I must've dozed off, waiting for the Fellowship to awake and for Legolas to
return because the next thing I knew, I had jerked awake. To my relief,
everything was just as it was supposed to be (except for missing Leggie, of
course).
Stifling a yawn infested with extremely lurid breath, I looked around. Everything was kind of dim, but I could manage to make out things somewhat clearly. For a second, I thought I saw a few flitting shadows outside the chamber in the hallway, but shook the thought away. I was NOT going to be John Nash today (did anybody agree with me that Russell Crowe didn't have to ACT schizophrenic-he already was?). I turned my attention back to the Fellowship, who were all in deep slumber (once again, except for Leggie. At least, I hoped he wasn't sleeping.).
God, when were these lazy bums going to wake up? Gandalf had stopped snoring, but Gimli was still going at it like thunder. Every few seconds, he would either mumble something, giggle or scratch his forearm. It must be the hormones, I decided. What a freak. A midget freak.
It was then that I heard it. A faint voice, obviously in a desperate situation. I couldn't make out the words, but the voice wasn't very far off. It sounded very weird, a voice emitted from the throat.
I started, because the wailing was so penetrating through the empty silence. I wondered if it was Legolas. Maybe he was in trouble! Or maybe he liked to talk to himself. The wailing continued, and I became a bit too curious for my own sanity (or what was left of it). I wanted to see what it was, but leaving the Fellowship would surely screw things up BIG TIME. So I mentally did an 'Eenie Meenie Miney Mo'. The voice won. I quietly rose, brushed some dust off my shirt and sneaked out of the chamber.
:::
By now, the lighting had improved. With a slight squint, things could be made out well. I always had nice vision and was proud of my 20/20. Sometimes, when I had been on Earth, I pretended that I was an Elf with the supernatural sight. Too bad the celebrity body, height, ears, perfect skin, agility, hearing and immortality didn't come with that package. Oh well, I was still glad I didn't have to walk around with those huge, black Harry Potter glasses. They were so tacky!
I trotted along, enjoying for the first time, the silence. Middle-Earth really was a nice place. Moria was a bit on the dusty side, but I imagined it to be quite nice if it didn't have so many rotting corpses. I wondered if the female dwarves braided their beards like Gimli.
I guess I wasn't looking where I was going, because as the voice increased in volume, I kind of followed it on impulse. Down corridors, passing bajillions of rooms, take a left there, go straight, make a turn here. Lalalalala...my mind wasn't exactly turned on. So when something grey, shriveled and disgusting smelling suddenly leapt onto me, grimy fingers and all, I screamed like a mental patient.
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Clammy fingers closed around my throat, and I almost gagged.
"Get...off...me!" I shrieked, trying to get that thing off of me. It was clawing at my neck, where I had the fake One Ring replica (from a cheap, $3 bookmark) attached to a slim chain.
"Nassty hobbitsessss," it hissed. Oh God, this couldn't be Gollum. He scratched and throttled at me, sputtering nonsense. "They've got the Preciousssss on their neckssss...oh yessss...their thin and weak necksssss..." I suddenly got the impression that he was trying to kill me, so I panicked.
God, Gollum was mistaking me for a hobbit and my plastic ring for the One Ring and was now trying to decapitate me. What was I going to DO???
I screamed as annoying loud as my throat would let me. The pitch was astounding, I didn't even know this was humanely possible. Anyway, I shrieked and yelped, my voice mingled with Gollum's guttural hisses, and the stentorian sound echoed off the walls. He was grabbing at my hair now, my beautiful hair!!!!!
"Get off!" I ran backwards into the wall, sandwiching Gollum between while trying to unclasp the necklace. He was quite strong for his small size. He writhed and dodged my hands, but gave a yelp of pain when his back crashed against the hard granite walls. Seeing his pain, I did it again, but at the last second, he finally jumped off my back, so it was me who got the pain.
"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" I shrieked, rubbing my shoulder and my head. Ugh, now all my brain cells were gone! I turned around to see the wretched little creature crouching on the ground, preparing to leap at me again. He looked like a shriveled up prune with giant, Elijah Wood blue eyes, which at the moment were fixed disturbingly at my open neck. I quickly tore off the necklace and hurled it with all my baseball talent away.
Gollum quickly turned and ran off to find his 'Ring', and then a horrible thought struck me. When he found out it was fake, he was going to KILL me!!!
Standing there, I started panicking again. What was I going to do? What was HE going to do? No, I didn't want to think about that, those thoughts were reserved for suicides, and I wanted to LIVE! I looked behind me, down into the vast emptiness of a long stone hallway. I couldn't see an end to it, which was good, for my sake. Looking back again, Gollum had already reached the fake ring and was peering at it. I stood, staring at him, waiting for the outburst-
"IT'SSSSSS NOTSSSS REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screeched after a moment's inspection, and that's when I began to run, Gollum cursing as he began to chase after me. Holy crap, I was really in for it.
:::
Now, under normal circumstances, I liked to run. It was relaxing. Especially relaxing when the hottie next door was getting his mail and he saw me, all athletic and in shape and stuff. But this was not under normal circumstances, unless you call a grey frog running after you for tricking him into crooning over a plastic ring normal, which I highly doubt. So, with common sense, one can assume that I didn't like to run with Gollum behind me.
"We wringsss your neck, filthy girlssssssss!" he seethed, a trickle of foul- looking foam running down his withered lips. Gee, somebody was having bad PMS. The dank corridor was dark and colossal, and I felt like a midget, running away from an even smaller midget who just happened to be a sadist and most probably high on something. I ran for what seemed like years, avoiding corpses, weaponry and other sorts of rotting junk lying around. My breath grew short pretty quickly, and I could hear Gollum's labored panting behind me. I kept going, stumbling along in the awkward borrowed clothing. My steps echoed down the hall ungracefully. Gollum's flat bare feet echoed behind my footsteps even ungracefull-er, a reminder that he was still hot on my trail.
"Come backsss here, you nasssty girl!" he seethed. Yeah, right, like I'd really stop, turn around, smile sweetly and let him rip my neck off.
Slowly but surely, I started slowing down. Sweat ran down my forehead and my leg muscles started to ache, along with a cramp in my stomach. Just when I thought I'd collapse and face the end of it all, a loud clanging ran out from what seemed like the middle of nowhere. The noisy racketing bounced off the walls, repeating itself several times before fading into silence. Gollum and I stopped the chase, both of us wondering where the source was coming from. Oddly, the clamor sounded ironically familiar...my eyes suddenly widened in recognition.
"Crap, Pippin! The skull! Eeek!!" I shrieked to nobody in particular. "Ohgod, I was supposed to BE there...Gandalf's gonna kill Pippin, and I hafta stop the Balrog from killing HIM, and then everyone's going to have to stop Gandalf from killing ME for not saving him from being killed by the Balrog, but then again he'll be falling while being killed, so he can't kill me, but the others are going to kill me for killing Gandalf, this is NOT good!" I moaned. "I'm going to be killed," I finally concluded.
All prospects of lunatic Gollum gone from my head, I turned around and began running back as fast as my feet would go, which wasn't really that fast since I was pretty much at the point of blacking out from the exhaustion. Nonetheless, I must've had either a real determined look or maybe it was my unwashed greasy hair that would make even Aragorn jealous, but as I ran toward Gollum, he must've been really scared, because he bolted. Damn, why didn't I do this BEFORE? Now he thought I was chasing him and was making these really sad whimpers, like a dog.
Oh well, that was his corrupted life. I tried to remember where the room we slept in had been, but in midstride figured out that they weren't in that place anymore, they were in Balin's tomb! Ahead of me, Gollum was still flapping around miserably, and took a turn toward a dark wing of Moria. I stopped, panting like a dog, and wondered where to go. Should I follow Gollum? There seemed no other choice, for there was a complete silence in the air, no more clanging to follow. I was just about to turn and stick with Gollum when-
Boom.
Oh God. This could NOT be the cave tr-
BOOM.
The source of 'booming' was very, very close. Gollum, a few feet ahead of me, slowly turned around and looked behind me. I gulped as his huge eyes widened into dinner plates, giving away the news that was not exactly advantageous at this moment. With another loud gulp, I too turned my head, and my pupils became locked with a dozen Orcs and one unhappy cavetroll who was running toward the two of us pitiful creatures with an unfriendly- looking club in his hands and a loincloth that was dangerously loose.
"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And so the chase was on. Again.
:::
While I was running for dear life, a thought smacked against my brain. Hey, I could lead these evil creatures away from Gandalf and the others! With that in mind, I ran harder than ever. These minutes were crucial if they wanted to escape! Maybe they'd go unnoticed, and the Balrog wouldn't kill Gandalf, and so he wouldn't kill me! I grinned, but my slight joy was immediately wiped away when I tripped over Gollum and went flying into the air with a shriek.
"Stupid anorexic weak frogggg!!!" I cursed.
I landed in a rumpled heap, a trickle of blood gushing from my hairline. I tried desperately to get up, but my ankle was hurting me even worse than Britney Spears' voice. To my dismay, the bone stuck out in an impossible angle. I howled in pain, clutching at my broken ankle. Ugh, now how was I going to run gracefully and impress Legolas with this twisted thing? I mentally added 'ankles' to my List-Of-What-I-Hated, right before acne and after Star Wars. Gollum, in front of me, flapped off into the darkness. Stupid traitor. Stupid tripper. Stupid stripper (just kidding).
A growl not too far jerked my head up, and in the darkness I saw an Orc approaching me. Using my arms, I pushed myself as far as possible, but he was running at a mad dash. Oh God, what was I going to do? Panic, panic panic. Was this Panic Day or something? He was raising his spear, ready to thrust-
I ducked as the spear whizzed overhead, just grazing the top left of my head. To my horror, it cut off a lock of my HAIR!! Nevermind that it was dirty and oily and possibly filled with maggots, this was MY HAIR!!!!! An indescribable rage filled me. Gollum had attacked my hair, also. Why were these dirty creatures attracted to my hair? Now that the Orc was unarmed and still a good 100 meters from the rest, I managed to stand up leaning on one leg and gave him a sharp slap.
"You dirty pig, don't EVER touch my hair EVER again!" I slapped him again, and kneed him quite fiercely in the crotch. To my satisfaction, he snorted in pain (ew, how disgusting!) and crumpled to the ground. By this time, the rest of the Orcs and that hideous troll had neared me. A couple of arrows were aimed at me, but the shots didn't hit their intended mark. They were gaining speed very quickly. My hand searched around for something, anything! Surprisingly, my fingers found an old rotting shield and the head of the spear that the foul Orc whimpering in pain had earlier hurled at me. Impulsively, I put the shield in front of my body and in a heroic, graceful move, I flung the blade as fiercely as I could, emitting a wild yell as I did so. It sailed dangerously in the air, right for the troll's chest-
and bounced off his skin. SHIT.
In a last pathetic attempt to stay alive for a few more seconds, I cowered behind the shield. God, I couldn't die like this! The air was disgustingly humid, my head was bleeding, I was on a bunch of corpses with a twisted ankle - this was the pit of the pits. Hmm...was Brad here? [1] Oh well, at least I was buying the Fellowship time. Yeah, buying time with my LIFE. I could hear the heavy steps of an approaching goblin, I could hear him chuckling maliciously under his breath. I braced myself for death as leaned over and raised his sword-
An arrow from the darkness behind whistled in the air and hit the Orc squarely between the eyes. With a gurgle, it fell on me, dagger in hand barely missing my arm. I screamed and pushed him off me as blood poured from his mouth onto me. On second thought, I grabbed his weapon and turned to face another attacking Orc. This one still had the last remnants of goblin hair on his nasty scalp. He was in serious need of shampoo. I waited patiently until he was close, and threw the blade quite pathetically. It hit his arm, making a nice gash in his grey skin. However, this wasn't enough to silence him forever. He lunged at me, only to be pierced with another one of those arrows from nowhere.
I gave a disgusted 'ugh!' as he emitted an abhorrent shriek and fell. Turning around too see who this archer was, I caught a glimpse of blonde hair, a miniskirt and shapely legs.
"LEGOLAS!!!!" I cried happily, rising and forgetting the fact that I couldn't exactly stand. Unfortunately for me, my ankle gave away. Fortunately for me, an Orc who was chasing me from behind didn't stop in time and tripped over me. He sailed like, 10 feet and a loud crack confirmed that his neck was 100% broken.
"Yayayayayayayayayay I killed one!" I exclaimed happily. Legolas shot me a dirty look and kept on shooting. There were only two standing Orcs left and the cave troll, who was busy plucking Legolas' arrows off his grey thick skin and roaring in rage. The two goblins advanced on Legolas, who ran out of arrows (we never saw this in the movie, surprisingly). In a flash, he whipped out his ivory blades.
God, was he hot or what?
The Orc to his left had one of those metal hook thingys, and began to charge at Legolas. My Elven prince ducked as he swung, twirled around (yes, hair flying too) and in a fluid motion, decapitated the Orc. The other one, to his disadvantage, had a bow and arrow, and was aiming one carefully right at my Leggie's chest as he was turning around-
Oh, Valar, he was going to die! Ignoring my twisted ankle, I half-ran, half- dragged myself and lunged at the goblin. Gee, how many people had lunged at me today? Hmm...there was Gollum, and two Orcs, and now, I was hurling myself heroically on a slimy, no-good demon. I caught him by surprise and knocked him down. I pinned his arms down, despite his thrashing and screaming. Legolas ran over and quickly stabbed the Orc. The goblin's wrist twitched under me (I immediately let go), gurgled and went still. Yuck-o.
Legolas helped me to my feet quickly (how enchanting), and I was brushing the filth off my shirt, forgetting something VERY important-
I looked up as the troll's roar rang out. Where was Legolas? I began to turn around, looking for him in the dim light. Something from behind struck me hard, knocking the heck out of me. I swayed on the spot, the world spinning like crazy. With my last once of energy, I concluded that today was "Kill Evelyn Day/Lunge at Evelyn Day/Tear Evelyn's Hair Off Day and of course, Panic Day. Then, with that thought in my mind, everything went black.
:::
A/N : Gee, what a nice day Evelyn is having! Heh heh heh...excellent...(does the Mr. Burns finger thingy)
[1] : Pit...Brad...I was referring to Brad Pitt, FYI.
Stifling a yawn infested with extremely lurid breath, I looked around. Everything was kind of dim, but I could manage to make out things somewhat clearly. For a second, I thought I saw a few flitting shadows outside the chamber in the hallway, but shook the thought away. I was NOT going to be John Nash today (did anybody agree with me that Russell Crowe didn't have to ACT schizophrenic-he already was?). I turned my attention back to the Fellowship, who were all in deep slumber (once again, except for Leggie. At least, I hoped he wasn't sleeping.).
God, when were these lazy bums going to wake up? Gandalf had stopped snoring, but Gimli was still going at it like thunder. Every few seconds, he would either mumble something, giggle or scratch his forearm. It must be the hormones, I decided. What a freak. A midget freak.
It was then that I heard it. A faint voice, obviously in a desperate situation. I couldn't make out the words, but the voice wasn't very far off. It sounded very weird, a voice emitted from the throat.
I started, because the wailing was so penetrating through the empty silence. I wondered if it was Legolas. Maybe he was in trouble! Or maybe he liked to talk to himself. The wailing continued, and I became a bit too curious for my own sanity (or what was left of it). I wanted to see what it was, but leaving the Fellowship would surely screw things up BIG TIME. So I mentally did an 'Eenie Meenie Miney Mo'. The voice won. I quietly rose, brushed some dust off my shirt and sneaked out of the chamber.
:::
By now, the lighting had improved. With a slight squint, things could be made out well. I always had nice vision and was proud of my 20/20. Sometimes, when I had been on Earth, I pretended that I was an Elf with the supernatural sight. Too bad the celebrity body, height, ears, perfect skin, agility, hearing and immortality didn't come with that package. Oh well, I was still glad I didn't have to walk around with those huge, black Harry Potter glasses. They were so tacky!
I trotted along, enjoying for the first time, the silence. Middle-Earth really was a nice place. Moria was a bit on the dusty side, but I imagined it to be quite nice if it didn't have so many rotting corpses. I wondered if the female dwarves braided their beards like Gimli.
I guess I wasn't looking where I was going, because as the voice increased in volume, I kind of followed it on impulse. Down corridors, passing bajillions of rooms, take a left there, go straight, make a turn here. Lalalalala...my mind wasn't exactly turned on. So when something grey, shriveled and disgusting smelling suddenly leapt onto me, grimy fingers and all, I screamed like a mental patient.
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Clammy fingers closed around my throat, and I almost gagged.
"Get...off...me!" I shrieked, trying to get that thing off of me. It was clawing at my neck, where I had the fake One Ring replica (from a cheap, $3 bookmark) attached to a slim chain.
"Nassty hobbitsessss," it hissed. Oh God, this couldn't be Gollum. He scratched and throttled at me, sputtering nonsense. "They've got the Preciousssss on their neckssss...oh yessss...their thin and weak necksssss..." I suddenly got the impression that he was trying to kill me, so I panicked.
God, Gollum was mistaking me for a hobbit and my plastic ring for the One Ring and was now trying to decapitate me. What was I going to DO???
I screamed as annoying loud as my throat would let me. The pitch was astounding, I didn't even know this was humanely possible. Anyway, I shrieked and yelped, my voice mingled with Gollum's guttural hisses, and the stentorian sound echoed off the walls. He was grabbing at my hair now, my beautiful hair!!!!!
"Get off!" I ran backwards into the wall, sandwiching Gollum between while trying to unclasp the necklace. He was quite strong for his small size. He writhed and dodged my hands, but gave a yelp of pain when his back crashed against the hard granite walls. Seeing his pain, I did it again, but at the last second, he finally jumped off my back, so it was me who got the pain.
"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" I shrieked, rubbing my shoulder and my head. Ugh, now all my brain cells were gone! I turned around to see the wretched little creature crouching on the ground, preparing to leap at me again. He looked like a shriveled up prune with giant, Elijah Wood blue eyes, which at the moment were fixed disturbingly at my open neck. I quickly tore off the necklace and hurled it with all my baseball talent away.
Gollum quickly turned and ran off to find his 'Ring', and then a horrible thought struck me. When he found out it was fake, he was going to KILL me!!!
Standing there, I started panicking again. What was I going to do? What was HE going to do? No, I didn't want to think about that, those thoughts were reserved for suicides, and I wanted to LIVE! I looked behind me, down into the vast emptiness of a long stone hallway. I couldn't see an end to it, which was good, for my sake. Looking back again, Gollum had already reached the fake ring and was peering at it. I stood, staring at him, waiting for the outburst-
"IT'SSSSSS NOTSSSS REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screeched after a moment's inspection, and that's when I began to run, Gollum cursing as he began to chase after me. Holy crap, I was really in for it.
:::
Now, under normal circumstances, I liked to run. It was relaxing. Especially relaxing when the hottie next door was getting his mail and he saw me, all athletic and in shape and stuff. But this was not under normal circumstances, unless you call a grey frog running after you for tricking him into crooning over a plastic ring normal, which I highly doubt. So, with common sense, one can assume that I didn't like to run with Gollum behind me.
"We wringsss your neck, filthy girlssssssss!" he seethed, a trickle of foul- looking foam running down his withered lips. Gee, somebody was having bad PMS. The dank corridor was dark and colossal, and I felt like a midget, running away from an even smaller midget who just happened to be a sadist and most probably high on something. I ran for what seemed like years, avoiding corpses, weaponry and other sorts of rotting junk lying around. My breath grew short pretty quickly, and I could hear Gollum's labored panting behind me. I kept going, stumbling along in the awkward borrowed clothing. My steps echoed down the hall ungracefully. Gollum's flat bare feet echoed behind my footsteps even ungracefull-er, a reminder that he was still hot on my trail.
"Come backsss here, you nasssty girl!" he seethed. Yeah, right, like I'd really stop, turn around, smile sweetly and let him rip my neck off.
Slowly but surely, I started slowing down. Sweat ran down my forehead and my leg muscles started to ache, along with a cramp in my stomach. Just when I thought I'd collapse and face the end of it all, a loud clanging ran out from what seemed like the middle of nowhere. The noisy racketing bounced off the walls, repeating itself several times before fading into silence. Gollum and I stopped the chase, both of us wondering where the source was coming from. Oddly, the clamor sounded ironically familiar...my eyes suddenly widened in recognition.
"Crap, Pippin! The skull! Eeek!!" I shrieked to nobody in particular. "Ohgod, I was supposed to BE there...Gandalf's gonna kill Pippin, and I hafta stop the Balrog from killing HIM, and then everyone's going to have to stop Gandalf from killing ME for not saving him from being killed by the Balrog, but then again he'll be falling while being killed, so he can't kill me, but the others are going to kill me for killing Gandalf, this is NOT good!" I moaned. "I'm going to be killed," I finally concluded.
All prospects of lunatic Gollum gone from my head, I turned around and began running back as fast as my feet would go, which wasn't really that fast since I was pretty much at the point of blacking out from the exhaustion. Nonetheless, I must've had either a real determined look or maybe it was my unwashed greasy hair that would make even Aragorn jealous, but as I ran toward Gollum, he must've been really scared, because he bolted. Damn, why didn't I do this BEFORE? Now he thought I was chasing him and was making these really sad whimpers, like a dog.
Oh well, that was his corrupted life. I tried to remember where the room we slept in had been, but in midstride figured out that they weren't in that place anymore, they were in Balin's tomb! Ahead of me, Gollum was still flapping around miserably, and took a turn toward a dark wing of Moria. I stopped, panting like a dog, and wondered where to go. Should I follow Gollum? There seemed no other choice, for there was a complete silence in the air, no more clanging to follow. I was just about to turn and stick with Gollum when-
Boom.
Oh God. This could NOT be the cave tr-
BOOM.
The source of 'booming' was very, very close. Gollum, a few feet ahead of me, slowly turned around and looked behind me. I gulped as his huge eyes widened into dinner plates, giving away the news that was not exactly advantageous at this moment. With another loud gulp, I too turned my head, and my pupils became locked with a dozen Orcs and one unhappy cavetroll who was running toward the two of us pitiful creatures with an unfriendly- looking club in his hands and a loincloth that was dangerously loose.
"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And so the chase was on. Again.
:::
While I was running for dear life, a thought smacked against my brain. Hey, I could lead these evil creatures away from Gandalf and the others! With that in mind, I ran harder than ever. These minutes were crucial if they wanted to escape! Maybe they'd go unnoticed, and the Balrog wouldn't kill Gandalf, and so he wouldn't kill me! I grinned, but my slight joy was immediately wiped away when I tripped over Gollum and went flying into the air with a shriek.
"Stupid anorexic weak frogggg!!!" I cursed.
I landed in a rumpled heap, a trickle of blood gushing from my hairline. I tried desperately to get up, but my ankle was hurting me even worse than Britney Spears' voice. To my dismay, the bone stuck out in an impossible angle. I howled in pain, clutching at my broken ankle. Ugh, now how was I going to run gracefully and impress Legolas with this twisted thing? I mentally added 'ankles' to my List-Of-What-I-Hated, right before acne and after Star Wars. Gollum, in front of me, flapped off into the darkness. Stupid traitor. Stupid tripper. Stupid stripper (just kidding).
A growl not too far jerked my head up, and in the darkness I saw an Orc approaching me. Using my arms, I pushed myself as far as possible, but he was running at a mad dash. Oh God, what was I going to do? Panic, panic panic. Was this Panic Day or something? He was raising his spear, ready to thrust-
I ducked as the spear whizzed overhead, just grazing the top left of my head. To my horror, it cut off a lock of my HAIR!! Nevermind that it was dirty and oily and possibly filled with maggots, this was MY HAIR!!!!! An indescribable rage filled me. Gollum had attacked my hair, also. Why were these dirty creatures attracted to my hair? Now that the Orc was unarmed and still a good 100 meters from the rest, I managed to stand up leaning on one leg and gave him a sharp slap.
"You dirty pig, don't EVER touch my hair EVER again!" I slapped him again, and kneed him quite fiercely in the crotch. To my satisfaction, he snorted in pain (ew, how disgusting!) and crumpled to the ground. By this time, the rest of the Orcs and that hideous troll had neared me. A couple of arrows were aimed at me, but the shots didn't hit their intended mark. They were gaining speed very quickly. My hand searched around for something, anything! Surprisingly, my fingers found an old rotting shield and the head of the spear that the foul Orc whimpering in pain had earlier hurled at me. Impulsively, I put the shield in front of my body and in a heroic, graceful move, I flung the blade as fiercely as I could, emitting a wild yell as I did so. It sailed dangerously in the air, right for the troll's chest-
and bounced off his skin. SHIT.
In a last pathetic attempt to stay alive for a few more seconds, I cowered behind the shield. God, I couldn't die like this! The air was disgustingly humid, my head was bleeding, I was on a bunch of corpses with a twisted ankle - this was the pit of the pits. Hmm...was Brad here? [1] Oh well, at least I was buying the Fellowship time. Yeah, buying time with my LIFE. I could hear the heavy steps of an approaching goblin, I could hear him chuckling maliciously under his breath. I braced myself for death as leaned over and raised his sword-
An arrow from the darkness behind whistled in the air and hit the Orc squarely between the eyes. With a gurgle, it fell on me, dagger in hand barely missing my arm. I screamed and pushed him off me as blood poured from his mouth onto me. On second thought, I grabbed his weapon and turned to face another attacking Orc. This one still had the last remnants of goblin hair on his nasty scalp. He was in serious need of shampoo. I waited patiently until he was close, and threw the blade quite pathetically. It hit his arm, making a nice gash in his grey skin. However, this wasn't enough to silence him forever. He lunged at me, only to be pierced with another one of those arrows from nowhere.
I gave a disgusted 'ugh!' as he emitted an abhorrent shriek and fell. Turning around too see who this archer was, I caught a glimpse of blonde hair, a miniskirt and shapely legs.
"LEGOLAS!!!!" I cried happily, rising and forgetting the fact that I couldn't exactly stand. Unfortunately for me, my ankle gave away. Fortunately for me, an Orc who was chasing me from behind didn't stop in time and tripped over me. He sailed like, 10 feet and a loud crack confirmed that his neck was 100% broken.
"Yayayayayayayayayay I killed one!" I exclaimed happily. Legolas shot me a dirty look and kept on shooting. There were only two standing Orcs left and the cave troll, who was busy plucking Legolas' arrows off his grey thick skin and roaring in rage. The two goblins advanced on Legolas, who ran out of arrows (we never saw this in the movie, surprisingly). In a flash, he whipped out his ivory blades.
God, was he hot or what?
The Orc to his left had one of those metal hook thingys, and began to charge at Legolas. My Elven prince ducked as he swung, twirled around (yes, hair flying too) and in a fluid motion, decapitated the Orc. The other one, to his disadvantage, had a bow and arrow, and was aiming one carefully right at my Leggie's chest as he was turning around-
Oh, Valar, he was going to die! Ignoring my twisted ankle, I half-ran, half- dragged myself and lunged at the goblin. Gee, how many people had lunged at me today? Hmm...there was Gollum, and two Orcs, and now, I was hurling myself heroically on a slimy, no-good demon. I caught him by surprise and knocked him down. I pinned his arms down, despite his thrashing and screaming. Legolas ran over and quickly stabbed the Orc. The goblin's wrist twitched under me (I immediately let go), gurgled and went still. Yuck-o.
Legolas helped me to my feet quickly (how enchanting), and I was brushing the filth off my shirt, forgetting something VERY important-
I looked up as the troll's roar rang out. Where was Legolas? I began to turn around, looking for him in the dim light. Something from behind struck me hard, knocking the heck out of me. I swayed on the spot, the world spinning like crazy. With my last once of energy, I concluded that today was "Kill Evelyn Day/Lunge at Evelyn Day/Tear Evelyn's Hair Off Day and of course, Panic Day. Then, with that thought in my mind, everything went black.
:::
A/N : Gee, what a nice day Evelyn is having! Heh heh heh...excellent...(does the Mr. Burns finger thingy)
[1] : Pit...Brad...I was referring to Brad Pitt, FYI.