Mercuria: Okay, okay, I'm promising about three people cameos right about now. Unfortunately, while you may request a cameo, I am afraid that our little tour group is already large enough. Nobody else gets to come to Hell ... sorry gang!
Notes: FINALLY! Dammit, I am SO slow. Um, anyway, some sexual content in this chapter. I don't own Oscar Wilde. And "Durga" is a name for the darker side of the Hindu goddess Parvati.
Disclaimer: "Highway to Hell" is not mine. Nor is anything else, really. I don't even own any of the characters!
*********
"I should have worn better shoes," Cherry Blossom said, sidestepping a decaying possum.
"I'm on the highway to Hell!" Omni sang. "I'm on the highway to H-"
"Are we THERE yet?" Java wanted to know.
"I don't ... think so ..." said K2.
"Unless Hell is really just an endless highway covered with garbage and animal carcasses and liberally dispensed sulfur pools," Omni said brightly. As that idea seemed fairly plausible, everyone grimaced.
"L-let's just keep going," K2 suggested.
"Grrr ..." Oreo growled. "What I'd like to know is WHY Lucifer would invite us over and let us get horribly lost and then-"
"Greeings, travelers," came a voice from behind them. Java shrieked and leapt into the air. Everyone else turned around to see a figure dressed in a black cloak.
"Who the hell are YOU?" squeaked Mercuria.
The figure chuckled.
"How ironic," she said to the audience. "How very ironic ..."
Everyone blinked.
"Who is she talking to, Merc?" Java asked. Mercuria shrugged.
"Er ... I am your guide," the figure said. "I will lead you through the cesspools and decadent city streets of Hell until you reach your ultimate goal."
"Spiritual enlightenment?" suggested Cherry Blossom.
"Rock concerts," the figure replied. Everyone nodded sagely.
After a long period of standing still while the mysterious figure's black cloak swirled mysteriously in the strangely local wind, Oreo finally asked the question that was on everyone's minds.
"So ... are we going, or what?"
The mysterious figure blinked, although you really couldn't see it beneath the hood.
"Er, yes ..." she said. "Yes we are. Follow me ..."
She turned and began to walk off with preternatural speed. Muttering obscenities, Java, Mercuria, Cherry, K2, Omni, and Oreo followed.
**********
"Voila!" the mysterious figure said. "The grand entrance to our glorious city."
Everyone blinked. The Danteans among them were sure there should be a huge stone gate with an ominous message inscribed in it, but they were quite disappointed. The only thing in sight was what looked like a very large, very pink, very dense birthday cake.
"Um ... a giant dessert ..." K2 said, blinking. "Somehow, that doesn't seem very ... hellish."
"Oh, it's hellish. Very," the guide assured her. "Consider the saturated fat."
Everyone gulped.
"Okay, okay, let's go!" Java cried, running forward.
"ME first," the guide snapped, racing ahead of her and reaching the immense confection a good ten seconds before everyone else.
"Now," she muttered, as the six companions waited expectantly, "I always forget where the damn door is ... where the- oh, here we go."
A door seemed to materialize from nowhere, although Cherry Blossom, using her keen observational skills, noticed that their guide had simply pulled a concealed lever. Nevertheless, the door SEEMED to materialize from nowhere, and everyone was duly impressed.
"Abandon all hope ye who enter here," Mercuria grinned as she walked through. She, Omni, and Java shared conspiratorial looks. Oreo grimaced.
'I hope they aren't planning anything ... at least, without including ME,' she thought as the group passed through the giant cake. Blinking, they emerged into the somewhat bright light of Hell.
"Voila!" the guide said with a sweeping gesture. "Our ACTUAL glorious city."
Everyone oohed and ahhed at the cityscape, which looked surprisingly like one of Earth's numerous urban areas. However, as their guide led them closer to the city, the six companions began to notice a few unsettling differences. The air was much smokier than anything they were used to, and many of the stray dogs running through the streets lacked ears, eyes, tails, and- in extreme cases- all four of their legs.
"Hey, check out all the bars!" Omni said enthusiastically as they walked down a street sporting several garishly decorated establishments. "Maybe if we get two guys really really drunk, we can get them to have s-"
"No need!" Mercuria chuckled. "Look over there!"
Everyone followed her gaze to two men who were engaging in a tastefully censored sexual act.
"Ooh!" Java cried. "They DO do that in Hell ... hey, is that Oscar Wilde?"
The mysterious guide tapped her foot impatiently.
"Come along," she said sharply. "We can't get separated; this place is more difficult to navigate than the Bermuda Triangle ... it SPAWNED the Bermuda Triangle."
Meanwhile, K2 was perusing the nearby dingy newsstands.
"Is this a periodical of some sort?" K2 said with great interest, ignoring the mysterious guide completely. "Wow, it is! This is amazing ..."
Pocketing a copy of "The Daily Damned", K2 ran to catch up with Cherry Blossom, who was busy asking a group of demons about the quality of life in Hell.
"And your sewage system really DOES work?" she was saying.
"Oh, yeah," replied one creature. "The cesspools are just for decoration."
"That's enough!" the guide said, glaring at the demons. They quickly dispersed.
"Hey ..." Cherry protested.
"We can't keep Lucifer waiting," the guide said impatiently. "It's already been- oh no!"
"Oh no?" said Oreo. "Oh no what?"
"Where are Omni, Java, and Mercuria?" the guide cried. "I TOLD you not to-"
"Hi!" Mercuria chirped, appearing behind the guide. In her arms she held what looked like a miniature dragon. "Isn't he CUTE? I'm going to name him Durga!"
"Durga" growled and tried to bite Mercuria's hand; she ignored him.
"Where are your two friends?" the guide demanded. Mercuria blinked.
"Um, Java and Omni went off somewhere talking about an all-drag revue show ... or something ..." she said.
"Oh no!" K2 said. "Where are they?! Java! Omni!"
"We have to find them, and quickly," said the guide solemnly. "Lucifer will not be pleased."
"Will you cut it out?!" Oreo snapped. "I don't care if he's not pleased, ya hear?"
"What?! Do you know who you're talking ab-"
"Let's just find Omni and Java," Cherry Blossom said calmly.
***********
Mercuria: How depressing, to have a semi-filler for the second chapter ... more soon, don't worry. And when I say "soon", I mean "before I die".
Next up: Hell's very own Tourist Trap. And some very interesting punishments for the good, the bad, and the so-so alike.
Notes: FINALLY! Dammit, I am SO slow. Um, anyway, some sexual content in this chapter. I don't own Oscar Wilde. And "Durga" is a name for the darker side of the Hindu goddess Parvati.
Disclaimer: "Highway to Hell" is not mine. Nor is anything else, really. I don't even own any of the characters!
*********
"I should have worn better shoes," Cherry Blossom said, sidestepping a decaying possum.
"I'm on the highway to Hell!" Omni sang. "I'm on the highway to H-"
"Are we THERE yet?" Java wanted to know.
"I don't ... think so ..." said K2.
"Unless Hell is really just an endless highway covered with garbage and animal carcasses and liberally dispensed sulfur pools," Omni said brightly. As that idea seemed fairly plausible, everyone grimaced.
"L-let's just keep going," K2 suggested.
"Grrr ..." Oreo growled. "What I'd like to know is WHY Lucifer would invite us over and let us get horribly lost and then-"
"Greeings, travelers," came a voice from behind them. Java shrieked and leapt into the air. Everyone else turned around to see a figure dressed in a black cloak.
"Who the hell are YOU?" squeaked Mercuria.
The figure chuckled.
"How ironic," she said to the audience. "How very ironic ..."
Everyone blinked.
"Who is she talking to, Merc?" Java asked. Mercuria shrugged.
"Er ... I am your guide," the figure said. "I will lead you through the cesspools and decadent city streets of Hell until you reach your ultimate goal."
"Spiritual enlightenment?" suggested Cherry Blossom.
"Rock concerts," the figure replied. Everyone nodded sagely.
After a long period of standing still while the mysterious figure's black cloak swirled mysteriously in the strangely local wind, Oreo finally asked the question that was on everyone's minds.
"So ... are we going, or what?"
The mysterious figure blinked, although you really couldn't see it beneath the hood.
"Er, yes ..." she said. "Yes we are. Follow me ..."
She turned and began to walk off with preternatural speed. Muttering obscenities, Java, Mercuria, Cherry, K2, Omni, and Oreo followed.
**********
"Voila!" the mysterious figure said. "The grand entrance to our glorious city."
Everyone blinked. The Danteans among them were sure there should be a huge stone gate with an ominous message inscribed in it, but they were quite disappointed. The only thing in sight was what looked like a very large, very pink, very dense birthday cake.
"Um ... a giant dessert ..." K2 said, blinking. "Somehow, that doesn't seem very ... hellish."
"Oh, it's hellish. Very," the guide assured her. "Consider the saturated fat."
Everyone gulped.
"Okay, okay, let's go!" Java cried, running forward.
"ME first," the guide snapped, racing ahead of her and reaching the immense confection a good ten seconds before everyone else.
"Now," she muttered, as the six companions waited expectantly, "I always forget where the damn door is ... where the- oh, here we go."
A door seemed to materialize from nowhere, although Cherry Blossom, using her keen observational skills, noticed that their guide had simply pulled a concealed lever. Nevertheless, the door SEEMED to materialize from nowhere, and everyone was duly impressed.
"Abandon all hope ye who enter here," Mercuria grinned as she walked through. She, Omni, and Java shared conspiratorial looks. Oreo grimaced.
'I hope they aren't planning anything ... at least, without including ME,' she thought as the group passed through the giant cake. Blinking, they emerged into the somewhat bright light of Hell.
"Voila!" the guide said with a sweeping gesture. "Our ACTUAL glorious city."
Everyone oohed and ahhed at the cityscape, which looked surprisingly like one of Earth's numerous urban areas. However, as their guide led them closer to the city, the six companions began to notice a few unsettling differences. The air was much smokier than anything they were used to, and many of the stray dogs running through the streets lacked ears, eyes, tails, and- in extreme cases- all four of their legs.
"Hey, check out all the bars!" Omni said enthusiastically as they walked down a street sporting several garishly decorated establishments. "Maybe if we get two guys really really drunk, we can get them to have s-"
"No need!" Mercuria chuckled. "Look over there!"
Everyone followed her gaze to two men who were engaging in a tastefully censored sexual act.
"Ooh!" Java cried. "They DO do that in Hell ... hey, is that Oscar Wilde?"
The mysterious guide tapped her foot impatiently.
"Come along," she said sharply. "We can't get separated; this place is more difficult to navigate than the Bermuda Triangle ... it SPAWNED the Bermuda Triangle."
Meanwhile, K2 was perusing the nearby dingy newsstands.
"Is this a periodical of some sort?" K2 said with great interest, ignoring the mysterious guide completely. "Wow, it is! This is amazing ..."
Pocketing a copy of "The Daily Damned", K2 ran to catch up with Cherry Blossom, who was busy asking a group of demons about the quality of life in Hell.
"And your sewage system really DOES work?" she was saying.
"Oh, yeah," replied one creature. "The cesspools are just for decoration."
"That's enough!" the guide said, glaring at the demons. They quickly dispersed.
"Hey ..." Cherry protested.
"We can't keep Lucifer waiting," the guide said impatiently. "It's already been- oh no!"
"Oh no?" said Oreo. "Oh no what?"
"Where are Omni, Java, and Mercuria?" the guide cried. "I TOLD you not to-"
"Hi!" Mercuria chirped, appearing behind the guide. In her arms she held what looked like a miniature dragon. "Isn't he CUTE? I'm going to name him Durga!"
"Durga" growled and tried to bite Mercuria's hand; she ignored him.
"Where are your two friends?" the guide demanded. Mercuria blinked.
"Um, Java and Omni went off somewhere talking about an all-drag revue show ... or something ..." she said.
"Oh no!" K2 said. "Where are they?! Java! Omni!"
"We have to find them, and quickly," said the guide solemnly. "Lucifer will not be pleased."
"Will you cut it out?!" Oreo snapped. "I don't care if he's not pleased, ya hear?"
"What?! Do you know who you're talking ab-"
"Let's just find Omni and Java," Cherry Blossom said calmly.
***********
Mercuria: How depressing, to have a semi-filler for the second chapter ... more soon, don't worry. And when I say "soon", I mean "before I die".
Next up: Hell's very own Tourist Trap. And some very interesting punishments for the good, the bad, and the so-so alike.