Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs
to J.R.R. Tolkien. I do not own my fellow fic author's either. They own themselves.
Author's Note:
Sorry for the long delay. But better late that never, right? That's good.
Conerning what this has to do with LOTR...
Yes, I have asked that question to myself too. What does this fic have to do with LOTR? Well, the idea of the fic is based on all of fanfiction.net, and the very existance of fanfiction. But the plot, or this story, focuses on LOTR fanfiction. I would suppose that if I had posted this in Original Fiction, people would ask why it isn't in LOTR. I do hope that counts...
Meep!
-Naheka
THE FILE CABINET
"I swear, those two have been digging around in my files again!" I accused, Joe nodding his head in unenthusiastic agreement, "People singing the Oscar Mayer theme song was in another chapter! Those brats, rummaging around in my papers again! Agh!"
"No need to chase after them with knife and pitchfork," said Joe calmly, "...Like you did the other time... when was it?"
"One month, Five weeks, three days, and twelve point nine seconds ago.... Make that thirteen point two."
"Ah."
We stopped at a green post on the corner of a fairly clean and new street. This was Pine Street. Why Joe and I chose to have this address, we will never know. Why someone decided to give it such a bland and unimaginative name such as Pine, no one will ever know. Well, oddly and abnormally, at that very moment, a gigantic black wrecking ball came swinging through like a monkey on a vine, and crushed the green Pine Street sign off its grip on the earth. Joe and I paused in horror. Then, a scrubby three-foot tall construction worker came waddling through and stuck another bright green sign in the corner.
"Pineapple Street?" asked Joe in appall. I noticed that he was quaking in terror, sort of. "Pineapple? That was the name of the bar you threw me into! Now I will be forever haunted by its mocking and ridiculous title!" He turned on me. "It's all your fault!"
I smiled cheerfully up at him. "Isn't it though?"
At this point, the screech of the trolley's axle came into sound and halted right in front of us. The Wraith and I hopped aboard, pockets jingling with cash, awaiting our destination: The Great Cafeteria.
~*~
I was getting sick of Lembas. I winced at the thought of those elvish wafers, and I grimaced when I saw them neatly piled in their usual stall in the near east corner. Nasty elf food. So delicate and petite... so wimpy and plain! Argh! Evil. But, ooh! look! Mordorian food! Today's special: Warg Cakes. Warg Cakes? Warg... Cakes.... Holy Eru that sounded disgusting.
I stood on the spot upon the gleaming marble floors of the Great Cafeteria, eyeing the signs and ads with an uneasy trust. Joe had departed me and left to find some of his Nazgul buds. He sat with them and the surprisingly sane Secretary Gang. The Secretary Gang was merely a title for all of the Secretaries that worked for authors that wrote in the LOTR section. There were several types of gangs that had formed alongside the walls of FFNH. OCs had gangs, secretaries had gangs, and the authors had gangs. In fact, even Miss Fiddlespork, who at the moment was helping herself to a Warg Cake, was part of a group. She and her employee girl-friends went up to the staff room every Wednesday night for poker and a couple beers.
I was amused to find some of my OCs all in separate gangs. All sitting in opposing sections of the cafeteria. NahekaOC was laughing devilishly over a tankard of ale in her group, Notorious. She also happened to be the head of it. C-chanOC, MeganOC, and JackieOC were in tow with her, also sipping from a liquor filled container. Onikunshu was in the corner, lurking in the shadows with a few of his friends, all muttering curses and evil things. I recognized Wethrinaer, another of my OCs in that corner. He was Elenwe's father. He and Onikunshu looked very much alike, and could have passed for twin brothers, but Wethrinaer had hazel eyes, as Onikunshu's were emerald. Both being morbid and sadistic gloomy twits, I had supposed that they would get along quite well. But instead... they were great rivals--no, scratch that-- bad enemies. They were having a sort of showdown at the moment.
"I will do it," muttered Wethrinaer darkly, not taking his glare off Onikunshu's.
"No, I will," the Dragon Lord replied in the same tone. Flames of competition burned.
"It is my duty, and I know him better."
"Your duty? I am the assassin here. You are a fussy palace advisor."
"And you are an uneventful lord of juvenile delinquents."
"I should get to kill him. He has my daughter."
Judging by this line, they were obviously debating about who would be the lucky man to slay the prince of Mirkwood. Both evilly possessed males had an equal right to kill him. Onikunshu had lost his favorite daughter because she fell in love with Legolas, and Wethrinaer lost his only son because he was in love with Onikunshu's favorite daughter, who was in love with Legolas, who was in love with her, which broke Wethrinaer's only son's heart, who fled to Lindon and fell in love with another girl who was in love with another guy, who was in love with another girl, so she fell in love with Wethrinaer's only son, and he loved her.... But the immense tangle of heartstrings was nothing. For I would be the lucky girl to kill him! My evilly ingenious plan is to push the elf off a cliff. The world'll be better off without 'em! Ha! Ha! But I still had to draw the blueprints...
"Why should you care? You killed her."
"And resurrected her."
"You are a freak."
"You are a wimp."
"It is because of him that my son is heartbroken."
"Your son has a girl's name! And you still haven't retorted to my wimp insult."
"I don't care! And your wife had a man's name!"
"I don't have a wife."
"Then who bore your daughter? Now I am unsure if she is even yours!"
"I did!" announced a female voice.
Onikunshu went as white as a ghost as he was knocked the the marble floor with a pounce from another OC of mine. Narcisuss Hebiichizoku held the bounty hunter in her arms, hugging him so tightly as if she were to choke him like a boa constrictor. NahekaOC gasped in horror, jumping back to avoid her father and mother from crashing into her as Onikunshu clawed at the smooth tiles in an attempt to make an escape. Narcisuss and NahekaOC looked very much alike, yet NahekaOC's features were paler, like her father's, thus a difference between the two.
"No-o!" the Dragon lord gasped, acting very much as if he were trying to avoid the grasp of Hell itself, "I don't know who you are, you crazy woman! Go away!"
"Yay!" cheered Narciuss, still hugging Onikunshu lovingly, "I found Oni! You didn't think that you could really escape from me, could you? Of course not! I'll wuv you forever!" Anybody who knew Onikunshu's wicked reputation for murder and terrorism would be in utter shock to hear anyone say that they loved him. But there was a lovely, dramatic, overwhelming story to accompany that.
I would have stuck around to watch the lord and the lady commence the proclamation of their perpetual, undying love, and their desperate tries to get away from each other, but I had already seen them shout and jump in my office. It was quite entertaining, really. But the tray of udon noodles was getting cold in my hands, and I heard my name being called from behind me.
"Hey, Naheka!" I turned around and found some of my fellow fic authors heading out of the cafeteria with food in their hands. Amarth and a few others were waving a free hand at me. I cautiously sped over to them, wary of any soup dripping over the edges of my styrofoam bowl.
"We're getting out of the chaos," said Newmoon, one of the girls in the group. She and I had a mutual love for Celt music. I was about to say that everything here at FFNH was chaos, but then NahekaOC ran screaming hysterically out of the cafeteria, flanked by her three OC friends, then Elenwe demanding that she stop sprinting, Wethrinaer chasing him, Onikunshu ready to strangle him, Narcisuss ready to glomp him, and finally the worn out security guards.
"Let's leave!" whispered Amarth, leading us out of the cafeteria and into the gardens. I soon surpassed her in attempt to evade the weary eyes of the guards. If they caught me, that would be my five-hundreth twenty-eighth case of Peace Disturbing this... week. Great Varda, I was in trouble.
~*~
"So they're actually... entertaining?" Newmoon inquired as we took a turn down a street away from the cafeteria.
I nodded in reply and said: "Yes, but only if they're doing it in a secluded area, like my office."
"...But wouldn't that kinda' disturb you during your work? And trash your office?"
"Sadly and inevibitaly, yes."
"Oh."
We decided to eat in the East Garden. They had decent tables there, of course, surrounded by natural, petite flowers and trees and such and such. A tranquil lake sat in its motionless puddle on the earth, occasionally rippling with the touch of a dragonfly's toe. A long, stone table was empty, yet occupied by the fallen cherry blossom petals. It was perpetually Spring in the East Garden. Aside from cherry blossoms, the wispy pricks of grass were greener than NahekaOC's eyes, and the sky was like a single blue pastel stroke upon parchment. There was a mockingbird in another tree, piping its tune for all to hear.
I had read that it was "a sin to kill a mockingbird" in Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird, but as I snapped my wooden chopsticks apart in preparation to feast on my Asian food, I was beginning to get sick of all of the utter happiness. It irked me. It was so perfect. It irked me. Good, great, Manwe it irked me.
"You are very lucky not to have ten OCs running around, creating destruction," I muttered monotonously to my friends. Amarth sighed.
"Well at least none of your OCs are whiny paranoid freakachoos," she replied in the same tone. "Hini, I'm afraid, is overly concerned with the hobbits. Everything he says has an exclamation point attached to it."
"And you get entertainment in your office," added Newmoon cheerfully.
"Yes, for five seconds it's entertainment," said I, "But after that, one may have the sudden urge to jump under their desk and hide."
"Then that means they aren't boring!"
Well, that was true. One could not deny the fact that every story that I had written with an OC in it had a tremendous reputation for quests, trials, romance, and parodic chases. It was fun writing stories. I was safe from the OCs behind that thick glass wall. But out in the open... I could smell the very putrid fingers of fanfiction hell clinging at my ankle. Very much like Onikunshu and Narcisuss.
Lunch went on peacefully after that, even if I really did want to take that singing mockingbird by the throat and... you know the violent drill. We caught snidgets of elvish singing in the background, (which faintly sounded like "Come back to the valley! Tra-la-la-la-lally!") and we saw the random rampaging orc herd trample through too! I believe Ugluk was in the lead, tagged by Lurtz, and they were leading their uneducated and unorganized mob after three girls bearing a flashing scarlet banner reading: "BOROMIR LIVES". After five minutes of disturbed staring, and a faint cough from Newmoon, NahekaOC was found chasing Falastur, a.k.a.- The Teleri Boy. She wielded an ax that uncannily looked like Gimli's ax. Scary.
"That was... an unboring lunch," said Newmoon as we picked up our leftover food and trash to dump them in the garbage bin. The disgusting flies and gruel hanging from the edges was an abhorrent contrast to the layout of the East Garden. "I'll see you guys later on!"
We all went in three separate directions, Newmoon and Amarth probably off to their streets with the better and more original names. But I went west to my new street sign, Pineapple Street. Joe awaited me there, once again in routine, but this time grumbling irately about why they named roads after fruits.
Author's Note:
Sorry for the long delay. But better late that never, right? That's good.
Conerning what this has to do with LOTR...
Yes, I have asked that question to myself too. What does this fic have to do with LOTR? Well, the idea of the fic is based on all of fanfiction.net, and the very existance of fanfiction. But the plot, or this story, focuses on LOTR fanfiction. I would suppose that if I had posted this in Original Fiction, people would ask why it isn't in LOTR. I do hope that counts...
Meep!
-Naheka
THE FILE CABINET
"I swear, those two have been digging around in my files again!" I accused, Joe nodding his head in unenthusiastic agreement, "People singing the Oscar Mayer theme song was in another chapter! Those brats, rummaging around in my papers again! Agh!"
"No need to chase after them with knife and pitchfork," said Joe calmly, "...Like you did the other time... when was it?"
"One month, Five weeks, three days, and twelve point nine seconds ago.... Make that thirteen point two."
"Ah."
We stopped at a green post on the corner of a fairly clean and new street. This was Pine Street. Why Joe and I chose to have this address, we will never know. Why someone decided to give it such a bland and unimaginative name such as Pine, no one will ever know. Well, oddly and abnormally, at that very moment, a gigantic black wrecking ball came swinging through like a monkey on a vine, and crushed the green Pine Street sign off its grip on the earth. Joe and I paused in horror. Then, a scrubby three-foot tall construction worker came waddling through and stuck another bright green sign in the corner.
"Pineapple Street?" asked Joe in appall. I noticed that he was quaking in terror, sort of. "Pineapple? That was the name of the bar you threw me into! Now I will be forever haunted by its mocking and ridiculous title!" He turned on me. "It's all your fault!"
I smiled cheerfully up at him. "Isn't it though?"
At this point, the screech of the trolley's axle came into sound and halted right in front of us. The Wraith and I hopped aboard, pockets jingling with cash, awaiting our destination: The Great Cafeteria.
~*~
I was getting sick of Lembas. I winced at the thought of those elvish wafers, and I grimaced when I saw them neatly piled in their usual stall in the near east corner. Nasty elf food. So delicate and petite... so wimpy and plain! Argh! Evil. But, ooh! look! Mordorian food! Today's special: Warg Cakes. Warg Cakes? Warg... Cakes.... Holy Eru that sounded disgusting.
I stood on the spot upon the gleaming marble floors of the Great Cafeteria, eyeing the signs and ads with an uneasy trust. Joe had departed me and left to find some of his Nazgul buds. He sat with them and the surprisingly sane Secretary Gang. The Secretary Gang was merely a title for all of the Secretaries that worked for authors that wrote in the LOTR section. There were several types of gangs that had formed alongside the walls of FFNH. OCs had gangs, secretaries had gangs, and the authors had gangs. In fact, even Miss Fiddlespork, who at the moment was helping herself to a Warg Cake, was part of a group. She and her employee girl-friends went up to the staff room every Wednesday night for poker and a couple beers.
I was amused to find some of my OCs all in separate gangs. All sitting in opposing sections of the cafeteria. NahekaOC was laughing devilishly over a tankard of ale in her group, Notorious. She also happened to be the head of it. C-chanOC, MeganOC, and JackieOC were in tow with her, also sipping from a liquor filled container. Onikunshu was in the corner, lurking in the shadows with a few of his friends, all muttering curses and evil things. I recognized Wethrinaer, another of my OCs in that corner. He was Elenwe's father. He and Onikunshu looked very much alike, and could have passed for twin brothers, but Wethrinaer had hazel eyes, as Onikunshu's were emerald. Both being morbid and sadistic gloomy twits, I had supposed that they would get along quite well. But instead... they were great rivals--no, scratch that-- bad enemies. They were having a sort of showdown at the moment.
"I will do it," muttered Wethrinaer darkly, not taking his glare off Onikunshu's.
"No, I will," the Dragon Lord replied in the same tone. Flames of competition burned.
"It is my duty, and I know him better."
"Your duty? I am the assassin here. You are a fussy palace advisor."
"And you are an uneventful lord of juvenile delinquents."
"I should get to kill him. He has my daughter."
Judging by this line, they were obviously debating about who would be the lucky man to slay the prince of Mirkwood. Both evilly possessed males had an equal right to kill him. Onikunshu had lost his favorite daughter because she fell in love with Legolas, and Wethrinaer lost his only son because he was in love with Onikunshu's favorite daughter, who was in love with Legolas, who was in love with her, which broke Wethrinaer's only son's heart, who fled to Lindon and fell in love with another girl who was in love with another guy, who was in love with another girl, so she fell in love with Wethrinaer's only son, and he loved her.... But the immense tangle of heartstrings was nothing. For I would be the lucky girl to kill him! My evilly ingenious plan is to push the elf off a cliff. The world'll be better off without 'em! Ha! Ha! But I still had to draw the blueprints...
"Why should you care? You killed her."
"And resurrected her."
"You are a freak."
"You are a wimp."
"It is because of him that my son is heartbroken."
"Your son has a girl's name! And you still haven't retorted to my wimp insult."
"I don't care! And your wife had a man's name!"
"I don't have a wife."
"Then who bore your daughter? Now I am unsure if she is even yours!"
"I did!" announced a female voice.
Onikunshu went as white as a ghost as he was knocked the the marble floor with a pounce from another OC of mine. Narcisuss Hebiichizoku held the bounty hunter in her arms, hugging him so tightly as if she were to choke him like a boa constrictor. NahekaOC gasped in horror, jumping back to avoid her father and mother from crashing into her as Onikunshu clawed at the smooth tiles in an attempt to make an escape. Narcisuss and NahekaOC looked very much alike, yet NahekaOC's features were paler, like her father's, thus a difference between the two.
"No-o!" the Dragon lord gasped, acting very much as if he were trying to avoid the grasp of Hell itself, "I don't know who you are, you crazy woman! Go away!"
"Yay!" cheered Narciuss, still hugging Onikunshu lovingly, "I found Oni! You didn't think that you could really escape from me, could you? Of course not! I'll wuv you forever!" Anybody who knew Onikunshu's wicked reputation for murder and terrorism would be in utter shock to hear anyone say that they loved him. But there was a lovely, dramatic, overwhelming story to accompany that.
I would have stuck around to watch the lord and the lady commence the proclamation of their perpetual, undying love, and their desperate tries to get away from each other, but I had already seen them shout and jump in my office. It was quite entertaining, really. But the tray of udon noodles was getting cold in my hands, and I heard my name being called from behind me.
"Hey, Naheka!" I turned around and found some of my fellow fic authors heading out of the cafeteria with food in their hands. Amarth and a few others were waving a free hand at me. I cautiously sped over to them, wary of any soup dripping over the edges of my styrofoam bowl.
"We're getting out of the chaos," said Newmoon, one of the girls in the group. She and I had a mutual love for Celt music. I was about to say that everything here at FFNH was chaos, but then NahekaOC ran screaming hysterically out of the cafeteria, flanked by her three OC friends, then Elenwe demanding that she stop sprinting, Wethrinaer chasing him, Onikunshu ready to strangle him, Narcisuss ready to glomp him, and finally the worn out security guards.
"Let's leave!" whispered Amarth, leading us out of the cafeteria and into the gardens. I soon surpassed her in attempt to evade the weary eyes of the guards. If they caught me, that would be my five-hundreth twenty-eighth case of Peace Disturbing this... week. Great Varda, I was in trouble.
~*~
"So they're actually... entertaining?" Newmoon inquired as we took a turn down a street away from the cafeteria.
I nodded in reply and said: "Yes, but only if they're doing it in a secluded area, like my office."
"...But wouldn't that kinda' disturb you during your work? And trash your office?"
"Sadly and inevibitaly, yes."
"Oh."
We decided to eat in the East Garden. They had decent tables there, of course, surrounded by natural, petite flowers and trees and such and such. A tranquil lake sat in its motionless puddle on the earth, occasionally rippling with the touch of a dragonfly's toe. A long, stone table was empty, yet occupied by the fallen cherry blossom petals. It was perpetually Spring in the East Garden. Aside from cherry blossoms, the wispy pricks of grass were greener than NahekaOC's eyes, and the sky was like a single blue pastel stroke upon parchment. There was a mockingbird in another tree, piping its tune for all to hear.
I had read that it was "a sin to kill a mockingbird" in Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird, but as I snapped my wooden chopsticks apart in preparation to feast on my Asian food, I was beginning to get sick of all of the utter happiness. It irked me. It was so perfect. It irked me. Good, great, Manwe it irked me.
"You are very lucky not to have ten OCs running around, creating destruction," I muttered monotonously to my friends. Amarth sighed.
"Well at least none of your OCs are whiny paranoid freakachoos," she replied in the same tone. "Hini, I'm afraid, is overly concerned with the hobbits. Everything he says has an exclamation point attached to it."
"And you get entertainment in your office," added Newmoon cheerfully.
"Yes, for five seconds it's entertainment," said I, "But after that, one may have the sudden urge to jump under their desk and hide."
"Then that means they aren't boring!"
Well, that was true. One could not deny the fact that every story that I had written with an OC in it had a tremendous reputation for quests, trials, romance, and parodic chases. It was fun writing stories. I was safe from the OCs behind that thick glass wall. But out in the open... I could smell the very putrid fingers of fanfiction hell clinging at my ankle. Very much like Onikunshu and Narcisuss.
Lunch went on peacefully after that, even if I really did want to take that singing mockingbird by the throat and... you know the violent drill. We caught snidgets of elvish singing in the background, (which faintly sounded like "Come back to the valley! Tra-la-la-la-lally!") and we saw the random rampaging orc herd trample through too! I believe Ugluk was in the lead, tagged by Lurtz, and they were leading their uneducated and unorganized mob after three girls bearing a flashing scarlet banner reading: "BOROMIR LIVES". After five minutes of disturbed staring, and a faint cough from Newmoon, NahekaOC was found chasing Falastur, a.k.a.- The Teleri Boy. She wielded an ax that uncannily looked like Gimli's ax. Scary.
"That was... an unboring lunch," said Newmoon as we picked up our leftover food and trash to dump them in the garbage bin. The disgusting flies and gruel hanging from the edges was an abhorrent contrast to the layout of the East Garden. "I'll see you guys later on!"
We all went in three separate directions, Newmoon and Amarth probably off to their streets with the better and more original names. But I went west to my new street sign, Pineapple Street. Joe awaited me there, once again in routine, but this time grumbling irately about why they named roads after fruits.