Wishing and Hoping
By the Almighty SporkGoddess
Just one year of love
Is better than a lifetime alone,
One sentimental moment in your arms
Is like a shooting star right through my heart.
It's always a rainy day without you,
I'm a prisoner of love inside you,
I'm falling apart all around you
- Queen
If there's anything I've learned lately, it's that love is a "first come, first serve" kind of deal. Chances are that even if you meet that perfect someone, out of millions in the universe, he will have already found his own "perfect someone," and you'll simply be just another lonely girl with an unrequited love.
Which is (in case you can't tell from my bitter soliloquy) the category into which I fall. It appears that I can't even state a general fact without inserting my own dilemma into it…. So, I guess I'm more lovesick than I thought.
Which is incredibly uncharacteristic of me. I've always been self-assured, professional. I know that I'm attractive, and that I have multitudes of guys drooling at me; plus I'm admired and respected by the girls. When I want something, I'm used to getting it. Is that force… what's it called… oh yeah, karma, kicking in? Because--pardon the cliché—the one thing that I truly want, above anything that I've ever wanted, I can't have.
No, I haven't known him for very long. Yes, he's quite a few years older than I am. And yes, the worst fact of all about him… he's married. Do you know what that's like? Even when you have a crush on someone and don't know how he feels, there's a chance.
In my situation, despite any feelings that he may have for me, there's not even a tiny glimmer of hope. Even if he does want me—and I know that he does—there's no way he'll give in. Even if I'm willing to overlook that fact, he isn't. He's just that noble… maybe that's why I love him so much. His devotion to his family is just so sweet that it makes him even more desirable to me.
You probably find that sick and wrong. Well, then obviously you've never felt for anyone in the same depth of what I feel for him. I guess that deep down, I must know that I'm pursuing a married man and thus can be labeled as a homewrecker. But, I just can't bring myself to care. Is that horrible of me? I can't help it. I really can't.
No, I don't want to be the "other woman." I want to be the only one. But, it's impossible. Would I settle for being just a fling? At this point, probably… how pathetic am I? I've never considered myself pathetic until now. I've never been a homewrecker until now, either. It's annoying, really, how just one guy is able to reduce me to this, to change me into something I'd never thought I would become.
I often wonder who his wife is, what she did that I'm doing wrong. I've seen his wife in that picture he keeps, and she's not exceptionally pretty. And certainly I have the advantage over her, as I'm younger and have never had children. Besides, I'm here right now and she isn't, so that obviously has nothing to do with it.
I don't know her. If I did, maybe that would make this easier. In my darker moods I hope that she's horrible, even though I realize that can't be true. Obviously she must be wonderful, and they must have a relationship that I can't even begin to understand. The kind of a relationship that I want to have with him.
But, I can't even hope to have that. I can't hope to have him. He's spoken for, and he wouldn't have it otherwise. Not even for me. All I can do is just enjoy being with him, even though it's not in the way that I want, and wish that someday he'll change his mind.
Author's Note: No, I don't like Emily very much. But I thought that I'd try to get inside her head, because her situation certainly fascinates me. My apologies if she was OOC because she's not the most developed character in ZZ, but I really tried to get her personality down.