Author: Jackiwi
Spoilers: Best say all episodes up to and including season 6.
Series: chained to angels. 1. Get though this. 2. Loosing him in pieces. 3.Moving on. 4. With or without, 5. A new thing. 6.Baby blue. 7. Claxons and red flashing lights, 8. Fallen hero. 9. Daylight, come? 10. Three times before the cock crows. 11. And my soldier cried. 12. Willow trees and white doves.
Rating: PG13 (at least) Warning: Character death, language and adult situations.
Disclaimer: None of the stargate stuff is mine. Only this series is mine. Characters and what not are property of MGM, double secret and Gekko corp. This story is purely for fans reading and enjoyment.
Author's note: This will hopefully move you. There's lots of angst of the Jack and Sam kind. The next few parts will be up on you in the next day or so (I hope) and from there on we'll see how it goes. Most is written, but I have to 'tweak' it a bit and that's difficult to do when you know you should be revising for you're a levels!
Chained to Angels
PART 1: Get though this. "A person can run away from his troubles just as easily as he can run away from his shadow." -Unknown
The look on his face tells me all I need to know. He's in pain, and despite a burn in my heart and my stomach's churning that tells me to help him, the bars hold me back. I can't get to him.
"Aaahhh!"
"Please, Leave him alone! Leave my dad alone." I shout in one last desperate attempt to save him. But his assassin just looks at me, and smiles a smile that sends shivers down my spine. There is no soul behind those eyes. No feeling except pleasure in what his about to do.
I can't look. I reach out for the nearest person. No, one person in particular. The only one that could make this any easier, if that's possible. Jack. I grab his jacket and pull him towards me, laying my head on his shoulder and closing my eyes, praying for it to stop. Then I hear the sound. The sound that tells me it has stopped, but also the sound that tells me if I open my eyes now, my whole world is going to fall to pieces.
I squeeze tighter on the only thing that's keeping me standing right now. My eyes burn with tears that sting as they track their way down my skin, and land on his green jacket leaving little patches of wet. I can feel him holding me, for the first time. I think he has been holding me since the beginning, but I just didn't notice it.
"Carter?" His voice is husky. He must have seen it happen, but was obviously trying to be strong. For me, for himself, for both of us.
I lift my head from his shoulder and turn around, eyes still closed.
I have to. I have to open my eyes. I have to see if he's really. dead. I take a deep breath, and look. He's lying on the floor, back facing me, which I'm glad of. He looks like he's sleeping and It takes a moment to sink in.
He's gone.
He's really gone. Lying less than two metres from me, and I could do nothing to stop it.
I fall to me knees, and just stair at him. My father. Tears come; they fall, and are replaced by another, and another, until I just stop. I can't cry anymore, its like I have no tears left. Suddenly, I just want to get out of there. I fill claustrophobic. I just want to run. Run far away, and never turn back.
I see the opportunity. A guard has opened the cell, to pass in food, if you could call it that. With a determination that no man would dare stand in the way of, I kick him in the stomach, sending him flying a cross the room, and he hits the wall before sliding to the ground. Others come to try and stop me, and others are in there turn sent flying. Jack follows my lead, and together we get out of there, get the ring activator from the now unconscious guard, as Jack tells the others the plan using a concealed communication device. We ring out of there to be intercepted by Teal'c and Jonas waiting in a cargo ship.
XX
Back at the base we go though the usual procedure. Medical, debriefing, etc. Every one tells me how there sorry, and how he'll be missed, but it's meaningless. I feel like a part of me is missing. We didn't even have enough time to bring his body back.
Getting sick of hearing everyone pretending they understand, when they don't have a clue, I head for the showers.
The room is empty, which I am grateful for. Stepping in the shower I turn up the water to the maximum pressure and heat that my tried body can stand. The water runs over my body and brings physical relief, if nothing else. I can't believe how much this. sucks, for want of a better word. I only just lost Daniel, and it was only a few weeks ago that I thought I was going to lose Jack. Sure, I cried about that, and Teal'c helped me though that. It was a relief to cry, it let out all the emotions I've had to repress over the last few years. But crying doesn't seem enough now.
A new thought crosses my mind, and forces me to take a sharp breath as I realise I've been holding the same old stale air in my lungs. I'm an orphan now. My mother died years ago, but the pain is still fresh in my heart. But now, dads gone too.
Oh god, how am I gonna tell Mark. I can't tell him the truth, but I'm not sure I can lie to him about this.
I turn the shower off, deciding that I need to go home. I get my stuff, and leave.
XX
TEN DAYS LATER
Mark has been told. I told him Dad had heart attack, and that he died instantly. He wasn't in any pain. I couldn't tell him that our father had been tortured to death by an alien known as a goa'uld.
He was upset, I could tell, but he tried not to let me hear it in his voice.
Ever since it happened, I haven't been able to think straight. Sitting in an armchair, with the telly on, but not watching it, just starring in to thin air.
There's a knock at the door, and I reluctantly go to answer it, checking that the tears that were flowing steadily have stopped, on the way.
"Sir!" I was surprised to see him.
"Carter. ... Gonna let me in?"
"Yeah! Sorry." I finally get out of his way and allow him to enter my house.
We walk though to the kitchen where he puts down the bag of groceries that I've only just noticed him carrying.
"How are you holding up?" He asks nervously. "I'm holding up ok." I force a smile, but he doesn't buy it.
"Ok meaning.?"
I put one hand on my head and brush back my hair. " I'm. to tell you the truth, I'm not holding up at all." I give in to his looks. " The first few days were the worst. I didn't get out of bed, I just lay there, not even sleeping, just thinking. I've been thinking a lot, about something, and about nothing. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I used to know exactly where I was going, and what I wanted, but now."
He reaches out and takes my hand, leading me to sit down. After a moment, when where both sitting at the kitchen table, he notices that he is still holding my hand, and tries to pull it away, but I don't let him. I need the strength it's giving me right now.
"It's only been ten days, Sam." The use of my name startles me.
"Give yourself more time. I know, when you lose someone. its like your whole world has been pulled out from under your feet. You'd do anything to make the pain go away, to somehow fix things. But no matter how hard you try, there's nothing you or anyone else can do to make it better. It just takes time. The pain just gets. less, after a while, 'til you find you can go though the day, and not even feel it. But the scars are always there."
I squeeze his hand tighter. He's right. The scars are always there, and suddenly I can see them on his face. The years he's spent alone, blaming himself for Charlie's death. I know it's against regs to feel the way I feel about him, but I don't give a shit about them right now. I touch his face, laying my free hand on his left check, and running the back of my index finger along it.
"We'll get though this together Sam. You don't have to do it alone."
He puts his hand on top of mine and pulls it to his mouth, where he lays a kiss on it, making me smile, if only briefly, for the first time in what feels like years.
~X~ Part two coming soon!
Spoilers: Best say all episodes up to and including season 6.
Series: chained to angels. 1. Get though this. 2. Loosing him in pieces. 3.Moving on. 4. With or without, 5. A new thing. 6.Baby blue. 7. Claxons and red flashing lights, 8. Fallen hero. 9. Daylight, come? 10. Three times before the cock crows. 11. And my soldier cried. 12. Willow trees and white doves.
Rating: PG13 (at least) Warning: Character death, language and adult situations.
Disclaimer: None of the stargate stuff is mine. Only this series is mine. Characters and what not are property of MGM, double secret and Gekko corp. This story is purely for fans reading and enjoyment.
Author's note: This will hopefully move you. There's lots of angst of the Jack and Sam kind. The next few parts will be up on you in the next day or so (I hope) and from there on we'll see how it goes. Most is written, but I have to 'tweak' it a bit and that's difficult to do when you know you should be revising for you're a levels!
Chained to Angels
PART 1: Get though this. "A person can run away from his troubles just as easily as he can run away from his shadow." -Unknown
The look on his face tells me all I need to know. He's in pain, and despite a burn in my heart and my stomach's churning that tells me to help him, the bars hold me back. I can't get to him.
"Aaahhh!"
"Please, Leave him alone! Leave my dad alone." I shout in one last desperate attempt to save him. But his assassin just looks at me, and smiles a smile that sends shivers down my spine. There is no soul behind those eyes. No feeling except pleasure in what his about to do.
I can't look. I reach out for the nearest person. No, one person in particular. The only one that could make this any easier, if that's possible. Jack. I grab his jacket and pull him towards me, laying my head on his shoulder and closing my eyes, praying for it to stop. Then I hear the sound. The sound that tells me it has stopped, but also the sound that tells me if I open my eyes now, my whole world is going to fall to pieces.
I squeeze tighter on the only thing that's keeping me standing right now. My eyes burn with tears that sting as they track their way down my skin, and land on his green jacket leaving little patches of wet. I can feel him holding me, for the first time. I think he has been holding me since the beginning, but I just didn't notice it.
"Carter?" His voice is husky. He must have seen it happen, but was obviously trying to be strong. For me, for himself, for both of us.
I lift my head from his shoulder and turn around, eyes still closed.
I have to. I have to open my eyes. I have to see if he's really. dead. I take a deep breath, and look. He's lying on the floor, back facing me, which I'm glad of. He looks like he's sleeping and It takes a moment to sink in.
He's gone.
He's really gone. Lying less than two metres from me, and I could do nothing to stop it.
I fall to me knees, and just stair at him. My father. Tears come; they fall, and are replaced by another, and another, until I just stop. I can't cry anymore, its like I have no tears left. Suddenly, I just want to get out of there. I fill claustrophobic. I just want to run. Run far away, and never turn back.
I see the opportunity. A guard has opened the cell, to pass in food, if you could call it that. With a determination that no man would dare stand in the way of, I kick him in the stomach, sending him flying a cross the room, and he hits the wall before sliding to the ground. Others come to try and stop me, and others are in there turn sent flying. Jack follows my lead, and together we get out of there, get the ring activator from the now unconscious guard, as Jack tells the others the plan using a concealed communication device. We ring out of there to be intercepted by Teal'c and Jonas waiting in a cargo ship.
XX
Back at the base we go though the usual procedure. Medical, debriefing, etc. Every one tells me how there sorry, and how he'll be missed, but it's meaningless. I feel like a part of me is missing. We didn't even have enough time to bring his body back.
Getting sick of hearing everyone pretending they understand, when they don't have a clue, I head for the showers.
The room is empty, which I am grateful for. Stepping in the shower I turn up the water to the maximum pressure and heat that my tried body can stand. The water runs over my body and brings physical relief, if nothing else. I can't believe how much this. sucks, for want of a better word. I only just lost Daniel, and it was only a few weeks ago that I thought I was going to lose Jack. Sure, I cried about that, and Teal'c helped me though that. It was a relief to cry, it let out all the emotions I've had to repress over the last few years. But crying doesn't seem enough now.
A new thought crosses my mind, and forces me to take a sharp breath as I realise I've been holding the same old stale air in my lungs. I'm an orphan now. My mother died years ago, but the pain is still fresh in my heart. But now, dads gone too.
Oh god, how am I gonna tell Mark. I can't tell him the truth, but I'm not sure I can lie to him about this.
I turn the shower off, deciding that I need to go home. I get my stuff, and leave.
XX
TEN DAYS LATER
Mark has been told. I told him Dad had heart attack, and that he died instantly. He wasn't in any pain. I couldn't tell him that our father had been tortured to death by an alien known as a goa'uld.
He was upset, I could tell, but he tried not to let me hear it in his voice.
Ever since it happened, I haven't been able to think straight. Sitting in an armchair, with the telly on, but not watching it, just starring in to thin air.
There's a knock at the door, and I reluctantly go to answer it, checking that the tears that were flowing steadily have stopped, on the way.
"Sir!" I was surprised to see him.
"Carter. ... Gonna let me in?"
"Yeah! Sorry." I finally get out of his way and allow him to enter my house.
We walk though to the kitchen where he puts down the bag of groceries that I've only just noticed him carrying.
"How are you holding up?" He asks nervously. "I'm holding up ok." I force a smile, but he doesn't buy it.
"Ok meaning.?"
I put one hand on my head and brush back my hair. " I'm. to tell you the truth, I'm not holding up at all." I give in to his looks. " The first few days were the worst. I didn't get out of bed, I just lay there, not even sleeping, just thinking. I've been thinking a lot, about something, and about nothing. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I used to know exactly where I was going, and what I wanted, but now."
He reaches out and takes my hand, leading me to sit down. After a moment, when where both sitting at the kitchen table, he notices that he is still holding my hand, and tries to pull it away, but I don't let him. I need the strength it's giving me right now.
"It's only been ten days, Sam." The use of my name startles me.
"Give yourself more time. I know, when you lose someone. its like your whole world has been pulled out from under your feet. You'd do anything to make the pain go away, to somehow fix things. But no matter how hard you try, there's nothing you or anyone else can do to make it better. It just takes time. The pain just gets. less, after a while, 'til you find you can go though the day, and not even feel it. But the scars are always there."
I squeeze his hand tighter. He's right. The scars are always there, and suddenly I can see them on his face. The years he's spent alone, blaming himself for Charlie's death. I know it's against regs to feel the way I feel about him, but I don't give a shit about them right now. I touch his face, laying my free hand on his left check, and running the back of my index finger along it.
"We'll get though this together Sam. You don't have to do it alone."
He puts his hand on top of mine and pulls it to his mouth, where he lays a kiss on it, making me smile, if only briefly, for the first time in what feels like years.
~X~ Part two coming soon!