A/N: This ficlet was inspired by a comment Kharessa Bloodroses made in her
Live Journal. I will excerpt the comment in order for you to get the full
context:
"Now I would like to digress briefly to mention my most recent object of hilarity: Haldir of 'Lorien. Haldir is supposed to be a March Warden, guardian, warrior, whatever. In slash fics, his role does not seem to be to guard and protect so much as it is to have sex with anyone who encroaches upon the Golden Wood's borders. Now, I ask you, how much area does poor Haldir have to cover, and how often do people stray by? Is this Galadriel's brilliant idea of a diversionary tactic? Is he such a crappy lover that it's her idea of punishment? Does he have to take a pay cut as compared to the rest of the Ghaladrim since he's getting perks?" - K.B., 3/31/03
***************************************************
Haldir stares at the way sunlight flickers in a most unbecoming manner through the grimy skylights of the talan that houses the Centralized Headquarters of Lothlorien Human Resources Office (CHLHRO, for short). He has pulled a number from the vend-a-tag spooler and grimaces: 7812. The ubiquitous 'they' are now up to 7805. Hopefully, he will not have long to wait. Who knows what may happen while he's away from the Lorien border; orcs may attack or, more likely, errant traveling elves will need his own brand of special direction. Several hours later, as he has just finished reciting the whole of the Ainulindale and Valaquenta to himself, a mousy brown-haired elf pokes his head from a small office and calls Haldir's number.
Haldir languidly moves to the office, hoping to unnerve the bookish elf enough to insure that matters will go all Haldir's way. Seating himself, Haldir begins to relate his problem. Recent paychecks have been less than normal, noting a deduction for something called "CRSC". This confuses and annoys Haldir, as he is only signed up to receive deductions for catastrophic medical and the Valinor West (tm) pension plan. He is certain CHLHRO has confused his account with that of another employee.
The HR elf looks at Haldir's latest paystub and then consults a printout of in-house acronyms. His face colors as he locates the one pertinent to Haldir's complaint. "Well...uhm.... this would be something you agreed to in your contract, as that acronym stands for 'Contract Related Shagging Compensation'."
Haldir's eyebrows rise somewhat quizzically. He knew he should have read all the fine print before signing that damned contract! The HR elf stumbles out of his office and down the hall to a large bank of vertical files, where he takes a moment to readjust his robes while searching for a copy of Haldir's employment contract. After locating it, he returns to his office, locks the door, and places the contract into Haldir's oh so muscular hands.
Haldir thumbs through the pages for a few moments before finding the section he needs. There, under "remuneration and compensation," after a description of the seniority system and base pay, is a small asterisk linked to a footnote. There he reads the following explanation of the CRSC clause:
'... all March Wardens are held subject to Contract Related Shagging Compensation (CRSC). If a March Warden uses his employment position to engage in sexual encounters, those encounters shall be deemed as part of standard compensation package, and will be accredited back to employer at a rate of 2% of standard pay, 5% in instances involving any Princes of Mirkwood.'
Huh, well. Haldir is suddenly deflated, as he was sure this was all a misunderstanding, and had imaged a nice bonus check being turned over to him as he left CHLHRO. Instead, he feels like a dog with its tail between its legs. He also notes a further addendum to the CRSC:
'... March Wardens are exempted from the CRSC charge while on duty if said sexual encounters occur with an employee of CHLHRO....'
Haldir looks up and realizes that the mousy HR elf has been disrobing the entire time he perused the contract. He is now completely naked and perched suggestively atop his desk. Haldir isn't one to refuse an offer, and he really needs to keep as much of his paycheck as possible, as he is still paying off a pair of mithril hair clips he has in layaway at Bergdorf's Lothlorien. Oh well, he could selflessly chalk this up to yet more things he would do in the service of his lord and lady.
One week later
Haldir finds himself back at CHLHRO. Another strange deduction had occurred on his paycheck. Instead of taking a number, he proceeds directly to the office he had visited before, where he finds a certain mousy little HR elf not only very glad to see him, but also tarted up in an outfit resembling those favored by the Prince of Mirkwood.
"Now I would like to digress briefly to mention my most recent object of hilarity: Haldir of 'Lorien. Haldir is supposed to be a March Warden, guardian, warrior, whatever. In slash fics, his role does not seem to be to guard and protect so much as it is to have sex with anyone who encroaches upon the Golden Wood's borders. Now, I ask you, how much area does poor Haldir have to cover, and how often do people stray by? Is this Galadriel's brilliant idea of a diversionary tactic? Is he such a crappy lover that it's her idea of punishment? Does he have to take a pay cut as compared to the rest of the Ghaladrim since he's getting perks?" - K.B., 3/31/03
***************************************************
Haldir stares at the way sunlight flickers in a most unbecoming manner through the grimy skylights of the talan that houses the Centralized Headquarters of Lothlorien Human Resources Office (CHLHRO, for short). He has pulled a number from the vend-a-tag spooler and grimaces: 7812. The ubiquitous 'they' are now up to 7805. Hopefully, he will not have long to wait. Who knows what may happen while he's away from the Lorien border; orcs may attack or, more likely, errant traveling elves will need his own brand of special direction. Several hours later, as he has just finished reciting the whole of the Ainulindale and Valaquenta to himself, a mousy brown-haired elf pokes his head from a small office and calls Haldir's number.
Haldir languidly moves to the office, hoping to unnerve the bookish elf enough to insure that matters will go all Haldir's way. Seating himself, Haldir begins to relate his problem. Recent paychecks have been less than normal, noting a deduction for something called "CRSC". This confuses and annoys Haldir, as he is only signed up to receive deductions for catastrophic medical and the Valinor West (tm) pension plan. He is certain CHLHRO has confused his account with that of another employee.
The HR elf looks at Haldir's latest paystub and then consults a printout of in-house acronyms. His face colors as he locates the one pertinent to Haldir's complaint. "Well...uhm.... this would be something you agreed to in your contract, as that acronym stands for 'Contract Related Shagging Compensation'."
Haldir's eyebrows rise somewhat quizzically. He knew he should have read all the fine print before signing that damned contract! The HR elf stumbles out of his office and down the hall to a large bank of vertical files, where he takes a moment to readjust his robes while searching for a copy of Haldir's employment contract. After locating it, he returns to his office, locks the door, and places the contract into Haldir's oh so muscular hands.
Haldir thumbs through the pages for a few moments before finding the section he needs. There, under "remuneration and compensation," after a description of the seniority system and base pay, is a small asterisk linked to a footnote. There he reads the following explanation of the CRSC clause:
'... all March Wardens are held subject to Contract Related Shagging Compensation (CRSC). If a March Warden uses his employment position to engage in sexual encounters, those encounters shall be deemed as part of standard compensation package, and will be accredited back to employer at a rate of 2% of standard pay, 5% in instances involving any Princes of Mirkwood.'
Huh, well. Haldir is suddenly deflated, as he was sure this was all a misunderstanding, and had imaged a nice bonus check being turned over to him as he left CHLHRO. Instead, he feels like a dog with its tail between its legs. He also notes a further addendum to the CRSC:
'... March Wardens are exempted from the CRSC charge while on duty if said sexual encounters occur with an employee of CHLHRO....'
Haldir looks up and realizes that the mousy HR elf has been disrobing the entire time he perused the contract. He is now completely naked and perched suggestively atop his desk. Haldir isn't one to refuse an offer, and he really needs to keep as much of his paycheck as possible, as he is still paying off a pair of mithril hair clips he has in layaway at Bergdorf's Lothlorien. Oh well, he could selflessly chalk this up to yet more things he would do in the service of his lord and lady.
One week later
Haldir finds himself back at CHLHRO. Another strange deduction had occurred on his paycheck. Instead of taking a number, he proceeds directly to the office he had visited before, where he finds a certain mousy little HR elf not only very glad to see him, but also tarted up in an outfit resembling those favored by the Prince of Mirkwood.