PART 4: With or Without?
"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these; ' it might have been.'"
Waiting. Waiting is a strange thing. Everybody's waiting for something, and sometimes you don't even know what it is, or if it's just happened, passed you by and you didn't even notice.
It's been two days, 13 hours and 27 minutes since I left Hammonds office, since I left my future in his hands. I could go see him every hour and ask for the latest news, but I wont let myself. I wont set myself up like that, not when I could so easily be crushed by one little word. No.
Two insignificant letters, yet when you put them together they form a word so powerful it can rip the floor out from under you. Engulf your heart, chew it up and spit it out.
Yet another word keeps the balance in my heart and head, and stops me going crazy. Hope.
The computer screen in front of me suddenly fuzzes back into focus, as I let that train of thought go, whilst mentally kicking myself; 'concentrate on the matter in hand, Sam!'
"The decay rate of naquader is equal to."
Major Carter, please report to General Hammonds office.
A voice over the PA system interrupts me.
'This is it.' I think to myself, closing the lid down on my laptop. Suddenly the general's office seems like it's too far away, and I almost run out of my lab.
**
My hands shake as I reach out and lightly knock on his door.
"Come in"
'Breath. Just remember to breath.' I tell myself as I push the door open and enter just inside.
"General, you wanted to see me?"
"Yes, come in major, take a seat."
I do as I'm told, moving to sit opposite him, and try desperately not to fidget.
"I have spoken to the president, concerning the matter we discussed two days ago."
I nod to signal that I know which 'matter' he is talking about.
"He has agreed to grant yourself and Jack a sort of 'rite of passage.'"
"What does that mean?" I ask on a sudden adrenaline high.
"Well, Major, it means that he'll turn a blind eye. So, if you and the Colonel want a relationship, you have his word that there will be no court marshal against you."
Am I hearing this right? I can't quite believe it.
"Are you sure that's what he said, sir. I mean.I wan to be sure."
"Yes, Major, that's what he said. However."
My heart, which is making its way to my mouth, stops dead in its tracks, somewhere in my throat. 'Please don't take this away from me. That would be too cruel.'
"Sir?"
".However, he can only promise that he wont do anything. If a new president is elected in the next vote, he'll have no control over what happens to you. You understand that?"
"Yes.sir, I understand." Suddenly it's like the hope I had was made of glass and someone just smashed it.
"There is away around that though."
Not thinking straight, I hear what he says from a distance, and it takes me a while to comprehend.
Finally I ask, "How?"
"Well, if you where to get married, and then be court marshalled immediately, and pardoned, as you would be because the president has agreed, then this particular regulation would no longer apply. And they could not split the two of you up, because you have entered into a legal contract, and they can't do anything about that."
I can breath again, and my heart slowly slides back down to its rightful place. For the first time I realise that I can finally have exactly what I want. I can have Jack. I can have Jack and still have the stargate. The tears I didn't realise where even there, drop from my eyes, and I smile. Something I hadn't pictured myself doing for a long time.
"Why is he doing this?" I have too know.
"I guess he likes you. I told him how valuable you and Jack are to this project, and that I don't think it can carry on with the two of you. At least, not yet. I haven't found anyone else who has your expertise, and he knows that."
"Thank you, General. You have no idea how much this means too me."
"Your welcome major. Now." he's expression changes to that of a proud father "go get your man, and be happy!"
"Yes, Sir!"
I can't help but smile, as he gives me his blessing. I turn and practically run from his office.
Again!
**
"Jonas, have you seen the Colonel?" I ask, out of breath (only slightly. I am military trained you know) from my run though the halls of the SGC.
"Yeah. His in his office. Oh, Sam."
"Sorry, Jonas, no time. Talk to you later." I shout back over my shoulder, as I head for that destination. Before I know it, I'm at the door.
'Ok, calm down Sam. Breath. You can't go in there all worked up, you'll end up making an idiot of yourself.'
I take a couple of deep breaths, and knock on the door, entering when the command comes.
"Carter! What can I do for ya?"
He looks up from a pile of paper work, seemly not impressed with the interruption, but I know him better than that. He'd take any excuse to get out of writing reports!
'Ok this is it' I think to myself. 'Why didn't I think this though first? Plan a really great way of telling him. Now I'm standing here in front of the rest of my life, and I don't know what to say. '
"Carter?" He prompts me.
"Sir, I. would you like to come for a walk with me? On the surface." I guess I decided this isn't the place to tell him.
"I would love too, but I really should."
"Please" I interrupt.
He looks at me, slightly shocked by my pushing on this, and decides.
"Ah, what the hell. This report is already 3 months late. What difference is another half an hour gonna make?"
He drops he's pen symbolically, and outing the lights and grabbing his green fatigue jacket from the back of his chair on the way out, we make for the surface.
**
I forgot how beautiful our planet is.
It's a summers evening, and the sky is full of orange and gold as the sun gently rests on the horizon, after a hard day of beaming down on the people below. The air is warm but fresh, and there's the smell of cut grass on the breeze. The birds sing happily as they make there way home for the night, along with a noisy cricket.
Just a normal summers evening at twilight, and the world goes on, blissfully unaware of what is going on out there beyond the stars, which are just starting to appear, along with just a sliver of a crescent moon.
I walk next to him as we walk further and further away from the prying eyes of the base. I reach down and take his hand as we carry on walking. He looks at me with that look. The one that says, 'I'm slightly confused by this, but I like it.'
I stop and turn to face him. This is the bit where I tell him. Here goes.
"Jack."
"Jack?" He raises he's eyebrows in a questioning manor.
"Jack" I continue with more determination, " what would you do if I told that we could be together. In a relationship, and neither of us would have to keep secrets or give up the stargate?"
"I would say.'Huh?'"
I smile as he tilts he's head, and for a split second reminds me of the dog I had when I was 12 which also used to look at me like I was crazy.
"Ok. Well, then, 'huh'." He's confused!
"I went to see General Hammond, two days ago. He spoke to the president, and he's agreed to let us be together. I mean, if that's what you want, which it."
He places a silencing finger on my lips.
"It's what I want!"
For a moment we just stand there looking at each other, seeing beyond the merely physical. Then, he moves the finger from my lips, around to the side of my face, and gently pulls me towards him, as we share our first REAL kiss.
It starts slowly, but pretty soon passion takes over, and he deepens the kiss, as my hands encircle his neck and his, mine.
The twilight evening around us fades into dust, as he becomes the only thing I see.
Things are finally working out. I'm finally moving on.
A falling star catches my eye, and I stop kissing and Jack and smile, looking over his shoulder.
"What?" he asks, puzzled.
"A shooting star! You know, when I was little, my mother told me that when people die, they don't really leave. They become a star, sitting in the sky, where they can keep an eye on you. Look after you. When she died, I spent months looking for her star. I never found it. I gave up, and started to believe that it was just something she'd said to make me feel better after grandpa died. But you know what, I think she was right after all. I think her and dad.are watching out for me." My eyes flicker back to his, and I know that this is right.
"Yeah. Yeah, I think your right." He smiles back briefly before lifting my chin with his finger and engulfing me in his kiss again.
'Thanks dad.' I think to myself, feeling content that the star was a sign of his approval.
The night fades around us, and we don't care.
~X~
"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these; ' it might have been.'"
Waiting. Waiting is a strange thing. Everybody's waiting for something, and sometimes you don't even know what it is, or if it's just happened, passed you by and you didn't even notice.
It's been two days, 13 hours and 27 minutes since I left Hammonds office, since I left my future in his hands. I could go see him every hour and ask for the latest news, but I wont let myself. I wont set myself up like that, not when I could so easily be crushed by one little word. No.
Two insignificant letters, yet when you put them together they form a word so powerful it can rip the floor out from under you. Engulf your heart, chew it up and spit it out.
Yet another word keeps the balance in my heart and head, and stops me going crazy. Hope.
The computer screen in front of me suddenly fuzzes back into focus, as I let that train of thought go, whilst mentally kicking myself; 'concentrate on the matter in hand, Sam!'
"The decay rate of naquader is equal to."
Major Carter, please report to General Hammonds office.
A voice over the PA system interrupts me.
'This is it.' I think to myself, closing the lid down on my laptop. Suddenly the general's office seems like it's too far away, and I almost run out of my lab.
**
My hands shake as I reach out and lightly knock on his door.
"Come in"
'Breath. Just remember to breath.' I tell myself as I push the door open and enter just inside.
"General, you wanted to see me?"
"Yes, come in major, take a seat."
I do as I'm told, moving to sit opposite him, and try desperately not to fidget.
"I have spoken to the president, concerning the matter we discussed two days ago."
I nod to signal that I know which 'matter' he is talking about.
"He has agreed to grant yourself and Jack a sort of 'rite of passage.'"
"What does that mean?" I ask on a sudden adrenaline high.
"Well, Major, it means that he'll turn a blind eye. So, if you and the Colonel want a relationship, you have his word that there will be no court marshal against you."
Am I hearing this right? I can't quite believe it.
"Are you sure that's what he said, sir. I mean.I wan to be sure."
"Yes, Major, that's what he said. However."
My heart, which is making its way to my mouth, stops dead in its tracks, somewhere in my throat. 'Please don't take this away from me. That would be too cruel.'
"Sir?"
".However, he can only promise that he wont do anything. If a new president is elected in the next vote, he'll have no control over what happens to you. You understand that?"
"Yes.sir, I understand." Suddenly it's like the hope I had was made of glass and someone just smashed it.
"There is away around that though."
Not thinking straight, I hear what he says from a distance, and it takes me a while to comprehend.
Finally I ask, "How?"
"Well, if you where to get married, and then be court marshalled immediately, and pardoned, as you would be because the president has agreed, then this particular regulation would no longer apply. And they could not split the two of you up, because you have entered into a legal contract, and they can't do anything about that."
I can breath again, and my heart slowly slides back down to its rightful place. For the first time I realise that I can finally have exactly what I want. I can have Jack. I can have Jack and still have the stargate. The tears I didn't realise where even there, drop from my eyes, and I smile. Something I hadn't pictured myself doing for a long time.
"Why is he doing this?" I have too know.
"I guess he likes you. I told him how valuable you and Jack are to this project, and that I don't think it can carry on with the two of you. At least, not yet. I haven't found anyone else who has your expertise, and he knows that."
"Thank you, General. You have no idea how much this means too me."
"Your welcome major. Now." he's expression changes to that of a proud father "go get your man, and be happy!"
"Yes, Sir!"
I can't help but smile, as he gives me his blessing. I turn and practically run from his office.
Again!
**
"Jonas, have you seen the Colonel?" I ask, out of breath (only slightly. I am military trained you know) from my run though the halls of the SGC.
"Yeah. His in his office. Oh, Sam."
"Sorry, Jonas, no time. Talk to you later." I shout back over my shoulder, as I head for that destination. Before I know it, I'm at the door.
'Ok, calm down Sam. Breath. You can't go in there all worked up, you'll end up making an idiot of yourself.'
I take a couple of deep breaths, and knock on the door, entering when the command comes.
"Carter! What can I do for ya?"
He looks up from a pile of paper work, seemly not impressed with the interruption, but I know him better than that. He'd take any excuse to get out of writing reports!
'Ok this is it' I think to myself. 'Why didn't I think this though first? Plan a really great way of telling him. Now I'm standing here in front of the rest of my life, and I don't know what to say. '
"Carter?" He prompts me.
"Sir, I. would you like to come for a walk with me? On the surface." I guess I decided this isn't the place to tell him.
"I would love too, but I really should."
"Please" I interrupt.
He looks at me, slightly shocked by my pushing on this, and decides.
"Ah, what the hell. This report is already 3 months late. What difference is another half an hour gonna make?"
He drops he's pen symbolically, and outing the lights and grabbing his green fatigue jacket from the back of his chair on the way out, we make for the surface.
**
I forgot how beautiful our planet is.
It's a summers evening, and the sky is full of orange and gold as the sun gently rests on the horizon, after a hard day of beaming down on the people below. The air is warm but fresh, and there's the smell of cut grass on the breeze. The birds sing happily as they make there way home for the night, along with a noisy cricket.
Just a normal summers evening at twilight, and the world goes on, blissfully unaware of what is going on out there beyond the stars, which are just starting to appear, along with just a sliver of a crescent moon.
I walk next to him as we walk further and further away from the prying eyes of the base. I reach down and take his hand as we carry on walking. He looks at me with that look. The one that says, 'I'm slightly confused by this, but I like it.'
I stop and turn to face him. This is the bit where I tell him. Here goes.
"Jack."
"Jack?" He raises he's eyebrows in a questioning manor.
"Jack" I continue with more determination, " what would you do if I told that we could be together. In a relationship, and neither of us would have to keep secrets or give up the stargate?"
"I would say.'Huh?'"
I smile as he tilts he's head, and for a split second reminds me of the dog I had when I was 12 which also used to look at me like I was crazy.
"Ok. Well, then, 'huh'." He's confused!
"I went to see General Hammond, two days ago. He spoke to the president, and he's agreed to let us be together. I mean, if that's what you want, which it."
He places a silencing finger on my lips.
"It's what I want!"
For a moment we just stand there looking at each other, seeing beyond the merely physical. Then, he moves the finger from my lips, around to the side of my face, and gently pulls me towards him, as we share our first REAL kiss.
It starts slowly, but pretty soon passion takes over, and he deepens the kiss, as my hands encircle his neck and his, mine.
The twilight evening around us fades into dust, as he becomes the only thing I see.
Things are finally working out. I'm finally moving on.
A falling star catches my eye, and I stop kissing and Jack and smile, looking over his shoulder.
"What?" he asks, puzzled.
"A shooting star! You know, when I was little, my mother told me that when people die, they don't really leave. They become a star, sitting in the sky, where they can keep an eye on you. Look after you. When she died, I spent months looking for her star. I never found it. I gave up, and started to believe that it was just something she'd said to make me feel better after grandpa died. But you know what, I think she was right after all. I think her and dad.are watching out for me." My eyes flicker back to his, and I know that this is right.
"Yeah. Yeah, I think your right." He smiles back briefly before lifting my chin with his finger and engulfing me in his kiss again.
'Thanks dad.' I think to myself, feeling content that the star was a sign of his approval.
The night fades around us, and we don't care.
~X~