CHAPTER FIVE

Connor shifted uncomfortably in front of the fireplace where he was huddled. Too many eyes were on him. Buffy and the red-head, an older man who peered near-sightedly at him through thick glasses much like Wesley did and a young girl with long hair who kept smiling at him. She sat next to him.

"You're sure you're okay?" Willow's bright eyes studied Connor intently.

"That bell tower wasn't very high," Gunn replied, with a dismissive wave of his hand. "He likes to sky off high rises back home."

"I'm fine," Connor said, glaring at Gunn for daring to speak for him.

"Sky?" Dawn asked as Buffy shoved things around in her weapons' chest, trying to find a water gun.

"Jumps," Gunn supplied.

Dawn turned incredulous eyes on Connor. "How? Why?"

"He's not that bright," Gunn snorted and Connor curled his lip at him.

"You're jealous." Connor jutted his chin out at Gunn.


Gunn shrugged. "It would be handy if I could do that."

"How can any normal human do that?" Dawn's eyes squinted as if she were trying to discern if she were being told the truth.

"Connor is special," Wesley said.

"Yeah, I know the feeling," Dawn said wryly, as the front door banged open.

Angel and Spike stumbled through it. Both vampires still looked rattled.

"I've enough problems without some bloody Shirobjis mucking around in my head," Spike muttered, walking into Buffy's living room like he owned it.

"You'll get no arguments from me. Giles, you need to tell Buffy," Angel called before coming into the living room. "Oh, you're back. Sorry about leaving you out there, Buffy. Did you manage to handle the shirobjis?"

"No, looking for a water pistol. I don't seem to have one." Buffy pouted. "I'm going to have to go to Xander's. I so hope he didn't take Anya back there. I don't want to walk in on anything."

"Where'd you pick up the runt, Dawn?" Spike asked, his eyes flicking towards Connor. "Toss him back. You can do better."

"Hey!" Connor protested, his blue eyes hardening like steel.

"He's my son, Spike," Angel rumbled, looking like a wild creature protecting its cub.

Spike dropped his cigarette but caught it before it could hit the floor. A few sparkly ashes fell from the tip. He stamped them out before they could damage the rug.

"Spike!" Buffy admonished.

Spike waved her off. "What did you say, mate?"

Angel sighed, his body going loose. He didn't want to have to get into it with Spike. "Connor's my son."

"That's not possible." Spike crossed the room to loom over Connor who scowled up at the slim vampire.

"You must have missed the big explanation yesterday," Angel said.

"I have an uncle?" Spike reached out and touched Connor's hair. "He doesn't look like much."

Connor swatted away his arm. "I'm guessing I can't kill this vampire for some reason."

"You got it," Gunn said, rolling his eyes.

Spike snorted, plopping down on the floor next to Dawn. "You kill me? Think mighty highly of yourself for a little thing, don't you?"

"He's very capable, Spike," Angel said wearily as Dawn shoved Spike. "He seems to enjoy killing vampires."

"How in the world did this happen?" Spike reached out to touch Connor again and got swatted again.

"It's a long story and we don't have time for this." Angel turned to Buffy, hoping to get them back on track. "Buffy, Spike and I will be useless against the Shibojis."

She nodded, putting her weapons chest back in order. "I think I can handle this alone."

"I can help," Connor piped up, an eager expression on his face.

"Um, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't know you yet and I'm a little…" Buffy trailed off, shifting uncomfortably.

"Freaked out," Dawn supplied with an apologetic shrug.

"I was looking for a better word." Buffy gave Dawn a stern look. "But yeah."

"Connor can stay here and help me tell Giles and Angel about the skinning deaths," Wesley said and Connor pouted.

"Gunn can sit in for me. There's something important I have to do. It's been put off too long," Angel said. "And it's something I need to do alone." His tone was one that would prevent any arguments.

"I'll brief everyone," Wesley said. "Hopefully we'll have a plan started by the time you and Buffy get back."

Angel nodded and headed out the door. He walked to Cordelia's, trying to gather his thoughts as he went. He hadn't expected Connor to be in Sunnydale. He owed it to Cordelia at least to be the one who told her his son was around. He didn't want her to be surprised. No one answered the door but he could see a light on and hear someone moving inside.

"Come on, Cordelia. I know you're in there. We have to talk. I'm not going anywhere until we do." Angel hated this, standing there yelling like an angry boyfriend so all the neighbors could hear but it worked.

Cordelia opened the door. Her pretty face was puffy from lack of sleep, her eyes swollen and red. Angel nearly forgot he was angry with her. All he saw was the girl who had become close as a sister to him. He could see in her eyes that she didn't want to talk to him but he couldn't let this go.

"May I please come in?" he asked. He'd never been in Cordy's home in Sunnydale. Back when they both lived here, Cordelia had been little more than an annoyance, someone he tolerated for Buffy's sake. How things had changed. Cordelia had grown into someone special in L.A.

"Come in." She wearily dragged herself toward the living room and gestured at the couch. "I was hoping you'd give me the time I need to sort things out." Cordelia didn't look at him.

"And I would have, only I know about you…" Angel trailed off, trying to figure out how to end that. But from the look on her face he knew he didn't have to.

"Oh, God!" Cordelia glanced up at him, her eyes going wet.

"And I was going to still wait for you to come to me to talk about it but things changed tonight. Wes is in town and he's brought Connor with him. They have information on the skinned bodies we found. Connor hasn't asked to see you yet but he'll want to. I just thought…well, that you should be prepared for it."

He thought she managed to mumble a thank you before breaking down into tears. He embraced her tightly. Holding her there, Angel saw things more clearly than perhaps he ever had. He did love Cordelia, not really in the romantic sense but as family like he had been thinking earlier. He had proof now, sitting here with the strange desire to take away her pain. She was family. And that could be far more special than being a girlfriend. Girlfriends came and went. She was a replacement for Kathy. In her own way - once he cut through the blinders well-meaning friends had put on him – he could see Cordelia for what she really was to him. She was his heart. Buffy was his soul and at this point he had no clear claim on either one. He felt almost as sad for himself as he did for Cordy and his son.

Finally she pulled away from him, reaching for the Kleenex box on the table. He knew these were hardly the first tears she had cried. Cordy blew her nose then stuffed the tissue in a bag full of them. "I didn't want you to know, Angel. I didn't want you to find out like this."

"I would have found out eventually." Angel paused, seeing something in Cordelia's dark eyes. "Oh. I wouldn't have known, ever. That's what you're saying."

Cordelia looked away, levering herself off the couch. "I'm sorry, Angel. I can't imagine how much you must hate me right now."

"Cordelia, I don't hate you," he said softly.

She snorted, dragging a hand through her hair, which was far more unkempt than he had ever seen it. "After what I did, I don't blame you. Worse, you know what I'm planning to do. How can you not hate me? I hate myself."

Angel got up and crossed over to her. He pulled her into a cool hug, kissing the top of her head. "I don't hate you. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't hurt by all of this. I know you care about Connor. I'm not going to press you to explain why it all happened. That's for you to tell me if you want or not. I'm still a little stunned by this turn of events. I can't imagine what you're feeling now Cordelia but I want you to know I'm going to be here for you, no matter what."

Cordelia snuggled against him, her body trembling. She tilted her head back, letting her hair fall away from a tear-slicked face. "Even if I abort your grandchild?"

Angel tried to keep the emotion off his face. He knew he wasn't entirely successful. "Yes, even if I don't approve."

She pushed away from him gently. "How can I have this baby, Angel? It's not fair. This wasn't supposed to happen. I can't have a baby, not now. Connor's too young to be a father and yes, I know I should have thought of that before I slept with him. I just didn't…I was so stupid."

"I wouldn't say stupid." Angel ran a thumb along her cheek. "This has been a very hard time for you, Cordelia, confusing. Being taken to that higher plane and returned without your memories. You had to be terrified and we weren't much help. You still have to be frightened."

"I am," she whispered. "You don't know how scared."

He pulled her back into an embrace. "You're right. I don't. But I'll do whatever I can to help you. I promise you that. All I ask is that you think this through, Cordy. You just found out about the pregnancy. Give yourself time to be sure you really want to end it."

She shook her head. "I don't need time, Angel. I know it's the right thing to do." She looked up at him waiting for him to renege on his promise to stand by her.

Sorrow filled his dark eyes. "I'm not going to tell you how to live your life. I just…" he bit off the rest of his thought. "You do what you have to and tell me how I can help."

"Don't tell Connor, please. I don't want him to know." Cordelia stepped back, crossing her arms over her chest. "I wish no one else knew but probably everyone does."

"Outside of Connor and Wesley, probably."

"This is so humiliating." She scrubbed a hand over his face. "I feel so horrible."

"These people are your friends, Cordy. They'll understand and support you. That's what friends do," Angel reassured her.

"Thank you." She took a deep breath. "I thought you'd scream at me or be furious at my decision. I know you don't like it. I can see that and I can respect why. It's just…I know this is the right thing to do."

"And I'll stand by you just like I said. I won't tell Connor because if you do have an abortion I don't want him to know. Don't tell him, not ever. It'll be better that way." Misery laced through his words and Angel seemed somehow smaller to her.

Cordelia started crying again and Angel held onto her. When she cried herself out once more, she squeezed his hand. "You probably have a lot of work to do with this thing that brought Wesley down here in the first place.  You should go do it."

Angel nodded. "I'll be here for a while. If you need me for anything, you know where to find me."

"I appreciate that, Angel. And I'm so sorry I made such a mess of everything."

"I know you didn't mean to, Cordy. You didn't want to hurt anyone and that makes all the difference," Angel said and she smiled at him as she led him to the door. Angel went out into the night, feeling  so far beyond sad he didn't even know if he could make it back to that state. He was numb. Part of him knew Cordelia was right. Having this baby could damage so many lives. But then again, it was his grandchild and he could never feel right about ending its chance at life. He wouldn't interfere, though. It wasn't his right to do so. He only hoped that Cordelia didn't come to regret this choice. Trying to put it out of his mind, trying to bury it deep so he could do what he needed to, Angel headed back to Buffy's to find out what Wesley had learned about the murders.