The road to the Mines of Moria was well, a road. I always thought that they
had just magically came down from the snowy Misty Mountains and stepped
into the Moria wall entrances. But alas, I was finding out a LOT more about
Lord of the Rings and Tolkien's world than I expected.
For instance, when you had to pee, well, to put it this way-at least the bushes get watered. And same with solid waste (I'm sure you don't need me to expand on that). I guessed the plants in Middle-Earth were very well watered and fertilized.
We were currently walking across a lovely piece of terrain. Behind us, the great Cahadras loomed. I didn't even want to look back to avoid arousing those awful, dreaded memories of bitter snow and coldness. Instead, I scurried along Frodo Baggins, who was definitely starting to get scared of me.
"Hiya, Frodo!" I chirped.
"H-hello."
"Why the long face? Even longer than Liv Tyler's."
"I'm carrying the fate of the world on my neck, if you'd really like to know," he said tartly.
"That's nice to know." I sighed. "We all have to do it sometime. Hey, have you ever heard of a person called Elijah Wood?"
"No, I do not think so," he said, wrinkling his brow. "I do not usually associate with Big People. Why do you ask?"
"Because you're played by him in the movie!"
"What moovee?"
"You've talked to Aragorn, haven't you?" I sighed when he nodded. "Now you're doing it, too." I left him standing there very confused. He wasn't much of a talker anyway, so I crept up to ol' Gandalf.
"Hiya, Gandalf!"
"What is it, Evelyn?"
"Are we there yet?" I whined. "I'm hungry." I wasn't really, but just said it for the sake of saying annoying things.
"No. We're not. We just had breakfast!."
I scurried alongside him for a couple of minutes, then spoke again.
"Now are we there yet?"
"No."
A few more minutes.
"Are we there yet?"
"No."
"Now?"
Gandalf stopped and glared at me. Then, he exploded. Literally. Well, not literally, but really close to the point of literalness. I'm not sure if that's even a word. Anyway-
"NO WE'RE NOT!!!! NOW HUSH AND STOP BOTHERING ME!" He roared, turning a lovely shade of azure.
"My, my," I sighed and shook my head. "Okay, one more thingy, alright?"
"What?" he asked irritably.
"Mellon."
"What?"
"MellonmellonmellonmellonMELLONMELLON!!!" I shrieked happily. "MELL. ON. MELLO. EN. M. Ellon. MEELOOOOOOO-"
"Go," he interrupted, growling in a dangerously low tone that made even Woody Allen's voice seem attractive. He pointed an old, crinkled finger at the end of the line. Gandalf looked pretty pissed off, so I obeyed him (for once).
"Whatever," I muttered as I headed back behind Frodo. "It's just for future reference."
~
At home, I had the Lord of the Rings leather collection, a huge red book that weighed a million pounds and was covered with chocolate stains from all those lovely Saturday afternoons, when I gorged myself with Hershey bars and read the books over and over again. Anyway, the map at the back wasn't usually regarded, because I liked to use my own imagination to visualize all the places and terrain and stuff. Only a faint memory of the biggest and most essential places was in my head, such as Gondor, Mirkwood, Lorien and the Shire. So, of course, I had absolutely NO idea where we were on the first real day with the Fellowship.
Things were turning out pretty miserably. I was still hungry, and my legs ached from walking for four hours straight. An uncomfortable blanket of humidity hung in the air, and I SWORE I could see the droplets of sweat form on the back of Frodo's neck as I trudged along.
Steeper and steeper the road became, and I realized that we were heading underground. Passing through countless forests, fields, "shortcuts" (pah) and whatnot, I got a pretty nice tour of Middle-Earth. Except I was stuck on this tour with a bunch of loonies and the hottest guy alive. Part good, part bad.
So, while passing through a very small woodland area, I broke into song.
"May it BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, and evening STARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shines DOWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN upon YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. May it BEEEEEE-"
"Argh! Stop it!" Gimli shrieked dirtily (word?), covering his dirty ears with his dirty fingers.
"Oh shut up," I snapped. "You're just jealous of my melodically-gifted voice."
But for the rest of the day, I sulked.
~
After 92642842100036 hours, 21931523rk0136-28912nkd911r3vsn miles and 38 "shut up!"'s, we approached Moria. I wasn't exaggerating. Well, kind of. But not THAT much. The 38 part was true. That day, my self-esteem had dropped by 27%. And yes, I had actually taken the TIME to figure that out, because of all the frikin' walking. And I figured out lotsa other stuff too, like:
Gandalf's beard grows about a millimeter every 29461 steps he takes An average of 29 ants get squashed every minute by the Nine alone It had been an estimated 7 years since Frodo took his last bath.
So, when dusk settled over and the sky filled with a flaming crimson color, the road became darker. Huge boulders, stones and tiny pebbles (they made good slingshots with my broken hair-tie but Gandalf eventually noticed me flinging them in Aragorn's greasebag hair) started to block our path. The night air was cold, and I shivered with every step. Behind me, the hobbits groaned constantly from weariness and even Legolas looked a bit worn. Which made him look even more adorable, of course.
The great grey walls of Moria, as we neared the entrance, were absolutely colossal. Sheer and ancient, all of our mouths dropped open in amazement, except for Gimli, who was smirking ("See? Much more impressive than the stupid ELVISH craft!" he had exclaimed, receiving dirty looks from both Legolas and me). Gandalf, being the stupid old git he was, eventually found the gate with all the moonlight gibberish and tried all his spells and chants. I watched the wizard for a while, bemused. After about a quarter hour's worth of 'Heime bar normahencien quepnrienxhez!'s, he finally gave up and sat down beside me, deflated.
The realization suddenly struck me. I could totally change EVERYTHING. I knew what was going to happen, but what if-what if I could alter it so things were easier? I toyed around with the idea in my head. What would be better, seeing everything happen the way it was in real life, or making my own adventure? I needed to talk to someone about this. But there was nobody to speak to.
By now, Aragorn was already speaking to Sam about Bill, and I could practically see the nerves in Merry's fingers itching to do something about his boredom. Almost in slow-motion, he picked up a nearby pebble, rolled it around with his thumb and forefinger for a while and chucked it into the black murky water of the lake. Unaware to anyone but myself, I noticed a small bubble rise to the surface and silently pop where the stone had landed in the black lake. I started panicking. What was I supposed to do?????
Merry picked up another stone, bigger, this time.
"Stop!" A voice called. My voice. He stopped and looked at me, surprised.
"Stop," I repeated, taking a deep breath. "You're disturbing the water. Save the whales. Whatever. Just-just stop throwing." A silence followed, but I caught Aragorn giving me a look of admiration for my 'wisdom words' (that I actually stole from HIS mouth). I turned to Gandalf.
"Mellon," I whispered. The grinding of stone hurt my ears as the huge, beautiful entrance of Moria opened up like a blossoming stone flower (??). Anyway, another moment of silence passed, and a whole lot of jaws dropped to the ground, which gave me the perfect opportunity to check out Legolas' dental trait. Perfect, of course. They were neat rows of white pearly teeth against healthy-looking gums.
Gandalf stared at me with wide eyes and a genuine expression of gratitude, before he spoke.
"Well, Evelyn," he said, slowly standing up and putting on his hat, "You are full of surprises for such a silly girl."
"How did you know the password?" Sam asked.
"Oh, well, er-" I stalled. If I told them the truth, they'd seriously think me a nutcase, so I made up a lame excuse of coincidental guessing. Everyone seemed to have believed me, except for Aragorn and Gandalf, who were looking at me with still-awed expressions. Legolas had on a faint smirk of amusement as he started gathering up the packs.
"You guys, stop looking at me like that," I said, feeling both extremely joyous and I-want-to-run-and-hide-in-the-corner-and-twiddle-my-thumbs embarrassed.
I then stylishly picked up my bag, slung it over my shoulder like a model (believe me, I had lots of practice) and strutted into the ebony Moria entrance, wanting to look feminine and graceful and intelligent and beautiful and wise and-
At the last minute, I saw the stone ledge, but it was way too late. I suddenly went sprawling through the air (cursing rapidly in German, Japanese, Hawaiian and whatever other curse words I knew in foreign languages) [1], and was airborne for about 2 seconds, and then gravity stepped in and dragged me down. By my butt. I landed in a heap of miserable old yucky bones, and wailed loudly as the smirks and giggles started rolling in from the mouths of Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir. Tears welled in my eyes and I flushed red with embarrassment. Still, I turned quickly to evade their notice and wiped the tears of anguish away.
"Hey," I snapped angrily. "At least we're IN this freaking tomb and not out there with the Watcher of the Water!" I stood up from the pile of bones, and Gandalf flashed his light at me, temporarily depriving me of sight. Several gasps rang out and echoed in the huge black chamber illuminated by Gandalf's light. I saw Boromir's expression change from humored to astonished.
"What?" I shrieked after a long pause, suddenly feeling very self- conscious.
Boromir's finger pointed at the rubble beneath my feet, and he stammered out the words.
"H-h-h-how d-did you p-p-per-per-perceive this place as a t-t-tomb? You couldn't have seen the bones in the dark!"
It was this moment that I realized Boromir's vulnerable characteristic (besides corruption, of course). I guess in the movie, it wasn't emphasized. But he had a fear of tombs. I could tell by the unmasked horror and placidness of his face. Dude, the guy was claustrophobic!
I grinned.
Gandalf, upon missing what had happened by seeing Bill the pony off, entered the scene. He saw me, scratched and bleeding from the fall, and rushed over and practically did a body check (ew, I know it's disgusting), and I had to convince him that one scrape on the knee and a sore behind was NOT going to end my life. He then snapped at the others for finding humor in such a 'dangerous, risky injury', which made me feel very good as the expressions on haughty Aragorn and Gimli's faces immediately morphed into those looks you put on when you've done something bad and you know it. (I should know)
Without much further ado, Gandalf promptly dusted the filth off his back.
"Come on, hurry along. Aragorn, you callow mistake-of-a-man, you lead them through that corridor. Evelyn, stay behind. I need to talk to you," he said.
I didn't like the wary look he was giving me, but reluctantly I strayed behind and prepared myself for Gandalf the Grey.
~
A/N: Ooohhh! What's gonna happen? What does Gandalf have to say to Evelyn? Suggestions, flames, reviews, chocolate and preordered movie tickets for The Two Towers all welcome!
For instance, when you had to pee, well, to put it this way-at least the bushes get watered. And same with solid waste (I'm sure you don't need me to expand on that). I guessed the plants in Middle-Earth were very well watered and fertilized.
We were currently walking across a lovely piece of terrain. Behind us, the great Cahadras loomed. I didn't even want to look back to avoid arousing those awful, dreaded memories of bitter snow and coldness. Instead, I scurried along Frodo Baggins, who was definitely starting to get scared of me.
"Hiya, Frodo!" I chirped.
"H-hello."
"Why the long face? Even longer than Liv Tyler's."
"I'm carrying the fate of the world on my neck, if you'd really like to know," he said tartly.
"That's nice to know." I sighed. "We all have to do it sometime. Hey, have you ever heard of a person called Elijah Wood?"
"No, I do not think so," he said, wrinkling his brow. "I do not usually associate with Big People. Why do you ask?"
"Because you're played by him in the movie!"
"What moovee?"
"You've talked to Aragorn, haven't you?" I sighed when he nodded. "Now you're doing it, too." I left him standing there very confused. He wasn't much of a talker anyway, so I crept up to ol' Gandalf.
"Hiya, Gandalf!"
"What is it, Evelyn?"
"Are we there yet?" I whined. "I'm hungry." I wasn't really, but just said it for the sake of saying annoying things.
"No. We're not. We just had breakfast!."
I scurried alongside him for a couple of minutes, then spoke again.
"Now are we there yet?"
"No."
A few more minutes.
"Are we there yet?"
"No."
"Now?"
Gandalf stopped and glared at me. Then, he exploded. Literally. Well, not literally, but really close to the point of literalness. I'm not sure if that's even a word. Anyway-
"NO WE'RE NOT!!!! NOW HUSH AND STOP BOTHERING ME!" He roared, turning a lovely shade of azure.
"My, my," I sighed and shook my head. "Okay, one more thingy, alright?"
"What?" he asked irritably.
"Mellon."
"What?"
"MellonmellonmellonmellonMELLONMELLON!!!" I shrieked happily. "MELL. ON. MELLO. EN. M. Ellon. MEELOOOOOOO-"
"Go," he interrupted, growling in a dangerously low tone that made even Woody Allen's voice seem attractive. He pointed an old, crinkled finger at the end of the line. Gandalf looked pretty pissed off, so I obeyed him (for once).
"Whatever," I muttered as I headed back behind Frodo. "It's just for future reference."
~
At home, I had the Lord of the Rings leather collection, a huge red book that weighed a million pounds and was covered with chocolate stains from all those lovely Saturday afternoons, when I gorged myself with Hershey bars and read the books over and over again. Anyway, the map at the back wasn't usually regarded, because I liked to use my own imagination to visualize all the places and terrain and stuff. Only a faint memory of the biggest and most essential places was in my head, such as Gondor, Mirkwood, Lorien and the Shire. So, of course, I had absolutely NO idea where we were on the first real day with the Fellowship.
Things were turning out pretty miserably. I was still hungry, and my legs ached from walking for four hours straight. An uncomfortable blanket of humidity hung in the air, and I SWORE I could see the droplets of sweat form on the back of Frodo's neck as I trudged along.
Steeper and steeper the road became, and I realized that we were heading underground. Passing through countless forests, fields, "shortcuts" (pah) and whatnot, I got a pretty nice tour of Middle-Earth. Except I was stuck on this tour with a bunch of loonies and the hottest guy alive. Part good, part bad.
So, while passing through a very small woodland area, I broke into song.
"May it BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, and evening STARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shines DOWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN upon YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. May it BEEEEEE-"
"Argh! Stop it!" Gimli shrieked dirtily (word?), covering his dirty ears with his dirty fingers.
"Oh shut up," I snapped. "You're just jealous of my melodically-gifted voice."
But for the rest of the day, I sulked.
~
After 92642842100036 hours, 21931523rk0136-28912nkd911r3vsn miles and 38 "shut up!"'s, we approached Moria. I wasn't exaggerating. Well, kind of. But not THAT much. The 38 part was true. That day, my self-esteem had dropped by 27%. And yes, I had actually taken the TIME to figure that out, because of all the frikin' walking. And I figured out lotsa other stuff too, like:
Gandalf's beard grows about a millimeter every 29461 steps he takes An average of 29 ants get squashed every minute by the Nine alone It had been an estimated 7 years since Frodo took his last bath.
So, when dusk settled over and the sky filled with a flaming crimson color, the road became darker. Huge boulders, stones and tiny pebbles (they made good slingshots with my broken hair-tie but Gandalf eventually noticed me flinging them in Aragorn's greasebag hair) started to block our path. The night air was cold, and I shivered with every step. Behind me, the hobbits groaned constantly from weariness and even Legolas looked a bit worn. Which made him look even more adorable, of course.
The great grey walls of Moria, as we neared the entrance, were absolutely colossal. Sheer and ancient, all of our mouths dropped open in amazement, except for Gimli, who was smirking ("See? Much more impressive than the stupid ELVISH craft!" he had exclaimed, receiving dirty looks from both Legolas and me). Gandalf, being the stupid old git he was, eventually found the gate with all the moonlight gibberish and tried all his spells and chants. I watched the wizard for a while, bemused. After about a quarter hour's worth of 'Heime bar normahencien quepnrienxhez!'s, he finally gave up and sat down beside me, deflated.
The realization suddenly struck me. I could totally change EVERYTHING. I knew what was going to happen, but what if-what if I could alter it so things were easier? I toyed around with the idea in my head. What would be better, seeing everything happen the way it was in real life, or making my own adventure? I needed to talk to someone about this. But there was nobody to speak to.
By now, Aragorn was already speaking to Sam about Bill, and I could practically see the nerves in Merry's fingers itching to do something about his boredom. Almost in slow-motion, he picked up a nearby pebble, rolled it around with his thumb and forefinger for a while and chucked it into the black murky water of the lake. Unaware to anyone but myself, I noticed a small bubble rise to the surface and silently pop where the stone had landed in the black lake. I started panicking. What was I supposed to do?????
Merry picked up another stone, bigger, this time.
"Stop!" A voice called. My voice. He stopped and looked at me, surprised.
"Stop," I repeated, taking a deep breath. "You're disturbing the water. Save the whales. Whatever. Just-just stop throwing." A silence followed, but I caught Aragorn giving me a look of admiration for my 'wisdom words' (that I actually stole from HIS mouth). I turned to Gandalf.
"Mellon," I whispered. The grinding of stone hurt my ears as the huge, beautiful entrance of Moria opened up like a blossoming stone flower (??). Anyway, another moment of silence passed, and a whole lot of jaws dropped to the ground, which gave me the perfect opportunity to check out Legolas' dental trait. Perfect, of course. They were neat rows of white pearly teeth against healthy-looking gums.
Gandalf stared at me with wide eyes and a genuine expression of gratitude, before he spoke.
"Well, Evelyn," he said, slowly standing up and putting on his hat, "You are full of surprises for such a silly girl."
"How did you know the password?" Sam asked.
"Oh, well, er-" I stalled. If I told them the truth, they'd seriously think me a nutcase, so I made up a lame excuse of coincidental guessing. Everyone seemed to have believed me, except for Aragorn and Gandalf, who were looking at me with still-awed expressions. Legolas had on a faint smirk of amusement as he started gathering up the packs.
"You guys, stop looking at me like that," I said, feeling both extremely joyous and I-want-to-run-and-hide-in-the-corner-and-twiddle-my-thumbs embarrassed.
I then stylishly picked up my bag, slung it over my shoulder like a model (believe me, I had lots of practice) and strutted into the ebony Moria entrance, wanting to look feminine and graceful and intelligent and beautiful and wise and-
At the last minute, I saw the stone ledge, but it was way too late. I suddenly went sprawling through the air (cursing rapidly in German, Japanese, Hawaiian and whatever other curse words I knew in foreign languages) [1], and was airborne for about 2 seconds, and then gravity stepped in and dragged me down. By my butt. I landed in a heap of miserable old yucky bones, and wailed loudly as the smirks and giggles started rolling in from the mouths of Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir. Tears welled in my eyes and I flushed red with embarrassment. Still, I turned quickly to evade their notice and wiped the tears of anguish away.
"Hey," I snapped angrily. "At least we're IN this freaking tomb and not out there with the Watcher of the Water!" I stood up from the pile of bones, and Gandalf flashed his light at me, temporarily depriving me of sight. Several gasps rang out and echoed in the huge black chamber illuminated by Gandalf's light. I saw Boromir's expression change from humored to astonished.
"What?" I shrieked after a long pause, suddenly feeling very self- conscious.
Boromir's finger pointed at the rubble beneath my feet, and he stammered out the words.
"H-h-h-how d-did you p-p-per-per-perceive this place as a t-t-tomb? You couldn't have seen the bones in the dark!"
It was this moment that I realized Boromir's vulnerable characteristic (besides corruption, of course). I guess in the movie, it wasn't emphasized. But he had a fear of tombs. I could tell by the unmasked horror and placidness of his face. Dude, the guy was claustrophobic!
I grinned.
Gandalf, upon missing what had happened by seeing Bill the pony off, entered the scene. He saw me, scratched and bleeding from the fall, and rushed over and practically did a body check (ew, I know it's disgusting), and I had to convince him that one scrape on the knee and a sore behind was NOT going to end my life. He then snapped at the others for finding humor in such a 'dangerous, risky injury', which made me feel very good as the expressions on haughty Aragorn and Gimli's faces immediately morphed into those looks you put on when you've done something bad and you know it. (I should know)
Without much further ado, Gandalf promptly dusted the filth off his back.
"Come on, hurry along. Aragorn, you callow mistake-of-a-man, you lead them through that corridor. Evelyn, stay behind. I need to talk to you," he said.
I didn't like the wary look he was giving me, but reluctantly I strayed behind and prepared myself for Gandalf the Grey.
~
A/N: Ooohhh! What's gonna happen? What does Gandalf have to say to Evelyn? Suggestions, flames, reviews, chocolate and preordered movie tickets for The Two Towers all welcome!