It took me a few moments to realise that the calm, quiet voice that had
spoken was my own. That voice didn't show any of the fear I was feeling,
and I hadn't intended to speak. It's incredible how free from emotion a
voice can sound, at the most emotional of times, and this was one of them.
My heartbeat had doubled and I was struggling to remember to breathe.
"You know this man?" Brian asked me, but I was too busy, lost in my own thoughts, to notice. I was remembering the letter, with its cryptic message, and I despaired. They weren't just coming for me; they'd already arrived. I should have listened to the stranger who sent that warning, I should have left while I had the chance. Maybe it would have upset Brian, and maybe the school would have struggled for a while, but at least I'd be safe. At least the disks wouldn't be back in their hands.
Makepeace held up the letter I'd been thinking about with the hand not holding the gun. It was almost as if he'd read my mind. "Someone tried to warn you," he said unnecessarily, "why didn't you listen? You could have got away but now you've gone and involved this man." He gestured at Brian. I panicked.
"Leave Brian out of this!" I saw my mistake instantly, I had let him know where my loyalties lay. It was a dangerous mistake in a soldier, to allow the enemies to see just how much you care. But I'd started now and had to continue: if Brian could be saved then at least my mistake wouldn't be so bad. "Brian doesn't know anything and he hasn't done anything to you. Just let him go."
"It's your fault he's involved. If you'd left when you'd got this letter, he wouldn't be any the wiser. But now there's no choice." The fear started to crescendo inside me, as I realised the implications of his words. Brian was caught up in something he had no part in because I'd been too stupid to leave when I had the chance. And now all the things I'd been dreading happening to me if I was caught would happen to him as well. And it was all my fault.
"What's happened to you, Makepeace?" I dare to ask. "You used to be a decent man. I knew when you joined with Maybourne that at least you were doing what you thought was right. The Makepeace I know wouldn't join with those who want to hunt down an innocent child."
"It's not just Susanne we're after, Major. Simmons is after all of you, you know too much and you've got too much information."
"But what about you? You have to know what he's doing is wrong, what he did to Susanne." I was hoping that Susanne would be able to bring some compassion to him, allow him to see his mistakes. No one could find a way to justify what Simmons had done and planned to do to Susanne.
"The experiments he's doing could save millions of lives." But they might try all the same.
"At the cost of the innocents they experiment on! I can't believe even you would sink this low. Let Brian go."
"Do you think he will just ignore everything that happens here? No, he'll try to find out more, he's a security risk. That's why you have to take him with you."
It took a few moments for my brain to catch up with my ears, and when it had I was sure I was mistaken. "What?"
"I sent you the warning so that you'd be able to get out. I thought you had enough common sense to leave once you found out we'd learned where you were hiding."
"You sent the letter?" The pieces started to fit into place now. Makepeace had joined with Maybourne when he thought Earth was at risk because of our methods, but he would never hurt someone like Susanne. If he joined Simmons' organisation then he could be a man on the inside, just as he'd been a man on the inside of the SGC. I suddenly felt a great deal of admiration for him and the risk he was taking.
"I wouldn't have come alone if I was trying to take you. Now take your boyfriend and go. Take the disks with you. When Simmons and the NID get here I'll say I found the place deserted and the disks gone." He gave me the letter he'd written and I went to the place I'd hidden the disks and left. Brian followed behind me, obviously at a loss.
"What's going on, Sarah?" he asked as we got in the car, "Why did he call you major? What's all this about experiments and the NID? Who's Susanne?" He spouted so many questions that I didn't know where to begin, but I had to tell him something if he was to come on the run with me. It was the least I could do for what I had just done to him.
"I was part of an organisation that explored other planets," I cut off his next question before he even asked. "Don't ask how, just trust me that we did. Colonel Simmons and the NID wanted to try out some of the technology we'd found. They" I paused to find the right word and gave up, "created this child, Susanne. They experimented on her, altering her body in so many different ways that she was barely human in the end. Eventually, my CO, General Hammond, was able to stop them experimenting on her. She was still a baby and didn't remember this. We brought her up on the base, and Hammond refused to let Simmons anywhere near her. Simmons had him killed." I was driving all this time, so I didn't have to look at him to see how he was taking this. I could imagine though, complete disbelief. I didn't pause on the subject of Hammond's death, the thought was still painful to me, even after all that time. "Cassidy, who took over from Hammond, kept Susanne safe for a while, but not forever. When Simmons came back and tried to take Susanne to continue his experiments, a friend, Daniel, took her away where they couldn't find her. We don't know where to, he didn't even tell us."
"But how does this involve you?"
"Susanne was healthy, even with the changes, so Simmons wanted to carry on his experiments on other people. We volunteered. We thought that as long as he was using us, Susanne and Daniel would be save. We were wrong. After a while we realised this, and left. We took some disks of Simmons' experiments on Susanne, hoping that the papers would listen and bring his organisation into the open. He didn't, and we couldn't go back to the SGC because Simmons knew what we'd done. We split the disks up between us, for insurance, and went into hiding separately. We thought it would be safer than if we weren't together. I had thought we were safe for a while." That was why I hadn't paid much attention to the letter, I'd been safe for so long that I didn't consider the possibility it was genuine.
"Who's we?"
"Colonel O'Neill, Janet, Teal'c and myself. Good friends, and people who cared about Susanne."
"You realise what you're talking about is impossible." I knew it was hard to believe, but I would have thought Brian would at least listen. I told him more about what happened, but he refused to even accept the possibility.
"I'm not going with you! You're crazy! This whole thing's crazy! Everything you've said to me has been a lie." That last part stung, and I knew it was true. I'd never been able to be honest with Brian, because I was afraid. I'd never told him about my past, and now he hated me for it. I pulled over.
"I doubt Makepeace will tell anyone about you, Simmons won't be interested. Go and forget this ever happened." He got out and I drove away. I glanced back, once, and he had turned his back on the car. Every time I think about Brian, I see his back turned to me as I drive away, and I feel betrayed. I'm not sure who it was that did the betraying, I hid myself from him, but I can't help feel he could at least have watched me leave. My normal life, my friends, Brian: they were all gone now. My world had been ruined in one short evening.
It was going dark, and it started to rain. I drove on, not knowing where I was going; thinking of Brian's back turned to me. And I cried. Tears flowed down my cheeks as the rain flowed down my windscreen. I didn't even bother to wipe them away, there was nothing to see. I was on the run again, and I was leaving behind everything I knew, owned and cared about. All I had left was myself and that was fading away. I couldn't be Major Carter; I couldn't be Sarah McClarin. My identity and my life had been stolen away from me once more, and again I was left alone and nameless.
"You know this man?" Brian asked me, but I was too busy, lost in my own thoughts, to notice. I was remembering the letter, with its cryptic message, and I despaired. They weren't just coming for me; they'd already arrived. I should have listened to the stranger who sent that warning, I should have left while I had the chance. Maybe it would have upset Brian, and maybe the school would have struggled for a while, but at least I'd be safe. At least the disks wouldn't be back in their hands.
Makepeace held up the letter I'd been thinking about with the hand not holding the gun. It was almost as if he'd read my mind. "Someone tried to warn you," he said unnecessarily, "why didn't you listen? You could have got away but now you've gone and involved this man." He gestured at Brian. I panicked.
"Leave Brian out of this!" I saw my mistake instantly, I had let him know where my loyalties lay. It was a dangerous mistake in a soldier, to allow the enemies to see just how much you care. But I'd started now and had to continue: if Brian could be saved then at least my mistake wouldn't be so bad. "Brian doesn't know anything and he hasn't done anything to you. Just let him go."
"It's your fault he's involved. If you'd left when you'd got this letter, he wouldn't be any the wiser. But now there's no choice." The fear started to crescendo inside me, as I realised the implications of his words. Brian was caught up in something he had no part in because I'd been too stupid to leave when I had the chance. And now all the things I'd been dreading happening to me if I was caught would happen to him as well. And it was all my fault.
"What's happened to you, Makepeace?" I dare to ask. "You used to be a decent man. I knew when you joined with Maybourne that at least you were doing what you thought was right. The Makepeace I know wouldn't join with those who want to hunt down an innocent child."
"It's not just Susanne we're after, Major. Simmons is after all of you, you know too much and you've got too much information."
"But what about you? You have to know what he's doing is wrong, what he did to Susanne." I was hoping that Susanne would be able to bring some compassion to him, allow him to see his mistakes. No one could find a way to justify what Simmons had done and planned to do to Susanne.
"The experiments he's doing could save millions of lives." But they might try all the same.
"At the cost of the innocents they experiment on! I can't believe even you would sink this low. Let Brian go."
"Do you think he will just ignore everything that happens here? No, he'll try to find out more, he's a security risk. That's why you have to take him with you."
It took a few moments for my brain to catch up with my ears, and when it had I was sure I was mistaken. "What?"
"I sent you the warning so that you'd be able to get out. I thought you had enough common sense to leave once you found out we'd learned where you were hiding."
"You sent the letter?" The pieces started to fit into place now. Makepeace had joined with Maybourne when he thought Earth was at risk because of our methods, but he would never hurt someone like Susanne. If he joined Simmons' organisation then he could be a man on the inside, just as he'd been a man on the inside of the SGC. I suddenly felt a great deal of admiration for him and the risk he was taking.
"I wouldn't have come alone if I was trying to take you. Now take your boyfriend and go. Take the disks with you. When Simmons and the NID get here I'll say I found the place deserted and the disks gone." He gave me the letter he'd written and I went to the place I'd hidden the disks and left. Brian followed behind me, obviously at a loss.
"What's going on, Sarah?" he asked as we got in the car, "Why did he call you major? What's all this about experiments and the NID? Who's Susanne?" He spouted so many questions that I didn't know where to begin, but I had to tell him something if he was to come on the run with me. It was the least I could do for what I had just done to him.
"I was part of an organisation that explored other planets," I cut off his next question before he even asked. "Don't ask how, just trust me that we did. Colonel Simmons and the NID wanted to try out some of the technology we'd found. They" I paused to find the right word and gave up, "created this child, Susanne. They experimented on her, altering her body in so many different ways that she was barely human in the end. Eventually, my CO, General Hammond, was able to stop them experimenting on her. She was still a baby and didn't remember this. We brought her up on the base, and Hammond refused to let Simmons anywhere near her. Simmons had him killed." I was driving all this time, so I didn't have to look at him to see how he was taking this. I could imagine though, complete disbelief. I didn't pause on the subject of Hammond's death, the thought was still painful to me, even after all that time. "Cassidy, who took over from Hammond, kept Susanne safe for a while, but not forever. When Simmons came back and tried to take Susanne to continue his experiments, a friend, Daniel, took her away where they couldn't find her. We don't know where to, he didn't even tell us."
"But how does this involve you?"
"Susanne was healthy, even with the changes, so Simmons wanted to carry on his experiments on other people. We volunteered. We thought that as long as he was using us, Susanne and Daniel would be save. We were wrong. After a while we realised this, and left. We took some disks of Simmons' experiments on Susanne, hoping that the papers would listen and bring his organisation into the open. He didn't, and we couldn't go back to the SGC because Simmons knew what we'd done. We split the disks up between us, for insurance, and went into hiding separately. We thought it would be safer than if we weren't together. I had thought we were safe for a while." That was why I hadn't paid much attention to the letter, I'd been safe for so long that I didn't consider the possibility it was genuine.
"Who's we?"
"Colonel O'Neill, Janet, Teal'c and myself. Good friends, and people who cared about Susanne."
"You realise what you're talking about is impossible." I knew it was hard to believe, but I would have thought Brian would at least listen. I told him more about what happened, but he refused to even accept the possibility.
"I'm not going with you! You're crazy! This whole thing's crazy! Everything you've said to me has been a lie." That last part stung, and I knew it was true. I'd never been able to be honest with Brian, because I was afraid. I'd never told him about my past, and now he hated me for it. I pulled over.
"I doubt Makepeace will tell anyone about you, Simmons won't be interested. Go and forget this ever happened." He got out and I drove away. I glanced back, once, and he had turned his back on the car. Every time I think about Brian, I see his back turned to me as I drive away, and I feel betrayed. I'm not sure who it was that did the betraying, I hid myself from him, but I can't help feel he could at least have watched me leave. My normal life, my friends, Brian: they were all gone now. My world had been ruined in one short evening.
It was going dark, and it started to rain. I drove on, not knowing where I was going; thinking of Brian's back turned to me. And I cried. Tears flowed down my cheeks as the rain flowed down my windscreen. I didn't even bother to wipe them away, there was nothing to see. I was on the run again, and I was leaving behind everything I knew, owned and cared about. All I had left was myself and that was fading away. I couldn't be Major Carter; I couldn't be Sarah McClarin. My identity and my life had been stolen away from me once more, and again I was left alone and nameless.