In Loving Memory
The sleek black coffin passes my pew, it's heavily lacquered, gleaming surface reflecting the church lights and distorting the reflection of people's faces. I see my own reflection in the coffin, the tear-stained, miserable mirrored image staring back at me blankly, no longer is there life in those lavender eyes. No longer is there the happiness that could be hidden as easily as it shone.
My heart is empty, I can no longer feel anything, a huge piece leaving the moment he left.
I look at the crinkled, wet program in my hand. It's crème surface seeming to weep the words, 'In Loving Memory of Eriol Hiiragizawa.'
'There is no more reason to cry,' I continue to think to myself. 'You have grieved long enough; it is time to move on.' But for some reason, the tears continue to fall and deep down it still hurts so badly and I can't seem to make it stop.
I sit in the back of the car, bodyguards on either side, looking out the window, trying not to pay attention to their grieving mistress. My mother sits in the front seat with the driver, black veil covering her face, white handkerchief held up to her eyes.
I think of how little she knew him and yet she grieves the way she does. I wonder if she wept for my father when he passed away, or she remained her solid, confident self, putting things aside, saying they are done and nothing could have stopped it. As I see her now, I now she is going through that stage. I see the change in her attitude as she sits up, stopping her tears, the death of my best friend already behind her.
How can she do that?? Just put it all behind her, as if nothing ever happened?? She'll probably expect the same of me, to be just like her, or to be as she wants me to be. She's always wanted so much from me; to be acclaimed, fawned over. To have what she never could have. She wanted me to be something that wasn't me, something that I never wanted to become.
She wanted me to be Nadesico.
But I could not be like her, no matter how hard I tried, I could never be up to her standards. My mother shaped me to be so much like the best friend and cousin she lost, but whenever she looked at me, I could tell that it wasn't right, that I still wasn't who my mother wanted me to be. She never took into account what I wanted, how I wanted to live my life. She just assumed that I wanted what she wanted and for a long time, I did. Then everything changed the moment I met him.
It was Eriol who showed me that being as my mother wished wasn't everything that was important in life. He was the one that wanted me as myself, not as some girl shaped as another.
He wanted me the way I was. He saw me as who I was and who I could be. And yet he left this world so abruptly, I never got to tell him how I felt, or know how he truly felt about me.
With this thought, new tears begin to flow, their origins seemingly endless, the grief of losing him never wanting to go away.
They treat me differently, smile at me with sympathetic smiles, pitying me.
They mind what they say; sometimes stopping in mid-sentence when they realize where the subject could lead.
At times I feel like an outcast, a misfit.
Their stares, their whispers; they treat me as if I have a disease, a virus, something so contagious that if they stay too close they may contract it.
Nobody looks at me the way they used to. But then it makes me think, am I the girl that they all once knew, or am I someone totally different, someone who doesn't seem to care what happens anymore.
The day seems to pass so quickly and all I can think about is him. The fact that he left me; left me to fend for myself, left me without a true friend in sight. Everything that has happened after that day seems to be a blur, only snippets coming back every now and then.
All I can think about is the past, what happened before he passed away. It helps, to think that he's still around, waiting for me at the gate of school, waiting to walk me home or to stop by the coffee shop. Sometimes it even stops the pain to know that he will be waiting, but a terrible feeling when I come out of school and he's not waiting at the gate and I remember.
The realization crashes down on me like a giant weight. Crushing my heart down to it's depths, knowing I will never once again here his voice, never again see his face, never again feel his hand in mine.
The tears can never be stopped when this realization hits, no matter how I try, there is no one around to say, 'It's alright… Don't cry anymore… I'm here for you…'
Even if there was someone around, something deep inside me will never accept those words from another voice. Sometimes I think I hear that voice and yet when I spin around to face him, he's not there, not even a wisp that he could've been. Because he's gone, he's left and I'm all alone.
My mother sits opposite me at the dinner table, watching me as I push the vegetables about the plate. She's angry, I can feel it. She doesn't like to see me like this; she doesn't like upset people in her house. She expects everyone to get over things as quickly as she does, to be abnormal like her. She doesn't understand what he meant to me, doesn't understand how much I relied on him, how much I cared for him. She doesn't understand that losing him was like losing half of me, losing half a heart.
I look up at her calm face, although her eyes scowl.
"Tomoyo-san, he's gone… you need to accept this…"
I shake my head, knowing that I cannot just forget him. Because to forget him was like to forget myself and be what my mother wanted to be.
"He's gone, Tomoyo-san. I wish I could help you get better."
I shake my head again. I don't want to forget, I don't want to start again. I want to go back, back to how it used to be, back to when he was still around for that midnight phone call or afternoon walk when things were down.
"Tomoyo-san. You have to cheer up or things will continue to go backwards and you'll achieve nothing. Nadesico-san was hardly ever upset and whenever she was she'd always look to the bright side and cheer up quickly."
I try to shut out her voice, trying to remember what Eriol had said whenever I confided in him.
"Nadesico-san was always happy, so cheerful, it was infectious."
I shut my eyes tightly, thinking hard on his words trying to shut out her words.
"Why can't you be more like Nadesico-san? She was always so happy, no matter the circumstances."
I can't stand it anymore, her words always hurt, but never before like this. Here she was telling me how to act, how to stand, how to be just like Nadesico. But she didn't understand that I wasn't Nadesico, I was me. She never understood how I felt.
"Tomoyo-san, answer me." She commands.
"Enough!!" I scream, standing up, sending the dishes flying to the floor.
She looks at me, shock crossing her face.
"Okaasan!! I am not Nadesico!! That is why I will never be cheerful and happy the way she was!!!" I scream. "I am not Nadesico and she is not me!! But you never seem to understand that all I want is to be me!! All I want is to be who I am!! All I want is to be the best I can be!! Not the cousin that you have shaped me to be like!! I cannot be Nadesico!! I cannot be who you want!!
"You never wanted me as myself, did you?? You always wanted me to be like her!! He was the only one who wanted me the way I was!! He was the only one who loved me for what I truly was!!
"But you still don't understand!! You never did and never will!!" I scream, watching her face distort in astonishment, "So let me tell you this; you keep asking me to get over it, put it behind you, forget about him. I cannot forget about him, because if I do, I will lose who I was, who I could be and in the end become exactly what you want me to be. I cannot forget him because if I do, I will also forget how much I loved him and how much he loved me!!" she looks at me, her face blank with realization, trying to grasp what I just said.
I can feel the tears as they slide down my cheeks, the emotions which surge out of me. Quickly before I break into large sobs I rush to my room, falling onto my bed, crying for all that it's worth.
Crying because he isn't around, crying because he left me alone, crying because he made me realize what I wanted and crying because I love him.
I've sat in my room for two days, only accepting food and drink from the maid who comes in and places it one the table looking at me oddly since I look the same as the when she entered the room before.
I don't know why I sit here, all alone, not wanting any visitors or anyone to talk to. I feel as if I'm waiting for something or someone.
Something that will clear everything up, something that will fill at least a part of the hole inside me. But I'm sick of waiting day in, day out. I'm sick of just doing nothing. I want to go outside, I want to see the sky, I want to visit him.
My eyes fall to my lap, thinking hard, I would give anything to see him one last time, to hear his voice, to feel his hand resting in mine.
"Tomoyo-san…" my mother's voice comes from the hallway.
I decide not to answer, not wanting to see her face.
"Tomoyo-san, can I come in?"
Still, I refuse to answer and she opens the door, a worried expression creasing her smooth face.
"I didn't mean to disturb you, I didn't come to apologize knowing that you wouldn't want to hear it, but Akizuki-san just dropped this off, she said that it was for you."
She places a wrapped gift on the table, it's oblong shape carefully tied with ribbon. She quickly hurries out of the room, not really knowing what to say to me.
I look at the gift on the table, picking it up; I open it and see a video along with a small box.
I flip the video over in my hands, wondering what it was, wondering if it were one of the ones I had given him of our days out.
After I had debated about watching it for quite a while, I slipped it into the recorder and pressing play before sitting back down.
I waited a moment and then suddenly his face flickered onto the screen.
I gasp in happiness, then also in sadness at the realization that he is gone.
He smiles that normal charming smile that melts my heart and somehow by reflex I smile in return, tears brimming along my eye line.
"Konnichiwa, Tomoyo-chan…" he says, looking at me fondly. His words sound like leaves upon a breeze, like a caress, something that rests upon your soul and makes you feel somehow complete.
"Gomen nasai, I don't have your video-taping skills, so you'll have to excuse the second-grade recording." I could hear an indignant yell of protest from Nakuru who must've been behind the camera. "I can't even begin to imagine how you might feel at this moment or when you found I had passed away. And I can't afford to guess and get you in a bad mood.
"But I will guess this; at one time you were angry with me, most likely because you thought I had left you alone. But I want you to know that I will never leave you alone Tomoyo-chan, I will always be around, you just have to remember.
"Your also probably thinking that to remember hurts too much, and if you don't remember you will forget. There is a way around this." He replied knowledgably, nodding and smiling, probably laughing at his own sense of humor.
I smile, laughing in my private mind about how he can joke even though he regards something so serious.
"You don't have to forget, Tomoyo-chan. You just have to remember happily. Remember all the good times happily and remember, that's all it takes. At first, it may hurt, but after a while, it stops and you can remember without feeling the loss. It'll be hard, but knowing you I'm sure that you'll succeed." He smiled again, wondering how to go on. "There are so many things that I want to say, but I only have a limited amount of space on this tape, and many things just aren't as important than others. So let me say this. I miss you Tomoyo, even now whilst I am making this video, knowing that I will probably never see you again, feel your hand in mine, hear your voice or stare into those lovely deep eyes. But, I know that this was how it was meant to be, this way that things were meant to turn out. It's fate let me just say. Just as fate destined me to meet you and see how life could truly be. I thank-you for that." He smiled tenderly before continuing. "Barrier after barrier you shed away from me and it was odd how I let you, but you showed me just how glorious life could be, that it wasn't just a never ending cycle, year after year, but a wondrous event, ever changing each time around. You showed me how to appreciate every little thing, appreciate everything for what it was worth. Thank-you for showing me that, for being my little pillar when things weren't going right in my life.
"I thoroughly enjoyed our little talks together, those little debates where you always had to get your way.
"I want you to remember something Tomoyo. Be who you are, not who someone else wants you to be. Don't listen to anything that everyone else says about you, just know that there are those who love you and cherish you for the way you are. Never stop believing in yourself. And if you think that nobody wants you for the way you are, forget about them and remember that I love you for who you are, who you will be and how kind you were to me."
He ran a hand through his hair and thought for a moment, seeming to want to say something more.
"There's one more thing, I want to tell you, Tomoyo-san. I wanted to say this before I passed away, but I found it too hard and I also found it hard accept that I could actually feel these kinds of emotions. I… I found it too hard to tell you before because then if you had given me an answer I would find it too hard to leave. So I'll tell you know." He took a deep breath and stared into the camera.
"I…I love you, Tomoyo. More than a friend, more than you could ever imagine. I love you and would give anything to hear your reply but because of the circumstances… well… you know.
"I just wanted to let you know and would be over the moon if you felt the same way. But for now, I'll just have to be content since it was my decision to leave it till so late. There still so much I want to say, but I can't, I'm sure you have a lot of questions, so feel free to ask Nakuru. But for now, I'll have to end this video.
"It's… it's too hard to say sayonnara, so Ja ne, Tenshi-chan…" he said smiling, using their childhood nicknames.
"Ja ne, Neko-kun. Aishiteru" She smiled, remembering how she had called him a cat after the Alice in Wonderland experience.
She walked over to the recorder, about to take it out when she felt someone else in the room.
She looked towards the door but could see no one, she looked over to the window but there was no one in the garden.
Suddenly warmth surrounded her, pulling at her. She could feel a familiar hand gently caress her cheek. "Tenshi-chan…" the breeze seemed to speak. She felt lips against her cheek and in a second the feeling was gone, leaving her in the room, shocked by the experience.
She smiled, realizing that it was his way of saying goodbye.
Her eyes fell down to the little box still unopened on the table and she crossed the room, looking the little box over.
Opening it she found a little golden ring, it's smooth surface shimmering from the sunlight. She took it out of the box and read the words inscribed on the inside.
'Aishiteru, Tenshi-chan.' She smiled slipping it onto her finger before she went out into the sun.
~*~
Tomoyo sat on the lawn, seeing invisible figures of young children of about twelve, playing a game of chase.
The young girl with flowing raven hair trying to catch the serene little boy, a triumphant look of glee on his face.
"Neko!! Matte yo!!" The young girl's voice echoed in her head.
"It wouldn't be chase if I slowed down!!" he reasoned even though he slowed to a jog, letting her catch him.
She watched as she finally caught him, true happiness alighting her features catching his hand and dragging him away, his voice ringing for her to stop pulling him along with such force. She grinned in merriment as she brandished a video camera, the young boy yelling in protest.
"Oi!! Tenshi-chan!!" he said, trying to avoid it's lens, the girl laughing as she ran after him, video camera still in hand.
Tomoyo watched again as the young girl walked him to the gate, waving as he ran along the street, trying to catch the last bus home.
"Matta ashita!!" the young girl called from the gate.
"Matta ashita!!" he yelled in reply, boarding the bus.
Tomoyo smiled as she watched the girl return, a smile on her face, and she remembered the words he had written on the video's label.
'To remember in happiness, not in sadness, Tenshi-chan'
+Owari+