Her finger traced the rim of the warm coffee cup as her mind slowly drifted off. Ben sat patiently across from her on the other side of the table. He was waiting for Colleen to say something but she seemed too lost in thought.

"That was horrible." She finally said before she drew her cup to her lips and took a sip of her coffee.

Ben nodded, not knowing what to say. They were in the local coffee shop, having breakfast since Colleen didn't have the energy to face her family again after the ordeal that occurred the night before.

"I think it's a start." Ben said softly.

Colleen raised her eyebrows at him, giving Ben her patented what-are-you- talking-about look. "A start to what?" She asked curiously.

"Healing." He replied.

Colleen scoffed and then rolled her eyes. "Don't even give me that whole healing pep talk." She said instantly, sounding very New Yorker.

"Col, don't deny it. You want to get better. You want to get back together with your family." He insisted but Colleen shook her head at him.

"I am better." She argued. "I'm good as long as I have you."

Ben smiled taking the compliment but then sighed. "I won't always be here for you. You can't always rely on me."

Colleen then frowned not liking the thought that there was a possibility that she would lose him. "Don't say that." She said firmly.

"Colleen, be reasonable."

"No!" She argued. "I'm not losing you too."

Ben sighed again, realizing that there was no way he would win this. He loved the girl but sometimes, she was too damn stubborn for her own good.

Ever since Colleen lost the baby, it was as if she had transferred all her love for that child to Ben and she had clung to him as if her life depended on it.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to argue with you but please don't put that thought in my head." She said sincerely and Ben nodded.

"I just want you to be happy." He explained.

"I am happy." She insisted again despite the fact the Ben knew all too well that she wasn't. No matter how much she tried to hide it, he could still see right through her even with all the walls she built up over the years.

Suddenly, the door to the café opened and Billy, J.T. and Mackenzie walked in. J.T. immediately noticed her and walked over to her while Billy and Mac gave her a quick smile and found their own table, knowing full well what J.T.'s intentions were.

"We need to talk." He said firmly.

"I'm busy." Colleen replied curtly.

"Why don't you two catch up? I'm going to look around the mall and see what I can bring back to New York." Ben said and before Colleen could protest, he had stood up from his seat and was already walking out the door.

Colleen groaned inwardly as she glared at Ben's general direction. She was going to make him pay for this.

"Make it fast." She said, snapping at J.T.

"Okay." J.T. replied as he slipped his hands into his pockets like he had done so in the past. "Can I sit?" He asked.

"There's a chair." She said curtly.

"I know you're angry." He started and already Colleen didn't like it. "Colleen, please, don't make it any more difficult."

"Don't talk to me about difficulties, J.T. You have no idea." She retorted.

"I'm not picking a fight. Just listen to me for a couple minutes and when I'm done what I have to say, you won't ever have to see me or talk to me again." He pleaded.

"Fine." She said grudgingly.

"I know that it's been years since we last saw each other. And I know you haven't forgiven me for talking you into going with your mother and I want to apologize." He declared.

"You're actually apologizing." She said sounding very surprised. "I thought you were going to make up some stupid excuse and waste my time."

J.T. shook his head. "No. No excuses this time. I really regret talking you into going with your mother. I shouldn't have accepted Traci's offer but I felt like I had no choice. And I regret all that. I could have saved us a lot of hurt." He said ruefully.

Colleen nodded silently not liking how he spoke. It was as if he knew what happened to her all those years.

"Why didn't you ever return my calls or my letters?" J.T. asked.

She looked at him, her heart beating so fast she thought she couldn't breathe. If she told him where she was, it could unearth so many painful secrets but if she didn't, then he'd always think that she didn't forgive him. "I never got them." She dared to answer. Her family had kept her disappearance a secret. Traci demanded that it stayed that way.

The people of Genoa city were led to believe that she lived with her mother all these years when in fact Colleen hadn't seen or spoken to Traci since that day she was sent to the abortion clinic.

"But I sent them to the right address. Traci never said anything." J.T. said sounding shocked.

"It doesn't matter. I probably wouldn't have read them anyway. I was too angry then." She declared softly, letting her guard down slightly.

"You hated me that much?"

Colleen shook her head. "I didn't hate you. I lo-I blamed you for my unhappiness." She answered uncomfortably.

"Even now?"

She sighed, not wanting to discuss herself anymore. "Sometimes." She answered truthfully.

"I'm sorry." J.T. whispered.

"Me too but we can't change the past." She said unhappily.

J.T. nodded his head sadly. "I missed you." He dared to say before he lost his chance.

"J.T. don't. I can handle you talking to me about your regrets but don't dwell on old feelings. It makes everything so much worse. Please move on." She begged quietly, not wanting to cry in front of him.

"I can't help it. You have no idea how much I wish you stayed. We could have had something-"

"But we didn't!" Colleen interrupted him angrily, her voice low but tense. "Stop it, J.T. I wish I could change my past, more than you'll ever understand. Don't talk to me about what could have been. I could have had so many things in my life right now and that was all robbed from me but I'm not complaining am I?" She hissed before she abruptly stood up and walked away from him.

J.T. shook his head sadly. No matter how much he tried, he always failed wit Colleen. No matter how sorry he was it would never be enough. He hated to see her that way-so cold and detached, her guard always up.

She wasn't the Colleen he remembered. She was sweet and kind and so vulnerable.

But that was years ago, J.T. reminded himself miserably. He quietly stood up and walked out of the coffee shop, his mind too clouded with thoughts.

There was something undeniably unhappy about Colleen. Something had happened. Something he didn't know. J.T. was sure of it. Granted Colleen was angry at him but he had seen so much hurt in her eyes. Not for what he did but something more.

J.T frowned. He was going to find out what it was that Colleen was hiding.
************************************************************************

Colleen yanked the door to her hotel room and then immediately slammed it after her, causing a loud bang.

"How dare he?" She said angrily as she threw her purse at the window, fortunately not breaking it. She was shaking now from all the anger inside her and the hurt that J.T. had brought back.

She should never have spoken to him. She shouldn't have even given him the chance to try to speak to her.

But I'm too damn weak to say no to him, she thought bitterly. Even after these years I still have a "thing" for him.

She groaned as she dragged herself around the couch and sat on it. She groaned again, frustrated at how she was so affected by him. She couldn't understand why she couldn't act like she wasn't hurting, like the world was perfect and her decision had no effect on her whatsoever.

Unfortunately, it did. It was as if J.T.'s decision was a trigger to a fire that would burn Colleen.

Had he not talked her into going with Traci, she would never have been in New York. Then she would never have been raped. The baby would never have existed and Colleen wouldn't also have lost it and ruined her life.

"So much hurt could have been avoided." She said sadly as she cried again, admitting to herself and no one else how lost and miserable she was.