Cloud inhaled a deep breath, and took in the view of the town with an injured sort of meticulousness he couldn't help. It was a sight of all shades of gray, houses rising like broken headstones up out of the smoky mist. This place was still as death -- you can sense it in the air -- and somewhere in the whirlwind maze inside of his head, he could still remember...
He could still remember everything that happened here with vividness, such painful accuracy. Wherever his eyes fell, illusions of fire and blood and smoldering wood followed. He could still feel the intense heat, the muted terror that filled him up as it had that day.
And off in the distance, toward the Shinra mansion, he could almost see a retreating silver beacon against a wall of fire.
A sudden cold breeze whipped around him, the whispers of a hundred restless souls. He felt permeable to the icy gale, helpless to everything.
This town hadn't changed a bit. He'd been hoping it had, but it was still the same dreaded place that scourged him with painfully real memories everywhere he looked.
To him this town would always be a monochrome, a lasting portrayal of everything lost and massacred; death-ridden and unescapable. It would stand forever still in defeated aftermath of the chaos that once ravaged here, that still ravaged his mind.
It was Nibelheim, his frozen hell.
*~*~*~*~*Shifting his weight, Reno bowed his head slightly, and stole a sideways glance at Tifa.
Things between the three had gone from bad to worse to pathetic. Now that they hardly said anything to each other, this whole thing seemed to have turned into some bad stare-longingly-at-someone-before-they-notice game. Reno wanted nothing to do with it, but he just couldn't help it. He would throw a yearning glance at Tifa when her head was turned, and she would stare longingly at Cloud when his back was to her. Cloud would sometimes return this gesture, with a rather hopeless look on his face.
It was deplorable and it was awkward. He didn't know how much longer he could stand it.
And this town wasn't very welcoming; something just seemed off about it. There were hardly any residents, and overall it was very depressing. The weather was crummy, too... it was slightly foggy and he couldn't see the sun, though he was sure it would be setting by now. Not that a sunny day could lift his spirits, anyway.
More and more Reno found himself thinking back to the simpler times, the seemingly carefree days when he'd say things that would make Tifa laugh and Cloud fume. But everything became so incredibly complicated in such a short period of time.
Falling for her was thus far the stupidest thing he'd done. There was no way for him to just take back those feelings, even if he knew they weren't reciprocated.
And now because of it, every glimpse of her felt like a kick in the chest.
What bothered him so much was not only that, but their new employer with unclear intentions, not to mention that little girl which brought the triggered memories and unwelcome realization that caused him to consider his hands. The slow burn of pentinence flared up at the mere thought of it. Sometimes it was too much; it would almost feel like the weight of everything would collapse in on his chest.
Suddenly, he felt strangled in his disposition... or maybe it was just this heavy, leaden air. He turned and went inside the inn, for sake of having somewhere to go, instead of watching the view of the gray town and the pale sky... as well as for the sake of not being around Tifa any longer.
*~*~*~*~*The stars were surely mocking her tonight.
She had always loved to gaze up at them, millions of twinkling diamonds against a canvas of midnight, had always admired their vast and endless beauty. The sight was awe-inspiring and very romantic, and had always filled her with some sense of hope. It was so easy to lose herself in the star-filled heavens; they made up some of her best memories of Nibelheim.
But tonight... she couldn't see them. She only found herself gazing up into swirls of black marble, harsh and impersonal. It felt like some cruel trick of nature that the stars would be lost behind the overcast sky, on this night when she felt she really needed them.
She had tried searching for them, looking hard for any hint of twinkling, any beacon of hope, but the sky was coldly opaque, as if nothing was ever behind it.
Tifa sighed, dropping her head down. The familiar rough feel of the wood beneath her gave reassurance, if only for a moment. She was reminded of entirely too many things, being down here at the well again. It made her wonder if she should be putting herself through this, but she wasn't sure if she could handle setting foot in her old house... there was just no place easier to be at. She had no idea how late it was, but she wasn't tired at all.
Absently she swung her legs over the ledge as she always used to. She remembered a long time ago, perhaps since that night before the end of Meteor, she'd thought that she and Cloud would start a new life as soon as it was all over.
As soon as it was all over. She could have laughed at herself. It had been almost a year since it was all over...
And he still didn't know.
One thing was for sure... she certainly had never anticipated being this miserable.
Trying not to become so embittered, she attempted to occupy her mind with something less despairing. No sooner than she had found a more pleasant memory to dwell on, she heard footsteps coming around the side of the well. She could tell by the gait who it was... just the last person she wanted to see tonight.
He stopped tentatively in the corner of her eye, waited in short silence.
"Tifa..." Cloud could not help the unsure, almost insecure tone that edged his voice. He knew he would be able to find her at this well. He moved in closer to her... was it his imagination, or was the air somehow clearer down here?
She did not look at him. "Why are you up?" she inquired. Her words felt so forced to her, mechanical.
He was standing next to Tifa now, looking down at her. At length he replied, "Couldn't sleep." Their conversations had lost their casual levity.
Cloud sat down next to her, and for the first time she wished he would leave her alone. She could not help and hated what it was doing to her, the way her pulse raced and her face heated up; now she dreaded being so close to him. It was pitiful.
Willing her face to stop burning, she studied the wood grains of the well underneath her, deciding they were better to fix her gaze on than Cloud or the uncaring skies. Not wanting to encourage him to be out here longer than he already was, she did nothing more to acknowledge his presence. She allowed the silence between them to stretch longer, as uncomfortable as it may have been, but she told herself she didn't care anymore.
He wordlessly watched her profile, unsure of what to say. "Tifa," he ventured, trying to get her to react to anything he did. Was this what their relationship had come down to, avoidance and hollow conversation? He was discouraged, suddenly very wary of the broken affinity between them.
Tifa didn't give him so much as a glance. "Why did you come down here?"
The tone of her voice was further discouraging. "...because I need to tell you something."
She didn't want to hear what he would have to say but decided not to object. They lapsed into silence again until Tifa waved her hand, almost impatiently motioning for him to get on with it.
Cloud stalled even longer, trying to sort through his troubled thoughts. He didn't know how to begin; he was no longer sure why he came here. "I've been thinking lately," he finally said, staring down at his hands for lack of anything else, "about us..." She dreaded what he was going to say next, but otherwise did nothing. He struggled with his words a little more, blinked several times, conscious of this sudden pall over his heart. "I'm sorry," he ended lamely, desperate for better words that never came to him.
Turning her head, she looked at him, feeling confused and angry and very vulnerable. "For what?" she wanted to ask, but forgot how to say it. He couldn't be doing this, not now... he couldn't be saying what she always wanted to but now could not bear to hear.
Tifa shook her head in disbelief. "Cloud, don't..."
But he went on in earnest, still watching his hands. "It's not like I didn't know how you feel. But I didn't understand why you did. And now, look what I've let happen..." He shook his head as if to clear it, wearily blinking his burning eyes.
"But why..." Tifa asked as he brought himself to look at her, "Why now...?" She felt she had no control over the tears that were threatening to spill; her anger faded and old feelings stirred back up. This was too much, she couldn't take it any longer.
He could see what he had done to her, all the anguish he'd caused, and wondered once again why he had come down here. Tifa, she was too good for him. He feared he was too late, that he'd messed things up for good this time. If she didn't already hate him, he thought she should. "I'm sorry," he said again, "It's not that I don't care about you, because I do. You mean too much to me, you're probably the only thing that went right in my life. I didn't think you'd actually want me, I didn't believe it at first..." Unable to behold the lucid sadness in her gaze, he looked away. "But I didn't realize what it was doing to you. I always thought one of these days you'd snap out of it and leave me."
She wanted to hug him and at the same time she wanted to punch him. But she felt too weak to do either. "What? I would never have... why would you think like that?"
He exhaled a shaky breath. "I'm not the same," he said, "I'm -- there's too much wrong with me. I can't forget what happened... I can hardly sleep without nightmares."
That was why...? "Oh, Cloud..." Tifa threw her arms around his neck; he kept his arms slack at his sides. "You're not in this alone. I know it's hard... but I've stuck by you through everything, haven't I?"
Cloud said nothing but leaned forward and closed any space left between them and held her tight, sighing deeply in grateful relief, feeling those old miseries in his heart ebb away, both his sorrows and her own. They were elated, too immersed in each other to notice someone else in the shadows, who had unfortunately come into view of them just as they finally embraced.
*~*~*~*~*Reno sat alone in the dark, smoking, watching the time pass by on the alarm clock with dry eyes. He reached over for another cigarette but noticed he'd chain-smoked the whole pack. Heaving a tired, impatient sigh, he tossed the empty carton on the floor and lay back in the bed, for lack of any better way to kill time. He closed his eyes and lay still, realizing how tired he was, yet knowing falling asleep would be an entirely different thing.
After a moment he fitfully turned over onto his side, tried to focus on getting rest. But his mind was too troubled, it wouldn't shut off. He was haunted by what he'd seen.
He had only gone out for a smoke, exploring the town a little because he didn't want to just stay inside the whole time. And when he'd seen them like that... well, he'd hardly watched them for a second, but that was all it took. He hadn't meant to come across them... if he'd known what they were doing he wouldn't have gone anywhere near there.
It bothered him entirely too much.
Ashamed for feeling so trivially devastated, he found it easier to focus on blaming Cloud, who in his opinion was the last person on the planet who deserved Tifa's undying affection.
But then the thought occurred to Reno that he might have helped bring this about... which would be all fine and good, if it weren't for the fact that he STILL CARED. He curled up, could have whimpered out of sheer frustration at the thought. Why couldn't he just forget about her? He should have seen this coming, but he went right along and fell hard for some girl who will never feel the same way about him. He silently cursed his vulnerability, this feeling instilled in him to want to love and be loved by someone else.
Oh, what happened to him? What drove him to come apart like this, agonizing over somebody? He used to be able to shut feelings out at will, but he couldn't anymore. It almost felt like it wasn't enough being a Turk, as the very name had been called into question. He was no longer sure where his pride stood, and he feared he had lost his control over his emotions. It was so disheartening, he wasn't even sure who he was anymore.
He turned over again, still staring at the backs of his eyelids, stretching out into new and comfortable positions that never stayed that way. It took forever but he was finally falling asleep, sinking into oblivion ignorant of his own problems, hopefully free of dreams.... until he heard ringing.
It was muffled, right on the edge of his hearing, but that was all it took to cut through to his conscience and jolt him from sleep. His eyes snapped open as he heard the accursed noise again.
It was his PHS.
Reno swore, rubbing his bleary eyes. He was as good as wide awake now.
He leaned over the side of the bed and blindly fumbled through his things. This had BETTER be an emergency... finally he pulled out the phone, now ringing loudly, its little green screen glaring back at him. "Talk to me," he answered into it. Somehow he'd miraculously maintained that casual quality in his voice, though it may have been a little rough on account of his not having said anything in hours.
There was no reply on the other end.
"HELLO?" He tried again, losing whatever little patience he had.
"...........Reno."
He furrowed his brow, unable to immediately identify the caller. That voice was familiar to him, and so distinctive... his eyes widened in the dark as it came to him altogether. "Rude?!"
At length there was a reply: "...yes."
"Hey, man, it's nice talkin' to you again, but -- er," he glanced over at the alarm clock, which read just after three-thirty. "I was sorta... tryin' to sleep."
"...I know. The company told me to give you your new orders."
"Huh?" He scoffed at their amateurish infrastructure; at least Shinra was better organized. Or maybe they'd finally realized how pointless their current assignment was. "Oh, I figured this would come up. We're probably gonna have to pick up garbage, aren't we?"
"...no."
Reno dreaded what environment-friendly task they would have to complete. He wanted this to be over, he didn't want to have to do anything else with Cloud OR Tifa. "Are we gonna build a happy little animal shelter, then? Plant a friendship garden, maybe?"
".....what? No."
"Then what is it?" he inquired flatly. "Come on, the suspense is killing me."
Reno could almost hear the ellipses through the phone. He impatiently drummed his fingers on one knee, waiting, until he finally got a reply: "They want you to kill Cloud Strife."
Now it was Reno's turn to be silent. The blood drained from his face, an odd sort of feeling crept up his spine and made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. He wasn't quite sure he had heard right. "...what?"
"You heard me." Rude, already a man of terribly few words, didn't like to repeat himself.
The true nature of his mission -- however confusing -- was slowly setting in. "So THAT'S why they stuck me with them? They just wanted the leader of AVALANCHE out of the way so they could....." Well, he wasn't sure what they were trying to do. "....man, it's almost like I'm working for another Shinra--"
"That shouldn't matter to you."
And he was right, it shouldn't. But it still did.
Reno didn't know exactly how they expected him to pull this off... or if he'd even be able to. He sighed and distressfully rubbed his face, apprehension filling him up. "Rude, I'm -- I...."
"...so what're you saying, you're not up for the job? What's happened to you, Reno? Don't tell me you've let them get to you..."
He looked down and thought of that little girl again, of the memories and affliction, and the guilt lost somewhere in his chest. He shook his head, couldn't think of how to begin to explain. "Rude. You don't understand..."
"No, you don't understand. You were never meant to question what you're supposed to do. So this is no different than our last job... it doesn't matter. Just play the hand you're dealt."
Reno was afraid he'd already betrayed that principle. He took in a deep breath, found his voice after a long moment. "I can't."
But Rude had already hung up.
He pressed the end button on his PHS, stared down at it long after the green light disappeared.
What was he going to do?
He immediately shook the thought from his head. There was no question of what he had to do. He quickly decided it didn't matter to him, he couldn't have hated Cloud Strife more -- he was an oblivious, bed-headed, undeserving nutcase who STILL got the girl in the end. He was also why Reno had lost his first job... he had every reason to hate him.
He decided it might not be so hard after all.
Again he lay back in bed, creaking the springs, knowing full well he wasn't sleeping any more tonight. Faint moonbeams poured in through the window, etched his lean form out of the darkness with pale light. As he fought to regain his Turk mentality, he wondered just what it meant to him now. It was an ill-fated legacy that he was bound to for life, until the bitter end. It was his disposition. There was no room for remorse, no room for humanity. He was to remain indifferent. That was how a Turk was supposed to be. That was who he was.
Reno looked at his hands, vectors of nightmares for himself and probably countless others, and thought of what he would have to commit. Tomorrow was his last day. He heaved a wavering sigh, finding himself ultimately torn. How he wished he could believe what Rude had said. But Tifa...
With silent apology, he hoped he would be long gone tomorrow before she would see what he'd done.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author's Note: ....alright, I'm... not exactly sure what to say first. Err.... right, so it turned out to be CloTi. And... considering I attracted more Re/T fans, there are probably alot of people upset with me right now. But that's how this was planned all along, folks. The story just wouldn't work out as well if I put Reno with Tifa, anyway(don't get your knickers in a twist, I'm gonna write one of those after this fic is over with). I'd elaborate, but I'm trying to keep this short, and you'll just have to see for yourself.I'm afraid I've let the romance aspect take center stage for awhile. But I think there's always been an underlying angsty side pertaining to Shinra and all the guilt/memories associated with it, which is more related to the central theme of this story. Gah, this is not a kill-off-Cloud fic, it's a Reno fic; it STARTED with and it's gonna END with him. It's something of an introspection. Everything's coming down on him, he's enlightened to what he'd done in the past, he's carrying the sudden weight of all his transgression. And now that he finds himself in this situation, will he go through with it? Can he shrug off this vice grip Shinra has always had on him, and find hope of redemption? There, that's something like it in a nutshell.
Hoo boy, I'm not too late with the update this time around.... I've got about three weeks to get the last chapter up -_-'. I felt real crummy about this installment, it was so hard to write because I don't know how you people will react to it. But tell me what you think anyway, eh? I greatly appreciate reviews (even the late ones, they always seem to come at the right time^^)! So until then... *anxiously waits*...