My Nightmare
[ This is a P/C song FF, and pretty much an AU. It's from Cole's POV. Cole who is all alone now, thinks back on his life with Phoebe. He daydreams on how his life could have been with Phoebe and himself, if he hadn't become the Source, or anything that made his relationship with Phoebe end. However, we both know, and it was said they weren't meant to be together. So eventually even his dream is screwed up. Happy for a while, then poof. It's turned into hell. Poor Cole. His own little mind gone crazy.:[
Song- Tourniquet, by Evanescence. BTW: This is my first song FF, and pretty much second FF. So I'm new to this. :\ And Yes, this is before Cole died, and moves into when he dies.]
Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed, nor do I claim I do. It belongs to Aaron Spelling, The WB network. Etc. I'm just writing a harmless fan fiction. I am, like the rest of Charmed fanatics, a person with way too much time on their hands. ;D
A/N: If you don't like my story, please don't review. That's all I have to say. Okay? To the rest, ENJOY! And please, nice reviews, negativity doesn't help me become better at this!
Prologue
I sat on the bed Phoebe and I use to share. All those memories I had in my head, were mostly with her. I loved her even till now. Even when she doesn't love me any more and moved on. Even when she's tried to vanquish me countless of times, and drove me almost to the breaking point of killing my own self. I still love her. Love is a scary thing. It'll creep up on you when you least expect it, and capture your heart. Or whatever is left of it. That's what love did to me. But I couldn't help myself. I gave in, and now, I'm a prisoner of love. This is my nightmare, which I shall live with for as long as I live.
I stare out of the window. Looking out into the vast city of San Francisco. The only real thought on my mind was, Phoebe. That is all who I can think of. But after a few minutes of thinking on her. My heart begins to hurt, all that love I shared with her is gone. Ripped away from me. But I can always dream of her, my beautiful wife, she'll always be my wife, no matter what. Legal or not legal. She'll always be mine, even if she didn't love me. So, with only dreams to keep me sane, and dreams the only way to see my beautiful wife. I'll dream now, this is my only solution, for now.
Dreaming----
"Phoebe, you know I love you. I try, Phoebe, I try. I'll strip away my powers for you, again!" I said.
"Cole, you know we can't be together. It's just not possible. Look at how many times we've tried, and ended up right back to where we are now." She paced around her room, her hand on her head. Then stopped right in front of me. And kneeled down, to look up into my eyes. I looked into her chocolate brown ones.
"Cole, I would do anything to be with you. But it doesn't seem to be working out." She told me, with a frown on her lovely face. Even when she frowned, she looked beautiful. I had to smile.
"Then, come with me Phoebe. We'll run away together, away from all this mess. We'll live happily, happily as we'll ever be. Please Phoebe. I need you. I love you." I begged her, getting on my own knees. Her eyes had a sad look in them. As if she could just get up and leave her sisters, her charmed life, and runaway with me, she would. But she had obligations. She was a Charmed One. She was needed, and there was really no life in the future with me. But there could be. There could be. If only she would accept, and come with me.
I tried to kill the pain,
But only brought more.
(So much more)
I lay dying,
And I'm pouring, crimson regret, and betrayal.
"Phoebe," I said, pleading. "I know . . . I know what has happened in the past with us. I know how you must have felt, with all the evil, that happened. Me becoming the Source of all Evil, you being the Queen, the baby, trying to vanquish your sisters— But, you've got to understand. Remember before all that happened? When I was human? Our lives were happy, happy. And think now. If we get away from all of this." I gestured toward the house. "If we get away, go somewhere else. Start over. It'll be like those days. When there was so much love and happiness between each other."
"Cole . . . " She started.
"Phoebe please." My voice holding a hint of sorrow.
"Cole, I love you. I love you Cole. I'll go with you, Cole. I will." She said. My heart bursted with joy. She was coming with me. Nothing bad would happen after all. She'll come with me. We'll get away from the Manor, her Charmed Life. My demonic life. And we'll start over, start new and fresh. We'll be in love, and happy.
I hugged her, and she hugged me back. We stayed like that for a few minutes. I could hear her sniffling. So I pulled her out of the embrace and wiped away her tears with my kisses.
"Don't cry, don't be sad. Please. This will be the best for both of us. Your sisters are both powerful. They can handle themselves, and if they ever need you, you can always return." I said to her. I hated to see Phoebe cry, and her crying now, broke my heart. I didn't want to make her cry, I didn't.
"Don't worry Cole, it's okay. I know my sisters can handle it. I'm crying happy tears, Cole. I'm so happy. I want to be with you so bad, and finally I can." He told me, reassuring me. She kissed me, and I kissed her back, and hugged her. Then lifted her off the floor, and put her on the bed.
"We'll go to the penthouse, okay Phoebe? So, at least your sisters might know where to find you. It'll be the best place." I told her, picking up a duffel bag, to put her clothes in. She nodded and began packing her belongings, and things that were precious to her. Soon we were done, and took whatever else necessary for her needs.
"Ready, Phoebe?" I asked her, holding her hand.
"Yes." She answered, pressing her palm to mine.
I shimmered us both out of her room, to the penthouse. Straight away, Phoebe began to unpack her belongings, and put everything she brought with her, in places she would get them from.
I know this was a good idea. It had to be. Our old life was too complicated. Too in the way of our love. So, to get back what I wanted, we had to get rid of our old life. And live a new one. This life was going to be great, better. But all that really mattered to me was, Phoebe. Just to have her here, by my side. Loving me, was great enough.
End Of Dream—
I woke up with a jerk. I was snapped out of the dream that was becoming wonderful. Because all the events between Phoebe and I were erased, but now all that was gone. I was back to reality. Where Phoebe was gone forever from my life.
I sighed, pulling myself up into a sitting position, then got off the bed. The bed I had slept in, after I thought I should dream of Phoebe. At least I still had control over my dreams. Some of them. I could always dream of Phoebe, no matter what. That was all I wanted to do, dream of her, since I couldn't have her in my arms now.
I walked into the bathroom, turned on the sink water, and splashed some cool water on my face. I need to get a grip. I was obsessing way too much over Phoebe. It was going to tear me apart, if I didn't stop. But I couldn't stop. This ultimately would probably lead to my destruction. However, for now. I would obsess. I would dream. And at least be happy in my own head.
So I went back to the bed I once shared with Phoebe, and fell back into that dream, that was so wonderful.
Dream—
We settled into our new lives perfectly. It was as if we were newly weds, on our honeymoon, with nothing to fear at all. We had as much a carefree life, as we could allow ourselves.
Today I had no work at all. And Phoebe was home as well. So we snuggled together on the bed, and held each other in silence. Spoke occasionally, but we kept quiet.
"Do you think, we can stay together like this forever?" Phoebe asked. Her eyes still gazing at the objects in front of her.
"I think we can do whatever we want to do." I answered her, pressing my mouth into her freshly washed hair.
She looked up at me. A smile forming on her lips. I smiled at her too. She was so beautiful, smart, and wickedly bad. I loved her for everything about her.
Her face came closer to mine, and her hand came up to my face, her thumb running over my cheek. I pulled her into a passionate, yearning kiss. I needed her now. I felt I had been too long without her. She didn't stop me either. So I pulled her closer to me, getting her onto her knees, our lips still locked together. The only time out lips parted was either to get some air or kiss somewhere else on our body. Eventually our clothes disappeared off our bodies and we were fully naked. Of course we had made love, all that night.
When I woke up, Phoebe was still there, right beside me. Her body molded into mine, as if she were a glove made only for me. I smoothed away her brown locks, to reveal her sleeping beauty face. She looked truly happy when she was asleep. When she was awake, conscious, her emotions showed on her face easily. I always hated to see her pain that leaked right through the mask she would try and put up. I always hated myself for causing the pain. I never ever wanted to hurt her again. Never.
End Of Dream----
I roused up from my sleep. Just utterly hating myself. The dream had reminded me of why Phoebe wasn't with me anymore. Why things didn't work out with us. Why I hated myself, and sometimes why I hated her. When I truly loved her.
I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
Screaming.
Am I too lost to be saved ?
Am I too lost ?
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
I had done so much pain to Phoebe, and then she still loved me in return. I knew we were meant for each other. Just, things got in the way. I knew we could of fixed it, if only she gave me one more change. Just one more. That was all I needed. But I guess, she had already given me plenty of chances to redeem myself, but I threw it out the door, like I'd get another chance. I didn't. And now I would never. I would never and it was all my fault. This is why I hated myself. Because I caused all of this myself. Our relationship was already going down the drain. It was too lost to be saved. And I was dying inside slowly, very slowly. Love kills slowly. I am too lost now.
I thought to myself much, that night. I didn't sleep. Scared I might rouse more hateful memories of myself. So I stayed up the whole night. But now, I really need my sleep. I feel I can't hold my eyes open any longer. I just hope, this dream doesn't turn into a nightmare. I just hope.
Dream----
Yesterday had been special. Special because that was the night we made love with no worries of the future. No matter what would happen, it will turn out good. We will be together, we were meant for each other.
Only once in a while, did Piper and Paige really need Phoebe for the Power of Three. Phoebe was still a witch, and I was still a demon. But I took part in nothing demonic or evil. I was fully devoted to being good, for Phoebe and myself. I had encountered some of my old partners in crime, but I told them straight off. I was neutral, either good nor evil, so they wouldn't come back. I didn't want to have to do anything with them. They were the source that could break Phoebe and I up, and I would not let that happen.
Our lives were great. We never had any problems with anything. Nothing mattered anymore. Except for Phoebe. That's all that mattered to me. Really. I didn't need anything else, but her.
We spent nights together, or nights somewhere else out of the country or out of state. Visiting every place we could. We just wanted to be happy, and be in love. It was great.
But none of that last. None of it. So far, I have been with Phoebe for seven years now, and all of it has now gone to hell. Our once peaceful, loving relationship, all went to hell. Just because of that evil bastard of a demon. He did all of this, and I had gotten him back. But that made matters worst. Using my powers. I hadn't used them, told Phoebe I would never. But I broke that promise when I repaid the demon back, by vanquishing his sorry ass with a fire ball.
More problems occurred after that as well. Phoebe felt I had broken the promise, but I didn't feel I did. I was doing us both a favor. I was trying to keep our relationship together. And he got in the way, so I had to take matters into my own hands and get rid of him, for the good of our love. Phoebe didn't agree with me. We argued a lot of this matter. Our son and daughter even got pulled into the matter. She said she felt I wouldn't be a good enough father to raise our two children with her. So she was going to take me to family court. We weren't married either too. We both felt that marriage wasn't important if we loved each other anyway. So we didn't get married. But we did have two lovely children. My little boy and little girl. They were twins. Only two years old. And now she wanted to take them away from me. My only real good accomplishment, were my children. They were angels. They were going to be ripped away from me now, over a silly promise she believed I broke.
One day our arguments got too out of control and I went over the edge. I couldn't believe it and I apologized over and over and over to her. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to hit her. I had hit her so hard her face held the black eye for days. Every time I looked at it, I was ashamed, ashamed of who I was and who I had become.
Do you remember me?
Lost for so long.
Will you be on the other side?
Will you forgive me?
She never forgave me for that. Never had I once hit her and now I had. Never would I be able to do it again either. She left me. Took our two children and left to live with her sisters in the manor. When I went to visit, her sisters wouldn't let me through. I couldn't even see my own children.
The bad outcome of that was losing my children. The mark stayed on her face as she went into the court room and the judge ruled in favor of the mother. She had full custody of them at the end of the court's ruling, she had at least had a heart enough to say good-bye to them one last time. I would never see them again, my dear babies, they would never get to know their true father. Because their mother would tell them only the bad side of their father, only the bad and never of the good, loving, caring father and companion I was.
I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
Screaming.
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
End Of Dream----
This time, my eyes only opened. Only my eyes, I didn't bother getting up and trying to get rid of this horrible nightmare, that was plaguing me. It wouldn't leave, and it seemed as if I had to relive the horror of not being with Phoebe over and over in my mind. All because of evil. Just because I wanted to save my life with her, our relationship, everything. All because of that I lost my most precious thing.
Phoebe.
So, as I lay here, I will give into my dream. I'll go back into this nightmare, this black and white movie repeating over and over in my mind. And each and every time I sleep, it turns on. There is no pause button, no mute, no stop buttons. The only way for it to go, is forward. So forward I shall go.
Dreaming----
I don't know how many years have gone by, I haven't kept up, but I know a couple have. My children are growing up without me, and my dear Phoebe, the wife of my heart is no longer with me. All that stays with me is this painful ache in my heart. A painful ache that won't crease but seems to increase each passing day.
Why couldn't she just let me see my children? Or even talk to her on the phone. That would do for me. But she denies me everything. Just how she denies me life with her.
She was in my life, bore me children and with a snap of her fingers, all of that was gone. Poof. Like if it never happened, but it did, it did. I was just denied that part of playing in it.
If she wouldn't let me play in that life, I'll just have to crash into it. I stopped mopping around, and mourning myself and my once family. And I went straight for the manor, straight for what I wanted and would take, even by force.
I sneaked into the manor quietly, looking around for what I wanted. And there, I spotted, my children. Both of them, running around the manor screaming at the top of their lungs, probably playing tag or something. I ran into their game, and caught both of them, pulling them into a hug. This is what I wanted. A nice big family.
"Phillip! Priscilla! Don't run in the house, you know better!" Their mother had yelled through the kitchen door way.
I knew she wasn't really watching them, just scolding them. So I took the advantage and took them. They came with me easily, they knew who I was and always had wanted to be with 'daddy', so I they did.
I took them first to an amusement park, where we rode the Ferris wheel, roller coaster, bought them ice cream and cotton candy. And practically did everything till we almost threw up. Nearing dusk, they were getting sleepy, so I picked both of my little munchkins up and let them rest, taking them back to the penthouse.
There, I laid them on the bed, where Phoebe and I once slept together.
I knew any second now, Phoebe could or would be storming into the penthouse for her children, but I was hoping that would be tomorrow. Not today, not today, don't ruin the precious day I just had with my children who I hadn't seen in years.
To keep myself sane, I sat next to the entrance of the penthouse door. So if anyone tried to get in, I was ready. I could easily shimmer and get my children, and shimmer out somewhere else. Then the day wouldn't be ruined at all. And Phillip and Priscilla will always remember me as the good father I am.
I don't know how long I was asleep, but not very long, till I heard the penthouse door trying to be opened. If it was just Phoebe, I knew I could handle her, but her and her sisters was a different story. And since the door wasn't being blow off already, I knew it must just be Phoebe and that's it.
I walked over to the door, and opened it for her, but shimmer quickly before she saw I had actually let her in, to the bedroom and woke up both of our children, putting a finger to each of their lips to tell them to keep silent. Then taking their hands I walked them outside the door, and to where Phoebe was standing, but she was with her sisters.
Our twins were fully awake and aware of what was going on. I held their hands tightly but not enough to squash their little ones.
"Cole, just let them go..." Phoebe said, as she crept over to us.
I walked them back away from her, and to me. And they did.
"Your issue is with me, not the children, let them go, Cole..." She kept trying to persuade me, but nothing could persuade me to let them go, not tonight, not when I had to suffer for so long without my children, deprived of everything I wanted.
"No, your wrong there. These are my kids too, Phoebe. If you haven't forgotten. They belong to me, as well as they belong to you. But you took them from me, you took what belonged to me, and so I'm here to take what is rightfully mine, back." I stated, glaring at the woman I had actually loved, and still loved.
"Cole, you know that was the ruling of the family court, not me." She said, her eyes pleading with me to let them go. But I didn't, I held onto them tighter, and moved over to the terrace. I was thinking of taking them out there, and then just shimmering out, but I wanted them to see their mother, for one last time.
As I moved, Phoebe moved as well with me, she kept following me, and coming closer, and I didn't like that.
"Don't come any closer Phoebe. If you do, you'll never see them again." I threatened her, picking up Priscilla, and still holding Phillip by the hand. She wrapped her little arms around me, and didn't say a word. Nor did Phillip speak. They made no protest against never seeing their mother again.
She didn't move, she didn't even flinch, her sister knew better not to even take a deep breathe in for fear, I would do something crazy, some unpredictable. They weren't worried I was going to run away with the kids, but I might harm them, in my anger against Phoebe.
I would never. Never.
Heh, there was an old saying, "never say never." And well I did. And now, look where it landed me with. Grief, pain, and sadness.
That day, when I was holding Priscilla, and holding onto Philip's hand, I was backing toward the terrace. But I didn't know that the bar's of the terrace were loose, so even if I leaned on them, I wouldn't know, because they seemed strong and sturdy. But that day, they just had to decide to give away.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation
I backed too far into the bars, and leaned against it, getting ready to shimmer away, but when I felt like I was falling, my arms opened up, and I dropped her. Philip held on to the ledge, and I caught his hand before he could fall. But, she fell. She fell, she slipped from my neck and fell. All I could hear were her screams for me, but I couldn't save her. I watched her fall, frozen in my position. All I could do was scream.
(Return to me salvation)
(I want to DIE!)
Phoebe was hysterical, she took Philip from me, and ran to her sisters. Paige orbed them down to where my daughters body laid. And that was where I saw phoebe hand Philip to Piper, and she picked her the dead body of her daughter. I laid on my stomach, my mouth gaping wide, tears steaming down my face. I couldn't believe it. They knew something bad would happen. And it did. It did, and I couldn't stop it. My darling daughter was dead. All because of me, of me! Phoebe looked up at me, crying, but her eyes, glowing with fire. I knew then, this was the last time, I would never ever see my children, and I would never see her again. I could kiss my thoughts of a relationship with her goodbye.
End of Dream----
A single tear rolled down my cheek, even in my dream, my child dies. Like the unborn baby Phoebe had, but lost. There were so many reasons to why she wouldn't come back, and all that nightmare showed, was my life, in different situations, still ending up the same way it is now.
Being alone, half insane from longing for her and obsessing over her. Just the corruption of myself and what I have done to those I loved.
My nightmare was gone. It stopped. It hasn't been played in my mind for months now. But, I've been going crazy. I know it. I can't handle not being with her anymore, it's almost my 100th birthday, and I just can't stand it anymore! So I've become an avatar. And I'm going to make a world where, Phoebe and I were happy, without Paige, without her sisters at all to get in the way.
But that didn't turn out right. My reality, turned into hell. Phoebe had her own affair and I had supposedly had mine. But that wasn't how it was suppose to go. It wasn't suppose to end up like that, at all! Phoebe and I were suppose to be happy together, not cold and mean, and having affairs like this!
And then, with her sister Paige, slipping in between the cracks. I don't know how she did it, but she did. And she ruined everything as well! Phoebe and I could of have been happy!
Nothing went well, nothing at all! I was going to turn things around in that reality, because Phoebe was willing to change and I was too, only because of Paige, Paige and her little whitelighter self, came and screwed my whole plan.
I don't think you could really blame me for trying this alternate reality. Phoebe and I were meant for each other. I just know it. If we weren't, why did our love last for so long? Why haven't I died yet? I need to keep telling myself, that Phoebe and I are meant for each other, and nothing else can stop that.
Even though I never really doubted myself from being with Phoebe again. My efforts failed. The 'power of three' was too strong to, I couldn't conquer it, and to try to conquer it without Phoebe was like trying to catch the wind and keep it. It was impossible.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My wounds cry for the grave.
My soul cries, for deliverance.
Will I be denied ?
Christ! Tourniquet! My suicide.
Paige had turned what I left in shatters in this reality, into the power of three, and since I was no longer myself, the great unstoppable, invincible, unvanquishable Cole, I was once again the tiny little half demon, Belthazar. They now had the opportunity to vanquish my sorry ass, and they did. Only did I not know, that Phoebe would turn on our love, and backstab me, and throw the potion. I didn't know. She threw with that potion everything that could of been, everything I use to be, everything. Our love, my hope, and forgiveness, was gone. And so was I. You could say, I was insane, and obsessed and pretty much ended up committing suicide for my foolish efforts in trying to make a reality where Phoebe and I could live happily ever after.
But the only problem about being vanquished is just knowing that I had missed my chance, that I'll never get to say my "I love you" as I left that world forever. And I regret that I never did say so. All I can say, is that I will always love Phoebe, no matter what. No matter if I'm dead or alive, or somewhere else.
I will always.