Title: Tangled
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slash, language, self-harm, implied suicide. VERY ANGSTY!
Spoilers: Season 5 BtVS
Pairings: Graham/Xander
Summary: Xander feels guilty
Feedback: angel-jade@buffyrocks.co.uk
Distribution: If you've had my permission before, you have it now. Anyone else, ask first please.
Disclaimer: I do not own characters or make money from using them.
Dedication: CJ because...dammit, you got me into the pairing
*****
Sitting on his bed, his back pressed into the corner of the room despite the cold damp irritating his bare skin, Xander kept his eyes closed, letting the feeling wave over him. His legs curled up so close to his shivering body, he felt safe. It was a feeling he only usually felt in the arms of the man he loved so it warmed him slightly to be unconsciously reminded of that.
His arms throbbed in time with the blood pumping through his veins. His thumb was wrapped tightly in his fist and he could feel his heart beating in time to the short succession of pain. He didn't dare open his eyes now. Now the mania and anger had subsided, he didn't dare look at the mess he'd made of himself. It made everything so real, and he just couldn't let anything ruin this moment of detachment.
"Xan."
So many voices in his head all calling his name and they just sounded *so* real. But Graham's sounded different. He carefully opened his eyes and looked at the man sat on the bed, beside him.
"I wasn't sure if it was you." Xander croaked, carefully.
"It's me." Graham said, his eyes betraying his fear.
Fear that Xander put there.
"I'm sorry." Xander whispered.
"You promised me, Xander." Graham said, the hurt in his voice too much for Xander to bear, so he closed his eyes again. "No more."
"I just needed to..."
"You don't need to." Graham argued. "Nothing happened, did it? Tell me why you needed to if nothing happened."
"Just...hurts..." Xander replied.
"You can't make pain go away by hurting yourself." Graham pointed out.
And Xander just clenched his eyes tighter, willing Graham to just go away because he just *can't* feel any guiltier.
"Please stop doing this to yourself. You know I can't stand to see you hurting." Graham urged.
"But it's okay, it makes me better." Xander swore. And to him this makes perfect sense and he *can't* understand why no one else gets that.
"You call this better? You're pale, shivering and covered in self inflicted injuries...alone in a room not moving...and you say this is normal?" Graham demanded.
Xander shook his head, smiling at the private joke. "I never said *I* was normal."
"Don't you dare laugh at me." Graham snapped, the hurt in his voice wiping the smile of Xander's face.
"I'm sorry..." Xander whispered. "Don't mean to, just that...I can't just stop. Need it."
Graham shook his head. "More than me?"
Xander immediately tensed up, his arms re-covering his knees as he hid himself back in his corner.
"I didn't mean that..." Graham said, quickly.
"You don't want me. I'm just stupid and nothing and ugly and so *fucking* crazy. You're going to leave me." Xander babbled quietly to himself.
"I won't, I swear. I'm right here. See? Not leaving you." Graham reassured Xander, his hands reaching out and touching the bare skin if Xander's leg.
Flinching at the touch, Xander waited to see if there would be any pain to follow. Ironically, the pain only started when he stopped causing it.
"Why don't you come with me?" Graham asked, softly.
"Where?" The question held no interest because Xander knew all Graham was doing was trying to make him forget. But tomorrow he could forget...today was all about getting it out of his system. Can't mix them.
"Out. Somewhere. Wherever." Graham offered. "Just out. You never go out anymore. Lets go and see Willow. Or we could double date with Riley and Buffy. Or just you and me...we could go see a movie or..."
"Stop it." Xander said, calmly. "I'm tired. Can we sleep?" He knew he was making Graham sad and it made that pain in his stomach start again. He knew he'd have to sneak away from Graham and sort it out later. But for now...
"Xander, I'm so worried. Please...just leave the apartment. You can't lock yourself away." Graham begged.
"I'm hurting you." Xander stated. "Why do you put up with me?"
"Because I *love* you. You know I do. You're my everything." Graham explained. "I won't leave you and I won't stop until you're happy again. I miss the old Xander."
Xander nodded, he missed the old Xander too. But they weren't talking about the same one. No one knew about his little self-harm problem. No one but Graham. And even Graham didn't know it all. How long he'd needed it to survive. How his father had made him feel so weak and afraid that he couldn't deal with emotional pain like most people. He couldn't and wouldn't deal and physical pain just made it all go away. Graham knew the mask Xander wore back then. Happy and jolly Xander with a joke and a smile for every occasion. Graham didn't know the real Xander. Because the real Xander had died a long time ago. And now that the mask had dropped? He was just a shell. Xander's face and Xander's body...but not Xander. Graham didn't understand that.
"If you loved me you'd let me be happy." Xander whispered, already knowing there was no way in hell that argument was going to win.
Graham got angry and barely controlled it. "You're *not* happy. Stop kidding yourself. You haven't been for a long time. I don't know what's made you do this, but I wish I did. I wish you trusted me as much as you do that fucking piece of glass you keep under the bed.
Xander's rage soared at the mention of something that was *supposed* to be secret. "You shouldn't look through my things. It's none of your damn business. You're not my fucking father!"
"And you're not the man I feel in love with." Graham replied, holding back tears. "I only want you to trust me."
"Leave me alone." Xander hissed.
"Just tell me why." Graham demanded.
"Get out!"
"Why do you do it?!" Graham yelled back.
"Because I deserve it!" Xander screamed. "I deserve it and I need it and I just don't care enough to stop, why can't you just let me have this?" His tone lowered and suddenly he was crying. Which wasn't right, because Xander didn't cry anymore. He didn't think he could.
"Baby, you don't deserve any of this. You deserve to be happy. You deserve me. You don't deserve pain. How could you ever think that?" Graham asked, taking the younger man in his arms.
Xander wiped stray tears from his cheeks and the burst of emotion vanished from his face. Back to the emotionless one he wore when he was around people. "I don't wanna talk about it. Do you wanna go out or not?"
Pulling away, Graham frowned. "You can't leave it here. You can't just go out and pretend everything's okay."
"You were just saying we should!" Xander pointed out. "Make your mind up. Am I going to bed or going out?"
"You're talking to me." Graham ordered.
"I already have. Haven't you taken enough from me?" Xander demanded.
"Taken? What have I taken?" Graham asked. "I'm trying to give you whatever it is you've lost, back. If I take anything, it'll be those fucking scars on your arms."
"Shut up!" Xander yelled, weakly. Graham could insult him all he liked, but his scars were a no-go territory.
"Not until you explain where all this came from." Graham said, stubbornly. "Things like this don't just happen. There's a reason. What happened to you?"
"I'm cold, can I get dressed?" Xander asked, doing anything to avoid the questions.
"Yes, but we can still talk." Graham countered.
"About what?" Xander asked, innocently.
"Don't mess with me." Graham warned. "You've made me worry, you've made me *cry*, but you will not make me drop this."
Xander shook his head, ignoring the nagging guilt that was festering in his chest. He hurt Graham. He hurt the man he loved. And if his father had taught him anything, it was that when you do things like that, you should be punished. And Xander may not have had his father around any more, but he sure as hell had himself. He wouldn't feel guilty once it'd been taken care of.
"Look at me." The eyes and the tone softened. Graham was trying a new approach.
Xander looked, jaw clenched and finger nails digging into the non-visible areas of his arm. Helped him to stop the tears when they threatened to fall.
"I love you no matter what."
Xander nodded in agreement, he didn't trust himself to talk.
"And I'll always love you. Nothing you can do will push me away as long as I know you love me too."
Xander looked away. He was already thinking...against his will...about how he could get Graham to leave him.
*****
Graham worked. It was one of those undeniable facts that Xander couldn't change because money...like sex...made the world go round. And despite the fact that his had not only stopped turning but come crashing down around him, Graham's needed to keep turning. Not everyone wanted to rest in the remnants of their broken world.
But when Graham worked, Xander was alone. It was both a good thing and a bad. Hating to be lonely but forcing it upon himself anyway, Xander had his good days and his bad days. The fact that the good were getting fewer and further between was a fact only he noticed.
Today, however, was different. It was more than a bad day.
Xander spent the morning crying, beating his fists against the wall in fits of anger. Flashes of blood and wounds were taunting him again. But even worse than that...Graham's face was among them all. He stared at Xander with *those* eyes. The pain on his lover's face was excruciating for Xander.
"Baby...I didn't mean it...I'm so sorry...please make it better again. I can't do this without you."
He rolled off the bed and reached under there, not at all surprised to find his glass missing.
//"You still want to get off early today, Miller? If you've finished, you can go."//
"I'm so bad...I'm wrong. I'm stupid." Xander babbled between choked sobs.
Crawled awkwardly to the bathroom. Through the door and over the cold tiles that beat against his knees with every movement.
//Walking home, wondering what emotional war he'd have to fight that night.//
"I'm hurting him..." Xander whispered to himself, painfully. "Oh God, make it stop."
Using the bath as leverage, he hauled himself off the floor and stood facing the mirror.
//Up the stairs of the apartment block, making a mental note to go shopping later. They were out of milk.//
"So stupid..."
He opened the mirrored door with shaking hands and dug around for something he could use.
//Keys somewhere in his pocket, hiding in a mass of coins.//
"Can't hurt anymore."
Old razor. One that hadn't been removed to keep Xander safe.
"Love you..."
Broken razor in seconds, blade in hand.
"But I can't..."
Deeper than usual and it felt wrong some how. Alien. Knew he wouldn't be coming back from this one. Knew it was for the best.
//Door open. Graham threw his keys to the side.//
"Xander?"
*****
The End
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slash, language, self-harm, implied suicide. VERY ANGSTY!
Spoilers: Season 5 BtVS
Pairings: Graham/Xander
Summary: Xander feels guilty
Feedback: angel-jade@buffyrocks.co.uk
Distribution: If you've had my permission before, you have it now. Anyone else, ask first please.
Disclaimer: I do not own characters or make money from using them.
Dedication: CJ because...dammit, you got me into the pairing
*****
Sitting on his bed, his back pressed into the corner of the room despite the cold damp irritating his bare skin, Xander kept his eyes closed, letting the feeling wave over him. His legs curled up so close to his shivering body, he felt safe. It was a feeling he only usually felt in the arms of the man he loved so it warmed him slightly to be unconsciously reminded of that.
His arms throbbed in time with the blood pumping through his veins. His thumb was wrapped tightly in his fist and he could feel his heart beating in time to the short succession of pain. He didn't dare open his eyes now. Now the mania and anger had subsided, he didn't dare look at the mess he'd made of himself. It made everything so real, and he just couldn't let anything ruin this moment of detachment.
"Xan."
So many voices in his head all calling his name and they just sounded *so* real. But Graham's sounded different. He carefully opened his eyes and looked at the man sat on the bed, beside him.
"I wasn't sure if it was you." Xander croaked, carefully.
"It's me." Graham said, his eyes betraying his fear.
Fear that Xander put there.
"I'm sorry." Xander whispered.
"You promised me, Xander." Graham said, the hurt in his voice too much for Xander to bear, so he closed his eyes again. "No more."
"I just needed to..."
"You don't need to." Graham argued. "Nothing happened, did it? Tell me why you needed to if nothing happened."
"Just...hurts..." Xander replied.
"You can't make pain go away by hurting yourself." Graham pointed out.
And Xander just clenched his eyes tighter, willing Graham to just go away because he just *can't* feel any guiltier.
"Please stop doing this to yourself. You know I can't stand to see you hurting." Graham urged.
"But it's okay, it makes me better." Xander swore. And to him this makes perfect sense and he *can't* understand why no one else gets that.
"You call this better? You're pale, shivering and covered in self inflicted injuries...alone in a room not moving...and you say this is normal?" Graham demanded.
Xander shook his head, smiling at the private joke. "I never said *I* was normal."
"Don't you dare laugh at me." Graham snapped, the hurt in his voice wiping the smile of Xander's face.
"I'm sorry..." Xander whispered. "Don't mean to, just that...I can't just stop. Need it."
Graham shook his head. "More than me?"
Xander immediately tensed up, his arms re-covering his knees as he hid himself back in his corner.
"I didn't mean that..." Graham said, quickly.
"You don't want me. I'm just stupid and nothing and ugly and so *fucking* crazy. You're going to leave me." Xander babbled quietly to himself.
"I won't, I swear. I'm right here. See? Not leaving you." Graham reassured Xander, his hands reaching out and touching the bare skin if Xander's leg.
Flinching at the touch, Xander waited to see if there would be any pain to follow. Ironically, the pain only started when he stopped causing it.
"Why don't you come with me?" Graham asked, softly.
"Where?" The question held no interest because Xander knew all Graham was doing was trying to make him forget. But tomorrow he could forget...today was all about getting it out of his system. Can't mix them.
"Out. Somewhere. Wherever." Graham offered. "Just out. You never go out anymore. Lets go and see Willow. Or we could double date with Riley and Buffy. Or just you and me...we could go see a movie or..."
"Stop it." Xander said, calmly. "I'm tired. Can we sleep?" He knew he was making Graham sad and it made that pain in his stomach start again. He knew he'd have to sneak away from Graham and sort it out later. But for now...
"Xander, I'm so worried. Please...just leave the apartment. You can't lock yourself away." Graham begged.
"I'm hurting you." Xander stated. "Why do you put up with me?"
"Because I *love* you. You know I do. You're my everything." Graham explained. "I won't leave you and I won't stop until you're happy again. I miss the old Xander."
Xander nodded, he missed the old Xander too. But they weren't talking about the same one. No one knew about his little self-harm problem. No one but Graham. And even Graham didn't know it all. How long he'd needed it to survive. How his father had made him feel so weak and afraid that he couldn't deal with emotional pain like most people. He couldn't and wouldn't deal and physical pain just made it all go away. Graham knew the mask Xander wore back then. Happy and jolly Xander with a joke and a smile for every occasion. Graham didn't know the real Xander. Because the real Xander had died a long time ago. And now that the mask had dropped? He was just a shell. Xander's face and Xander's body...but not Xander. Graham didn't understand that.
"If you loved me you'd let me be happy." Xander whispered, already knowing there was no way in hell that argument was going to win.
Graham got angry and barely controlled it. "You're *not* happy. Stop kidding yourself. You haven't been for a long time. I don't know what's made you do this, but I wish I did. I wish you trusted me as much as you do that fucking piece of glass you keep under the bed.
Xander's rage soared at the mention of something that was *supposed* to be secret. "You shouldn't look through my things. It's none of your damn business. You're not my fucking father!"
"And you're not the man I feel in love with." Graham replied, holding back tears. "I only want you to trust me."
"Leave me alone." Xander hissed.
"Just tell me why." Graham demanded.
"Get out!"
"Why do you do it?!" Graham yelled back.
"Because I deserve it!" Xander screamed. "I deserve it and I need it and I just don't care enough to stop, why can't you just let me have this?" His tone lowered and suddenly he was crying. Which wasn't right, because Xander didn't cry anymore. He didn't think he could.
"Baby, you don't deserve any of this. You deserve to be happy. You deserve me. You don't deserve pain. How could you ever think that?" Graham asked, taking the younger man in his arms.
Xander wiped stray tears from his cheeks and the burst of emotion vanished from his face. Back to the emotionless one he wore when he was around people. "I don't wanna talk about it. Do you wanna go out or not?"
Pulling away, Graham frowned. "You can't leave it here. You can't just go out and pretend everything's okay."
"You were just saying we should!" Xander pointed out. "Make your mind up. Am I going to bed or going out?"
"You're talking to me." Graham ordered.
"I already have. Haven't you taken enough from me?" Xander demanded.
"Taken? What have I taken?" Graham asked. "I'm trying to give you whatever it is you've lost, back. If I take anything, it'll be those fucking scars on your arms."
"Shut up!" Xander yelled, weakly. Graham could insult him all he liked, but his scars were a no-go territory.
"Not until you explain where all this came from." Graham said, stubbornly. "Things like this don't just happen. There's a reason. What happened to you?"
"I'm cold, can I get dressed?" Xander asked, doing anything to avoid the questions.
"Yes, but we can still talk." Graham countered.
"About what?" Xander asked, innocently.
"Don't mess with me." Graham warned. "You've made me worry, you've made me *cry*, but you will not make me drop this."
Xander shook his head, ignoring the nagging guilt that was festering in his chest. He hurt Graham. He hurt the man he loved. And if his father had taught him anything, it was that when you do things like that, you should be punished. And Xander may not have had his father around any more, but he sure as hell had himself. He wouldn't feel guilty once it'd been taken care of.
"Look at me." The eyes and the tone softened. Graham was trying a new approach.
Xander looked, jaw clenched and finger nails digging into the non-visible areas of his arm. Helped him to stop the tears when they threatened to fall.
"I love you no matter what."
Xander nodded in agreement, he didn't trust himself to talk.
"And I'll always love you. Nothing you can do will push me away as long as I know you love me too."
Xander looked away. He was already thinking...against his will...about how he could get Graham to leave him.
*****
Graham worked. It was one of those undeniable facts that Xander couldn't change because money...like sex...made the world go round. And despite the fact that his had not only stopped turning but come crashing down around him, Graham's needed to keep turning. Not everyone wanted to rest in the remnants of their broken world.
But when Graham worked, Xander was alone. It was both a good thing and a bad. Hating to be lonely but forcing it upon himself anyway, Xander had his good days and his bad days. The fact that the good were getting fewer and further between was a fact only he noticed.
Today, however, was different. It was more than a bad day.
Xander spent the morning crying, beating his fists against the wall in fits of anger. Flashes of blood and wounds were taunting him again. But even worse than that...Graham's face was among them all. He stared at Xander with *those* eyes. The pain on his lover's face was excruciating for Xander.
"Baby...I didn't mean it...I'm so sorry...please make it better again. I can't do this without you."
He rolled off the bed and reached under there, not at all surprised to find his glass missing.
//"You still want to get off early today, Miller? If you've finished, you can go."//
"I'm so bad...I'm wrong. I'm stupid." Xander babbled between choked sobs.
Crawled awkwardly to the bathroom. Through the door and over the cold tiles that beat against his knees with every movement.
//Walking home, wondering what emotional war he'd have to fight that night.//
"I'm hurting him..." Xander whispered to himself, painfully. "Oh God, make it stop."
Using the bath as leverage, he hauled himself off the floor and stood facing the mirror.
//Up the stairs of the apartment block, making a mental note to go shopping later. They were out of milk.//
"So stupid..."
He opened the mirrored door with shaking hands and dug around for something he could use.
//Keys somewhere in his pocket, hiding in a mass of coins.//
"Can't hurt anymore."
Old razor. One that hadn't been removed to keep Xander safe.
"Love you..."
Broken razor in seconds, blade in hand.
"But I can't..."
Deeper than usual and it felt wrong some how. Alien. Knew he wouldn't be coming back from this one. Knew it was for the best.
//Door open. Graham threw his keys to the side.//
"Xander?"
*****
The End