Mercuria: Well, you've told us about it, and it's true. We atheists and agnostics and liberals are all going to Hell. But who says that's a bad thing? My apologies to all those involved for being so damn slow.
Disclaimer: This story contains every literary and pop culture reference to Hell that I can think of. I don't own any of them.
**********
Mercuria Stardust, being approximately one-third of the way through her life's journey, was happily drawing pictures of dismembered rabbits in the Dark Wood of Error.
"La la la la la ..."
Then she heard a noise. Mercuria cocked her head to one side, and then to the other side, listening. A sound rather like that of a large vehicle mowing down the underbrush reached her ears.
"Hmm," Mercuria said, "I hear a noise-"
And then the giant red bus came lurching into the clearing.
Mercuria screamed and leapt to the side as it rumbled past her, then blinked in a mixture of awe and confusion as it swerved and stopped in front of her. She could clearly see the words "Blasphemy Bus" printed on the side in gothic black letters.
"..."
For a short time, the bus was absolutely silent. Then it sprung to life as it rocked back and forth in time to several crashes from within.
"No! Put it down!" someone shouted.
'K ... 2 ...?' Mercuria thought.
"B-but K2," a voice whined, "it's not my fault that the gym teachers who plan to take over the world have stolen my socks! They HAVE to pay, naturally."
Mercuria blinked. "Omni?"
"But ... isn't a flamethrower a bit ... much?"
"No."
Mercuria was swiftly becoming frustrated. What was this large bus doing in HER Wood of Error? And if it really WAS Omni and K2 in there, why weren't they coming out to say hello? It was all most insulting.
Mercuria, deciding to take matters into her own hands, strode up to the Blasphemy Bus and rapped sharply on the door. The noise from inside ceased. In approximately 0.306782 seconds, the door burst open and a scowling face appeared.
"MERC!" the owner of said face yelled. "Where have you BEEN? We've been looking all OVER for you!"
"Hey Merc," K2 called from the driver's seat.
"H-hi Omni ..." Mercuria replied. "Hi K2. What's going o-"
"We're going to Hell," Omni said with a smirk.
Mercuria blinked.
"Are HB and that lot finally getting to you?" she said in concern, putting a hand to Omni's forehead. "Hmm, no fever ..."
"No, she's right," K2 said, getting off the Blasphemy Bus. "We've decided to pay Lucifer a visit, and we're all going to Hell."
"Who's we?" Mercuria asked.
Omni and K2 shrugged.
"Everyone we can round up," K2 said.
"Come on, we've got a rendezvous with Java and Cherry in Georgia!" Omni said impatiently.
Mercuria blinked again.
"Wait, what did I just agree to here?" she asked, following Omni and K2 as they reentered the bus.
"A road trip like no other!" Omni grinned.
*************
K2 wasn't sure exactly how Omni had acquired the Blasphemy Bus, but she really didn't want to know.
Within fifteen minutes of leaving Mercuria's wood, the bus was rumbling into Georgia. Mercuria and Omni were engaged in a lively discussion of the obvious homosexuality of various Shakespearean characters, and K2 was trying to figure out how to find Java and Cherry Blossom.
K2 looked at the map, at the road, then back at the map. She stared at it for awhile, turned it upside-down, stared some more, and crumpled it up and tossed it onto the dashboard.
"Omni!" she called.
"And so when he says that, he REALLY means-"
"Omni?"
"Wow, I never thought of it THAT w-"
"OMNI!"
Omni and Mercuria blinked owlishly and looked at K2.
"How may I be of service?" Omni said.
"How did we find Merc?" asked K2. "I'm thinking we could use that method to try to locate Java and Cherry."
Omni thought for a moment.
"Well," she said slowly, "I had the flamethrower-"
"Never mind," K2 said quickly.
Mercuria walked over to K2 and examined the control panel(?).
"Has this thing got GPS?" she inquired.
Omni shrugged, but K2 grinned.
"Good idea!" she said. "Now let's see ..."
Her gaze fell on a big red button labeled, "Global Persecution Satellite".
"Ooh!" Mercuria said. "That works."
"Let's give it a try," Omni suggested.
K2 looked at the button as if she were afraid that it might be some sort of trap.
"All right," she said finally, "I guess it couldn't hurt ..."
K2 hesitantly pushed the button. The bus lurched forward of its own accord and zoomed down the highway, knocking over various road signs and cattle as it went.
"YIKES!" screeched Mercuria, clinging to the back of K2's seat in order to stay on her feet. "What's going on?! Turn it off!"
K2 frantically jabbed at the button, which did absolutely nothing.
"I can't! It's stuck or something!"
Omni giggled hysterically from her seat.
"This ROCKS!" she cried. "Does it go faster?!"
As she said this, the Blasphemy Bus came to an abrupt stop, and Mercuria, Omni, and K2 suddenly found themselves flying into the windshield. They fell to the ground- along with the contents of the bus- and lay still for a moment.
"Any casualties?" K2 muttered from her face-down position on the floor.
Mercuria and Omni mumbled something about tunnels and white light.
"Where do I sign, St. Peter?" Omni groaned.
Mercuria pulled herself to her feet and staggered to the window.
"We're ... outside a cafe ..." she informed her traveling companions.
K2 and Omni limped over to her. Outside was a smallish-looking building bearing the name, "Bob's Cafe".
"Yeah ... it's definitely a cafe," K2 said. "Which begs the question: why?"
"Forty-two!" Omni interjected. Mercuria nodded sagely.
"All right," K2 said, blinking. "That works. Why don't we get down and see what's here? Maybe we can get some fresh pastries or something."
The group emerged from the Blasphemy Bus and into the bright sunlight. K2 hissed slightly and murmured something about sunscreen. Fortunately for her, the three companions quickly entered the cafe and looked around.
The sole occupants of the cafe (aside from an unpleasant-looking man behind the counter who appeared to be the owner) were no less than Java and Cherry Blossom.
"Yes, and that's why I dun' think Christianity is a good choice for me," Java was saying.
"Ah, so THAT was the persecution," Omni observed. "Anti-Christian sentiments."
"Hi guys!" Mercuria cried, waving enthusiastically.
"MERC!" Java cried, pouncing. Mercuria fell to the flood with a thump and lay there.
"Um, Merc?"
"It's not you," K2 assured Java. "It's kinda been one of those days."
"Hey Cherry!" Omni said. "What are you two doing in this obscure cafe in Georgia?"
"What are YOU guys doing in this obscure cafe in Georgia?" Cherry countered.
"Looking for you," Mercuria said from her spot on the floor.
"Hey you!" the man behind the counter barked. "Get up off my floor! I just had it washed!"
Mercuria stood up dizzily and sat down next to Cherry Blossom.
"Looking for us?" Java said interestedly, cocking her head to one side. "Doshite yo?"
"And how did you find us?" asked Cherry.
"We're going to Hell!" Omni announced.
"We found you using a Global Persecution Satellite," K2 told Cherry.
"Persecution?"
"Sometimes it's best not to ask."
"So," Omni said, "how 'bout it? Wanna go visit Lucifer?"
Java and Cherry nodded enthusiastically, grinning broadly. The group boarded the Blasphemy Bus and was off once more.
**************
"Now, let's see ..." K2 said some time later. "Java, Cherry, Merc, Omni, me ... are we missing anybody?"
"What about Oreo?" Java called from the back of the bus.
K2 slapped herself on the forehead.
"Of course!" she cried. "Oreo!"
Mercuria looked at the steering wheel apprehensively.
"Is there a way to find her which does NOT involve the use of the GPS?" she asked.
Fortunately, no one was forced to ponder this, because at that exact moment, Cherry Blossom spotted a figure standing on the side of the road, carrying a sign that read, "TO HELL AND BACK".
"Hey ... I think that's Oreo!" she said.
"Hurrah for deus ex machina!" Omni cried.
K2 slammed down on the brakes and managed to stop the bus several yards in front of the hitchhiker. She opened the doors, and a very cross and dusty Oreo climbed in.
"About time," she scowled.
Everyone blinked.
"You've been ... waiting for us?" Mercuria said.
"Lucifer told me about this AGES ago," replied Oreo. "I've been looking for you guys ever since!"
"Oh."
"Mew!" That was Java.
"All right," said Cherry. "Now that we're all here ... how are we supposed to get to Hell on a bus?"
Omni shrugged.
"I thought we'd go to Greece and find a secret passage using clues from Greek mythology," she said.
"Forgetting that we'd have to CROSS AN OCEAN to do that ..." Oreo began.
"Maybe one of these numerous preeetty shiiiiiny buttons will help us!" Java cried, dashing to the front of the bus. "Oooooh ... what does THIS one do!?"
Before anybody had any time at all to reply, Java pushed the button in question.
It is very, very difficult for any members of the party to describe what happened next. They all agree that the bus shot up into the air, twirled about several times, and began shooting streamers from its headlights, but after that, no one quite remembers. Of the various theories, the one that is generally accepted is that the Blasphemy Bus somehow passed into whatever dimensional trick allows Hell to exist and, having used up all its energy getting there, gave a shuddering sigh and died.
"Where ARE we?" Oreo said, casting a bewildered glance at the red sky outside.
"The bus won't start," K2 announced. "Everybody off, and we'll see if there's a mechanic nearby."
The highway the hellbent group found themselves on was not the nicest any of them had ever seen. Or imagined. In all their wildest dreams. Because this highway was jet black and covered with garbage, Huge fissures ran through it in various places, and a few pools of sulfur bubbled ominously.
"Wow ..."
"Looks like we're not in Kansas anymore!" Omni sang. Java was amused, but no one else was.
"Hey," said Mercuria, pointing, "there's a sign over there. We should go look!"
Mercuria scampered over, picking her way through litter and lava. Everyone else followed; they couldn't think of any better course of action.
The sign in question was huge, and had "HELL: 15 miles" written on it in peeling red letters. Everyone gave a cheer.
"All right!" K2 said happily. "This is terrific! Once we get the bus started, we can drive to Hell-"
BOOM!
"Okay, maybe we'll WALK to Hell."
*******************
Mercuria: To be continued! (Why must I be Omelette, e-mail me, mmkay?)
Disclaimer: This story contains every literary and pop culture reference to Hell that I can think of. I don't own any of them.
**********
Mercuria Stardust, being approximately one-third of the way through her life's journey, was happily drawing pictures of dismembered rabbits in the Dark Wood of Error.
"La la la la la ..."
Then she heard a noise. Mercuria cocked her head to one side, and then to the other side, listening. A sound rather like that of a large vehicle mowing down the underbrush reached her ears.
"Hmm," Mercuria said, "I hear a noise-"
And then the giant red bus came lurching into the clearing.
Mercuria screamed and leapt to the side as it rumbled past her, then blinked in a mixture of awe and confusion as it swerved and stopped in front of her. She could clearly see the words "Blasphemy Bus" printed on the side in gothic black letters.
"..."
For a short time, the bus was absolutely silent. Then it sprung to life as it rocked back and forth in time to several crashes from within.
"No! Put it down!" someone shouted.
'K ... 2 ...?' Mercuria thought.
"B-but K2," a voice whined, "it's not my fault that the gym teachers who plan to take over the world have stolen my socks! They HAVE to pay, naturally."
Mercuria blinked. "Omni?"
"But ... isn't a flamethrower a bit ... much?"
"No."
Mercuria was swiftly becoming frustrated. What was this large bus doing in HER Wood of Error? And if it really WAS Omni and K2 in there, why weren't they coming out to say hello? It was all most insulting.
Mercuria, deciding to take matters into her own hands, strode up to the Blasphemy Bus and rapped sharply on the door. The noise from inside ceased. In approximately 0.306782 seconds, the door burst open and a scowling face appeared.
"MERC!" the owner of said face yelled. "Where have you BEEN? We've been looking all OVER for you!"
"Hey Merc," K2 called from the driver's seat.
"H-hi Omni ..." Mercuria replied. "Hi K2. What's going o-"
"We're going to Hell," Omni said with a smirk.
Mercuria blinked.
"Are HB and that lot finally getting to you?" she said in concern, putting a hand to Omni's forehead. "Hmm, no fever ..."
"No, she's right," K2 said, getting off the Blasphemy Bus. "We've decided to pay Lucifer a visit, and we're all going to Hell."
"Who's we?" Mercuria asked.
Omni and K2 shrugged.
"Everyone we can round up," K2 said.
"Come on, we've got a rendezvous with Java and Cherry in Georgia!" Omni said impatiently.
Mercuria blinked again.
"Wait, what did I just agree to here?" she asked, following Omni and K2 as they reentered the bus.
"A road trip like no other!" Omni grinned.
*************
K2 wasn't sure exactly how Omni had acquired the Blasphemy Bus, but she really didn't want to know.
Within fifteen minutes of leaving Mercuria's wood, the bus was rumbling into Georgia. Mercuria and Omni were engaged in a lively discussion of the obvious homosexuality of various Shakespearean characters, and K2 was trying to figure out how to find Java and Cherry Blossom.
K2 looked at the map, at the road, then back at the map. She stared at it for awhile, turned it upside-down, stared some more, and crumpled it up and tossed it onto the dashboard.
"Omni!" she called.
"And so when he says that, he REALLY means-"
"Omni?"
"Wow, I never thought of it THAT w-"
"OMNI!"
Omni and Mercuria blinked owlishly and looked at K2.
"How may I be of service?" Omni said.
"How did we find Merc?" asked K2. "I'm thinking we could use that method to try to locate Java and Cherry."
Omni thought for a moment.
"Well," she said slowly, "I had the flamethrower-"
"Never mind," K2 said quickly.
Mercuria walked over to K2 and examined the control panel(?).
"Has this thing got GPS?" she inquired.
Omni shrugged, but K2 grinned.
"Good idea!" she said. "Now let's see ..."
Her gaze fell on a big red button labeled, "Global Persecution Satellite".
"Ooh!" Mercuria said. "That works."
"Let's give it a try," Omni suggested.
K2 looked at the button as if she were afraid that it might be some sort of trap.
"All right," she said finally, "I guess it couldn't hurt ..."
K2 hesitantly pushed the button. The bus lurched forward of its own accord and zoomed down the highway, knocking over various road signs and cattle as it went.
"YIKES!" screeched Mercuria, clinging to the back of K2's seat in order to stay on her feet. "What's going on?! Turn it off!"
K2 frantically jabbed at the button, which did absolutely nothing.
"I can't! It's stuck or something!"
Omni giggled hysterically from her seat.
"This ROCKS!" she cried. "Does it go faster?!"
As she said this, the Blasphemy Bus came to an abrupt stop, and Mercuria, Omni, and K2 suddenly found themselves flying into the windshield. They fell to the ground- along with the contents of the bus- and lay still for a moment.
"Any casualties?" K2 muttered from her face-down position on the floor.
Mercuria and Omni mumbled something about tunnels and white light.
"Where do I sign, St. Peter?" Omni groaned.
Mercuria pulled herself to her feet and staggered to the window.
"We're ... outside a cafe ..." she informed her traveling companions.
K2 and Omni limped over to her. Outside was a smallish-looking building bearing the name, "Bob's Cafe".
"Yeah ... it's definitely a cafe," K2 said. "Which begs the question: why?"
"Forty-two!" Omni interjected. Mercuria nodded sagely.
"All right," K2 said, blinking. "That works. Why don't we get down and see what's here? Maybe we can get some fresh pastries or something."
The group emerged from the Blasphemy Bus and into the bright sunlight. K2 hissed slightly and murmured something about sunscreen. Fortunately for her, the three companions quickly entered the cafe and looked around.
The sole occupants of the cafe (aside from an unpleasant-looking man behind the counter who appeared to be the owner) were no less than Java and Cherry Blossom.
"Yes, and that's why I dun' think Christianity is a good choice for me," Java was saying.
"Ah, so THAT was the persecution," Omni observed. "Anti-Christian sentiments."
"Hi guys!" Mercuria cried, waving enthusiastically.
"MERC!" Java cried, pouncing. Mercuria fell to the flood with a thump and lay there.
"Um, Merc?"
"It's not you," K2 assured Java. "It's kinda been one of those days."
"Hey Cherry!" Omni said. "What are you two doing in this obscure cafe in Georgia?"
"What are YOU guys doing in this obscure cafe in Georgia?" Cherry countered.
"Looking for you," Mercuria said from her spot on the floor.
"Hey you!" the man behind the counter barked. "Get up off my floor! I just had it washed!"
Mercuria stood up dizzily and sat down next to Cherry Blossom.
"Looking for us?" Java said interestedly, cocking her head to one side. "Doshite yo?"
"And how did you find us?" asked Cherry.
"We're going to Hell!" Omni announced.
"We found you using a Global Persecution Satellite," K2 told Cherry.
"Persecution?"
"Sometimes it's best not to ask."
"So," Omni said, "how 'bout it? Wanna go visit Lucifer?"
Java and Cherry nodded enthusiastically, grinning broadly. The group boarded the Blasphemy Bus and was off once more.
**************
"Now, let's see ..." K2 said some time later. "Java, Cherry, Merc, Omni, me ... are we missing anybody?"
"What about Oreo?" Java called from the back of the bus.
K2 slapped herself on the forehead.
"Of course!" she cried. "Oreo!"
Mercuria looked at the steering wheel apprehensively.
"Is there a way to find her which does NOT involve the use of the GPS?" she asked.
Fortunately, no one was forced to ponder this, because at that exact moment, Cherry Blossom spotted a figure standing on the side of the road, carrying a sign that read, "TO HELL AND BACK".
"Hey ... I think that's Oreo!" she said.
"Hurrah for deus ex machina!" Omni cried.
K2 slammed down on the brakes and managed to stop the bus several yards in front of the hitchhiker. She opened the doors, and a very cross and dusty Oreo climbed in.
"About time," she scowled.
Everyone blinked.
"You've been ... waiting for us?" Mercuria said.
"Lucifer told me about this AGES ago," replied Oreo. "I've been looking for you guys ever since!"
"Oh."
"Mew!" That was Java.
"All right," said Cherry. "Now that we're all here ... how are we supposed to get to Hell on a bus?"
Omni shrugged.
"I thought we'd go to Greece and find a secret passage using clues from Greek mythology," she said.
"Forgetting that we'd have to CROSS AN OCEAN to do that ..." Oreo began.
"Maybe one of these numerous preeetty shiiiiiny buttons will help us!" Java cried, dashing to the front of the bus. "Oooooh ... what does THIS one do!?"
Before anybody had any time at all to reply, Java pushed the button in question.
It is very, very difficult for any members of the party to describe what happened next. They all agree that the bus shot up into the air, twirled about several times, and began shooting streamers from its headlights, but after that, no one quite remembers. Of the various theories, the one that is generally accepted is that the Blasphemy Bus somehow passed into whatever dimensional trick allows Hell to exist and, having used up all its energy getting there, gave a shuddering sigh and died.
"Where ARE we?" Oreo said, casting a bewildered glance at the red sky outside.
"The bus won't start," K2 announced. "Everybody off, and we'll see if there's a mechanic nearby."
The highway the hellbent group found themselves on was not the nicest any of them had ever seen. Or imagined. In all their wildest dreams. Because this highway was jet black and covered with garbage, Huge fissures ran through it in various places, and a few pools of sulfur bubbled ominously.
"Wow ..."
"Looks like we're not in Kansas anymore!" Omni sang. Java was amused, but no one else was.
"Hey," said Mercuria, pointing, "there's a sign over there. We should go look!"
Mercuria scampered over, picking her way through litter and lava. Everyone else followed; they couldn't think of any better course of action.
The sign in question was huge, and had "HELL: 15 miles" written on it in peeling red letters. Everyone gave a cheer.
"All right!" K2 said happily. "This is terrific! Once we get the bus started, we can drive to Hell-"
BOOM!
"Okay, maybe we'll WALK to Hell."
*******************
Mercuria: To be continued! (Why must I be Omelette, e-mail me, mmkay?)