Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, although I wouldn't complain if I did!! All references, unless created by me belong to Warner Bros. and Aaron Sorkin.
Title: Hidden Secrets.
Author: Elaine.
Author's Notes: This is my first WW fanfic, so feedback would be really appreciated.
Major thanks and a thousand blessings go to Jodie for beta'ing this for me. Also to Kelly and our late Monday night texting sessions!!
Please send feedback to: solitudeperfection@yahoo.com
Hidden Secrets
should we lose each other in the shadow of the evening dreams, I'll wait for you, should I fall behind wait for me"
Faith Hill. "If I should fall behind."
CJ heard the gun, felt the pop before anyone else did. And the word on her lips, was one word, one name, whispered and simply spoken.
"Toby."
Across the bullpen, Toby's head jerked up at the noise and then instinct took over. He hit the floor, wincing as he felt his shoulder take the brunt of his fall. He lay, crouched on the floor, his breaths coming out in rapid shallow gasps as he tried to calm himself down.
The knock at the door broke him away from Rosslyn.
"Yeah?" he croaked, then coughed once and repeated more clearly. "Yeah?"
The door opened and Ginger stood in the doorway.
"Toby." She asked tentatively, "Toby are you alright.?" She asked, her voice breaking as she saw him lying on the office floor.
Toby sat up, running his hands softly over himself. "I'm Ok, Ginger." He said simply. Toby looked up to see the disbelief in her eyes. "Really," he repeated , his voice stronger. "I'm fine. Are you Ok?"
Ginger nodded, tears brimming in her eyes. "I'm fine." She said, repeating Toby's words.
Toby didn't say anything, simply nodded his head once, understandingly.
Outside CJ's office Carol froze in fear and panic. She barely had time to react before she heard the crash from inside CJ's office.
"CJ?" she asked moving, crawling towards the closed door. "CJ" she repeated, more forcefully.
Carol opened the door and screamed. CJ lay on the floor, briefing notes everywhere. A pool of red seeped from where she was lying.
"Oh god, CJ. Oh God" Carol repeated hysterically.
Carol's screams brought a secret service agent charging down the hall. He took one look inside the office and barked down his earpiece.
"Flamingo is down, I repeat. Flamingo is down."
Sam was in Toby's office talking to him when they heard Carol's screams.
"CJ" they said simultaneously and both men turned and ran down the hall. The sight that greeted them made them stop in horror.
CJ lay, her eyes glassy, skin clammy as White House medics surrounded her.
"Ok," Toby heard of them say, "clean wound, I think the bullet has gone right through. Major blood loss. Pulse is thready and erratic." She stretched her back, easing the kinks out. "I hate stomach wounds. How long until the ambulance?"
"It's here." Her partner responded. "We're waiting until they've secured the building."
Throughout all of this Toby couldn't hear anything, couldn't feel anything. He wasn't aware of anything, except CJ lying there, helpless, as the paramedics tried to stop her blood flowing. Then something started to seep through the mental block. Carol, her voice, her words.
"I didn't move,….I mean…I didn't .." she broke off, hysterically crying.
Toby turned towards her and looked at her and for a split second he could see the fear in his eyes reflected in hers. He opened his mouth to say something, but realized he couldn't. No words would make this alright. No words would set the clock back 10 minutes so CJ would be standing in her office instead of lying on its floor.
"Sam," Toby croaked "Can you?" he gestured towards Carol.
"Yeah. Sure" Sam said quietly. "Carol," he said, taking her by the hand. "Come on." and he turned and walked her back towards the bullpen. Bonnie greeted them.
"It's Ok, Sam. We'll look after her."
"Thanks Bonnie. Sam smiled weakly. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah, shaken up but Ok and Bonnie managed to match Sam's smile. Then she grew serious. "Is she?"
" I don't know." Sam answered truthfully, unable to rid the image of CJ on the floor. "Its just bad…" and he gestured futilely.
"Yeah." Bonnie said quietly.
In the Oval office, the President and Leo were getting up off the floor.
"Are you alright Mr. President, Mr. McGarry?" Ron asked.
Bartlet stood up, straightened his clothes and nodded. "I'm fine Ron." He said.
"Ok sir," and Ron turned and spoke into his mouthpiece. "Liberty is secure."
He turned back to the two men, "Mr. McGarry?"
"Yeah" Leo said, badly shaken, "I'm ok."
Ron nodded and turned back to speak into his microphone. "Irish is secure."
"What about the rest of my staff, Ron?" President Bartlet asked his AIC.
"All units should check in soon Sir" Ron replied.
"Ok."
The three of them stood in silence, waiting. The silence stretched on, unbearable.
Leo broke the silence. "It's days like this I wish I hadn't stopped drinking." He said quietly.
The President looked at his Chief of Staff "Yeah, I know what you mean."
"Oscar and Princeton are secure." a disembodied voice said, startling the men in the room.
"thank god" Bartlet breathed. "Toby and Sam".
"Connecticut and Wisconsin are secure" another disembodied voice cam back barely seconds later.
Leo let out the breath he wasn't aware he had been holding. Josh and Donna were alright.
Then a voice shouted out "Flamingo is down. I repeat, Flamingo is down.!"
Ron turned, barking orders down his mouthpiece. Leo and the President looked at each other, faces drained of color.
"Ron," the President barked. "I want to know what's going on!"
"Yes sir." Ron turned his back, listening to the reports. Moments later, he turned back. "Sir it appears that Ms. Cregg was hit. We have medics with her now and an ambulance is waiting outside the west entrance."
"Leo" the President said, pointing to the door. "Go and see what's happening."
"Yes Mr. President." Leo replied, walking towards the door.
Leo reached CJ's office just in time to see Sam lead Carol away in tears. He caught the younger man's arm and Sam turned to look at him, his face white and ashen.
"Sam?" Leo asked softly.
"I don't know…it's bad" Sam replied. "Toby's in there." He said, gesturing behind him.
"Ok." Leo nodded and stepped into the madness.
"Right, on three" He heard a paramedic say. "One two, three. Lift!" and CJ was lifted off the floor onto a stretcher.
Leo looked around and saw Toby leaning against the wall, his lips silently moving.
"Toby" Leo said quietly, placing a hand on the Communication director's arm. "Toby"
Toby flinched, then looked over. "I have to go with her." He said simply.
"Yeah, ok." Leo replied.
"Mr. Ziegler," the paramedic called out. "we're ready to go now."
"Ok." Toby responded simply and felt his feet move automatically, walking behind the stretcher.
The flashing lights and sirens wailed down the streets to GW hospital. Toby shuddered, remembering the last time he was here. Scenes from Rosslyn sped through his mind. CJ and Josh intertwining.
At the hospital CJ was rushed into ICU as Toby was taken to reception. There were so many questions that Toby didn't have answers to; and none of them were on the sheet of paper in front of him.
'Why her? Why us? Why again? Haven't we been through enough? Hasn't she?'
Toby sat, his head in his hands, lips still silently moving. Waiting.
Leo had gone back into his office to find Margaret there looking at him. Leo cursed himself silently. Margaret. He had completely forgotten.
"Margaret, are you alright?"
She nodded, a quick jerk of her head. "Are you alright. And the President?"
"We're both fine."
"I heard about CJ" Margaret said quietly.
"Oh. From who?"
"Bonnie" Margaret replied.
They stood in silence for a moment, then Margaret inclined her head towards her desk. "I'll get on with something." She said .
"Ok."
"He's free at the moment." Margaret said knowingly.
Leo smiled. "Thanks, Margaret."
She nodded and left. Leo took a deep breath and walked through his office into the adjoining one.
"Mr. President?"
Bartlet's head came up. "Hey Leo, how is she?"
Leo closed his eyes. "It's bad Sir. Toby went with her to the hospital."
"How is Toby?"
"Praying" Leo replied simply.
"Yeah." The President said in understanding. "I think we'll all be doing that today."
At the hospital Toby was sitting down when he heard footsteps echoing down the hall. He looked up to see Sam and Josh walking towards him.
"Hi Toby, what's going on?" Sam asked.
"I don't know. They haven't told me anything yet." He replied quietly.
Josh looked around and sat on Toby's other side. "I hate this place."
"Yeah." Sam agreed. "Me too."
Josh looked down at the floor, remembering the shooting. Suddenly a thought came to him. "Is CJ's mother her next of kin?"
"No, I am" Toby said simply.
"What?!" Sam said surprised.
Toby looked over at his deputy. "She came to me after Rosslyn. She said to me that if anything happened to her in Washington would I be her next of kin. It works both ways, she's mine."
"I understand" Josh supplied. "Donna's mine."
"How is Donna?" asked Sam.
"She's OK. She was scared for me. She came into my office, shaking. Once she realized that I was alright she calmed down. I think she's looking after Carol at the moment."
"Sam" Toby said quietly, "about earlier…."
"It's Ok. You don't have to explain."
"What do we do now?" Josh asked.
"Wait" Toby replied simply.
The three men sat in silence. All thoughts on the woman behind the door.
About 20 minutes later, there was a flurry of activity from down the hallway. All 3 heads jerked up to see a Secret Service walk down the hall and in the middle of them walked Abigail Bartlet.
"I just heard" she said, taking Toby's hand in hers. Jed wants to come down, but Ron's threatening to have a coup if he does." She said easily.
Toby smiled, his lips quirking upwards. "It's Ok. Ma'am. Thank you for being here."
"Have you heard anything?"
"Not yet, Ma'am" Josh interjected.
"Toby" Sam said, looking past the First Lady. "I think this is the Doctor now."
A tall aging man walked towards them, his coat splattered with blood. CJ's blood Toby thought.
"Mr. Ziegler" he asked as he approached them.
"That's me" Toby said, stepping forward. "How is she?"
"I'm Dr. Munroe" the doctor replied. "Ms Cregg suffered a gunshot wound to her lower abdomen. The bullet went straight through, but she has suffered massive internal bleeding and we had to repair some damage to her intestines. We'll have to operate to properly repair the damage."
"Ok" Toby said quietly.
"Who's' doing the operation?" she First Lady asked.
"Dr MacGregor, Ma'am."
"Good." The First lady nodded.
"Gentlemen," Dr Munroe said, looking at them. "The operation will probably take about 2 hours. Why don't you all try to get some rest."
"Yeah" all 3 men replied non commitedly.
The First lady half smiled. "Don't worry, Dr. I'll look after them"
"Ok Ma'am." Dr Munroe said, and turned and walked away.
All 3 men sat down in stunned silence.
"Is he any good." Josh asked after a minute.
"Who?" Sam asked, confused.
"Dr MacGregor."
"Yes." The first lady replied. "He's one of the best. CJ's in good hands."
"Leo," Margaret said, popping her head into his office. "The First lady was on the phone. CJ's been taken into surgery, They think it will be about 2 hours before we know anything."
"Ok, thanks. Who's doing the briefing?"
"I think Simon is"
"Ok, make sure he lets the press know what is going on.."
"but doesn't give away too much information" Margaret said, finishing the sentence.
"Yeah" Leo answered, smiling at how well Margaret knew him. "God I could do with a drink about now." He said softly.
Margaret's head jerked up suddenly. "Leo, you're not thinking of…"
Leo stalled her argument by holding his hand up in surrender. "No, I'm not. It's just… I don't know. A figure of speech, I guess" and the Chief of Staff shrugged his shoulders.
Margaret looked at her boss. "Ok." She said simply, and considered the matter forgotten.
The hours stretched on, endlessly Sam and Josh had gone back to the White House, there were still meeting to be had. Still the country to run. Toby realized that for the first time in his life he really didn't care. Not about the country, or the constitution or really anything. Nothing except CJ, and that truly frightened him.
The First lady's head moving caused Toby to look up instinctively. A doctor came walking towards them and Abigail Bartlet stood up to meet him. Toby followed suit, dragging his protesting body into an upright position.
"Ma'am, Mr. Ziegler .I'm Dr MacGregor."
"Can I see her?" Toby said suddenly.
"Ms Cregg is in ICU at the moment. If you can wait here I'll get a nurse to come and find you when Ms Cregg is stable." Dr Macgregor said calmly.
Toby felt his frustration well up inside him. "Wait!" he yelled. "Wait! That's all I've been doing waiting!"
Dr MacGregor took a step back at the ferocity in Toby's voice. The nurses standing nearby looked around nervously. Only the Secret Service and the First lady were unperturbed.
"Toby," the First lady said, resting her hand on his arm. "Toby, they're doing everything they can. I know it's hard but wait for a little while. Ok?"
Toby nodded, all the fight expelled from his body. "Yes Ma'am."
Abigail Bartlet dropped her hand, aware that Toby had calmed down. 'He really loves her' she thought instantly. How long has he hid it from her? Does she know, does he?' The first lady thought to herself. Out loud she said. "Thank you Doctor."
Dr MacGregor nodded and walked away.
"Toby," Abigail Bartlet spoke up. "I'm going to go and call Jed. Do you need anything?"
Toby shook his head and then remembered "Ma'am."
The First lady turned. "Yes."
"Can you tell Sam and Josh what's happening."
The First lady smiled. "Yes Toby"
"Thank you Ma'am"
The phone rang straight through into the Oval office, bypassing Charlie's desk. The President's hand shot out and grabbed the receiver on the second ring.
"President Bartlet" he announced.
"Jed."
"Abbey?" the President asked.
"Yes Jed, it's me."
"How is she?" He asked as Leo walked in from his office. Bartlet gestured with his hand for Leo to come closer and the Chief of Staff took up position near the desk.
"She's just come out of surgery. It went well. CJ's resting now."
The President let out a breath. "How's Toby?"
"Barely holding it together. He's very quiet." The First lady let out a low chuckle. "Very un-Toby like." She said seriously.
The President nodded, "Thanks Abbey. Are you coming back to the White House now?"
"No, I'll wait with Toby for a little while. At least until Sam or Josh get here."
"Ok. Bye Abbey." Bartlet replaced the receiver and looked over at Leo.
"What?" Leo asked.
The President retold Abbey's conversation to him. Leo listened and said nothing, simply let his shoulders relax once he had heard that CJ was out of surgery and sleeping peacefully. Once the President had finished talking, Leo inclined his head towards his office.
"I think I might let Sam go for the evening."
"Yeah." the President agreed.
Leo walked from the Oval Office. "Margaret!" he shouted.
"Yes." she replied.
"Find Sam and tell him to finish up what he's doing and then go to see Toby."
Margaret nodded. "Yes Sir" Then she paused, "CJ?"
"Out of surgery"
"Ok." and Margaret walked from her boss's office into the Communications domain to find Sam.
"Sam?"
A voice came from the doorway and Sam looked up to see the Chief of Staff's assistant standing there. For a moment he thought the worst. "Oh god, no." he said softly, his face ashen.
Margaret looked at Sam's face and realized what he was thinking. She shook her head violently. "No Sam, it's not that. CJ is out of surgery and Leo wants you to go and see Toby."
Sam let out a deep breath. "Thanks Margaret."
"Give CJ my love."
"I will." Sam promised.
"Same for us" three voices from the bullpen called out and Sam looked past Margaret to see Bonnie, Ginger and Donna all standing there.
Sam nodded. "Yeah, I will."
"Toby, Toby" Sam stood at Toby's side as he sat beside CJ's bed. Toby was asleep, his head resting on his left arm, his right clasping CJ's hand. The Communication Director awoke with a start.
"CJ?"
"No Toby, it's me. Sam."
Toby blinked and re-orientated himself.
"How is she?" Sam asked, looking down at CJ's sleeping form.
Toby sighed. "I don't know. The doctors came in a few hours ago to check on her, but they didn't say anything." He ran his hand across his beard in frustration. "I just hate being so useless. She's just lying there, sleeping and I want her to wake up. Just to know that she's going to be alright."
Sam laughed quickly and then stopped, embarrassed. "Sorry."
"What was so funny?"
"I was just….it's nothing."
"Sam." Toby said warningly.
"I was just thinking that maybe we could get Josh to give another briefing. The fight against gravity instead of inflation."
Toby relaxed slightly. "Yeah."
Sam looked down at his friend. "Toby, go get some food, some coffee. Anything."
"I can't."
"I'll call you the minute she wakes up." He promised.
"Ok," and Toby got up, seconds later, Sam sat down.
Toby walked the corridor looking for something, anything. Something to stop the image of CJ lying on her office floor with blood flowing from her replaying itself in his head.
"Toby." Abigail Bartlet's voice brought him back.
"Ma'am."
"Is Sam here?"
Toby nodded.
"Ok, I'm going to back to the White House, but if anything happens, and I mean anything," the First Lady said forcefully, then call."
"Yes Ma'am." Then he paused. "Ma'am about earlier."
Abigail Bartlet's lips curled up softly. "It's ok, Toby."
Toby gave a soft smile in response. "Thank you." he said sincerely.
The First Lady nodded, saying nothing. Hearing the sincerity in Toby Ziegler's voice was unusually unheard of and worth everything.
Toby walked outside GW, coffee in one hand, the carton hot in his hand. Suddenly his cell phone rang and he flipped it to see the caller id. The number was anonymous. Not Sam. God, the Press, Toby thought, enraged. He flipped the lid up.
"OK!" He barked down the phone. "Get this straight. I have no comment!"
"Toby." Andrea Wyatt's voice came from the other side.
"Andi?" Toby said surprised.
"Yeah, I just heard. How's CJ?"
"Out of surgery." He said automatically. Toby swallowed hard, and his next words were full of pain and frustration. "God, Andi, she was hit. And I saw her, lying there, and I was so helpless." Toby admitted softly, his voice breaking.
Andi offered a silent prayer for the man on the other end of the phone. "You're not helpless, Toby. You're there, with her. All of you are. Just keep being there with her." She said, knowing that her words were insignificant and wishing she could say more.
Toby knew, and said nothing. Simply, "Ok. Thanks Andi."
"Yeah. Say 'Hi' to CJ for me."
"I will." Toby replied. "Bye Andi."
"Bye Pokey. Take care." and Andi ended the call.
Three hours later, Sam had gone home. Toby remained, still holding CJ's hand, still talking to her. A knock at the door interrupted him.
"Come in."
Ginger walked in, carrying a bag in her hand. "I figured you weren't going to go home, so I went to your apartment and brought you a few things."
"Thanks Ginger. Wait."
Ginger turned back. "Yes?"
"How did you know I was going to stay. Did Sam say something?"
Ginger shook her head, half smiling at her boss. "No, I knew."
"Knew what?" Toby asked, slightly annoyed.
"How you feel about CJ."
He blinked. "Really." He replied skeptically.
Ginger smiled at his disbelief. "Yeah, look at yourself Toby. I've known for years. The first time I saw you look at her, I knew."
"And how exactly do I look at CJ?" Toby asked, his voice hardening with a touch of anger.
"Like there is no-one else in the room." Ginger replied softly. "Good night Toby" and Ginger shut the door behind her.
Toby sat in stunned silence, his hand stroking CJ's absentmindedly
************
May: night after Rosslyn.
It was 2am and Toby couldn't sleep. He had been forced out of the White House by Leo who had told him. "We already have 2 people in GW, Toby. I don't want there to be 3."
Toby flipped over in bed and groaned. His cell phone blinked intermittingly and Toby stared at it, willing Sam or CJ to phone him. After five minutes of restless tossing and turning, Toby got up and went to pour himself a drink. The scotch burned down his throat, lessening the demons in his head. After the fifth drink, Toby grabbed his keys and began to walk.
Fifteen minutes later, Toby stood on CJ's doorstop. He ran the bell and CJ flung herself towards the sound, fear etched on her face.
"Toby, what's happened?"
He shrugged. "Nothing yet." He shuffled on the doorstep. "Can I come in?"
CJ nodded, noticing his bloodshot eyes and lost expression.
"Yeah Toby, come in. I didn't want to be alone tonight anyways."
"Me neither." He admitted quietly.
CJ led Toby into the lounge and they sat down, CJ leaning against Toby for support. They sat like that, not speaking for minutes, both of them reliving the past few hours and how something so good could go horrifically wrong.
CJ broke the silence, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand. "Did you call your brother?"
"Yeah." Toby replied gruffly. "He saw it on the news". Toby laughed, sharply. "I was going to call him to make sure he was ok, after.."
"Yeah."
"But he got to me first. I think the first thing we both said was "I'm ok." Toby swallowed audibly against the lump in his throat, and CJ held him a little tighter.
"How's Donna?" CJ asked.
'Coping, I think. The First lady's with her."
"Ok." CJ replied, knowing there was nothing else to say.
They lapsed into silence again, until Toby's voice served as the interruption to their thoughts.
"What time to you have to be in tomorrow?"
"Seven thirty. I've got a morning briefing. What about you?"
"Nine. You should sleep." Toby said softly.
"I'm not tired."
"CJ." Toby sighed. "Please."
CJ knew how rarely Toby ever used that word, and hearing the desperation in his tone, acquiesced. "Ok, but only if you do to."
Toby nodded. "Ok."
"Toby, " CJ said, her voice small. "Can I stay here?"
"Yeah."
She smiled and curled up her sixth foot frame onto her sofa, her head on Toby's chest.
"Thank you." she whispered.
"What for?"
"For being here." she replied softly.
Toby leaned down and brushed a kiss across her head. "Goodnight Claudia Jean." he said softly.
"CJ shuddered at the touch of Toby's kiss and her name spoken by him. "You haven't called me that in a long time." she said quietly.
"Yeah, well. I think it suits you today." Toby replied in tone.
*********
Toby woke up, remembering that night. Remembering the way CJ smelled, the feel of her hand interlaced with his. The way he hadn't slept, but simply watched her, her expressions flitting across her face, frowning and full of pain and then relaxing as he stroked her arm reassuringly.
He remembered her expression when she awoke, puzzled over why he was there. And then she remembered: Josh. Toby shook his head. There was no news.
Yet barely three hours later, CJ stood in front of the media and announced that Josh Lyman's surgery had been deemed a success.
She had went to Toby straight after. He took one look at her standing in his office and had closed the door over, locking it. CJ had gone to him, the tears threatening to overflow as she stood there, full of vulnerability. Toby held her in his arms, using his strength and compassion to envelop her.
Gradually the tears ceased, and Toby leaned back, still holding her. He looked into her eyes, and found himself drowning in her. His eloquence left him and he could barely grunt out. "Are you ok?"
CJ nodded, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "Yeah." She paused, "Toby."
"No-one will know." he said simply.
"Thanks." and CJ smiled in the way that only she can. The one that lit up her face, and made her eyes sparkle.
*******
Toby opened his eyes, remembering her smile and looked down at CJ's still body. He whispered to her, stroking her hand with his thumb.
"Please, CJ. Please wake up. We all need you. I need you," he admitted. Please CJ, just open your eyes, that's all I want."
But she remained unresponsive.
Toby felt his rage and complete helplessness rise up and begin to consume him for the second time. He lashed out, slamming his fist against the wall in desperation.
"Dammit!" he shouted, clutching his hand.
"Hello." came a voice.
Toby whirled around, not believing what he was hearing. "CJ?" he asked softly, in disbelief.
"You know you're going to have to pay for the wall." she commented.
"Yeah. But god, CJ, you're awake."
CJ narrowed her eyes. "Why shouldn't I be?"
Toby swallowed. Had she forgotten? was this a side effect of being unconscious for so long? "It's Wednesday, CJ. You've been in hospital for 2 days."
CJ's face went ashen. "Two days." she whispered.
Toby nodded.
"I was shot, " she said quietly, remembering. "I was in my office, and I heard something...like a pop...then...I said something...." CJ broke off as she heard Toby's name resound in her head. She looked away.
Toby sat down next to her, and placed her hand gently in his. He couldn't speak, all the images were of CJ lying on her office floor, the paramedics surrounding her.
"What about everyone else. Oh god, the President." CJ said, scared.
"They're all fine." Toby reassured her. "You were the only one hurt."
"Oh. How long have you been here?"
"Two days."
"What about work?"
Toby shrugged. "Sam's dealing with most of it. I'll deal with the rest of it when I get back."
"You haven't been home?" CJ asked, surprised.
"No, Ginger packed a bag for me and brought it here. With the exception of the President everyone's been here."
"How's Josh?" she asked, remembering the emotional fallout from Rosslyn.
"He's fine. Donna's been keeping an eye on him."
"Toby." CJ said plaintively. "I'm tired."
He squeezed her hand. "Yeah. Sleep. I'll get the doctor to come in and check on you."
"Hmm Hm." She replied and seconds later Toby heard the faint sound of CJ breathing. He reached down and placed a kiss lightly on her forehead. Then he walked out and reached for his cellphone.
"Sam Seaborn. Toby, what's happened?"
"She's awake, Sam." He replied, his voice full of relief.
"Oh god, Toby that's great, that's...." Sam broke off, unable to find the words for the emotions swelling up in him. "I'll let everyone else know, Ok?"
"Yeah. I'm going to try and get some rest now."
Sam nodded, embarrassed by the realization that Toby couldn't see him. "Sure. Sleep well, Toby."
"Thanks Sam. Bye."
"Bye Toby."
Toby flipped his cellphone closed and walked out into the car park. He was going to go back to his apartment, but he found himself sitting outside CJ's townhouse. A conversation from years ago reverberated in his head. 'Toby, if anything happens to me here, in Washington, I want you to be my next of kin.'
Toby raised his head and silently gave thanks. Thanks that CJ was awake. Thanks that he didn't have to make a decision because he doubted that he would have the strength of his beliefs to choose.
Back in the White House, the mood in the Communications department was one of quiet optimism and triumph. Sam had just walked back from the Oval Office, a smile across his face. After he had left, the President had called out: "Leo."
"Yes Mr. President." and Leo stepped from his office into the adjoining one.
"I've just talked to Sam. Toby called. CJ is awake and she is going to be fine."
Leo exhaled, feeling the tension ease from his body. "Thank goodness. Has the Doctor given any indication as to when she will be allowed home?"
"I spoke to Dr MacCregor, CJ attending physician and he believes that she will be released in 3 days, but not back to work for another week after that."
Leo smiled. "Do you really think CJ will take the week off?"
President Bartlet grinned. "Probably not, that's why I'm going to make it an order. If she comes back in before then, I'll have the Secret Service escort her out." He grinned.
Leo laughed, then added seriously. "You could get Toby to help. How is he?"
"Better now, according to Sam."
"Yeah." Leo replied knowingly.
Toby was still sitting in his car outside CJ's house. He took a deep breath and unlocked the car door. The crisp, cold Washington air hit him and he pulled his coat tighter around himself. He walked up the steps to her apartment and walked in. He switched on the lamp and looked around the living room. Time had stood still here, two days had passed without any human life being here. Toby shuddered; and not with the cold.
He looked around and saw her photographs on the sideboard. CJ and her brothers. She was the same height although three years younger. She must have been about 12, eyes laughing for the camera.
The next one was more recent. It was Josh and Sam at a White House event. Toby leaned closer to read the inscription on the glass. 'George and GQ' in CJ's cursive scrawl.
Then another one: of the President and the First Lady dancing together at the inaugural ball. Leo, and everyone else celebrating after they had won the Illinois primary before Donna told Josh that his father had died.
The last one was different. Someone else had taken this: as CJ was in the picture. It was at the President's Christmas party. Toby remembered her dress, a deep copper one that curved down to the small of her back. He had gasped when he had seen her, speechless when she smiled over at him. The photograph was of CJ and himself dancing, his hand splayed across her back, their bodies flushed against each other, moving in perfect rhythm, their height difference forgotten.
Toby stared at the picture, reliving the night in his head. He walked over to the sofa, fatigue overcoming him. He pulled the blanket from off the back of the sofa and inhaled. It smelt of CJ: of her perfume, her shampoo. Toby wrapped it around himself and fell asleep, thinking of CJ. Dreaming of CJ.
Three days later CJ was allowed home from hospital under the express orders that she was not allowed to return to work for another week. The President had talked to her and issued his threat to have the Secret Service remove her if she was seen anywhere near the White House.
However, after two days at home doing nothing CJ was going insane. She even got bored of watching CNN, which she thought impossible. The only thing that made her happy was Toby coming to see here everyday after he had finished work. He would bring food and gossip from work.
After the third day of her enforced rest, Toby came in to find CJ pacing her apartment like a caged animal.
"Hey CJ."
She whirled on him, "Don't 'hey CJ' me!"
Toby held his hands up in surrender. CJ in full pissed off mode was not a pleasant sight.
"Ok, sorry. What's wrong?"
"This! Toby." CJ raised her arms in frustration, circling her apartment. "This! I feel like an animal in a zoo! I haven't been outside in three days and I'm fed up of resting! Prisoners at Sing Sing see more sunshine than I have!"
"CJ," Toby said quietly, "the doctors told you to rest."
"Yeah Toby," she shouted back. "Rest. Not become a hermit."
Toby looked into her face and saw the pain there. He was fighting a losing battle and he knew it. He sighed and ran his hand across his head. "Ok." he said to himself.
He walked past CJ and into her bedroom, looking through her wardrobe he emerged two minutes later.
"Will these do?" he asked, holding up her jeans and a purple top.
"For what?" CJ asked puzzled.
"For playing the drums with." Toby responded sarcastically. "What do you think?"
"Oh god" CJ whispered as realization dawned. She clapped her hands together in a completely childish moment. "Thank you, Toby. Thank you."
"But only to the park." He said seriously. "And not for long, either."
CJ nodded, a smile spreading over her face. "Ok. I'm going to change"
Five minutes later Toby heard CJ's voice calling him. "Toby."
"Yeah."
"Can you come in here, please."
"Ok."
Toby walked in and immediately felt his face grow hot. CJ sat on the edge of her bed, her top in her hands. Toby looked away, his gaze transfixed on the carpet.
"CJ." He moaned.
"What?"
"You could have said that..." his voice trailed off as he looked at her.
"That I had no top on." she supplied.
"Yeah."
"Sorry." she said easily. " I need your help. I can't lift my hands over my head to put my top on."
"Oh." Toby said softly.
"So, can you help?"
"Yeah, sure." He replied, his gaze back on the carpet.
Toby, it helps if you look at me." CJ felt a lump in her throat coalesce. "Or do I really look that bad?" she said softly.
'Bad, thought Toby. 'Bad. Try anything except bad. Try amazing, try beautiful. Try sexy. Anything except bad.' Out loud he said, "No CJ, you don't look bad" he said, his voice full of emotion.'
CJ looked up at him and for a moment she could see Toby Ziegler: the real one. Not the persona he had created. Then it was gone, and the persona slipped back into place.
OK." He said, clearing his throat. "How do we do this."
"Well, I figured if you help me pull my arms through and loop it over my head, we should be ok."
"Sounds simple enough."
CJ held her arms out in front of her and Toby pushed her top through. He looked down and could see the bandages running across her stomach. Without thinking, he reached down and ran his finger across it gently.
"Does it still hurt?" he asked, his voice husky.
"Yeah." CJ replied, shuddering at his touch.
Toby pulled his hand back, shocked at what he had just done. Her skin was so smooth, so soft. Exactly the way he had remembered it.
Then he remembered why he was there and he pulled the back part of her top over her head and smoothed it down. CJ did the same with the front half and their hands met at the top of her hips.
"Sorry." CJ said instinctively.
"It's Ok. Shall we go?"
"Yeah." CJ smiled and reached for her coat. What the hell is wrong with me she wondered. Toby's been my friend for over 15 years, so why do I feel like a teenager every time he looks at me? Why does my skin burn every time he touches me? I'm sure it's just me. Toby's barely looked at another woman since Andi.
"You ready?" Toby asked.
CJ nodded and practically ran out of the house, so happy to be outside. The crisp night air felt blissful after being cooped up for so long. She looked over to see Toby watching her.
"What?"
"Nothing. It's just nice to see you looking so happy.
Yeah, well. Enforced rest is not good."
Toby felt something inside of him change. "God, CJ" he said, his voice low and harsh. "You were shot. This isn't some slight illness like the measles!" he yelled.
CJ stared at him, shock registering on her face. "I know that Toby. I know. I'm the one with a really nice scar across my stomach! I'm the one who freaks out when a car backfires. I'm the one with the nightmares!" she yelled back, tears pouring unashamedly down her face.
Only Toby could make her react like that. She would only-could only- cry in front of Toby. Everyone else would have seen her react without emotion. She swiped her tears away with the back of her hand, angry at herself. Angry at Toby for making her this way.
Toby stared at her, intensely, then he quietly spoke.
"You think you're only one with the nightmares CJ? You think that I didn't- that I don't- experience them? Do you think that you're the only one to see it happening all the time when you close you eyes? I saw you, CJ," Toby said, his voice rising: full of pain. "I saw you, lying on your office floor, blood pouring out of you. I was the one who sat with you for two days, unable to move because I was too scared that you would leave me if I did. I was the one who prayed the every single deity that you would come back to me!"
He broke off, his voice reverberating through the quiet streets, the lump in this throat making it hard to speak. The silence that followed was deafening. Toby turned away, his back towards CJ.
CJ crossed the space between them instantly.
"I'm sorry" she whispered from behind him and pulled him close, her chest hugging his back.
Toby turned around to face her and wrapped his arm around her. "It's ok." he said softly. "I shouldn't have said anything."
CJ pulled back and lifted his head. "No, you should have. At least now I know how everyone else feels. I'm glad I'm not alone." she admitted.
"You were never alone, CJ" Toby said softly. "Never."
CJ murmured her thanks against his shoulder, until Toby pulled away, all too aware of where they were, and who she was.
"So," he asked, trying to be nonchalant. "How do you feel about going back to work?"
CJ grinned. "I'm really looking forward to it. I feel like I've lost about 12 brain cells sitting at home watching daytime television. And I'm so glad Josh hasn't even thought about entering my press room."
"He nearly did." Toby said.
"What happened?"
"Threat of bodily harm from the President, I believe." Toby replied, deadpan.
"Good." CJ said simply, a grin curling the edges of her lips.
They walked through the park, just talking, until Toby started to fidget.
"Toby." CJ warned.
"CJ" He moaned back. "I'm sorry but I really hate the outdoors. Can we please go back?"
CJ pursed her lips and pulled her coat around her. "Ok, but we have to walk slowly home."
Toby groaned. "Ok, OK." he acquiesced.
She looked over at him, mock horror on her face. "What, no complaints, no heavy sighs." she teased.
He shrugged. "It doesn't seem important, and well, it's good to see you smiling again."
"Thanks, Toby." CJ said quietly.
Three days later CJ woke at 6am and was ready for work by 6:45. Despite all her protestations Toby said that he was going to drive her into work. She had tried to stop him, until Leo issued a strong warning telling her that if she didn't come in with Toby, he would send her straight home again.
She looked around her apartment, packing her briefcase. Then, from outside, she heard a car beep twice. Toby, she realized, looking at her watch. 7am. Punctual to a fault. CJ took one last look around, grabbed her briefcase and shut the door behind her.
"Morning, CJ." Toby said, as though this was any normal day.
"Hi Toby."
"Are you ok with going back to work today?"
"Yeah." CJ replied, far too happily.
Toby knew her tone was forced, but said nothing. He drove in silence to the White House, but half way there, he looked over to see CJ's hands moving nervously. He reached over and clasped them.
"It's going to be alright. Trust me."
"Yeah, I know." she answered.
CJ swiped her card and signed herself in. The guard on duty smiled, "Good morning Ms. Cregg, it's nice to see you back."
CJ smiled. "Thanks Mark. It's good to be back."
Toby walked with CJ down the corridor to her office. Suddenly there was the sound of running footsteps behind them. Toby whirled around and pulled CJ to him instinctively.
Joshua Lyman came running down the hallway, knocking CJ and causing her to stumble. Toby held onto her tighter.
"Josh!" Toby yelled angrily.
Josh turned around. "Hi CJ, sorry CJ. Hi Toby." He said without thinking.
CJ and Toby looked at each other, and both started to silently count. 'one, two, three, four...'
"CJ." said Josh, screeching to a halt.
"Hello Joshua." she replied.
"CJ, CJ." Josh repeated.
"Yes, Josh, that's my name." CJ grinned, teasing him.
Josh walked back to where both of them were standing. "It's really good to have you back. Although I was looking forward to today's 2 o'clock briefing." he said deadpan.
"Not ever, Joshua Lyman. Not if you value your life." CJ replied warningly, taking a deliberate step towards him.
Josh grinned, and held his hands up in mock surrender.
"I won't go anywhere near the press room. I promise. I have to go, I've got a meeting with Senator Patterson" and he turned and left.
"Let me know how it goes!" Toby shouted down the hallway.
"Yeah!" Josh shouted back, waving in acknowledgment.
They continued to walk down the hall, Toby still hadn't removed his arm from around CJ's waist. When they reached her office, Toby stepped back, letting her enter. Instead CJ just stood there, at the doorway, not moving.
"CJ." Toby said tentatively.
"It smells strange." she said softly.
"Yeah. It's the carpet and the paint."
"I can't go in." she said quietly, half in realization, half in admittance.
Toby looked at her and saw the fear in her eyes.
"I'm just there." CJ said, pointing. "And I just can't..." she trailed off, unable to articulate the thoughts and feelings that were running through her head. "I can't go in." she repeated.
"Ok" Toby replied. "What do you need from in here?"
"My blue file and all the morning's newspapers."
Toby nodded and took a deep breath, inhaling the distinct smell of fresh paint. He stepped into her office trying not to remember CJ lying on the floor. He reached up for her blue file and grabbed the newspapers from her desk. He shut the door behind him as he left.
"Come on." He said, walking away.
"Where are we going?" CJ asked.
"Where else?" Toby said, surprised she hadn't figured it out. "My office."
"Morning Ginger." Toby called out as they entered the bullpen.
"Hey Toby, Hey CJ." Ginger replied looking up.
"Ginger, CJ's going to be working in my office today, so can you get all her calls transferred to here."
"No problem. I'll let Carol's replacement know."
CJ looked at Ginger. "Carol. Is she ok?"
"Yeah" Ginger replied, half smiling. "The President gave her time off after.. And she's been talking to Donna, so she's doing Ok. She's not perfect, but she's ok."
"Thanks Ginger." CJ said sincerely.
"No problem."
Sam came in two hours later after his meeting on the Hill over the Clean Air Bill that the White House was trying to get support for.
"Hey Toby, " he called out, poking his head around the doorframe. He looked and saw CJ sitting on the sofa; briefing material surrounding her.
"Hey CJ. What are you doing here?"
"CJ didn't want to work in her office today." Toby replied pointedly.
"Sure." Sam said quietly. "No problem."
He looked at CJ, smiled and said "I'm just next door if he starts to bother you." and Sam jerked his finger in the direction of his office.
CJ smiled. "Thanks Spanky."
"How did the thing go, Sam?" Toby asked.
Sam sighed. "It went."
Toby sighed, and ran a hand over his head. "Yeah, like every other one."
"Yeah."
"Ok. Is there anything else?"
"No."
"Leave then."
Sam nodded. "Ok." and closed the office door behind him and smiled.
Toby went back to reading Sam's draft of the President's speech to Car manufacturers in the South. After about 10 minutes, he started to groan.
CJ looked up. "What?"
"Nothing. Sam and his punctuation, that's all. I swear I'm going to buy that boy a grammar book." He said exasperatingly.
CJ smiled. "We can't all be like you, Mr. 'I know all 14 punctuation marks in the English grammar' Ziegler!"
Toby laughed and then grew serious as CJ winced. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I'm just sitting badly, that's all."
"You can stretch out if you want to." He replied, gesturing to the couch. "Although I think it will probably be a little bit too small for you." He grinned.
CJ shot him a look and stretched out, using the sofa as a chaise longue. She sat sideways, her body at right angles to Toby, her legs stretched out in front of her, her back against one of the sidearms. Her skirt rode up inches past her knees as she pulled her briefing notes from the floor and began to read.
Toby, on the other hand, had no intention of reading. He couldn't tear his eyes away from CJ. Or to be more specific: CJ's legs. They stretched on: long, tanned, supple and Toby felt his mind drifting. Wondering what it would be like to run his hands along them, feeling them wrap around him...
He stopped suddenly, remembering where he was and who she was. God Toby, he remonstrated himself. 'You're at work. Not in some seedy bar getting drunk with the nearest female.' And he shifted in his seat, uncomfortably.
CJ's head jerked up. "Something wrong?"
"No," Toby replied, hoping his voice sounded normal. "Everything's fine."
"Ok." and CJ went back to her reading.
About 10 minutes later, CJ looked at her watch. "Time to face the vultures." she said, getting up.
"What?"
"I have a briefing. You know, the usual 2 o'clock one."
"Are you serious?!" Toby practically shouted.
"Yes."
"CJ, you've just ..."
"recovered from major surgery?" she supplied.
"Yes!"
"Toby, I need to go in there and do this. To let them know that 'they' haven't won. That I'm not going to hide in a corner somewhere." she said passionately.
Toby looked at CJ and saw the fire in her eyes and in her voice. "Ok, but I'm walking you there."
CJ smiled. "Toby, you gentleman."
"Yeah. Don't let it get out. I have a reputation to uphold." he said gruffly and offered his arm to CJ.
"Your secret's safe with me Toby." CJ replied laughing as she entwined her am in his.
Toby walked with CJ to the briefing room. Just before he opened the door, he turned to her and asked: "Are you sure about this?"
"Yes." CJ answered firmly.
"Ok." and he opened the door.
CJ took a deep breath and walked in. "Hello you misanthropic lot." she called out. "Did you miss me?" and she smiled, knowing that this was where she belonged.
She looked up slightly and could see Toby standing at the back, a grin on his face. She smiled back, her eyes communicating to him: 'Thank you.' He must have understood, she realized, stunned, as he mouthed "You're welcome." and then left.
CJ stood, stunned for a second, until the professional in her took over. She started the briefing, barely aware of what she was actually saying. The questions followed, most of them concerned with the Clean Air Bill and the President's visit to the South that was scheduled to take place.
Walking through the corridor afterwards, all CJ could think about was Toby. His gaze, his smile. His love. God. His love. She stopped and leaned against the wall. Toby's love. For her? Could it be?.. Could she..? No, CJ shook her head internally, not wanting to walk a path she had put behind her years earlier. Toby doesn't care about me. Not the way that I care about him. Toby doesn't love me the way that I love him. He never noticed me 15 years ago and that's not going to change now. You're too old for fairy tales, Claudia Jean, she told herself firmly. But it didn't stop her subconscious from whispering: 'His love. Toby's love. For you.'
Later that day, Toby awoke at 2am, the incessant banging breaking through his sleep. He walked to the front door, reaching to grab the baseball bat that lay against the wall.
"For the love of god, what the hell do you want!" he roared.
"Toby." CJ's tremulous voice came from behind the door.
"CJ." Toby said surprised, and opened the door.
CJ stood on the doorstep, crying and shivering from the rain and the cold.
"I couldn't go home Toby" she said half crying, half hiccupping. "I was too scared. I mean, if I'm not safe in the White House, then where?'' she asked hysterically.
Toby pulled her in and shut the door. He pulled her into his embrace, not caring that his t-shirt was getting wet. All that mattered to him was CJ. He held her tighter, trying to transfer his warmth into her shivering body.
Minutes later, she started to calm down, Toby stroking her back reassuringly. He pulled her back to look at her, not releasing her from his embrace.
"You ok?" he asked gruffly, wiping her tears with his fingers.
CJ shuddered at the feeling of his hands on her. "Yeah." She stuttered back. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's Ok." and Toby led her over the sofa.
"Now I know how Josh felt." CJ whispered, half to herself.
Toby reached over and held her hand tightly. She didn't pull away. She needed to feel his touch now more than ever.
Then she looked down at his state of undress. Toby was wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and his CCNY t-shirt.
"Did I wake you?" she asked, knowing the answer already.
"Yeah."
"Sorry."
Toby shrugged. "You know me, complete insomniac anyways.
"You should sleep. I'll go home." CJ said, getting up to leave. All thoughts of being scared had been replaced by something much more frightening. Toby. And her love for him. Emotions that she had buried for so long were now rushing to the surface and she had no idea how to stop them.
"CJ, don't be stupid. Stay." Toby said, reaching for her. "The spare room just needs an extra blanket on it."
CJ swallowed. Sleeping barely feet away from Toby was not going to help. She was about to protest, but to her utter amazement she said: "You sure?"
"Yeah."
"Ok, thanks." And CJ walked into the spare room.
Toby followed moments later, going to fetch the extra blanket. He pulled one of his old shirts from his wardrobe and knocked on the door.
"CJ?"
"Yeah." she replied, opening it.
"Here's the blanket and something to sleep in" he said, handing both items to her.
"Thanks." CJ smiled, and impulsively leaned forward and kissed his forehead.
Toby could feel the heat rising in his face. Her simple kiss has evoked reactions that he had thought long buried. He looked at her and the dam inside of him broke. He knew he had to move, otherwise he never would.
"No problem." he said softly. "Goodnight CJ."
"Goodnight Toby." CJ replied, closing the door.
The next morning CJ awoke to the sound of someone knocking on the bedroom door. She groaned and looked around puzzled, unsure of her surroundings. Everything looked strange; yet vaguely comforting. Then she inhaled, and smelt the unmistakable smell of Toby's aftershave and cigar smoke. The events of last night came rushing back and she called out:
"Yeah Toby?"
"Can I come in?"
CJ pulled the blanket up. "Yeah."
Toby walked in, tray in hand.
"What's this?"
"Breakfast." he replied simply.
CJ looked down at the tray that Toby had placed on the bed. Croissants and a pot of hot black coffee stared back up at her.
She smiled. "You didn't have to do this."
Toby shrugged. "I wanted to. It's not often I have people to stay the night." Then he looked away, groaning internally. 'Great Toby, how desperate did that sound.'
CJ didn't comment. She knew no-one -at least no female- had been here since Andi had left. She reached over and placed her hand over Toby's.
"Wanna share?"
"What?" Toby said, her voice breaking his internal argument.
"Breakfast. Have some." and CJ broke off half her croissant and handed it to him.
"Thanks." Toby answered and poured the coffee.
"I could get used to this." CJ commented around a mouthful of food. Then she blushed, realizing where she was and who she was with. This was a one off. Toby would never bring her breakfast in bed again. And she felt a tightening in her chest that had nothing to do with her injury.
Toby laughed, breaking her thoughts. "What, get up late?"
"Yeah." she grinned.
He looked at his watch after pouring the last remnants of the coffee. "We should really get ready."
"Yeah. I need to go home and change." CJ replied, draining the last drop of her coffee. She flipped the blankets back and stood up. "Is it ok if I use the bathroom?"
Toby sat, stunned. His shirt barely covered her and her legs stretched on, endless. Visions of him and her together flashed through his mind, until he realized that he hadn't answered her.
"Sure. Go ahead." he replied, distractedly.
CJ smiled, noticing his reaction. "Thanks."
A while later, CJ sat on Toby's sofa waiting for him. She hadn't drove to Toby's last night so he was going to drop her off home before going to work. They stopped outside her apartment and CJ turned to Toby before she got out.
"Toby, I'll try to be in for the morning meeting but..."
"I'll tell Leo that you might be a little late." Toby interjected. "I'll see you later."
"Yeah. Thanks Toby. For everything." she added, seriously.
"Anytime." Toby replied softly.
CJ ran down the corridor, checking her watch as she went. The sight and sound of her running in a pair of three inch heels made everyone turn. Men in awe, women in admiration. She stopped outside Leo McGarry's office.
"Sorry I'm late Leo."
Leo looked up, then back down at his notes. "Yeah, no problem CJ"
"At least we don't have to worry about getting you a bell anymore!" Josh joked.
"Josh."
"Yeah?"
"Shut up."
"Ok."
CJ grinned.
"Ok, everyone," Leo said, breaking the banter. "What's going on today?"
"I've got a meeting with Katzenmoyer over the Clean Air bill." Josh said.
Sam spoke up: "Me and Toby have to finish the President's speech for the Southern Car manufacturers."
Toby smiled. "No, Sam. You're going to finish the speech. I have a delightful meeting with those democrats who are opposing NRA funding." and he rolled his eyes heavenwards.
"Ok. CJ?" Leo asked, looking at her.
"The press in still on about the shooting, and me, naturally. But I think the President's visit may take priority over the next few days."
"Is it bothering you?" Leo asked.
CJ shook her head. "It's fine. I've threatened to pull press privileges if anyone oversteps the mark." Once I've wiped the floor with them." she added, grinning.
Everyone laughed, except Toby who could see CJ's hands shaking as she spoke. He looked over and caught her eye. She looked down at her own hands, then back up at Toby. He smiled slightly, and said nothing. The relief in her eyes was unmistakable.
"Ok, that's all." Leo said, getting up and closing his briefing book. "Have a good day."
CJ walked towards her office and saw Carol sitting at her desk outside.
"Carol!" CJ exclaimed.
Carol looked up and smiled. "Hey boss. How are you?"
"Fine. You?"
"I'm Ok."
"Carol," CJ asked. "Are you sure you want to work today?"
'Truthfully." Carol replied. "I'd rather be on a desert island with Brad Pitt, but apparently that's not going to happen." She shrugged her shoulders, grinning.
CJ laughed. "Ok, give me the 10 minutes shout before the briefing."
"Yep." Carol replied, automatically, looking at the notes on her desk.
CJ turned and took a deep breath. This was the first time she had entered her office since the shooting. 'I can do this, she thought, her hand on the doorknob. I can. I'm stronger than this' and CJ stepped inside.
The smell of paint had gone and the carpet didn't seem as new as before. CJ looked over at her desk and saw the papers strewn about. Sitting down, she turned on CNN and reached for the morning papers. Slipping on her glasses, she began to read.
An hour later, CJ was interrupted by a knock on the door. Carol opened it and poked her head around.
"CJ?"
"It's time?"
"Yeah."
"Ok." CJ got up, grabbed her jacket and her notes for the briefing. Carol handed her the newest updates as they walked. CJ entered the press room her eyes darting across the room. She noticed the regular people and the newer members who would have to be introduced.
Then, at the back, she saw Toby. She smiled slightly, inclining her head towards him imperceptibility. Toby smiled and nodded in acknowledgement.
"Ok, guys. Let's start." CJ called out, standing on the podium.
Toby watched her, listening to the questions. If anyone started to ask CJ about the shooting again, then he was going to have a quiet shout at them afterwards.
None were forthcoming, however and CJ was right. The press was more concerned about the President's visit to the South.
Ten minutes into the briefing, Toby left and met Sam by the door.
"Everything ok?" Sam asked.
"Yeah." Toby replied.
"Good." Sam said firmly and walked away.
"Sam!" Toby called out. "The speech."
"It's nearly done." Sam shouted back.
"Get it finished." Toby shouted as he walked into the Roosevelt room.
"Ok, Toby said as entered. "We're here to discuss why none of you sitting here are art lovers." he said without preamble.
The senators looked at each other, surprised. "It's not like that Toby."
"Yeah," Toby said dismissively. "Whatever."
Three hours later, Toby walked out happy.
"Hey, how did it go?" CJ called from behind him.
"It's done." he replied simply.
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Great" CJ said, smiling.
Toby walked into his office, CJ close on his heels. "How was your day?" he asked her softly.
"Ok. It was strange being back in my office " she admitted.
"Yeah." Toby agreed quietly. "You know where I am if..."
CJ smiled slightly. "I know."
Toby looked at her and opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it without making a sound. However, CJ saw him.
"What?"
"Hmm."
"You were going to say something."
"It's nothing."
"Ok," CJ replied, not believing him. She turned and walked towards the door. Her hand was on the door handle when Toby spoke:
"CJ, do you want to go out?"
She turned back, facing him. "For dinner?"
"Yeah, well breakfast was nice, so I figured dinner would be the next step."
CJ said nothing, her heart pounding in her chest. She didn't want to misread the signals from him.
"Toby, are you asking me out on a date?" she asked quietly.
Toby looked down at his desk, frightened and embarrassed in equal measure.
"Yeah CJ," he replied in the same tone. "I am."
CJ said nothing for a moment and he was about to speak up when she smiled.
"Ok Toby. I'd love to."
He looked up, and smiled. 'Ok. Tonight at 7? I'll pick you up. Is Italian Ok?"
CJ smiled. "Yeah to both questions." She paused. "I have to go."
She closed the door behind her, and heard Toby exhale. What Toby didn't see however, was the smile that spread over CJ's face. 'Toby just asked me out. On a date.' and she smiled like a teenager again. Her subconscious repeated the words a little more forcefully. His love. Toby's love. For you.'
Back in his office Toby's hand reached for the phone and dialed a number he had memorized. Baggini's was one of Washington's foremost and well respected Italian restaurants. After 10 minutes of speaking to the manager, Toby had secured a table for 8 o'clock that night.
He replaced the receiver and glanced at the clock. 2pm. Only 5 hours to go. He sighed heavily and sat down to write. However, after 5 minutes he threw his pen down in disgust. He wasn't thinking. All he could see was CJ: her smile, her acceptance and the way she had looked that morning, his shirt accentuating everything she kept hidden.
At 6, Toby got up to leave.
"Hey Ginger, do you know if CJ has left yet?" he asked, trying to sound uninterested.
Ginger looked up, and smiled at her boss. "Yeah, Carol said she left about half an hour ago."
"Ok. Go home Ginger."
"You sure?" Going home before 7 was unheard of. Especially when Toby Ziegler was your boss.
"Would you like to stay longer" Toby asked, a hint of humour belying the seriousness of his question.
Ginger took the hint. "No, no. I'm going. Have a good evening."
"Thanks." Toby smiled. "You too."
Toby drove home, full of anticipation over tonight. He knew that Baggini's had a strict dress code and had intimated as such to CJ. After he had showered, he pulled on a pair of black trousers, white shirt and tie. Not quite a tuxedo, but close enough. He stood back to look at himself and nodded, satisfied.
Toby looked at his watch: 6:45. He grabbed his overcoat and car keys and set off to CJ's. On the way there, Toby started thinking about CJ. About the shooting. It was last night that he had awoke, the nightmares shooting sweat down his spine. He realized how close he had came to losing her. After 15 years of conversations, friendship, failed relationships and marriages he had never told her that he loved her.
His heart started beating wildly in his chest. 'Why, after all this time, am I acting like a guy on my first date. He wondered. I wasn't even this anxious before my wedding to Andi'. Because you never loved Andi the way you love CJ' his subconscious whispered and he physically nodded at the realization.
He pulled up at CJ's apartment and rang the doorbell. CJ answered it and Toby was left speechless.
CJ stood in the doorway, a brown suede skirt swirled around her, stopping about 2 inches above her knee. The purple halter top left Toby gasping when she turned around to show an expanse of pale, alabaster skin.
CJ smiled, noticing his reaction. "You like it, I presume?"
"Yeah," Toby croaked. "You look beautiful." he said sincerely.
"Thank you." CJ replied. "You look very handsome yourself."
Toby shuffled his feet, embarrassed. "Thanks. Shall we go?"
"Ok." and CJ grabbed her coat.
"So," she asked once they were ensconced in a booth in their favourite bar. "Where are you taking me?"
"It's a surprise." Toby replied enigmatically.
"Toby." CJ warned
"CJ." Toby said in the same tone.
She sat back. "It's ok. I can wait."
At 7:30, Toby drained the last mouthful from his scotch. "CJ,'' he said, interrupting her.
"Yeah?"
"We have to go."
"Ok." and CJ got up.
Toby placed her coat around her shoulders and left his hands there for a moment too long. CJ turned her head, their mouths barely inches away from each other. CJ could smell the scotch on Toby's breath. She raised her eyes and they found Toby's. She could see the love, the fear, the desire reflected in them.
Toby looked back and saw CJ's soul. Her fire, her passion. Her love. He blinked, and the moment dissipated.
"Ready?" he asked, hoping that CJ wouldn't notice his voice cracking.
"Yeah." she replied, her mouth dry.
The taxi drove up one of Washington's most exclusive streets. Suddenly the car stopped and CJ looked up at the restaurant. Seeing the name above the door, she gasped.
"Toby" she said turning, only to find he wasn't sitting next to her.
Toby had already paid the driver and was in the process of opening CJ's door for her.
"CJ," he asked. "Are you coming?"
She nodded, stepping out of the car. "Toby, how did you get... I mean, this is Baggini's" she said in awe.
"I presume you approve, then." he said tentatively.
"Yeah. Definitely." She replied, smiling.
"Ok." Toby said quietly, feeling his shoulders relax.
Inside the Maitre D' directed them to their table. Toby sat, his back to the wall, facing the rest of the patrons. CJ sat opposite him, her back to them. Toby fidgeted, feeling insecure.
"Are you ok?" CJ asked.
"Yeah." he replied.
CJ smiled. "Toby, it's me. CJ. I promise I'm not going to hurt you." she said grinning.
Toby relaxed, a smile tugging at his lips. "Ok."
They ate their meals in silence, both famished after the day at work. By the fifth glass of wine the conversation was flowing. Toby was looking at CJ's laughing face so he didn't register the man that practically ran across the restaurant. His head jerked up: past CJ and she looked around, puzzled. Toby saw the man running towards her and instinct overtook. Within seconds, he was out of his chair and had placed himself in front of CJ.
"Ms. Cregg?" the gentleman asked.
"Who wants to know." Toby growled.
The man took a step back as Toby felt a hand on his shoulder: CJ.
"Yes. And you are..?" she spoke up.
"Todd Miller. I'm a junior reporter for the Washington Times. I saw that you were here and I just wanted to come over and say 'hi'." He said, half full of confidence and fear as he looked at Toby's darkening face.
CJ maneuvered herself from behind Toby and extended her hand. "Hi, it's nice to meet you."
Todd blushed. "Uh, thanks. You too. I'd better go.." he trailed off, embarrassed.
"Yeah." Toby said. "Good idea."
Todd took one look at Toby and excused himself.
CJ glared at Toby but didn't say anything until they were seated.
"What the hell was that?" she asked, her voice low and angry.
"What?" Toby replied, puzzled.
"You. Then. With the guy."
"He could have been anyone, CJ. All I saw was someone running towards you. What was I supposed to think?" Toby asked, passionately.
"Not everyone wants to shoot me, Toby." CJ replied exasperatingly.
"Somebody did." Toby said quietly.
CJ ran her hand across her stomach subconsciously. "I know." She paused. "Can we go?"
Toby glanced up and saw the pain in her eyes.
"Yeah." he said quietly, knowing he had ruined the evening. "Sure."
Toby dropped CJ off at her apartment and stood at her doorstep awkwardly.
"Bye CJ. I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah Toby." CJ said wearily. "Bye."
Toby nodded and turned and walked down the stairs. He stood in the street, looking up at CJ's apartment. The light clicked on and he smiled, knowing that she was safe.
CJ stripped off her clothes and jumped into the shower. The date replayed itself like a video clip in her head. Everything was going really well until Todd Miller showed up. God, she thought angrily. Toby was really out of line with him. Then Toby's voice ran through her head. 'What was I supposed to think, CJ?' and she saw Toby standing in front of her, placing himself between her... and...
CJ gasped, realizing what Toby had done. He was right. She didn't know and Toby had stood in front of her. Protected her. And she had belittled that. CJ put her head in her hands in shame.
Her hand shot out and reached for her phone. Toby's voice came back seconds later.
"Yeah CJ?"
"Toby" she said, her voice coming out in a rush. "There was
something that I forgot to say."
"What?"
"Thank you." she said softly.
Toby was silent on the other end of the phone; a smile spreading across his face. "You're welcome CJ. Is everything alright?" he asked gently.
CJ nodded, automatically. 'Yeah," she replied, her throat closing up. "Goodnight Toby."
"Goodnight Claudia Jean" he said softly and replaced the receiver.
CJ sat like that, the phone still against her ear. Hearing Toby's voice, until the dull monotone of the phone invaded her senses.
The next morning at staff, CJ avoided Toby's gaze. She hadn't slept, the nightmares taunting her. The shooting. Then Toby. Then the two would meld and it was Toby lying on the floor- not her. She had awoken at 4 am, screaming. Her hand had darted out instinctively towards the phone before she realized that she couldn't call him.
After staff, CJ walked to her office in record time. Damn him! she thought. Damn him for caring. Damn me for caring too much. She ran her hand across her face and grimaced at her reflection. She stood up and walked towards the bullpen.
"Hey Ginger. Is he in?"
Ginger nodded. "Yeah."
"Thanks." and CJ walked into Toby's office without knocking.
She was about to speak, but Toby spoke first. "You know its customary to knock before entering." he said, relaxed.
CJ's fear manifested itself into anger. "Screw it." She replied angrily, her voice in direct contrast to his.
Toby blinked, but said nothing. He was simply looking at her. Realizing what he may have lost in her.
CJ threw her hands up in desperation. "What the hell is going on with us Toby?!" she practically yelled.
"What do you mean?" he asked, afraid of her answer.
"For god sakes, Toby! You. Me" She gestured wildly with her hands, too angry to talk properly. Too scared that she would admit that she was in love with him, and too scared that he wouldn't feel the same way.
"Ok." Toby said, standing. His voice rising to meet hers. "Let's talk about last night!"
He looked out of his office window to see Ginger and Bonnie staring at each other, openmouthed. He marched over and opened the door, shouted: "Don't you two have anything to do?!"
The two women looked at each other and grabbed the nearest files before fleeing. Toby walked back in and shut the door, pulling the blinds close.
He turned around and realized that CJ was no longer standing by his desk. Instead, she was sitting on his couch.
"I do want to talk about last night." she admitted quietly.
"Yeah."
"I didn't realize what you did last night until afterwards and I'm sorry Toby." CJ said softly, looking him squarely in the eyes. "And you were right. I didn't know who he was. But you put yourself between me and him. Why?" she asked quietly.
Toby ran his hand across his head. How could he explain instinct. How could he tell her that if anything had happened to her, he wouldn't- couldn't- forgive himself.
"I don't know." He finally admitted. "Maybe because of before.." his voice trailed off, inarticulate. "I just knew I had to protect you." He said finally, quietly.
"Ok." CJ replied, softly, understanding.
"Are we going to be Ok?" Toby asked tentatively, his eyes somber, afraid of what her answer would be.
CJ sighed. "Yeah, Toby. We're fine."
"Ok. I have work."
"Me too. I'll see you later?"
"Yeah." Toby nodded and let CJ leave.
Toby closed the door and breathed deeply. He had realized last night how close he had came to losing her. Not physically, but mentally; emotionally. He was tired of playing the game, tired of hiding his feelings from her. But he was too afraid. Afraid of her answer and losing the best friendship of his adult life. Toby closed his eyes and felt the weight of the world settle on his shoulders for a minute. Then he straightened up, sat down and began to read.
Back in her office CJ had re-read the same paragraph three times. Her mind was drifting back to Toby's office. She saw the fear in his eyes over the guy last night. The hurt at her response. But there was something else. Something like relief when she said that they were still friends. CJ looked out the window, picturing Toby's face and wondering, hoping that what she also saw was love. Not platonic love, but Toby's love. For her.
Toby walked past CJ's office hours later. Her door was slightly open and Toby could hear the television commentary in the background.
"CJ?" he asked.
"Yeah Toby."
Can I come in?"
CJ sighed. "If I said no, you'd probably just come in anyways."
"Ok." He replied quietly and walked away.
CJ jumped out of her seat hearing Toby's retreating footsteps.
"Toby!" she called out. "Toby. I was joking. It's ok" and she smiled. "I think that's the first time you've ever listened to me." CJ laughed.
"I always listen CJ." Toby replied seriously, shifting the bantering mood towards something much more heartfelt.
CJ nodded. "What's wrong?"
Toby looked at his feet. After the disastrous evening that they had had, Toby doubted that CJ would ever want to go out with him again.
"I've been thinking.."
"Should I write this down?" She interjected.
Toby closed his eyes, trying not to shout. "CJ." he sighed.
CJ saw the pain in his face. "I'm sorry." she said quietly.
"Well, after last night, I was wondering if you would like to go out again. To start afresh. I promise not to get angry at anybody who comes up to you."
CJ looked at him skeptically. "Really. I'll believe that when it happens."
"It will." He replied confidently. "Because I'm going to cook."
CJ tried hard not to laugh. "You. Cook. Toby you don't cook- we order out. Always have."
"I can cook, CJ. It's one of my hidden qualities."
"Very hidden."
"CJ" Toby said, sighing, wanting to know the answer but not wanting to ask the question again.
"Yes Toby." CJ replied quietly.
"Ok. Tonight?"
CJ nodded in the affirmative.
"9 o'clock?"
"Can we make it about 10. I have a late briefing and some notes to look over."
He nodded. "Yeah."
"Thanks."
For a moment, no-one moved. Toby kept looking at CJ, trying not to let the image that still haunted him run through his head. He cleared his throat.
"I should go," he said, jerking his head behind him.
CJ nodded and smiled, just as monosyllabic as he was.
"I'll see you tonight?" Toby asked, with just a hint of trepidation in his voice.
CJ smiled, wider this time. "Yeah Toby."
He nodded once, and walked out of CJ's office. It was only after he had closed his office door that he allowed himself to smile.
By 7pm Toby had finished for the day. He left Sam's speech on his desk, along with the usual corrections and ideas. By the time he had arrived home, Toby had mentally prepared what to cook, and set to work with precision. He may had laughed with CJ over Julia Childs, but he did pick up some lessons along the way.
He set the table and lit some candles giving the room an ethereal glow. He had just drained the pasta when the doorbell rang.
"Hi."
"Hi." CJ replied. "Can I come in?" she asked as Toby made no move to step back.
"Yeah, sorry." and Toby followed CJ's silhouette as she walked. She took her coat off to reveal a chocolate brown skirt and cream top.
"Dinner won't be long." Toby called out from within the kitchen.
There was a long pause and no answer.
"CJ?" He called out, walking out to see where she was.
CJ was standing at the door of the dining room, looking at the sight in front of her. The candles danced, painting shadows across the wall and her face.
"Why are you doing this Toby?" she asked, looking into the room.
Toby looked down, trying to formulate his thoughts. "Can you remember how we met?"
CJ blinked at the non-sequitur. "Yeah, I was working for EMILY's list and you for a Californian Congressman."
"Congressman Edwards." he supplied.
"Yeah. He was looking to help his female running mate win her seat. Toby, what has this got to do with us?" CJ said, looking at him.
"Everything." Toby said softly and met CJ's gaze.
CJ looked back and saw Toby's eye flash with love, with desire. She couldn't say anything, the words caught in her throat, unable to squeeze past the lump that had formed. It took her a minute to realize that Toby was still speaking.
"You were like no-one I had ever met before. Tall, elegant, beautiful, forthright, opinionated. He smiled, remembering.
"Yeah, we had some good arguments." CJ said, smiling.
"Then when Congressman Edwards lost, we stopped seeing each other. All the meetings, the dinners, everything. It just stopped."
"I know. I missed that. After I moved to a different client. All the dinners, the late night bar chats. I missed you." CJ admitted softly.
"I fell in love with you then." Toby admitted into the darkness.
"What?"
"I don't know" he shrugged, trying to find words for emotions and feelings he had kept hidden for so long. "I was 12 years older than you were. I was a professional political consultant and a man who knew far too much about Californian drinking laws. You were barely out of Berkeley and could have had any man you wanted.
"What if I had wanted you?" CJ asked softly.
"It would have never worked." Toby said easily, after a lifetime of repeating it to himself.
"Why?"
"I hated California. I hate the outdoors. You thrive on it."
CJ laughed. "Toby, I've spent the last 3 years working a 70 hour week in an office!"
"Still," Toby continued. "There was my cynicism, your optimism..."
Toby," CJ interrupted him. "Are you saying this things because you no longer care about me, or are you saying them because you haven't stopped caring about me?"
"I think I don't want you to care about me." he admitted.
He ran his hand across his head. "CJ, I'm not the greatest person in the world to be with. Ask Andi."
"I did. Or rather, she told me." CJ said, surprising him.
Over his shocked look, she continued. "We met in a bar after work. Purely by accident. I know why she calls you Pokey." CJ said, teasingly.
Toby blushed. "Was that all she talked about?" he asked, horrified that Andi had been discussing their sex life with CJ.
"No, that's not all she said. She said that you were cynical, overbearing and domineering."
"You see.." Toby started to speak, but CJ placed her finger on his lips to silence him.
"I told her she was wrong. I told her that Toby Ziegler was moral, compassionate, brilliant, articulate, intelligent and ....."
"And what?"
"And the person I love." CJ said, looking at Toby, her mouth barely inches from his. He could feel the breath on his cheek.
"CJ" Toby moaned, fighting the urge to pull her towards him.
CJ leaned forward and kissed him: gently, tentatively. Two friends trying to forage their way into unknown territory. Toby wrapped his arms around her, deepening the kiss. She ran her hands across his back and he moaned, holding her flush against him, swallowing her groans.
They broke off, gasping for air.
Toby smiled from his eyes, then from his mouth, and took her hand in his and raised it to his lips, kissing it gently.
"I love you, Claudia Jean."
"CJ smiled, tears welling up in her eyes. "I love you too, Toby."
"Now, is there anything else you do really well, apart from kiss." She asked, teasing him.
"Yeah," Toby growled, pulling her close. "But you're going to have to wait to find out." he said huskily.
"How long?" CJ asked, with mock innocence.
"About an hour." Toby replied as he lead her into his bedroom.