The Strife with Sauerkraut
Danny Stofleth
In the beginning, there was Sam's Club. And inside this Sam's Club is where our story takes place. But first, the characters must be introduced. They are Dangolf the Rough, Froho from the Ghetto (he's from the West Side of the Shire); Spam O'Geez, and their tag-along "Ant" friend, Twigfuz.
Dangolf had just purchased an overpriced, delicious box of Cracker Jacks and was enjoying himself, savoring every tasty morsel of the hunger- defying snack, when he discovered a precious ring buried down deep within the box. "Hoo-Haa!" He exclaimed as he ripped the ring from its candy sarcophagus. "It must be a special ring that we were meant to find. Therefore, I present it to you, Froho," stated Dangolf. But Froho refused the ring after a long debate, saying it made him look too white. After Dangolf magically melded it to his finger however, he couldn't refuse.
They decided to venture down the toy department to entertain themselves, when suddenly, "BABUSHKA!" Out of nowhere, the evilly disgruntled mage Sauerkraut knocked out Froho with his 'magical Little Debbie toaster-oven of all things morally incorrect,' took the ring, and sprinted clumsily through the home appliance aisle, causing random appliances to fall to the ground.
"After him!" shouted Dangolf, barking ravenously at Froho to wake up.
When Froho finally regained consciousness, they were inside a dark, bluish-black Chamber of Death! Well, actually it was a freezer that stored frozen pizzas and happened to have a deep crevice inside. They had fallen into it by accident, mistaking it for a warm and friendly sports mascot. In the meantime, Dangolf was busy fending off a giant demon-beast that wanted to devour Froho's skin. After the brief strife, the beast (now identified as a mallhog) and Dangolf made a peace treaty to end the petty dispute.
After they made up and played a short game of tidily winks, they left the freezer and headed towards Sauerkraut's demonic tower, inconspicuously hidden in the back of the sporting-goods section.
At the exact time they stepped out of the crevice, Dangolf had a sudden and maniacal spasm but recovered instantly to appear in a bright green robe. Then he stated to all nearby, "I shall no longer be known as Dangolf the Rough. I shall now be addressed only by Dangolf the Fairway."
After that minor inconvenience, they arrived at Sauerkraut's 'Tower of Very Bad and Nasty Things.' Since it was miles high and it seemed that there was no way to dodge the buttered toast falling continuously from a high window, they called upon the friend Twigfuz, who was so conviently following right behind them. He had a solution. He called upon his armada of "Ant" minions who immediately flooded the fortress with an overabundance of mold-incrusted, rancid cottage cheese. This plan succeeded but there was one problem. During his Spring Break, Sauerkraut had been working on an equation to create his soil-defiling slave mob of Orks. To accomplish this devious task, he bred subjects from the electronics and customer service departments to join his infernal spawn of evil. They came rushing from the tower, and were heading straight for Spam and the rest of the band. Luckily, the Riders of Gohan appeared from the sky and held them off by asking them annoying and repetitive questions about the two year warranties on their merchandise.
This brought Froho and Dangolf enough time to run up the stairs and slay the instigator Sauerkraut.but before they even got to take one pace forward, a slimy, disgruntled creature who called himself Rollen came rushing down the stairs with the ring, all the while, chanting softly to himself, "My precious.my precious." over and over repeatedly. Sauerkraut was following close behind, running as fast as a mad cow with diabetes that had recently been prodded. He tried to reach out for the ring, but acting clumsy once again, he tripped and fell to his doom into a nearby crevice.
"How nice," stated Dangolf with a somewhat disappointed tone.
"Yea, personally I would have rather been killed by a band of nomadic land monkeys than fallen down there. Only Ea knows what's down that hole," proclaimed Spam O' Geez.
"OK, I've had enough. I'm going back to my crib, yo," rapped Froho as he walked away victorious.
In the beginning, there was Sam's Club. And inside this Sam's Club is where our story takes place. But first, the characters must be introduced. They are Dangolf the Rough, Froho from the Ghetto (he's from the West Side of the Shire); Spam O'Geez, and their tag-along "Ant" friend, Twigfuz.
Dangolf had just purchased an overpriced, delicious box of Cracker Jacks and was enjoying himself, savoring every tasty morsel of the hunger- defying snack, when he discovered a precious ring buried down deep within the box. "Hoo-Haa!" He exclaimed as he ripped the ring from its candy sarcophagus. "It must be a special ring that we were meant to find. Therefore, I present it to you, Froho," stated Dangolf. But Froho refused the ring after a long debate, saying it made him look too white. After Dangolf magically melded it to his finger however, he couldn't refuse.
They decided to venture down the toy department to entertain themselves, when suddenly, "BABUSHKA!" Out of nowhere, the evilly disgruntled mage Sauerkraut knocked out Froho with his 'magical Little Debbie toaster-oven of all things morally incorrect,' took the ring, and sprinted clumsily through the home appliance aisle, causing random appliances to fall to the ground.
"After him!" shouted Dangolf, barking ravenously at Froho to wake up.
When Froho finally regained consciousness, they were inside a dark, bluish-black Chamber of Death! Well, actually it was a freezer that stored frozen pizzas and happened to have a deep crevice inside. They had fallen into it by accident, mistaking it for a warm and friendly sports mascot. In the meantime, Dangolf was busy fending off a giant demon-beast that wanted to devour Froho's skin. After the brief strife, the beast (now identified as a mallhog) and Dangolf made a peace treaty to end the petty dispute.
After they made up and played a short game of tidily winks, they left the freezer and headed towards Sauerkraut's demonic tower, inconspicuously hidden in the back of the sporting-goods section.
At the exact time they stepped out of the crevice, Dangolf had a sudden and maniacal spasm but recovered instantly to appear in a bright green robe. Then he stated to all nearby, "I shall no longer be known as Dangolf the Rough. I shall now be addressed only by Dangolf the Fairway."
After that minor inconvenience, they arrived at Sauerkraut's 'Tower of Very Bad and Nasty Things.' Since it was miles high and it seemed that there was no way to dodge the buttered toast falling continuously from a high window, they called upon the friend Twigfuz, who was so conviently following right behind them. He had a solution. He called upon his armada of "Ant" minions who immediately flooded the fortress with an overabundance of mold-incrusted, rancid cottage cheese. This plan succeeded but there was one problem. During his Spring Break, Sauerkraut had been working on an equation to create his soil-defiling slave mob of Orks. To accomplish this devious task, he bred subjects from the electronics and customer service departments to join his infernal spawn of evil. They came rushing from the tower, and were heading straight for Spam and the rest of the band. Luckily, the Riders of Gohan appeared from the sky and held them off by asking them annoying and repetitive questions about the two year warranties on their merchandise.
This brought Froho and Dangolf enough time to run up the stairs and slay the instigator Sauerkraut.but before they even got to take one pace forward, a slimy, disgruntled creature who called himself Rollen came rushing down the stairs with the ring, all the while, chanting softly to himself, "My precious.my precious." over and over repeatedly. Sauerkraut was following close behind, running as fast as a mad cow with diabetes that had recently been prodded. He tried to reach out for the ring, but acting clumsy once again, he tripped and fell to his doom into a nearby crevice.
"How nice," stated Dangolf with a somewhat disappointed tone.
"Yea, personally I would have rather been killed by a band of nomadic land monkeys than fallen down there. Only Ea knows what's down that hole," proclaimed Spam O' Geez.
"OK, I've had enough. I'm going back to my crib, yo," rapped Froho as he walked away victorious.