Hello! This is a random weird thing that I felt like writing, and it was
quite fun to write actually. I have nothing against little girls, Barbie
bikes or Microsoft, it's just something that fitted in. I also own nothing.
Nothing. Not even the Barbie bicycle. Or the little girl. Or Saruman's
dress. I do not own Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, nor do I own anything like
Bill Gates, Microsoft or the Internet. This is an A/U by the way, please
review! Flames are welcome, I shall laugh at them, and then show them to my
friends, and they shall laugh at them, and then post them on the net, and
then the whole world will laugh at them! Hey, they're anonymous mostly,
what does it matter? Please read and review, and give me ideas for another
chapter if you have any! Thanks!
W.W.F., or, the Woeful Wanderers of Fantasy:
"Welcome to this extremely important gathering of all members of "Woeful Wanderers of Fantasy" or WWF, not to be confused with The World Wildlife Fund, or the World Wrestling Federation. This gathering is crucial to our plot of world domination by using unnecessary and completely incomprehensible long words. Plus, we..."
Sauron was, at this point, rudely interrupted by his partner-in-crime, Saruman the White. They were currently sitting in an evil-looking place somewhere secret in Middle Earth, at an extremely evil time, eleven in the morning. Saruman was drinking a cup of tea and eating cookies for his elevenses, while Sauron was giving Saruman dirty looks to make up for the fact that giant flaming eyes are not able to eat or drink, and Sauron could not drink his favourite beverage, which was 'Mountain Dew'.
"We?"
Saruman was slightly confused at this point. He was of the opinion that, as only Sauron had been speaking, and Sauron was just one person, the correct grammatical term would be 'I'. Saruon promptly offered an explanation.
"Yeah, we. I is we. We is I. Read my book "Rings, and their alluring power" for more information concerning this matter. In the meantime, stop interrupting me; I am the all powerful society president. Now, we also have another interesting point to raise at this gathering."
"Can you stop saying 'gathering'? It makes us sound like the teddy bears picnic. We are not fluffy, we are evil. Evil and misunderstood."
Sauron was slightly confused by this, but Saruman was rather a confusing person, and, if Sauron was honest with himself, awful to live with. Anyone who paints his nails each morning, and is a guy, would try the patience of a normal person. But Sauron was not a normal person, and patience was not something that a mighty dark lord needed to concern himself with. This time, however, he was unusually controlled about the interruption.
"Yes, yes, whatever. How about 'meeting'"
"Hmm... It does have rather a ring to it..."
Saruman reluctantly agreed, waiting for the gloating that would no doubt follow.
"I thought so myself. Now, we have a most important topic to discuss..."
"We do not discuss, we plot! Because we are evil! Muahaha... eeeeevil..."
Sauron was slightly worried about this outburst from his sidekick, but, like the true pro that he was, he kept pretty much silent. "Uhh. yeah sure. Well, this one we might have to discuss, because I'm not sure we can plot a new name for our society. We are at a point of crisis. People jeer at me in the street, and therefore the name must go."
"I like the name!"
"Is all you care about yourself?"
"Yes."
That was very true, but Sauron was in no position to talk, as all he cared about was himself. He therefore changed the subject before Saruman could question him on the matter.
"Well I think the name's wimpy. Woeful- we're not woeful, we're EVIL! EVIL I SAY! MUAHAHAHA!!!"
"You said that five seconds ago."
"You did. And anyway, it's true. The name sucks."
"No it doesn't."
"Yes it does."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
They argued until they were so damn tired of arguing they couldn't remember what the hell they were arguing about, and asked the inevitable question:
"What were we arguing about?"
"I dunno."
"Oh well. Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
Until Sauron realised that, despite being a random giant eyeball disguised in a black cloak, he did in fact have a brain, and an evil one at that. So, when an evil plan finally formed in his mind, he was eager to gloat to Saruman.
"Actually, I now have a brilliant master plan."
"You do?"
"Yes, a plot worthy of Sauron himself! Oh wait, that's me! Hee hee!"
He giggled insanely for ten minutes, and then realised that this behaviour was not becoming to a dark lord, and abruptly stopped. Saruman gave him a strange look.
"Are you drunk?"
Sauron was not in fact drunk, because giant fiery eyeballs do not have mouths, and it is therefore impossible for them to consume drink, and they do not in fact have stomachs, so even if Sauron had managed to drink something, he could never have kept it down. He was, therefore, just slightly hyperactive due to killing large quantities of sweet, innocent, pure and fluffy white bunnies just a little earlier in the day.
"No. On with the evil plot to mastermind all evil plots! We will use our sweet, innocent, pure and fluffy white World Wildlife Fund name to attract potential evildoers."
"Ok..."
There was a long, awkward pause, before Saruman finally spoke again:
"I don't get it."
Sauron sighed a very loud, exasperated sigh.
"Stupid moron. We will tell people that they can save baby pandas or other such evil specimens, if they meet us at a certain evil place, such as... the house of an innocent child, at an evil time... such as... midnight, where we will secretly and evilly recruit them to the dark side. Duuuuh."
There was another long pause, before Saruman, looking confused, spoke again:
"I still don't get it."
Sauron was really mad, and exasperated, by this point, and shouted,
"Well then shut up, or endure the wrath of Sauron!"
"Ok."
Saruman agreed, because the wrath of Sauron is dangerous at eleven o'clock in the morning.
"What did I tell you about shutting up?"
"Umm... to shut up?"
"And what does that mean?"
"Umm... be quiet?"
Sauron clapped enthusiastically, yet sarcastically. Realising that those two words both ended in -tically, there was another round of insane giggles from Sauron, and ten minutes later, he remembered the argument.
"Right! So what should you be doing?"
There was silence, and Sauron was satisfied.
"Much better."
There was a long and boring silence, which I won't bother to tell you about, due primarily to the fact that it was long and boring, before Sauron finally allowed Saruman to speak again. Then they went outside in the streets of Earth, which they were very conveniently sucked into right at that moment, and looked in vain for a potentially evil genius to transform. Until... they spied a girl hopping daintily around the corner. Pure as the winter snow when it has been trodden upon by the thousands of over-zealous little children that Sauron and Saruman detested so much, she had an evil air to her, helped by the fact that she pushed over a small child on a Barbie bicycle, and merely laughed and hopped away.
They approached the girl with an air that only an evil mastermind can carry off without looking like a complete and utter idiot. Which unfortunately ruled out both of them. And so, looking like idiots, they approached the girl. Sauron coughed, and introduced himself.
"Hello... We are from the World Wildlife Foundation..."
"Yeeeesss... that would be it..."
Sauron nudged Saruman in order to make him shut up, as he was coming dangerously close to revealing the secret.
Unfortunately, though, there was another set back to their plan. Most people on earth, having a pretty good idea from the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien, knew to stay well away from these plotters.
Frodo fangirls were especially wary of the evil twosome, and enjoyed the pastime of shouting abuse, and spitting at these foul monsters. Legolas and Aragorn fangirls did the same, although admittedly there were fewer cases of violence, Sam fangirls armed with plastic bags and gardening equipment attempted to kill Sauron although they never did succeed... perhaps it had something to do with the fact that Sauron cannot die yet as the story isn't finished... no that can't be it... Anyway, Gimli fangirls... well they were pretty much non-existent, and therefore we won't mention them.
The occasional Gollum fangirl would jump out from the shadows at Sauron, screaming "MY PRECIOUSSSSSS" at the top of their voice, but that was about it. Oh, and some Harry Potter fans sometimes mistook him for Lord Voldemort, and screamed, "Leave my Harry alone!", which was obviously embarrassing for Sauron, as he hated to be compared to less successful dark lords. He chose to conveniently ignore the fact that he, like Lord Voldemort, had been beaten by someone less than half his age and size.
The girl spoke with an air of knowledge and recognition.
"I recognise you! You're the guy from..."
Sauron was panic stricken, and in a bid to cover up his true identity, he replied-
"No, really I'm not that evil... You've got me all wrong, I'm misunderstood! Misunderstood I say!"
"From Star Trek! With the pointy ears!"
"No... That's way off course. My councillor told me to make my feelings known to those who upset me, and that is just what I am about to do. I feel very irritated, annoyed, and jealous of the guy with pointy ears, and upset that you do not, in fact, recognise me for who I am!"
Sauron was outraged. Did he look like Spock from Star Trek? No, that was impossible. He was simply too evil! He smiled a satisfied smile. This girl was wrong. Wrong and stupid.
"But I do! You're the guy from Star Trek! And you- You are Gandalf from Lord of the Rings! Haha!"
The girl seemed quite pleased with herself, although she was, in fact, still wrong.
"No, my name is Saruman. I wear nail polish, Gandalf does not. I have nice hair, Gandalf does not, I wear a dress, and Gandalf... well he kinda does too. I am a girl, and Gandalf is n- oops that one kinda slipped out, huh."
Saruman looked very guilty, and hid behind Sauron. Seeing that something should probably be said at this point, Sauron rose to the occasion, and shouted with a sense of pride:
"And I, I am Sauron! Lord of the rings! Bow down to my evilness!"
He was to be disappointed at the reaction however, as the girl simply replied:
"You look like my little brother, are you sure you're not?"
"Yes."
Sauron was again disappointed, but let it pass this time. Obviously this girl was not a potentially evil genius after all. She was just plain evil. And what is evil without genius? The girl looked disappointed, but merely said:
"Oh. Ok. I'll be on my way."
And the potentially evil girl skipped happily away to plot an evil plot against the guy with the pointy ears from Star Trek.
Having given up on their plan after one miserable failure (which was a stupid idea in the first place), they retired to their not-so-secret den to discuss a new name which would not in any way relate them to something cute and fluffy.
Saruman eventually came up with the idea of
"Eventual Violation of Indescribable Laws!"
Or EVIL, as it was known by non-members (i.e. the rest of the world). No one was quite sure what it meant, even Saruman himself, but hey, it sounded impressive, and it spelt EVIL!
Why they did not just name their society "evil", without the stupid meaningless words in-between, nobody knew nor cared.
Sauron, being the president of the society and the self proclaimed "most important one" took credit for the society's new name, and using the identity of one Bill Gates, a teenager in America currently locked up in Middle Earth somewhere for fear that EVIL's dastardly scheme would be uncovered, the society of EVIL took over most of the computers in our modern day world using the smoke screen of "Microsoft", and eventually "the internet" to spread their evil ideas through to innocent children.
Even now, we are still being corrupted. Yes, even now... Evil lives...
W.W.F., or, the Woeful Wanderers of Fantasy:
"Welcome to this extremely important gathering of all members of "Woeful Wanderers of Fantasy" or WWF, not to be confused with The World Wildlife Fund, or the World Wrestling Federation. This gathering is crucial to our plot of world domination by using unnecessary and completely incomprehensible long words. Plus, we..."
Sauron was, at this point, rudely interrupted by his partner-in-crime, Saruman the White. They were currently sitting in an evil-looking place somewhere secret in Middle Earth, at an extremely evil time, eleven in the morning. Saruman was drinking a cup of tea and eating cookies for his elevenses, while Sauron was giving Saruman dirty looks to make up for the fact that giant flaming eyes are not able to eat or drink, and Sauron could not drink his favourite beverage, which was 'Mountain Dew'.
"We?"
Saruman was slightly confused at this point. He was of the opinion that, as only Sauron had been speaking, and Sauron was just one person, the correct grammatical term would be 'I'. Saruon promptly offered an explanation.
"Yeah, we. I is we. We is I. Read my book "Rings, and their alluring power" for more information concerning this matter. In the meantime, stop interrupting me; I am the all powerful society president. Now, we also have another interesting point to raise at this gathering."
"Can you stop saying 'gathering'? It makes us sound like the teddy bears picnic. We are not fluffy, we are evil. Evil and misunderstood."
Sauron was slightly confused by this, but Saruman was rather a confusing person, and, if Sauron was honest with himself, awful to live with. Anyone who paints his nails each morning, and is a guy, would try the patience of a normal person. But Sauron was not a normal person, and patience was not something that a mighty dark lord needed to concern himself with. This time, however, he was unusually controlled about the interruption.
"Yes, yes, whatever. How about 'meeting'"
"Hmm... It does have rather a ring to it..."
Saruman reluctantly agreed, waiting for the gloating that would no doubt follow.
"I thought so myself. Now, we have a most important topic to discuss..."
"We do not discuss, we plot! Because we are evil! Muahaha... eeeeevil..."
Sauron was slightly worried about this outburst from his sidekick, but, like the true pro that he was, he kept pretty much silent. "Uhh. yeah sure. Well, this one we might have to discuss, because I'm not sure we can plot a new name for our society. We are at a point of crisis. People jeer at me in the street, and therefore the name must go."
"I like the name!"
"Is all you care about yourself?"
"Yes."
That was very true, but Sauron was in no position to talk, as all he cared about was himself. He therefore changed the subject before Saruman could question him on the matter.
"Well I think the name's wimpy. Woeful- we're not woeful, we're EVIL! EVIL I SAY! MUAHAHAHA!!!"
"You said that five seconds ago."
"You did. And anyway, it's true. The name sucks."
"No it doesn't."
"Yes it does."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
They argued until they were so damn tired of arguing they couldn't remember what the hell they were arguing about, and asked the inevitable question:
"What were we arguing about?"
"I dunno."
"Oh well. Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
Until Sauron realised that, despite being a random giant eyeball disguised in a black cloak, he did in fact have a brain, and an evil one at that. So, when an evil plan finally formed in his mind, he was eager to gloat to Saruman.
"Actually, I now have a brilliant master plan."
"You do?"
"Yes, a plot worthy of Sauron himself! Oh wait, that's me! Hee hee!"
He giggled insanely for ten minutes, and then realised that this behaviour was not becoming to a dark lord, and abruptly stopped. Saruman gave him a strange look.
"Are you drunk?"
Sauron was not in fact drunk, because giant fiery eyeballs do not have mouths, and it is therefore impossible for them to consume drink, and they do not in fact have stomachs, so even if Sauron had managed to drink something, he could never have kept it down. He was, therefore, just slightly hyperactive due to killing large quantities of sweet, innocent, pure and fluffy white bunnies just a little earlier in the day.
"No. On with the evil plot to mastermind all evil plots! We will use our sweet, innocent, pure and fluffy white World Wildlife Fund name to attract potential evildoers."
"Ok..."
There was a long, awkward pause, before Saruman finally spoke again:
"I don't get it."
Sauron sighed a very loud, exasperated sigh.
"Stupid moron. We will tell people that they can save baby pandas or other such evil specimens, if they meet us at a certain evil place, such as... the house of an innocent child, at an evil time... such as... midnight, where we will secretly and evilly recruit them to the dark side. Duuuuh."
There was another long pause, before Saruman, looking confused, spoke again:
"I still don't get it."
Sauron was really mad, and exasperated, by this point, and shouted,
"Well then shut up, or endure the wrath of Sauron!"
"Ok."
Saruman agreed, because the wrath of Sauron is dangerous at eleven o'clock in the morning.
"What did I tell you about shutting up?"
"Umm... to shut up?"
"And what does that mean?"
"Umm... be quiet?"
Sauron clapped enthusiastically, yet sarcastically. Realising that those two words both ended in -tically, there was another round of insane giggles from Sauron, and ten minutes later, he remembered the argument.
"Right! So what should you be doing?"
There was silence, and Sauron was satisfied.
"Much better."
There was a long and boring silence, which I won't bother to tell you about, due primarily to the fact that it was long and boring, before Sauron finally allowed Saruman to speak again. Then they went outside in the streets of Earth, which they were very conveniently sucked into right at that moment, and looked in vain for a potentially evil genius to transform. Until... they spied a girl hopping daintily around the corner. Pure as the winter snow when it has been trodden upon by the thousands of over-zealous little children that Sauron and Saruman detested so much, she had an evil air to her, helped by the fact that she pushed over a small child on a Barbie bicycle, and merely laughed and hopped away.
They approached the girl with an air that only an evil mastermind can carry off without looking like a complete and utter idiot. Which unfortunately ruled out both of them. And so, looking like idiots, they approached the girl. Sauron coughed, and introduced himself.
"Hello... We are from the World Wildlife Foundation..."
"Yeeeesss... that would be it..."
Sauron nudged Saruman in order to make him shut up, as he was coming dangerously close to revealing the secret.
Unfortunately, though, there was another set back to their plan. Most people on earth, having a pretty good idea from the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien, knew to stay well away from these plotters.
Frodo fangirls were especially wary of the evil twosome, and enjoyed the pastime of shouting abuse, and spitting at these foul monsters. Legolas and Aragorn fangirls did the same, although admittedly there were fewer cases of violence, Sam fangirls armed with plastic bags and gardening equipment attempted to kill Sauron although they never did succeed... perhaps it had something to do with the fact that Sauron cannot die yet as the story isn't finished... no that can't be it... Anyway, Gimli fangirls... well they were pretty much non-existent, and therefore we won't mention them.
The occasional Gollum fangirl would jump out from the shadows at Sauron, screaming "MY PRECIOUSSSSSS" at the top of their voice, but that was about it. Oh, and some Harry Potter fans sometimes mistook him for Lord Voldemort, and screamed, "Leave my Harry alone!", which was obviously embarrassing for Sauron, as he hated to be compared to less successful dark lords. He chose to conveniently ignore the fact that he, like Lord Voldemort, had been beaten by someone less than half his age and size.
The girl spoke with an air of knowledge and recognition.
"I recognise you! You're the guy from..."
Sauron was panic stricken, and in a bid to cover up his true identity, he replied-
"No, really I'm not that evil... You've got me all wrong, I'm misunderstood! Misunderstood I say!"
"From Star Trek! With the pointy ears!"
"No... That's way off course. My councillor told me to make my feelings known to those who upset me, and that is just what I am about to do. I feel very irritated, annoyed, and jealous of the guy with pointy ears, and upset that you do not, in fact, recognise me for who I am!"
Sauron was outraged. Did he look like Spock from Star Trek? No, that was impossible. He was simply too evil! He smiled a satisfied smile. This girl was wrong. Wrong and stupid.
"But I do! You're the guy from Star Trek! And you- You are Gandalf from Lord of the Rings! Haha!"
The girl seemed quite pleased with herself, although she was, in fact, still wrong.
"No, my name is Saruman. I wear nail polish, Gandalf does not. I have nice hair, Gandalf does not, I wear a dress, and Gandalf... well he kinda does too. I am a girl, and Gandalf is n- oops that one kinda slipped out, huh."
Saruman looked very guilty, and hid behind Sauron. Seeing that something should probably be said at this point, Sauron rose to the occasion, and shouted with a sense of pride:
"And I, I am Sauron! Lord of the rings! Bow down to my evilness!"
He was to be disappointed at the reaction however, as the girl simply replied:
"You look like my little brother, are you sure you're not?"
"Yes."
Sauron was again disappointed, but let it pass this time. Obviously this girl was not a potentially evil genius after all. She was just plain evil. And what is evil without genius? The girl looked disappointed, but merely said:
"Oh. Ok. I'll be on my way."
And the potentially evil girl skipped happily away to plot an evil plot against the guy with the pointy ears from Star Trek.
Having given up on their plan after one miserable failure (which was a stupid idea in the first place), they retired to their not-so-secret den to discuss a new name which would not in any way relate them to something cute and fluffy.
Saruman eventually came up with the idea of
"Eventual Violation of Indescribable Laws!"
Or EVIL, as it was known by non-members (i.e. the rest of the world). No one was quite sure what it meant, even Saruman himself, but hey, it sounded impressive, and it spelt EVIL!
Why they did not just name their society "evil", without the stupid meaningless words in-between, nobody knew nor cared.
Sauron, being the president of the society and the self proclaimed "most important one" took credit for the society's new name, and using the identity of one Bill Gates, a teenager in America currently locked up in Middle Earth somewhere for fear that EVIL's dastardly scheme would be uncovered, the society of EVIL took over most of the computers in our modern day world using the smoke screen of "Microsoft", and eventually "the internet" to spread their evil ideas through to innocent children.
Even now, we are still being corrupted. Yes, even now... Evil lives...