I'm alive! Bet you all thought I died, didn't you? Well, I didn't. I
just had major brain freeze. See, I have the entire plot for this story
all written up in my head. So when I go to write a new chapter, I know the
basics of what will happen. But when I was writing chapter 7, I had this
"great" idea to make Bakura fall in love with Ryou. This was _not_ a part
of the original plot. So I had to figure out a way to change the story
around a bit, just not enough to change the ending, cause I still like how
I wanna end this story. So I was completely stuck. But then today I had a
major idea. Granted now the story is gonna be a few chapters longer than I
wanted it to be, but oh well. If people review, I will write.
And that reminds me, Ahhhh!!!! I love all my reviewers! Thank you all soooo much for liking the story this far, and I hope you all keep liking it. For the next few chapters it'll be a bit lighter and fluffier, and then back to it's dark old self. Fun, right? So, without further ramblings from me, I give you chapter 8! ^_^
Chapter 8
I have developed feelings for my light other than lust. Feelings that I have not felt in over 5000 years. Feelings such as love.
I do not know what to do. A part of me tells myself to ignore these feelings. Feelings such as love can only lead to pain. Yet I also want to give in to this love that now burns deep within my heart. Would it really be so bad to love someone and be loved in return? Would it really be so bad to let down the barriers I have built around me and let someone in? Perhaps I would find the life I have dreamed of.
I do not remember much from my past life, but I do remember a deep sense of loneliness burning within me. And I remember it being cured by someone. Who this person is, I cannot remember. But they loved me, and I loved them in return. And I was happy.
I also remember this person being taken from me by the gods. Torn from me, never to come back. Loneliness overtook me again.
This is why I am afraid to open up to this boy, my other half. If I love him, if I let him know about my love, will he too be torn from me, never to return? Would my life once again descend into darkness?
I want to love him. I want to hold him in my arms forever. I want to spend my life with him. I always have, I suppose. He is my other half. How can I _not_ love him? Yet I was stubborn as I always am. I refused to let myself see what others plainly did.
That boy Yugi, he plainly saw it. Or rather, his other half did. Yami. We are not close, although considering that he is the only person in this world remotely connected to my past, I suppose we should attempt to be. But somehow, I am worried about what happened in the past. I almost do not wish to know what horrors my past holds. I have no doubt in my mind that I was not nice. Then again, I don't really think that anyone who knows me _now_ would describe me as nice, either. But I believe that my past was darker than anyone could imagine. Even myself.
But he saw it. Yami saw it. He told me once, but I was too stubborn to listen. His words ring through my head now as I lie next to my precious Ryou, softly stroking his pale, soft hair. He said, "There is a fine line between love and hate, and an even finer line between denial and acceptance. You may not know it yet, but you love that boy. You love him with all your heart, and the only way you will realize that is to deny it. You hurt him because you love him, and in the end, it will bring you two together. Just don't realize it too late."
I do not know how much of his words were truth, but some do ring true. I never questioned why I abused Ryou. I told myself that it was because he was weak and I wanted to make him stronger, but even I knew that that was a lie. But I lied to myself. I denied what I knew was in my heart, and tried to prove my lie by taking it out on my light.
I was an idiot.
As I lie here next to my koi, something within me cries out. My mind recoils in horror, and my heart skips a beat. A thought from last night has resurfaced, and I am appalled at myself. Last night, as I made my way into my hikari's room, I thought to myself, 'He is too gentle for his own good, my hikari. One look into his gentle brown eyes and anyone can see that he can be easily manipulated. He can be used. I do not want that for him. He does not deserve that.'
Yet then, 'I want him to get close to me. Close enough so that he will trust me wholly and completely. Close enough so that I can manipulate him.'
How did I allow myself to become so corrupted? How did I allow my thoughts to contradict themselves so much? How did I allow myself to deny my love for Ryou?
I cannot hold them in anymore. The tears, I mean. 5,000 years worth of tears stream down my cheeks and onto the pillow, disappearing into it. Sobs shake my body, and I know that I am going to wake Ryou up. This thought almost comforts me. I want him to hold me, kiss me, tell me that everything is all right. I want him to love me.
Through my tears, I see Ryou stir in his slumber. He rolls over so that he is facing me, his eyes barely open. Yet he obviously sees me crying, for the slumber disappears from his eyes immediately. He sits up, worry filling his chocolcate-brown eyes. Worry for me. How can he worry about me after everything I've done to him? More tears spill from my eyes.
I slowly sit up and face Ryou. Tears still drip from my eyes and rolls down my cheeks, but this time, they are wiped away by his gentle hand. I look into his eyes, clear and pure. All I see in them is undying love. Undying love for me.
I collapse into his arms, and without a moment's hesitation, he pulls me tightly against himself. I sense his confusion about why I am crying, but I cannot very well tell him, now can I? I cannot tell him that I am crying because I realized that I was an idiot for manipulating him, simply to get him into bed with me. I do not think that even Ryou, as loving and forgiving as he is, could forgive me that.
Fortunately, my light is not one to pry. I know that he will only ask me what is wrong if I let him know it is ok. For now, I simply enjoy the feel of his arms around me. Within his arms, I feel safe. That is all that matters now.
I do not care anymore what memories my past show me. I am not afraid to love. I want to be loved. And I want to be loved by Ryou. I will never let him go.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I awake to the sound of someone crying. I am surprised, for I know that the person in bed next to me if Bakura, and I do not think that he is even capable of crying. But as I roll over, still half-asleep, I see the tears in his eyes, on his cheeks, on the pillow. My yami is crying.
I sit up slowly, sleep forgotten in my mind. Worry fills every part of me. My yami, crying? I did not think such an act was possible. He has always seemed so strong to me, so unbreakable. What could have happened to make him cry like this?
He sits up, facing me. As he looks at me, a fresh batch of tears form in his eyes, and slowly, they fall. Am I the reason he is crying? Could my yami be crying for me?
I push these thoughts aside. They can be answered later, when he is ready to talk. For now, he needs me. I reach out a hand and wipe the tears away, gently, compassionately, lovingly. I love him so much right now, all I want to do is hold him.
As if he read my thoughts, he falls into my arms. I do not hesitate to pull him tightly to myself. I do wish to know why he is crying, but I will not pry. He will tell me when he is ready. _If_ he is ready.
I do not care. I do not care whether he tells me or not. It would be nice, for I want him to share everything with me, I want to be a complete part of his life, but I will not push it. I do not want to push him away in any possible way. I love him too much.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
It is almost midnight. My hikari has been holding me in his arms for almost two hours now, and I never want him to let me go. But I am not crazy. Not completely. I know that we must separate sometime. Slowly, I pull away from his embrace. My light cocks his head to one side, to say, without words, What is it? He looks so cute when he is confused.
I smile a gentle, loving smile, then shake my head. Nothing, I say through my actions. Nothing at all. I kiss him once gently on the lips, then pull him back into bed. "Sleep," I whisper. I can see in my light's eyes that he is tired.
"Ok," he answers back in his soft voice, snuggling back under the covers. I too crawl under the covers, but I do not sleep. I stare at the little clock on the dresser next to me. Even in the dark, I can see the little hands moving minute by minute. It is a minute to midnight now. Midnight. Midnight signifies a new day. And for me, a new beginning. A new beginning with Ryou.
~End Chapter 8~
Whew! Done! I know it took forever to get this chapter up, but it was the longest yet, so that makes up for it, right? ^_~
Well, R&R please! No clue when the next chapter will be up, but it will be up within a week. No longer than that, I promise. *kisses*
And that reminds me, Ahhhh!!!! I love all my reviewers! Thank you all soooo much for liking the story this far, and I hope you all keep liking it. For the next few chapters it'll be a bit lighter and fluffier, and then back to it's dark old self. Fun, right? So, without further ramblings from me, I give you chapter 8! ^_^
Chapter 8
I have developed feelings for my light other than lust. Feelings that I have not felt in over 5000 years. Feelings such as love.
I do not know what to do. A part of me tells myself to ignore these feelings. Feelings such as love can only lead to pain. Yet I also want to give in to this love that now burns deep within my heart. Would it really be so bad to love someone and be loved in return? Would it really be so bad to let down the barriers I have built around me and let someone in? Perhaps I would find the life I have dreamed of.
I do not remember much from my past life, but I do remember a deep sense of loneliness burning within me. And I remember it being cured by someone. Who this person is, I cannot remember. But they loved me, and I loved them in return. And I was happy.
I also remember this person being taken from me by the gods. Torn from me, never to come back. Loneliness overtook me again.
This is why I am afraid to open up to this boy, my other half. If I love him, if I let him know about my love, will he too be torn from me, never to return? Would my life once again descend into darkness?
I want to love him. I want to hold him in my arms forever. I want to spend my life with him. I always have, I suppose. He is my other half. How can I _not_ love him? Yet I was stubborn as I always am. I refused to let myself see what others plainly did.
That boy Yugi, he plainly saw it. Or rather, his other half did. Yami. We are not close, although considering that he is the only person in this world remotely connected to my past, I suppose we should attempt to be. But somehow, I am worried about what happened in the past. I almost do not wish to know what horrors my past holds. I have no doubt in my mind that I was not nice. Then again, I don't really think that anyone who knows me _now_ would describe me as nice, either. But I believe that my past was darker than anyone could imagine. Even myself.
But he saw it. Yami saw it. He told me once, but I was too stubborn to listen. His words ring through my head now as I lie next to my precious Ryou, softly stroking his pale, soft hair. He said, "There is a fine line between love and hate, and an even finer line between denial and acceptance. You may not know it yet, but you love that boy. You love him with all your heart, and the only way you will realize that is to deny it. You hurt him because you love him, and in the end, it will bring you two together. Just don't realize it too late."
I do not know how much of his words were truth, but some do ring true. I never questioned why I abused Ryou. I told myself that it was because he was weak and I wanted to make him stronger, but even I knew that that was a lie. But I lied to myself. I denied what I knew was in my heart, and tried to prove my lie by taking it out on my light.
I was an idiot.
As I lie here next to my koi, something within me cries out. My mind recoils in horror, and my heart skips a beat. A thought from last night has resurfaced, and I am appalled at myself. Last night, as I made my way into my hikari's room, I thought to myself, 'He is too gentle for his own good, my hikari. One look into his gentle brown eyes and anyone can see that he can be easily manipulated. He can be used. I do not want that for him. He does not deserve that.'
Yet then, 'I want him to get close to me. Close enough so that he will trust me wholly and completely. Close enough so that I can manipulate him.'
How did I allow myself to become so corrupted? How did I allow my thoughts to contradict themselves so much? How did I allow myself to deny my love for Ryou?
I cannot hold them in anymore. The tears, I mean. 5,000 years worth of tears stream down my cheeks and onto the pillow, disappearing into it. Sobs shake my body, and I know that I am going to wake Ryou up. This thought almost comforts me. I want him to hold me, kiss me, tell me that everything is all right. I want him to love me.
Through my tears, I see Ryou stir in his slumber. He rolls over so that he is facing me, his eyes barely open. Yet he obviously sees me crying, for the slumber disappears from his eyes immediately. He sits up, worry filling his chocolcate-brown eyes. Worry for me. How can he worry about me after everything I've done to him? More tears spill from my eyes.
I slowly sit up and face Ryou. Tears still drip from my eyes and rolls down my cheeks, but this time, they are wiped away by his gentle hand. I look into his eyes, clear and pure. All I see in them is undying love. Undying love for me.
I collapse into his arms, and without a moment's hesitation, he pulls me tightly against himself. I sense his confusion about why I am crying, but I cannot very well tell him, now can I? I cannot tell him that I am crying because I realized that I was an idiot for manipulating him, simply to get him into bed with me. I do not think that even Ryou, as loving and forgiving as he is, could forgive me that.
Fortunately, my light is not one to pry. I know that he will only ask me what is wrong if I let him know it is ok. For now, I simply enjoy the feel of his arms around me. Within his arms, I feel safe. That is all that matters now.
I do not care anymore what memories my past show me. I am not afraid to love. I want to be loved. And I want to be loved by Ryou. I will never let him go.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I awake to the sound of someone crying. I am surprised, for I know that the person in bed next to me if Bakura, and I do not think that he is even capable of crying. But as I roll over, still half-asleep, I see the tears in his eyes, on his cheeks, on the pillow. My yami is crying.
I sit up slowly, sleep forgotten in my mind. Worry fills every part of me. My yami, crying? I did not think such an act was possible. He has always seemed so strong to me, so unbreakable. What could have happened to make him cry like this?
He sits up, facing me. As he looks at me, a fresh batch of tears form in his eyes, and slowly, they fall. Am I the reason he is crying? Could my yami be crying for me?
I push these thoughts aside. They can be answered later, when he is ready to talk. For now, he needs me. I reach out a hand and wipe the tears away, gently, compassionately, lovingly. I love him so much right now, all I want to do is hold him.
As if he read my thoughts, he falls into my arms. I do not hesitate to pull him tightly to myself. I do wish to know why he is crying, but I will not pry. He will tell me when he is ready. _If_ he is ready.
I do not care. I do not care whether he tells me or not. It would be nice, for I want him to share everything with me, I want to be a complete part of his life, but I will not push it. I do not want to push him away in any possible way. I love him too much.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
It is almost midnight. My hikari has been holding me in his arms for almost two hours now, and I never want him to let me go. But I am not crazy. Not completely. I know that we must separate sometime. Slowly, I pull away from his embrace. My light cocks his head to one side, to say, without words, What is it? He looks so cute when he is confused.
I smile a gentle, loving smile, then shake my head. Nothing, I say through my actions. Nothing at all. I kiss him once gently on the lips, then pull him back into bed. "Sleep," I whisper. I can see in my light's eyes that he is tired.
"Ok," he answers back in his soft voice, snuggling back under the covers. I too crawl under the covers, but I do not sleep. I stare at the little clock on the dresser next to me. Even in the dark, I can see the little hands moving minute by minute. It is a minute to midnight now. Midnight. Midnight signifies a new day. And for me, a new beginning. A new beginning with Ryou.
~End Chapter 8~
Whew! Done! I know it took forever to get this chapter up, but it was the longest yet, so that makes up for it, right? ^_~
Well, R&R please! No clue when the next chapter will be up, but it will be up within a week. No longer than that, I promise. *kisses*