NOTE: No, I still have not figured out how to successfully take Ginny out of their Potions class, so bear with me. If it bugs you too much, just pretend that she's a 6th year that's REALLY advanced at Potions, hence got to take it with the 7th year. If it still bugs you then screw you, fix it yourself. Thank you.
Disclaimer: All J.K. Rowling's. Only the tight pants are mine, so, JK, if you want me to lose the pants and just keep Snape as is, I'll be very happy to oblige. Very happy indeed ^.-
They Were Awfully Tight Pants
Hermione waited nervously at her seat while all the other students piled out of the door, relieved that class was over and happy to be out the door. Hermione was neither relieved nor happy, but, then, that's to be expected.
Her friends, ever faithful, had each given her a pat on the back and a comforting word, and then rushed out the door just like the rest of the class.
(What if he really is a masochist?) She couldn't help but think. (What if he loves watching me squirm, obviously in pain and fear? What if he gives me a detention, and I have to clean the blood off his whips and chains? Or the pants! He could make me clean his super tight pants! For the love of God, no!)
She made her way down to his desk, where he impatiently waited.
"You wanted to talk to me, Professor Snape?"
And outside, her loving friends were gathered around the door to Snape's dungeon, ears pressed against it to hear the conversation.
"Is it just me, or is that 'Professor' starting to sound like a term of affection?"
"Shh!" Lavender said, and nudged Parvati in the ribs. "I don't want to miss anything."
The three paused and listened intensely.
"I don't hear anything!" Ginny whispered after a full minute has passed with the three of them pressed up against the door.
"Maybe he put a Silencing Spell so we couldn't listen in?"
"But I didn't hear him cast anything!" Parvati objected.
"Perhaps they're just whispering?"
They were all wrong, though, for neither of them had said anything. Nothing at all. Snape just sat at his desk, glaring at Hermione.
(He's trying to get me to break. To tell him everything. It won't work. I'm strong. I can take his glare. I've done it before.) She paused and thought about this. (Oh, wait. No I haven't.) She tried to keep her gaze neutral and she stared back into Snape's eyes. (Don't break first. Maybe if you out stare him, he'll tell you why he was there. Why he was wearing such cruelly tight pants. What drink he was ordering. Whether he was wearing boxers or briefs.) She paused in her thoughts. (Ew! Why do I want to know that? No, wait, I don't want to know that!)
(She'll crack. They always do. She'll crack. I'm not the one with a class to get to. And she always has to be early. Always. She'll crack.)
(I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I was wrong! It will work! I'm sweating! My eyes are dry! My legs are going to collapse!)
(She's cracking. She's cracking. Any minute now. Any minute now.)
"ALL RIGHT! I did it!!! I hit on you! I tried to seduce you with my feminine wiles!! I was tipsy and out of school and trying to hit on a guy packed into the tightest pants ever to lean sexily against The Three Broomsticks counter!!!"
Snape only raised on eyebrow for a questioning look.
"Stop that! Stop looking at me like that! Stop undressing me with your eyes; I'm not the kind of girl to sleep with you just to get good grades! And even if I did, you wouldn't give me good grades!!"
Snape raised his other eyebrow for a full-blown look of surprise.
"Not that I would sleep with you in the first place! I don't want to, no matter how sexy your body looked in those tight, tight pants! Just how did you get into those anyway? And out? You had to have had help! Were you waiting for someone at the bar to help you get out of the pants? Like a date! Or a lover? Professor Snape, it was a school night!"
Snape slammed his hands down on the table and stood up.
"Stop talking, you silly, insolent girl."
"I can't! I can't stop talking! You've broken the dam and the water's not going to stop! I cheated on a spelling test in 3rd grade! I stole that mean-boy-who-sat-next-to-me-in-5th-grade-English's favorite pencil!" Admissions came, like confessions to a priest, forth faster and heavier as she entered the Hogwarts Years, ending with "and I checked out your body at The Three Broomsticks! I did it all! Punish me, you insane sadomasochist! Break out the whips and chains and leather masks! I can take it!" Finally, the silly, insolent girl welded her hands over her mouth and stopped the absurd flow of admissions. Snape sat back into his chair and leaned back, finally and utterly shocked.
"Miss Granger, I assure you I am not a masochist of any type."
"Oh, that is such an obvious lie!" Parvati said, accompanied by an eye-roll.
"Oh, reeeally." Ginny said and superiorly crossed her arms. "Just because Snape is an evil bastard, and a Slytherin, and a Death Eater, and a sadomasochist, does not mean he's a crack addict." She paused a moment to think about what she said for once. "Wait, I mean... No, no, that's right."
"Guys, hush! I swear I just heard Snape say he wanted Hermione!"
"... want you to be here at 7:30 sharp for your detention." Hermione breathed a sigh of relief. "And thirty points from Gryffindor for you and your friends'," he sneered and gestured to the door, "gross dismissal of Hogwarts rules. We're going to be extracting pus from Bubotubors plants. And don't forget to..."
"...bring some protection." Parvati snickered.
"You know, taken out of context, that's insanely obscene."
"Then I guess it's a good thing we heard the whole conversation," Ginny pointed out.
"Besides, if anyone is supposed to provide the protection, it should be Snape." The two girls turned to look at Lavender. "You know, for the Bubotubors!" The girls looked unconvinced. "Honestly, I'm not as perverse as some people." She glared Parvati. "You can't assume everything I say is perverted!"
"Ohhh, Broom Closet, eh?" Parvati did a fair imitation of Lavender's giggly laugh. "I do so love Quidditch, with all those hot guys riiiding the brooms, positively groping around the air for a ball, gripping the handles so... suggestively." A squeal-giggle hybrid erupted from Parvati's mouth. "I hope that's a broom grinding into my hip!" Lavender crossed her arms and looked positively offended.
"Well, taken out of context it's insanely obscene."
"Yeah, but even in context it was insanely obscene." Ginny pointed out.
At this very moment, Hermione opened the door curtly, and with visibly controlled anger, thus thankfully ending the conversation before it could degenerate into further impressions.
"So, do you want to borrow some of my protection?" Parvati said suggestively, having recovered quickly. "I mean my dragonhide gloves!" She said defensively to the glares that met her.
"We're going to be late, and I refuse to get two detentions in one day."
"Maybe you'll get lucky and you can have a detention with Professor Lupin, too." Lavender said, knowing her friends' weaknesses for the newly-reinstated teacher. ('He's a fox!' Parvati had exclaimed. Milk came out of Hermione's nose as she stopped herself from laughing.)
"Being bad never felt so good."
A/N: EEP and I'm sorry that this is coming out so late! ^_^; I got stuck in the middle and was going to re-write it, but I got attached! What can I say? *shrugs* I was too busy working on my other, newest story 'Secrets Scar'! Not a comedy, but, hey, neither is life. I'm actually almost holding a race between this story and Secrets Scar to see who gets the most reviews XD It's currently SS- 27, TWATP- 28. Woo, go comedy!
Many many many many MANY Thanks to everyone who reviewed! ^_^ It's so encouraging (er, but I guess not encouraging enough since this is coming out so much later than the previous chapter -_-;; my apologies again ^_^; )
All the threats against my health if I don't write more are also very appreciated XD ^_____^
More soon..... er...... well..... More whenever I can muster up the strength to try and be funny ^_^; it happens sometimes, but it is verra hard to harness. *rides outta the room on her wild humor* Yeehaw!
~Lost in the Forest