A/N Feedback would be nice and thank you to those who leave a review for each post : ) Thanks Laura for beta-ing this for me : )
A/N Just a recap for those wondering what the relationship is between young Max and young Logan. Their parents are business partners (Biotech) so growing up, I think it's fair to assume that they had some interactions in parties, gatherings etc. Then Max's parents died so she temporarily stayed with Logan's family until her next of kin, her Uncle Donald, came to take her in for good. A lot of the flashbacks take place during her stay with Logan's family. If you reread the prologue and part 1 now, I think it will make a lot more sense : ) Sorry for the confusion
Part 5 Max was flipping through her notes as she walked inside a spacious conference room. She was early so it wasn't a surprise that no one was there yet. Fortunately though, someone had sense enough to put coffee and croissants on a small table by the entrance. She took a bite of the croissant, it wasn't exactly the petite dejeuner it was trying to imitate but it would do since she was hungry. Max then picked up a cup and poured herself some black coffee as she made a mental note to get a Cappuccino machine for her French Vanilla. The coffee tasted bitter as she swallowed it so she tried opening some sugar packets while she balanced her reports on one hand. The packet ripped open and tiny sugar crystals spilled all over at the same time everything she was carrying fell on the floor.
'Damn!' Max settled her cup on the table and stepped back to gather up her files.
"Aww!" She heard someone behind her cry out in pain as she stepped on what obviously was the person's toe. She swung around and readjusted her footing as she took hold of the person's arm to balance herself.
Looking up to apologize, she found herself standing next to Logan, a paper thick distance away from him.
"Sorry." She mumbled as Logan caught both her shoulders to help her balance.
"Its alright, you didn't hear me coming. You know, with the carpets and everything." He said not breaking eye contact from her, his breath teasing Max's lips as he said each word.
Max, for the first time, was not able to avoid looking into Logan's blue eyes. They were full of concern and questions and everything she didn't want to deal with just yet. Things she didn't know how to handle yet.
Moments passed and the two of them stood in silence, unmoving.
Then Max broke the spell that seemed to have taken them both. She cleared her throat and stepped aside, breaking free from Logan's gaze and touch.
"I was just going over the editorial for Bioethics." She managed to say as she picked up the papers on the floor. Logan took a step back to help her but she stopped him. "No, it's ok, I got it."
Straightening herself, Max asked, "So, um, yeah, do you have your presentations ready?" She felt dumb asking the question, of course he had them ready, but she couldn't think of anything else to say.
Logan's heart sank. It had been a week since their dinner and the only exchanges that took place between them were business conference calls and the like. Maybe he was expecting too much from Max. Maybe she needed more time to get used to him before they could get rid of the anxious tension that surrounded them every time they were together.
Accepting defeat that Max would not cooperate with his subtle lets-be-friends plans, Logan answered somberly, "Yeah, they're done, it should be good."
Max felt Logan withdraw, it panicked her yet soothed her all at once. She didn't feel like he was trying to lure her into some trap anymore, yet she felt a surprising sense of lost. "I'm sure it is."
All the Editors in Chief from Biotech's journals slowly made their way into the room, each one stopping by to get breakfast and cordially chatting to both Max and Logan. As soon as everyone was at their places, Logan started his presentation.
Max looked at Logan as he explained a pie chart to his attentive audience. What was she going to do with him? Their dance brought back feelings of panic she thought she had gotten rid of. They used to invade her when she was most vulnerable, during her sleep. She would dream herself locked up in a dark corner of a room. Abandoned, unworthy and unloved. Logan was there like a shadow but he didn't move, she would beg and scream for him but nothing would happen. Then she would wake up, more lonely and aware that she was alone.
Max hadn't had any panic attacks since she was sixteen, the year when she finally accepted that she was on her own and Logan would never come to get her. The year when she finally convinced herself that she didn't care anymore. That she wasn't scared to go out in the world and dare because she had nothing else to lose. She had nothing else except herself.
There was a time when she hated Logan. It had hurt her to realize that the one she trusted most could ever abandon her by choice. She literally based her whole life to a promise he made when she was taken away from him. He said he would get her back but he never did. She waited but he never came. Sometimes, Max felt sorry for the naïve child that she was. For how gullible she had been to actually believe him.
She used to think that it was her, that there was something about her that made people go away. Maybe she was right but she soon stopped worrying about her unworthiness. After being subjected to intense pain for years she stopped giving a damn. She grew confident as each minute passed that Logan no longer affected her. That she could forget about the past and live her life as she pleased.
But how could she? How could she trust anybody again when people who were supposed to love her had left her alone? She had work so hard to deal with the consequences of her past. She had deluded herself that she had come to terms with it all. She hadn't, and deep down she knew that. She tried to forget and at times she would almost succeed.
Seeing Logan again had so much baggage attached to it. What was she to do? Could she treat Logan like any other man she worked with?
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Max took off her runners as it became apparent that she couldn't play inside the sandbox without getting sand inside her shoes. She put it aside on the wood that enclosed her and the handful of other kids playing. A blond little girl about Max's age waved as she jumped inside the box. Max reluctantly waved back and then continued working on her sandcastle.
"Hi I'm Diane. Never seen you here before." She said joyfully as she picked up a shovel to help Max.
Max expressionlessly looked at the girl who took her shovel and accurately recalled that she never gave her permission to touch it. "I'm Max." She reached out and took her shovel away.
"You just moved?" Diane grabbed a bucket by her feet and improvised, using her hands to fill it up.
"Yeah." Max then informed Diane impatiently, "These are my toys you know."
"I know." She smiled and continued filling up her bucket. "I'm helping you."
Commotion at the other end of the sandbox stole Max and Diane's attention. With all the confidence he could muster, a chubby little boy with rosy cheeks and upturned nose walked over to a group of kids who, to Max's estimate, were four year olds or less.
"Yikes, Brandon's here." Diane's disgust was obvious on her face as she reached inside her pocket.
Max observed as a girl in ponytails and frilly lilac dress looked with panic to where the grown ups were sitting, which was a good ten meters away from them. The nannies were too busy gossiping to notice the change of mood in the play area. Brandon made his way to the girl and he took something from her hand. Max watched with interest as Brandon inspected what looked like a coin and gave the girl an approving tap on the head. The girl then let out a breath of relief and continued playing.
"Here, give this to him when he comes." Diane shoved a piece of Lindt in Max's hand.
"Why?" Max looked at the chocolate and started unwrapping it.
"Because if you don't, he'll be mean to you. You won't come here anymore." Then in a conspiring tone, she added, "That's what happened to Nica, she's my best friend before you. Here he comes, don't look at him, just give him the candy, ok?"
Max popped the entire chocolate in her mouth as Diane's jaw drop in disbelief.
"Hey kid, Diane explained you the rules around here?" Brandon paused in front of Max, trying to intimidate.
"Yes." Max stood up, she was tall for her age so she was a good five inches over him.
"So, what have you got for me?" He was unabashed.
"This." Max shoved the boy away and he landed on his butt. By this time, all the kids were watching in suspense and wondering at the same time if the new kid had some loose screws in the head.
Brandon's face reddened with anger as beads of sweat pooled on his nose. "You! You!" He picked a handful of sand and threw them to Max. "I'll tell your mom you pushed me, you'll be in so much trouble."
Max, not bothered by the dirt on her curly hair, stared at Brandon who was already back on his feet. "I don't have a mom."
"What? Then I'll tell your dad! Yeah, I'll tell your dad. He'll get his belt and give you a good whipping." Brandon said threateningly, thinking of those days when his dad would get mad at him.
"They're both dead." Max said blankly.
All the kids cried out with pity, except for Brandon who laughed hysterically. "Ha ha ha!!! What are you, an orphan? Oh..... I'll tell the police you pushed me. They're gonna take you away and put you to jail." Then for added drama, Brandon said in an exaggerated whisper, "And you'll live with rats and you'll live all alone forever. No one there but you!" He paused to let his imagination work, then quickly continued, "They won't give you food and you'll starve. That's why your parents died you know, coz they don't love you, coz you're a BAD kid."
Max stared ahead, no longer able to mask her pain. Brandon stopped talking, realizing that he shouldn't have said what he did. "I'm sorry."
"You're right." Max turned back and started walking away.
Logan was sitting in his car and listening to the radio when he saw Max coming. He assumed that she had finished playing so he started the engine. To his surprise, Max walked pass his car and started running away.
He hurriedly got out to catch Max. "Hey Max! Where are you going?"
Max continued running so Logan run after her, she was pretty fast for a little kid.
"Max wait, what's going on?" Logan grabbed Max's waist and swung her around to face him.
"Go away!" As much as she tried, Max couldn't keep her tears from falling anymore.
"Hey, why are you crying?" Logan kneeled down, already thinking retribution to whoever made Max cry.
Max started kicking and hitting Logan but he tightened his grip around her until she stopped, soothing her with "it's-OK-it's-OK".
Between sobs, Max managed to say, "Brandon was right, they died because I was bad, ((sob)), they don't love me, ((sob)), nobody does ((sob))."
Logan cradled Max's head and forced her to look at him. "You know that's not true Max. Your parent's love you, and my mom, and my dad..."
"Stop! Don't lie to me!" She snapped, more angry now than hurt.
"...and me." He smiled as pulled up the bottom part of his shirt to dry Max's tears.
"No you don't!" Max shoved Logan's hand as soon as her face was dry. "You're always teasing me"
"That doesn't mean I don't love you." He said as he gave her a big kiss on the cheek.
~~~END OF FLASHBACK~~~
But Logan would be what he always was. No matter how hard Max tried to hate him or ignore him or not care about him, he would always have a special part in her heart. If not in the heart of the woman she'd become then in the one of the child that she was.
She adored Logan, and he broke her young trusting heart. Not anymore, Logan would never hurt her again; she would never let him.
Max smiled, not only because Logan's presentation was finished but because she knew exactly what it was she needed to do.
Max needed to forgive Logan so she could heal herself.
A/N Just a recap for those wondering what the relationship is between young Max and young Logan. Their parents are business partners (Biotech) so growing up, I think it's fair to assume that they had some interactions in parties, gatherings etc. Then Max's parents died so she temporarily stayed with Logan's family until her next of kin, her Uncle Donald, came to take her in for good. A lot of the flashbacks take place during her stay with Logan's family. If you reread the prologue and part 1 now, I think it will make a lot more sense : ) Sorry for the confusion
Part 5 Max was flipping through her notes as she walked inside a spacious conference room. She was early so it wasn't a surprise that no one was there yet. Fortunately though, someone had sense enough to put coffee and croissants on a small table by the entrance. She took a bite of the croissant, it wasn't exactly the petite dejeuner it was trying to imitate but it would do since she was hungry. Max then picked up a cup and poured herself some black coffee as she made a mental note to get a Cappuccino machine for her French Vanilla. The coffee tasted bitter as she swallowed it so she tried opening some sugar packets while she balanced her reports on one hand. The packet ripped open and tiny sugar crystals spilled all over at the same time everything she was carrying fell on the floor.
'Damn!' Max settled her cup on the table and stepped back to gather up her files.
"Aww!" She heard someone behind her cry out in pain as she stepped on what obviously was the person's toe. She swung around and readjusted her footing as she took hold of the person's arm to balance herself.
Looking up to apologize, she found herself standing next to Logan, a paper thick distance away from him.
"Sorry." She mumbled as Logan caught both her shoulders to help her balance.
"Its alright, you didn't hear me coming. You know, with the carpets and everything." He said not breaking eye contact from her, his breath teasing Max's lips as he said each word.
Max, for the first time, was not able to avoid looking into Logan's blue eyes. They were full of concern and questions and everything she didn't want to deal with just yet. Things she didn't know how to handle yet.
Moments passed and the two of them stood in silence, unmoving.
Then Max broke the spell that seemed to have taken them both. She cleared her throat and stepped aside, breaking free from Logan's gaze and touch.
"I was just going over the editorial for Bioethics." She managed to say as she picked up the papers on the floor. Logan took a step back to help her but she stopped him. "No, it's ok, I got it."
Straightening herself, Max asked, "So, um, yeah, do you have your presentations ready?" She felt dumb asking the question, of course he had them ready, but she couldn't think of anything else to say.
Logan's heart sank. It had been a week since their dinner and the only exchanges that took place between them were business conference calls and the like. Maybe he was expecting too much from Max. Maybe she needed more time to get used to him before they could get rid of the anxious tension that surrounded them every time they were together.
Accepting defeat that Max would not cooperate with his subtle lets-be-friends plans, Logan answered somberly, "Yeah, they're done, it should be good."
Max felt Logan withdraw, it panicked her yet soothed her all at once. She didn't feel like he was trying to lure her into some trap anymore, yet she felt a surprising sense of lost. "I'm sure it is."
All the Editors in Chief from Biotech's journals slowly made their way into the room, each one stopping by to get breakfast and cordially chatting to both Max and Logan. As soon as everyone was at their places, Logan started his presentation.
Max looked at Logan as he explained a pie chart to his attentive audience. What was she going to do with him? Their dance brought back feelings of panic she thought she had gotten rid of. They used to invade her when she was most vulnerable, during her sleep. She would dream herself locked up in a dark corner of a room. Abandoned, unworthy and unloved. Logan was there like a shadow but he didn't move, she would beg and scream for him but nothing would happen. Then she would wake up, more lonely and aware that she was alone.
Max hadn't had any panic attacks since she was sixteen, the year when she finally accepted that she was on her own and Logan would never come to get her. The year when she finally convinced herself that she didn't care anymore. That she wasn't scared to go out in the world and dare because she had nothing else to lose. She had nothing else except herself.
There was a time when she hated Logan. It had hurt her to realize that the one she trusted most could ever abandon her by choice. She literally based her whole life to a promise he made when she was taken away from him. He said he would get her back but he never did. She waited but he never came. Sometimes, Max felt sorry for the naïve child that she was. For how gullible she had been to actually believe him.
She used to think that it was her, that there was something about her that made people go away. Maybe she was right but she soon stopped worrying about her unworthiness. After being subjected to intense pain for years she stopped giving a damn. She grew confident as each minute passed that Logan no longer affected her. That she could forget about the past and live her life as she pleased.
But how could she? How could she trust anybody again when people who were supposed to love her had left her alone? She had work so hard to deal with the consequences of her past. She had deluded herself that she had come to terms with it all. She hadn't, and deep down she knew that. She tried to forget and at times she would almost succeed.
Seeing Logan again had so much baggage attached to it. What was she to do? Could she treat Logan like any other man she worked with?
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Max took off her runners as it became apparent that she couldn't play inside the sandbox without getting sand inside her shoes. She put it aside on the wood that enclosed her and the handful of other kids playing. A blond little girl about Max's age waved as she jumped inside the box. Max reluctantly waved back and then continued working on her sandcastle.
"Hi I'm Diane. Never seen you here before." She said joyfully as she picked up a shovel to help Max.
Max expressionlessly looked at the girl who took her shovel and accurately recalled that she never gave her permission to touch it. "I'm Max." She reached out and took her shovel away.
"You just moved?" Diane grabbed a bucket by her feet and improvised, using her hands to fill it up.
"Yeah." Max then informed Diane impatiently, "These are my toys you know."
"I know." She smiled and continued filling up her bucket. "I'm helping you."
Commotion at the other end of the sandbox stole Max and Diane's attention. With all the confidence he could muster, a chubby little boy with rosy cheeks and upturned nose walked over to a group of kids who, to Max's estimate, were four year olds or less.
"Yikes, Brandon's here." Diane's disgust was obvious on her face as she reached inside her pocket.
Max observed as a girl in ponytails and frilly lilac dress looked with panic to where the grown ups were sitting, which was a good ten meters away from them. The nannies were too busy gossiping to notice the change of mood in the play area. Brandon made his way to the girl and he took something from her hand. Max watched with interest as Brandon inspected what looked like a coin and gave the girl an approving tap on the head. The girl then let out a breath of relief and continued playing.
"Here, give this to him when he comes." Diane shoved a piece of Lindt in Max's hand.
"Why?" Max looked at the chocolate and started unwrapping it.
"Because if you don't, he'll be mean to you. You won't come here anymore." Then in a conspiring tone, she added, "That's what happened to Nica, she's my best friend before you. Here he comes, don't look at him, just give him the candy, ok?"
Max popped the entire chocolate in her mouth as Diane's jaw drop in disbelief.
"Hey kid, Diane explained you the rules around here?" Brandon paused in front of Max, trying to intimidate.
"Yes." Max stood up, she was tall for her age so she was a good five inches over him.
"So, what have you got for me?" He was unabashed.
"This." Max shoved the boy away and he landed on his butt. By this time, all the kids were watching in suspense and wondering at the same time if the new kid had some loose screws in the head.
Brandon's face reddened with anger as beads of sweat pooled on his nose. "You! You!" He picked a handful of sand and threw them to Max. "I'll tell your mom you pushed me, you'll be in so much trouble."
Max, not bothered by the dirt on her curly hair, stared at Brandon who was already back on his feet. "I don't have a mom."
"What? Then I'll tell your dad! Yeah, I'll tell your dad. He'll get his belt and give you a good whipping." Brandon said threateningly, thinking of those days when his dad would get mad at him.
"They're both dead." Max said blankly.
All the kids cried out with pity, except for Brandon who laughed hysterically. "Ha ha ha!!! What are you, an orphan? Oh..... I'll tell the police you pushed me. They're gonna take you away and put you to jail." Then for added drama, Brandon said in an exaggerated whisper, "And you'll live with rats and you'll live all alone forever. No one there but you!" He paused to let his imagination work, then quickly continued, "They won't give you food and you'll starve. That's why your parents died you know, coz they don't love you, coz you're a BAD kid."
Max stared ahead, no longer able to mask her pain. Brandon stopped talking, realizing that he shouldn't have said what he did. "I'm sorry."
"You're right." Max turned back and started walking away.
Logan was sitting in his car and listening to the radio when he saw Max coming. He assumed that she had finished playing so he started the engine. To his surprise, Max walked pass his car and started running away.
He hurriedly got out to catch Max. "Hey Max! Where are you going?"
Max continued running so Logan run after her, she was pretty fast for a little kid.
"Max wait, what's going on?" Logan grabbed Max's waist and swung her around to face him.
"Go away!" As much as she tried, Max couldn't keep her tears from falling anymore.
"Hey, why are you crying?" Logan kneeled down, already thinking retribution to whoever made Max cry.
Max started kicking and hitting Logan but he tightened his grip around her until she stopped, soothing her with "it's-OK-it's-OK".
Between sobs, Max managed to say, "Brandon was right, they died because I was bad, ((sob)), they don't love me, ((sob)), nobody does ((sob))."
Logan cradled Max's head and forced her to look at him. "You know that's not true Max. Your parent's love you, and my mom, and my dad..."
"Stop! Don't lie to me!" She snapped, more angry now than hurt.
"...and me." He smiled as pulled up the bottom part of his shirt to dry Max's tears.
"No you don't!" Max shoved Logan's hand as soon as her face was dry. "You're always teasing me"
"That doesn't mean I don't love you." He said as he gave her a big kiss on the cheek.
~~~END OF FLASHBACK~~~
But Logan would be what he always was. No matter how hard Max tried to hate him or ignore him or not care about him, he would always have a special part in her heart. If not in the heart of the woman she'd become then in the one of the child that she was.
She adored Logan, and he broke her young trusting heart. Not anymore, Logan would never hurt her again; she would never let him.
Max smiled, not only because Logan's presentation was finished but because she knew exactly what it was she needed to do.
Max needed to forgive Logan so she could heal herself.