I dedicate this next chapter to Dan, for the following reasons:

1) He thinks I'm funny

2) He sings during Physics class and gets me out of trouble for being a smart-alec

3) He wore a suit for the last day of class

4) He shaved his head for the play

You're amazing Dan! :-)

Chapter Four: Getting worse

Nazgûl 8: I call as my first witness, Pîm Boogernose!

The Fellowship all stare as the runny-nosed dwarf is sworn in.

Pippin: Who's she??

Gimli: I dunno, but she's kinda cute…

Legolas glares at him

Gimli: What? What's it to you?

Legolas grumbles something inaudible and slumps in his chair.

Gandalf: (Flipping through the Silmarillion Appendix) She's not in here…

Nazgûl 8: Pîm, please tell the court who you are

Pîm: I am wife to Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood.

All except Legolas, Pîm, and the Nazgûl gasp

Frodo: Wha-wha-what!?

Pîm: We met a century or so before the whole ring business, and got married. We now have eight children, and are living in a nice little place just outside of Erebor.

Everyone stares at Legolas, who has turned a nice shade of rosy pink.

Nazgûl 8: Your honor, here is their marriage license. Based on this evidence, and the testimony of Mrs. Boogernose-Greenleaf, I charge Legolas Greenleaf with disrupting Middle-earth by having, as of this moment in time, over 832,530.5 girlfriends/wives.

All gasp and Legolas bursts into tears.

Aragorn: point five?

Nazgûl 8: A few of them were hobbits

Sam: HEY! Hobbits count as whole people!

Gandalf: Actually, technically "halflings" only qualify as ½ or .5

Sam pouts

Legolas: (sobbing) It's not my fault! It was all that stupid Orlando guy! All I ever wanted was to have a nice little wife and be a zucchini farmer! Was that so much to ask??!!

Saruman: Hang on, I'm a little confused here. Remember I've been dead for a bit. Could you please fill me in?

Nazgûl 9: Well your honor, we have been doing some checking-up on Mr. Greenleaf here, and it seems that every few decades or so he gets a new wife/girlfriend. We have accounts of his wandering about Middle-Earth until he finds some desperate Elf-maiden who has been cruelly mistreated by humans, some fierce warrior-chick who needs help finishing off a few balrogs, a party where some forlorn babe has no one to dance with, or (and most common of all) some 20th century female who has been mysteriously transported to Middle-earth.

Audience gasps

Saruman: Do you have any witnesses who can support these claims?

Nazgûl 10: Well, actually…

Nazgûl 1-9: You shut up and stay out of this!