A/N: Thank you for being so patient with me. I'm sorry this part took a long time, it was just that after re-reading it, I wasn't completely happy with how it turned out. I'm not sure if I am now, but I didn't want to keep you all waiting too long. Besides, the last few reviews made me feel really guilty for not posting soon. Anyway, here's part 7 and please leave me a note telling me what you think. : )
A/N: For the flashback scene: I hope this works. *dialogue* means that young Max is saying the same thing as Max and young Logan is saying the same thing as Logan. So when you're reading the flashback, imagine their young selves doing the actions but imagine their adult selves saying the words too.
**Part 7**
Max finally found the time to decorate her office. Her desk occupied the northern side of the room with the French balcony behind her and a lake view of Seattle. On the right wall were stacks of books and CD-ROMs, mostly scientific dictionaries and references to help her understand the submissions she had to read. On the left wall were framed pictures of her motorcycle, a poem she liked as a child and a picture of *Crash*, a favorite hangout amongst her friends. And due to Kendra's influence, she had round mirrors, scented candles, bonsai plants, and lighted miniature fountains at special places. Her best friend was obsessed with feng shui, among other things.
Max's door opened and Logan confidently walked in, preoccupied with someone at the other end of the phone. He had always seemed conscious about her personal space and more often than not, he chose not to invade it. But since their unexpected encounter with Mrs. Moreno, the man just felt like he could come and go as he pleased! So, she gave up and stopped bothering him to knock before he came in, as smart as he was, he just couldn't grasp the idea. Max shook her head. She had to confess, it was the fact that she never knocked either that made Logan feel he could do the same.
So there he was, wiggling his cute little bum to find the perfect spot on one of her designer chairs (in abstract geometrical shapes and colors), without a mere acknowledgment of her existence. Max loudly tapped her fingers on her desk as soon as Logan finished his phone conversation.
"Oh, Hey." was all he said and he buried himself again with work, this time setting up his laptop for another long search on the net.
"Hey." Max responded. She noticed how Logan was becoming a regular in her office, he'd drop by just to say 'hey' followed by, well nothing, Logan liked working in silence. Anyway, his presence for a few hours each day was becoming so familiar, Max actually missed him if he didn't stop by because of some prior engagement or another. Of course she didn't see it as missing him, only as an inconvenience because he was hard to track down at times. When he was there, all she had to do was yell across the room if she needed to ask him something. This hardly happened though since she already secured her reign in three of their journals, but who was counting?
But then there was THE chair. It was round and padded with a comfortable back, she got it from Sweden and it cost her a fortune. Logan was showing signs of attachment to it, which made her doubt if he kept on coming back because she was there or because he liked the chair so much. Or maybe it was the view? She did have a really nice lake view and Logan did love spending time near the water. Right! So there, she decided, Logan came for the view. Now, if only she could let her ego in on the news!
Max examined Logan for a few seconds; he really was a good-looking man. She knew from experience how easy it was to get lost in that intent expressive blue eyes. His lips weren't bad either. Recalling how they felt on hers, she would even admit that they were sufficiently good for their purposes. She suddenly had the urge to reach out to his face and touch it, remembering how his stubble sent her insides firing in the most delightful way. Instantly, she scolded herself. Oh it must be that time of the month, yeah it was, that explained why she was even considering Logan in that context. Please!
Logan felt a pair of radiant brown eyes watching him so he looked up at Max to question her. He saw her quickly shift her gaze, pretending to be looking somewhere else.
"Max, what are you doing this week-end?" He figured to ask her a favor when her defenses were down.
Max sighed, aware that she wasn't successful at fooling Logan into thinking that she wasn't checking him out. "Would a negative answer commit me into spending a whole day doing some charity work for one of your noble causes?"
Logan wondered if Max was subtly making fun of his devotion to charity, he would have confronted her about it but it wasn't charity he wanted. "Actually, no. It's sort of more personal."
"Oh well, either case, I'm busy." Max was about to leave to go to the washroom when she saw Logan's disappointed, almost hurt, reaction.
Slumping back on her chair and not quite believing she fell for THE look, she dreadfully asked. "Aiight Logan, what do you want?"
Women were suckers for the look he just produced, that was why he mastered it at the earliest age he could. "Well, I was going to drive up and bring some flowers to where mom is buried. I thought maybe you'd want to tag along."
Max almost regretted her earlier hostility, almost. Logan should have said it was about his mom in the first place, of course she would want to go. "Sure, no problem, I think I can rearrange my plans."
***
It was a two-hour drive up to the cemetery and after fifteen minutes of blissful silence on Max's part, she got bored out of her mind. Yes, the trees with all the pretty colors were nice to look at, they even saw a deer crossing the street at 200 km/h, but being cramped inside the vehicle with Logan was getting her edgy. She forced herself not to berate at him since this trip was supposed to be a solemn experience for them both. But, unsurprisingly since patience was not one of her virtues, her success wasn't for long. Then again guess whose fault that was? Waiting for Logan all those years consumed the very little patience the high almighty did give her, god help her!
"Logan, talk to me." Max ordered, half whining.
Logan looked at her through the mirror, smiling. "Ok, Max, what do you want to talk about?"
"I don't know" she shrugged, looking pitiful.
"Why don't you listen to some music?" He suggested as he opened his CD compartment to let Max choose from his collection of Classics.
Max whined even more, "If you had CDs other than the ones you have, maybe I would."
"What's wrong with my CDs?" He checked them out himself and wondered who wouldn't want to listen to Beethoven. Well, Max apparently.
"Nothing if I was a 60 year old grandma." Max saw the knot between Logan's eyebrows and laughed. "I know, let's play that game!"
"What game?" Great, he was back again with the annoying 6-year-old Max whose vocabulary consisted of 'Let's play a game' and 'Make me something to eat'. He shook his head, that was mean, she really was a bright fun kid when she wasn't being a pain in the ass.
"You know, the 'Why' game." Max loved that game, considering she made it up herself. At first she played it to bug Logan but eventually she started enjoying it because Logan was so smart, he had an answer for every question she had! Although years of going to school made her realize that half the stuff he was telling her was made up. The punk!
Logan thought back a few days when he decided to ask Max to come, what in the world was he thinking?!?
***
Max and Logan stood side by side in front of his mother's grave. A bouquet of lilies and roses laid on the marble stone which had her name engraved. 'Wife, Mother and Friend' it said in bold italic fonts, three words that defined what her life had been, the essence of what she was all about.
Logan never imagined how hard life would be without his mother and thinking about Max losing her own at such a young age gripped his heart. He really wasn't going to invite Max to come and to have her face childhood loses that were surely upsetting. But somewhere in the primitive part of his brain he wanted her to be there. Logan met Max's hand when it reached for his and as the two of them touched, he felt her supportive squeeze. At that point, it dawned on Logan why he wanted Max with him and everything finally made sense.
Logan had Max back. She was there, and she was his; to care for, to cherish, to need. He too was there, and he was hers; to care for, to cherish, to need. And in that moment, they needed each other to deal with the most tragic lost they would ever encounter. Each other's presence was an insurance of something stable and safe in the uncertain world they found themselves in. And despite all that happened it'll be the two of them, together, that would have to face whatever circumstance fate decided to throw at them.
Max prayed a silent thank you to the woman who had become a mother figure to her after she lost her parents in that skiing accident almost sixteen years ago. She was such a loving woman, doting on Max, cherishing the daughter she never had. Max sensed an overwhelming lost with tears threatening to fall so she instinctively stepped closer to Logan for strength. His mother was actually buried beneath them, all that she was; her humor, her vision, her love, all gone in the ashes and back to the ground where it began. Max never got to say goodbye and was glad that Logan brought her so she finally could.
Collecting herself and letting go of Logan, Max asked, "Why did Mama want to be buried here?"
"She hated the hospital and insisted that she stay up at the cabin. She loved that place so much so I guess it sort of made sense to have her resting place close to it." Logan run his fingers through his hair, a mannerism he displayed whenever his emotions were running faster than his cognition.
"Do you go up there a lot when you visit her?" Max recognized the outward sign of Logan's distress so she steered the conversation away from his mother.
"No, I don't like going there by myself, I'd just end up self-brooding and wasted." Logan recalled the first and only time he stayed in the cabin since his mother's death, he must had consumed a dozen bottle's of beer.
"Well you're not by yourself now." Again, Max tried being supportive but was aware that there probably was a deeper meaning to her words if one probed hard enough.
"No I'm not." Or so Logan hoped.
"I haven't been there forever, I'd love to see it again." Just a pure simple request with no hidden messages to decipher.
"Alright." Logan replied somberly but was pleased that Max had asked.
***
Logan entered the cabin with groceries in both hands. It was so dark inside so he put the groceries down to search for the light switch, avoiding anything that would potentially break his neck if he tripped. Adjusting to the light, Logan saw Max sprawled on the couch, sleeping on her side. She used her arm as a pillow and a finger as a bookmark. From her position, Logan concluded that she had been reading but fell asleep while doing so.
Logan couldn't help but admire the sight in front of him. Max really had grown to be a beautiful woman. The shirt she was wearing, which was his by the way, conveniently hugged all her curves to display perfection in his eyes. Using the quilt that laid on the armrest of the couch, he kneeled on the floor beside her and tucked her in.
He brushed a few strands of hair away from Max's face as he absorbed everything about her.
Max looked so peaceful, Logan thought. At least in her sleep she wasn't carrying the weight of the world. Oh Max could hide it well beneath that bitchy attitude of hers, but Logan knew better. Every time he searched the depth of her eyes to find out what she was hiding from the world, he would see a glimpse of the pain. Fifteen years of accumulated grief had toughed her up but left her a cynic unable to trust. And she, along with everyone else who wanted to love her, were suffering as a consequence it.
Reflecting back, Logan would admit that he was part of the reason why Max was an emotional mess. What he did so many years ago was for her own good. He knew that there was no point second-guessing him but how could he not? The ache he'd seen had revealed that the last fifteen years hadn't exactly been a happy time for her. Drowning in his guilt, Logan closed his eyes as he apologized for whatever he might had done in adding to her pain.
After a long time of studying Max, Logan leaned down to plant a chaste kiss on the top of Max's brow. And in her sleep, symbolized by this gesture, he promised her that he would never again let himself be absent from her life. Fifteen years was long enough and whether Max liked it or not, he would from that moment on, be a constant presence waiting for her to open up and accept his friendship once again. That from then on, he would make sure nothing and no one ever hurt her again. And most importantly, he promised that he would, one by one, pick each torn that bruised her heart. He just wished she would allow him close enough so he could do so.
***
Max woke up to the scent of sizzling chicken. She searched for the source of the smell and found the outside of the cabin illuminated by campfire. A smile tugged on her lips as she saw Logan through the window with a perfect silhouette of his form against the backdrop of the reddish orange fire. She noticed that a warm quilt was lying on top of her still sleepy body. She tugged the hem up and completely covered herself until she could no longer resist the delicious smell that was so tempting to her hungry stomach. Groaning, she pulled the quilt over her shoulders and went outside.
Opening the door, a sweet cold breeze greeted Max. She pulled the covers tighter around her and reminded herself to thank Logan for his show of concern. She saw him seated on a log that spanned a good five feet. He was eating from a bowl as he absentmindedly gazed at the stars above him.
Logan was amazed at how much heavenly bodies were visible to the naked eyes without the pollution and lights of the city. Being an avid reader, he correctly identified each constellation, planet and galaxy. A sense of wonder surged through him as he realized how insignificant he was in the realm of the entire universe, yet somehow it was that same vast universe that insisted on making him feel important.
*Logan, 'why' are you looking up at the stars? * Max asked in a child like voice, mimicking how she had asked the same question so many years before.
~~~Flashback~~~
Logan turned around and saw Max covered with a blanket, she was so small that half of it was on the floor. Dragging leaves and dirt with her, she walked toward Logan with a content look courtesy of a good long nap.
Logan winked at her and she gave him an I-know-you-love-me-so-bow-before-me look as both of them looked up again at the stars.
Logan's smile widened, only Max could carry that look with such class that is non-existent in anyone less that twenty-five. *Because it's nice to look at, I suppose. * Max was smart but Logan didn't think she would comprehend yet the dynamics of life in an infinite time within an ever expanding universe. Heck, 'he' didn't either.
Max enclosed Logan with her blanket as she gave him a hug. *It really is nice. * Logan returned her hug but she pulled away to continue with her game, *Logan, 'why' do the stars twinkle? *
Logan swooped Max up to set her on his lap, with both her feet dangling at his side. *Because the stars are from a million miles away, so when the light bumps to other things up there, it bends and that's why you see them as if they're twinkling. *
*No* Max said with a yawn. *They twinkle because...so I can sing 'twinkle twinkle little star'! The song wouldn't make sense if the real stars don't, you know*
Logan did a double take on Max, she never ceased to entertain him, *Where did you come up with that? *
She rested her head on his chest and picked up a piece of chicken from the bowl he was holding. *From my head. *
~~~End of Flashback~~~
Still facing Max whose smiling eyes were still locked with his as they collectively recalled a childhood so far away, Logan asked with a goofy grin, *Are you hungry, do you want some chicken? *
"Sure." Max lost her childish tone but was still in a playful mood. She walked over the log and sat down beside Logan who was reaching inside the pan to fill her bowl with some chicken and rice.
"Did you have a nice nap?" Logan, following Max's cue, stopped talking in the I'm-humoring-you voice that adults used while talking to children who weren't making any sense. He then handed Max her food and continued eating his own.
"Yeah, I haven't had one of those in a while" Max eyes fluttered as she tasted Logan's Honey Chicken. God the man could cook!
Max and Logan bathed in the comfort resulting from what just transpired between them. They ate in companionable silence as both relished the heavenly good meal fit for the night's setting. Except for a few trees that the light from the fire could reach, the two were surrounded by complete darkness. There was an eerie yet serene feel to it, to be so close to nature without the presumptions that came with living in a civilized world. Fire and darkness, cold and warmth, food and water, man and woman; that was all it was supposed to be before someone smartened up and made everything complicated.
Max was mesmerized by the glowing fire in front of them and the dancing shadows it cast on the ground. Two shadows, hers and Logan's, dancing the eternal dance of light and dark. Max, seating so close to Logan their knees almost touched, could fell him take each breath. She looked at him longingly, missing the comfort he used to provide for her. She knew that things between them would never be the same. But sometimes, Max found it so hard not to remember a happy past, especially when her guards were down which was becoming increasingly often as Max spent more time with Logan. He had hurt her, that was the reality, but it just wouldn't erase the fact that he cared for her too, or at least she felt that he had.
At times, like then, Max found herself yearning for the days when Logan would cradle her as he lulled her to sleep after waking up from a bad dream. 'Hush Maxie, I'm right here', he would say and those very words kept her hope as she waited for him to say them to her again. She yearned for the days when she would run to him to find solace in his embrace. She found in Logan the sense of belonging that disappeared when her parents died, the sense of belonging she had yet to feel again. Her friends had helped a lot, but it wasn't the same.
Every tract in Max's mind screamed at her to ask him 'why'. Why did he never come? She wanted to yell at him and tell him that she waited, for the whole of fucking ten years she waited but the day she always pictured in her mind never materialized. She wanted to shake him and make him feel the agonizing pain she had because of him. But most of all, most of all she wanted him to wrap his arms around her and take it all away.
"Logan..." The words came out without her will.
"Yeah Maxie?" Logan blinked in surprise as the term of endearment slipped from his mouth.
'Ask him why'. 'Ask him why'. But what was the point? Could she bear to hear the truth? Could she take it to finally hear what she expected all along, that he didn't come because he never wanted to? That she was a responsibility he didn't want to have? That the times they had were fun but after she left he was finally able to free himself from the bratty little girl who took up of too much of his attention? That he was glad she was gone so he had more time getting laid as all his friends had been instead of watching her play in the park or grudgingly playing with her himself?
Or maybe it was his lie that she wouldn't be able to take. His apology for finding out that he brought her so much anguish. Would she even believe him if he said he wanted to come but couldn't? Probably not. She would know it was a lie because if he really wanted to he would have. He had fucking fifteen years to do it, for crying out loud!
No, that was all in the past. The past and the future was separated by nothingness, isn't that what Sartre said? So whatever reasons or excuses that Logan had didn't matter anymore. She would forgive him either way. She would and it scared her how easy it would be to do it.
"Oh, nothing. Just wanted to say thanks for dinner and the blanket." She smiled for half a second and turned her head to look at the fire again, realizing that she'd been staring at Logan for so long.
Logan knew that it wasn't true, her unusually expressive face displayed some battle going on inside her head. It disappointed him that Max decided not to tell him what it was about. "You're welcome"
"I better go back inside" She said still transfixed on her spot.
Logan gently tilted Max's head to face him, resisting the temptation to trace the beautiful features she possessed. "Good night Maxie."
Max, feeling the warmth intended as Logan said her name, stared into his eyes as they both understood the significance of Logan's choice of words. Responding to him would be an acceptance of a friendship they once had. So with a mixture of happiness and fear, Max said, "Good night Logan."
A/N: For the flashback scene: I hope this works. *dialogue* means that young Max is saying the same thing as Max and young Logan is saying the same thing as Logan. So when you're reading the flashback, imagine their young selves doing the actions but imagine their adult selves saying the words too.
**Part 7**
Max finally found the time to decorate her office. Her desk occupied the northern side of the room with the French balcony behind her and a lake view of Seattle. On the right wall were stacks of books and CD-ROMs, mostly scientific dictionaries and references to help her understand the submissions she had to read. On the left wall were framed pictures of her motorcycle, a poem she liked as a child and a picture of *Crash*, a favorite hangout amongst her friends. And due to Kendra's influence, she had round mirrors, scented candles, bonsai plants, and lighted miniature fountains at special places. Her best friend was obsessed with feng shui, among other things.
Max's door opened and Logan confidently walked in, preoccupied with someone at the other end of the phone. He had always seemed conscious about her personal space and more often than not, he chose not to invade it. But since their unexpected encounter with Mrs. Moreno, the man just felt like he could come and go as he pleased! So, she gave up and stopped bothering him to knock before he came in, as smart as he was, he just couldn't grasp the idea. Max shook her head. She had to confess, it was the fact that she never knocked either that made Logan feel he could do the same.
So there he was, wiggling his cute little bum to find the perfect spot on one of her designer chairs (in abstract geometrical shapes and colors), without a mere acknowledgment of her existence. Max loudly tapped her fingers on her desk as soon as Logan finished his phone conversation.
"Oh, Hey." was all he said and he buried himself again with work, this time setting up his laptop for another long search on the net.
"Hey." Max responded. She noticed how Logan was becoming a regular in her office, he'd drop by just to say 'hey' followed by, well nothing, Logan liked working in silence. Anyway, his presence for a few hours each day was becoming so familiar, Max actually missed him if he didn't stop by because of some prior engagement or another. Of course she didn't see it as missing him, only as an inconvenience because he was hard to track down at times. When he was there, all she had to do was yell across the room if she needed to ask him something. This hardly happened though since she already secured her reign in three of their journals, but who was counting?
But then there was THE chair. It was round and padded with a comfortable back, she got it from Sweden and it cost her a fortune. Logan was showing signs of attachment to it, which made her doubt if he kept on coming back because she was there or because he liked the chair so much. Or maybe it was the view? She did have a really nice lake view and Logan did love spending time near the water. Right! So there, she decided, Logan came for the view. Now, if only she could let her ego in on the news!
Max examined Logan for a few seconds; he really was a good-looking man. She knew from experience how easy it was to get lost in that intent expressive blue eyes. His lips weren't bad either. Recalling how they felt on hers, she would even admit that they were sufficiently good for their purposes. She suddenly had the urge to reach out to his face and touch it, remembering how his stubble sent her insides firing in the most delightful way. Instantly, she scolded herself. Oh it must be that time of the month, yeah it was, that explained why she was even considering Logan in that context. Please!
Logan felt a pair of radiant brown eyes watching him so he looked up at Max to question her. He saw her quickly shift her gaze, pretending to be looking somewhere else.
"Max, what are you doing this week-end?" He figured to ask her a favor when her defenses were down.
Max sighed, aware that she wasn't successful at fooling Logan into thinking that she wasn't checking him out. "Would a negative answer commit me into spending a whole day doing some charity work for one of your noble causes?"
Logan wondered if Max was subtly making fun of his devotion to charity, he would have confronted her about it but it wasn't charity he wanted. "Actually, no. It's sort of more personal."
"Oh well, either case, I'm busy." Max was about to leave to go to the washroom when she saw Logan's disappointed, almost hurt, reaction.
Slumping back on her chair and not quite believing she fell for THE look, she dreadfully asked. "Aiight Logan, what do you want?"
Women were suckers for the look he just produced, that was why he mastered it at the earliest age he could. "Well, I was going to drive up and bring some flowers to where mom is buried. I thought maybe you'd want to tag along."
Max almost regretted her earlier hostility, almost. Logan should have said it was about his mom in the first place, of course she would want to go. "Sure, no problem, I think I can rearrange my plans."
***
It was a two-hour drive up to the cemetery and after fifteen minutes of blissful silence on Max's part, she got bored out of her mind. Yes, the trees with all the pretty colors were nice to look at, they even saw a deer crossing the street at 200 km/h, but being cramped inside the vehicle with Logan was getting her edgy. She forced herself not to berate at him since this trip was supposed to be a solemn experience for them both. But, unsurprisingly since patience was not one of her virtues, her success wasn't for long. Then again guess whose fault that was? Waiting for Logan all those years consumed the very little patience the high almighty did give her, god help her!
"Logan, talk to me." Max ordered, half whining.
Logan looked at her through the mirror, smiling. "Ok, Max, what do you want to talk about?"
"I don't know" she shrugged, looking pitiful.
"Why don't you listen to some music?" He suggested as he opened his CD compartment to let Max choose from his collection of Classics.
Max whined even more, "If you had CDs other than the ones you have, maybe I would."
"What's wrong with my CDs?" He checked them out himself and wondered who wouldn't want to listen to Beethoven. Well, Max apparently.
"Nothing if I was a 60 year old grandma." Max saw the knot between Logan's eyebrows and laughed. "I know, let's play that game!"
"What game?" Great, he was back again with the annoying 6-year-old Max whose vocabulary consisted of 'Let's play a game' and 'Make me something to eat'. He shook his head, that was mean, she really was a bright fun kid when she wasn't being a pain in the ass.
"You know, the 'Why' game." Max loved that game, considering she made it up herself. At first she played it to bug Logan but eventually she started enjoying it because Logan was so smart, he had an answer for every question she had! Although years of going to school made her realize that half the stuff he was telling her was made up. The punk!
Logan thought back a few days when he decided to ask Max to come, what in the world was he thinking?!?
***
Max and Logan stood side by side in front of his mother's grave. A bouquet of lilies and roses laid on the marble stone which had her name engraved. 'Wife, Mother and Friend' it said in bold italic fonts, three words that defined what her life had been, the essence of what she was all about.
Logan never imagined how hard life would be without his mother and thinking about Max losing her own at such a young age gripped his heart. He really wasn't going to invite Max to come and to have her face childhood loses that were surely upsetting. But somewhere in the primitive part of his brain he wanted her to be there. Logan met Max's hand when it reached for his and as the two of them touched, he felt her supportive squeeze. At that point, it dawned on Logan why he wanted Max with him and everything finally made sense.
Logan had Max back. She was there, and she was his; to care for, to cherish, to need. He too was there, and he was hers; to care for, to cherish, to need. And in that moment, they needed each other to deal with the most tragic lost they would ever encounter. Each other's presence was an insurance of something stable and safe in the uncertain world they found themselves in. And despite all that happened it'll be the two of them, together, that would have to face whatever circumstance fate decided to throw at them.
Max prayed a silent thank you to the woman who had become a mother figure to her after she lost her parents in that skiing accident almost sixteen years ago. She was such a loving woman, doting on Max, cherishing the daughter she never had. Max sensed an overwhelming lost with tears threatening to fall so she instinctively stepped closer to Logan for strength. His mother was actually buried beneath them, all that she was; her humor, her vision, her love, all gone in the ashes and back to the ground where it began. Max never got to say goodbye and was glad that Logan brought her so she finally could.
Collecting herself and letting go of Logan, Max asked, "Why did Mama want to be buried here?"
"She hated the hospital and insisted that she stay up at the cabin. She loved that place so much so I guess it sort of made sense to have her resting place close to it." Logan run his fingers through his hair, a mannerism he displayed whenever his emotions were running faster than his cognition.
"Do you go up there a lot when you visit her?" Max recognized the outward sign of Logan's distress so she steered the conversation away from his mother.
"No, I don't like going there by myself, I'd just end up self-brooding and wasted." Logan recalled the first and only time he stayed in the cabin since his mother's death, he must had consumed a dozen bottle's of beer.
"Well you're not by yourself now." Again, Max tried being supportive but was aware that there probably was a deeper meaning to her words if one probed hard enough.
"No I'm not." Or so Logan hoped.
"I haven't been there forever, I'd love to see it again." Just a pure simple request with no hidden messages to decipher.
"Alright." Logan replied somberly but was pleased that Max had asked.
***
Logan entered the cabin with groceries in both hands. It was so dark inside so he put the groceries down to search for the light switch, avoiding anything that would potentially break his neck if he tripped. Adjusting to the light, Logan saw Max sprawled on the couch, sleeping on her side. She used her arm as a pillow and a finger as a bookmark. From her position, Logan concluded that she had been reading but fell asleep while doing so.
Logan couldn't help but admire the sight in front of him. Max really had grown to be a beautiful woman. The shirt she was wearing, which was his by the way, conveniently hugged all her curves to display perfection in his eyes. Using the quilt that laid on the armrest of the couch, he kneeled on the floor beside her and tucked her in.
He brushed a few strands of hair away from Max's face as he absorbed everything about her.
Max looked so peaceful, Logan thought. At least in her sleep she wasn't carrying the weight of the world. Oh Max could hide it well beneath that bitchy attitude of hers, but Logan knew better. Every time he searched the depth of her eyes to find out what she was hiding from the world, he would see a glimpse of the pain. Fifteen years of accumulated grief had toughed her up but left her a cynic unable to trust. And she, along with everyone else who wanted to love her, were suffering as a consequence it.
Reflecting back, Logan would admit that he was part of the reason why Max was an emotional mess. What he did so many years ago was for her own good. He knew that there was no point second-guessing him but how could he not? The ache he'd seen had revealed that the last fifteen years hadn't exactly been a happy time for her. Drowning in his guilt, Logan closed his eyes as he apologized for whatever he might had done in adding to her pain.
After a long time of studying Max, Logan leaned down to plant a chaste kiss on the top of Max's brow. And in her sleep, symbolized by this gesture, he promised her that he would never again let himself be absent from her life. Fifteen years was long enough and whether Max liked it or not, he would from that moment on, be a constant presence waiting for her to open up and accept his friendship once again. That from then on, he would make sure nothing and no one ever hurt her again. And most importantly, he promised that he would, one by one, pick each torn that bruised her heart. He just wished she would allow him close enough so he could do so.
***
Max woke up to the scent of sizzling chicken. She searched for the source of the smell and found the outside of the cabin illuminated by campfire. A smile tugged on her lips as she saw Logan through the window with a perfect silhouette of his form against the backdrop of the reddish orange fire. She noticed that a warm quilt was lying on top of her still sleepy body. She tugged the hem up and completely covered herself until she could no longer resist the delicious smell that was so tempting to her hungry stomach. Groaning, she pulled the quilt over her shoulders and went outside.
Opening the door, a sweet cold breeze greeted Max. She pulled the covers tighter around her and reminded herself to thank Logan for his show of concern. She saw him seated on a log that spanned a good five feet. He was eating from a bowl as he absentmindedly gazed at the stars above him.
Logan was amazed at how much heavenly bodies were visible to the naked eyes without the pollution and lights of the city. Being an avid reader, he correctly identified each constellation, planet and galaxy. A sense of wonder surged through him as he realized how insignificant he was in the realm of the entire universe, yet somehow it was that same vast universe that insisted on making him feel important.
*Logan, 'why' are you looking up at the stars? * Max asked in a child like voice, mimicking how she had asked the same question so many years before.
~~~Flashback~~~
Logan turned around and saw Max covered with a blanket, she was so small that half of it was on the floor. Dragging leaves and dirt with her, she walked toward Logan with a content look courtesy of a good long nap.
Logan winked at her and she gave him an I-know-you-love-me-so-bow-before-me look as both of them looked up again at the stars.
Logan's smile widened, only Max could carry that look with such class that is non-existent in anyone less that twenty-five. *Because it's nice to look at, I suppose. * Max was smart but Logan didn't think she would comprehend yet the dynamics of life in an infinite time within an ever expanding universe. Heck, 'he' didn't either.
Max enclosed Logan with her blanket as she gave him a hug. *It really is nice. * Logan returned her hug but she pulled away to continue with her game, *Logan, 'why' do the stars twinkle? *
Logan swooped Max up to set her on his lap, with both her feet dangling at his side. *Because the stars are from a million miles away, so when the light bumps to other things up there, it bends and that's why you see them as if they're twinkling. *
*No* Max said with a yawn. *They twinkle because...so I can sing 'twinkle twinkle little star'! The song wouldn't make sense if the real stars don't, you know*
Logan did a double take on Max, she never ceased to entertain him, *Where did you come up with that? *
She rested her head on his chest and picked up a piece of chicken from the bowl he was holding. *From my head. *
~~~End of Flashback~~~
Still facing Max whose smiling eyes were still locked with his as they collectively recalled a childhood so far away, Logan asked with a goofy grin, *Are you hungry, do you want some chicken? *
"Sure." Max lost her childish tone but was still in a playful mood. She walked over the log and sat down beside Logan who was reaching inside the pan to fill her bowl with some chicken and rice.
"Did you have a nice nap?" Logan, following Max's cue, stopped talking in the I'm-humoring-you voice that adults used while talking to children who weren't making any sense. He then handed Max her food and continued eating his own.
"Yeah, I haven't had one of those in a while" Max eyes fluttered as she tasted Logan's Honey Chicken. God the man could cook!
Max and Logan bathed in the comfort resulting from what just transpired between them. They ate in companionable silence as both relished the heavenly good meal fit for the night's setting. Except for a few trees that the light from the fire could reach, the two were surrounded by complete darkness. There was an eerie yet serene feel to it, to be so close to nature without the presumptions that came with living in a civilized world. Fire and darkness, cold and warmth, food and water, man and woman; that was all it was supposed to be before someone smartened up and made everything complicated.
Max was mesmerized by the glowing fire in front of them and the dancing shadows it cast on the ground. Two shadows, hers and Logan's, dancing the eternal dance of light and dark. Max, seating so close to Logan their knees almost touched, could fell him take each breath. She looked at him longingly, missing the comfort he used to provide for her. She knew that things between them would never be the same. But sometimes, Max found it so hard not to remember a happy past, especially when her guards were down which was becoming increasingly often as Max spent more time with Logan. He had hurt her, that was the reality, but it just wouldn't erase the fact that he cared for her too, or at least she felt that he had.
At times, like then, Max found herself yearning for the days when Logan would cradle her as he lulled her to sleep after waking up from a bad dream. 'Hush Maxie, I'm right here', he would say and those very words kept her hope as she waited for him to say them to her again. She yearned for the days when she would run to him to find solace in his embrace. She found in Logan the sense of belonging that disappeared when her parents died, the sense of belonging she had yet to feel again. Her friends had helped a lot, but it wasn't the same.
Every tract in Max's mind screamed at her to ask him 'why'. Why did he never come? She wanted to yell at him and tell him that she waited, for the whole of fucking ten years she waited but the day she always pictured in her mind never materialized. She wanted to shake him and make him feel the agonizing pain she had because of him. But most of all, most of all she wanted him to wrap his arms around her and take it all away.
"Logan..." The words came out without her will.
"Yeah Maxie?" Logan blinked in surprise as the term of endearment slipped from his mouth.
'Ask him why'. 'Ask him why'. But what was the point? Could she bear to hear the truth? Could she take it to finally hear what she expected all along, that he didn't come because he never wanted to? That she was a responsibility he didn't want to have? That the times they had were fun but after she left he was finally able to free himself from the bratty little girl who took up of too much of his attention? That he was glad she was gone so he had more time getting laid as all his friends had been instead of watching her play in the park or grudgingly playing with her himself?
Or maybe it was his lie that she wouldn't be able to take. His apology for finding out that he brought her so much anguish. Would she even believe him if he said he wanted to come but couldn't? Probably not. She would know it was a lie because if he really wanted to he would have. He had fucking fifteen years to do it, for crying out loud!
No, that was all in the past. The past and the future was separated by nothingness, isn't that what Sartre said? So whatever reasons or excuses that Logan had didn't matter anymore. She would forgive him either way. She would and it scared her how easy it would be to do it.
"Oh, nothing. Just wanted to say thanks for dinner and the blanket." She smiled for half a second and turned her head to look at the fire again, realizing that she'd been staring at Logan for so long.
Logan knew that it wasn't true, her unusually expressive face displayed some battle going on inside her head. It disappointed him that Max decided not to tell him what it was about. "You're welcome"
"I better go back inside" She said still transfixed on her spot.
Logan gently tilted Max's head to face him, resisting the temptation to trace the beautiful features she possessed. "Good night Maxie."
Max, feeling the warmth intended as Logan said her name, stared into his eyes as they both understood the significance of Logan's choice of words. Responding to him would be an acceptance of a friendship they once had. So with a mixture of happiness and fear, Max said, "Good night Logan."