Sleep, however, was not as forthcoming as he had hoped.
It was almost an hour later and Severus was still awake. Behind closed eyelids his mind was locked into awareness, breathing deep and measured. A welcome darkness dulled his senses, releasing him from the relentless stream of thought that plagued his every waking moment. No need to think -- - no need to feel, he floated somewhere between the ground and the shadows above. A warm contentment numbed his body, and, for once in his troubled life, Severus Snape was at peace.
It was a rare feeling.
They were lying together in the nest of blankets, legs intertwined beneath the sheets and bodies facing each other. Normally he would have drawn away, uncomfortable to be so close to another person. Tonight, however, he resisted the urge. A curious tiredness had taken control of his limbs, leaving him with neither the strength nor the resolve to move away from Sirius.
In fact --- though he would never admit it to anyone, least of all himself --- he drew a great deal of comfort from the sensation. Intimacy, physical or otherwise, was not something that Severus allowed himself much of. From his very earliest years he had learnt that closeness inherently entailed vulnerability --- and that was something that he never would have permitted.
"Sev?"
It was a moment before the Potions Master recognized the whispered word as being directed towards him. It caught him somewhat by surprise - he had assumed that Sirius would be asleep by now.
"Sev?"
Severus remained still and silent, unresponsive. The bastard was probably going to try and persuade him to have sex again. The thought irritated him slightly, his tiredness making him resent any action that might cause him to break away from this warm contentment he had found himself in. This in mind, he kept his eyes closed and his breathing deep, hoping that Sirius would take the hint.
In this pretense of sleep, he felt his lover shift beside him. The space between their bodies closed as Black moved closer, pressing his chest gently against Severus's and moving his head until they were almost nose to nose.
"You know," Sirius whispered, breath warm and tainted with an alcoholic tang, "You never did ask me why tonight was special."
Despite his sleep-induced distance, Snape retained enough presence of mind to be baffled by his actions. He didn't move though --- didn't open his eyes. If he opened his eyes, then it would all begin again. The insults, the animosity, and the inevitable screwing.
He just didn't have the energy for any of it. Not right now.
The sudden pressure of fingers on his cheek almost made him flinch in surprise. Sirius had reached out and touched him lightly, rough hand unexpectedly soft --- almost tentative --- in its caresses. Severus was taken back. The gesture was so --- so *loving* ---
Sirius watched his lover through hooded eyes, expression bearing an uncharacteristic benevolence to the sallow-skinned Slytherin before him. His fingers trailed delicately over his face, tracing the deeply etched lines of grief and worry with a loving touch. He smiled drunkenly to himself.
"Twenty-three years to the day, Sev. I didn't forget."
Severus's expression remained as impassive as ever, betraying nothing of his own inner confusion. What on earth --- ?
Sirius gave a tired sigh and withdrew his hand. "Happy Anniversary."
The reference was momentarily lost on Severus, whose thoughts raced to figure out what Black was talking about. His mind was fully conscious now despite his outer demeanor, this new puzzle snapping him into wakefulness.
And that was when it hit him. Twenty-three years. It was twenty-three years ago to the day a fifteen year old Severus Snape had lost his virginity to a young Sirius Black.
It was their anniversary.
Despite his earlier conviction to ignore Sirius, he found his eyelids flickering open in surprise. His lover also seemed a little shocked - apparently having thought that Snape was, indeed, asleep. They stared at each other silently for a moment.
"Has it really been so long?"
Sirius started slightly at his words, then smiled. "Yes. I'm afraid so." He gave a short pause. "Do you ever think about --- you know --- how things were?"
Severus blinked dully. "I try my best not dwell on such things."
"I know that this probably won't help, but I'm sorry for hurting you."
Charcoal eyebrows drew together in a dark frown. "No, you're right. That doesn't help."
Sirius gave a lazy chuckle, voice slurred with a combination of drink and fatigue. Then his expression changed. He studied Severus with oddly focused eyes, jaw set grimly.
"Sev --- if I ask you a question, will you answer me truthfully?"
The Professor scowled. "I suppose that all depends on the question. And I told you not to call me that."
The other man flashed him a drunken grin. "There are plenty of other names I could call you instead, you know."
"Like what?" Snape gave a short sneer. "Greasy git?"
"I was thinking more along the lines of 'Slytherin sex god' myself."
Severus arched a weary eyebrow, but chose not to comment. "You had a question?" he asked pointedly.
Again, Black seemed to grow serious. His gaze narrowed thoughtfully, lips pressed together in a thin line. He stared at his lover with almost sorrowful eyes.
"Did you ever love me, Severus?"
Severus was startled by the question. He opened his mouth to speak, then promptly shut it again. What did he expect him to say?
--- Did you ever love me, Severus? ---
And the truth was, yes, for a time he had. Back when they were young --- back in the time before the world had had a chance to taint them --- then maybe there had been something in their relationship besides meaningless fucking. He cast his mind back, evoking memories that he had fought so long to ignore. Snatched kisses in deserted classrooms, long nights spent exploring each others bodies, waking up in Sirius's arms.
He thought for a moment, then gave a slow nod. "Perhaps I did --- a long time ago."
Sirius smiled weakly at his words, eyelids dropping half-closed. Severus was surprised by how tired he looked - and not just from the night's activities. His eyes were encircled in purple, cheeks lean and unnaturally hollow. His long hair was mattered around his face, skin now tanned by long months in tropical hideaways. He was almost unrecognizable as the self- assured youth he had been all those years ago.
Sirius looked at him now, reaching out a hand to caress his cheek as he had minutes before. His rough thumb stroked gently at Severus's jaw.
"You know," he murmured, voice barely above a whisper, "I never stopped loving you."
Severus stared at him bleakly for a moment before turning away. He gave a grunt of indifference and turned over until he had his back to Sirius.
"You are saying that because you are drunk," he informed Black flatly.
Behind him he felt Sirius shift under the blankets. "Of course I am," he chuckled softly to himself. "You know I'd never admit something like that when I was sober."
There was a long moment of silence between them. The wooden hut creaked and groaned in the winter's breeze, the lone candle flickering uncertainly in the corner.
Finally, Snape gave a long sigh, eyes staring intently into space. "Go to sleep Sirius."
Neither spoke again for a long time, and when Severus glanced tentatively around some minutes later Sirius had indeed fallen obediently asleep.
Severus himself, however, remained awake all through the night. And when dawns first rays brightened the darkness beyond the hut's single window, he had finally reached a decision.
Slipping silently out of the make-shift bed, he dressed in his robes and waited patiently for Sirius to wake up.
It was almost an hour later and Severus was still awake. Behind closed eyelids his mind was locked into awareness, breathing deep and measured. A welcome darkness dulled his senses, releasing him from the relentless stream of thought that plagued his every waking moment. No need to think -- - no need to feel, he floated somewhere between the ground and the shadows above. A warm contentment numbed his body, and, for once in his troubled life, Severus Snape was at peace.
It was a rare feeling.
They were lying together in the nest of blankets, legs intertwined beneath the sheets and bodies facing each other. Normally he would have drawn away, uncomfortable to be so close to another person. Tonight, however, he resisted the urge. A curious tiredness had taken control of his limbs, leaving him with neither the strength nor the resolve to move away from Sirius.
In fact --- though he would never admit it to anyone, least of all himself --- he drew a great deal of comfort from the sensation. Intimacy, physical or otherwise, was not something that Severus allowed himself much of. From his very earliest years he had learnt that closeness inherently entailed vulnerability --- and that was something that he never would have permitted.
"Sev?"
It was a moment before the Potions Master recognized the whispered word as being directed towards him. It caught him somewhat by surprise - he had assumed that Sirius would be asleep by now.
"Sev?"
Severus remained still and silent, unresponsive. The bastard was probably going to try and persuade him to have sex again. The thought irritated him slightly, his tiredness making him resent any action that might cause him to break away from this warm contentment he had found himself in. This in mind, he kept his eyes closed and his breathing deep, hoping that Sirius would take the hint.
In this pretense of sleep, he felt his lover shift beside him. The space between their bodies closed as Black moved closer, pressing his chest gently against Severus's and moving his head until they were almost nose to nose.
"You know," Sirius whispered, breath warm and tainted with an alcoholic tang, "You never did ask me why tonight was special."
Despite his sleep-induced distance, Snape retained enough presence of mind to be baffled by his actions. He didn't move though --- didn't open his eyes. If he opened his eyes, then it would all begin again. The insults, the animosity, and the inevitable screwing.
He just didn't have the energy for any of it. Not right now.
The sudden pressure of fingers on his cheek almost made him flinch in surprise. Sirius had reached out and touched him lightly, rough hand unexpectedly soft --- almost tentative --- in its caresses. Severus was taken back. The gesture was so --- so *loving* ---
Sirius watched his lover through hooded eyes, expression bearing an uncharacteristic benevolence to the sallow-skinned Slytherin before him. His fingers trailed delicately over his face, tracing the deeply etched lines of grief and worry with a loving touch. He smiled drunkenly to himself.
"Twenty-three years to the day, Sev. I didn't forget."
Severus's expression remained as impassive as ever, betraying nothing of his own inner confusion. What on earth --- ?
Sirius gave a tired sigh and withdrew his hand. "Happy Anniversary."
The reference was momentarily lost on Severus, whose thoughts raced to figure out what Black was talking about. His mind was fully conscious now despite his outer demeanor, this new puzzle snapping him into wakefulness.
And that was when it hit him. Twenty-three years. It was twenty-three years ago to the day a fifteen year old Severus Snape had lost his virginity to a young Sirius Black.
It was their anniversary.
Despite his earlier conviction to ignore Sirius, he found his eyelids flickering open in surprise. His lover also seemed a little shocked - apparently having thought that Snape was, indeed, asleep. They stared at each other silently for a moment.
"Has it really been so long?"
Sirius started slightly at his words, then smiled. "Yes. I'm afraid so." He gave a short pause. "Do you ever think about --- you know --- how things were?"
Severus blinked dully. "I try my best not dwell on such things."
"I know that this probably won't help, but I'm sorry for hurting you."
Charcoal eyebrows drew together in a dark frown. "No, you're right. That doesn't help."
Sirius gave a lazy chuckle, voice slurred with a combination of drink and fatigue. Then his expression changed. He studied Severus with oddly focused eyes, jaw set grimly.
"Sev --- if I ask you a question, will you answer me truthfully?"
The Professor scowled. "I suppose that all depends on the question. And I told you not to call me that."
The other man flashed him a drunken grin. "There are plenty of other names I could call you instead, you know."
"Like what?" Snape gave a short sneer. "Greasy git?"
"I was thinking more along the lines of 'Slytherin sex god' myself."
Severus arched a weary eyebrow, but chose not to comment. "You had a question?" he asked pointedly.
Again, Black seemed to grow serious. His gaze narrowed thoughtfully, lips pressed together in a thin line. He stared at his lover with almost sorrowful eyes.
"Did you ever love me, Severus?"
Severus was startled by the question. He opened his mouth to speak, then promptly shut it again. What did he expect him to say?
--- Did you ever love me, Severus? ---
And the truth was, yes, for a time he had. Back when they were young --- back in the time before the world had had a chance to taint them --- then maybe there had been something in their relationship besides meaningless fucking. He cast his mind back, evoking memories that he had fought so long to ignore. Snatched kisses in deserted classrooms, long nights spent exploring each others bodies, waking up in Sirius's arms.
He thought for a moment, then gave a slow nod. "Perhaps I did --- a long time ago."
Sirius smiled weakly at his words, eyelids dropping half-closed. Severus was surprised by how tired he looked - and not just from the night's activities. His eyes were encircled in purple, cheeks lean and unnaturally hollow. His long hair was mattered around his face, skin now tanned by long months in tropical hideaways. He was almost unrecognizable as the self- assured youth he had been all those years ago.
Sirius looked at him now, reaching out a hand to caress his cheek as he had minutes before. His rough thumb stroked gently at Severus's jaw.
"You know," he murmured, voice barely above a whisper, "I never stopped loving you."
Severus stared at him bleakly for a moment before turning away. He gave a grunt of indifference and turned over until he had his back to Sirius.
"You are saying that because you are drunk," he informed Black flatly.
Behind him he felt Sirius shift under the blankets. "Of course I am," he chuckled softly to himself. "You know I'd never admit something like that when I was sober."
There was a long moment of silence between them. The wooden hut creaked and groaned in the winter's breeze, the lone candle flickering uncertainly in the corner.
Finally, Snape gave a long sigh, eyes staring intently into space. "Go to sleep Sirius."
Neither spoke again for a long time, and when Severus glanced tentatively around some minutes later Sirius had indeed fallen obediently asleep.
Severus himself, however, remained awake all through the night. And when dawns first rays brightened the darkness beyond the hut's single window, he had finally reached a decision.
Slipping silently out of the make-shift bed, he dressed in his robes and waited patiently for Sirius to wake up.