Author's Notes: I'm baaccccckkkkkkk!!!!! Here's another chapter to feed your brains. I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I'm not inventive enough to think up the Tamora Pierce books, so naturally I don't own them.

Thom finally got around to making the spell, much to the delight of Delia. She was so happy that she felt like bursting at any moment. Not that anyone would mind if she did.

As soon as he had finished reciting the blasted thing, lightning flashed and Delia squealed like a sow. "Wuss," Thom muttered under his breath.

Suddenly, in Duke Roger's tomb, something thudded against the door. "Fwett me fwout!" came a muffled (and rather irritated) cry from the inside. "Fwett me fwout, foo moffer fucking fwasterds!" Thom rolled his eyes and opened the door for the Duke of Conté, who strode out with a glare.

"Took you long enough," he said, then spotted Thom. "What the-"

"I got him to take you back from the dead!" Delia gushed, pushing herself into Roger's view. "Aren't I smart?"

"Delia, he's our enemy! What were you thinking?!" Roger yelled.

"Well, he agreed to it, didn't he? And now that you're here, it shouldn't matter! It's not like he'll tell his sister or that he has any control over you!" Roger shook his head in shame, which confused Delia. "What? He doesn't!…Does he?"

"Never mind, you twit." Roger turned to Thom. "Why exactly did you resurrect me? I'm not in any state to give you money, you know."

"She threatened me!" Thom said, pointing to Delia, "She's got the all the Court ladies stalking my every move, stealing my loin clothes and saving bits of dirt I've stepped on. It's maddening, I tell you!" Delia smiled sweetly while Roger shook his head yet again.

"You have the oddest ways of bribing people," the Duke said.

"Only for you!" Delia sucked up. Thom suddenly spotted something amiss about the Duke.

"Mithros! There's where Alanna stabbed you!" Thom said, pointing to a gaping hole in Roger's chest. Roger looked down at it and swore. "You'll have to fix that."

"A large tunic will have to do. Do you have any spares with you?" he asked. Delia happened to look at a statue and spotted one of the Court ladies hiding there.

Delia snapped her fingers. "Oh yeah!" she giggled (receiving a glare from both the men). She cleared her throat and shouted, "GIRRRLLSSSS! ROGER'S HERE!"

Instantly what could have been mistaken for a stampede of elephants sounded and the whole Court female population tackled Roger to the ground. Thom laughed his head off at the evil Duke's plight.

"What's so funny?" Delia asked.

"He's gone from one hell to another!" Thom cackled, then walked off, still chuckling to himself. Delia tried vainly to get the Duke's attention.

"Duke Roger! Now that you're here, can you-"

"HEEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!" cried the Duke.

Delia pouted and stomped off. "You're no good," she muttered.

Once the Duke was finally free of the onslaught of estrogen, Delia managed to start her begging.

"Puuuuuhhhh-lease!?!?!?!? I'm asking you nicely!" Delia protested.

"No, you feather brained twit! I'm going to kill Alanna, not change her into a boy!"

"Why are you so me-eeeaaan to mee—eeeeeeee? WAAA-" Delia started bawling, but soon Roger clamped his mouth over her lip paint caked mouth.

"Don't you start that again. You know how much it irritates me, and anyone else within a 10 day's travel radius!" he hissed, taking his hand off her and wiping off the lip paint on his pants, disgusted. "Is all that paint really necessary? Your lips are the exact same colour as that goop you slap on them." Delia paid no attention to his last remark.

"Ra-dee-ous?" she repeated methodically.

"Never mind. You need an education to understand it. Do you know what is?" he seethed.

"I think so…" Before Roger could continue humiliating Delia, Alex burst into the room.

He bowed deeply. "My Lord! I have missed you so much! I heard of your resurrection, and I-"

"Get out, you butt-kisser! You're not wanted here!" Delia shouted, throwing a vase at Alex (it hit 6 feet away from her target).

"Butt-kisser! I'm not the one who blew Ambassador Mikal so I could have his horse!"

"It wasn't Mikal, it was Dain of Melor!" Delia realized her mistake. "I mean – that's a lie!" She stuck her nose in the air and turned around, flipping her hair in Alex's face. "Roger, tell him to get out." When nothing happened, she whirled around again. "Roger?"

The Duke of Conté had left in aggravation. Alex and Delia were alone in the room. And glaring at each other.

"Butt-kisser!"

"Dain-blower!"

"Teeny-wiener!"

"Gifted boobs!"

"What?! No one was supposed to know about that operation! The healing woman swore to secrecy!"

"She didn't swear enough."

"I hate you, fish-lips!"

"Alanna lover!"

Sometime later, a Princess from the Copper Isles came to Court. She was immediately introduced to Delia, who was to be her tutor.

"Why do I have to tutor her? She looks smart, she doesn't need me!" Delia whined to the messenger.

"Hi, my name is Josiane!" the Princess happily chattered.

"Well, you see, there is a slight problem with her…" the messenger said nervously.

"Hi, my name is Josiane!" she repeated. Delia stared at her.

"Is that all she can say?" Delia choked.

"She doesn't speak Common. All she knows is that phrase. It's the only thing that she's said the whole time she's been here and it's really starting to annoy everyone. They decided that someone should teach her how to speak it. So they drew names out of a hat-"

"WHAT!?!?!"

"It's a perfectly fair way to decide things," the messenger said hastily.

"Hi, my name is Josiane!"

Delia slapped her hand to her forehead as the messenger fled to be free. "Oh, Gods! This is going to be the worst time of my life! First Roger won't turn Alanna into a boy, and now I have to work with this twit!"

"Hi, my name is Josiane!" the Princess smiled sweetly.

"It's like having a really annoying, stupid, big-chested bimbo here. One that isn't smart enough to understand what you're saying, and is so selfish and vain that she only thinks of herself! How can I live with this?!?!" Delia said, not realizing the irony of her statement. "Come on, Josie! Come on! We need to go somewhere! Come on, girl!"

Josiane followed Delia like a little puppy to her room, where they began the Princess' Common lessons instantly. It was 5 hours later when a knock on the door sounded and Roger poked his head in.

"Delia, I need to talk to you," he said, then noticed Josiane. "Who is that?"

Delia stood up and said bubbly, "This is Josiane of the Copper Isles! I get to teach her Common!" She looked at Josiane. "Say something, Josie!"

"Do you have a bitch?" Josiane asked, looking very proud of herself. Roger's eyes went as wide as his abnormally large feet.

"What are you teaching her, Delia!? You'll have her beheaded if she says that to the King!" Roger yelled.

"She means female dog."

Josiane continued. "Does your bitch know Shang?" Roger glared at Delia.

"What? I didn't do anything wrong!" Delia said.

"I have a bitch, too," she chattered. "Mine likes women."

Roger pulled Delia out of the room, muttering something about finding a new Common tutor. "Delia, I have some news for you."

"What is it? Is my hairline receding?"

"NO! LISTEN FOR ONCE!" Roger boomed. Delia looked non-plussed, so he went on. "I'll turn Alanna into a boy after I'm finished killing her, but you have to promise me something."

"Oh, yay! You'll do it! Just for me!" Delia clapped her hands and did a little jig, heedless of the "after" part.

"I said that you have to promise me something first!" Roger said, losing patience. "You have to stab Jon for me at the Crowning ceremony if things get complicated, alright?"

"Stab Jon after you turn Alanna into a boy – gotcha," Delia said, memorizing the instructions.

"Argh! You're hopeless!" Roger stormed off, leaving Delia a bit ticked.

"What? I was only repeating what you told me to do!" Josiane came out, still happy and cheerful.

"Are you my bitch?" she asked.

"Oh, shut up!" Delia spat.

Several months of Delia planning her and Alan's wedding later, a rumour spread that the Lioness was nearing the capital. Irrelevantly, Josiane nearly swallowed her tongue and it took 15 hits (there were 42 misses) from Delia swinging the embroidery pillow at her before she was well again. They completely forgot the incident 2 minutes later.

The end!

(Since you all know the rest of the story from there)