TITLE: WHEN YOU DIED
AUTHOR: RXP
EMAIL: rxp_on_line@yahoo.com
KEYWORDS: Spike POV, angst
SPOILERS: Everything up to and including "The Gift"
RATING: G.
SUMMARY: A few weeks after the tragic events of "The Gift", Spike has
some incoherent thoughts after Buffys death.
NOTE: This is my first Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan fiction AND my
first attempt on writing angst. Please be gentle.
DISCLAIMER: The copyrights to BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER names,
characters and other related indicia belongs to: Joss Whedon, Mutant
Enemy, WB, UPN and Fox. Use of "Buffy" names and characters is for
non-commercial entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement
is intended. All Rights Reserved.
* * * * * *
I hate to admit it, but Dru was right you know. Even the very first
time I set my eyes on you, I just knew you were going to be special.
My special Slayer. Did you even notice the way I studied you that
night long ago at the Bronze while you danced with your friends? I
bloody devoured you with my eyes, with my mind, memorizing your every
move. That's when my obsession with you started, you know. Never
dreamed that it would lead me to this.... agony. And to think about
all the times I tried to kill you in the past... Sometimes I wish that
I had succeeded back then. Then, I wouldn't feel the pain I feel now.
Every night, every day I think about that dreadful night six weeks
ago. Re-thinking the options we had against Glory. If there was any
decision we could have made different. But the only real options we
had was either to stop the ritual from taking place, or stop the flow
of blood one begun, to kill off Dawn. But you wouldn't hear of it. You
couldn't bring yourself to kill your sister; your own blood.
Dawn talks to me about the last moments you two shared. About how it
all made sense to you. How death was your gift. How your death would
be your sisters salvation, enabling her to live; how it would enable
the rest of the bloody world to continue. And how it would bring you
to your own end. How it would ultimately relieve you of your unwanted
Slayer burden. She told me of the resolve that was on your face, about
what you said to her before you jumped. You came to terms with your
existence, with your destiny, at that moment. But did you even stop
and think that your gift brought another "gift" along with it? That
that other gift was pain and agony? Have you ever thought how much
your death would affect us all? How it would change us? But in the end
that pain brought the rest of us together. I came to an understanding
with the Scoobs and with Giles. They may not be my friends, but they
accept me for what I am and what I have become. Funny, that. So in the
end death was, indeed, your gift.
Do you remember the look of peace I once told you about, you know, the
look a Slayer has when she knows she's about to die. You had it too.
Peaceful. You looked so peaceful. You looked just like if you were
sleeping. You know, that moment when the dreaming ends, right before
awakening? You had it. Oh God, the pain I felt when I realised you
weren't sleeping, and that waking up wasn't going to happen. I don't
believe that I have ever felt that much pain before in my entire
un-life. All I could do was just... sit there, crying my un-beating
heart out. Crying for all the missed opportunities. For the lost time.
For the unspoken words. For the deeds undone. The agony and regret
inside me made me want to have made that jump - again - instead of
you. I would you know. For you. To let you live.
Since that day I have each morning been thinking about taking my life.
To release me from my pain. I think about what might be best. Should I
stake myself or should I expose my sorry ass to the sun? I want to,
but I can't. I gave you a promise, you see. To take care of Dawn for
you, to protect her. How could I do that if I dusted myself? I always
keep my promises.
And Dawn. That poor kid. First she loses her mother and then her
sister. She's all alone now. I try to be strong for her, be brave for
her, like you said. But it is so hard when the sense of direction is
lost. That's what you became for me, after I got this damn chip in my
head. I try to be there for her as much as I can. I even left my crypt
to move into your house with her, along with Tara and Willow. To
protect her. Support her. Can you imagine that? Me, the Big Bad
Monster, being the shoulder a heartbroken teenager cries on to? Quite
the pair. But then there is also Giles and Xander. They really do
their best. They try to put their own pain aside, and be there for
her. But they don't connect with her like they used to. What do they
know of the pain a 14 year old girl feels? Then there is Tara and
Willow. They care about Dawn too. Tara is the strong one. Tara is
really supportive to Dawn, and to Willow too. Willow... Now there's a
story... Didn't quite turn out to be as strong as you thought. She's
falling to pieces. She can't move on. Like me.
THE END
AUTHOR: RXP
EMAIL: rxp_on_line@yahoo.com
KEYWORDS: Spike POV, angst
SPOILERS: Everything up to and including "The Gift"
RATING: G.
SUMMARY: A few weeks after the tragic events of "The Gift", Spike has
some incoherent thoughts after Buffys death.
NOTE: This is my first Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan fiction AND my
first attempt on writing angst. Please be gentle.
DISCLAIMER: The copyrights to BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER names,
characters and other related indicia belongs to: Joss Whedon, Mutant
Enemy, WB, UPN and Fox. Use of "Buffy" names and characters is for
non-commercial entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement
is intended. All Rights Reserved.
* * * * * *
I hate to admit it, but Dru was right you know. Even the very first
time I set my eyes on you, I just knew you were going to be special.
My special Slayer. Did you even notice the way I studied you that
night long ago at the Bronze while you danced with your friends? I
bloody devoured you with my eyes, with my mind, memorizing your every
move. That's when my obsession with you started, you know. Never
dreamed that it would lead me to this.... agony. And to think about
all the times I tried to kill you in the past... Sometimes I wish that
I had succeeded back then. Then, I wouldn't feel the pain I feel now.
Every night, every day I think about that dreadful night six weeks
ago. Re-thinking the options we had against Glory. If there was any
decision we could have made different. But the only real options we
had was either to stop the ritual from taking place, or stop the flow
of blood one begun, to kill off Dawn. But you wouldn't hear of it. You
couldn't bring yourself to kill your sister; your own blood.
Dawn talks to me about the last moments you two shared. About how it
all made sense to you. How death was your gift. How your death would
be your sisters salvation, enabling her to live; how it would enable
the rest of the bloody world to continue. And how it would bring you
to your own end. How it would ultimately relieve you of your unwanted
Slayer burden. She told me of the resolve that was on your face, about
what you said to her before you jumped. You came to terms with your
existence, with your destiny, at that moment. But did you even stop
and think that your gift brought another "gift" along with it? That
that other gift was pain and agony? Have you ever thought how much
your death would affect us all? How it would change us? But in the end
that pain brought the rest of us together. I came to an understanding
with the Scoobs and with Giles. They may not be my friends, but they
accept me for what I am and what I have become. Funny, that. So in the
end death was, indeed, your gift.
Do you remember the look of peace I once told you about, you know, the
look a Slayer has when she knows she's about to die. You had it too.
Peaceful. You looked so peaceful. You looked just like if you were
sleeping. You know, that moment when the dreaming ends, right before
awakening? You had it. Oh God, the pain I felt when I realised you
weren't sleeping, and that waking up wasn't going to happen. I don't
believe that I have ever felt that much pain before in my entire
un-life. All I could do was just... sit there, crying my un-beating
heart out. Crying for all the missed opportunities. For the lost time.
For the unspoken words. For the deeds undone. The agony and regret
inside me made me want to have made that jump - again - instead of
you. I would you know. For you. To let you live.
Since that day I have each morning been thinking about taking my life.
To release me from my pain. I think about what might be best. Should I
stake myself or should I expose my sorry ass to the sun? I want to,
but I can't. I gave you a promise, you see. To take care of Dawn for
you, to protect her. How could I do that if I dusted myself? I always
keep my promises.
And Dawn. That poor kid. First she loses her mother and then her
sister. She's all alone now. I try to be strong for her, be brave for
her, like you said. But it is so hard when the sense of direction is
lost. That's what you became for me, after I got this damn chip in my
head. I try to be there for her as much as I can. I even left my crypt
to move into your house with her, along with Tara and Willow. To
protect her. Support her. Can you imagine that? Me, the Big Bad
Monster, being the shoulder a heartbroken teenager cries on to? Quite
the pair. But then there is also Giles and Xander. They really do
their best. They try to put their own pain aside, and be there for
her. But they don't connect with her like they used to. What do they
know of the pain a 14 year old girl feels? Then there is Tara and
Willow. They care about Dawn too. Tara is the strong one. Tara is
really supportive to Dawn, and to Willow too. Willow... Now there's a
story... Didn't quite turn out to be as strong as you thought. She's
falling to pieces. She can't move on. Like me.
THE END