Part Two--The New Man
It takes Xander the better part of two days to figure out he is free from the torture chamber. The gang takes turns staying with him but he doesn't respond to anyone. He is recovering from his wounds nicely but he barely says a word. He doesn't ask for Buffy at all.
It is almost a week before he has a real conversation with anyone. Willow is with him. He looks at her.
"Willow, would you ask Giles to come see me."
"Xander, are you okay?"
"I will be Willow. I have to get back to school and I have to get back to the slaying."
"Xander, do you want me to get Buffy?"
"No I don't, Willow. Could you just get Giles for me?"
Willow is very upset. There is something very different with Xander. There is nothing in his eyes, nothing at all. Willow has never seen him like this in all the years she has known him. She goes to the library. Most of the gang is there. Buffy has been like a zombie.
"Giles, Xander wants to see you."
"Oh," He looks at Buffy. "Do you want to come with me. Buffy?"
Willow looks at Giles. "He asked for just you, Giles." Looking at the slayer. "I'm sorry, Buffy."
Giles goes to the hospital. He goes to Xander's room.
"Giles, can you check me out?"
"Xander, do you think your ready to leave?"
"I'm just about healed, Giles."
"How about mentally and emotionally?"
"Giles, I'm ready to deal with Hellmouth, again."
Giles starts to go to the desk but stops. He looks back at Xander.
"Xander, I didn't tell you this before but I know you made sure Buffy got away. Thank you."
Xander answers almost matter of factly. "That is my job."
Giles is happy Xander is physically ready to leave but even he can feel that there is something very different with the boy. He's emotionless. It's even a bit eerie.
The watcher checks him out. Then, they go back to the library.
When everyone sees Xander they crowd around him. Buffy hangs to the back. One by one everyone gets a first hand look at the difference in the boy. Buffy does not even have to approach him. She can feel it. He doesn't look her way at all.
Buffy told Giles that she would patrol alone, even when Xander got out. When Giles announces this Xander doesn't comment. The slayer has to hold back the tears. Xander never wanted her to patrol alone. Now, it appears, he doesn't care.
The watcher has him slated to patrol with Monica. Buffy doesn't like this at all but she holds her tongue. She made a promise to God that she wouldn't push anything with Xander if he could just recover from this incident. The fact that he is even at this meeting is proof that they did not completely kill his spirit. Maybe the rest would come with time.
Monica is very nervous. When she heard she would be patrolling with Xander her heart leap for joy but then was tempered with guilt. She remembers her conversation with Rebecca at the hospital.
Xander also goes back to school. He says little or nothing to anyone. After about a week of this Buffy can't stand it. She has to, at least, know where they stand. Aside from a very casual hello and goodbye they have not had a conversation since the whole thing happened.
She approaches him at his locker. "Xander, can we go someplace to talk?"
"I'm busy, Buffy?"
"Please?"
Xander sighs but then follows Buffy to a private place.
She approaches him very nervously. "Xander, I'm not trying to put pressure on you, honey, but could you please tell me where we stand?"
Xander replies without even the slightest expression on his face.
"Buffy, I need everything I have for the struggle."
"I know you do, Xander, but that's not what I asked you."
"We both need to keep ourselves together so we can battle the Hellmouth."
Buffy knows Xander had a horrible thing happen to him but she has to push it just a little.
"What does that mean Xander?"
He looks into her eyes for the first time. "It means we're going to take care of business."
"Xander, my heart is broken in two. I swore I would go along with whatever you wanted but this is stupid. You can't just shut yourself off. You're not a machine"
Even in his new state Xander can feel his blood start to boil but he is not going to allow her to break him. He suffered enough for his love for her. Besides, she has no idea what they did to him. He has not discussed it with anyone. And what if they do it to her next time?
This last point is the one, which scares him the most. He can feel the tears starting to come to his eyes. He has to leave before Buffy sees.
"I have to go to class, Buffy."
He leaves in a hurry. Buffy cannot stop her tears. Xander loses his battle, also.
Monica meets Xander for patrol. She feels she is with a stranger. He has been very good as far as fighting is concerned but they have had little human exchange in three days. Monica cannot stand it. She stares at him. He doesn't respond. She stops.
When Xander notices she is no longer walking with him he looks back at her.
"Are you coming, Monica?"
"What the hell are you doing, Xander?"
"I thought we were on our way to patrol. Did I miss something?"
She catches up to him. "You can't do this forever."
"What the hell are you talking about, Monica?"
"Be like this. You can't be like this forever. Sooner or later it's going to get to you."
Xander is disgusted. Just what he needs, somebody else trying to probe him.
"What, did Buffy have a talk with you?"
"Yea, that's a joke."
"What does that mean?"
Monica suddenly feels very uncomfortable. "This is about you, hard ass, not me."
Shaking his head. "What do you want, Monica?"
"I want you to be the person I…the person who saved me from the Werewolves."
"That person is gone."
"Why, Xander?"
"The discussion is over, Monica."
"No it's not, Xander. Talk to me, please? Tell me what's wrong?"
Xander gets angry. "You don't know what's wrong? What are you, an asshole?"
She walks in front of him. She grabs him by the shoulders.
"Xander you got away. It's over. You can go back to being yourself."
She has him, now. The expression on his face turns. The anger and pain and terror in his eyes takes Monica's breath away. He'll tell her about it now. But, is she ready?
"It's over! You think it's over? Do you know what the fuck they did to me?"
"Xander…yes I do. Rachel told us."
"You know yet you still have the guts to tell me it's over?"
Xander is really tearing her apart. "I don't mean the pain is over, Xander. I mean you're not with your enemies anymore. You're back with the people who love you."
Monica is in tears now. Xander looks away from her. She cups his face in her hand, raising his eyes to hers.
"Xander…I'm…I'm one of them. Please let me comfort you. Let somebody comfort you. You're the best man I know, Xander. Please don't let those bastards change you. If they can change you then they can change anybody."
There is something about Monica. Xander feels this incredible bond with her. Most importantly, right now, he feels he can trust her. He stares at her. He starts to get out of breath.
"Monica…"
He breaks down in her arms. He is shaking.
"Xander, let's go to my house. It's dangerous out here."
They walk silently, hand in hand, to Monica's house. She fixes some hot chocolate. Xander starts right in.
"It was awful, Monica. My mother…I was having this dream…"
He can't go on. He starts to sob and shake and pant. He is breaking Monica's heart.
The more he tells her the more he cries and sweats. It is coming out of him, the whole thing.
Monica has to get up. She is coming very close to a danger point. Xander is very vulnerable and open right now. Everything inside of her is screaming to be here for him, to comfort him, to give him shelter from this awful storm…to love him. But, it's not right.
She gives him a very warm hug. "I'll be right back, Xander."
She goes into the other room and closes the door. She picks up the phone.
Buffy is in her room sulking as she has been since this whole thing happened. Patrol, school and her room, that's it. The phone rings.
"Hello."
"What do you want, Monica?"
When she hangs up the phone Monica goes back to Xander. He is sitting with his eyes closed, shaking as he remembers the ordeal. When the doorbell rings Monica tells Xander she will only be a minute.
She opens the door joining Buffy on the front porch. Buffy is pissed as expected.
"Oh, that's real good, Monica. You know what condition he is in so seduce him to your house. What did you call me for, to gloat?"
"Stop it, slayer. You'll never know how hard this is for me to do. He's in there all torn apart. It should be you in there with him."
Buffy stares at Monica. She didn't know what to expect when the girl called her but she certainly didn't expect to have to face Xander. She is terrified.
"He hates me, Monica. As much as I don't want to say this, maybe you should just do what you can do for him."
Seeing how afraid Buffy is, Monica addresses her very warmly.
"Buffy, it's still you who can melt his heart. I would never take advantage of him or you like that."
For the first time Buffy really sees how good of a person is Monica Gentry. She closes her eyes.
"I'm sorry I attacked you, Monica. I can't face him. You heard Rachel say what I did to him."
"Buffy, it's what Drusilla did to him not you. You have to tell him that. Stand up for yourself. Stand up for your love. It can beat this. Just do it, Buffy."
Buffy stares at Monica. She's right.
"Thank you, Monica." They embrace warmly. Buffy follows Monica into her house. She takes a deep breath. This may be the hardest thing she has ever had to do. Buffy has never forgiven herself for the pain she caused Xander before they were together. Now, this.
Buffy knows the whole thing with Angel will probably come up. She is not going to back down, however. She is not going to allow Hellmouth to destroy the best thing that has ever happened to either one of them. This is for both of them.
The slayer has no idea what Xander will do when he sees her. She is so afraid she can hardly breathe. She doesn't have to wait too long to find out. Monica approaches Xander.
"Xander?"
When he hears Monica's voice he practically jumps into her arms.
Buffy is very hurt but doesn't say a word. The boy still doesn't see her.
"Xander, Buffy is here."
When he finally sees her he panics. "No, get her out of here! Get her the fuck out of here!"
The slayer jumps at the harshness of his voice.
Xander looks at Monica hard. "What the hell are you doing? Was this some kind of trick?"
"No it isn't, Xander. This is Buffy Summers, the woman who beats in your heart. Stop trying to ignore her. She is the one who can get you through this."
"Do you know what she did to me?"
Buffy knows she has to do this. She has to have the courage to make him face this so they can both go on. If she doesn't it will destroy them. She goes in front of the trembling boy.
"No, Xander, that was not me. I would never hurt you."
Xander is not going to break down in front of her. He quickly composes himself but Buffy isn't buying it. Xander stands up as if to leave.
"No Xander, don't leave. What is this? You were going to let somebody else comfort you but you won't let me?"
"Buffy, I don't want to do this."
"You don't want to do what, Xander?"
"I'm not going to let you break me!"
The slayer doesn't fully understand but she gets a whiff of something that really disturbs her.
"Wait a minute, Xander. Are you saying you don't want to break down in front of me because you don't want me to see you weak?"
"I told you. I'm not going to let you win this!"
"Goddamn it, Xander, it's not a contest. You're hurting. I'm your soul mate. What kind of a message is this to give to me? I love you. We're almost married, Xander. I know it was horrible. I know what they did to you. But, it wasn't really me. I'm the woman you love with all your heart and soul."
The boy stares at her. "The slayer princess, the fucking prima donna of the slaying world!"
"You can't fool me with that hard ass stuff, Xander. I think I know what the problem is now. You found out something you really didn't want to face. In all the tragedy of what happened, the thing that bothered you the most is you found out how much you really need me."
"Oh, yea, the great slayer figured it all out. Contemplate getting over yourself."
Buffy tries to get close to him. "Xander, I want to go through this with you. I'm not made out of plastic. I'm not going to break."
"Look, Slayer, you don't want to hear it in detail, believe me."
"Yes, I do, Xander. Honey, it happened to you but we're a part of each other now. If something happens to you it happens to me, also. Don't shut me out. You can't get any closer than us, Xander. Please, let me do this, honey"
Xander sits down on the sofa. Buffy goes to Monica.
"Monica, we'll go to his house. Thank you so much."
They hug very warmly.
Xander still does not want to lay this on Buffy but it seems like it is going to hurt her just as much if he shuts her out. He decides to trust her on this one.
They go to Buffy's house first. Buffy tells her mother that she wants to spend the night with Xander because the boy is really having a rough time. Joyce doesn't argue. The fact of them spending the night together does bother her, though.
While Buffy is upstairs getting some things Joyce decides to come right out and ask Xander something.
"You're feeling really bad, Xander?"
Xander always feels like a fool talking to Joyce because they can never tell her the truth.
"Yes I am, Mrs. Summers. Buffy has agreed to help me."
Joyce just comes out with it.
"Are you going to sleep together tonight, Xander?"
The boy almost falls off his chair.
"Oh, Mrs. Summers…ah…we…"
Buffy comes down just in time. They say so long to Joyce. They leave Buffy's house but Xander stops. He goes back in. He looks at Joyce.
"We won't."
"What?"
"Sleep together. We won't sleep together tonight."
As Buffy opens the door to see what is keeping Xander she comes upon the embarrassing sight of them hugging, again.
After walking awhile Buffy decides to probe the boy.
"Why were you hugging my mother, again?"
"It's a long story."
She gives him a hard look. "One that you will definitely share when you're feeling better."
They arrive at Xander's house. Buffy is very afraid. Xander has not allowed her to touch him. She wonders if her decision to face this with him might come back to haunt her.
Despite her fear she is not going to let him down now.
They are both sitting on the love seat, Xander gets up and moves to the couch. After a few deep sighs he looks the slayer straight in the eye.
He tells her the story step by painful step. His clothes are soaked with sweat and he is shaking like a leaf in the wind. The tears are streaming down Buffy's face. She isn't even trying to stop them.
Xander puts his head down sobbing. Buffy takes a chance going to him. She sits down beside him.
When she tries to put her hand on Xander's back he recoils in horror.
"Goddamn you, didn't I just tell you what you did to me! Get the hell away from me."
Buffy stands up in shock. Xander goes toe to toe with her.
"Was that the fucking game you were playing? Humor Xander for a few minutes then we can go back to as if nothing happened! I told you to get out of here!"
It takes Buffy a moment to recover. "Stop this Xander."
"Oh, what's the matter? Am I scaring the little slayer girl? I should have let your fucking Angel get you."
This is really blowing Buffy away but she has to stay with it. She reaches down deep inside for the strength to stand up to him. She goes to him.
"Look at me Xander! Look into my eyes."
He turns his back on her. She follows him, forcing him to face her.
"Let's stop fooling around. Drusilla tortured you, Xander, not me! You know that, too. That's not your Goddamn problem and you know it. Your problem is you found out how much you need me. You could hold it together even with the evil of your parents. But when you thought I turned on you it broke you."
It is breaking her in two but she continues. "That's the problem. That's what scares the shit out of you. You had no idea you needed me like that. You knew you loved me and wanted me but you had no idea you needed me like that."
Xander is really pissed off. He goes to her. "Who the hell do you think you are? I don't need anybody like that."
"You're not getting out of this, Xander. Why does it scare you so bad to need me? I need you, Xander. Everybody knows it. When you're hurt or not around I can't function right. I'm not ashamed of it. Why are you?"
Xander walks away from her. She follows him.
"I get it. It's all right for me to have you as my weakness but not the great Xander Harris. He can't have a weakness."
Xander grabs her roughly. "Shut up, Buffy!"
"No, Xander, I won't. You need me, Xander, just as much as I need you."
Xander pins Buffy against the wall. She doesn't back down. "Go ahead, Xander, hit me! Go ahead if it will make you feel better."
He looks deep into her eyes. He could never do that. He breaks down. He goes back to the sofa. Buffy follows him. She puts her hand on his shoulder. He does not push it away. He starts to sob. He looks up at her.
"Don't…don't you know…Buffy…if I need you like that…how much…how much danger it puts you in. I blew it, Buffy. I'm suppose to help you instead I set you up. I blew it.
Buffy knew it. She knew it all had something to do with her. This boy is almost too much for her. In all the horror of everything that was done to him the thing that bothers him the most is how he might be endangering her.
"Xander, you didn't blow anything you crazy fool."
She hugs him. He collapses into her arms.
"Buffy, don't you understand? They'll get you."
"Xander, listen to me. I'm not making light of what you're saying. I can't help it, Xander. I know it's dangerous for us to love each other. Xander, we can't let them have everything. Do you think I want to stop loving you? Xander, do you remember when you told me that you understood why I had to love Angel because he was my only contact with goodness?"
Xander nods. She continues. "Then why can't you understand why I have to love you and why you have to love me? Xander, I don't even know if what I had with Angel was love. But, I know I love you. I want you. I need you. You're my goodness, Xander. You have always been my goodness. Let me have it, Xander, please."
Buffy allows what she said to sink in for a few minutes.
"Buffy, what we have scares me half to death."
"I know it does, Xander. But you have to let go of that. Let go of that fear."
Buffy decides she has to lighten things up.
"Besides, my oh so uptight boyfriend. You can't help yourself. No matter what you do you can't stop loving me. I've got you!
She playfully grabs at his stomach.
"Hey!"
"I'm not going to stop until you tell me you love me and you can't help it."
The slayer starts tickling him without mercy.
"All right, all right, I can't help it." He looks up at the slayer.
"We were having a serious conversation here, Buffy."
"I know, but sometimes we just have to shut you down. You're mind goes crazy and we have to bring you back."
"You don't want to hear it so you found a creative way to change the subject. Always the brat."
She approaches him menacingly, again. "Don't you start, Xander."
Xander wants no more of it. "Okay, okay, keep your hands to yourself."
The slayer continues. "Now, are we finished with discussion number one million and six why it is bad for Xander to love Buffy? Can I expect a kiss anytime before Y2K messes up your computer brain?
Xander has to laugh. They kiss passionately.
When they break Buffy gets serious again.
"Xander, I know what happened to you won't go away for a long, long time. Please promise me you won't shut me out. I can help Xander. I can be your help mate too, honey."
"Thank you, Buffy. I love you and…I need you."
"Xander, if there's one thing you could have said to me that would insure I wouldn't leave you for the next eight million years, it's that."
"Wow, that's a long time."
"Do you think you can stand to look at me for that long.
He puts his fingers through her hair, brushing it toward her ears. "As long as I can do that."
He gives her a most passionate kiss. "And that."
"Well, I think that can be arranged. But, that's a long, long time, you know.
"Then we better start taking it one day at a time. Maybe even one minute at a time."
They start the journey, which normally ends in much bliss, but Xander stops.
"What's the matter, honey, you're not up for it?"
He just looks at her.
"What's the matter, sweetie, we haven't been together in weeks. Things will start to drop off of us and stuff."
"We can't Buffy. I told somebody we wouldn't."
"What?"
"I told somebody we wouldn't make love tonight."
Buffy is puzzled. "What are you talking about, Xander, who did you tell?"
"Your mother."
"Say that, again."
He falls back against the sofa. "Your mother, okay."
Buffy shakes her head in disbelief. "I don't believe it. You told my mother you and I wouldn't make love tonight?"
"Yea, when you went upstairs. She asked me…what could I say?"
Buffy plops down beside him on the sofa. "Xander…you…I don't even know what to say. Is that what you went back in to tell her?"
"Yea."
"And that's why you two were hugging?"
He nods. "I don't know what to do with you Xander. You are, by far, the craziest boyfriend any girl could ever have. What am I going to do with you?"
Xander gets very close to her. "We can cuddle. We only have like an hour until the night is over."
"What?"
"In an hour it will be after midnight. I didn't say anything about tomorrow morning."
They both enjoy a very nice and cleansing laugh.
Our heroes spend some time in quiet together. Their lives are impossible. The forces of evil are everywhere. They get periodic breaks to try to heal one another. This time it was Xander who almost broke. They can barely keep their heads above water.
In a dark heavily guarded area somewhere in neighboring Nevada two men enter a small shed. Once in the shed they enter a small chamber. They are transported underground. Once underground they walk to a conference room where they join a group of six other people. One of the gentlemen begins to speak.
"In a place called, Sunnydale, California there exists a phenomena which includes various forces of the so called underworld. They number among them beasts and daemons with superior strength and very little need for creature comforts. They have a penchant for destruction and mayhem but lack organization and proper worldview. In my opinion, gentleman, they would make the ideal small army for our more clandestine operations in California and elsewhere."
One of the other men questions him.
"What would it entail, Mr. Roberts, bribing, domesticating?"
"In some cases one or both. In other cases we may just have to prove mutual benefit. We need to convinced them we have the best offer."
The person who appears to be in charge speaks.
"What would be our overhead, Mr. Roberts?"
"Our main problem would seem to be a group of rag-tag do-gooders who appear to consider it their sacred duty to rid said place of all it's potential."
"Can they be dealt with, Mr. Roberts?"
"In one way or another, yes sir."
"Do our options include extreme prejudice, Mr. Roberts?"
"By all means, sir."
"Alright, do the preliminary investigation. Come back in two months with names and faces. We will proceed on this with temporary approval. You may use whatever resources you deem necessary, Mr. Roberts."
"Meeting adjourned!"
Go on to Part Three
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Buffy and the Slayerettes are Property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB. No Copyright Infringement is Intended.