Josh splashed some water on his face and set about getting his apartment ready for his evening visitor. He started making some coffee and began a half-hearted attempt at tidying. He had spent even less time at home than usual lately and it showed. He removed the stack of unread mail and discarded clothes from the sofa and made sure Toby at least had somewhere to sit when he arrived. The sound of the door buzzer startled Josh and he threw the pile of newspapers he was carrying into the closet on his way to answer it.
Toby nodded as he walked past him. "I've been at the hospital. Sam woke up just before I left."
"You've been there since you left work?" Josh called, walking into the kitchen.
"Yeah, I can get work done there."
Toby's statement was followed by silence. He sat on a chair facing the sofa as Josh came in with the coffee.
"This okay or did you want something stronger?"
"Coffee's fine. I just needed to ask you if…well tell you that…" Josh concentrated on sipping his coffee. Toby's hesitance made both men uncomfortable.
"I think you're right about Sam. He told the police that he remembered hearing a noise and you arriving but nothing about the time in between. I think he remembers more than he's letting on." Josh waited he knew there was more.
"I may have been a little…unreceptive to your concerns about Sam. I found it…difficult listening to you verbalising how you felt about what happened to you last Christmas."
"You felt guilty about me getting shot?" Josh didn't mean to let it but his voice displayed his bewilderment at Toby's comment.
"No of course not, no, I felt guilty for not noticing what was happening to you afterwards."
Josh put his cup down and stood up. "Wow that's…I mean…wow."
Toby sighed, "And now you're going to belittle my attempts at talking about my…" Toby was waving his hand in the air hoping Josh would catch the word and say it for him.
"Emotions, Toby, talking about your emotions."
"Yes emotions, this is something I find…" he cleared his throat and his voice rose, "difficult but I wanted you to know that I know how you feel and I think you're right." Toby sat back and let his shoulders relax as he let go of the tension that had been building since he had phoned Josh.
Josh waited until the older man looked up at him before replying. "I'm sensing you'd like this conversation to finish as soon as possible so I'll be brief."
"Good."
"I don't like to talk about -"
This time Toby filled in the blank mimicking the tone Josh had used.
"Breakdown, Josh, talking about your breakdown."
"The reason I don't talk about it is that I know that everyone felt like that and that made me feel guilty. It happened because I made damn sure no one would notice. If I'd let you notice it wouldn't have happened because you'd have noticed."
"Very eloquently put."
"Praise indeed from a man who can't say the word 'emotion'. You don't feel guilty anymore?"
"No."
"But you think I should about Sam?"
"I think we should just try to forget what we were doing while Sam was bleeding to…lying there wondering where his friends were." Josh hid his surprise at Toby's use of the word 'we'. "We weren't there and that wasn't because we didn't care. I've been going over that morning ever since I phoned you and you just end up with a big pile of 'ifs'. If we'd paged Sam instead of phoning first we would have known straight away something was wrong. If you hadn't have been so worried about finding that stupid stapler or I hadn't been so obsessed about my desk we would have stopped to realise that it wasn't like Sam not to answer his cell phone."
"I hear what you're saying and I totally agree with the logic of it but I don't think how I feel about this is going to change overnight. But you haven't come here to talk about my guilt have you."
"No, as much as the topic fascinates me, no I haven't."
Josh picked up the cups and smiled at Toby. "I'll get some more coffee."
The two men sat and talked until late into the night. Often they covered their feelings with banter but both men knew the true meaning of the words they spoke to each other. By the time the dregs of the fourth cups were being poured down the sink they had managed to purge many of their own demons and come up with a plan to help Sam purge his own.
Five days had passed since Sam's second operation. The doctors were pleased with the way the wound was healing and told him that he would probably be able to go home in a few days. His parents had visited every day. His mother came in the morning and his father in the evening. Last night his father had told Sam that he would be going home tomorrow. His mother had told him she would also be going home soon. If Sam had managed to convince anyone he was on the mend it was his parents. On the afternoon of the fifth day Josh and Donna walked into Sam's room to find him on the phone. Sam gestured for them to come in and sit down.
"Very well, sir," he spoke into the phone.
Josh mouthed 'President' and Sam nodded.
"I did and that quote was it-" Sam smiled and shook his head, "Endymion, of course."
Josh and Donna waited while Sam finished his call and then Donna took the receiver from him and sat down on his bed. Josh listened as she told Sam the latest office gossip which Sam pretended to be interested in. Josh tucked his hands behind his head and closed his eyes. Things were going well, he thought. Since the operation Sam had seemed a lot happier. He was going home in a couple of days and the first part of the plan was going well. Although this wasn't surprising as the first part of the plan was to not do anything until Sam was home. Josh wasn't paying much attention to what Donna was talking about until he heard Sam ask, "What stapler?"
"Oh no, Sam, you can't deny responsibility just because you're in hospital. Josh was going to blame me you know."
Donna continued to tease Sam about pretending to forget his part in the theft of Toby's stapler and then proceeded to tell him the whole story to refresh his memory. Sam tried to concentrate on her story but he had begun to feel anxious since she had first mentioned the stapler. He couldn't understand why and as he tried to make sense of it Donna's voice was drowned out by Ginger's.
"Sam, it's Ginger. You better get in here Toby is not happy." Sam tried to sit up a little and collect his thoughts he could feel his heart thumping against his chest.
"…so get a move on! Oh…and I think he knows about the stapler." Sam's breathing was becoming faster. He suddenly felt afraid but didn't know what of.
"Sam…buddy…I think you'd better head in." Now Josh's voice was filling his thoughts.
Josh could hear Sam's breathing and opened his eyes. Donna was chatting away oblivious to Sam who was now ashen faced.
"Come and hide in my office when you get in. And another thing, I think he knows about the stapler."
"Josh," Sam muttered. Josh stood up and went closer to Sam.
Donna, who had gone almost as pale as Sam, stopped talking.
"It's alright, Sam." Unfortunately Josh's words just sent Sam deeper into his memories, "It's alright, Sam, I'm here…I'm here, Sam."
Sam couldn't shake the fear that now clutched him. Josh told Donna to get a nurse but she stayed frozen staring at Sam.
"Donna!" Josh shouted and she raced out of the room. Josh held Sam's head in his hands and tried to break through to him. He told him where he was and that he had to calm down. He forced Sam to look at him and continued to talk to him until slowly Sam came back to the present and the fear and panic began to leave him.
Josh didn't need to ask what had happened he'd had enough experiences of flashbacks to recognise when someone else was having one. He knew too the cause of it; Donna talking about the stapler had brought back the answer phone messages that Sam would have heard playing. Before he could say anything the nurse came hurrying into the room.
"I think you'd better leave," she said.
"I need to talk to him."
"I think there's been enough talking." She started to help Sam lie down and placed her fingers on his neck to take his pulse. "He needs to rest." She looked up at Josh who stood with his arms folded and was clearly determined to go nowhere.
"Look, he's upset. It's best you go now and come back later."
"I need to stay, I haven't upset him." Josh's voice was getting louder.
"Well by the looks of things you haven't been reading him bedside stories either."
The nurse's sarcasm only served to infuriate Josh further and he was about to answer when Sam spoke. "God, Josh, just leave me alone."
At his words Josh could only stare at Sam who closed his eyes in response. He felt Donna tug on his elbow.
"Josh…please!" Donna's face was pleading with him to follow her out of the room. Josh picked up his coat and let Donna pull him away from the bed. She held on until they were outside of the hospital and back at the car. They drove all the way to the White House in silence.
Sam finished what he could manage of the meal and pushed the bedside table away. He had tried not to think about what had happened with Donna and Josh but ever since then he had found more and more memories had returned until now he could remember nearly the whole sequence of events. The only thing he could not recall was the actual stabbing. He had been told by the counsellor who had visited him twice that he may never remember it or he may find that eventually that too would come back to him. Sam sighed and breathed in deeply as he ran his fingers through his hair. He was dreading going back to his apartment. He knew Josh and Donna had meticulously removed any trace of the attack but the thought of being there again made his stomach turn. The doctor visited less often now but Sam had made good use of his last visit. He had questioned him about how long he thought he had been bleeding before the paramedics came and how long it would have been before he died. The doctor was noncommittal in his responses. The loss of blood, stage of shock that he had been in and the damage caused to both lungs had led him to believe that Sam could have been injured for anything up to two hours. But he did not know for sure and there was something about the desperate way that Sam was asking that made him even more guarded about the responses he gave.
Donna and Josh had hardly spoken to each other since the incident in Sam's room. Donna felt awful that she hadn't realised how Sam was reacting to her words and Josh was glad to be able to place his feelings of guilt on someone else for a while, even if it was unjustified. Josh picked up the phone and dialled a number just as the ringing tone began he placed the receiver down. He had tried to phone Sam three times already this morning and each time he had ended the call before it had begun. Although he had visited yesterday they had not spoken to each other about what had happened. When Josh tried to ask Sam about it he just replied that he had felt ill and just panicked. This was nonsense and both men knew it but Josh also knew that forcing Sam to talk would just make him shut him out even more.
The night before Sam was due to go home Leo decided to attempt another visit. "You're not going to puke this time are you?" he asked as he poked his head around the door.
"No," Sam smiled.
Leo walked over to the side of his bed and put a couple of books on the table. "I know you're gonna be bored. I thought these might kill a few moments."
"Thank you." Sam turned the books so he could read the spines and raised his eyebrows.
Leo saw the look and explained, "I read about them in the Times review."
Sam smiled and nodded and waited for Leo to explain the real reason for his visit.
"Listen, Sam, it's great you're going home and we're all looking forward to you being back at work-"
"But…"
"There's no but here Sam…but..." both men smiled.
"I was talking to the President and he wants you to know that you're not to come back until you're ready."
"I'm ready now, Leo, I feel a lot-"
"No hear me out. By that he means you make sure you're ready physically but also mentally." Sam lay back against the pillows: he knew where this conversation was heading.
"We know you're doing really well and that's great but no one knows, least of all you, how you're doing in here," Leo pointed to his head.
"Leo, look, I've spoken to people here. I don't remember much anyway. If the President wants me to see someone I will, of course, but believe me there's no point." Sam wasn't lying, it would be a waste of time. He had spent two excruciatingly embarrassing hours sitting in silence with the hospital's counsellor. She had used all of her skills to try to get Sam to open up but to no avail.
"I'm sorry I've wasted your time," Sam had apologised as she was about to leave, "If you'd asked me about my father we probably could have had quite a chat."
The woman had smiled at Sam and replied, "If you don't want to talk I can't make you. But remember what I said, it's likely you will want to sooner or later. Just make sure you know who you're going to go to when that happens."
Leo stood up and put his hand on Sam's shoulder. "Well just try not to drift off into space like that next time you talk to the President!"
"Did I? I'm sorry. I keep doing that." Sam gave Leo a sheepish smile.
"Home tomorrow then?"
"Yeah, Josh is picking me up."
"That's good, Sam. You'll really feel like you've turned a corner when you get back in your own place."
"Yeah," he quickly changed the subject, "so Margaret thinks someone's stealing flowers here?"
"Can you believe it? The total tonnage of useless information I have to listen to." Leo sat back down. Sam knew that this rant would continue for quite a while and certainly long enough for him to recover from the churning stomach the thought of going home had produced.
Josh went into work extra early the next morning. Sam was being discharged at two o'clock and Josh had cancelled what couldn't be rescheduled so that he could spend most of the afternoon at Sam's apartment. Josh called for Donna. He had forgiven her for upsetting Sam and she had forgiven him for blaming her for it. "Donna!" Josh called again.
"You should get going."
"I'm going. How long have I got?"
"You'll need to be back here for five."
"Okay." Josh grabbed his coat.
"Have you got the keys?"
"I've got them."
"Both of them?"
"Yeah."
Josh patted his pockets feeling for his car keys and headed out the door. Donna stood with her hand held out for a few seconds before Josh dived back in and grabbed the keys to Sam's apartment from her.
It had taken quite a while for Josh and Sam to get out of the hospital. Many of the nurses stopped to say goodbye and Sam seemed in no great hurry to leave so Josh didn't rush him. When he was in the car Josh handed him the keys to his apartment. He soon wished he hadn't for Sam spent the entire journey juggling them from one hand to the other.
"You don't need to come up," Sam said as Josh held the car door for him.
"Sam!" Josh couldn't believe that Sam would expect Josh to just drop him off at the door.
"I'm sorry Josh…of course come up. I don't know why I said that."
"Well you wouldn't have stopped me anyway so…"
They took the lift to Sam's floor and Josh walked behind him as they approached the front door. Suddenly Sam stopped walking and stood still. Josh said and did nothing, he just waited, after a while Sam continued walking. Josh stood with his back to the wall as Sam fumbled with his keys. He tried not to look at him but when Sam dropped them Josh bent down and handed them to him. As he put the keys in Sam's hand he noticed it was shaking. Sam tried again to put the keys in the lock but this time he stopped and still facing the door muttered, "I can't…I'm sorry…I can't go in." Before Josh could respond Sam was on his way to the elevator headed back to the car.
Josh put one hand over his ear to block the noise of the traffic while he waited for Toby to answer the phone, "Well the first part of the plan isn't going well," Josh began.
"Oh God, what's going on?"
"At the moment Sam's puking all over the sidewalk. Did we plan for that?"
"You've got to make him go in."
"I'll tell you what, you come and make him go in."
There was a pause while Toby waited for Josh to calm down. "If he doesn't go in there today he never will."
"Yeah," Josh looked at Sam who was now sitting sideways out of the car wiping his mouth on the back of his sleeve. "We didn't plan for this," Josh said quietly.
"No," Toby agreed. "Make him go in, Josh."
Josh snapped the phone shut and walked over to Sam, "Okay here's what we're going to do. I'm going to go up, let myself in and make some coffee, then you're coming up after me."
"I really don't think-"
"If you don't do it now you never…look what would you do if you fell off your boat?"
"I appreciate the sea-faring analogy you're about to make but if I fell off my boat and didn't get back on there's a good chance I would drown. If I don't go into my apartment the worst thing that could happen is I'd have to stay with you for a couple of days."
Josh waited. The two men stared at each other until Sam looked away run his hand through his hair and said, "Okay, let's try again."
Josh smiled and let out the breath he had been holding, "Right…good…I'm going up then just…you know…take your time." Before Sam could change his mind Josh turned and walked away.
Sam could smell the coffee before he entered his home. He put his hand on the door frame and as good as pulled himself through the door. Josh kept himself busy in the kitchen. The first thing Sam noticed was the identical rug that Josh had replaced. He also noticed the answer machine flashing and suddenly found he was unable to move or take his eyes off the bright red light. He was still standing there when Josh came out with the coffee.
Josh put the cups down and walked over to the machine and pulled out the plug, "Let's drink this in the kitchen," he said as he gently took Sam's elbow and led him out of the room.