PART 10: 3 Times before the cock crows
"I'd gladly swim out to save you, in your sea of broken dreams When all your hopes are sinking Let me show you what love means." -The Judds 'Love can build a bridge'.
"It appears that the poison was not completely gone from your system after the tok'ra healed you. Somehow it's regained a hold over you. I'm so sorry Sam." Janet tells me, barely able to look me in the eye.
Jack had come home moments after I passed out, and found me. He says I was in a coma type thing. He brought me straight here.
My heart is in my mouth before she even finishes the sentence, and when she does I am frozen with fear. I know what this means. I know exactly what this means, and I really wish I didn't! I can't say anything, I can't even move. All of a sudden my head is pounding and I feel dizzy. I take a deep breath and reach out and grab the nearest thing, Jacks hand, to steady myself.
"What does that mean? Janet? Sam? Will someone please fill me in here?"
I didn't think! He doesn't know.
"It means, colonel, that Sam's condition will deteriorate." Hearing the words out loud, and seeing the look on his face is enough to make me shake. I know what's coming next.
"She's going to die." The cold hard truth. No if's, but's, or maybe's, just 'she is going to die.'
Jack's face is pale, and he just looks at me, with this look on his face. I've never seen it before, and I never want to see it again! It's full of pain, like someone had just ripped his heart out and thrown it against the wall.
I cling to his hand, and the rest of my world disappears. My whole body is shaking, and my heart is pounding, and all I can think of is, how in a couple of months, maybe not even that, I'm going to lose him. I'm going to lose him and my son.
**
We're back at home before I fully awaken from my trance. Jack goes about feeding Jake, carrying on with what needs to be done, whilst I just sit, and watch them. He is so good with Jake; I'm gonna miss that. I'm going to miss watching my son grow up to be a man. I'll miss his life.
After he has put Jake to bed, Jack comes to sit on the sofa next to me. For a moment he doesn't even look at me, then unexpectedly, he puts his arm around me and pulls me towards him, so that my head rests on his shoulder. I move my body closer; desperate to bask in the comfort his strong arms have to offer.
Before anything had sunken in, I was just in a state of shock, and I couldn't think. But now, now I can remember what Janet said to me before we started the treatment.
If this doesn't work, you will get very sick, very quickly. You wont be able to do much for yourself.
"Jack?" "Umm?"
"Jack, you know that I love you, don't you?" I ask, already sure of the answer.
"Of course I know it. And you know that I love you."
"Yeah, I do." I sallow the lump in my throat before saying the hardest and most painful thing I've ever had to say in my life.
"Jack.I want you too leave me." He sits up and turns to look me in the eye.
"WHAT?"
"I want you too take Jacob, and leave me."
"Ok, that's not gonna happen!"
"Please Jack." I get up and walk to the other side of the room. I can't be close to him when I say this. I have to be strong. It's for the best.
".I don't want you to see me die! I don't want.I don't want that to be your last memory of me." My voice starts to break, so I take a breath, trying to keep it steady. If I let emotion take over, he'll know that this isn't what I really want. What I want is to not die. But if it's gonna happen, I wont have him nursing me. I love him too much to make him watch me end.
I look up, and see that he is looking at his clasped hands, where my own was once held firmly.
"It's for the best. Janet said that it. its not gonna be pleasant. I don't want you to see th."
"Sam, shut up!" The forcefulness in his voice takes me by surprise.
"I don't want to hear this. I made a promise to you, not just on our wedding day, but after your father died too. I promised you that I would be there for you. Though thick and thin, whatever happens. Forever. And that promise I intend to keep. I don't care if its not pretty, I never expected it to be! Sam, though out this entire thing, I have never once even considered walking away, so don't you dare think that I am just gonna walk out now!"
"But."
"NO! I'm not leaving you. That's not who I am. I love you, and I am gonna be here for you right until the very end. "
That's it! I can't fight the emotion anymore. My knees buckle, and before I know it I'm on the floor. Jack sits down next to me and holds me as my eyes fill with unshed tears.
"Why do you put up with me?" I ask, my voice thick, and tears littering my face.
"Ah! You're not that bad. Just a little headstrong sometimes. But you know what they say; a hard headed woman will always bring out the best in a man!"
I laugh a little before leaning into his embrace. His hand run gently up and down my spine, as we just sit together, and the room gets darker as dusk rolls in.
** Sleep has been a hard thing to come by lately. Well, good sleep, anyway. I did manage to doze for a while, but it didn't last. Which is why I am now walking round the house in one of Jacks shirts at 4:30 in the morning.
I wander down the corridor, and creep silently into Jakes room. I hadn't wanted to wake him, but I find him already awake, lying there peacefully playing with the mobile that Jonas made him.
"Hey sweet pea. What are you doing awake this time of night? Same as mummy, huh?" I whisper as I pick him up and lightly bounce him in my arms. He mummers in an accusing tune
"I know I know. Give me a break, I can't sleep! At least I tried!" I stroke his head delicately and place a butterfly kiss on his lightly fuzzed- covered head.
"I love you so much Jake. Don't ever forget that. You're my beautiful baby, and no matter where I am, I'm always gonna be looking out for you." I say as I feel the beginnings of tears and a lump in my throat, again! I sallow it, deciding that if one day he does remember this night, which he probably won't, but if he does, he won't remember me crying.
"So.don't you go thinking you can pull a fast one on your dad! No staying out past your curfew, and no drugs! Oh, and no girls until dad says its ok, but you'll have to talk to him about that! You must be a good boy for your daddy, coz he's gonna need you just as much as you need him. I love you." I say again.
He starts to cry, so I carry him to the rocking chair in the corner of the room. It was my mothers. When I was little, if I cried she would sit in the chair, rocking me, and she would sing to me. I can't have been more than a year old, but I remember the song. I start to hum it to my baby, as one day I had hoped I would.
"Hush now baby, hum hum hum, papa's gonna buy you a mocking bird." I start.
"And if that mocking bird don't sing, papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring."
I look up, surprised to hear Jacks voice, as his silueted figure at the door moves further in to kneel on the floor by my chair. He kisses our son's head, and then pays me the same favour.
"Promise me that you'll never let him forget me." I whisper.
"I promise." He says, with argument.
Once he settles down again, I put my baby back to bed, and I do the same, go back to bed.
Sleep does come. My husband's arms and light kisses ensure that it's a safe sleep. I know he will look after me, and in my heart I never expected, nor wanted him to leave me, because I need him, and I think he needs me. I think it makes it easier somehow.
I guess I'll never really understand it, but we have an unspoken bond. We don't leave. No matter what.
**
Boy, that was emotional! Part 11 next.
"I'd gladly swim out to save you, in your sea of broken dreams When all your hopes are sinking Let me show you what love means." -The Judds 'Love can build a bridge'.
"It appears that the poison was not completely gone from your system after the tok'ra healed you. Somehow it's regained a hold over you. I'm so sorry Sam." Janet tells me, barely able to look me in the eye.
Jack had come home moments after I passed out, and found me. He says I was in a coma type thing. He brought me straight here.
My heart is in my mouth before she even finishes the sentence, and when she does I am frozen with fear. I know what this means. I know exactly what this means, and I really wish I didn't! I can't say anything, I can't even move. All of a sudden my head is pounding and I feel dizzy. I take a deep breath and reach out and grab the nearest thing, Jacks hand, to steady myself.
"What does that mean? Janet? Sam? Will someone please fill me in here?"
I didn't think! He doesn't know.
"It means, colonel, that Sam's condition will deteriorate." Hearing the words out loud, and seeing the look on his face is enough to make me shake. I know what's coming next.
"She's going to die." The cold hard truth. No if's, but's, or maybe's, just 'she is going to die.'
Jack's face is pale, and he just looks at me, with this look on his face. I've never seen it before, and I never want to see it again! It's full of pain, like someone had just ripped his heart out and thrown it against the wall.
I cling to his hand, and the rest of my world disappears. My whole body is shaking, and my heart is pounding, and all I can think of is, how in a couple of months, maybe not even that, I'm going to lose him. I'm going to lose him and my son.
**
We're back at home before I fully awaken from my trance. Jack goes about feeding Jake, carrying on with what needs to be done, whilst I just sit, and watch them. He is so good with Jake; I'm gonna miss that. I'm going to miss watching my son grow up to be a man. I'll miss his life.
After he has put Jake to bed, Jack comes to sit on the sofa next to me. For a moment he doesn't even look at me, then unexpectedly, he puts his arm around me and pulls me towards him, so that my head rests on his shoulder. I move my body closer; desperate to bask in the comfort his strong arms have to offer.
Before anything had sunken in, I was just in a state of shock, and I couldn't think. But now, now I can remember what Janet said to me before we started the treatment.
If this doesn't work, you will get very sick, very quickly. You wont be able to do much for yourself.
"Jack?" "Umm?"
"Jack, you know that I love you, don't you?" I ask, already sure of the answer.
"Of course I know it. And you know that I love you."
"Yeah, I do." I sallow the lump in my throat before saying the hardest and most painful thing I've ever had to say in my life.
"Jack.I want you too leave me." He sits up and turns to look me in the eye.
"WHAT?"
"I want you too take Jacob, and leave me."
"Ok, that's not gonna happen!"
"Please Jack." I get up and walk to the other side of the room. I can't be close to him when I say this. I have to be strong. It's for the best.
".I don't want you to see me die! I don't want.I don't want that to be your last memory of me." My voice starts to break, so I take a breath, trying to keep it steady. If I let emotion take over, he'll know that this isn't what I really want. What I want is to not die. But if it's gonna happen, I wont have him nursing me. I love him too much to make him watch me end.
I look up, and see that he is looking at his clasped hands, where my own was once held firmly.
"It's for the best. Janet said that it. its not gonna be pleasant. I don't want you to see th."
"Sam, shut up!" The forcefulness in his voice takes me by surprise.
"I don't want to hear this. I made a promise to you, not just on our wedding day, but after your father died too. I promised you that I would be there for you. Though thick and thin, whatever happens. Forever. And that promise I intend to keep. I don't care if its not pretty, I never expected it to be! Sam, though out this entire thing, I have never once even considered walking away, so don't you dare think that I am just gonna walk out now!"
"But."
"NO! I'm not leaving you. That's not who I am. I love you, and I am gonna be here for you right until the very end. "
That's it! I can't fight the emotion anymore. My knees buckle, and before I know it I'm on the floor. Jack sits down next to me and holds me as my eyes fill with unshed tears.
"Why do you put up with me?" I ask, my voice thick, and tears littering my face.
"Ah! You're not that bad. Just a little headstrong sometimes. But you know what they say; a hard headed woman will always bring out the best in a man!"
I laugh a little before leaning into his embrace. His hand run gently up and down my spine, as we just sit together, and the room gets darker as dusk rolls in.
** Sleep has been a hard thing to come by lately. Well, good sleep, anyway. I did manage to doze for a while, but it didn't last. Which is why I am now walking round the house in one of Jacks shirts at 4:30 in the morning.
I wander down the corridor, and creep silently into Jakes room. I hadn't wanted to wake him, but I find him already awake, lying there peacefully playing with the mobile that Jonas made him.
"Hey sweet pea. What are you doing awake this time of night? Same as mummy, huh?" I whisper as I pick him up and lightly bounce him in my arms. He mummers in an accusing tune
"I know I know. Give me a break, I can't sleep! At least I tried!" I stroke his head delicately and place a butterfly kiss on his lightly fuzzed- covered head.
"I love you so much Jake. Don't ever forget that. You're my beautiful baby, and no matter where I am, I'm always gonna be looking out for you." I say as I feel the beginnings of tears and a lump in my throat, again! I sallow it, deciding that if one day he does remember this night, which he probably won't, but if he does, he won't remember me crying.
"So.don't you go thinking you can pull a fast one on your dad! No staying out past your curfew, and no drugs! Oh, and no girls until dad says its ok, but you'll have to talk to him about that! You must be a good boy for your daddy, coz he's gonna need you just as much as you need him. I love you." I say again.
He starts to cry, so I carry him to the rocking chair in the corner of the room. It was my mothers. When I was little, if I cried she would sit in the chair, rocking me, and she would sing to me. I can't have been more than a year old, but I remember the song. I start to hum it to my baby, as one day I had hoped I would.
"Hush now baby, hum hum hum, papa's gonna buy you a mocking bird." I start.
"And if that mocking bird don't sing, papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring."
I look up, surprised to hear Jacks voice, as his silueted figure at the door moves further in to kneel on the floor by my chair. He kisses our son's head, and then pays me the same favour.
"Promise me that you'll never let him forget me." I whisper.
"I promise." He says, with argument.
Once he settles down again, I put my baby back to bed, and I do the same, go back to bed.
Sleep does come. My husband's arms and light kisses ensure that it's a safe sleep. I know he will look after me, and in my heart I never expected, nor wanted him to leave me, because I need him, and I think he needs me. I think it makes it easier somehow.
I guess I'll never really understand it, but we have an unspoken bond. We don't leave. No matter what.
**
Boy, that was emotional! Part 11 next.