Love Me When I'm Gone

By Kaen

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Yes, this is a song-fic to 3 Doors Down's latest song. I was just in such a strange mood, and this song really made me start thinking and relaxing. I hope you enjoy the story…

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I don't really remember much about what happened there, really. I don't remember what he did to me, what I did to him, or even how the fire started. I don't remember upon calling Touda or what I said to him when he appeared. I felt the blood flooding my senses, but I don't know whose is was anymore. I think I was bleeding, so it might have been mine, but I'm pretty sure he was bleeding, too. And I think I was in pain, but it's really hard to say.  I'm glad no one ever asked me how I died because I wouldn't be able to answer. Suicide is as much as I know, finally succeeding after several years of trying to destroy myself.  I have scars on my wrists, more defined and visible on the right one. Was it really eight years that I spent in that Meiji hospital? It's hard to believe. It doesn't sound like my life- really, it's more like reading about someone else's in a newspaper or on a case filing.

I guess there was always something in me that I never understood. Most just called me a demon, and while I tried to shun their cruel accusations, things have a way of sinking in over a while. Not to mention that young minds are so impressionable, especially when they can't be sure of a "right" and a "wrong". I had an older sister when I was young, too. I loved her very much, even while she nagged me to do one thing or another; I honestly never minded because I knew she loved me. Some things were fun to learn, or at least came to be useful at some point in my life or afterlife. Dancing would be a good example; who'd of ever thought I'd need to dance as a god of death? It makes me crack a small smile, even if it's one that no one else would ever witness. I was always quick to smile to make others happy, or reassure them that I was okay, even if I wasn't. 

But he sees through it. He knows that I'm lying to him by forcing this happiness, and frankly, I don't know what to do about it. You'd think that he'd be less proficient at reading people because of his time spent in isolation, but it really seemed to somehow sharpen his skills. It's hard to explain. Whenever a gloomy thought or wave of sadness slips into my mind, he gives me this look like I'm betraying him. I don't know when he assumed the right to censor my thoughts; they're mine after all! However, I just get these ideas and he gives me this look that's enough to make me forget anything but his almost pained gaze. His green eyes are so beautifully expressive when he wants them to be. I think they're his way of speaking directly to my soul and he uses them often, as if words would shatter the moment, no matter how pleasant or grim it may be.

He knows a lot about me. I think Hisoka got a bit of a mental news flash when he rescued me from the flames that I myself had allegedly called. I was not guarding my thoughts at all then because I didn't think I've had to. After all, who'd have thought that Hisoka of all people would come and save me? Isn't he the one to criticize me every few minutes or push me away when I get to close for his comfort? He was the one who completely and continually rejected me from the very first time we met, so why the hell did he come for me?!

There's another world inside of me that you may never see.

There are secrets in this life that I can't hide.

Well, somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find.

Well maybe it's too far away

Or maybe I'm just blind.

Maybe I'm just blind…

Hisoka, I don't understand you or your awkward acts of kindness. You seem to know everything, though, so maybe you know me better than I thought you did. It wouldn't surprise me. This idiot's been missing the important stuff for tens of years now. Isn't it ironic that I killed myself to end to pain and suffering, only to be resurrected with a practically immortal body to serve for eternity doing the very thing that drove me insane? I don't see why that is, but I bet you do. You know everything, so here's one more thing you can boast knowing: It was an accident. Really, it was. But you know what? You may be better than me to begin with, but I don't mind dragging you down. I love you so much that sometimes I want to hurt you, anything that would make you mine and mine alone. I'd do anything to erase the pain of your life, anything so that you'd be able to respond to my affection like a normal person. Heh, normal. Well, maybe that's not quite what I want. Than again, who defines what "normal" is? Everyone has a different perception of it, so who can really accuse another of being wrong?

All I even want from him is to acknowledge me. Sometimes, he won't even do that, though. I think I'm a hindrance to him more often than not, but I don't mind keeping him down with me. If he could stand on his own, I might have to let him go, but I know he can't. As much as he tries to be independent, as much as he desperately tries, I know he can't. I want to protect him and never let him grow stronger, just so that my own existence has a purpose: defending him. I wonder if he knows that? He'd scold me for sure of he knew. Well, maybe not. He might just run from me and almost get himself killed in an effort to disprove what I know to be true. The insults that hurt the most are the ones that are correct, right? Well, it wasn't an insult. I love him for his vulnerability. It's almost a test for to see how long I can be around him and not give into the desire to hurt him in one way or another. It's hard to blame Muraki for wanting to possess Hisoka. In some ways, I think we're very much the same; Muraki is the me that would exist if it weren't for the delicate balance of what little logic I have left and my ties to the real world, which prevent me from giving into my impulses. I know I stabbed Muraki that time because I saw what I was doing in my mind, and, inwardly, I was laughing. It actually felt nice to penetrate that man's pale skin with the blade. He had hurt what now was mine, and I suppose that was my way making sure that he'd never get to him again.

But then the flames soared around us and I sat in total disarray, blind to the happenings around me. Let the sinners burn in hell together, let the demons return to their homes.

"Hisoka, am I human?"

"Yes, Tsuzuki, you are human."

The voice that sounded so assured and the gentle fingers that stroked my hair were so much more comforting than words could describe. He knew me then, didn't he? I was even beginning to take refuge in those soft words and touches. Funny how it only took one more person to make me snap again, like the last snowflake that caused the avalanche. It only took one snowflake to undue years of an act that I had carefully entertained. I only lived because he had literally begged me to not leave him. What would I do if I didn't have to protect Hisoka? My greatest fear may very well be going back to living without a personal purpose. If Hisoka gets tired of playing games with me, would he abandon me as well? Oh gods, I hope not. The thought makes me nauseas. I'd do anything for him, no matter how stupid it may be on my part. I hope he never figures that secret out, though. It's so easy to break when someone you love takes advantage of your weaknesses.

So hold me when I'm here, Right me when I'm wrong,

Hold me when I'm scared, And love me when I'm gone.

Everything I am And everything in me

Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.

I'll never let you down, Even if I could

I'd give up everything If only for your good

So hold me when I'm here, Right me when I'm wrong

Hold me when I'm scared-

You won't always be there,

So love me when I'm gone…

Love me when I'm gone.

There are always things that no one will know, though. Whether the information be trivial or not is impossible to say if only one person can judge it, but so secrets go. Sometimes, I can tell that Hisoka gets a vague wave of emotion from me and he's curious about it, but I just smile like the moron I am and pretend like nothing of the sort ever hit me. He's a good kid in the sense that he knows when to keep those pretty little lips sealed. I'd never tell anyone what goes on inside my head, but whether that's because of shame, how long it would take to explain it all, or the lack of understanding of myself is indistinguishable. I couldn't tell my sister, Tatsumi, or Watari, people that were all important to me. Kachou knows, though. I think I broke one day and just gushed like a crumbling dam, but I don't quite remember that. Hn, I think I see a pattern here. Isn't it pathetic? Well, I think so. And as much as I love Hisoka, I won't let him know what I never told anyone before him. Or at least not intentionally.

Perhaps I have a few wounds I'd prefer to shoulder alone anyhow? Each soul harbors at least some darkness, some just more than others. I guess mine is pretty bleak by now, but it's okay. Some things in this world are worth living for, and even if I'll never change with them, I should feel lucky just to witness their lives. The cheery blossoms of the living world are something to live for, simply for the reason that they will soon wither and die. It may sounds morbid, but all things on the earth have a limited time; it's because of this limit that things are beautiful and worth celebrating. Who knows if anyone understands this? It doesn't really matter to me whether others comprehend this or not; it's just my thinking anyway. Hisoka is really the only exception from this logic, since he may be eternal like me, but he'll always be so lovely.  I want to be happy with him forever, but, sometimes, I wonder if too much of my heart has been devoured by the darkness to ever know a virtuous love? Yes, I think too much of me if missing now…

When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin,

I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends.

Roaming through this darkness, I'm alive but I'm alone,

And part of me is fighting this,

But part of me is gone.

He came to me last night, under the pretense that he'd had a nightmare. His voice was steady, probably from years of practice, but as I allowed him to crawl under the sheets next to me, I could feel the tremors that shook his small body. He made no complaint against it when my arms encircled his slim waist, pulling him closer to me, or when I started tracing imaginary patterns along his slender shoulders. In fact, he even arched his back when I pressed warm kisses to the back and sides of his neck. I wonder what he'll say when he wakes up this morning? He'll probably accuse me and not speak to me ever again, but just one night of sweet passion was enough. It'll hurt to think about how he'll say I betrayed him and used him last night, so I won't think about that right now. If he leaves, I'll just kill myself and finally be able die happy. I'd have nothing to roam this world for if he leaves, so I'll just end it all before the misery sets in.

So hold me when I'm here, Right me when I'm wrong,

Hold me when I'm scared, And love me when I'm gone.

Everything I am And everything in me

Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.

I'll never let you down, Even if I could

I'd give up everything If only for your good

So hold me when I'm here, Right me when I'm wrong

Hold me when I'm scared-

You won't always be there,

So love me when I'm gone…

Maybe I'm just blind?

"Tsuzuki, you idiot. Be quiet…" a muffled voice mumbled. "You're so damn noisy."

"Not my fault you're not a morning person," I jest back with a hidden tender smile.

I figure I might as well make the best of the situation before it all goes to hell, so I scoop up the lithe form and cradle it to my bare chest. The skin to skin contact makes me sigh in contentment, but I'm not so far gone to forget about my partner's comfort. With my free arm, I snatch up the sheet and cover him to the best of my ability. He grumbles something in response, obviously not too happy with the change of positions. I smile, reaching up with a hand to brush the dirty locks of ash-gold hair off his forehead and away from his closed eyes. Something quite unexpected happened within the next instant: instead of Hisoka freaking out like I though he would, he simply snakes naked arms around my neck and allows me to hold him. A few moments of silence pass between us and I think he might have fallen asleep again, but he breaks the silence with a most unexpected question.

"Why won't you let me know?" His voice is soft and inquisitive, but not in the least demanding.

I sigh, tightening my hold around him. "I… love you too much."

"What's that have to do with it?" he replies, almost a little too quickly.

I chuckle to hide my discomfort, forgetting that it would be a total waste of effort around the empath. Racking my mind for an answer, I run through tens of things: I don't want to burden you, I don't want you to worry about me, it's stupid, it's a secret, or… you're my brightly burning flame in the darkness, and I don't want you to burn out like I did? I want to protect you and make you happy, so I can be happy. I want us to depend on each other so much that we can't go on without each other- that's how much I want to love you.

The weight in my lap shifts, and I look down to see his head nod. "Okay, I think I get it."

"Hey! You were reading me, weren't you?!"

 I'm almost tempted to ridicule him, but he's too defenseless right now. I'm afraid that I'd scare him and my concise moment of bliss would end abruptly.  I settle for shooting him a wounded look, which he meets with half-lidded but intense emerald eyes.

"You'll tell me someday, right?" he whispers, straightening up so he's at eye level.

"Maybe," I whisper back, smiling to myself as I press a kiss to his warm forehead. "You've known I loved you for a while, haven't you?"

He lowers himself again, slouching into my waiting arms. He makes no audible response, so I wait patiently for another sign. Still, nothing comes. I begin to get worried. Had I scared him with my confession? I was almost certain he already knew! I bend to the side, getting a better view of his slightly flushed face.

"Hisoka?" I ask in concern, bringing a hand to brush against the side of his face softly.

"Shut up," he snaps, attempting to squirm out of my arms. It was too late, though, I'd already seen it: the tiniest of smiles that he tried to conceal by turning away. The first one I'd ever seen, and, with any luck, not the last.

So hold me when I'm here, Right me when I'm wrong,

Hold me when I'm scared, And love me when I'm gone.

Everything I am And everything in me

Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.

I'll never let you down, Even if I could

I'd give up everything If only for your good

So hold me when I'm here, Right me when I'm wrong

Hold me when I'm scared-

You won't always be there,

So love me when I'm gone…

Love me when I'm gone.

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Wai! That ended a lot better than I thought it would. I hope everyone enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please review if you read, though. It'd really make a bad day better. By the way, I'd really recommend the song this fic was written to absolutely anyone! It's very good, but please support 3 Doors Down by buying their latest CD, "Away from the sun". It's good stuff! So! Thanks so much for reading and please review!

-Kaen *^^*