Toby cursed as the plate rolled along the kitchen floor and crashed into the fridge. He had managed not to make any noise up until now and he had been planning to let Sam sleep until just before he left. He crept towards his room, peeked in and was relieved to see he hadn't woken. He had called Sam's doctor when he got up and arranged for him to call in the afternoon so he had decided he would shower and eat breakfast and then wake Sam before he left.
By the time Toby was ready to leave, Sam had woken up and was trying to summon the energy to actually get out of bed. Although his headache was now only a dull throb his stomach was still unsettled and any movement he made caused both to protest and forced him to accept that lying down was the best option for now. He pulled the sheets back over him and listened to the noises coming from the kitchen. It never occurred to him that the person making the noise was anyone else than Josh, so he was surprised when Toby walked in with a tray.
"How are you feeling?" he asked as he placed it on the bed.
Sam cleared his throat before replying that he felt better than he had last night.
Toby studied him while he handed him a drink. "Well you certainly look better. I'm going to have to go but I want to see you eat something first."
Sam reached for a piece of toast and took a bite.
"Your doctor's coming this afternoon. You might want to prepare for a lecture on the stupidity of not reading the instructions on medications."
"I'm sorry, I can't eat this." Sam placed the toast back on the plate. "Did Josh go?"
The question threw Toby off guard. He wasn't sure what Sam remembered from last night but he realised that this could be his only chance to find out.
"Yeah, he left last night. I drove him home." Sam digested this information and then looked surprised.
"You drove him. Didn't he have his car?"
"I thought it was best, after what happened, he was in a bit of a state." Toby watched Sam's face, waiting for a sign that he remembered what he had said to upset Josh.
"I'm sorry to cause all this trouble. It must have been tough for Josh…for all of you…I'm sorry."
"Sam do you remember what happened last night?" Sam raised himself further up the bed and the sheer physical effort it seemed to take astonished Toby.
"Sure, I mixed alcohol and Metronidazole which evidently is not a good thing to do." Sam shrugged, "I'm fine now, it's just like a bad hangover I guess."
As he talked Sam reached over for the toast hoping if he finished it Toby would go.
This wasn't fair Toby decided. Every time he came up with a strategy Sam didn't play the role he had planned out for him. Right now Sam was supposed to be telling him exactly what he had said to Josh and why he had said it. He was supposed to admit that he remembered the stabbing. He was supposed to ask him for help and let it be arranged for him to talk to a professional and then finally he was supposed to be Sam again, the old Sam, the one that Toby didn't have to worry about all the time.
"I didn't mean that. Do you remember what happened outside in the corridor?"
"Of course I remember!" Toby wanted to ask Sam if he remembered what he had said to Josh but the anger in Sam's reply changed his mind.
"Of course you do, I'm sorry…and this isn't the time, we can talk later."
Toby collected his things and told Sam to stay in bed when he started to get up to see him out. He made sure he had everything he needed and reminded him again about the doctor's visit.
"Just sleep Sam and eat something. You shunned my toast and I can live with that, I've coped with bigger rejections. But eat something before the doctor comes."
For the first time since he had woken Sam smiled. "Can I just say, although I appreciate your superior toasting skills, the thought of it was making me want to vomit so…"
Toby returned the smile though both were short lived and belied their true thoughts.
On the street below Josh was getting out of a cab and walking towards his car which still stood outside Sam's apartment. All the way over he had planned what he was going to say to Sam but now that he was here he knew there was no way he could face him today. He decided to pick up his car and go straight to the White House. That would turn out to be his second biggest regret of the last few weeks.
Sam lay in bed for another few hours. The nausea finally left and the headache turned into a dull pain. After showering he forced himself to eat some breakfast and sat at the kitchen table while he finished his drink. He tried to think over what had happened yesterday. He could remember Josh coming and sitting by him in the bathroom but the next thing he could remember was CJ sitting on his bed. He had some hazy images of lying on the floor in the living room but assumed that he was mixing up memories of last night with memories of the attack. He knew that he'd had a nightmare and he also knew that someone had woken him up but he couldn't remember who. He considered phoning Josh to check he was okay. He decided not to bother. Josh hadn't rushed to see if he was okay so why should he? Sam frowned. That was an awful thing to think about him but he couldn't help it. Sam's thoughts about Josh were increasingly being followed by an anger that he couldn't understand. So he didn't come straight away- big deal. He would have if he'd known what had happened. But he should have known. He should have come. Sam screwed up his eyes and shook his head. He was finding it harder and harder recently to rationalise what had happened so he decided not to try. Maybe if he went away. Maybe a change of scene would help him to put things into perspective. Sam continued to reason why going away would be a good idea and not once did he acknowledge the fact that perhaps he was just simply running away.
For someone who had spent half the night awake, CJ looked decidedly chipper. As she appeared in his doorway Toby marvelled at her pristine appearance,
"Why don't you look like hell? I do and Josh certainly does."
"Why, you say the sweetest things." CJ slumped on the sofa. "I'm putting on a façade. If I was to join you and Josh in playing extras on The Return of the Walking Zombies I think Leo would suss something had happened. He's used to seeing you two look like this."
"Fair point." Now that Toby studied CJ she really did look like the evening's events had taken their toll. "I told Leo that Sam had decided he had come back too early and was tired."
CJ agreed that was a good idea. The last thing they needed was to have to start coming up for explanations for why Sam, who actually read the instructions on throat lozenges, had neglected to comply with the instructions of his prescribed medication.
"We'll need to make sure Josh says the same thing." On noticing Toby's expression she added, "Have you found out what happened yet?"
Toby rubbed his eyes. "No I haven't found out what happened yet and do I want to? No I do not, but I will, because that's what I do at the moment, I listen and I talk and I observe and I seem to be nowhere near even beginning to contemplate what to do about this…" Toby made circles in the air with his arm.
"Hellish situation?"
"Hellish situation, CJ, yes."
"We've got staff." CJ could think of nothing else to say.
"Yeah." Neither could Toby.
Sam offered Doctor Cooper a drink while he took off his coat and put his bag on the sofa. "No thank you, Sam, I won't be here that long. How are you feeling?"
"I'm fi-" Sam remembered it was his doctor he was talking to, "I feel a lot better than I did this morning."
The doctor looked at Sam and took in the pale complexion and the shadows under his eyes. He knew part of this was due to the rough night but he also knew Sam well enough to know that there must be other factors that were making him look as haggard as he did.
"Okay, Sam, let me examine you…would you be more comfortable in your bedroom?"
"No! I mean it's fine here you can examine me here." Sam would have smiled at the irony of the doctor's question if it hadn't have been for the panic that arose as soon as his bedroom was mentioned.
Doctor Cooper frowned at Sam's behaviour. He thought back to Rosslyn and tried to remember how he had seemed then. He remembered that he had coped well with the effects of that night and certainly didn't display any of the signs of anxiety that he was showing now. He set about examining Sam and asked casually, "Who did the hospital set you up to talk with, anyone I know?"
"Erm I can't remember her name…I only saw her twice. I'm going to see someone soon."
"How soon?"
"I'm sorry?" Doctor Cooper placed the stethoscope on Sam's chest, ignored his attempts at avoidance and repeated the question.
"Next week…I'll phone next week." Sam tried hard to slow his breathing down.
The doctor listened as Sam's heartbeat, which had been racing, slowed. He spent the rest of the time lecturing Sam about how dangerous his actions were last night and telling him how serious the consequences could have been.
"Do all your patients get a lecture and examination at the same time?
"Only the stupid ones."
"Oh," Sam replied meekly. Doctor Cooper smiled, in the time he had been Sam's doctor he had grown to like him very much. He grew frustrated with his increasingly poor diet and lack of exercise but was always amused at Sam's genuine apologies and promises that he would start a new regime tomorrow. Having satisfied himself that Sam was recovering well from last night he packed away his equipment and sat down opposite him.
"But what puzzles me is that you're not stupid and I can't imagine why you would do something so dangerous."
"I took the last one that morning and I suppose I thought they would be out of my system," Sam glanced at the doctor who clearly wasn't going to buy that one, "I was tired, it was my first day back at work and it had gone really well. I must have just got caught up in thinking everything was getting back to normal and I wasn't thinking straight." Sam didn't think Doctor Cooper looked too impressed with that response either.
"Are you sleeping?" Sam nodded.
"Eating?" Sam nodded again. It was easier to lie non-verbally.
Doctor Cooper lifted his bag onto his lap and tapped his forefinger on the handle. "Sam, I'd like you to come and see me tomorrow. I'd be a little happier if I could give you a proper examination and I'd like to have a look at how the wound is healing, run a few blood tests. I'd rather err on the side of caution after that infection."
Sam nodded and there was a pause during which the doctor studied Sam who nervously looked away.
"And apart from physically Sam, how are you doing?"
Sam's reaction to the question was an answer in itself. He shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, clasped his hands and coughed nervously. Apart from the affects of last night, Sam was doing well physically; it was his mental state that Doctor Cooper was becoming more concerned about.
"I tell you what, Sam, why don't you come in later this afternoon for that check up. I will have more time and we can talk about how you think you're doing then. Okay?"
Sam agreed to the doctor's request, knowing that he had no intention of being anywhere near Washington this afternoon. After saying goodbye Sam breathed out slowly and leant against the door. He felt like everything was closing in on him and decided that going away was the only way he could stop it. He walked over to his bedroom and slowly opened the door. He peeped inside as if he expected to see himself and the intruder at the foot of the bed so vivid were his memories of the attack. He remembered everything about last night except what he had said to Josh. He didn't give it too much thought though and just assumed that Josh had freaked at seeing him so ill again. At the moment he was more concerned about how he was going to pack a suitcase in a room that made him panic before he had even entered it. He suddenly pushed the door open and walked over to the wardrobe. Normally a fastidious packer Sam now grabbed clothes out of the wardrobe and flung them into a case, keen to be out of the room as quickly as possible. When he was finished he went into the kitchen and started to clear away the breakfast things. As he stood at the sink something bright on the floor caught his eye. He bent over to pick it up. It was the fridge magnet that Josh had displaced in his rush to call the doctor. The magnet was the shape of a boat. Sam put the magnet back on the fridge and went to find his phone book. He had already decided he was going to go but now he knew where he was going to.
Toby threw the fourth sheet of scrunched up paper into the waste bin and stood up and walked around his desk. He found himself staring at Sam's empty desk. There was something Sam had said this morning that had not sounded right but he couldn't think what it was. He had run over their conversation a couple of times but couldn't think what he had said that was bugging him so much. His thoughts were interrupted by Josh tapping on the window as he walked by. "Leo wants to see us," Josh didn't stop, he had avoided Toby all day and in the end Toby had given up trying to talk to him, leaving it to CJ to fill him in on Sam's absence story.
Toby walked quickly over to Leo's office and found CJ and Josh both standing by his desk. The silence was shattered as Leo's voice filled the room and he followed close behind. "What in the name of all things stupid did you do?" He entered and slammed the door behind him.
"We've probably done lot's of things to make you this unhappy, Leo, which particular stupid thing are you talking about?" Josh hadn't seen Leo this mad for a long time and his joke did little to qualm the uneasy feeling that had settled in his stomach.
"The thing that has three of my senior staff sitting here looking like shit and the other one on a train to Sag Harbor?"
"What?" Josh sat up straight and glanced at Toby.
Leo perched on the front of his desk and continued to stare at the three dumbfounded staff waiting for an answer.
"Where …?" Josh asked.
"Sag Harbor," Leo repeated.
"Why?" Before Leo could answer, Toby spoke up.
"As impressed as I am with your knowledge of interrogatives Josh I think we owe Leo an explanation and then I think he can fill us in on the what, where, whys and whens."
"Yes and when you have finished explaining it to Leo, he can come and explain it to me," everyone stood as Bartlet entered the room, "because I'd be interested to hear why one of my staff was shaking my hand telling me he was fine yesterday and this morning is sitting on a train to…" he gestured to Leo.
"Sag Harbor," he finished for him.
Bartlet perched next to Leo on the desk and motioned for the others to sit. He looked at the four people in the room. Leo looked furious and had done since the call from Sam. He watched the other three slowly taking in the news. His attention was drawn to Toby who groaned and started tapping himself on his forehead. "You idiot, Ziegler."
"Well, yes, that was going to be the main theme of this meeting," Leo snarled.
"All day I've been trying to think of something that Sam said this morning that wasn't quite right and now, after the horse has bolted from the thing, I've remembered." Toby sat down heavily on the sofa. "He said 'thanks for everything you tried to do, it meant a lot'."
"So what has that got to do with anything?" Josh asked irritably, the last thing he needed to hear was Toby fussing about semantics.
"He said it in the past tense," Bartlet said almost to himself.
CJ turned to Josh. "He's given up on us." There was no sense of drama to CJ's words it was stated as a simple fact. As far as Sam was concerned his friends had done all they could for him.
The next few moments passed in silence. Jed studied his staff again. They looked totally defeated and he could not think of a single thing to say to offer them any hope or encouragement.
"This is crap," Josh suddenly uttered and then realising who was sitting in front of him, apologised.
"No, that's alright, Josh, the crappiness of the situation hadn't escaped me. Besides I'm pretty sure it's only the oval office we're not supposed to swear in." Josh's half sigh, half laugh led to the tension lifting slightly, "I was just sitting here looking at you all and thinking that I didn't know what to tell you. The fact is I can't tell you that I know everything will work out in the end because you're all pretty astute people and I think you'd know I was lying. But I do know this; no one in this room has any reason to reproach themselves. Now I'm going to go back to my office and you're going to stay here and tell Leo what happened last night that led to Sam's departure and involved, if I'm not mistaken, a bloody nose." With that Bartlet patted Leo on the shoulder, stood up and left the room.
Toby began to pace and explained the events of last night while Josh absently stroked his still tender nose. CJ explained what Sam had told her had happened in the corridor and then Josh finally told them what Sam had asked him. When they were finished Leo sat for a while in silence the other three sat and waited. When he finally started to speak Josh sat forward expectantly.
"He called me half an hour ago and told me he was taking the sick leave that the Abbey had advised him to. I asked him exactly how long that was and he couldn't remember…" Leo shook his head and sighed. "He told me to ask the First Lady."
Josh had stood and walked over to the window when Leo started talking, he stared out of it as he asked, "What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to fire him."
Josh spun round so fast he nearly lost his balance and started to walk towards Leo with his hands held up. "Hold on…hold on…we're not there yet. We're nowhere near there yet."
"Well where exactly are we then, you tell me, because so far all I've heard from you is 'he's good Leo, he's doing great', yeah, well, he's obviously doing just swell isn't he!" Having unleashed their anger at the situation on each other they stood staring at it other as it drained from both of them. Leo sat down on the edge of his desk. "I'm not going to fire him, Josh."
"I know." Josh walked over to the sofa and sat down next to CJ.
The four sat in silence slowly coming to the same conclusion which Toby eventually voiced, "Well then, we wait, we can't do anything else."
"For how long?" Josh asked. "Let's at least set a time limit."
Leo stood and suddenly the atmosphere became business like. "Okay, let's give it a month and then it will be time to think again." Toby nodded and left the room CJ followed, Josh rose from his seat but didn't move.
"Do you know where he's staying?" he asked as Leo began sorting through papers.
Without looking up he answered, "You know I do, Josh, and you know I won't tell you so that was a waste of a question but here's one for you," he put the papers down and made sure Josh was looking at him before he began, "How did this happen? I mean from what Toby said you knew he was having nightmares you knew he wasn't coping so how did this happen?" Leo was not accusing Josh of failing Sam he simply could not understand how things had got to this stage.
Josh put his hands in his pockets, took a deep breath and looked down at the ground. "You know a wise man once told me a story about two men and a hole."
Leo smiled, "Yeah I know that one."
"Yeah…this time I think I was meant to be the man who showed the other guy the way out," Leo waited and then Josh looked up at him, "Thing is…I was too frightened to go back in."
Josh walked back to his office. Once there he shut the door behind him and turned his chair to face the window and sat down, one arm on the arm rest and his chin on his hand. Nearly 300 miles away Sam sat on the Acela Express hurtling towards New York. His position almost mirrored that of Josh's. Both men continued to stare out of their respective windows. They were not able to focus on the view; they could only see the images that haunted them still.