Part 2: Loosing him in pieces
"I've heard loved ones leave you in peaces. That little by little you start to forget things about them. But that's not true. You lose them. Everything. Instantly. And suddenly nothing can replace them. Nothing." -Farscape.
The memory comes in sharp bright flashes. The pain on his face. The blast from the starf, in slow motion, as time seems to stand still. Forever lost in the moment.
He screams out as the yellow beam finally strikes him and I wake to find myself joined to him though the pain. He's scream still crying out in my head.
"NO!'
My hands shake, my eyes search desperately for light, and the cold salty sweat soaks my skin. But, eventually my rapid heart begins to slow, and reality kicks in. It was a dream. A dream that I'd had every night since I lost him, and every time his face fades more and more.
It's strange. I can remember everything else like it was yesterday, but somehow, little by little, I'm losing him. Forgetting his features and his voice.
I fumble for the light switch and blink painfully when the light I had been seeking earlier finally appears, covering the darkness. My hand comes to rest on the framed photograph of my mum and dad, with Mark and I at their feet. We were on holiday in England when it was taken. Years before death came and stole my mother, and now my father too. We all look so happy.
It's scary. When my mum died, I did everything possible to make sure I would never forget her. Hung on to photographs, kept a bottle of her favourite perfume, just so I would never forget how she smelt. Just silly little things, but they were important to me. When someone you love dies, your terrified you'll forget them, so you reach out and grab anything that you can cling to, just to remember.
But the fact is, you do forget, maybe not all at once, but little things. Things like the sound of their voice, the way they take their coffee. But at the same time, there are some things you'll never forget. That vivid memory which stays with you your whole life.
For me, it was her smile. I'll always remember it. She had a beautiful smile, which never failed to calm me as a child, or quiet one of dad's moods.
Coming out of my thoughts, I find myself in the bathroom, not really sure how I got here, and facing my own lifeless reflection in the mirror.
God, I look rough. Dark circles around my eyes, hair all over the place, and pale. I look so pale. I can't stand it anymore, so I wash the rapidly drying sweat of my face, and dry it on the nearest towel. I head back to my bedroom, flicking the light switch on my way out.
Sitting on my bed and staring into space, my eyes suddenly focus on a teddy bear sitting on my dressing table. I smile to myself and reach over to pick him up. He is dressed in blue and white stripy PJ's with 'zzz' sown on to his shirt.
My dad gave me 'Jake' (guess who chose the name.?) for my seventh birthday. He said that Jake would take care of me whenever he was away, and if ever I needed him, all I had to do was huge Jake really tightly, and he would know, wherever he was in the world. It's the only teddy I've kept from my childhood. The rest went in various garage sales though the years. But I kept Jake 'cause I believed he had the power that my dad said he had. Dad always said that magic exists in our hearts. Something only has power when we believe it does. With out that key ingredient, magic can't exist.
But, I guess its easier to believe when your seven years old.
I look back at my bed, feeling insanely tired, yet something holds me back from climbing back in.
"Sam?" I jump as I mentally kick myself for having forgotten his presence in my house. He had decided that he was at a lose end, and may as well follow Hammond's orders for once, and look after me.
"Jack!"
"What are you doing up? Its 2 AM" he asks drowsily.
"I had a nightmare" I reply, looking away as if ashamed.
"You ok?" he asks, trying to sound concerned, but his brain chooses that exact moment to demand oxygen, and he stifles a yawn. He's clad in a white t-shirt and boxers, I notice for the first time as he walks towards me, lifting his hand in front of his face to shield his eyes from the light.
"Yeah. I'm ok. When you have the same dream for weeks, it becomes harder to be afraid of it." I'm lying though my teeth, and I'm pretty sure he can tell when I lie, so I look down at Jake, still sitting in my hands.
"Whose this?" Now sitting on my bed, he places he's hand on my arm, with his fingers lacing around my wrist.
"This is Jake. Jake, meet Jack." I force a smile as I hand him my bear, and, as if entertaining a child, he plays a long.
"Hello Jake. Nice to meet you."
He puts him on the bed between us, and turning back to face me, he puts his hands on top of mine. We just sit. Sit in silence until finally I break. As the tears fall down my checks, he brings up his hand, and puts it behind my head, lightly encouraging me to lay it on his shoulder. I do so, and put my free hand on the other side of his neck. I fill him lay a light kiss on my head, before resting his chin gently on top of it.
After a while, I don't know how long exactly, we finally move apart, and I look up at him, unable to hide the sadness that falls in the form of tears from my eyes. He wipes them away with his thumb almost automatically.
I close my eyes for a moment, suddenly feeling the over-powering tiredness, but for the first time, I actually want to talk about it. As if reading my mind, he asks me gently.
"Tell me?"
"I feel like I'm stuck in a turmoil of emotions. There are all these things going on around me and inside me, but I cant make anything out. Somehow, they all just melt into one big blur. These big black clouds swirling around me, and I'm lost somewhere in the middle. Alone."
"You're not alone." He reassures me with a tender squeeze of my hand.
"I'll find you, I promise."
He pulls me close again, and I bask in his closeness, before the fatigue finally grabs hold completely, this time refusing to let go.
"In the mean time, you need to get some sleep. It'll help." He says, noticing that I'm all but falling asleep on his shoulder.
Well, I'm not gonna to argue with that. I turn and look at my bed, big and empty. I can't face it alone, and he knows it. I face him with pleading eyes and I'm so thankful when he interprets them correctly.
"Do you want me to stay?"
I don't say anything, just nod, and then standing up, reach for he's hand but realise that I already have hold of it. I lead him to the head of the bed, and he takes control from there. Pulling back the covers for me, I slid in, scooting across to make room for him.
I turn my back on him, so I lay against he's chest, as he cocoons me in his arms, and our fingers knit together. For the first time in ages, I feel safe. Unafraid of sleep, as I know that laying in his arms, the night will pass quickly, and the sun will rise on the start of something new.
'I'll never forget you, dad. You're apart of me. Your in my heart.' I whisper almost silently. I reach down, and grab Jake from the middle of the bed, where jack left him, and squeeze him softly, just as jack holds me.
"Thank you Jack"
"What for?"
"For being here, and for giving me something to hold on too."
He berries he's head in the back of my neck, pulling me closer into his embrace.
"You're welcome."
~x~
Part 3 will be with you soon!
"I've heard loved ones leave you in peaces. That little by little you start to forget things about them. But that's not true. You lose them. Everything. Instantly. And suddenly nothing can replace them. Nothing." -Farscape.
The memory comes in sharp bright flashes. The pain on his face. The blast from the starf, in slow motion, as time seems to stand still. Forever lost in the moment.
He screams out as the yellow beam finally strikes him and I wake to find myself joined to him though the pain. He's scream still crying out in my head.
"NO!'
My hands shake, my eyes search desperately for light, and the cold salty sweat soaks my skin. But, eventually my rapid heart begins to slow, and reality kicks in. It was a dream. A dream that I'd had every night since I lost him, and every time his face fades more and more.
It's strange. I can remember everything else like it was yesterday, but somehow, little by little, I'm losing him. Forgetting his features and his voice.
I fumble for the light switch and blink painfully when the light I had been seeking earlier finally appears, covering the darkness. My hand comes to rest on the framed photograph of my mum and dad, with Mark and I at their feet. We were on holiday in England when it was taken. Years before death came and stole my mother, and now my father too. We all look so happy.
It's scary. When my mum died, I did everything possible to make sure I would never forget her. Hung on to photographs, kept a bottle of her favourite perfume, just so I would never forget how she smelt. Just silly little things, but they were important to me. When someone you love dies, your terrified you'll forget them, so you reach out and grab anything that you can cling to, just to remember.
But the fact is, you do forget, maybe not all at once, but little things. Things like the sound of their voice, the way they take their coffee. But at the same time, there are some things you'll never forget. That vivid memory which stays with you your whole life.
For me, it was her smile. I'll always remember it. She had a beautiful smile, which never failed to calm me as a child, or quiet one of dad's moods.
Coming out of my thoughts, I find myself in the bathroom, not really sure how I got here, and facing my own lifeless reflection in the mirror.
God, I look rough. Dark circles around my eyes, hair all over the place, and pale. I look so pale. I can't stand it anymore, so I wash the rapidly drying sweat of my face, and dry it on the nearest towel. I head back to my bedroom, flicking the light switch on my way out.
Sitting on my bed and staring into space, my eyes suddenly focus on a teddy bear sitting on my dressing table. I smile to myself and reach over to pick him up. He is dressed in blue and white stripy PJ's with 'zzz' sown on to his shirt.
My dad gave me 'Jake' (guess who chose the name.?) for my seventh birthday. He said that Jake would take care of me whenever he was away, and if ever I needed him, all I had to do was huge Jake really tightly, and he would know, wherever he was in the world. It's the only teddy I've kept from my childhood. The rest went in various garage sales though the years. But I kept Jake 'cause I believed he had the power that my dad said he had. Dad always said that magic exists in our hearts. Something only has power when we believe it does. With out that key ingredient, magic can't exist.
But, I guess its easier to believe when your seven years old.
I look back at my bed, feeling insanely tired, yet something holds me back from climbing back in.
"Sam?" I jump as I mentally kick myself for having forgotten his presence in my house. He had decided that he was at a lose end, and may as well follow Hammond's orders for once, and look after me.
"Jack!"
"What are you doing up? Its 2 AM" he asks drowsily.
"I had a nightmare" I reply, looking away as if ashamed.
"You ok?" he asks, trying to sound concerned, but his brain chooses that exact moment to demand oxygen, and he stifles a yawn. He's clad in a white t-shirt and boxers, I notice for the first time as he walks towards me, lifting his hand in front of his face to shield his eyes from the light.
"Yeah. I'm ok. When you have the same dream for weeks, it becomes harder to be afraid of it." I'm lying though my teeth, and I'm pretty sure he can tell when I lie, so I look down at Jake, still sitting in my hands.
"Whose this?" Now sitting on my bed, he places he's hand on my arm, with his fingers lacing around my wrist.
"This is Jake. Jake, meet Jack." I force a smile as I hand him my bear, and, as if entertaining a child, he plays a long.
"Hello Jake. Nice to meet you."
He puts him on the bed between us, and turning back to face me, he puts his hands on top of mine. We just sit. Sit in silence until finally I break. As the tears fall down my checks, he brings up his hand, and puts it behind my head, lightly encouraging me to lay it on his shoulder. I do so, and put my free hand on the other side of his neck. I fill him lay a light kiss on my head, before resting his chin gently on top of it.
After a while, I don't know how long exactly, we finally move apart, and I look up at him, unable to hide the sadness that falls in the form of tears from my eyes. He wipes them away with his thumb almost automatically.
I close my eyes for a moment, suddenly feeling the over-powering tiredness, but for the first time, I actually want to talk about it. As if reading my mind, he asks me gently.
"Tell me?"
"I feel like I'm stuck in a turmoil of emotions. There are all these things going on around me and inside me, but I cant make anything out. Somehow, they all just melt into one big blur. These big black clouds swirling around me, and I'm lost somewhere in the middle. Alone."
"You're not alone." He reassures me with a tender squeeze of my hand.
"I'll find you, I promise."
He pulls me close again, and I bask in his closeness, before the fatigue finally grabs hold completely, this time refusing to let go.
"In the mean time, you need to get some sleep. It'll help." He says, noticing that I'm all but falling asleep on his shoulder.
Well, I'm not gonna to argue with that. I turn and look at my bed, big and empty. I can't face it alone, and he knows it. I face him with pleading eyes and I'm so thankful when he interprets them correctly.
"Do you want me to stay?"
I don't say anything, just nod, and then standing up, reach for he's hand but realise that I already have hold of it. I lead him to the head of the bed, and he takes control from there. Pulling back the covers for me, I slid in, scooting across to make room for him.
I turn my back on him, so I lay against he's chest, as he cocoons me in his arms, and our fingers knit together. For the first time in ages, I feel safe. Unafraid of sleep, as I know that laying in his arms, the night will pass quickly, and the sun will rise on the start of something new.
'I'll never forget you, dad. You're apart of me. Your in my heart.' I whisper almost silently. I reach down, and grab Jake from the middle of the bed, where jack left him, and squeeze him softly, just as jack holds me.
"Thank you Jack"
"What for?"
"For being here, and for giving me something to hold on too."
He berries he's head in the back of my neck, pulling me closer into his embrace.
"You're welcome."
~x~
Part 3 will be with you soon!