A/N: YAY! Finally, an update! Spring Break's almost over, but I'll try my hardest to come out with another chapter in the next week, 'kay? ^_^ Alright!

They Were Awfully Tight Pants

Hermione stood outside the door to the Potions classroom and reflected on how she always seems to get into these situations.

Interestingly enough, Snape was sitting in his room staring at the chest containing the Bubotubors plants that are to be the entertaining subject of today's detention, wondering who he managed to get into these situations.

He had tried his hardest to dump this on Filch, but he insisted that he could take no detentions tonight. He had... plans.

(Start Flashback Scene)

"He's going to try to get Filch to take the detention for him!" Parvati exclaimed.

"What? How do you know?" asked Lavender. Parvati held up her crystal ball and smiled a wicked smile.

"Divination? Oh, Hermione would be horrified." Ginny scolded, though obviously amused.

"But we have to stop him!" Parvati pleaded, pulling her friends back on the scheming track which she rode.

"What can we do?"

"We have to make Filch busy tonight." She started to pace, thinking intently on her goal. "But how?"

(End Flashback Scene)

(Plans,) Snape thought fiercely. (Plans! I don't care if he has plans with the bloody Queen of Wizarding England; he's supposed to do his job! Now I'm going to be stuck in this classroom with these Bubotubors plants and that girl.) He thought furiously. (What had he said they were? Oh, right...)

(Start Flashback Scene)

"Plans? Bullocks to plans!"

"I'm not going to discuss my personal life with you!" He, that is, Filch, had his hair slicked back and was wearing his best suit, that is, rags.

"You bloody well are!" Filch checked his reflection in a cracked mirror ('probably broke when he looked into it' Snape though), made sure he had nothing in his teeth, and ignored Snape.

"Plans!" He muttered to himself, "I could have plans!"

"Eh? Could you, then?" Filch peered up from the mirror and looked incredulously at Snape.

"Yes! I bloody well could!" Filch snorted to himself.

"And what plans are those? Touring strip clubs with Albus and Minerva? Ha!"

Snape had stopped chaperoning their trips when the two had decided to go Do-It-Yourself strip club. No matter what he claimed, the only 'good sides' Albus Dumbledore has are on his personality.

When Snape remained as tight-lipped as ever, Filch continued.

"I'll have you know that I happen to have a date."

"A date?!" Snape screeched in complete and total disbelief, not only at Filch having relations, but that now he was officially the only single staff member, male, female, or ghost, on the payroll.

"Oh yes. A nice lady from some tiny town in England. Very proper, I've been told." He straightened out his tie and sifted through his drawers for something.

"A blind date, Filch?" Snape asked, showing only limited interest. But before Filch could answer, he triumphantly held a pair of socks covered with little cats.

"They're my lucky socks," he said as way of explanation.

"I am disgusted."

"Problem solved!" Parvati said, triumphantly waving about a copy of Witch's Weekly.

"Already? You're a fast one, girl."

"I had help." She bowed graciously to Lavender, her partner in crime and driver of the get-away car. She waved Parvati's gentlemanly gesture away with a swipe of one refined and exaggerated hand.

"No, no, really, it was all you my lady! I merely provided the means." Parvati twitched her finger to and fro in embellished scolding.

"Ah, but you seem to forget that the ends justify the means!" Lavender tossed her hair back and stuck her nose into the air as though she were the Queen of England, wizarding or not.

"I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean!"

"So, what's got him entertained this evening?" Ginny asked with an overstress rolling of the eye.

"We set him up on a date!" Lavender exclaimed, giving Ginny a release from snob-Lavender to, even worse, over-excited-teen-aged-girl-Lavender.

"A date?" Ginny questioned with obvious quizzical withdrawal.

"A date! We sent him a letter setting him up on a blind date for tonight!"

"Please tell me you actually did set up a blind date, and that he's not going to show up with flowers and sit for three hours, wondering where his mystery woman is?"

"Of course not!" Parvati looked ridiculously outraged. "We're only that mean to our close, personal friends." She winked at Ginny, because who knows who her next victim will be.

"No, we searched through the Witch's Weekly Personal Ads, and we found one asking for..." Lavender paused and found the ad, circled in red ink. "Asking for 'a cat-enthusiast to share some cat-nip tea with'." She and Parvati shared a jealous 'awe!' at the ever-romantic ad.

"So, who IS Filch's mystery woman?" Ginny inquired.

"Oh, I'm not sure." Parvati searched through the paper. "Her name's Pears or Figgs or something like that."

(End Flashback Scene)

And so, we join Hermione as she tentatively pushed open the door to her awaiting doom.

"Miss Granger."

"Professor." (Don't think about leather pants. Don't think about leather pants. Don't think about leather pants.)

Snape stood from his desk, causing his oft-used and rusty chair to release a rustling squeak, sounding almost exactly like the sound a man where leather pants makes when he stands up. Although, that could have just been Hermione's imagination. Though, I doubt it. (Probably bewitched it to sound like that, the sick masochist bastard.)

"Please, fetch a chair and join me. I assume you brought your own protection." She nodded and pulled out her gloves. (Why can't he call them Dragonhide Gloves? Protection is just so... suggestive.)

He peered down at her, waiting patiently for something that apparently wasn't coming. (He's trying to get you to confess some more. But the jokes on him! I don't have anything more TO confess!) Her thoughts froze for a moment. (Wait! I haven't told him about that dream where he, Draco, and I are locked in the broom closet!) Before she could stop herself, her mouth opened, much to her horror.

"Well? What are you waiting for?" (You!) She thought, though for once thankful that he cut her off. "Put your gloves on, quickly now."

"Yes, let's get this over with as swiftly as possible." He curled his lips into his normal, devilish grin.

"Now, now Granger. You mustn't be hasty if you want the job done," ever the verbal showman, he paused for effect, "properly." (Circe's wonder bra, this man could make Al Gore's obituary sound like erotica.)

And, back in the comfortable, Gryffindor common room two girls gathered around a black scrying mirror, while Ginny contented herself with doing her Arithmacy homework.

"Are you sure you don't want a piece of this action, Gin?"

"Oh yeah, I'm sure there's lots of racy stuff happening." She rolled her eyes. "I, unlike some people," she glared at the two giggling Gryffindors, "don't want to horn," Parvati snickered "in on my friend's detention. It's not like anything salacious is going to happen, anyways."

"Oh, Salacious! Don't we feel smart!" Parvati nudged Lavender and they turned back to the mirror.

Snape snapped open the locks off the chest and allowed a look at the plant that resided inside. Hermione suddenly understood why they never... handled this plant in Herbology before.

It was shaped as a carrot, or cucumber or something else... er... shaped like... a... a--uh...

And back at the common room, Lavender and Parvati were having trouble breathing between fits of rolling laughter.

Snape either didn't notice or refused to acknowledge Hermione's face, which at the sight of the plants turn as bright red as Ron's head.

('Plants' is just spelt too close to 'Pants' for my tastes.)

He pulled the plant out of the box and set it on the table before him.

"Tonight I'm going to teach you to properly massage the fluid out of a Bubotubors. This skill will no doubt serve you well through out your life."

"Yeah, I bet the motions can be taken from this lesson and applied to other areas of interest!"

"And Snape, being so lonely, has probably perfected the touch!"

"Yes sir, I've never... er... cared for a Bubotubors plant before."

"First, let's work on your grip. It's similar to holding a wand, or a broom handle..."

"Mount your brooms and hold on tightly. I don't want any of you slipping off the ends!"

"I doubt Snape has a whole lot to slip of off, if you get my drift."

"Yeah, I guess we'll just have to ask Hermione when she gets back!"

"You have an excellent grip, Miss Granger. Perhaps that is why you are so... proficient with your wand." (A compliment? From... from Snape? Alright, who is this man and what has he done with our Potions professor? And how much to keep the real one gone?)

"Thank you sir."

"Now, once you have a good grip on the plant, you must stimulate in order for the plant to emit the pus we need. Follow my example."

"Oh my god, he's..."

"...will stimulate the dormant magic that resides in it."

"Similar to some plant's seemingly sentient responses?"

"Precisely. I'm glad you noticed. The Bubotubors plant response to the touch..."

"...of vivacious young virgins such as yourself."

"Now you try it." He handed her the plant. "That's right, just like that. You have an outstanding technique."

"Well, Ron and Harry aren't her best-friends for nothing."

"Parvati!" Ginny looked mortified at he friend's shocking, sordid remark.

"Oh, that you object to, but Snape gets off scot-free with all those obscene gestures?" She shook her head in calm disgust. "What a sick world we live in."

And then a noise distracted her, and they were once again drawn into the delightful detention.

"Oh! Oh!" Hermione squealed delightedly. Snape smiled his calm, sneering smile down on her. "It's coming out! The pus is coming out!"

"She is so lucky that Bubotubors' pus is yellow, not white."

Snape sighed contentedly. "Nicely done, Miss Granger. You are excused."

"What? No 'was it good for you too, Hermione?'"

"He should at least give her a fair well cigarette!"

"You two know that she'll probably be upset when she sees that you were spying on her, and that you have about two minutes until she arrives, right?"

"Oh no! You're right!" Parvati exclaimed in genuine hastiness. "We only have two minutes to think up as many jokes mocking Hermione as we can! I usually have so much more time to prepare!" Ginny rolled her eyes and gathered her homework up.

"Twenty bucks says you unwittingly use Bubotubors pus as toothpaste tomorrow morning."

A/N: Whoa, whoa, oh my. Just writing that was an experience.

I must admit, I had to edit a whole lot this chapter. If you're a perverse masochist like I am, and you want to read the unadulterated, perverted version of this, feel free to e-mail me at lost_in_the_forest@hotmail.com or AIM me at lost onna no ko.

You know, Parvati is my type of gal. It's about time we have a perverted character like her in Potterverse, am I right?

One thousand eight hundred and forty two THANKS to everyone who reviewed! Your reviews seriously crack me up more than any story on ff.net :D Keep up the good work! ^.-

~Lost in the Forest