up, or that he'll die knowing how I feel.

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

"Just one more night," I tell myself, as I do every night.  Soon I am asleep and his hand is warm on mine.  But tonight the dream is different.  "You'll be okay," I tell him, even though I know he won't be.  He smiles and strokes the back of my hand with his thumb.  "I love you," I say, tears threatening to spill down my face.  "I know," he relies.  Then he closes his eyes and is still.

I've tried so hard

To tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

I am sad when I wake up, but I do not cry.  I get ready to go to work but I go to the cemetery instead.  The intense grief I have felt over the past few weeks is lessened now that I have told him of my love.  I feel a sense of peace wash over me as I lay the flowers on his grave.