Lockhart: the man, the myth and the motions
Oprah:Welcome to today's show, and we have a very special guest lined up for today-none other than Gilderoy Lockhart, destroyer of all evil and five times winner of the witch weekly's most charming smile award! Hello, Gilderoy, how are you today?
Lockhart:*laughs*Well I'm better now I'm here on your show today, Oprah!I hear you're a huge fan of mine?
Oprah:Yeh, sure-*laughs*So tell me Gilderoy, what have you been up to lately?
Lockhart: Well, I've just recently had my memory restored. As you know, Harry Potter and his sidekick, Ronald Weasly made a great attempt on my life *injured sniff*. When I was down in the chamber of secrets, boldly risking my own life to save the little girl, Potter and his little friend decided that they were jealous of all my achievements. They then put a memory hex on me-I-I was caught of my guard, and, well, their charm worked, they got what they wanted, didn't they?
Oprah:No.That's just awful, Gilderoy. Now we have today, another guest star to help us shine the life on Harry Potter-ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Professor Snape!
Lockhart: Wait on, I thought this show was about me!
*Enter Snape, loud booing*
Oprah:Severus, welcome
Snape:*snarl* You can't do this! You cant force me to stay here!Avada-
Oprah:Umm-security?Please assist Serverus in sitting down *offstage*Take away his wand!
Oprah:Serverus, please tell us about Harry Potter. Is he as perhaps, unstable as Gilderoy suggests?
Severus:For once, I must agree with this buffoon. Harry Potter has been breaking rules since he arrived at Hogwarts-
Oprah:Rule breaking? what kind of rules?
Severus:In his first year, he ventured to try and steal the philosopher's stone from where the staff had hidden it, enabling Quirrel to get down there and very nearly stole the stone. In his second year, he damaged a very valuable tree, injured a Mr Draco Malfoy whilst in a friendly duel, and in his later years, has broken more rules than anyone else in the school, an on several occasions has broken into my office, and stolen potion ingredients that are potentially dangerous.
Oprah:What do you know of the love triangle between Harry and a miss Hermione Granger, another of your students, I believe? As you know, the young couple have encountered some major difficulties in their relationship since Rita Skeeter of the daily prophet sprung Miss Granger's relationship with Victor Krum, Bulgarian Quidditch hero.
Severus:Cant stand the kid, really she's a nightmare. This is this and that is that. Always interrupting the class with useless information, putting up her hand, but she's nothing on one of my Slytherin students, I can tell you. Anyways. The love triangle grows even more this year, I predict. I have noticed that Hermione has also been toying with the affections of Harry's best friend, Ronald Weasly, who is clearly besotted with her.
Oprah:Do you know anything of this, Gilderoy?
Gilderoy: When I was her defence against the dark arts teacher, she had, a, we'll just call it a crush, on me. She sat there. In her seat at the front of the class, with her mouth open, gaping up at me with uttermost affection-
Oprah:Yes, yes, that's very nice, but what of her and Harry?
Gilderoy:*laughs*Nothing going there, I'm afraid. That Harry Potter's much too unstable for someone like miss Granger. Oh, I could set her straight in an instant-
Oprah:Lets call up our next guest for today-come on up, Victor Krum!
*enter Krum, with about 5000 fan girls swooning and sighing loudly.*
Oprah:Please sit down, Victor. So tell us, just what is your relationship with Hermione Granger?
Victor:Vat?I thought I vas here to talk about ze Quidditch match?
Oprah*smile*First we want to hear about Hermione
Victor:Vell she is my girlfriend
Oprah:Do you know what is between her and Harry Potter?
Victor:Potter?Ze are friends, of course.
Oprah:Did you know that they have been conducting a secret relationship with each other behind your back?
Victor: No, ze are just friends. Potter said so himzelf.
Oprah:Are you aware that Hermione has hidden from you a passion for this man here?*points to Lockhart*
Victor: Vat?
Oprah:Exactly what I said. She is in love with Gilderoy Lockhart! Clearly, Potter's taste reflects his state of mind-his girlfriend is practically a harlot!!
Severus:Let us all kill Potter!
Lockhart: I know the way, the spell is called Kevada Adrava!
Severus:oh shut up, you moron!
Oprah:Getting back to Potter, it is said, by some, that Potter plans to single-handedly defeat Voldemort.Our final speaker for today is Harry Potter himself!! *enter Harry Potter*
Harry: I've got to get to class, I can't talk, why did you abduct me-
Gilderoy: Harry, my boy, absolutely spiffing to see you!
Harry: Oh no, not you!
Oprah:Harry, my friend Severus here tells us that you have, on several occasions, broke into Severus's office and stolen potion ingredients. What do you have to say to that?
Harry: I quote Lucius Malfoy:prove it.
Oprah:Ahh, Harry, do you know all the people I have here with me today?
Harry: Why, do you want me to identify them as kidnapped or something?
Oprah:no, please just introduce them, then we'll end the show
Harry: Well-err-that's Lockhart-the blonde, stupid one-
Lockhart: Why you little-Harry my boy!Deosn;t know what he's saying-by the way, I have a new book-its called Lockhart: the man, the myth and the motions
Oprah:Wow!Gilderoy, lets let Harry talk for nor, okay?
Harry: The ugly, repulsive one is Snape
Severus:Proffesor Snape to you, boy!
Harry: And that's Victor Krum
Oprah:You've met victor before, I take it?
Harry: Yes, last year at the Triwizard tournament
Oprah:How do you feel about Victor here being with your girlfriend, Hermione?
Harry:Hermione's not my girlfriend, Oprah-
Oprah*interrupts quickly*Lets go to questions from the crowd!
*A tall man stands up*I have a question for Severus-
Oprah:Yes?
Tall man: I want to know if he wants the dinner reservations at la porchetta or la pergola, I can't remember which
Snape:You fool!La porchetta, naturally. I mean, err-what are you talking about? Lets go to the next question.
Oprah:An excellent idea, Severus.
*teenage girl stands up*I have a question for Harry-Do you still like Cho, 'cos she wants to know if you'll go out with her
Harry:yeh, sure!
*molly Weasly stands up*Gilderoy, can I have your autograph?
Gilderoy: oh, of course, nothing is too big for my biggest fan
Oprah:And that's a cut! Goodnight ladies, gentlemen, witches, wizards stay tuned for the next program:Quikspell:Hosted by Argus Filch!
Audience:AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!*stampede out of room*
Oprah:Welcome to today's show, and we have a very special guest lined up for today-none other than Gilderoy Lockhart, destroyer of all evil and five times winner of the witch weekly's most charming smile award! Hello, Gilderoy, how are you today?
Lockhart:*laughs*Well I'm better now I'm here on your show today, Oprah!I hear you're a huge fan of mine?
Oprah:Yeh, sure-*laughs*So tell me Gilderoy, what have you been up to lately?
Lockhart: Well, I've just recently had my memory restored. As you know, Harry Potter and his sidekick, Ronald Weasly made a great attempt on my life *injured sniff*. When I was down in the chamber of secrets, boldly risking my own life to save the little girl, Potter and his little friend decided that they were jealous of all my achievements. They then put a memory hex on me-I-I was caught of my guard, and, well, their charm worked, they got what they wanted, didn't they?
Oprah:No.That's just awful, Gilderoy. Now we have today, another guest star to help us shine the life on Harry Potter-ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Professor Snape!
Lockhart: Wait on, I thought this show was about me!
*Enter Snape, loud booing*
Oprah:Severus, welcome
Snape:*snarl* You can't do this! You cant force me to stay here!Avada-
Oprah:Umm-security?Please assist Serverus in sitting down *offstage*Take away his wand!
Oprah:Serverus, please tell us about Harry Potter. Is he as perhaps, unstable as Gilderoy suggests?
Severus:For once, I must agree with this buffoon. Harry Potter has been breaking rules since he arrived at Hogwarts-
Oprah:Rule breaking? what kind of rules?
Severus:In his first year, he ventured to try and steal the philosopher's stone from where the staff had hidden it, enabling Quirrel to get down there and very nearly stole the stone. In his second year, he damaged a very valuable tree, injured a Mr Draco Malfoy whilst in a friendly duel, and in his later years, has broken more rules than anyone else in the school, an on several occasions has broken into my office, and stolen potion ingredients that are potentially dangerous.
Oprah:What do you know of the love triangle between Harry and a miss Hermione Granger, another of your students, I believe? As you know, the young couple have encountered some major difficulties in their relationship since Rita Skeeter of the daily prophet sprung Miss Granger's relationship with Victor Krum, Bulgarian Quidditch hero.
Severus:Cant stand the kid, really she's a nightmare. This is this and that is that. Always interrupting the class with useless information, putting up her hand, but she's nothing on one of my Slytherin students, I can tell you. Anyways. The love triangle grows even more this year, I predict. I have noticed that Hermione has also been toying with the affections of Harry's best friend, Ronald Weasly, who is clearly besotted with her.
Oprah:Do you know anything of this, Gilderoy?
Gilderoy: When I was her defence against the dark arts teacher, she had, a, we'll just call it a crush, on me. She sat there. In her seat at the front of the class, with her mouth open, gaping up at me with uttermost affection-
Oprah:Yes, yes, that's very nice, but what of her and Harry?
Gilderoy:*laughs*Nothing going there, I'm afraid. That Harry Potter's much too unstable for someone like miss Granger. Oh, I could set her straight in an instant-
Oprah:Lets call up our next guest for today-come on up, Victor Krum!
*enter Krum, with about 5000 fan girls swooning and sighing loudly.*
Oprah:Please sit down, Victor. So tell us, just what is your relationship with Hermione Granger?
Victor:Vat?I thought I vas here to talk about ze Quidditch match?
Oprah*smile*First we want to hear about Hermione
Victor:Vell she is my girlfriend
Oprah:Do you know what is between her and Harry Potter?
Victor:Potter?Ze are friends, of course.
Oprah:Did you know that they have been conducting a secret relationship with each other behind your back?
Victor: No, ze are just friends. Potter said so himzelf.
Oprah:Are you aware that Hermione has hidden from you a passion for this man here?*points to Lockhart*
Victor: Vat?
Oprah:Exactly what I said. She is in love with Gilderoy Lockhart! Clearly, Potter's taste reflects his state of mind-his girlfriend is practically a harlot!!
Severus:Let us all kill Potter!
Lockhart: I know the way, the spell is called Kevada Adrava!
Severus:oh shut up, you moron!
Oprah:Getting back to Potter, it is said, by some, that Potter plans to single-handedly defeat Voldemort.Our final speaker for today is Harry Potter himself!! *enter Harry Potter*
Harry: I've got to get to class, I can't talk, why did you abduct me-
Gilderoy: Harry, my boy, absolutely spiffing to see you!
Harry: Oh no, not you!
Oprah:Harry, my friend Severus here tells us that you have, on several occasions, broke into Severus's office and stolen potion ingredients. What do you have to say to that?
Harry: I quote Lucius Malfoy:prove it.
Oprah:Ahh, Harry, do you know all the people I have here with me today?
Harry: Why, do you want me to identify them as kidnapped or something?
Oprah:no, please just introduce them, then we'll end the show
Harry: Well-err-that's Lockhart-the blonde, stupid one-
Lockhart: Why you little-Harry my boy!Deosn;t know what he's saying-by the way, I have a new book-its called Lockhart: the man, the myth and the motions
Oprah:Wow!Gilderoy, lets let Harry talk for nor, okay?
Harry: The ugly, repulsive one is Snape
Severus:Proffesor Snape to you, boy!
Harry: And that's Victor Krum
Oprah:You've met victor before, I take it?
Harry: Yes, last year at the Triwizard tournament
Oprah:How do you feel about Victor here being with your girlfriend, Hermione?
Harry:Hermione's not my girlfriend, Oprah-
Oprah*interrupts quickly*Lets go to questions from the crowd!
*A tall man stands up*I have a question for Severus-
Oprah:Yes?
Tall man: I want to know if he wants the dinner reservations at la porchetta or la pergola, I can't remember which
Snape:You fool!La porchetta, naturally. I mean, err-what are you talking about? Lets go to the next question.
Oprah:An excellent idea, Severus.
*teenage girl stands up*I have a question for Harry-Do you still like Cho, 'cos she wants to know if you'll go out with her
Harry:yeh, sure!
*molly Weasly stands up*Gilderoy, can I have your autograph?
Gilderoy: oh, of course, nothing is too big for my biggest fan
Oprah:And that's a cut! Goodnight ladies, gentlemen, witches, wizards stay tuned for the next program:Quikspell:Hosted by Argus Filch!
Audience:AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!*stampede out of room*