A/N: Sorry everybody for the ridiculously long update! * looks around at
empty room * Awww crap, I lost all my reviewers! * sulks * Anyway, I shall
now speak to the little slug thingy in the corner to help me pick up my
self esteem.
Me: Hi! What's your name? Mine's Evelyn!
Slug: * twitch *
Me: * steps on slug, sending green guts everywhere *
Legolas: Aargh, my hair! * sob *
Ookay, that was strange. And now to the story!
~
There was a long, long silence as Gandalf and I trailed behind the rest of the Fellowship. I could tell that he was deep in thought by the way his eyebrows were so furrowed together it was almost an unibrow, so I remained quiet. Finally, he spoke.
"You know things, don't you?" he asked, looking at me carefully.
"Um.."
"Don't try to lie, Evelyn. I can see it written all over your face."
"Then why'd you ask?"
"Answer the question, please," he snorted.
"Eww."
He glared at me.
"Er, okay. I already told you. I've seen the Fellowship of the Ring approximately 50 times, and I-er-know what's going to happen," I said awkwardly, not liking the intensity in which he was staring at me. "P- please stop looking at me like that, it's getting quite freaky."
Gandalf sighed before speaking again.
"Tell me of this world whence you come from, then."
I thought about this a little. What could I say about Earth?
"I live on a lovely blue and green planet called Earth, the third planet from the Sun. There is technology, or advanced inventions. There are devices, which make life easier, like electronic toothbrushes! Man, they are so cool! All you do is press the button and then the brush thingy spins and your teeth become all whitish!" I paused briefly, trying to think of more useful things to say, but couldn't think of any. So I changed the topic. "Middle-Earth was created by a man named J. R. R. Tolkien. All the characters, including you, are fictional. Nonexistent. Except for the fact that you're alive-" I pinched his forearm and he scowled-"and so am I, so something obviously screwed up here. But the main thing is, I KNOW exactly what's going to happen to the Fellowship. I know your future, although I since I have the knowledge, I can change it."
"Continue." He didn't look moved by my little confession at all, so I did.
"Well, back at the gates of Moria, I knew the password. That's why earlier today I had been jumping around you, screaming 'MELLON' at the top of my lungs. And if I hadn't said it, then eventually Frodo would've figured it out but the Watcher would have grabbed him and there would've been a heroic fight in which Legolas shoots lotsa things and looks totally gorgeous and-"
"Evelyn."
"Sorry. But you understand."
He was silent for a long time before he turned and looked at me straight in the eye. I tried not to shudder. Geez, for an old nincompoop, Gandalf sure was very intense.
"Evelyn, I do not know of this gift you possess," he said sternly. "But if you can be of any guidance to the Fellowship, act quickly." He paused and looked around the stone hallway we were in. "I have a feeling my life is at its end in this mine, my child. That is why I did not want to come."
I gulped and nodded quickly. A lot was being placed in my hands. What if I did something wrong? I, an insane silly girl, would determine the whole freaking' fate of Middle-Earth with a crush on Legolas Greenleaf.
Scurrying along behind Gandalf and trying not to step on the bones of unfortunate ancient pedestrians that once walked on the same ground, a question that had been nagging at me suddenly popped up again.
"Gandalf?"
"Aye," he said, turning around and letting me catch up so I could walk beside him.
"Are you gay?"
His eyes widened, his skin paled and I saw his old fingers tighten on his staff. My words had echoed in the vast dank hall, and everybody turned to look at me with astonished faces. I chewed my tongue to keep from laughing - Frodo's enormous eyes had swelled up even more and now made up pratically half his face.
"No," Gandalf finally replied, somewhat shaken. I was surprised at his control, having imagined him would explode like he did before.
"Okay. Good."
"Why do you ask me of such an audacious question, my young one?" he said tentatively as everyone else collected their wits and got over the shock. These people SERIOUSLY had no life, apparently.
"Because in the movie, the actor who plays you, is." He nodded with a somewhat distraught expression on his face.
"Besides, I don't want you hitting on my Leggy," I added under my breath.
:::
"Oh, my God," I moaned for the trillionth time. I then literally collapsed onto yet another rubble of filth and old shriveled up intestines (at least that's what they looked like).
"Ev, this has been your fourth breakdown in the past half hour!" Pippin said, with a boyish grin. "Get up."
"No." I stuck out my tongue at him. "You can't make me."
"The sooner you get up, the sooner we'll be out of here," he said in that adorable accent. "Come on, before we leave without you."
"You sound like my English professor," I groaned.
"What?"
"Nevermind." I staggered to my feet as we began to walk again, willing one foot to go ahead of the other. "Arrrgggg."
Pippin laughed. "You are, by far, the most elegant and graceful being I have ever encountered in my life," he teased.
"Oh, I know," I sighed with a flip of my stringy, tangled hair.
:::
Walking had become my worst enemy. Besides Boromir, of course. With every step, not only did the blisters in my toe increase, but amazingly, the dust in my nose did too. So, before I knew it, I was sneezing every three steps and getting whacked 'accidentally' by Boromir's stupid shield each time. What's more, Legolas the God was seriously ignoring me! He refused my marriage proposal and kind of made a funny noise when I claimed that I was really a beautiful Elven Goddess, sent by the Valar themselves, destined to marry a handsome Prince of Mirkwood whose name started with a L and ended with an S.
Anyway, we were walking (surprise! Oh, I am so positively shocked! I think I shall die of excitement from WALKING!!!!) and I was going insane, mentally. Nobody was chatting, or even bickering! We all just kind of trudged along, with gloomy faces (except for the ever-so-perfect Legolas, who still looked like Utopia despite the musty air and filth strewn all around us).
Step. Step. Step.
Sneeze.
Step. Step. Step.
Sneeze.
Step. Step. Step.
Snee-
"Arg, I can't take it anymore!!!!!" I suddenly gave this Tarzan-like shriek that echoed off the walls. All 9 Fellowship members turned around.
"Evelyn! You shall not make such a tyrant of yourself!" Gandalf scowled.
"Let's eat her, then she'll shut up," Gimli chortled.
"She's filthy!" Aragorn exclaimed.
"Look whose talking, bacon grease!" I snapped.
Merry and Pippin were cracking up.
"Stupid girl, be quiet," Boromir muttered.
"YOU shut up!"
"Do not speak to me in that indolent manner!"
"Do not speak to me in that indolent manner!" I mimicked in a false, Mary- Sueish voice.
"Can't take what?" Sam piped up. Gee, a little slow there.
"The silence!" I yelled, although Sam was a decently nice guy, and I wound up flecking his face with my lovely saliva. "You all are like, mimes!" I demonstrated the famous mime-in-a-box imitation. They all kind of goggled at me.
"Nevermind," I gave up and started walking (and sneezing) again.
"Females," Boromir sneered before turning around.
"Males," I mimicked again. Everyone stopped to turned around and looked at me, clearly a bit vexed.
Oops. Ugh, stupid 5-second-memory-span.
:::
We stopped that night, even though nobody could tell it was night.
"I can feel it in the air, darkness has descended," Aragorn sniffed around.
Yeah right, you dirty-non-shaven-she-man.
But I wasn't about to complain, because I swore my feet had degraded a centimeter from walking so much. Everyone else gave a sigh of relief as we stopped. Camp was made in a stone chamber close to the mall hallway we were walking through. There were moldy bodies, strewn bones and smelly men (cough BOROMIRANDARAGORN cough) around me, but I was nonetheless extremely glad.
"The hills are alive!" I sung happily, unrolling my sleeping bag. Legolas and Gandalf exchanged a worried look, which I caught, but didn't care for that much. I continued doing bad impersonations of Julie Andrews until Gandalf coughed very loudly.
"Evelyn, excuse me," he said. I scowled.
"Yes, mister Gandy?"
"Please do not call me that," he said quickly and moved a bit further from me.
"Yes, Gandalf?"
"That is an improvement. I need to know what will happen to the Fellowship next," he said. Boromir, Frodo and Legolas all wore skeptical expressions, but the rest of them seemed interested.
"Hmmmmm," I said, chewing on a strand of hair, "Gimli shall cry like the girl he is for his cousin, Balin. By accident, Pippin will knock a skeleton down a well and all hell will break loose. We're going to run from a Balrog, Gimli's going to have a sore chin and you, Gandalf, you will-" I stopped short. Oh God, I couldn't tell him his death fate! Boromir was a different story, but Gandalf, he was well, Gandalf!
"I will what?" he asked intently.
I gulped.
"You will lead us all safely from here to Lothlorien," I lied.
He gave a satisfied sigh. "Then all is well."
Oh, great. Now, I'd have to save Gandalf from the Balrog, or the others would never trust me again. What was I, a wizard-sitter?
That night should've been blissful after all that walking (shudder), but my sleep was filled with sneezing and worried thoughts about how I was going to stop Gandalf's destined death.
:::
Next day, I woke up to the stench of decay and dust and dread. There was a foul smell in the air, even fouler than before since we all had to use a musty corner for our privies. There was total darkness all around, enveloping me like a black mist. I got up on my knees and kind of crawled around until my fingers hit something very soft, big and hairy.
I shrank back, but it was too late.
"Arg, my face," Gimli kind of moaned between his snores, but he was still asleep. "Stop, stop, it tickles!" He started to giggle and fidget like a little girl.
I quickly crawled away.
Soon, Gimli's little please moment was gone and he went back to snoring. Relieved, I stood up and stretched a bit. A faint light began to pour in from the cracks in the huge stone walls, and I could see a bit. Everyone was asleep, it seemed. Being a morning person, I was personally disgusted with their passion for slumber. Even Legolas, the noble Elven prince woke late! As if he would see it, I shot him a lethal look-
And realized he wasn't there.
His sleeping bag was still open, and I guessed I had missed his body when I first glanced over. D'oh. I stumbled my way across (once stepping on Gandalf's beard), squinting and using the little light there was. Everything was as it should've been, but the gorgeous God was missing! It was then that I noticed the pack neatly set next to the sleeping bag. No doubt, this was filled with Legolas' belongings.
Nobody would notice, I told myself. It's just a quick peek.
I looked in and rummaged around. There wasn't much - a couple of leather thongs (no, not THOSE thongs) for his hair, half a dozen packs of lembas bread, a canteen filled with water and some linen for bandaging - but my hand touched something bristly and wooden-
A brush.
So it was true! The hair God actually DID use a brush!! Quickly, I pulled it out and examined it. The brush was plain, with a wood handle and it had teeth made of soft bristly material I could not name. There were strands of perfect, golden hair caught in it. This item that I held was absolutely priceless.
"Eeek!" I shrieked happily. Thankfully, nobody heard my outburst.
Now, any other Legolas-obsessed girl at this moment would've been wise to take out a few hairs and put the brush back in.
But I was not in the 'any other' category.
Silently, I slipped the brush into the folds of my cloak and closed his pack, making sure to leave everything as it was. I then scampered back to my sleeping bag, took out the brush and dropped it in MY bag.
I couldn't wait for the expression that would be on his face when he discovered the missing item. I grinned a bit maliciously, just dreaming of how he would react.
Would he suffer in silence?
Or maybe he'd roar out in agony.
Or, maybe yet he'd burst into tears.
But, the main thing was, he would SUFFER! Hah, that's what he got for refusing to marry me, the most lovely and beautiful and talented maiden ever born!
I just wondered where the heck he really was.
:::
A/N : Dude, it just keeps getting better and better. Please review! Just go ahead and click that lovely button and tell me how evil/interesting/retarded/stupid/good/excellent/celestial/damn awesome this was. But, please, add some insight as to why, because I'd greatly appreciate all the advice. Thank y'all, and have a nice day filled with erotic dreams of YOUR favorite LOTR guy!
Me: Hi! What's your name? Mine's Evelyn!
Slug: * twitch *
Me: * steps on slug, sending green guts everywhere *
Legolas: Aargh, my hair! * sob *
Ookay, that was strange. And now to the story!
~
There was a long, long silence as Gandalf and I trailed behind the rest of the Fellowship. I could tell that he was deep in thought by the way his eyebrows were so furrowed together it was almost an unibrow, so I remained quiet. Finally, he spoke.
"You know things, don't you?" he asked, looking at me carefully.
"Um.."
"Don't try to lie, Evelyn. I can see it written all over your face."
"Then why'd you ask?"
"Answer the question, please," he snorted.
"Eww."
He glared at me.
"Er, okay. I already told you. I've seen the Fellowship of the Ring approximately 50 times, and I-er-know what's going to happen," I said awkwardly, not liking the intensity in which he was staring at me. "P- please stop looking at me like that, it's getting quite freaky."
Gandalf sighed before speaking again.
"Tell me of this world whence you come from, then."
I thought about this a little. What could I say about Earth?
"I live on a lovely blue and green planet called Earth, the third planet from the Sun. There is technology, or advanced inventions. There are devices, which make life easier, like electronic toothbrushes! Man, they are so cool! All you do is press the button and then the brush thingy spins and your teeth become all whitish!" I paused briefly, trying to think of more useful things to say, but couldn't think of any. So I changed the topic. "Middle-Earth was created by a man named J. R. R. Tolkien. All the characters, including you, are fictional. Nonexistent. Except for the fact that you're alive-" I pinched his forearm and he scowled-"and so am I, so something obviously screwed up here. But the main thing is, I KNOW exactly what's going to happen to the Fellowship. I know your future, although I since I have the knowledge, I can change it."
"Continue." He didn't look moved by my little confession at all, so I did.
"Well, back at the gates of Moria, I knew the password. That's why earlier today I had been jumping around you, screaming 'MELLON' at the top of my lungs. And if I hadn't said it, then eventually Frodo would've figured it out but the Watcher would have grabbed him and there would've been a heroic fight in which Legolas shoots lotsa things and looks totally gorgeous and-"
"Evelyn."
"Sorry. But you understand."
He was silent for a long time before he turned and looked at me straight in the eye. I tried not to shudder. Geez, for an old nincompoop, Gandalf sure was very intense.
"Evelyn, I do not know of this gift you possess," he said sternly. "But if you can be of any guidance to the Fellowship, act quickly." He paused and looked around the stone hallway we were in. "I have a feeling my life is at its end in this mine, my child. That is why I did not want to come."
I gulped and nodded quickly. A lot was being placed in my hands. What if I did something wrong? I, an insane silly girl, would determine the whole freaking' fate of Middle-Earth with a crush on Legolas Greenleaf.
Scurrying along behind Gandalf and trying not to step on the bones of unfortunate ancient pedestrians that once walked on the same ground, a question that had been nagging at me suddenly popped up again.
"Gandalf?"
"Aye," he said, turning around and letting me catch up so I could walk beside him.
"Are you gay?"
His eyes widened, his skin paled and I saw his old fingers tighten on his staff. My words had echoed in the vast dank hall, and everybody turned to look at me with astonished faces. I chewed my tongue to keep from laughing - Frodo's enormous eyes had swelled up even more and now made up pratically half his face.
"No," Gandalf finally replied, somewhat shaken. I was surprised at his control, having imagined him would explode like he did before.
"Okay. Good."
"Why do you ask me of such an audacious question, my young one?" he said tentatively as everyone else collected their wits and got over the shock. These people SERIOUSLY had no life, apparently.
"Because in the movie, the actor who plays you, is." He nodded with a somewhat distraught expression on his face.
"Besides, I don't want you hitting on my Leggy," I added under my breath.
:::
"Oh, my God," I moaned for the trillionth time. I then literally collapsed onto yet another rubble of filth and old shriveled up intestines (at least that's what they looked like).
"Ev, this has been your fourth breakdown in the past half hour!" Pippin said, with a boyish grin. "Get up."
"No." I stuck out my tongue at him. "You can't make me."
"The sooner you get up, the sooner we'll be out of here," he said in that adorable accent. "Come on, before we leave without you."
"You sound like my English professor," I groaned.
"What?"
"Nevermind." I staggered to my feet as we began to walk again, willing one foot to go ahead of the other. "Arrrgggg."
Pippin laughed. "You are, by far, the most elegant and graceful being I have ever encountered in my life," he teased.
"Oh, I know," I sighed with a flip of my stringy, tangled hair.
:::
Walking had become my worst enemy. Besides Boromir, of course. With every step, not only did the blisters in my toe increase, but amazingly, the dust in my nose did too. So, before I knew it, I was sneezing every three steps and getting whacked 'accidentally' by Boromir's stupid shield each time. What's more, Legolas the God was seriously ignoring me! He refused my marriage proposal and kind of made a funny noise when I claimed that I was really a beautiful Elven Goddess, sent by the Valar themselves, destined to marry a handsome Prince of Mirkwood whose name started with a L and ended with an S.
Anyway, we were walking (surprise! Oh, I am so positively shocked! I think I shall die of excitement from WALKING!!!!) and I was going insane, mentally. Nobody was chatting, or even bickering! We all just kind of trudged along, with gloomy faces (except for the ever-so-perfect Legolas, who still looked like Utopia despite the musty air and filth strewn all around us).
Step. Step. Step.
Sneeze.
Step. Step. Step.
Sneeze.
Step. Step. Step.
Snee-
"Arg, I can't take it anymore!!!!!" I suddenly gave this Tarzan-like shriek that echoed off the walls. All 9 Fellowship members turned around.
"Evelyn! You shall not make such a tyrant of yourself!" Gandalf scowled.
"Let's eat her, then she'll shut up," Gimli chortled.
"She's filthy!" Aragorn exclaimed.
"Look whose talking, bacon grease!" I snapped.
Merry and Pippin were cracking up.
"Stupid girl, be quiet," Boromir muttered.
"YOU shut up!"
"Do not speak to me in that indolent manner!"
"Do not speak to me in that indolent manner!" I mimicked in a false, Mary- Sueish voice.
"Can't take what?" Sam piped up. Gee, a little slow there.
"The silence!" I yelled, although Sam was a decently nice guy, and I wound up flecking his face with my lovely saliva. "You all are like, mimes!" I demonstrated the famous mime-in-a-box imitation. They all kind of goggled at me.
"Nevermind," I gave up and started walking (and sneezing) again.
"Females," Boromir sneered before turning around.
"Males," I mimicked again. Everyone stopped to turned around and looked at me, clearly a bit vexed.
Oops. Ugh, stupid 5-second-memory-span.
:::
We stopped that night, even though nobody could tell it was night.
"I can feel it in the air, darkness has descended," Aragorn sniffed around.
Yeah right, you dirty-non-shaven-she-man.
But I wasn't about to complain, because I swore my feet had degraded a centimeter from walking so much. Everyone else gave a sigh of relief as we stopped. Camp was made in a stone chamber close to the mall hallway we were walking through. There were moldy bodies, strewn bones and smelly men (cough BOROMIRANDARAGORN cough) around me, but I was nonetheless extremely glad.
"The hills are alive!" I sung happily, unrolling my sleeping bag. Legolas and Gandalf exchanged a worried look, which I caught, but didn't care for that much. I continued doing bad impersonations of Julie Andrews until Gandalf coughed very loudly.
"Evelyn, excuse me," he said. I scowled.
"Yes, mister Gandy?"
"Please do not call me that," he said quickly and moved a bit further from me.
"Yes, Gandalf?"
"That is an improvement. I need to know what will happen to the Fellowship next," he said. Boromir, Frodo and Legolas all wore skeptical expressions, but the rest of them seemed interested.
"Hmmmmm," I said, chewing on a strand of hair, "Gimli shall cry like the girl he is for his cousin, Balin. By accident, Pippin will knock a skeleton down a well and all hell will break loose. We're going to run from a Balrog, Gimli's going to have a sore chin and you, Gandalf, you will-" I stopped short. Oh God, I couldn't tell him his death fate! Boromir was a different story, but Gandalf, he was well, Gandalf!
"I will what?" he asked intently.
I gulped.
"You will lead us all safely from here to Lothlorien," I lied.
He gave a satisfied sigh. "Then all is well."
Oh, great. Now, I'd have to save Gandalf from the Balrog, or the others would never trust me again. What was I, a wizard-sitter?
That night should've been blissful after all that walking (shudder), but my sleep was filled with sneezing and worried thoughts about how I was going to stop Gandalf's destined death.
:::
Next day, I woke up to the stench of decay and dust and dread. There was a foul smell in the air, even fouler than before since we all had to use a musty corner for our privies. There was total darkness all around, enveloping me like a black mist. I got up on my knees and kind of crawled around until my fingers hit something very soft, big and hairy.
I shrank back, but it was too late.
"Arg, my face," Gimli kind of moaned between his snores, but he was still asleep. "Stop, stop, it tickles!" He started to giggle and fidget like a little girl.
I quickly crawled away.
Soon, Gimli's little please moment was gone and he went back to snoring. Relieved, I stood up and stretched a bit. A faint light began to pour in from the cracks in the huge stone walls, and I could see a bit. Everyone was asleep, it seemed. Being a morning person, I was personally disgusted with their passion for slumber. Even Legolas, the noble Elven prince woke late! As if he would see it, I shot him a lethal look-
And realized he wasn't there.
His sleeping bag was still open, and I guessed I had missed his body when I first glanced over. D'oh. I stumbled my way across (once stepping on Gandalf's beard), squinting and using the little light there was. Everything was as it should've been, but the gorgeous God was missing! It was then that I noticed the pack neatly set next to the sleeping bag. No doubt, this was filled with Legolas' belongings.
Nobody would notice, I told myself. It's just a quick peek.
I looked in and rummaged around. There wasn't much - a couple of leather thongs (no, not THOSE thongs) for his hair, half a dozen packs of lembas bread, a canteen filled with water and some linen for bandaging - but my hand touched something bristly and wooden-
A brush.
So it was true! The hair God actually DID use a brush!! Quickly, I pulled it out and examined it. The brush was plain, with a wood handle and it had teeth made of soft bristly material I could not name. There were strands of perfect, golden hair caught in it. This item that I held was absolutely priceless.
"Eeek!" I shrieked happily. Thankfully, nobody heard my outburst.
Now, any other Legolas-obsessed girl at this moment would've been wise to take out a few hairs and put the brush back in.
But I was not in the 'any other' category.
Silently, I slipped the brush into the folds of my cloak and closed his pack, making sure to leave everything as it was. I then scampered back to my sleeping bag, took out the brush and dropped it in MY bag.
I couldn't wait for the expression that would be on his face when he discovered the missing item. I grinned a bit maliciously, just dreaming of how he would react.
Would he suffer in silence?
Or maybe he'd roar out in agony.
Or, maybe yet he'd burst into tears.
But, the main thing was, he would SUFFER! Hah, that's what he got for refusing to marry me, the most lovely and beautiful and talented maiden ever born!
I just wondered where the heck he really was.
:::
A/N : Dude, it just keeps getting better and better. Please review! Just go ahead and click that lovely button and tell me how evil/interesting/retarded/stupid/good/excellent/celestial/damn awesome this was. But, please, add some insight as to why, because I'd greatly appreciate all the advice. Thank y'all, and have a nice day filled with erotic dreams of YOUR favorite LOTR guy!