Chapter two. Of questions and Fortune Cookies
(They finally get to a building marked, Go in here for the Game Show)
Sulu-I guess we're supposed to go in here for the Game Show.
(They all enter the building. They come right onto a huge stage. There are
six chairs on the stage. Kirk looks out at the audience, which is clapping,
and starts bowing)
Kirk-Thank you, thank you. Really too much. Please sit-
McCoy-(grabs Kirk's arm and points) They're clapping at him!
(McCoy is pointing to an announcer who just popped onto the stage)
Announcer-And now, our game show host, Jaaaaaames Shorten!
James Shorten-(walks onto stage) So! Hello audience!(Cups hand to ear)
Audience-Hello James Shorten!
James Shorten-I can't heeeeeeear you!
Audience-HELLO JAMES SHORTEN!
James Shorten-You can be louder then that!
Audience-(screaming)HELLO JAMES SHORTEN!
James Shorten- What's that you sa-(interrupted by unidentified person
backstage)
UPB-James, I think that's enough. Look, the audience looks like they're going to
explode. They also look very angry.
(James looks back at the audience and sees that the audience looks like it's
about to explode. It also look very angry)
James Shorten-Heh! Heh! Anyway, may I introduce the crew of the Epterprice!
(The crew steps forward. Kirk frowns. He hated it when people
pronounced the ship's name wrong!)
James Shorten-Yohura!(Uhura decides to let the wrong pronunciation pass,
curtseys, and sits down in one of the chairs. Kirk starts bowing again)
McCoy-(whispers) Jim! they're not applauding you!
James Shorten-Solo!(Sulu looks annoyed, but simply sits down next to
Uhura)
Kirk-Thank you, thank you.(McCoy nudges him in the ribs)
James Shorten-Checkoff!(Chekov sits down next to Sulu, muttering Russian
under his breath. McCoy glares at Kirk to make sure he doesn't think it's
him the audience is applauding. Kirk sees McCoy's glare and looks
annoyed)
Kirk-(whining)When are they going to start applauding for me?
James Shorten-Sock!(Spock blinks and then looks at McCoy, who is laughing and
pointing at the chair. Even Kirk was laughing to hard to start bowing)
McCoy-Well, Sock, take a seat.(The Vulcan does, trying to look as dignified as
possible)
James Shorten-McCaw!(McCoy stops laughing immediately and takes a seat
stiffly. Kirk is still laughing) Annnd Captain Quirk!(Kirk stops laughing
and is to flustered to bow. He just sits down)
Kirk-(muttering) How dare he! I'm a Starfleet Captain! He can't do that!
(Suddenly Kirk's attention is drawn to 2 blond girls who have
entered the stage)
James Shorten-And now my lovely helpers, Lucille and Camille, will help me ask
the questions and explain the rules.
Lucille-(in a high perky voice) The rules are as follows:
Camille-(in a identical high perky voice) All of the crew will take turns
drawing a question out of the Question Box of Doom.(Lightning
flashes and Camille pulls out a black box)
UBP-Duh! Duh! Duh! Woah!(Crash) Owwww! Help! Help!
(The UBP falls unto the stage rapped tightly in a lamp cord. He almost falls
into Camille, who runs screaming to the other end of the stage)
Kirk-(dramatically)I will save you!
(Kirk gets up and goes over to the person stuck in the cord. He trips over
the cord and starts thrashing around, only managing to get even more
stuck)
Kirk-Bones! Help!
McCoy-(grumpy) All right, all right! (He goes backstage and unplugs the lamp.
After that it is quite easy to get them untangled)
Camille- You saved that UBP, McCaw!
(McCoy looks pleased, until he hears how she addressed him. Then he
turns red)
Kirk-Hey look at this!
(Kirk holds up a piece of paper that was tied around the phone cord)
Kirk-(Reading the paper) You haven't seen the last of me! I will wreak destruction
on this play if it's the last thing I do! Muahahahahaha! Sighed, The
Narrator of Vile Evilness.
Chekov-I alvays knew he had something wrong vith his head.
James Shorten-Cool! The people who I'm asking questions to have a evil narrator
after them. This will look good on the headline.
Lucille- Can we get started? I have a make-up appointment.
Uhura-(sarcastically) You certainly wouldn't want to miss that.
James Shorten-So, lets get started. Camille, pick somebody to draw from the
Question Box of Doom.
Sulu-Wait! We don't know how to play yet!
James Shorten-I don't know how either. This is my first time.
Spock-It is illogical that you, the Game Show manager, do not know how to play
your own game.
McCoy-(airily)Well, things aren't always logical, are they?(He was still annoyed at
having his name being mistaken for a bird)
Spock-That statement is illogical.
Camille-(loudly)I'm going to pick somebody now!
James Shorten-Wait! I know one more thing! The topic is the TV show Star Trek,
the original series.
(A/N I was going to add because it's so much better then the Next
Generation, but decided against it)
Chekov-That sounds vaguely familiar.
Sulu-zzzzzzz, What? Is it going to start.
Camille-(loudly and impatiently)The person who is going to pick the first
question isssssssss........(the audience is silent)
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss(takes a breath) issssssssssssssss
Some One In The Audience Whose Name We Forgot-Somebody hit her!
(Camille stops, looking insulted then began walking towards the chairs.
Kirk smiles as she comes near to him. Then she walks past him and holds
out the box to McCoy, smiling. McCoy blinks, then reaches his hand into
the box)
UBP-Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick-(McCoy draws out a piece of paper and hands it to
James, who looks at it blankly)
McCoy-You're supposed to read it.
James Shorten-Ahhh.(reading) In the TV show, Star Trek the original, what is the
statement that the Science Officer says most often:
A)We're going to die. B)The air is breathable.
C)That is illogical. D)Pigs can fly!
(Pause)
McCoy- Is the Science officer a Vulcan?
James Shorten-Sorry, I'm not allowed to say anything, besides, I never watched
the show.
Spock-It would be illogical to assume that the most commonly spoken statement
is "pigs can fly".
(McCoy stared at Spock. If he hadn't know better, he would have
thought Spock was joking)
Sulu-Do we get any hints?
James Shorten-Not from me, I don't even know the right answer. It's not circled.
Spock-That is illogical.
James Shorten-Is that your final answer?
Kirk-What?
James Shorten-Glad it is. Now I just have to find out if you're right.
(While James is wondering how to find out the right answer, McCoy leans
towards Spock)
McCoy-(Whispering)Why did you guess that?
Spock-I did not guess that, Doctor. I was merely saying it was illogical not to
know the right answer if you are the host of a Game Show.
Uhura-(to James) I have an idea. You can use my magic 8 ball. Just ask it if C is
the right answer.
James Shorten-(shrugs)It's the best thing we have.
Kirk-(whispers to Uhura)That looks a lot like the 8 ball I gave you because it
broke and says the same answer every time.
Uhura-(smiling, and pretending to be puzzled) It must be a coincidence, Captain.
Kirk-Right....
(James shakes the 8 ball)
James Shorten-Is C the right answer?(Stops shaking and looks at the ball)It says
yes.
All but Spock-Whoopee!
Spock-(with raised eyebrows)This is assuredly the most illogical human passtime
I have encountered thus far.
McCoy-(grinning)Don't worry, Spock. I've seen ones that are much worse.
James Shorten-Camille, please pick the person to draw again. And by the way,
that was a 100 point question. We have the 200, 300, 400, and 500 dollar
questions left. And then, lastly, we have the 1,000 dollar question. Oh, just
a little thing I might want to mention, if you get a question wrong, you get
the points subtracted from your total.
Chekov-I thought you said you didn't know anything about this game!
James Shorten-I'm just making it up.
Kirk-I do that a lot. Like my lines for example. I probably don't have this sentence
in the script, but I'm saying it anyway.
McCoy-Shhhhh!
(Camille walks over to Kirk, who smiles and puts his hand into the box. He
picks one and hands the slip to James)
James Shorten-(reading) Where does the Starship Captain, in the TV show die?
A)In a Klingon Ship B)Under a bridge
C)At home, surrounded by D)In a hospital bed
his friends and family
Kirk-Ohhh! Ohhh! I can do this one!
McCoy-How? It's kind of hard to know the answer to a question about a TV show
you've never seen.
Kirk-I'm going to get rid of all the answers that don't make sense.
Spock-I believe the correct term for that is the process of elimination.
Kirk-Yah, yah, whatever. First, scratch off C.
Sulu-Why?
Kirk-Come on! Whoever heard of a Starship Captain dying happily with last
words like "My life has been wonderful." That's not how our author's mind
works. It's much more likely they'd die in the place no one expects them
to. Seriously, if they make him die happy, it wouldn't be dramatic. They
always quote Captains by saying what his final words were. And
furthermore...
Sulu-OK, I get it.
Kirk-(apologetically) Sorry. I'm just really worried what my last words will be. I
mean, what if I die saying "I really like pink jelly beans"? How would it
sound if they said Captain Kirk's final words were "I really like pink jelly
beans"? Then my funeral would be a laughing stock.
McCoy-(smiling) Not if you died here. Then they'd say Captain Quirk.
Kirk-They'd also say Doctor McCaw.(McCoy stops smiling)
Uhura-If you're so concerned about your final words, why don't you just pick out
something philosophical to say, and walk around saying that for the rest of
your life?
Kirk-(brightly) That's a great idea! What's something philosophical I could say?
Bones?
McCoy-Don't look at me. I'm a doctor, not a philosopher.
Chekov- Here's a proverb I heard once: Mean vat you say, and say vat you mean.
All but Spock-Huh?
Chekov-That was my reaction.
Sulu-Aren't say what you mean and mean what you say the same thing?
McCoy-Here's one I heard somewhere: Revenge is a dish that is best served cold.
Kirk-Too Klingon.
McCoy-No wonder it doesn't make much sense.
Spock-Doctor, the meaning is simple. It means that-(Kirk interrupts)
Kirk-I got one! How's this? (strikes a courageous pose) I regret that I have but
one life to give to Starfleet, but I hope the one I had was meaningful.
McCoy-That's a downer.
Spock-I do not understand how a proverb could be a- a downer?
McCoy-You wouldn't.
Chekov-I just remembered! Ve're supposed to be answering a question.
McCoy-What question? Oh yah. Jim, you were using the process of elimination.
Kirk-I regret that I have but one life to give to Starfleet..(McCoy interrupts)
McCoy-Jim! Come on, nobody's going to be killing anyone right now.
(Suddenly, Sulu falls out off his chair, groaning and clutching his heart)
Kirk-See! See! It could happen!
McCoy-Sulu, are you all right?
Sulu-(moaning)I'm dyyyying.
Uhura-Really?
Sulu-No. (sits up in his chair again)
Kirk-That wasn't funny.
Sulu-(smugly)Maybe not to you.
Chekov-Let's get back to the question. Our host and about half the audience has
fallen asleep.
McCoy-Yes. Jim, please continue.
Kirk-I regret that I have but one life-(McCoy interrupts)
McCoy-You have lastwordsophobia, Jim.
Uhura-What's that?
McCoy-When you're afraid of your last words, and are worried that you'll say
something stupid.
(A/N Can we pleeeeeease get back to the plot? And don't say what plot)
Sulu-What plo- oh, never mind.
McCoy-(with a business sounding voice) All right. We know it's not C, which in
case you had forgotten, is surrounded by your family. (Everyone had
forgotten) It's probably not D either, which is in a hospital. Now we have
A, on a Klingon ship, and B, Under a bridge. Jim?
Kirk-I regret that I have but one life-(McCoy interrupts yet again)
McCoy-So, since Jim said before that the authors always make people die in weird
places, I think we should go for B. I mean seriously, whoever heard of
dying under a bridge?
Kirk-I certainly wouldn't want to die under a bridge.
Sulu- What happened to the I regret thing?
Kirk-Oh! I mean I regret that I have but one life-(This time Chekov interrupts)
Chekov-(To Sulu) Vhy'd you haff to get him started again?
Sulu-Sorry.
Spock-(Is fed up with the way the plot is fading from this story) James? We have
made our answer selection.
James Shorten-zzzzzzzz- What? Oh yah! What do you guess.
McCoy-I guess B.
James Shorten-(shaking magic 8 ball) Is B the right answer?
Lucille-(peers over James's shoulder)It says yes!
All but Spock-Whoopee!
Kirk-Oh, I mean, I regret that I have but one life-(James interrupts)
James Shorten-Sorry, we don't have time for speeches. Now time for the 300
dollar question. Camille, please get somebody to pick a question.
(Camille walks to Chekov and holds the box out to him. Chekov reaches his
hand in and pulls out a slip of paper, which he hands to James)
James Shorten-(Reading) From what species did the proverb, "Revenge is a dish
that is best served cold" come from?
A) Romulans B) Vulcans
C) Humans D)Klingons
Kirk-(Forgetting about his little philosophical speech) Hey! Bones talked about
that!
McCoy-Yes, but I didn't know what species it came from. You were the one who
said it sounded Klingon. You know, all about honor and revenge. Spock, do
you know anything about revenge proverbs?
Spock-I believe that Captain Kirk is right. It does sound like a Klingon saying. It is
most certainly not a Vulcan proverb. (McCoy tries to detect emotion in
that statement, but if there was any, Spock hid it well.) It is also probable
that it is Romulan. Even C is a possible answer.
McCoy-C? What's that? Is that humans! (mad) It's humans, isn't it! Now see here
you Vulcan! Humans aren't all crazy about revenge! The only thing we have is
emotions, which are perfectly fine!
Spock- Doctor, your last statement could be debated.
McCoy- Why you green-blooded, inhuman, pointy-eared menace!
Spock-I see nothing wrong with being inhuman, though I, unfortunately am not.
(Although Kirk would love to see who finally won this debate, he figured it
would only end with severe mutilation on one or both of the participants.
He figured he'd better be a peace-maker if he wanted someone to help him
with the last Game Show questions)
McCoy-Why you-(Kirk interrupts)
Kirk-My, my. Brawling again, are we? I think that we should go with Klingon,
because I said so. Any objections?
(Spock and McCoy turn and look at Kirk. Spock's eyebrows are raised and
McCoy looks like he wants to say something more, this time to Kirk, but
decides against it)
James Shorten-So, you answered D?(Shakes 8 ball) Is the answer D?(reads) It
says yes!
Everybody but Spock-Whoopee!
James Shorten-Camille could you-
(Camille walks towards Spock and holds out the box to him. When he
draws out his hand, it's empty)
Spock-I believe, Captain, that the box has no more questions left.
Camille-(holds box upside down) He's right!
Sulu-(pouting) But I didn't get a turn!
James Shorten-(worried) Oh! I just remembered, Spots ate the rest last night!
Uhura-Spots? Is that your dog?
James Shorten-(sounds distracted)What? No, of course not. Spots is the name of
my insurance salesman.
Uhura-Uh.........OK.
James Shorten-We'll just have to skip to the 1,000 dollar question.
Kirk-I thought that you didn't have any questions.
James Shorten-I get to make up the last question.
Spock-I believe you misspoke. Wouldn't the correct term be the 1 million dollar
question, seeing as the name of this Game Show is Who wants to be a
Millionaire?
Lucille-Well, we had to make some cuts in the budget. We changed it and hoped
you wouldn't notice.
McCoy-Spock always notices.
James Shorten-The question is: If it just so happened that I was Q in disguise,
and this was all a scam to humiliate you, what would be your reaction:
A) Bow down before him B)Boldly face certain death.
and offer tribute.
C)Run away, cowardly. D)Stare in surprised shock.
(Pause)
(During the pause, James Shorten starts to transform. In a matter of
seconds, he is Q. The audience, and to Kirk's dismay, Lucille and Camille
fad away.)
Uhura-(Timidly) Are those the only choices?
Kirk-I choose E: Telling Scotty to beam us up NOW!(Flips open
communicator) Scotty! Beam us up!
(The annoying sparkles cover the landing party)
James Shorten Q-Wait! Come back! I'm not finished yet Kirk!
(Q waves his hand and the sparkles disappear)
Chekov-Huh? Vat happened?
Kirk-(Annoyed) Scotty, I said beam us up!
Scotty's voice-(From communicator)The transporters malfunctioned Cap'n. I'll
have to fix it afore ye can beam up.
Q-(Laughs)Remember Kirk, I am all powerful. You can not escape!
Muahahahahahahahahaha...cough cough.. ahem.
Kirk-What are you going to do.
Q-I've decided to humiliate you.
McCoy-Spock doesn't have emotions, remember? You can't humiliate him.
Q-(frowns)Hmmmmmm.. (brightens up) He still has his dignity.(Grins evilly)
Not for long, though.
(Q hands each of the members of the crew a fortune cookie)
Chekov-I don't like Japanese food.
Sulu-(Indignantly)Fortune Cookies are Chinese.
McCoy-Actually I think they're American. Isn't that weird? You get Chinese
Fortune Cookies with a Made In USA tag on it.
Sulu-(To Q) Are they authentic Chinese Fortune Cookies?
Q-Actually, they're Vulcan Fortune Cookies. (Spock's eyebrows raise)
McCoy- (smiling) Really?
Q-Of course not, you fools! They're just Fortune Cookies! Why does it matter
where they're from?!
Spock-Humans sometimes find unusual topics interesting for conversation.
McCoy-Oh sure, side with him. You're just mad at the thought of there being
Vulcan Fortune Cookies.
Kirk-My fortune had better be: You will miraculously find a way to get away
from an insanely powerful alien.
McCoy- It's more likely to say: You will see two blondes coming towards you with
names like Marissa and Melissa.
Q-Just open them! Wait, before you do I just want to explain what the papers
inside will mean.
Uhura-Wouldn't they be our fortunes?
Q-(Smiles evilly)In a way they are. On that piece of paper is the thing you will
have to do for 1 week. Don't worry, I made them all embarrassing, and I'll
be recording the whole thing.
Kirk-Ha! Nothing can embarrass me! I'm Captain James T. Kirk, Captain of the
USS Enterprise! My mission is to explore strange new-(Q interrupts)
Q-We'll just see about that.
(As the crew members open their Fortune Cookies and read the slip of
paper, each has a different expression. Sulu blinks rapidly. Uhura says "I
am not doing this!" Chekov starts laughing. Spock's eyebrows disappear
above his hair line. McCoy turns red, and there is a vein just above his eye
that was twitching. Kirk is furious.)
Uhura-I am not doing this!
Kirk-How dare you! I'm Captain James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS
Enterprise-(Q interrupts)
Q-Have fun! See you next week!(Starts laughing maniacally)
(Kirk, McCoy, Spock, Uhura, Chekov and Sulu are beamed into the bridge)
Kirk-Scotty, are the transporters working?
Scotty's voice-Aye, Cap'n. As soon as they started working, I beamed you up. By
the way, how was the Game Show?
Kirk-Don't ask. I'm going to bed.
(A/N-Hope you liked it. And as always, Review, Review, Review. If nobody reviews, I think everyone thinks my stories are wierd. Well, then again, I suppose they are)
(They finally get to a building marked, Go in here for the Game Show)
Sulu-I guess we're supposed to go in here for the Game Show.
(They all enter the building. They come right onto a huge stage. There are
six chairs on the stage. Kirk looks out at the audience, which is clapping,
and starts bowing)
Kirk-Thank you, thank you. Really too much. Please sit-
McCoy-(grabs Kirk's arm and points) They're clapping at him!
(McCoy is pointing to an announcer who just popped onto the stage)
Announcer-And now, our game show host, Jaaaaaames Shorten!
James Shorten-(walks onto stage) So! Hello audience!(Cups hand to ear)
Audience-Hello James Shorten!
James Shorten-I can't heeeeeeear you!
Audience-HELLO JAMES SHORTEN!
James Shorten-You can be louder then that!
Audience-(screaming)HELLO JAMES SHORTEN!
James Shorten- What's that you sa-(interrupted by unidentified person
backstage)
UPB-James, I think that's enough. Look, the audience looks like they're going to
explode. They also look very angry.
(James looks back at the audience and sees that the audience looks like it's
about to explode. It also look very angry)
James Shorten-Heh! Heh! Anyway, may I introduce the crew of the Epterprice!
(The crew steps forward. Kirk frowns. He hated it when people
pronounced the ship's name wrong!)
James Shorten-Yohura!(Uhura decides to let the wrong pronunciation pass,
curtseys, and sits down in one of the chairs. Kirk starts bowing again)
McCoy-(whispers) Jim! they're not applauding you!
James Shorten-Solo!(Sulu looks annoyed, but simply sits down next to
Uhura)
Kirk-Thank you, thank you.(McCoy nudges him in the ribs)
James Shorten-Checkoff!(Chekov sits down next to Sulu, muttering Russian
under his breath. McCoy glares at Kirk to make sure he doesn't think it's
him the audience is applauding. Kirk sees McCoy's glare and looks
annoyed)
Kirk-(whining)When are they going to start applauding for me?
James Shorten-Sock!(Spock blinks and then looks at McCoy, who is laughing and
pointing at the chair. Even Kirk was laughing to hard to start bowing)
McCoy-Well, Sock, take a seat.(The Vulcan does, trying to look as dignified as
possible)
James Shorten-McCaw!(McCoy stops laughing immediately and takes a seat
stiffly. Kirk is still laughing) Annnd Captain Quirk!(Kirk stops laughing
and is to flustered to bow. He just sits down)
Kirk-(muttering) How dare he! I'm a Starfleet Captain! He can't do that!
(Suddenly Kirk's attention is drawn to 2 blond girls who have
entered the stage)
James Shorten-And now my lovely helpers, Lucille and Camille, will help me ask
the questions and explain the rules.
Lucille-(in a high perky voice) The rules are as follows:
Camille-(in a identical high perky voice) All of the crew will take turns
drawing a question out of the Question Box of Doom.(Lightning
flashes and Camille pulls out a black box)
UBP-Duh! Duh! Duh! Woah!(Crash) Owwww! Help! Help!
(The UBP falls unto the stage rapped tightly in a lamp cord. He almost falls
into Camille, who runs screaming to the other end of the stage)
Kirk-(dramatically)I will save you!
(Kirk gets up and goes over to the person stuck in the cord. He trips over
the cord and starts thrashing around, only managing to get even more
stuck)
Kirk-Bones! Help!
McCoy-(grumpy) All right, all right! (He goes backstage and unplugs the lamp.
After that it is quite easy to get them untangled)
Camille- You saved that UBP, McCaw!
(McCoy looks pleased, until he hears how she addressed him. Then he
turns red)
Kirk-Hey look at this!
(Kirk holds up a piece of paper that was tied around the phone cord)
Kirk-(Reading the paper) You haven't seen the last of me! I will wreak destruction
on this play if it's the last thing I do! Muahahahahaha! Sighed, The
Narrator of Vile Evilness.
Chekov-I alvays knew he had something wrong vith his head.
James Shorten-Cool! The people who I'm asking questions to have a evil narrator
after them. This will look good on the headline.
Lucille- Can we get started? I have a make-up appointment.
Uhura-(sarcastically) You certainly wouldn't want to miss that.
James Shorten-So, lets get started. Camille, pick somebody to draw from the
Question Box of Doom.
Sulu-Wait! We don't know how to play yet!
James Shorten-I don't know how either. This is my first time.
Spock-It is illogical that you, the Game Show manager, do not know how to play
your own game.
McCoy-(airily)Well, things aren't always logical, are they?(He was still annoyed at
having his name being mistaken for a bird)
Spock-That statement is illogical.
Camille-(loudly)I'm going to pick somebody now!
James Shorten-Wait! I know one more thing! The topic is the TV show Star Trek,
the original series.
(A/N I was going to add because it's so much better then the Next
Generation, but decided against it)
Chekov-That sounds vaguely familiar.
Sulu-zzzzzzz, What? Is it going to start.
Camille-(loudly and impatiently)The person who is going to pick the first
question isssssssss........(the audience is silent)
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss(takes a breath) issssssssssssssss
Some One In The Audience Whose Name We Forgot-Somebody hit her!
(Camille stops, looking insulted then began walking towards the chairs.
Kirk smiles as she comes near to him. Then she walks past him and holds
out the box to McCoy, smiling. McCoy blinks, then reaches his hand into
the box)
UBP-Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick-(McCoy draws out a piece of paper and hands it to
James, who looks at it blankly)
McCoy-You're supposed to read it.
James Shorten-Ahhh.(reading) In the TV show, Star Trek the original, what is the
statement that the Science Officer says most often:
A)We're going to die. B)The air is breathable.
C)That is illogical. D)Pigs can fly!
(Pause)
McCoy- Is the Science officer a Vulcan?
James Shorten-Sorry, I'm not allowed to say anything, besides, I never watched
the show.
Spock-It would be illogical to assume that the most commonly spoken statement
is "pigs can fly".
(McCoy stared at Spock. If he hadn't know better, he would have
thought Spock was joking)
Sulu-Do we get any hints?
James Shorten-Not from me, I don't even know the right answer. It's not circled.
Spock-That is illogical.
James Shorten-Is that your final answer?
Kirk-What?
James Shorten-Glad it is. Now I just have to find out if you're right.
(While James is wondering how to find out the right answer, McCoy leans
towards Spock)
McCoy-(Whispering)Why did you guess that?
Spock-I did not guess that, Doctor. I was merely saying it was illogical not to
know the right answer if you are the host of a Game Show.
Uhura-(to James) I have an idea. You can use my magic 8 ball. Just ask it if C is
the right answer.
James Shorten-(shrugs)It's the best thing we have.
Kirk-(whispers to Uhura)That looks a lot like the 8 ball I gave you because it
broke and says the same answer every time.
Uhura-(smiling, and pretending to be puzzled) It must be a coincidence, Captain.
Kirk-Right....
(James shakes the 8 ball)
James Shorten-Is C the right answer?(Stops shaking and looks at the ball)It says
yes.
All but Spock-Whoopee!
Spock-(with raised eyebrows)This is assuredly the most illogical human passtime
I have encountered thus far.
McCoy-(grinning)Don't worry, Spock. I've seen ones that are much worse.
James Shorten-Camille, please pick the person to draw again. And by the way,
that was a 100 point question. We have the 200, 300, 400, and 500 dollar
questions left. And then, lastly, we have the 1,000 dollar question. Oh, just
a little thing I might want to mention, if you get a question wrong, you get
the points subtracted from your total.
Chekov-I thought you said you didn't know anything about this game!
James Shorten-I'm just making it up.
Kirk-I do that a lot. Like my lines for example. I probably don't have this sentence
in the script, but I'm saying it anyway.
McCoy-Shhhhh!
(Camille walks over to Kirk, who smiles and puts his hand into the box. He
picks one and hands the slip to James)
James Shorten-(reading) Where does the Starship Captain, in the TV show die?
A)In a Klingon Ship B)Under a bridge
C)At home, surrounded by D)In a hospital bed
his friends and family
Kirk-Ohhh! Ohhh! I can do this one!
McCoy-How? It's kind of hard to know the answer to a question about a TV show
you've never seen.
Kirk-I'm going to get rid of all the answers that don't make sense.
Spock-I believe the correct term for that is the process of elimination.
Kirk-Yah, yah, whatever. First, scratch off C.
Sulu-Why?
Kirk-Come on! Whoever heard of a Starship Captain dying happily with last
words like "My life has been wonderful." That's not how our author's mind
works. It's much more likely they'd die in the place no one expects them
to. Seriously, if they make him die happy, it wouldn't be dramatic. They
always quote Captains by saying what his final words were. And
furthermore...
Sulu-OK, I get it.
Kirk-(apologetically) Sorry. I'm just really worried what my last words will be. I
mean, what if I die saying "I really like pink jelly beans"? How would it
sound if they said Captain Kirk's final words were "I really like pink jelly
beans"? Then my funeral would be a laughing stock.
McCoy-(smiling) Not if you died here. Then they'd say Captain Quirk.
Kirk-They'd also say Doctor McCaw.(McCoy stops smiling)
Uhura-If you're so concerned about your final words, why don't you just pick out
something philosophical to say, and walk around saying that for the rest of
your life?
Kirk-(brightly) That's a great idea! What's something philosophical I could say?
Bones?
McCoy-Don't look at me. I'm a doctor, not a philosopher.
Chekov- Here's a proverb I heard once: Mean vat you say, and say vat you mean.
All but Spock-Huh?
Chekov-That was my reaction.
Sulu-Aren't say what you mean and mean what you say the same thing?
McCoy-Here's one I heard somewhere: Revenge is a dish that is best served cold.
Kirk-Too Klingon.
McCoy-No wonder it doesn't make much sense.
Spock-Doctor, the meaning is simple. It means that-(Kirk interrupts)
Kirk-I got one! How's this? (strikes a courageous pose) I regret that I have but
one life to give to Starfleet, but I hope the one I had was meaningful.
McCoy-That's a downer.
Spock-I do not understand how a proverb could be a- a downer?
McCoy-You wouldn't.
Chekov-I just remembered! Ve're supposed to be answering a question.
McCoy-What question? Oh yah. Jim, you were using the process of elimination.
Kirk-I regret that I have but one life to give to Starfleet..(McCoy interrupts)
McCoy-Jim! Come on, nobody's going to be killing anyone right now.
(Suddenly, Sulu falls out off his chair, groaning and clutching his heart)
Kirk-See! See! It could happen!
McCoy-Sulu, are you all right?
Sulu-(moaning)I'm dyyyying.
Uhura-Really?
Sulu-No. (sits up in his chair again)
Kirk-That wasn't funny.
Sulu-(smugly)Maybe not to you.
Chekov-Let's get back to the question. Our host and about half the audience has
fallen asleep.
McCoy-Yes. Jim, please continue.
Kirk-I regret that I have but one life-(McCoy interrupts)
McCoy-You have lastwordsophobia, Jim.
Uhura-What's that?
McCoy-When you're afraid of your last words, and are worried that you'll say
something stupid.
(A/N Can we pleeeeeease get back to the plot? And don't say what plot)
Sulu-What plo- oh, never mind.
McCoy-(with a business sounding voice) All right. We know it's not C, which in
case you had forgotten, is surrounded by your family. (Everyone had
forgotten) It's probably not D either, which is in a hospital. Now we have
A, on a Klingon ship, and B, Under a bridge. Jim?
Kirk-I regret that I have but one life-(McCoy interrupts yet again)
McCoy-So, since Jim said before that the authors always make people die in weird
places, I think we should go for B. I mean seriously, whoever heard of
dying under a bridge?
Kirk-I certainly wouldn't want to die under a bridge.
Sulu- What happened to the I regret thing?
Kirk-Oh! I mean I regret that I have but one life-(This time Chekov interrupts)
Chekov-(To Sulu) Vhy'd you haff to get him started again?
Sulu-Sorry.
Spock-(Is fed up with the way the plot is fading from this story) James? We have
made our answer selection.
James Shorten-zzzzzzzz- What? Oh yah! What do you guess.
McCoy-I guess B.
James Shorten-(shaking magic 8 ball) Is B the right answer?
Lucille-(peers over James's shoulder)It says yes!
All but Spock-Whoopee!
Kirk-Oh, I mean, I regret that I have but one life-(James interrupts)
James Shorten-Sorry, we don't have time for speeches. Now time for the 300
dollar question. Camille, please get somebody to pick a question.
(Camille walks to Chekov and holds the box out to him. Chekov reaches his
hand in and pulls out a slip of paper, which he hands to James)
James Shorten-(Reading) From what species did the proverb, "Revenge is a dish
that is best served cold" come from?
A) Romulans B) Vulcans
C) Humans D)Klingons
Kirk-(Forgetting about his little philosophical speech) Hey! Bones talked about
that!
McCoy-Yes, but I didn't know what species it came from. You were the one who
said it sounded Klingon. You know, all about honor and revenge. Spock, do
you know anything about revenge proverbs?
Spock-I believe that Captain Kirk is right. It does sound like a Klingon saying. It is
most certainly not a Vulcan proverb. (McCoy tries to detect emotion in
that statement, but if there was any, Spock hid it well.) It is also probable
that it is Romulan. Even C is a possible answer.
McCoy-C? What's that? Is that humans! (mad) It's humans, isn't it! Now see here
you Vulcan! Humans aren't all crazy about revenge! The only thing we have is
emotions, which are perfectly fine!
Spock- Doctor, your last statement could be debated.
McCoy- Why you green-blooded, inhuman, pointy-eared menace!
Spock-I see nothing wrong with being inhuman, though I, unfortunately am not.
(Although Kirk would love to see who finally won this debate, he figured it
would only end with severe mutilation on one or both of the participants.
He figured he'd better be a peace-maker if he wanted someone to help him
with the last Game Show questions)
McCoy-Why you-(Kirk interrupts)
Kirk-My, my. Brawling again, are we? I think that we should go with Klingon,
because I said so. Any objections?
(Spock and McCoy turn and look at Kirk. Spock's eyebrows are raised and
McCoy looks like he wants to say something more, this time to Kirk, but
decides against it)
James Shorten-So, you answered D?(Shakes 8 ball) Is the answer D?(reads) It
says yes!
Everybody but Spock-Whoopee!
James Shorten-Camille could you-
(Camille walks towards Spock and holds out the box to him. When he
draws out his hand, it's empty)
Spock-I believe, Captain, that the box has no more questions left.
Camille-(holds box upside down) He's right!
Sulu-(pouting) But I didn't get a turn!
James Shorten-(worried) Oh! I just remembered, Spots ate the rest last night!
Uhura-Spots? Is that your dog?
James Shorten-(sounds distracted)What? No, of course not. Spots is the name of
my insurance salesman.
Uhura-Uh.........OK.
James Shorten-We'll just have to skip to the 1,000 dollar question.
Kirk-I thought that you didn't have any questions.
James Shorten-I get to make up the last question.
Spock-I believe you misspoke. Wouldn't the correct term be the 1 million dollar
question, seeing as the name of this Game Show is Who wants to be a
Millionaire?
Lucille-Well, we had to make some cuts in the budget. We changed it and hoped
you wouldn't notice.
McCoy-Spock always notices.
James Shorten-The question is: If it just so happened that I was Q in disguise,
and this was all a scam to humiliate you, what would be your reaction:
A) Bow down before him B)Boldly face certain death.
and offer tribute.
C)Run away, cowardly. D)Stare in surprised shock.
(Pause)
(During the pause, James Shorten starts to transform. In a matter of
seconds, he is Q. The audience, and to Kirk's dismay, Lucille and Camille
fad away.)
Uhura-(Timidly) Are those the only choices?
Kirk-I choose E: Telling Scotty to beam us up NOW!(Flips open
communicator) Scotty! Beam us up!
(The annoying sparkles cover the landing party)
James Shorten Q-Wait! Come back! I'm not finished yet Kirk!
(Q waves his hand and the sparkles disappear)
Chekov-Huh? Vat happened?
Kirk-(Annoyed) Scotty, I said beam us up!
Scotty's voice-(From communicator)The transporters malfunctioned Cap'n. I'll
have to fix it afore ye can beam up.
Q-(Laughs)Remember Kirk, I am all powerful. You can not escape!
Muahahahahahahahahaha...cough cough.. ahem.
Kirk-What are you going to do.
Q-I've decided to humiliate you.
McCoy-Spock doesn't have emotions, remember? You can't humiliate him.
Q-(frowns)Hmmmmmm.. (brightens up) He still has his dignity.(Grins evilly)
Not for long, though.
(Q hands each of the members of the crew a fortune cookie)
Chekov-I don't like Japanese food.
Sulu-(Indignantly)Fortune Cookies are Chinese.
McCoy-Actually I think they're American. Isn't that weird? You get Chinese
Fortune Cookies with a Made In USA tag on it.
Sulu-(To Q) Are they authentic Chinese Fortune Cookies?
Q-Actually, they're Vulcan Fortune Cookies. (Spock's eyebrows raise)
McCoy- (smiling) Really?
Q-Of course not, you fools! They're just Fortune Cookies! Why does it matter
where they're from?!
Spock-Humans sometimes find unusual topics interesting for conversation.
McCoy-Oh sure, side with him. You're just mad at the thought of there being
Vulcan Fortune Cookies.
Kirk-My fortune had better be: You will miraculously find a way to get away
from an insanely powerful alien.
McCoy- It's more likely to say: You will see two blondes coming towards you with
names like Marissa and Melissa.
Q-Just open them! Wait, before you do I just want to explain what the papers
inside will mean.
Uhura-Wouldn't they be our fortunes?
Q-(Smiles evilly)In a way they are. On that piece of paper is the thing you will
have to do for 1 week. Don't worry, I made them all embarrassing, and I'll
be recording the whole thing.
Kirk-Ha! Nothing can embarrass me! I'm Captain James T. Kirk, Captain of the
USS Enterprise! My mission is to explore strange new-(Q interrupts)
Q-We'll just see about that.
(As the crew members open their Fortune Cookies and read the slip of
paper, each has a different expression. Sulu blinks rapidly. Uhura says "I
am not doing this!" Chekov starts laughing. Spock's eyebrows disappear
above his hair line. McCoy turns red, and there is a vein just above his eye
that was twitching. Kirk is furious.)
Uhura-I am not doing this!
Kirk-How dare you! I'm Captain James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS
Enterprise-(Q interrupts)
Q-Have fun! See you next week!(Starts laughing maniacally)
(Kirk, McCoy, Spock, Uhura, Chekov and Sulu are beamed into the bridge)
Kirk-Scotty, are the transporters working?
Scotty's voice-Aye, Cap'n. As soon as they started working, I beamed you up. By
the way, how was the Game Show?
Kirk-Don't ask. I'm going to bed.
(A/N-Hope you liked it. And as always, Review, Review, Review. If nobody reviews, I think everyone thinks my stories are wierd. Well, then again, I suppose they are)