Many times Reno had thought of telling them about Reeve and the concerns he had expressed. At one point he was almost tempted to bring it up. But he didn't. Reno had himself convinced that Reeve was making a fuss over nothing. He'd since concluded that maybe they were being secretive because they were going to unveil plans for oh, say... a new recycling center, and they didn't want Reeve to know because they wanted him to be pleasantly surprised that it was going to be named after him.
...okay, that was highly unlikely. But he still clung to that minute possibility.
He just didn't want anyone to be worried without cause.
But with that thought, he knew he was kidding himself. In truth, if he ever did bring it up, it would be admitting to the possibility of it being true, when in his mind, he had convinced himself otherwise. So Reno elected not to say anything.
He stepped out onto the concrete of Costa Del Sol harbor, squinting under the bright gaze of the setting sun. It brought out the lighter red highlights in his hair, and lined the side of his pale face with faint color. There were tons of people hurriedly rushing past him, but he maintained his usual slow, lazy pace. It was too hot to be rushed for anything.
This was a nice place and all, but he couldn't tan if his life depended on it. And the humidity made his hair curl. Reno was normally content with any place that had a bar, but at least Wutai had a milder climate. And there, people had the decency not to run around in Speedos.
"Come along, now..."
He glanced over to see a little girl who had strayed from her father's side. At his beckoning and gently-spoken words, she ran back to him, smiling widely as he scooped her up in his arms, affections reciprocated in her dad's caring expression. It was the ideal, picture-perfect example of the childhood he'd never had.
But that wasn't what made him stop walking. There was something about...
...that man's face.
An odd feeling settled in his stomach as he felt the impression that he knew this man from somewhere before. No, he reminded him of someone.
His brow furrowed in frustrated thought. But who? With that tinge of apprehension he felt, he wasn't sure he wanted to explore.
Just then a familiar splash of dark brown edged his vision, and he saw that it was Tifa, who was walking ahead with Cloud. She looked back at him, flipping her hair to the side. Her eyes glittered with warmth, the red in her irises brought out by the sunlight, and she flashed him a smile that made his heart flip.
Involuntarily he returned the smile, the problems of a few seconds ago momentarily forgotten. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was vaguely wondering what had gotten into him; that surely this wasn't supposed to happen. But in that moment he was so immersed in her beauty and so hopelessly lost in the rush of emotions that passed through him when she so much as looked at him... he could care less.
And he was still grinning like an idiot long after she disappeared into the crowd.
Realizing this, Reno snapped out of it, cleared his throat, and subtly looked around to see if anyone has seen him. Then he resumed walking.
His nightstick, in its holster at his belt, slapped against his thigh with every stride. At one point it probably annoyed him, but it had since become a source of comfort. It was like his sunglasses; he just felt funny without them.
Reno found himself wondering what to do next. He was pretty thirsty so he figured he could get himself a drink and traipse around town afterword... as if he hadn't done enough walking the past couple days. Ah well, it couldn't be helped.
With that he made his way to the nearest cafe, making it a point to avoid the bars.
*~*~*~*~*
It was so beautiful out here.
Tifa sighed contently and rested her head on Cloud's shoulder. The air gently whipped around them, a welcome breeze. The horizon burned with color with the sun as it reflected off the water in acidic trickles.
This was how she'd wanted it to be for a long time, just the two of them out here, on this beach. Alone together, finally.
And it was so calm. If she could she would stay in this moment forever, like that one night under the stars. That night before Sephiroth's defeat, when everyone else had gone home to their loved ones, but all they had was each other. It was the single moment of comfort, the quiet peace, the silent consolation... and finally the empty feeling of solitude that plagued her was gone.
They had spent the time talking, and looking out at the brilliant, placid horizon. She chuckled softly at something funny he'd said, and she lifted her head to look at him. His eyes were such a bright blue, clear cerulean in this light. They used to be unclear, a confused mako haze that mirrored the internal struggle of himself. But finally he was able to overcome it, no more complication hardening his features, the clarity back in his gaze. Some things never left him completely but he wasn't going to fall under again, not with her by his side.
Now those eyes were filled with admiration for her, and she thought she could see some mutual reflection of the feelings she no doubt had for him. Maybe she was strong enough. Maybe this time, she could....
Slowly she brought her hand up to his cheek, and made him face her. He looked directly into her eyes as they simpered with and underlying desire, a yearning. "...Cloud." It was now or never.
Something flashed in his eyes, almost curiously, as she had said his name. What she desperately wanted to say, could, in essence, be sensed in that one word.
She didn't say anything else, but instead she leaned in a little more, until their faces were inches apart. She found herself hesitating, fear and anticipation increasing her heart rate. Should she tell him? Before she had resolved not to, because it would mean risking their friendship, what she valued most. But she wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do anymore, because she was silenced. She would have to live with this constant inner conflict, this uncertainty, and the terrible feeling that he was never going to know how she felt. It seemed like a worse prospect than telling him. She had to know. He wasn't resisting her. And she couldn't back out now.
She brought their faces closer yet, feeling elation in her heart with the thought that maybe he really did feel the same way. But at the last second, he started to say her name, and he turned his head; her fingers dragged across his jaw line as he pulled away, new fractures in her heart.
*~*~*~*~*
Reno walked down the steps and onto the beach, treading slowly as not to get sand in his boots. It was getting pretty dark, the sun having nearly disappeared under the horizon. He was looking forward to seeing Tifa again, but the only person he happened to come across was Cloud. He was walking back in his direction, head down. Then he looked up and noticed Reno, something in his eyes quickly fading.
"Hey, where's Tif'?" Cloud glowered at him for addressing her with the endearing abbreviation of her name, and Reno rolled his eyes and added the "a" seconds later.
Cloud looked down again, then at the water, his eyes darkened in almost morose shadows. Shrugging a shoulder, he replied, "She... said she wanted to turn in early."
Reno twisted his face, half in frustration that he'd just missed her, half scoffing at how pathetic Cloud looked.
The spikey-haired blonde suddenly narrowed his eyes at him, suspicious. "Why do you ask?"
Returning the look, Reno sneered at him. Cloud's eyes were such a freakish blue in this light, it was almost intimidating. Almost.
"Just curious," he half-lied, taking sip out of the cup he was holding.
Cloud noticed the yellowish liquid in the glass. "Is that margarita mix?"
Reno frowned at his drink and said rather mutinously, "No. It's lemonade."
He looked surprised and amused at the same time. "...wow."
"Shut up!" Reno snapped. "It's good lemonade."
Not that he didn't think he probably should have started out his day with a nice mimosa or seven instead of a coffee, but he wasn't about to let Cloud know that.
Since Tifa wasn't down here, Reno had no business here out on this beach. He turned and went back up the steps, noticing Cloud was following him. Suddenly he smirked, realizing he could annoy him all he wanted because Tifa wasn't there to elbow him in the stomach. Or bash his head into Cloud's. Or pull his hair. No doubt this had occurred to Cloud as well.
"I see you're still hanging around to annoy me," Reno said smoothly, "but I'm not surprised. Cloud does rhyme with proud, after all."
He glared at the Turk. "Yeah, and Reno rhymes with shut the hell up."
He stretched his mouth out in a crooked line. "That was a bad comeback."
"....." Cloud looked away, and Reno rolled his eyes in utter disbelief.
"Oh, now you're pullin' a Rude on me. Come on, that's all you've got? You can't even say anything remotely insulting. You're pathetic!"
It was steadily becoming darker, but he could still see that Cloud wasn't looking back at him. It didn't even seem that he was going to reply. Reno might have made another snide remark, but he decided to leave it at that. He wasn't so sure if he was in the mood himself, but at least he'd gotten the last word in.
Having only walked meters away from where Cloud stood, he heard him call out, "Oh--! Don't step on the flowers."
Immediately Reno stopped, and looked down at his feet. He had, indeed, been walking through a flower bed. And then it immediately came to him just why he'd said that.
He threw a sharp glare back at Cloud, who was wearing a smug grin on his face. Reno turned back around and huffed dismissively. "Ohh, go hug a tree."
*~*~*~*~*
On the way back to his hotel room, Reno's mind idly wandered back to the father and daughter he'd seen earlier. Not that he wanted to think about it, but he couldn't help but wonder just who it was the man reminded him of. Somewhere between digging around in his pockets for the key card and unlocking the door, it hit him.
It had been an assassination mission.
Reno nearly dropped the key card. Hastily he went in through the door and leaned heavily against it until it shut. The loud click resounded in his ears, jerking him out of the memories he had begun to relive in his head.
He tried to reason with himself, tried to blow this off. He'd done so many missions like it... why did this one shake him up? Today he'd seen a face that reminded him of someone he once had to take out... big deal.
But that wasn't what was so overwhelmingly disconcerting. It was the thought of that little girl, that infinitely happy child in her father's arms, and he felt an unfamiliar pain -- stabbing remorse, as he wondered if he'd done that to people -- if he'd mercilessly taken away loved ones like that. If he were the cause of so much anguish and nightmares....
The thought had never occurred to him. Now that it had, he didn't know how to deal with it.
With a fast, haggard pace, he walked into the bathroom and fumbled blindly with the light. Once on, he he stared at his reflection in the mirror, leaning forward with his hands gripping both sides of the sink.
His blood-red hair hung over his face; both it and the dark slashes across his cheeks starkly contrasted his pale skin. And his eyes... they were the eyes of someone who had seen too much. They had been so sharp but now they were so dully morose... they reminded him more of Cloud's than his own.
Reno couldn't bear to look at himself any longer. Exhaling raggedly, he bowed his head, willing to suppress this sudden flood of emotion. But he couldn't stop it as he thought of the little girl again, and this dark feeling weighed so heavily in his chest.
But it wasn't his fault! He hadn't known... he didn't know what he was doing then.
He snorted in spite of himself. As if what he'd done could be taken back by any apology.
Reno briefly wondered if he was going insane.
Taking a deep breath, he yanked the elastic band from his ponytail.
He needed a shower.
A lobotomy didn't sound too bad, either.
*~*~*~*~*
They were the only blows she could not fend herself against; the only punches she could not block.
They came at her fast and hard and inexorably. And they hurt in the worst way possible.
Tifa leaned back in her bed, her mind reeling with scenes of earlier that evening, her eyes brimming with tears, although determined not to cry.
She was so confused...
The things she'd told Reno she'd really truly believed, and they were true when it came to Cloud. She was convinced this was not just petty infatuation. There was no one else she felt so close to; she'd never felt anything so real.
Then why was it so one-sided?
With that thought it took everything into her power not to burst into tears. This angst, this constant insecurity... she'd been carrying it around for so long. And she was tired... tired of holding it in all the time, tired of having to bear this inner torture alone. She hadn't dared to tell anyone about it.
Suddenly she felt as if she were going to burst.
Tifa buried her face in her pillow, not allowing the tears she couldn't control to run down her face. So she was to continue to put herself through this, so she was doomed to silence.
But what else could she do...?
*~*~*~*~*
If anyone who had met Reno and knew of his character would ever watch him sleep, they would be surprised at how remarkably vulnerable he looked. That indifferent, impervious visage he wore during the day was down, and the side of him he never let anyone see showed when he couldn't keep his guard up; when his dreams claimed him. None other than the darkness would bear witness. In his fitful slumber he looked younger, almost helpless.
Out of the complete stillness he jerked, and bolted upright in bed, his eyes wide open as the nightmare slowly faded from them. His vision was flashing, resounding in his ears with the loud, rapid pounding of his heart.
Realizing it had just been a bad dream he slumped forward, and his body gave way to a horrible shudder. He shut his eyes, only to see the dream play itself over in the backs of his eyelids. They were mostly old memories, ones he wasn't so proud of, some of them already recurring, others stirred up from what he had seen today. As he made some attempt to recompose himself, he wondered if they would ever leave, the old memories and the new guilt.
But he was still trembling, his breathing was still fast and shallow, and he was afraid to fall back asleep... he was afraid to close his eyes. He hated seeing himself come apart like this. He hated not being able to contain himself.
It was only after a long while that Reno was finally able to calm down, the sheen of sweat on his skin dried. He looked down at his bare hands. In his nightmare there had been blood on them.
He knew sleep wasn't coming tonight.
He continued to stare down at his hands, until he heard a knock on his door.
Startled, Reno looked over at it, hardly believing he'd heard. Who could be bothering him at this hour?
He got up out of bed, only to look down at himself. Realizing that he was only in his boxers, he figured it might be in his best interests to at least put on some pants. Quickly he did so, and while he was at it he threw on a shirt.
Reno opened the door, and though his eyes were already adjusted to the darkness, he had to blink several times. "Tifa?"
She smiled weakly. "Yeah. Can I... come in? I need to talk..."
She was in her pajamas, hugging herself as if she were cold. Her eyes were pleading, and she looked so restless. Reno was becoming increasingly concerned. He nodded, and let her in.
Closing the door behind Tifa, he turned his head at such an angle that some of his hair fell over his face. Normally he would have arrogantly swept it out of the way, but he didn't care to right now. He brushed it back from his face, and he noticed Tifa was watching him. Maybe because he looked so miserable, maybe because she had never seen him without his hair tied back in his usual loose ponytail.
Before she could say anything about either, he spoke. "We could talk outside..." He nodded toward the sliding doors at the other end of the room, which led out to a small balcony.
Once out onto it, he faced her. The sea breeze had tousled some of her own hair, and she exhaustedly reached up to fix it. Reno's own eyes complained, but he knew he couldn't go back to sleep, no matter how much he wanted to.
"So what's all this about?" He couldn't help his easy tone of voice. He was more concerned than he let on.
Tifa was silent for a while. It seemed to be a struggle for her to get anything out. "It's about Cloud."
Reno thought she was going to elaborate, but as the seconds stretched by it became obvious that she wasn't.
"...could you be more vague?" He could have kicked himself as soon as that came out. He hadn't meant to be sarcastic.
She closed her eyes and shook her head, giving it another try. After a moment she looked as if she were about to say something, but then she looked up at him with such painful clarity in her eyes that stirred up something in Reno he didn't like the feeling of... the next moment she threw her arms around his neck, and and he was slightly uncomfortable with their sudden physical proximity.
But then she started to cry.
Her sobs were muffled in the shoulder of his clothing. They were so quiet, so feather-soft. Her body wracked with such grief that he could feel in his own chest. It struck a chord in him. He was not familiar with it, and he didn't want to be. His eyes started to burn, he was so numbly overcome.
Instinctively Reno put his arms around her and held her tight. He closed his eyes, resting his chin on her shoulder. "Tifa..." he breathed.
He just wanted her to stop crying. There was something about it that made him want to break down too, in spite of his pride. He almost wanted to grieve with her, he wanted all this pain to be taken away. Both his, and her own.
But the tears kept coming in earnest. There was nothing he could do but hold her and let her cry into his shoulder. He became frustrated at himself as he felt that it wasn't enough. Reno wondered with indignation if Cloud knew what he was doing to her, that he was the cause of all these tears.
Finally her crying subsided, and she lifted her head up. She tried explaining everything to him, all the while her tears threatening to come back. He didn't want her to push it because he hated how it made him feel to see her like this. He didn't like what seeing her cry was doing to him. She was playing his heartstrings... and he couldn't do a thing about it.
They later found themselves leaning against the railing, shoulder to shoulder, staring out across the sand. Tifa had told him all she could. She still looked miserable, but at least she wasn't crying. Reno had his chin resting on the palm of his hand and she was resting her head on his shoulder. He did not feel uncomfortable being this close to her at all.
"Lately I've been thinking more... about leaving him."
"...maybe you should." He gently swept a few strands of hair from her eyes; it was black silk between his fingers. She had such undefiled beauty. Cloud was unworthy of her.
Tifa sniveled, blinking wet eyelashes. "If I did that... then I'd be all alone."
Reno bit back the words that came to mind. But you're here with me.
Suddenly she wiped her eyes, becoming self-conscious. "Oh, just look at me," she almost chuckled. "I've been crying so much, my eyes must look terrible."
"No, they're beautiful." He wasn't being sarcastic. He wasn't flirting. For once he was sincere.
Reno looked back at her, moonlight reflecting off the sheen of her tear-stained cheeks. Dullness was upon her eyes. And he once more felt a pang of loneliness, the cavity in his chest. If only she were his. He wouldn't do this to her. He would never be the cause of these tears.
Slowly she brought her head up to look at him. The sharp liveliness was gone from his eyes. But somewhere in the lackluster she could see a yearning.
He leaned closer in until she could feel his breath caressing her cheek. Gripped by the moment, he brought his hand up to the arc of the back of her neck, slowly tilting her head up to his. Everything seemed to happen so slowly, yet she couldnÕt think to move. And when his lip grazed hers... time seemed to stop.
She trembled in his arms as he began to kiss her. It wasn't harsh or uncaring, but so gentle and sweet. She found herself closing her eyes.
How many nights had she dreamed of this? For how long had she yearned to be held, and shown this kind of affection? It was what she'd been waiting forever for. It was all she ever wanted. Her pulse was racing and she could feel the knife-like beating of his heart against hers. She was hopelessly lost in the euphoria until she remembered.
...this wasn't Cloud. It wasn't Cloud who was showing her this affection.
Breaking the embrace and that lull that had settled over her mind, Tifa pulled away, pressing her palms gently against his chest. "...Reno, I......"
Still under the deluge, he tentatively let go of her. He sighed, not able to meet her gaze, hating how vulnerable he felt. "Yeah......I know..." he said quietly, determined not to let to let it show.
The next moment was awkward silence, neither of them able to face each other. Tifa muttered an apology, then quickly turned and left.
Reno breathed steadily as the fire in his veins burned away to nothing. He slumped back against the railing, disbelieving what he'd just done, the emptiness in his heart filled with blame and frustration. He buried his face in his hands, one clear thought going through his mind.
Cloud, you idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes I have to remind myself -- this is about HIM. He's the one who jumped out at me one day for some reason or another, the one with the infinitely laid-back, carefree facade, in spite of his profession -- what would happen if he cracked? I think that's what I found so intriguing about him to begin with. No, I'm not a silly crazed fan girl. I'm not going to declare him my love muffin in all caps and demand that all of you stay away... good heavens. That would just be insane.
So anyway.... there's not that many more chapters to go. Sorry for almost taking two months to update, but this was such a hard chapter to put out(this one's longer than normal though). Next installment: I think we'll see some more familiar faces, and Reno's gonna tell Cloud a thing or two, among other things.
Sorry, jusy one more thing (I'm tryin' not to get too lengthy here)... for the last chapter alone it seems out of nowhere I got fourteen reviews. And the norm per chapter, before that, was like FOUR. So I was just... *_* Whoaa. Thanks sooooo much to all who reviewed! Do tell me what you think of this one.