Hey! SOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry, for not updating sooner. I kno I'm late, but this
chapter is worth the wait I'm very proud of it.
I LOVE MY REVIEWERS SOOO MUCH! Your're the reason I got off my but and updated! I CANT BELIEVE I PASSED 200! I was gonna respond to reviews, but its now 4-06 in the morning and I have to be up in about 5 hrs, so I figured u'd rather have the update today!
Besides I made a promise to a faithful reader.
SO on with the show.
Finally Understanding.
Sesshoumaru scanned the room with critical eyes, and gave a mental sigh of relief as he FINALLY found everything up to his critical standards. He felt exhausted, though the results were well worth it.
Elegant black lamps that were expertly situated throughout the living room filling it with a warm glow. A larger light fixture was screwed into the ceiling, but created far too much light for Sesshoumaru's current mood, and would no doubt only aggravate his migraine.
The new crisp milk colored walls accentuated the delicate chestnut moldings that had been hidden by the garish bubble gum pink paint. This apartment had definitely been a good investment, and completely undeserving of the ditz of a girl it had previously belonged to.
His eyes wandered over to the entranceway that led from the living room to the dining room, which was a more of a door-less wide arch than a definite barrier between the two rooms. The dining room itself was only slightly smaller than the living room, and now furnished with a thin, elegant black marble table that seemed to fit well with the décor of the apartment, as well as the personality of the inhabitant.
The entire apartment was decorated with an interesting mix of black as white as its theme, and seemed to contain a delicate balance of wood, metal, and rich fabrics. The unique clash brought together with the occasional splashes of a deep brick red exhibited an interesting balance between ancient and modern with an unusual elegance that was purely Sesshoumaru.
Finally finished surveying his new home, Sesshoumaru gracefully plopped down the couch, resting his head against the finely upholstered arm and allowing his hair to swing down the end of the couch in a shimmering silver river that seemed to catch the light and make it its own (A/n:: aka glow) as it brushed the thick rug laying on the floor.
Just as he felt his heavy eyelids start to drift close, he heard the distinct ring of his door bell, and with a barely contained groan pulled himself to his feet and swept towards the door determined the strangle whichever foolish mortal had dare disturb him. A sentiment that flew out the window as soon as he saw the sight that met his tired eyes and brought a small smile to his lips.
Kagome was beaming up at him with numerous paper and plastic bags barely clutched in her small hands, looking for all the world as if she had just defeated an army of menacing youkai or evil college professors (take your pick) single-handedly.
"I brought dinner," she cheerfully chirped, somehow managing to lift his gloomy mood and raise his previously depleted energy supply with that simple, innocent sentence.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~
Raising one eloquent black eyebrow and curiously eyeing the large number of bags that she had actually managed to fit through the door, Sesshoumaru casually remarked, "You do know that it would be humanly impossible to eat that much food, don't you? You have enough to feed a small starving nation and still have enough left over to kill a zoo full of ravenous Siberian tigers."
Used to his sarcastic remarks, and actually enjoying them, Kagome took the comment in stride and proceeded to unpack several of the bags.
"Not all of the bags are food, besides do you think that I would dare insult the majesty of the great Sesshoumaru-sama by offering him Wacdonalds? I stopped by the Miko no Shikon (A/N:: yes I kno extremely tacky, but I wanted to stick that in somewhere, I think it means priestess of the four souls or something like that but I'm not a natural speaker or even a speaker so feel free to tell me I'm a moron and actually said like a toilet bowl duck or something) restaurant and picked some food up. You know how over enthusiastic they get there get with your food. I swear over half of the staff there has a crush on you," she said pausing with a slight, jealous frown marring her normally jovial face and remembering the not exactly subtle hints, questions, messages, and phone numbers she had been loaded down with before leaving. None of which would be told to Sesshoumaru of course.
When Sesshoumaru had first arrived in Tokyo his freshman year of college, he had been in desperate need of funds. While he compromised and allowed his father to pay for his tuition, his own pride would not allow him to accept more from the man, and still needed to pay for necessities such as food and books.
These dire straits had actually led him to lower himself to work as a waiter and then a host in a high-class restaurant named the Miko no Shikon, which happened to owned by four middle-aged women and have an almost entirely female staff.
Personally, Kagome believed that the only reason the haughty young man had managed to land the job, make it and keep it for so long was that the entire staff along with the owners with half in love with the gorgeous boy.
"Anyway, on the way back from the restaurant, I saw a flea market and couldn't help myself, so I bought a few...
dozen..
things to make the place a bit more homey. Don't give me that look, its nothing expensive. You know very well that I'm too broke to afford anything like that. And its nothing fuzzy, girly, or leopard-print either! Promise."
While she was talking, she had managed to dig up the dishes that his step- mother had brought and set the cold, marble table for two, creating a much more friendly and vibrant atmosphere in the previously almost impeccably lonely apartment.
Sesshoumaru swore he could almost feel the air in the apartment come alive and brighten, as Kagome continued to contently chatter about the various items she had found at the flea market. Somehow it seemed she had managed to actually warm the apartment by several degrees by her mere presence and chase away all of his previous lassitude.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~
The dishes were now stacked in the kitchen, and the remains of their grand, take-out dinner stored in the refrigerator. The atmosphere was relaxed as if in the calm aftermath of a storm. The kind of relaxed contentment that made all of the hell leading up to that one moment seem more than worth it.
Kagome was kneeling on the ground in front of an ottoman with Sesshoumaru sprawled, once again on the couch facing her with his head delicately rested on his curled fist and was propped up by his bent arm. He gazed with interest at the girl, who was now ruffling through one of the many bags placed onto and around the coffee table, which separated the two, situated in the center of the living room.
".. And I thought that these picture frames could go somewhere. I noticed that you didn't have many pictures up in your old apartment, and so I got some for you.
Hmmm.. I think that's it." she said finally emptying out the last of the various items from the various bags. There were now a large amount of nick knacks spread out across the table and the surrounding floor.
The entire time Sesshoumaru had listened to her little explanations on the objects that she had brought, occasionally interjecting a sarcastic comment. Both were completely content to simply be in each other's company.
"Thank you," Sesshoumaru said, looking her straight in the eyes with no sarcasm in his voice, merely a sincere seriousness and an intense gaze that sent shivers down her spine.
While he knew that he should be accustomed to such behavior from her by now, it still touched something inside of him, (A/N:: ugh cliché) because he knew that unlike so many others she acted without any other motivations than to help him. She had cared enough to do this, she had cared enough about him. She had noticed the lack of warmth in his home and sought to change it herself.
And most interestingly of all, he trusted her enough to belief that she did not want anything in return.
"Kagome, what happened today? What about my miserable excuse for a brother upset you so much that you reacted that way? And do not lie to me and say that it was nothing. It is an insult to my intelligence," he said with typical arrogance back in full force as if to almost compensate for the tenderness in his first words.
"I know you far too well for that. How do you know each other?" he finished his voice now tender, almost as if to soothe whatever sting was left from his curt remark and question, making it impossible for Kagome to be angry. He was an enigma wrapped in a conundrum..
(A/N:: I don't remember where I heard that b4 but I kno I got it from somewhere, brownies to anyone who can tell me so I can give proper kudos)
Kagome felt the now familiar feeling of golden heat piercing through every shield she attempted to throw up as the wave of memories crashed down upon her, beating her scarred heart once more.
Unable to look away from the steady gaze that had managed to become even more divine from the mere intensity of his focus, now the pale shade of firelight glinting off gold instead of its usual deep amber.
Sesshoumaru might be able to hide all of his emotions and even his rare smile behind his emotionless masks, but his eyes had always shone with his heart's true workings, like a lighthouse on a chaotic stormy night. The only beacon of hope in a desolately chaotic, cold sea of death and darkness.
He might be able to force cold apathy into them even when he did not feel it to mask whatever other emotions he was feeling, but they would always flicker just under the surface like colorful koi caught beneath the frozen surface of a garden pond.
Inuyasha was the same way, his eyes gave away his every emotion and thought. It was one of the few things they had in common, Kagome noticed. Though when she had started to compare the two in her mind she would never know. Maybe to remind herself that they were truly in fact nothing alike..
But while Inuyasha's eye shone one simple emotion or thought at the time easy to read and precious in its earnest simplicity, Sesshoumaru's burned with an intense complexity that was impossible to decipher. With him things were never so simple, every emotion and thought that flickered under the surface of his eyes, hidden by that ever present icy aloofness, was entwined with a dozen others, making it impossible to even try to understand.
However, Kagome seriously doubted that many people knew that about the frigid young man with lazily hooded beautiful eyes that made him appear constantly bored and hid the shadows of his true self that flitted beneath the ice in them. When he wished, his gaze could radiate a presence all of its own so imposing that it thickened the air and commended respect and obedience. Kagome swore that in a past life he must have been a lord of some sort, and knowing him probably a cuttingly tight-reigned one as well.
She fought down the rising urge to squirm and blush like a schoolgirl under the weight that unswerving gaze. She might not be as able to hide her emotions as well as her cool-headed friend, but that didn't mean she had to embarrass herself by reacting like a silly little girl. She was 19 years old for kami's sake! Momentarily distracted from the momentous question as she felt her mutinous cheeks warm with a telltale flush, she managed to finally wrench her gaze away.
Noticing her distraction, Sesshoumaru repeated his question with a more demanding tone to his voice.
"Kagome, tell me, what past do you have with my brother?"
Snapped back to reality with a cruel jolt, all of the events that had led to her heartbreak came flooding back with the vengeful force of one that would no longer be ignored.
However, surprisingly enough, it no longer hurt as much...
The mind-shattering pain of having her entire soul exposed to the world and ripped to shreds was gone. She was finally ready to really talk about it.
To tell someone everything,
more specifically to tell him..
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_
A few stray damp locks of hair that had managed to escape from her high ponytail joined her bangs in managing to cling to her sweaty face as she bid her students good-bye for the day.
Watching the long line of exhausted students limping out of the room, Miroku smirked from his languid position leaning against the wall of one of the dojo's many practice rooms.
"At least I know that I'm not the only one that willingly suffers from the hands of such a beautiful battle goddess," he commented.
Sango rolled her eyes, even as her cheeks glowed with a blush that she would claim to her dying days was from exertion.
"Well, I warned them when they signed up for this class that it was challenging," she stubbornly maintained in her defense.
"Challenging yes, back-breakingly cruel no," Miroku smoothly replied as he handed his girlfriend a small towel.
"I'm not that tough on them," retorted Sango as she thankfully wiped her face with the towel.
"Besides the ones that couldn't take it left already," she said, remembering the curious way about three-fourths of her male students had suddenly dropped the class about three months into it. Coincidentally, that was the same time Miroku started to sit in during her classes and act ridiculously affectionate and possessive even for him..
Miroku watched as Sango threw the towel over her shoulder and pushed her heavy bangs out of her eyes.
The sweat from her recent workout caused her arms to glisten slightly as she raised them above her head and slightly arched her back in a stretch. Miroku's amethyst gaze was fixated on the way the thin material of her practice outfit slid over her strong, lithe muscles and generous curves.
And inevitably, his mind began to wander to other situations in which she would arch her back that way..
Distracted from his lecherous musings as Sango dropped her arms and prepared to leave the room, he quickly fell into step next to her.
Placing a strong arm around her waist, he pulled her close and leaned down to give her a chaste kiss on the lips, only to have his mischievous hand slowly slip downwards..
Sango smiled at her love's tender actions filling her deep brown eyes with warmth. Suddenly feeling Miroku's hand start to voyage south, sparks of fight began to flicker in her eyes. Sparks, which the carefully watching Miroku knew would continue light her eyes until they were twin fires of fury filled with the promise of much pain for the unwitting boyfriend if he did not stop.
Admiring the swift change in her eyes from calming warmth to a dangerous fierceness, Miroku heard the beginning of a deep growl.
"Miroku move that hand back to were it belongs or I will make sure that children will not even be POSSIBLE for you."
With his patented I'm-too-innocent-for-anything-like-that look, Miroku smiled sweetly as his hand made a quick retreat, settling for making soothing circles on the small of her back, as he watched her eyes soften once again, the sparks retreating into a candle-like warmth that never failed to draw him in.
'Kami-sama, I love her,' he thought with a sigh as she leaned her head on his chest. 'And to think I was almost stupid enough to lose her...'
* * * * * * * *Flashback * * * * * * * *
A teenage boy with his usually jovial eyes tired sat on the massive steps of the high school with his head in his hands.
A slight girl in a green school uniform sat down next to him, and looked upon him with first angry then compassionate eyes, as took in his state.
"What happened?" Miroku asked with his head still bent, unable to look her in the eyes, his voice strained and sorrowful.
"You mean after you made out with that random freshman-what was her name? Kohaku?- and then groped Sango in front of the entire school?
Well, aside from the whole crying and slapping you, not to mention telling you that she hated you and to I quote 'never ever, come near me again you lecherous bastard' she got a ride home with Inu yasha and me. We just dropped her off.
How could you have done that, Miroku?
This was supposed to be YOUR first date, as in you and Sango, and the LAST chance you would ever have with her. You know how much it took for her to open up to you like that and go. How could you expect her to forgive you after this? Unless you don't want her too.."
Kagome peered at him, imploringly searching for the answer that she was sure she could find if she could just look deep enough.
Suddenly Miroku surprised Kagome by throwing his head back and giving a sharp bark of bitter laughter.
"Well, you know me, Kagome. I'm just your neighborhood lecher. I couldn't help myself."
She didn't think that she had ever heard so much bitterness and regretful resignation in his voice.
Staring at his hunched form, Kagome again noticed the stark difference between the depressed form in front of her and the normally, constantly upbeat boy that teasingly groped her best friend and always seemed to have a joking, gibe response to everything.
'He looks so defeated' she thought with sadness. That was what had first stopped her from smacking the young man hard for hurting her friend. The exhaustion and misery that was etched into every line of his body, and the distinct difference it was from the young man he normally was. It was as if he lacked the energy to even fake a decent carefree mask, or maybe he just didn't care anymore..
And there was only one reason she could think of for that, which caused her anger to rush back in full force and all of her compassion to be temporarily pushed onto a back burner.
"Liar!" she hissed with enough force to shock him into looking her in the eyes, finally giving her a perfect view of his downtrodden gaze and the exhausted shadows that seemed to be permanently seeped into his eyes.
But that did not stop her tirade, once her temper was set off it ran its course, especially in situations like this when something so important was at stake.
"That's not true and you know it!
I've seen you with other girls, Miroku, and some of them practically offer to give you a lap dance when you bat an eyelid.
As much as I hate to admit it, you're charming, sweet, and attractive. You could have at least a dozen other girls in the school, and yet you remain single.
And don't give me any of that not-wanting-to-get-tied-down-because-there- are-so-many-beautiful-girls-and-so-much-Miroku-to-go-around garbage, because I know you well enough to know that that isn't true.
There's a reason you ask girls to 'bear your child' and not just sleep with you. You want a relationship, someone to spend time with and be your companion, as well as your lover.
If you were looking for simple sex, you could have it from a thousand other sources, but you insist on going after the one girl that wouldn't.
And if you tried even a quarter of the genuine charm that you use on those sluts on Sango she would be melting. And I don't mean that 'give one overly flowery compliment and couple it with a quick grope either'.
So why, Miroku, why?"
Miroku felt the barefaced honesty of those eyes and the earnest imploring tone of that voice slowly pull the truth from him, and for once he could care less.
He just felt so tired, and sick of it all. Even he was entitled to give-in a little bit, and after everything that he had just given up...
he didn't feel like fighting anymore, not tonight.
"I'm dying," he finally muttering looking away from the completely shocked expression he knew was gracing the face that had only seconds before been so filled with justified fury.
"What. How..?" she finally managed to gasp out, in a voice barely above a whisper, her eyes still round with shock.
Miroku sighed deeply and lay down to rest his head against the cold stone of the steps until he was lying completely across one of the many large steps. Closing his eyes to the stars that seemed to shine brightly and cheerfully in the peaceful night sky, he said, "It's a looong story."
Settling in after finally regaining her composure, Kagome replied, "I'm listening."
"My grandfather used to work for this corporation called 'Naraku no Onigumo'. Huh, I guess it's never really a smart thing to work for a company that's name is 'hell spider'.
Somehow or another, nobody really knows how anymore, the company hushed it up,--amazing what money can do-my grandfather was exposed to some very dangerous, very experimental chemicals.
At the time he was a fairly young man, and the company claimed that there would be no negative side effects, so he settled down, got married, and had a son,
my father.
When my father was about three years old, my grandfather started to become sick.
It turns out that the chemicals had somehow altered his genetic makeup, so now he was dying from cancer. It slowly ate away at him from the inside out, for a looong time,
and my father and grandmother had to live with that.
They had to watch as one of the most important people in their lives slowly died from something they couldn't help fight against.
He was only thirty years old when he finally passed away.
They weren't sure at the time if the gene was passed onto my father, but it soon became evident that he wouldn't live to ripe old age either.
My mother had died in childbirth so he was all that I had left, and he sent me away when he knew that his time was coming close. He didn't want me to see him that way, all broken and dying. He didn't want my last memory of him to be the same one he had of his father.
He died at thirty-one.
In all those years, there's still no cure.
Our family tried to sue to company, but the most we could get them to do was develop a test for the genetic mutation that led to the cancer.
But that test can't be taken until the body has fully grown and reached its prime, which basically means that I can't know for sure whether or not I'm going to die until about 5 years before I actually do.
But everything considering, chances are I'm going to die."
Kagome sat in stunned silence, absorbing the information that she had just been given.
"Oh, Miroku," she said sadly, "Why didn't you tell anyone? Why did you keep all this to yourself for so long?"
"I don't need the pity of other's, Kagome."
Kagome sadly gazed down upon the boy lying beside her, and felt the sudden urge to protect him from all the troubles that the world had unfairly weighed down upon his shoulders. But then again, the world was never fair was it...
She was amazed at how he could joke and clown around all the time with them, and act completely normal while he held this enormous, crushing secret in his heart.
'He must have a very strong spirit.
And he must be used to taking care of everything himself...
to not being able to trust anyone to take care of anything for him..'
"What does that have to do with why you drove Sango away tonight?"
This new question brought another bitter snort of laughter.
"What do I have to offer her, Kagome? Seriously, I've seen my grandmother since her husband's death. She's a lost woman, a broken shadow of everything that she used to be. I couldn't do that to Sango.
She's different...
she's special. She's not just a girl, she's my friend, my comrade. Someone I want by my side for all of eternity. The only thing is that just when her life is starting, mine will be ending.
I don't have an eternity to give her."
"Don't you think that you should let her decide for herself?" Kagome asked quietly, all of her previous anger gone.
"She wouldn't understand. She wouldn't understand everything that she would be giving up. I couldn't let her make that choice."
"Why not!?!" Kagome demanded, feeling her previously abating anger rise slightly, "You said that you respected her, so respect her enough to let her make her own decision.
It affects her as much as it does you, and it's not fair to take that right away from her!
Not fair at all!
Sango is smart, Miroku, she's not some childish, teenage girl who gives her heart away at the drop of a hat. She's seen all of the horrible things that life has to offer, and she knows the consequences of her actions.
This wouldn't be the first time that she's lost loved ones, and she survived then too. She's strong, Miroku. Let her choose for herself,"
"Choose to bind herself to a man that'll be dead by the time he's thirty with the only children he can give her resigned to the same fate?
Choose to watch as he slowly withered away with her heart cracking bit by bit day by day?" he asked angrily sitting up to glare at her.
Never wavering and with an air of the center of a storm, an air of impenetrable and ultimate calm, Kagome looked him straight in the eyes and said with complete conviction,
"Yes."
From then on, "Kagome" had never seemed to quite fit the young woman who had spoken with him that night.
She had held all the nobility of a lady from 500 years ago, and none of the immature naivete of a simple schoolgirl.
That was the night that in his mind she had changed from simply Kagome to Kagome-sama,
for she truly was a lady, with scores of untapped power waiting to be found...
* * * * * * End Flashback* * * * * *
Leaning back to rest her back against the side of the ottoman, Kagome took a deep breath and began her story, allowing the rush of memories to overtake her. Sesshoumaru did not move from his position on the couch, only patiently waited for the explanation to come, letting the past flow into her mind.
"Ano..When I was 15 years old, I moved from my home town to my grandfather's shrine with my mother and Souta. We were having financial problems.
That was were I first met Sango, Miroku, and your brother. I guess you had just graduated;
anyway, no one ever told me that Inuyasha had a brother, which is why I was more than a little shocked today.
I became close to Sango and Miroku fairly quickly,
but Inuyasha seemed to always try to be so closed-off." By now Kagome had a distant, unfocused gaze and he knew that she was no longer looking at him, but the figures and memories from her past.
"Slowly I became closer and closer to Inu yasha though it wasn't easy. Every time he did or said anything remotely sweet he would tack on an insult or act so rude and gruff.
I never understood why until later..
But Mama was right his actions spoke louder than his words, or maybe I just misheard them. He would always act so protective of me and think of all of these small things to do to make my life easier.
I thought that meant he cared about me and maybe he did.
Just not enough.
Before I knew it, I had fallen in love with him..
I don't know how it happened; it sort of snuck up on me. I never meant to fall in love with him; I was young and naïve, well... more naïve than I am now anyway.
I had always thought that my first love would be some sweet, mild-mannered dashing knight in shining armor. But somewhere along the way, that image had morphed into a rude, immature teenage boy, and my knight in shining armor just seemed so...well... boring.
I had always thought that I would be too smart to fall for a guy like that, but I guess I wasn't as smart as I thought..
I guess that part of me reached out for him like a drowning man to a floating lifesaver. I had felt so lost and disjointed, moving away from the town in which I had grown up and had so many memories.
Inuyasha was something safe and secure that I could hold onto, something strong I could brace myself against all the confusion I felt.
Finally, I managed to risk it all and tell him about my feelings, and surprisingly enough he admitted that he felt the same way. We were together for a year,
before everything fell apart.
A girl named Kikyou moved back into town. Apparently, she was Inuyasha's first love, but he had never told me about her. Then again, Inuyasha always did have a knack for leaving out the most important information.
She'd moved away about 5 months before I arrived, and he never really got over it. When I confronted him though, he promised me that I was the one that was in his life now and that she was only in his past. He admitted that he still loved her though, that perhaps he would always lover her, because she was his first true love, but that it was me that he wanted by his side.
About a month later, I found them kissing in the park, and finally figured out that it had been a horrible lie, and that what a fool I'd been," she said with no small amount of betrayal, hurt, and bitterness laced in her oddly meek voice.
"On hindsight, I suppose I should have known. I really have no right to be as surprised as I was.
He had never really been all there for me. Even when we were laughing and just being happy with each other, part of him was always missing, not quite there.
And he had never told me that he loved me, even when I had told him. I had written it off as his inability to unlock his emotions. In a way, I'm sort of glad, at least I know he didn't lie about that.
I know that he did care for me, but he did not love me, not the way he loved her.
When we had first met, he had mistaken me for her, and even now I know, perhaps stupidly, that eventually he saw me for myself. It's just that myself wasn't enough.
I guess that when you're in love, you learn to ignore a lot of things.
He was my first love and I have poured everything I had into him. So when he left, I just felt so rejected and shattered.
My mother found out and saw what had happened to me, and she was furious. She's always been so overprotective of me and Souta, wanting us to be happy more than anything else, wanting to make up for the loss of one parent by doubling her efforts to being the perfect mother.
She sent me away to a boarding school for my senior year of high school, so I could try to leave my past behind and heal a little bit before I had to face everything again. And I was glad for the chance.
And I hadn't seen him since, until today that is." Kagome finished with a sigh, drawing up her legs from underneath her, and curling in on herself wrapping her arms around her legs.
Resting her chin on her knees, Kagome watched to see Sesshoumaru's reaction to her story, which not to her surprise was outwardly small.
But over the years she had learned enough of his mannerisms to know that he was surprised. His usually heavily lidded golden eyes were slightly less so, and brow was mildly creased, though not enough so that anyone else would have noticed.
What surprised her the most was the ease with which the story flew from her lips in Sesshoumaru's presence.
Not even Sango and Miroku had heard the whole story of what had happened; they only knew that Inuyasha had done something stupid to break her hear and drive her away.
But with Sesshoumaru she felt comfortable, relaxed, and more secure than she did anywhere else. After telling him her story, she felt a sort of weight lift off of her, and the familiar pain dimmed further than even time had soothed it until it was merely an ache from a past long ended.
The memory of the betrayal and broken heart and spirit still hurt, but her heart had mended along with her spirit and the betrayal no longer seemed so important.
'When did this happen?' Kagome thought to herself as she continued her self- evaluation.
'And why does being with Sesshoumaru ease the pain and stress from all the bad things in the world, when even my other friends and family couldn't help me with those?'
To distract herself from the disturbing and confusing thoughts, she quickly asked Sesshoumaru something that had been plaguing her mind since that morning.
"Sesshou, why didn't you ever mention your brother? Actually I don't remember you ever talking about your family." she blurted out in a rush, internally wincing at the harsh thoughtlessness and insensitivity of her words.
'Great job, Kagome, you baka. You know Sesshoumaru doesn't like to talk about his family. You just got him to relax and told him something so important. And now you've gone and ruined it all.'
~_~_~_~
Sesshoumaru gazed at the girl that sat before him staring into his eyes, but not really seeing him, lost in her own memories.
She trusts me, he thought in slight awe,
she trusts me enough to tell me all of this and be completely comfortable about it.
For someone, like Sesshoumaru, who didn't exactly inspire trust in others, this was stunning, and actually made him happy.
He had seemed to always invoke the 'run and hide' reflex rather than 'trust and confide' one in others. Strangely enough, he had never found it so...
disturbing or even lonely...until now.
This had resulted in a reserved young man, who was not accustomed to anybody confiding in him such personal and obviously traumatic stories.
Everybody had always seemed to expect him use any information they gave him against them, and while not a completely false assumption, who could blame him if he felt the same towards everybody.
Everybody that is but Kagome...
Distracted from his thoughts by Kagome's swift, if tactless, change of subject, he refocused his wandering attention on her and noticed the slightly anxious tension that seemed to carve every line of her body as she intently studied his face for his reaction to her thoughtless question.
But that was what made her special, he thought with resignation, the question really had been thoughtless with no hidden objectives or double entendres. And he knew it.
She had just bared to him a painful piece of her past. One that she had kept hidden away even from her closest friends. And he had to show her that it meant something to him, to repay her..
for her innocent trust if nothing else.
With that in mind his eyes fluttered closed as he prepared to divulge his past in a way that was completely new to the reserved boy.. (A/N:: hmm, should I end here, after all it is pretty long. ::sees menacingly sharp pitchforks and torches in the distance:: umm.. maybe not..)
He saw her watch him with curiosity as he gracefully slid off of the couch to sit on the floor Indian-style with his back leaning against the side of the couch and eyes fixated on hers. After setting in, he started his story,
"My family and I do not exactly get along. We have not for many, many years," he started, unsure of how to begin, which was defiantly unusual for him. Noticing his insecurity, Kagome gave him what she hoped was an encouraging smile and waited for him to continue, not wanting to push him.
"My mother and I were very close. For five years my childhood was almost idealistic..
One night, I overheard an argument between my mother and father. At the time I hadn't understood what had happened, only that my father had said something to upset her. She stormed out of the house, obviously distraught,
and I let her go...
I had thought she needed time alone to get her emotions out, so I simply let her leave and waited patiently for her return, hoping that everything would work out in the end as it always did.
But she came back..
It had been a stormy night, and the between the rain and her emotions she was not a fit driver. She never even saw the oncoming car until it was too late.
My father, then, desecrated her memory, by marrying his secretary soon after her funeral. She brought a one-year old son into the family, but I never accepted either one of them.
It wasn't until years afterward that I discover that my mother had been so upset because my father had been sleeping with his secretary for over a year, and that the son that she had dragged into their miserable union was actually my half brother. I have never quite gotten along with my family after that. My father knows that I do not approve of his actions and so does the wench and her brat, " he finished with bitterness and faint traces of old, familiar anger.
Though, Sesshoumaru had not said everything, Kagome could easily see the untold story evident lay hidden between the lines and written in the flickers of emotion that skittered across his face as he confessed his past to her.
So he too had been innocent once, she thought with sadness.
He too had trusted someone beyond everything else, and been betrayed, in some way.
If the pain and old love in his eyes was any indication, he had cared for his mother a great deal, and had been deeply hurt when she never returned to him.
Maybe that's why he cut himself off so much after that. He didn't want to be hurt again. He didn't want to love and lose again, or be hurt by love like his mother.
'But.
oh, Sesshou don't you see.
At least she loved once. Even if she had her heart broken in the end, she did love. She wouldn't have wanted the son she loved so much never to fall in love, even if it did mean that he was hurt in the end. I wouldn't have given up my past with Inuyasha even if it did mean that I wouldn't have been hurt, because at least in the end I had loved.. even if only for a little while and even if I hadn't been loved in return.'
And even his father hurt him. He betrayed Sesshoumaru, in so many ways. Sakura and Inuyasha couldn't have helped.
No wonder such a wounded little boy had grown up to be such a cold young man. He was so injured by the world, when he was so young. I finally feel like I understand him, at least more than I ever have before, and maybe more than anyone has or can understand Sesshoumaru..
With a smile she scooted around the coffee table until she sat beside Sesshoumaru. Resting her head on his shoulders, she felt him stiffen and then relax against the couch, as he placed one arm loosely around her small frame. Like it often was between them, no words were needed....
(^.^)(^.^)
A/N:: so how was that? IF you guys like it review!
OMG OMG OMG!!!
READ THIS!!! IF YOU NEVER READ THE A/N READ THIS ONE!
By some miracle I actually got nominated for Single Spark's annual Fanfiction Contest in the Best Drama/Angst category. While I've read the other fics that I'm up against, and kno that I won't win, because they're just amazing.
I would like to have some votes, so PLEASE PLEASE vote for my fic. As desperate as it sounds, I've always been a big fan of this website, and would like to at least not completely embarrass myself.
The website is http:// members.
You have to retype it without the spaces. I just put those there so that the ff.net filters wouldn't suck it out. Thnx for voting it you do!
I'll try to be quicker with the next update.
I LOVE MY REVIEWERS SOOO MUCH! Your're the reason I got off my but and updated! I CANT BELIEVE I PASSED 200! I was gonna respond to reviews, but its now 4-06 in the morning and I have to be up in about 5 hrs, so I figured u'd rather have the update today!
Besides I made a promise to a faithful reader.
SO on with the show.
Finally Understanding.
Sesshoumaru scanned the room with critical eyes, and gave a mental sigh of relief as he FINALLY found everything up to his critical standards. He felt exhausted, though the results were well worth it.
Elegant black lamps that were expertly situated throughout the living room filling it with a warm glow. A larger light fixture was screwed into the ceiling, but created far too much light for Sesshoumaru's current mood, and would no doubt only aggravate his migraine.
The new crisp milk colored walls accentuated the delicate chestnut moldings that had been hidden by the garish bubble gum pink paint. This apartment had definitely been a good investment, and completely undeserving of the ditz of a girl it had previously belonged to.
His eyes wandered over to the entranceway that led from the living room to the dining room, which was a more of a door-less wide arch than a definite barrier between the two rooms. The dining room itself was only slightly smaller than the living room, and now furnished with a thin, elegant black marble table that seemed to fit well with the décor of the apartment, as well as the personality of the inhabitant.
The entire apartment was decorated with an interesting mix of black as white as its theme, and seemed to contain a delicate balance of wood, metal, and rich fabrics. The unique clash brought together with the occasional splashes of a deep brick red exhibited an interesting balance between ancient and modern with an unusual elegance that was purely Sesshoumaru.
Finally finished surveying his new home, Sesshoumaru gracefully plopped down the couch, resting his head against the finely upholstered arm and allowing his hair to swing down the end of the couch in a shimmering silver river that seemed to catch the light and make it its own (A/n:: aka glow) as it brushed the thick rug laying on the floor.
Just as he felt his heavy eyelids start to drift close, he heard the distinct ring of his door bell, and with a barely contained groan pulled himself to his feet and swept towards the door determined the strangle whichever foolish mortal had dare disturb him. A sentiment that flew out the window as soon as he saw the sight that met his tired eyes and brought a small smile to his lips.
Kagome was beaming up at him with numerous paper and plastic bags barely clutched in her small hands, looking for all the world as if she had just defeated an army of menacing youkai or evil college professors (take your pick) single-handedly.
"I brought dinner," she cheerfully chirped, somehow managing to lift his gloomy mood and raise his previously depleted energy supply with that simple, innocent sentence.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~
Raising one eloquent black eyebrow and curiously eyeing the large number of bags that she had actually managed to fit through the door, Sesshoumaru casually remarked, "You do know that it would be humanly impossible to eat that much food, don't you? You have enough to feed a small starving nation and still have enough left over to kill a zoo full of ravenous Siberian tigers."
Used to his sarcastic remarks, and actually enjoying them, Kagome took the comment in stride and proceeded to unpack several of the bags.
"Not all of the bags are food, besides do you think that I would dare insult the majesty of the great Sesshoumaru-sama by offering him Wacdonalds? I stopped by the Miko no Shikon (A/N:: yes I kno extremely tacky, but I wanted to stick that in somewhere, I think it means priestess of the four souls or something like that but I'm not a natural speaker or even a speaker so feel free to tell me I'm a moron and actually said like a toilet bowl duck or something) restaurant and picked some food up. You know how over enthusiastic they get there get with your food. I swear over half of the staff there has a crush on you," she said pausing with a slight, jealous frown marring her normally jovial face and remembering the not exactly subtle hints, questions, messages, and phone numbers she had been loaded down with before leaving. None of which would be told to Sesshoumaru of course.
When Sesshoumaru had first arrived in Tokyo his freshman year of college, he had been in desperate need of funds. While he compromised and allowed his father to pay for his tuition, his own pride would not allow him to accept more from the man, and still needed to pay for necessities such as food and books.
These dire straits had actually led him to lower himself to work as a waiter and then a host in a high-class restaurant named the Miko no Shikon, which happened to owned by four middle-aged women and have an almost entirely female staff.
Personally, Kagome believed that the only reason the haughty young man had managed to land the job, make it and keep it for so long was that the entire staff along with the owners with half in love with the gorgeous boy.
"Anyway, on the way back from the restaurant, I saw a flea market and couldn't help myself, so I bought a few...
dozen..
things to make the place a bit more homey. Don't give me that look, its nothing expensive. You know very well that I'm too broke to afford anything like that. And its nothing fuzzy, girly, or leopard-print either! Promise."
While she was talking, she had managed to dig up the dishes that his step- mother had brought and set the cold, marble table for two, creating a much more friendly and vibrant atmosphere in the previously almost impeccably lonely apartment.
Sesshoumaru swore he could almost feel the air in the apartment come alive and brighten, as Kagome continued to contently chatter about the various items she had found at the flea market. Somehow it seemed she had managed to actually warm the apartment by several degrees by her mere presence and chase away all of his previous lassitude.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~
The dishes were now stacked in the kitchen, and the remains of their grand, take-out dinner stored in the refrigerator. The atmosphere was relaxed as if in the calm aftermath of a storm. The kind of relaxed contentment that made all of the hell leading up to that one moment seem more than worth it.
Kagome was kneeling on the ground in front of an ottoman with Sesshoumaru sprawled, once again on the couch facing her with his head delicately rested on his curled fist and was propped up by his bent arm. He gazed with interest at the girl, who was now ruffling through one of the many bags placed onto and around the coffee table, which separated the two, situated in the center of the living room.
".. And I thought that these picture frames could go somewhere. I noticed that you didn't have many pictures up in your old apartment, and so I got some for you.
Hmmm.. I think that's it." she said finally emptying out the last of the various items from the various bags. There were now a large amount of nick knacks spread out across the table and the surrounding floor.
The entire time Sesshoumaru had listened to her little explanations on the objects that she had brought, occasionally interjecting a sarcastic comment. Both were completely content to simply be in each other's company.
"Thank you," Sesshoumaru said, looking her straight in the eyes with no sarcasm in his voice, merely a sincere seriousness and an intense gaze that sent shivers down her spine.
While he knew that he should be accustomed to such behavior from her by now, it still touched something inside of him, (A/N:: ugh cliché) because he knew that unlike so many others she acted without any other motivations than to help him. She had cared enough to do this, she had cared enough about him. She had noticed the lack of warmth in his home and sought to change it herself.
And most interestingly of all, he trusted her enough to belief that she did not want anything in return.
"Kagome, what happened today? What about my miserable excuse for a brother upset you so much that you reacted that way? And do not lie to me and say that it was nothing. It is an insult to my intelligence," he said with typical arrogance back in full force as if to almost compensate for the tenderness in his first words.
"I know you far too well for that. How do you know each other?" he finished his voice now tender, almost as if to soothe whatever sting was left from his curt remark and question, making it impossible for Kagome to be angry. He was an enigma wrapped in a conundrum..
(A/N:: I don't remember where I heard that b4 but I kno I got it from somewhere, brownies to anyone who can tell me so I can give proper kudos)
Kagome felt the now familiar feeling of golden heat piercing through every shield she attempted to throw up as the wave of memories crashed down upon her, beating her scarred heart once more.
Unable to look away from the steady gaze that had managed to become even more divine from the mere intensity of his focus, now the pale shade of firelight glinting off gold instead of its usual deep amber.
Sesshoumaru might be able to hide all of his emotions and even his rare smile behind his emotionless masks, but his eyes had always shone with his heart's true workings, like a lighthouse on a chaotic stormy night. The only beacon of hope in a desolately chaotic, cold sea of death and darkness.
He might be able to force cold apathy into them even when he did not feel it to mask whatever other emotions he was feeling, but they would always flicker just under the surface like colorful koi caught beneath the frozen surface of a garden pond.
Inuyasha was the same way, his eyes gave away his every emotion and thought. It was one of the few things they had in common, Kagome noticed. Though when she had started to compare the two in her mind she would never know. Maybe to remind herself that they were truly in fact nothing alike..
But while Inuyasha's eye shone one simple emotion or thought at the time easy to read and precious in its earnest simplicity, Sesshoumaru's burned with an intense complexity that was impossible to decipher. With him things were never so simple, every emotion and thought that flickered under the surface of his eyes, hidden by that ever present icy aloofness, was entwined with a dozen others, making it impossible to even try to understand.
However, Kagome seriously doubted that many people knew that about the frigid young man with lazily hooded beautiful eyes that made him appear constantly bored and hid the shadows of his true self that flitted beneath the ice in them. When he wished, his gaze could radiate a presence all of its own so imposing that it thickened the air and commended respect and obedience. Kagome swore that in a past life he must have been a lord of some sort, and knowing him probably a cuttingly tight-reigned one as well.
She fought down the rising urge to squirm and blush like a schoolgirl under the weight that unswerving gaze. She might not be as able to hide her emotions as well as her cool-headed friend, but that didn't mean she had to embarrass herself by reacting like a silly little girl. She was 19 years old for kami's sake! Momentarily distracted from the momentous question as she felt her mutinous cheeks warm with a telltale flush, she managed to finally wrench her gaze away.
Noticing her distraction, Sesshoumaru repeated his question with a more demanding tone to his voice.
"Kagome, tell me, what past do you have with my brother?"
Snapped back to reality with a cruel jolt, all of the events that had led to her heartbreak came flooding back with the vengeful force of one that would no longer be ignored.
However, surprisingly enough, it no longer hurt as much...
The mind-shattering pain of having her entire soul exposed to the world and ripped to shreds was gone. She was finally ready to really talk about it.
To tell someone everything,
more specifically to tell him..
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_
A few stray damp locks of hair that had managed to escape from her high ponytail joined her bangs in managing to cling to her sweaty face as she bid her students good-bye for the day.
Watching the long line of exhausted students limping out of the room, Miroku smirked from his languid position leaning against the wall of one of the dojo's many practice rooms.
"At least I know that I'm not the only one that willingly suffers from the hands of such a beautiful battle goddess," he commented.
Sango rolled her eyes, even as her cheeks glowed with a blush that she would claim to her dying days was from exertion.
"Well, I warned them when they signed up for this class that it was challenging," she stubbornly maintained in her defense.
"Challenging yes, back-breakingly cruel no," Miroku smoothly replied as he handed his girlfriend a small towel.
"I'm not that tough on them," retorted Sango as she thankfully wiped her face with the towel.
"Besides the ones that couldn't take it left already," she said, remembering the curious way about three-fourths of her male students had suddenly dropped the class about three months into it. Coincidentally, that was the same time Miroku started to sit in during her classes and act ridiculously affectionate and possessive even for him..
Miroku watched as Sango threw the towel over her shoulder and pushed her heavy bangs out of her eyes.
The sweat from her recent workout caused her arms to glisten slightly as she raised them above her head and slightly arched her back in a stretch. Miroku's amethyst gaze was fixated on the way the thin material of her practice outfit slid over her strong, lithe muscles and generous curves.
And inevitably, his mind began to wander to other situations in which she would arch her back that way..
Distracted from his lecherous musings as Sango dropped her arms and prepared to leave the room, he quickly fell into step next to her.
Placing a strong arm around her waist, he pulled her close and leaned down to give her a chaste kiss on the lips, only to have his mischievous hand slowly slip downwards..
Sango smiled at her love's tender actions filling her deep brown eyes with warmth. Suddenly feeling Miroku's hand start to voyage south, sparks of fight began to flicker in her eyes. Sparks, which the carefully watching Miroku knew would continue light her eyes until they were twin fires of fury filled with the promise of much pain for the unwitting boyfriend if he did not stop.
Admiring the swift change in her eyes from calming warmth to a dangerous fierceness, Miroku heard the beginning of a deep growl.
"Miroku move that hand back to were it belongs or I will make sure that children will not even be POSSIBLE for you."
With his patented I'm-too-innocent-for-anything-like-that look, Miroku smiled sweetly as his hand made a quick retreat, settling for making soothing circles on the small of her back, as he watched her eyes soften once again, the sparks retreating into a candle-like warmth that never failed to draw him in.
'Kami-sama, I love her,' he thought with a sigh as she leaned her head on his chest. 'And to think I was almost stupid enough to lose her...'
* * * * * * * *Flashback * * * * * * * *
A teenage boy with his usually jovial eyes tired sat on the massive steps of the high school with his head in his hands.
A slight girl in a green school uniform sat down next to him, and looked upon him with first angry then compassionate eyes, as took in his state.
"What happened?" Miroku asked with his head still bent, unable to look her in the eyes, his voice strained and sorrowful.
"You mean after you made out with that random freshman-what was her name? Kohaku?- and then groped Sango in front of the entire school?
Well, aside from the whole crying and slapping you, not to mention telling you that she hated you and to I quote 'never ever, come near me again you lecherous bastard' she got a ride home with Inu yasha and me. We just dropped her off.
How could you have done that, Miroku?
This was supposed to be YOUR first date, as in you and Sango, and the LAST chance you would ever have with her. You know how much it took for her to open up to you like that and go. How could you expect her to forgive you after this? Unless you don't want her too.."
Kagome peered at him, imploringly searching for the answer that she was sure she could find if she could just look deep enough.
Suddenly Miroku surprised Kagome by throwing his head back and giving a sharp bark of bitter laughter.
"Well, you know me, Kagome. I'm just your neighborhood lecher. I couldn't help myself."
She didn't think that she had ever heard so much bitterness and regretful resignation in his voice.
Staring at his hunched form, Kagome again noticed the stark difference between the depressed form in front of her and the normally, constantly upbeat boy that teasingly groped her best friend and always seemed to have a joking, gibe response to everything.
'He looks so defeated' she thought with sadness. That was what had first stopped her from smacking the young man hard for hurting her friend. The exhaustion and misery that was etched into every line of his body, and the distinct difference it was from the young man he normally was. It was as if he lacked the energy to even fake a decent carefree mask, or maybe he just didn't care anymore..
And there was only one reason she could think of for that, which caused her anger to rush back in full force and all of her compassion to be temporarily pushed onto a back burner.
"Liar!" she hissed with enough force to shock him into looking her in the eyes, finally giving her a perfect view of his downtrodden gaze and the exhausted shadows that seemed to be permanently seeped into his eyes.
But that did not stop her tirade, once her temper was set off it ran its course, especially in situations like this when something so important was at stake.
"That's not true and you know it!
I've seen you with other girls, Miroku, and some of them practically offer to give you a lap dance when you bat an eyelid.
As much as I hate to admit it, you're charming, sweet, and attractive. You could have at least a dozen other girls in the school, and yet you remain single.
And don't give me any of that not-wanting-to-get-tied-down-because-there- are-so-many-beautiful-girls-and-so-much-Miroku-to-go-around garbage, because I know you well enough to know that that isn't true.
There's a reason you ask girls to 'bear your child' and not just sleep with you. You want a relationship, someone to spend time with and be your companion, as well as your lover.
If you were looking for simple sex, you could have it from a thousand other sources, but you insist on going after the one girl that wouldn't.
And if you tried even a quarter of the genuine charm that you use on those sluts on Sango she would be melting. And I don't mean that 'give one overly flowery compliment and couple it with a quick grope either'.
So why, Miroku, why?"
Miroku felt the barefaced honesty of those eyes and the earnest imploring tone of that voice slowly pull the truth from him, and for once he could care less.
He just felt so tired, and sick of it all. Even he was entitled to give-in a little bit, and after everything that he had just given up...
he didn't feel like fighting anymore, not tonight.
"I'm dying," he finally muttering looking away from the completely shocked expression he knew was gracing the face that had only seconds before been so filled with justified fury.
"What. How..?" she finally managed to gasp out, in a voice barely above a whisper, her eyes still round with shock.
Miroku sighed deeply and lay down to rest his head against the cold stone of the steps until he was lying completely across one of the many large steps. Closing his eyes to the stars that seemed to shine brightly and cheerfully in the peaceful night sky, he said, "It's a looong story."
Settling in after finally regaining her composure, Kagome replied, "I'm listening."
"My grandfather used to work for this corporation called 'Naraku no Onigumo'. Huh, I guess it's never really a smart thing to work for a company that's name is 'hell spider'.
Somehow or another, nobody really knows how anymore, the company hushed it up,--amazing what money can do-my grandfather was exposed to some very dangerous, very experimental chemicals.
At the time he was a fairly young man, and the company claimed that there would be no negative side effects, so he settled down, got married, and had a son,
my father.
When my father was about three years old, my grandfather started to become sick.
It turns out that the chemicals had somehow altered his genetic makeup, so now he was dying from cancer. It slowly ate away at him from the inside out, for a looong time,
and my father and grandmother had to live with that.
They had to watch as one of the most important people in their lives slowly died from something they couldn't help fight against.
He was only thirty years old when he finally passed away.
They weren't sure at the time if the gene was passed onto my father, but it soon became evident that he wouldn't live to ripe old age either.
My mother had died in childbirth so he was all that I had left, and he sent me away when he knew that his time was coming close. He didn't want me to see him that way, all broken and dying. He didn't want my last memory of him to be the same one he had of his father.
He died at thirty-one.
In all those years, there's still no cure.
Our family tried to sue to company, but the most we could get them to do was develop a test for the genetic mutation that led to the cancer.
But that test can't be taken until the body has fully grown and reached its prime, which basically means that I can't know for sure whether or not I'm going to die until about 5 years before I actually do.
But everything considering, chances are I'm going to die."
Kagome sat in stunned silence, absorbing the information that she had just been given.
"Oh, Miroku," she said sadly, "Why didn't you tell anyone? Why did you keep all this to yourself for so long?"
"I don't need the pity of other's, Kagome."
Kagome sadly gazed down upon the boy lying beside her, and felt the sudden urge to protect him from all the troubles that the world had unfairly weighed down upon his shoulders. But then again, the world was never fair was it...
She was amazed at how he could joke and clown around all the time with them, and act completely normal while he held this enormous, crushing secret in his heart.
'He must have a very strong spirit.
And he must be used to taking care of everything himself...
to not being able to trust anyone to take care of anything for him..'
"What does that have to do with why you drove Sango away tonight?"
This new question brought another bitter snort of laughter.
"What do I have to offer her, Kagome? Seriously, I've seen my grandmother since her husband's death. She's a lost woman, a broken shadow of everything that she used to be. I couldn't do that to Sango.
She's different...
she's special. She's not just a girl, she's my friend, my comrade. Someone I want by my side for all of eternity. The only thing is that just when her life is starting, mine will be ending.
I don't have an eternity to give her."
"Don't you think that you should let her decide for herself?" Kagome asked quietly, all of her previous anger gone.
"She wouldn't understand. She wouldn't understand everything that she would be giving up. I couldn't let her make that choice."
"Why not!?!" Kagome demanded, feeling her previously abating anger rise slightly, "You said that you respected her, so respect her enough to let her make her own decision.
It affects her as much as it does you, and it's not fair to take that right away from her!
Not fair at all!
Sango is smart, Miroku, she's not some childish, teenage girl who gives her heart away at the drop of a hat. She's seen all of the horrible things that life has to offer, and she knows the consequences of her actions.
This wouldn't be the first time that she's lost loved ones, and she survived then too. She's strong, Miroku. Let her choose for herself,"
"Choose to bind herself to a man that'll be dead by the time he's thirty with the only children he can give her resigned to the same fate?
Choose to watch as he slowly withered away with her heart cracking bit by bit day by day?" he asked angrily sitting up to glare at her.
Never wavering and with an air of the center of a storm, an air of impenetrable and ultimate calm, Kagome looked him straight in the eyes and said with complete conviction,
"Yes."
From then on, "Kagome" had never seemed to quite fit the young woman who had spoken with him that night.
She had held all the nobility of a lady from 500 years ago, and none of the immature naivete of a simple schoolgirl.
That was the night that in his mind she had changed from simply Kagome to Kagome-sama,
for she truly was a lady, with scores of untapped power waiting to be found...
* * * * * * End Flashback* * * * * *
Leaning back to rest her back against the side of the ottoman, Kagome took a deep breath and began her story, allowing the rush of memories to overtake her. Sesshoumaru did not move from his position on the couch, only patiently waited for the explanation to come, letting the past flow into her mind.
"Ano..When I was 15 years old, I moved from my home town to my grandfather's shrine with my mother and Souta. We were having financial problems.
That was were I first met Sango, Miroku, and your brother. I guess you had just graduated;
anyway, no one ever told me that Inuyasha had a brother, which is why I was more than a little shocked today.
I became close to Sango and Miroku fairly quickly,
but Inuyasha seemed to always try to be so closed-off." By now Kagome had a distant, unfocused gaze and he knew that she was no longer looking at him, but the figures and memories from her past.
"Slowly I became closer and closer to Inu yasha though it wasn't easy. Every time he did or said anything remotely sweet he would tack on an insult or act so rude and gruff.
I never understood why until later..
But Mama was right his actions spoke louder than his words, or maybe I just misheard them. He would always act so protective of me and think of all of these small things to do to make my life easier.
I thought that meant he cared about me and maybe he did.
Just not enough.
Before I knew it, I had fallen in love with him..
I don't know how it happened; it sort of snuck up on me. I never meant to fall in love with him; I was young and naïve, well... more naïve than I am now anyway.
I had always thought that my first love would be some sweet, mild-mannered dashing knight in shining armor. But somewhere along the way, that image had morphed into a rude, immature teenage boy, and my knight in shining armor just seemed so...well... boring.
I had always thought that I would be too smart to fall for a guy like that, but I guess I wasn't as smart as I thought..
I guess that part of me reached out for him like a drowning man to a floating lifesaver. I had felt so lost and disjointed, moving away from the town in which I had grown up and had so many memories.
Inuyasha was something safe and secure that I could hold onto, something strong I could brace myself against all the confusion I felt.
Finally, I managed to risk it all and tell him about my feelings, and surprisingly enough he admitted that he felt the same way. We were together for a year,
before everything fell apart.
A girl named Kikyou moved back into town. Apparently, she was Inuyasha's first love, but he had never told me about her. Then again, Inuyasha always did have a knack for leaving out the most important information.
She'd moved away about 5 months before I arrived, and he never really got over it. When I confronted him though, he promised me that I was the one that was in his life now and that she was only in his past. He admitted that he still loved her though, that perhaps he would always lover her, because she was his first true love, but that it was me that he wanted by his side.
About a month later, I found them kissing in the park, and finally figured out that it had been a horrible lie, and that what a fool I'd been," she said with no small amount of betrayal, hurt, and bitterness laced in her oddly meek voice.
"On hindsight, I suppose I should have known. I really have no right to be as surprised as I was.
He had never really been all there for me. Even when we were laughing and just being happy with each other, part of him was always missing, not quite there.
And he had never told me that he loved me, even when I had told him. I had written it off as his inability to unlock his emotions. In a way, I'm sort of glad, at least I know he didn't lie about that.
I know that he did care for me, but he did not love me, not the way he loved her.
When we had first met, he had mistaken me for her, and even now I know, perhaps stupidly, that eventually he saw me for myself. It's just that myself wasn't enough.
I guess that when you're in love, you learn to ignore a lot of things.
He was my first love and I have poured everything I had into him. So when he left, I just felt so rejected and shattered.
My mother found out and saw what had happened to me, and she was furious. She's always been so overprotective of me and Souta, wanting us to be happy more than anything else, wanting to make up for the loss of one parent by doubling her efforts to being the perfect mother.
She sent me away to a boarding school for my senior year of high school, so I could try to leave my past behind and heal a little bit before I had to face everything again. And I was glad for the chance.
And I hadn't seen him since, until today that is." Kagome finished with a sigh, drawing up her legs from underneath her, and curling in on herself wrapping her arms around her legs.
Resting her chin on her knees, Kagome watched to see Sesshoumaru's reaction to her story, which not to her surprise was outwardly small.
But over the years she had learned enough of his mannerisms to know that he was surprised. His usually heavily lidded golden eyes were slightly less so, and brow was mildly creased, though not enough so that anyone else would have noticed.
What surprised her the most was the ease with which the story flew from her lips in Sesshoumaru's presence.
Not even Sango and Miroku had heard the whole story of what had happened; they only knew that Inuyasha had done something stupid to break her hear and drive her away.
But with Sesshoumaru she felt comfortable, relaxed, and more secure than she did anywhere else. After telling him her story, she felt a sort of weight lift off of her, and the familiar pain dimmed further than even time had soothed it until it was merely an ache from a past long ended.
The memory of the betrayal and broken heart and spirit still hurt, but her heart had mended along with her spirit and the betrayal no longer seemed so important.
'When did this happen?' Kagome thought to herself as she continued her self- evaluation.
'And why does being with Sesshoumaru ease the pain and stress from all the bad things in the world, when even my other friends and family couldn't help me with those?'
To distract herself from the disturbing and confusing thoughts, she quickly asked Sesshoumaru something that had been plaguing her mind since that morning.
"Sesshou, why didn't you ever mention your brother? Actually I don't remember you ever talking about your family." she blurted out in a rush, internally wincing at the harsh thoughtlessness and insensitivity of her words.
'Great job, Kagome, you baka. You know Sesshoumaru doesn't like to talk about his family. You just got him to relax and told him something so important. And now you've gone and ruined it all.'
~_~_~_~
Sesshoumaru gazed at the girl that sat before him staring into his eyes, but not really seeing him, lost in her own memories.
She trusts me, he thought in slight awe,
she trusts me enough to tell me all of this and be completely comfortable about it.
For someone, like Sesshoumaru, who didn't exactly inspire trust in others, this was stunning, and actually made him happy.
He had seemed to always invoke the 'run and hide' reflex rather than 'trust and confide' one in others. Strangely enough, he had never found it so...
disturbing or even lonely...until now.
This had resulted in a reserved young man, who was not accustomed to anybody confiding in him such personal and obviously traumatic stories.
Everybody had always seemed to expect him use any information they gave him against them, and while not a completely false assumption, who could blame him if he felt the same towards everybody.
Everybody that is but Kagome...
Distracted from his thoughts by Kagome's swift, if tactless, change of subject, he refocused his wandering attention on her and noticed the slightly anxious tension that seemed to carve every line of her body as she intently studied his face for his reaction to her thoughtless question.
But that was what made her special, he thought with resignation, the question really had been thoughtless with no hidden objectives or double entendres. And he knew it.
She had just bared to him a painful piece of her past. One that she had kept hidden away even from her closest friends. And he had to show her that it meant something to him, to repay her..
for her innocent trust if nothing else.
With that in mind his eyes fluttered closed as he prepared to divulge his past in a way that was completely new to the reserved boy.. (A/N:: hmm, should I end here, after all it is pretty long. ::sees menacingly sharp pitchforks and torches in the distance:: umm.. maybe not..)
He saw her watch him with curiosity as he gracefully slid off of the couch to sit on the floor Indian-style with his back leaning against the side of the couch and eyes fixated on hers. After setting in, he started his story,
"My family and I do not exactly get along. We have not for many, many years," he started, unsure of how to begin, which was defiantly unusual for him. Noticing his insecurity, Kagome gave him what she hoped was an encouraging smile and waited for him to continue, not wanting to push him.
"My mother and I were very close. For five years my childhood was almost idealistic..
One night, I overheard an argument between my mother and father. At the time I hadn't understood what had happened, only that my father had said something to upset her. She stormed out of the house, obviously distraught,
and I let her go...
I had thought she needed time alone to get her emotions out, so I simply let her leave and waited patiently for her return, hoping that everything would work out in the end as it always did.
But she came back..
It had been a stormy night, and the between the rain and her emotions she was not a fit driver. She never even saw the oncoming car until it was too late.
My father, then, desecrated her memory, by marrying his secretary soon after her funeral. She brought a one-year old son into the family, but I never accepted either one of them.
It wasn't until years afterward that I discover that my mother had been so upset because my father had been sleeping with his secretary for over a year, and that the son that she had dragged into their miserable union was actually my half brother. I have never quite gotten along with my family after that. My father knows that I do not approve of his actions and so does the wench and her brat, " he finished with bitterness and faint traces of old, familiar anger.
Though, Sesshoumaru had not said everything, Kagome could easily see the untold story evident lay hidden between the lines and written in the flickers of emotion that skittered across his face as he confessed his past to her.
So he too had been innocent once, she thought with sadness.
He too had trusted someone beyond everything else, and been betrayed, in some way.
If the pain and old love in his eyes was any indication, he had cared for his mother a great deal, and had been deeply hurt when she never returned to him.
Maybe that's why he cut himself off so much after that. He didn't want to be hurt again. He didn't want to love and lose again, or be hurt by love like his mother.
'But.
oh, Sesshou don't you see.
At least she loved once. Even if she had her heart broken in the end, she did love. She wouldn't have wanted the son she loved so much never to fall in love, even if it did mean that he was hurt in the end. I wouldn't have given up my past with Inuyasha even if it did mean that I wouldn't have been hurt, because at least in the end I had loved.. even if only for a little while and even if I hadn't been loved in return.'
And even his father hurt him. He betrayed Sesshoumaru, in so many ways. Sakura and Inuyasha couldn't have helped.
No wonder such a wounded little boy had grown up to be such a cold young man. He was so injured by the world, when he was so young. I finally feel like I understand him, at least more than I ever have before, and maybe more than anyone has or can understand Sesshoumaru..
With a smile she scooted around the coffee table until she sat beside Sesshoumaru. Resting her head on his shoulders, she felt him stiffen and then relax against the couch, as he placed one arm loosely around her small frame. Like it often was between them, no words were needed....
(^.^)(^.^)
A/N:: so how was that? IF you guys like it review!
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READ THIS!!! IF YOU NEVER READ THE A/N READ THIS ONE!
By some miracle I actually got nominated for Single Spark's annual Fanfiction Contest in the Best Drama/Angst category. While I've read the other fics that I'm up against, and kno that I won't win, because they're just amazing.
I would like to have some votes, so PLEASE PLEASE vote for my fic. As desperate as it sounds, I've always been a big fan of this website, and would like to at least not completely embarrass myself.
The website is http:// members.
You have to retype it without the spaces. I just put those there so that the ff.net filters wouldn't suck it out. Thnx for voting it you do!
I'll try to be quicker with the next update.