Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I don't make any money. This is what I
do for fun. My friends are getting worried about me.
The flow of hidden memories came to a stop and Snape rubbed his temples in vain.
"My head hurts," he mumbled. It was too much to wrap his mind around. Everything he had known, everything he had been told for as long as he could remember, was a lie. Not abandoned, hidden. Not abused, attacked. Not detested, loved. Albus Dumbledore, the most powerful wizard of the age, was his father.
Oh boy, he wasn't in the mood to cope with this. It would be almost funny if it wasn't so serious. Hello, Severus isn't here right now, but leave a message with Fluffy and if you survive he might get back to you. Gods, he must be going insane.
"Severus?" Snape looked up quickly, startled. Oh yes, the Headmaster was still in the room. And he looked worried. Snape suddenly felt the compelling urge to be alone. Anywhere would do, just so long as he wasn't there.
"Sir," Snape said blandly, standing, "Would you excuse me?" Without waiting for an answer he crossed the room and disappeared into his bedroom, the slam of the door giving away his agitation.
Dumbledore watched the younger wizard flee from the room and sighed sadly. Well, that answered his first question on how Severus was going to take any of this. He was dealing with it by not dealing.
Dumbledore had expected a reaction that was something a bit louder, maybe some thrown furniture, but this was probably just as bad. If left to himself, Severus would push anything he was feeling into submission and ignore it. Rising from his chair, Dumbledore went over to the closed door and knocked.
"Severus?" he called, listening carefully, "Severus, I want to talk to you."
"Go Away," came the reply, slightly obscured by the door between them. Dumbledore paused, undecided between giving Snape his privacy and going in to check on him. Then Dumbledore shook his head. He had let this little masquerade last longer then it ever should have. It was going to end, now.
He pushed open the door and slipped inside, closing it after him. Snape was lying stomach down on his bed, his face hidden in his arms. Dumbledore approached cautiously, not quite sure how to start. Snape would not be pleased with his intrusion.
"Severus?" he asked again, softly, testing the water.
"I thought I told you to leave me alone," Snape hissed, not bringing his head up. Dumbledore, not to be put off by poor manners, sat down on the bed next to him.
"You did," he agreed admirably. Snape declined to reply other then a snort of disgust and Dumbledore allowed himself a very small smile. His child was being predictably difficult.
"Severus," Dumbledore began again, "We really need to talk. Severus?" Dumbledore slowly reached out his hand to rest on Snape's head and instantly knew that he had made a mistake in touching him.
Enraged, Snape threw himself up and off his bed with a snarl, away from the Headmaster. He was beyond agitated now. He was bordering on fury.
"Don't touch me!" Snape yelled, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. "Do. Not. Touch Me." His eyes were burning like blue fire. Anger, confusion, hostility ran through his blood like poison.
'I've lost him,' Dumbledore thought, his heart breaking. This man before him, his son, hated him. He could see it in his eyes. 'Oh Severus, what have I done to you?'
"Why?" Snape demanded in a dangerously low voice, his body beginning to shake. Dumbledore didn't have to ask what he meant by 'why.'
Slowly the Headmaster looked up and met the angry blue eyes. The truth, such a powerful thing; a dangerous thing. But he owed it to him. It was the least he could do.
"It was the last place Voldermort would think to look for you. He was raised in an orphanage himself. He didn't believe I'd do that to you."
Snape looked away sharply. His first thought was 'No shit," but that soon gave way to something else. He tried to push it away. He wanted to stay angry, damn it! Anger protected him, kept others from getting close.
But this other feeling was too strong. It swelled up from his chest, washed over him like a wave, and he felt in danger of drowning.
"You must be so ashamed of me," he whispered at last. Guilt, such harsh demeaning guilt. Why did the Headmaster have to turn out to be his father? The only person he had ever sought approval from. Merlin, why did he always have to let him down?
Dumbledore blinked in surprise. That wasn't something he had expected to hear. He believed that Snape would blame him for everything that had gone wrong in his life. (After all, he blamed himself for his son's unhappiness) This was not anticipated.
"Sorted into Slytherin, always in trouble, a Death Eater for Merlin's sake! I joined the very person you tired to keep me safe from," Snape continued to rant. He hated himself. Gods he hated himself.
Dumbledore couldn't take his self-belittlement and stood. Snape caught the movement and fell silent, redirecting his eyes to the floor. Dumbledore took a few cautious steps closer.
Oh how he longed to hold his son again, to assure him that everything was going to turn out right in the end; to promise that he'd never leave him alone again.
"Severus, child," he started but Snape cut him off with a brief shake of his head. That endearment, so hauntingly familiar, he was not worth it.
"Don't called me that," he ground out bitterly, "I don't deserve it." He was not the son the Headmaster should call his own. Dumbledore needed some golden Gryffindor who had not a cruel thought in his head or maybe a bright Ravenclaw with an amazing mind or a caring Huffelpuff with a gentle soul. Anyone but a bad tempered, sharp tongued Slytherin who would only tarnish a previously spotless name.
"That is not true," Dumbledore said, anger seeping into his words. "You are my son, my only child. I don't care if you don't think you are entitled to my favor. Just let me assure you that you are."
Snape heard the words but couldn't accept them. Years of living around corruption and darkness had made him a devoted skeptic.
"Then why did you wait so long?" Snape challenged. "Hell, if I hadn't found out by accident…" he shook his head fiercely causing the soft auburn curls to spill over his eyes. Dumbledore fought the desire to push the stubborn locks out of young wizard's face and sighed.
"When, Severus? When you entered Hogwarts you were too young to understand. When you left Hogwarts it was too dangerous. With Voldermort reeking havoc, I didn't want to risk sending you out into society with that knowledge. One slip and you would have been killed. After you came back to me? I knew then that I had failed you," Dumbledore forced the painful words out. The Truth, how he hated that phrase. It hurt so much to think about it, The Truth.
"It was my job to keep you safe, keep you happy. I haven't told you because yes, I am ashamed. I am ashamed at myself for taking such poor care of you. You were, are, the most important thing in my life, and I let you down."
Snape wordlessly shook his head, not knowing how to respond. How did one reply to that?
Dumbledore pushed on with his narrative, acidly severe.
"Then, cruelty of fate, you become the only link to Voldermort's inner circle and I have to send you to him or the Ministry has vowed to throw you into Azkaban."
Snape visibly started. He hadn't been aware of that part of the agreement. But then, the idiots in the Ministry had probably forbidden that he find out.
"I die every time you leave because of his summonings," Dumbledore finished with a tight hiss as he looked at the young man before him. His son was so darkly disappointed with his life. And he had been such a happy little boy, had showed such promise.
The deep sorrow returned and with a defeated sigh, Dumbledore sat back down on the bed and looked at his hands. He felt so drained. "Oh gods, Severus, I'm so sorry."
Snape watched the Wizard for a second. He looked so tired with his shoulders hunched in defeat. Sorry. A simple word. But it meant so much.
"Don't be," Snape said, surprised at the words coming out of his mouth. By all forms of logic and reason he knew that he should be furious. But he couldn't. The anger, the insane rage; it wouldn't come.
"You did the best you could, considering the situation." In his heart, he knew that it had been the only option. It still stung to remember his life at the orphanage, but at least he knew why he had been left there. That helped a little.
Dumbledore looked at him something akin to disbelief reflecting in his eyes. Then a faint sparkle of hope. Slowly he held out his arms, invitingly.
Snape paused. His normal response was to avoid all physical contact like the plague. Until he was six, he bit anyone who touched him even if it was an accident. Everyone had known well enough to leave him alone. Especially after he got his wand.
But something else rang in his mind. He had used to like being held. He remembered that now. And his newly recalled memories didn't take kindly to being ignored. He thought he would like being held; he wanted to be held. Damn memories. Still, he found himself moving slowly closer until he was standing in front of the Headmaster.
Carefully, so not to startle the skittish wizard away, Dumbledore pulled Snape down to him. Almost instinctively, Snape found himself curling close to the older wizard, his head tucked under his chin.
Taking it as a good omen that Snape didn't protest to the closeness, Dumbledore slowly wrapped his arms around the young man. Snape stiffened a minute before letting the tension seep out of his body.
Completely and strangely calm, Snape let his eyes flutter closed as he breathed in the familiar scent that had been imprinted on a young mind so long ago. Gentle fingers brushed his long hair out of his face and then moved reassuringly back around him. He felt safe, sheltered, protected.
The two remained silent for some time; each lost in his own thoughts. Finally, it was Snape who broke the stillness.
"Who else knows?" he murmured, his eyes opening slightly. Dumbledore shook his head. He had been very careful to keep anyone from even entertaining the idea that Severus Dumbledore and Severus Snape might be the same person.
"No one," he answered, "Not even our House Elves. They ran and hid in the kitchens when the Death Eaters entered the house. They saw nothing." Snape moved his head in slight acknowledgement and fell silent again. But it was an uneasy stillness that Dumbledore felt radiating off the wizard.
"What's wrong, Severus?" he asked quietly. Snape shut his eyes. He was almost afraid to ask.
"What happens now," he said almost inaudibly. Then he sat up, pulling away slightly from the warmth. "Now that I know. Do you put the memory charm back on me and forget any of this ever happened." Dumbledore looked sorrowfully at him.
"I have to alter your appearance again. I'm sorry Severus, but until Voldermort is defeated your true identity must remain a secret," he paused and the smiled thoughtfully, easing the panic that had spiked in Snape's chest.
"But the memory charm," Dumbledore reached out to gently stroked the young man's cheek, "That is up to you." Tentatively, Snape leaned back against the Headmaster.
"I don't want to forget," he whispered. Dumbledore smiled and hugged him a long second.
"And I don't want to lose you again." Again they fell silent. Snape let his mind drift once more.
Albus Dumbledore was his father. Okay. He was hidden after Death Eaters had nearly murdered him when he was four years old. All right. He had been notorious for eating dirt. Oouuch. That wasn't something he wanted to think about just yet.
As the clock in the other room chimed eleven thirty he sighed and shifted to a more comfortable position. There was so much to sort through, so much he still didn't understand completely.
After all, the clearest memories among those returned to him were from when he was four. The memories from when he was three years old were in fragments and anything under that were just feelings.
"It's going to take a little while to get used to this," he informed his father softly. Dumbledore smiled gently and cuddled him closer against his body. Snape looked up slightly amused.
"That's okay with me," the older wizard replied, happy. "Child."
TBC
Author's Note: Next chapter includes Lupin and Black.
The flow of hidden memories came to a stop and Snape rubbed his temples in vain.
"My head hurts," he mumbled. It was too much to wrap his mind around. Everything he had known, everything he had been told for as long as he could remember, was a lie. Not abandoned, hidden. Not abused, attacked. Not detested, loved. Albus Dumbledore, the most powerful wizard of the age, was his father.
Oh boy, he wasn't in the mood to cope with this. It would be almost funny if it wasn't so serious. Hello, Severus isn't here right now, but leave a message with Fluffy and if you survive he might get back to you. Gods, he must be going insane.
"Severus?" Snape looked up quickly, startled. Oh yes, the Headmaster was still in the room. And he looked worried. Snape suddenly felt the compelling urge to be alone. Anywhere would do, just so long as he wasn't there.
"Sir," Snape said blandly, standing, "Would you excuse me?" Without waiting for an answer he crossed the room and disappeared into his bedroom, the slam of the door giving away his agitation.
Dumbledore watched the younger wizard flee from the room and sighed sadly. Well, that answered his first question on how Severus was going to take any of this. He was dealing with it by not dealing.
Dumbledore had expected a reaction that was something a bit louder, maybe some thrown furniture, but this was probably just as bad. If left to himself, Severus would push anything he was feeling into submission and ignore it. Rising from his chair, Dumbledore went over to the closed door and knocked.
"Severus?" he called, listening carefully, "Severus, I want to talk to you."
"Go Away," came the reply, slightly obscured by the door between them. Dumbledore paused, undecided between giving Snape his privacy and going in to check on him. Then Dumbledore shook his head. He had let this little masquerade last longer then it ever should have. It was going to end, now.
He pushed open the door and slipped inside, closing it after him. Snape was lying stomach down on his bed, his face hidden in his arms. Dumbledore approached cautiously, not quite sure how to start. Snape would not be pleased with his intrusion.
"Severus?" he asked again, softly, testing the water.
"I thought I told you to leave me alone," Snape hissed, not bringing his head up. Dumbledore, not to be put off by poor manners, sat down on the bed next to him.
"You did," he agreed admirably. Snape declined to reply other then a snort of disgust and Dumbledore allowed himself a very small smile. His child was being predictably difficult.
"Severus," Dumbledore began again, "We really need to talk. Severus?" Dumbledore slowly reached out his hand to rest on Snape's head and instantly knew that he had made a mistake in touching him.
Enraged, Snape threw himself up and off his bed with a snarl, away from the Headmaster. He was beyond agitated now. He was bordering on fury.
"Don't touch me!" Snape yelled, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. "Do. Not. Touch Me." His eyes were burning like blue fire. Anger, confusion, hostility ran through his blood like poison.
'I've lost him,' Dumbledore thought, his heart breaking. This man before him, his son, hated him. He could see it in his eyes. 'Oh Severus, what have I done to you?'
"Why?" Snape demanded in a dangerously low voice, his body beginning to shake. Dumbledore didn't have to ask what he meant by 'why.'
Slowly the Headmaster looked up and met the angry blue eyes. The truth, such a powerful thing; a dangerous thing. But he owed it to him. It was the least he could do.
"It was the last place Voldermort would think to look for you. He was raised in an orphanage himself. He didn't believe I'd do that to you."
Snape looked away sharply. His first thought was 'No shit," but that soon gave way to something else. He tried to push it away. He wanted to stay angry, damn it! Anger protected him, kept others from getting close.
But this other feeling was too strong. It swelled up from his chest, washed over him like a wave, and he felt in danger of drowning.
"You must be so ashamed of me," he whispered at last. Guilt, such harsh demeaning guilt. Why did the Headmaster have to turn out to be his father? The only person he had ever sought approval from. Merlin, why did he always have to let him down?
Dumbledore blinked in surprise. That wasn't something he had expected to hear. He believed that Snape would blame him for everything that had gone wrong in his life. (After all, he blamed himself for his son's unhappiness) This was not anticipated.
"Sorted into Slytherin, always in trouble, a Death Eater for Merlin's sake! I joined the very person you tired to keep me safe from," Snape continued to rant. He hated himself. Gods he hated himself.
Dumbledore couldn't take his self-belittlement and stood. Snape caught the movement and fell silent, redirecting his eyes to the floor. Dumbledore took a few cautious steps closer.
Oh how he longed to hold his son again, to assure him that everything was going to turn out right in the end; to promise that he'd never leave him alone again.
"Severus, child," he started but Snape cut him off with a brief shake of his head. That endearment, so hauntingly familiar, he was not worth it.
"Don't called me that," he ground out bitterly, "I don't deserve it." He was not the son the Headmaster should call his own. Dumbledore needed some golden Gryffindor who had not a cruel thought in his head or maybe a bright Ravenclaw with an amazing mind or a caring Huffelpuff with a gentle soul. Anyone but a bad tempered, sharp tongued Slytherin who would only tarnish a previously spotless name.
"That is not true," Dumbledore said, anger seeping into his words. "You are my son, my only child. I don't care if you don't think you are entitled to my favor. Just let me assure you that you are."
Snape heard the words but couldn't accept them. Years of living around corruption and darkness had made him a devoted skeptic.
"Then why did you wait so long?" Snape challenged. "Hell, if I hadn't found out by accident…" he shook his head fiercely causing the soft auburn curls to spill over his eyes. Dumbledore fought the desire to push the stubborn locks out of young wizard's face and sighed.
"When, Severus? When you entered Hogwarts you were too young to understand. When you left Hogwarts it was too dangerous. With Voldermort reeking havoc, I didn't want to risk sending you out into society with that knowledge. One slip and you would have been killed. After you came back to me? I knew then that I had failed you," Dumbledore forced the painful words out. The Truth, how he hated that phrase. It hurt so much to think about it, The Truth.
"It was my job to keep you safe, keep you happy. I haven't told you because yes, I am ashamed. I am ashamed at myself for taking such poor care of you. You were, are, the most important thing in my life, and I let you down."
Snape wordlessly shook his head, not knowing how to respond. How did one reply to that?
Dumbledore pushed on with his narrative, acidly severe.
"Then, cruelty of fate, you become the only link to Voldermort's inner circle and I have to send you to him or the Ministry has vowed to throw you into Azkaban."
Snape visibly started. He hadn't been aware of that part of the agreement. But then, the idiots in the Ministry had probably forbidden that he find out.
"I die every time you leave because of his summonings," Dumbledore finished with a tight hiss as he looked at the young man before him. His son was so darkly disappointed with his life. And he had been such a happy little boy, had showed such promise.
The deep sorrow returned and with a defeated sigh, Dumbledore sat back down on the bed and looked at his hands. He felt so drained. "Oh gods, Severus, I'm so sorry."
Snape watched the Wizard for a second. He looked so tired with his shoulders hunched in defeat. Sorry. A simple word. But it meant so much.
"Don't be," Snape said, surprised at the words coming out of his mouth. By all forms of logic and reason he knew that he should be furious. But he couldn't. The anger, the insane rage; it wouldn't come.
"You did the best you could, considering the situation." In his heart, he knew that it had been the only option. It still stung to remember his life at the orphanage, but at least he knew why he had been left there. That helped a little.
Dumbledore looked at him something akin to disbelief reflecting in his eyes. Then a faint sparkle of hope. Slowly he held out his arms, invitingly.
Snape paused. His normal response was to avoid all physical contact like the plague. Until he was six, he bit anyone who touched him even if it was an accident. Everyone had known well enough to leave him alone. Especially after he got his wand.
But something else rang in his mind. He had used to like being held. He remembered that now. And his newly recalled memories didn't take kindly to being ignored. He thought he would like being held; he wanted to be held. Damn memories. Still, he found himself moving slowly closer until he was standing in front of the Headmaster.
Carefully, so not to startle the skittish wizard away, Dumbledore pulled Snape down to him. Almost instinctively, Snape found himself curling close to the older wizard, his head tucked under his chin.
Taking it as a good omen that Snape didn't protest to the closeness, Dumbledore slowly wrapped his arms around the young man. Snape stiffened a minute before letting the tension seep out of his body.
Completely and strangely calm, Snape let his eyes flutter closed as he breathed in the familiar scent that had been imprinted on a young mind so long ago. Gentle fingers brushed his long hair out of his face and then moved reassuringly back around him. He felt safe, sheltered, protected.
The two remained silent for some time; each lost in his own thoughts. Finally, it was Snape who broke the stillness.
"Who else knows?" he murmured, his eyes opening slightly. Dumbledore shook his head. He had been very careful to keep anyone from even entertaining the idea that Severus Dumbledore and Severus Snape might be the same person.
"No one," he answered, "Not even our House Elves. They ran and hid in the kitchens when the Death Eaters entered the house. They saw nothing." Snape moved his head in slight acknowledgement and fell silent again. But it was an uneasy stillness that Dumbledore felt radiating off the wizard.
"What's wrong, Severus?" he asked quietly. Snape shut his eyes. He was almost afraid to ask.
"What happens now," he said almost inaudibly. Then he sat up, pulling away slightly from the warmth. "Now that I know. Do you put the memory charm back on me and forget any of this ever happened." Dumbledore looked sorrowfully at him.
"I have to alter your appearance again. I'm sorry Severus, but until Voldermort is defeated your true identity must remain a secret," he paused and the smiled thoughtfully, easing the panic that had spiked in Snape's chest.
"But the memory charm," Dumbledore reached out to gently stroked the young man's cheek, "That is up to you." Tentatively, Snape leaned back against the Headmaster.
"I don't want to forget," he whispered. Dumbledore smiled and hugged him a long second.
"And I don't want to lose you again." Again they fell silent. Snape let his mind drift once more.
Albus Dumbledore was his father. Okay. He was hidden after Death Eaters had nearly murdered him when he was four years old. All right. He had been notorious for eating dirt. Oouuch. That wasn't something he wanted to think about just yet.
As the clock in the other room chimed eleven thirty he sighed and shifted to a more comfortable position. There was so much to sort through, so much he still didn't understand completely.
After all, the clearest memories among those returned to him were from when he was four. The memories from when he was three years old were in fragments and anything under that were just feelings.
"It's going to take a little while to get used to this," he informed his father softly. Dumbledore smiled gently and cuddled him closer against his body. Snape looked up slightly amused.
"That's okay with me," the older wizard replied, happy. "Child."
TBC
Author's Note: Next chapter includes Lupin and Black.