PART 3: Moving on.
"Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to carry on in spite of It." -Unknown
(3 weeks later)
The night passed quickly after he joined me. Too quickly. All too soon it was time to leave he's arms, and get on with my life. I find myself, dressing in front of the mirror in my bedroom for my first day back at work, dreading walking though those doors. Not really sure if this is what I want. I want Jack, but I also want the sgc and the stargate. I love my job...but I love him more.
What happened to dad has changed things. It's opened my eyes, and suddenly I see what has been right in front of me all this time. I always knew that I had strong feelings for Jack, but I berried them, so determined to not risk screwing up my career over a man! But I can't do that anymore. It's too hard to fight those feelings, and I'm not even sure I want to anymore.
For the first time since I was with Jonas, I'm thinking about my future. What good is a career in the grand scheme of things? When I have to retire, then what will I have? I don't want to grow old alone. I don't want to end up a lonely old woman, who receives looks of pity from every passer by. I want a husband, and a family.
I want what I can't have. Jack. And not just because I don't want to be a lone, but because I need him. Because I love him.
**
All day, I just go though the motions, not really there because I'm so lost in my own head. I keep trying to shake it off, but I can't help it, something has got to change.
The day comes to an end, and I thank god that nothing more dramatic than a light bulb going in the control room happened, and Siler soon fixed that.
Having changed into my civvies, and put my coat on, I pick up my bag, grateful to be heading for the nearest exit. And I so nearly made it!
"Major Carter, can I see you for a moment? In my office." I hear a filmier voice call down the corridor behind me. I stop dead in my tracks, close my eyes and admit defeat. One last look at the lift, from which I am mere feet away, I turn and follow the General.
He stands in the doorway holding the door open for me as I silently thank him, and move to the middle of the room, adopting the typical (almost) military pose. (Hands behind my back, standing up straight, with my shoulders back) He closes the door behind me, and suddenly I fill trapped, but I do my best to try and hide that feeling.
"Sit down, Major." I do as he says, glad not to have to try and hold that forced position.
"I've noticed you've been a little. distant today, major. And given the circumstances, I can well understand that. However, as you will know, we are a front line defence facility, and because of that, I need to know that my people are 100% committed to what they are doing."
"Yes, sir." I get a feeling in my gut that I know where this is going.
"Major, I know that if anyone is committed to this project, its you. Don't get me wrong, the work you do here is vital. But I cant help but wonder if maybe you came back to work a little too soon?"
Committed? Vital? Oh, boy.
I suddenly find my shoes very interesting, as I realise that part of what Hammond is saying makes sense.
"Major, you know how fond I was of your father."
Oh, please don't go down that road. I can't handle it, not today.
".He was a good man."
"Yes. He was."
It seems to finally get though that I don't need this, and he offers me an end point.
"Well. if you need more time, all you have to do is ask. That's all major, you can go now."
"Yes, sir. And . thank you."
I get up and get as far as the door, before reconsidering. I do need more time. In fact I need a lot more time, and with someone in particular. Only General Hammond can sort this thing out, and if he can't, then I guess I have some thinking to do.
But I can't run away from this opportunity to get things out in the open. Lay all my cards on the table.
"Actually, General, there is something I need to speak to you about. It's kinda personal, but I need some advice and help on this one, and you're the only person I can get that from."
"Ok, Major. I'll do my best. What is it?" I go back and retake my sitting position from before.
"General, sir, what you said about commitment is true. The thing is, well. I've been thinking, and I'm not sure I can stay committed to the SGC, when it is stopping me being happy." I look at him, seeing the comprehension on his face. He is a smart man, and knows exactly what.who I am talking about.
"This has something to do with a certain Colonel, doesn't it?"
"Yes, sir."
"Does he know that your here?" Good point. I haven't talked this over with him. I don't even know if this is what he wants.
"No. I guess maybe he should be here, but he wound only try and talk me out of it." That's true.
"Talk you out of what?"
"Sir. You see, the thing is. I'm in love with him." I can feel the heat rushing to every inch of my skin, and I'm sure he can see it as it turns a fierce red.
"I see."
"God knows I know I'm not supposed to be. And I've tried, I really have, to ignore those feelings, but I guess, losing my dad has shown me what's really important in life, and how little time we have with those who fit that description. I guess what I'm saying is that, unless you can maybe pull a few strings."
".You choose Jack over the stargate." He says, finishing my sentence for me. It's unnerving when I see the resigned look on his face.
"Sir, I know its not fair to ask, but. well, I love this programme so much, I guess I just figure its gotta be worth a shot."
He looks up at me, his hands knitted together on the desk in front of him. I can almost see the wheel turning in his head (so to speak) as he considers what I have said.
Moments pass, but it feels like hours, as the ticking clock on the wall suddenly becomes thunderous.
"I agree major. It is worth a shot. The work you do here is undisputed by anyone. You are the reason that this programme got any further than Abydos. And as for Colonel O'Neill, well he is the best this country has to offer. Why else would we have brought the man out of retirement? All I have to do is try and make the president see it that way. I take it you haven't. consummated your relationship yet?"
"No, sir."
"Good. That plays in our favour. The two of you have been in love for years now, haven't you?" The question is an already answered one. "And it's never effected your work. to a dangerous degree before." He goes on, seemingly thinking aloud. "I have the utmost belief in both you and Jack, and I know that should the president make any.special allowances, you will continue to act professionally and discreetly, at least on base. I mean, you understand, that he cannot change the whole military code, just for the two of you. And if others were to see that you take this for granted, they might not think to highly of you."
"I understand, General."
"Well, in that case, I'll see what I can do. Thank you for going the proper way about this major, and not going behind closed doors. I assure you, its better this way."
"I know. Thank you sir."
He nods his approval, and dismisses me, my head spinning as I realise what just happened. I head for the exit again, and this time, nothing stands in my way.
~X~
Part 4 coming soon.
"Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to carry on in spite of It." -Unknown
(3 weeks later)
The night passed quickly after he joined me. Too quickly. All too soon it was time to leave he's arms, and get on with my life. I find myself, dressing in front of the mirror in my bedroom for my first day back at work, dreading walking though those doors. Not really sure if this is what I want. I want Jack, but I also want the sgc and the stargate. I love my job...but I love him more.
What happened to dad has changed things. It's opened my eyes, and suddenly I see what has been right in front of me all this time. I always knew that I had strong feelings for Jack, but I berried them, so determined to not risk screwing up my career over a man! But I can't do that anymore. It's too hard to fight those feelings, and I'm not even sure I want to anymore.
For the first time since I was with Jonas, I'm thinking about my future. What good is a career in the grand scheme of things? When I have to retire, then what will I have? I don't want to grow old alone. I don't want to end up a lonely old woman, who receives looks of pity from every passer by. I want a husband, and a family.
I want what I can't have. Jack. And not just because I don't want to be a lone, but because I need him. Because I love him.
**
All day, I just go though the motions, not really there because I'm so lost in my own head. I keep trying to shake it off, but I can't help it, something has got to change.
The day comes to an end, and I thank god that nothing more dramatic than a light bulb going in the control room happened, and Siler soon fixed that.
Having changed into my civvies, and put my coat on, I pick up my bag, grateful to be heading for the nearest exit. And I so nearly made it!
"Major Carter, can I see you for a moment? In my office." I hear a filmier voice call down the corridor behind me. I stop dead in my tracks, close my eyes and admit defeat. One last look at the lift, from which I am mere feet away, I turn and follow the General.
He stands in the doorway holding the door open for me as I silently thank him, and move to the middle of the room, adopting the typical (almost) military pose. (Hands behind my back, standing up straight, with my shoulders back) He closes the door behind me, and suddenly I fill trapped, but I do my best to try and hide that feeling.
"Sit down, Major." I do as he says, glad not to have to try and hold that forced position.
"I've noticed you've been a little. distant today, major. And given the circumstances, I can well understand that. However, as you will know, we are a front line defence facility, and because of that, I need to know that my people are 100% committed to what they are doing."
"Yes, sir." I get a feeling in my gut that I know where this is going.
"Major, I know that if anyone is committed to this project, its you. Don't get me wrong, the work you do here is vital. But I cant help but wonder if maybe you came back to work a little too soon?"
Committed? Vital? Oh, boy.
I suddenly find my shoes very interesting, as I realise that part of what Hammond is saying makes sense.
"Major, you know how fond I was of your father."
Oh, please don't go down that road. I can't handle it, not today.
".He was a good man."
"Yes. He was."
It seems to finally get though that I don't need this, and he offers me an end point.
"Well. if you need more time, all you have to do is ask. That's all major, you can go now."
"Yes, sir. And . thank you."
I get up and get as far as the door, before reconsidering. I do need more time. In fact I need a lot more time, and with someone in particular. Only General Hammond can sort this thing out, and if he can't, then I guess I have some thinking to do.
But I can't run away from this opportunity to get things out in the open. Lay all my cards on the table.
"Actually, General, there is something I need to speak to you about. It's kinda personal, but I need some advice and help on this one, and you're the only person I can get that from."
"Ok, Major. I'll do my best. What is it?" I go back and retake my sitting position from before.
"General, sir, what you said about commitment is true. The thing is, well. I've been thinking, and I'm not sure I can stay committed to the SGC, when it is stopping me being happy." I look at him, seeing the comprehension on his face. He is a smart man, and knows exactly what.who I am talking about.
"This has something to do with a certain Colonel, doesn't it?"
"Yes, sir."
"Does he know that your here?" Good point. I haven't talked this over with him. I don't even know if this is what he wants.
"No. I guess maybe he should be here, but he wound only try and talk me out of it." That's true.
"Talk you out of what?"
"Sir. You see, the thing is. I'm in love with him." I can feel the heat rushing to every inch of my skin, and I'm sure he can see it as it turns a fierce red.
"I see."
"God knows I know I'm not supposed to be. And I've tried, I really have, to ignore those feelings, but I guess, losing my dad has shown me what's really important in life, and how little time we have with those who fit that description. I guess what I'm saying is that, unless you can maybe pull a few strings."
".You choose Jack over the stargate." He says, finishing my sentence for me. It's unnerving when I see the resigned look on his face.
"Sir, I know its not fair to ask, but. well, I love this programme so much, I guess I just figure its gotta be worth a shot."
He looks up at me, his hands knitted together on the desk in front of him. I can almost see the wheel turning in his head (so to speak) as he considers what I have said.
Moments pass, but it feels like hours, as the ticking clock on the wall suddenly becomes thunderous.
"I agree major. It is worth a shot. The work you do here is undisputed by anyone. You are the reason that this programme got any further than Abydos. And as for Colonel O'Neill, well he is the best this country has to offer. Why else would we have brought the man out of retirement? All I have to do is try and make the president see it that way. I take it you haven't. consummated your relationship yet?"
"No, sir."
"Good. That plays in our favour. The two of you have been in love for years now, haven't you?" The question is an already answered one. "And it's never effected your work. to a dangerous degree before." He goes on, seemingly thinking aloud. "I have the utmost belief in both you and Jack, and I know that should the president make any.special allowances, you will continue to act professionally and discreetly, at least on base. I mean, you understand, that he cannot change the whole military code, just for the two of you. And if others were to see that you take this for granted, they might not think to highly of you."
"I understand, General."
"Well, in that case, I'll see what I can do. Thank you for going the proper way about this major, and not going behind closed doors. I assure you, its better this way."
"I know. Thank you sir."
He nods his approval, and dismisses me, my head spinning as I realise what just happened. I head for the exit again, and this time, nothing stands in my way.
~X~
Part 4 coming soon.