by: transcendent
email : girl@lost-thoughts.net
Despite all the trouble between guys and myself, I do really like them. Even though what they do to girls makes me hate them all over again. They take away your friends, they take away your hope. All they want you to see is them. They don't want you to have friends. So you leave you friends for the guy. So you're happy, with him and you. Just you two together, holding hands and kissing.
But that's just a lie. Maybe that's how it is for a while, and then they dump you. They say you've became uninteresting or they just became uninterested in you. Then you feel like shit. Like your heart is just ripped out into a thousand pieces. You can't control your emotions anymore. You just wish you could lay down and die.
It's a feeling. A feeling of remorse, of self hatred. What could have gone wrong? What is wrong with me? You never think 'What is wrong with him?'. It's always what is wrong with me.
All of a sudden you collapse. All of your pain and anger, your hatred and your grief flow through your veins. You want to break something, like how your heart is broken. You want the glass to shatter into a thousand pieces. You want to punch the wall and hear the noise of the wood breaking in half. You want to feel the painful wooden shards enter your skin. You want to feel the feeling of drawing blood, like the feeling of crying. You want to feel the blood drip down your knuckles and make a beautiful blood red stain on the soft white carpet, like how the salty tears dripped down your porcelain face and fell into your lap, making a small round dot of darker blue on your jeans.
You let the blood drip to the carpet and create more stains. Just like the tears flowed from your beautiful crystalline eyes and continued to paint your jeans a darker blue.
So this is heartbreak, you think. This is how it feels to have your heart ripped out into a thousand pieces, knowing only time will mend them. So you let time do it's magic, you let your heart heal the natural way. You watch yourself smile again, your beautiful smile that everyone loves. You watch your hair start to shine, just like how you now radiate happiness instead of sadness and pain.
You look back into the mirror, the mirror that tells no lies. You look at yourself and see nothing wrong. It wasn't you, it was him. You had done nothing. He had ripped you from your friends. He had done it all. Your friends realize that, and take you back in. You're happy again. You love yourself. You love your friends. You are never going to let something like that happen again. You are over love.
Months later you see that same guy take your best friend. That guy steal her heart away, just like he had stolen your heart away only to leave it in a thousand miserable pieces. You let it happen. You know he's a nice guy.
You know your friend well enough. You know she would never leave you in the dust. No, not your best friend. She'd never do that. But then why do you feel like it will happen? Why do you feel like your heart is being broken again? Why do you feel those tears once more form in your eyes.
You let them be happy together, knowing one day someone will want you like he wants her. Knowing one day that you will be hugged like that. Knowing you will be treat that good, and loved that much. You know your day will come. You just wish it would come sooner. You want to feel those hugs know. You want to be treat that good now. You want to be loved now.
Betrayel. You've heard that word before. That word was familiar. You've been betrayed. You've been betrayed a lot before. Not once, not twice...but three times. You loved them, but...I guess they weren't the ones. They weren't the ones who were going to love you for yourself. The ones that will look past your outer exterior and look at you for you. The one that will love you inside and out. The one who will hug, love and treat you that special way.
Betrayal, and again that word comes up. You best friend...the one you thought would never be this way, had done it. She had made that very move that broke your heart. You didn't tell her. You couldn't tell her. She was your best friend. Your Best Friend, for God's sake. She was the one you were supposed to go to for this kind of help, but now that she's your problem you can't go to her. Who's left? ...No one.
You are alone. Always have been, always will be. You're supposed to bring love to others, you're the one who loves others for who they are. You're cursed. That second betrayal, he had cursed you. He told you that you would never be loved. So that is how it is. You accepted it. However much boy-crazy you were, you accepted your punishment.
Your punishment. No one deserved this though. Is this how your friends felt when you left them that first time? Had it been this brutal and this hurtful? No, you still loved them. You didn't let anything get in the way of your friendship this much. You still hung out with them, just as she still hung out with you. But you wouldn't let him bring you to hurt anyone, especially not your best friend.
So this is why you are here right now, with that knife in your hand. You could not be hurt again...not ever again. It wasn't worth it. You live and you die. But you'd rather die right now. You wanted to end the ongoing pain.
Maybe it was a little cowardice. But this pain that just ripped at you and clawed at you. Even the tears stung your eyes, and burned your skin. When you swallowed down your fear, it hurt your heart. When your heart moved, when it pumped the blood through your veins, the blood that was full of hatred and mixed emotions of betrayal and grief, those same feelings that had been there when your heart was first broken, your whole body shivered. Your body shivered, and never stopped. Your skin was cold, cold to the touch and cold to the eye. You know that you looked conflicted. Not just that little conflict that everyone has to face, but that conflict between life and death.
But you picked the road less traveled on. You were always different. You wanted to cut through your cold skin, and let that blood that surged through your veins to stain the carpet once again, as it had before when you punched your wall. That wall that you imaged was that man. That man who had turned your best friend against you.
Love. You were supposed to be the icon, the image of Love. The image of Beauty, and Sex and Love. The Goddess. A Goddess. The one that had been named the most beautiful Goddess over Athena and...who was it? It was Artemis, wasn't it? Who cares now? Not you. You don't care. Your life was a lie. You could never talk about love in such a high manor anymore. You could never be the senshi of love. You could never defeat anyone in the name of love. Love wasn't worth it. You weren't worth it.
So this was it. I can't say I love you, because love isn't worth it. So I will say Good Bye to you. Good Bye World. I am done being Aino Minako. I am done being the Senshi of Love and Beauty. I am done being the reincarnation of Aphrodite. I am done with love. I am done. I am finished. I will never find my angel.
You sniffed, letting the air burn your nose as you closed your eyes and waited for the pain of the knife tearing through your skin.
You feel a cold hand grip yours, and a soft monotone ask you what you're doing. You look up, opening your eyes and seeing the light, and the chiseled features of this man.
"K-K..Kunzite?" you stammer out, blinking once. You look back at your hand that gripped the knife, seeing his hand on top of yours, resting there.
"Minako, what are you doing?" he asked, this time a bit more harsh.
You close your eyes again, sighing deeply, letting the air that had burned your nose to burn your throat. But this time it didn't hurt. Your skin wasn't cold. It was warm, it has hot. You heart was beating faster, but it did not hurt, it pumped blood that was warm, hot, through your veins, giving you a sensation of happiness. Happiness? What?
You don't answer him, but only look at him, asking him the same question through your eyes.
"You can't kill yourself, Minako. You know you can't. Usagi needs you, Minako," he told you, his voice still harsh.
"I don't care if she needs me. She has the others. She has Rei, Rei can do anything. Rei has-"
"Minako listen to yourself. Going on and on about love like this. Someone loves you Minako, you just won't open your eyes and realize who it is!" he yelled at you, ripping the knife from your grip.
"Then you loves me for me, Kunzite? Who will hug me that special way? Who will treat me the right way? Who is going to love me tenderly and never let anything or anyone harm me?" you yell back at him, feeling exposed.
Kunzite stood up from his kneeling position, looking at you with his gray eyes. Those same eyes that had once betrayed you. He was the first. But he was so trusting. You felt like you could trust him. But why would you trust him? Only to be betrayed again.
"I love you, Minako," he said back to you, softly. "I've loved you since the Silver Millennium. If you'd only believe that that wasn't me! Minako, please!"
You grunt. You weren't going to let him tell you he loved you. He had told you that before. They all had told you that. "That's what they all say, Kunzite. Just leave me be. Let me end my worthless life."
"Your life is not worthless, Minako."
"It is too."
"I love you, Minako," he said instead. He extended his hand, hoping you will take it.
You looked away from his hand. If you took his hand, it meant you loved him. It would expose you again to that thing called love. That thing you're supposed to be without.
"I cannot love, Kunzite. I'm a monster!" you yell, turning your head away from Kunzite.
"Take my hand, Minako. Take it," he commanded you.
You look back at him. His eyes were pleading. His frown wasn't as visible, it looked more painful. This is when you knew he was just as lonely as you were. You knew he felt the same way as you did.
You smile. Smile, the thing you do when you're happy. You let yourself feel the love, feel what was supposed to coarse through your body all of the time. It felt good, you loved being loved. But you knew you couldn't have it. You would only be betrayed again.
"Minako..." he begged, seeing your features shift into a smile. The smile he had fallen in love with.
"I've let myself love you before, Kunzite. And what did you do? You betrayed me!"
"It wasn't me, Minako. Please, trust me! Understand that that was not me!"
"Then who was it, Kunzite?"
He huffed. He did not have an answer.
"If I take your hand...what will it prove to you? What will it mean to you?" you ask.
"That you care for me. That you don't want to be lonely. That you want to be loved. That you want to be loved by me. I won't let anything hurt you. I won't even allow myself to hurt you. I couldn't do that to you, Minako. Because I love you."
"You've said that before, Kunzite."
"Minako...."
"Kunzite," you say, annoyance in your voice. "You know that I do not want to be lonely. That I do want to be loved. And that...I do want to be loved by you and that I do care for you. I just don't want to be hurt. I've been hurt so many times..."
"So have I, Minako. I know how it feels."
"How will I know this time is different? How will I know, Kunzite?"
"Just trust me....please."
"I..I do trust you."
"Then take my hand."
"I want to take your hand...but I can."
"What's stopping you, Minako?"
"I'm stopping me."
"Why are you stopping yourself? You want to be loved, so let yourself be loved!" he argued with you.
"I love you, Kunzite."
"I love you...Minako."
You smile, knowing you cannot win this. If you win, you truly would lose. So, if you lose...you win. With that, you put your hand in his and let yourself be loved, and you think...So this is what it feels like...to be loved?
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So how did you like it? I wrote this when I felt really hurt about my friend and her boyfriend. So, I really kind of when through this, except for the Kunzite part. Hehe. Write from expirence, right? Anyways, I hope this wasn't too confused. I tended to use 'you' a lot. It was basically Minako talking to herself, and reffering to herself as 'you'...kind of. Aahh, I don't know! I can't really explain it, I just wrote what I was feeling I guess. Please tell me what you think! Ja ne!