Acceptance: The final stage of grief. It is when you realize that life has to go on. You can here accept your loss. You should now be able to regain your energy and goals for the future. It may take some time to get here but you will
A loud tapping sound was heard at the door of Dr. Barnett's office, and she yelled for the person to come in. Much to her surprise, it was Agent Bristow that walked in, not Mr. Tippin as she had been expecting.
The experienced agent took a seat in the chair across from her, looking slightly uncomfortable. She spoke firmly, holding her chin high with a resolution. "I'm ready to talk."
The doctor folded her hands neatly across the desk, nodding her head to Sydney. "Why don't you start at the beginning? I've had an outside view of how you were feeling, but I'd like to hear it from you."
She smiled grimly, almost not knowing where to begin. "I'd always had dreams, well, nightmares really, of my career ending Francie's life. They became so regular I'd grow somewhat immune. When it actually happened, I thought it was just the most vivid dream ever. I always thought I was dreaming, so I tried to protect myself from feeling the pain, because I'd wake up soon, and Francie would be alive. It took weeks for me to realize the dull aching was real pain, and Francie was really dead. I wasn't asleep."
"Francie hates this movie...oh god." She broke down in Vaughn's arms, sobbing in agony of the loss she just now realized to be true. She stayed like that for at least an hour, rocking back and forth until her water supply ran dry and the fatigue settled over her eyes. Collapsing heavily into Vaughn's embrace, she dozed heavily. Her night visions were filled with blood, Francie's blood, and with the sound of guns firing in the distance. Moments after the gunshots, she heard screams, Francie's screams. Waking up suddenly, she found herself tangled in arms and under several blankets that adorned her bed. Vaughn kept his hold tight, and she sank into it, tears still falling down her cheeks.
"And then I felt so enraged I couldn't look at anyone who knew her. I became angry with myself, my father, Will, Vaughn, the whole world. It felt like everyone was against me, so I shut it out. I'd go running for hours, hoping that the feel of the pavement under my feet would lessen the pain I felt, or drive away the anger. There were times I wouldn't even know what I was angry at, just that I was in so much rage I needed to get away from anyone I could hurt. " There were times she let herself rage out loud, and her father was involved in one of those incidents.
"Sydney, you need to stop acting like a child," Jack spat at her, trying to evoke a rage.
It worked. "A CHILD? You think I'm acting like a child? Dad, my best friend is dead, and it's my entire fault! In fact, you should be glad I'm speaking to you at all, because it's partly yours as well! You never prevented me from entering this life. This life killed Francie! You know what? I'm done with it. Everything. I swear I'm never speaking to you, Will, or Vaughn again. Because we all killed her. Everyone one of us." She almost slapped him, but held back and stormed away, slamming the door behind her.
"When the rage left me, I felt desperate to get Francie back. I tried everything I could, from resigning to cooking her favorite meals. My last resort was somewhere I hadn't been in 20 years. A church. That is something I still don't understand now, what drove me there. But after praying, I realized there was nothing I could do." Praying had surprised her, because she always saw religion as something people used as a crutch. But she had done it anyway.
She drove aimlessly, searching for answers and coming up empty. The large sanctuary beckoned to her soul, so she did something she hadn't done in nearly 20 years. She prayed. The pews welcomed her tired body, and she sat there, tears sliding down to rest on her folded hands. "God, I know I have no right to be here, and definitely no right to be asking you of anything, but Francie didn't deserve this. She was a really good person, and I need her back. Will needs her back. Please, give me back my best friend." A few hours passed before she realized she had drifted off to sleep. Rising quietly, she left the dimly lit church and went home.
"After I realized Francie wasn't coming back to me, the depression sunk in. I was tired all the time, and my appetite diminished rapidly. Its strange, I've studied the symptoms of depression, heard of them nearly my whole life, but when it happened to me I was clueless. It took a huge eye-opener to realize what I was feeling was beyond normal grief." The memory came back to her, threatening to tear her eyes and choke her throat. She held back, however, because the CIA didn't need to know everything.
Her life was pressing a large pillow over her face, slowly suffocating her. That night, it was too unbearable, so she drugged Vaughn before pulling him over to the bed. Their last kiss was gentle and soft, the complete converse of what she was feeling. The glass was frigid and it felt like her fist was resting on ice. "Oh god Francie. I never wanted to put you in danger, and I was selfish to let you get so close to me. I killed you, just like I killed Danny. I have to end this now, so I don't kill Vaughn or Will or anyone else. I love you so much, sweetie." The words were thick on her tongue, and she gulped as her fist smashed the glass. Vaughn's actions unnerved her, and she listened to his plea with a sinking heart. He wasn't going to let her go easily; that's why she drugged him. In the end, she couldn't sacrifice his life with hers, so she gave in. It was only the next day that she realized how close she had come to making Vaughn feel the pain she bore. Grief.
Dr. Barnett raised her eyebrows questioningly. "Can I ask what that eye opener was?"
Shaking her head, Sydney replied, "That's something I'd like to keep to myself. But it really woke me up, made me see how stupid I was being. Francie wants me to be happy, and she would be down here now, shaking me and telling me to get over it and move on. I love her, she was my only family for a long time, and it was so hard to let go. But, after three months of hardcore grieving, I think I can."
The tombstone was gray marble and the sun's reflection bounced into her eyes. She traced the inscribed lettering delicately, hoping to find words to express her thoughts. "Francie... I'm sorry I've acted like such an idiot. For the longest time you were the only person I could truly count on to be there, and now that you're gone I feel a little lost. Don't worry, I'm starting to get back on track, but losing you was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life." Her hands stopped moving and came to stop on top of the marble headstone. "I love you. Keep Danny company, ok?" Walking away slowly, she looked over her shoulder to the place where her best friend should have been, but there was only an empty coffin. An empty grave.
"So you think you've overcome your grief?" Dr. Barnett asked with a light smile.
Sydney smiled in return. "Yes, I think I have."