Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to JRR
Tolkien. All authors used with their permission.
Author's NoteS:
1. Surprise! Early chapter! I'm pretty busy this weekend, so I finished this one double quick! Hooray. Hooray.
2. Chaos-chan is holding a simple writing contest. Who can write the most MarySueish Mary-Sue? Contact Chaos-chan at chaoschan@hawaii.rr.com for details.
THE FILE CABINET
"I'll see you pitiful mortals some time later!" Naurglahad had called to us before she took the form of a dark auburn dragon, and rocketed out of sight before anyone could blink. She headed east, probably off to find Onikunshu and co. In that moment, I had hoped that she would return with reinforcements. But knowing the treachery that lies in the hearts of most bounty hunters... Naurglahad might as well have taken a three-month vacation to Tahiti.
"Yeah!" agreed Blue. He and his fellow outlaws were now mounting horses that seemed to have popped out of nowhere.
"See ya' 'round!" hollered Jack. Then, all three of them raced off into the west. Phantom's jaw dropped as she watched Ted give a final wave.
Ember took a deep breath. "...Elves are fast runners!" Elenmir nodded as Ember put a hand on Wisdom's shoulder. "And so is our mortal cleric here! ...Namaarie!" The look of betrayal came to the faces of Kitty and Penelope.
We had been abandoned... with a massively evil monster--I mean-- Mary-Sue (same thing, really) ready to charge out of the forest and gore us to death with its... er... pink, feminine hair clips of death... Okay, then stomp us to death with its towering platform shoes. Yeah.
"This is not good," said Newmoon, shuddering slightly with every pace of the Mary-Sue's step. We could feel the god-like ripple of every one of her motions, naturally connecting to nature and harmony. We were all frozen in utter terror and fear.
"We're supposed to run..." hissed Phantom, her right foot trembling to start moving.
I inhaled deeply, but I did not exhale. "On the count of three.... one... two..."
BOOM!
"THREE!"
All seven of us sprinted as fast as we could, the fear pounding in our hearts like wind to our feet. It kept us running, faster and faster. And I, if I do say so myself, am a very fast runner. So now that there was actually something chasing me, I was running faster than anytime I had ran in my whole life. It was a marvelous feeling, but not too pleasant. The shadow trailing gracefully behind us (in all of its Mary-Sue pride) kept us running.
"Is there a bright side to this?" asked Coffeegirl hopefully, speeding in line with Amarth and Kitty.
"Well..." I said, trying to release my fears by going into reminisce. "I had always wanted to be chased by an angry Nazgûl with a Morgûl blade..."
"Why didn't you just ask Joe?" inquired Penelope.
"Watch out for the hill!"
We all might have tripped and toppled down the hill if Amarth hadn't pointed it out. But with a last-minute leap, we took high into the air, and landed with a stumble on the rolling grass. Newmoon pointed to a large tree that looked simple enough for us to climb. Its thick, low branches were stable enough, and one by one, we climbed into the safety of its very leafy arms. Only the sound of seven authors panting reached my ears.
"The only way to get Joe to chase someone around like that," I explained, panting simultaneously, wiping sweat from my brow, "is to toss one of his blueberry cream pies out a window. And Joe's pies... Oh Eru, it is a pure sin to waste one of those." After a few seconds, Coffeegirl had prodded me in the shoulder to tap me back into senses. Then, I realized I was drooling.
As she handed me a handkerchief, Phantom's eyes narrowed.
"I hear something," she muttered. With smooth movements that could have easily passed for a Gollum-impersonation, Phantom crawled into the lower branches, and poked her head through the leaves. The remaining six writers, (including myself) leaned towards her in anticipation of what she would say when she had returned.
"Naheka!" she said suddenly. "It's Onikunshu!"
I almost fell out of the tree completely as I bounded from my seat in a narrow crook of the tree. Grasping onto some weaker branches, I hollered down at the tall, dark-haired man that stood looking into the leaves with a mellow look of amusement on his face.
"Onikunshu!" I hollered loudly. "Summon yer almighty clan members and kick that Mary-Sue's sad, forbidden, pathetic a---"
"How many?" the Dragon-lord interrupted, brushing away my cussing with a wave of his pale hand.
"About a thousand or so!" called Amarth from inside the tree.
"Let me think about that..." Onikunshu put a hand to his chin as he crossed one arm over his chest, shifting his weight on his right. "Hmm... ah... no."
"What?!" Newmoon and Kitty caught my sleeve before I could totally fall out. I was jumping up and down madly. "How dare you! I oughta' sic Narcissus on you!"
"Too late." He pointed to a silver shackle on his left foot. The thick, long chain led out of my vision. "She already caught me!" He lifted up the chain. "Strangled and strapped in... two seconds! Do you have any idea how badly that defies all logic and knowledge of Ryunarasu?" Out of his pocket came a dark yellow scroll of parchment. "It's listed here in the Scroll of Parathemé." He read out a passage near the middle of the scroll once he had unrolled it. "'No Mortal shall tame or defeat an opposing, non-related Ryunarasu in a strict time span of five seconds or less'!"
"Why are you carrying that thing around anyway?"
"You invented it! You should know!"
Suddenly, he was yanked flat onto the earth, the silver chain ringing as he fell.
"You're on my murder list!" were the last few words he shouted at me before he was dragged away. "I hope you know that!"
"Aw, Oni!" cried Narcissus' voice out of nowhere. "That's the sixty-second person you've added to your list today!"
"Sixty-third, I'll correct you."
"It doesn't matter."
"Yes it does. I am a king of assassins. Don't tell me my murder lists don't matter!"
After that, they started babbling and sort of arguing about how important Onikunshu's murder lists were, and how unimportant they were in comparison to other things in nature. Flowers, for example. (We could hear his voice shrieking, "EVIL PETITE FLOWERS OF THE WIMPY FIELDS! BURN THEM ALL DOWN!!!") I could feel the awkward stares from my fellow authors pressing on my back as I searched for other sources of help. The presence of the stares maddened me slightly. It was like Edgar Allan Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart*.
"Okay!" I exclaimed, finally turning around to face them. "So he's a bit psychotic too! But aren't we all?!"
But then I discovered... that it was not the gaze of my companions that were upon me.... I can recall the moment ever so clearly. The eyes, huge, big, blue, round, shiny, perty-ful**, and... stuff! The pale skin was stretched perfectly over a perfectly shaped face. And the texture of the skin! Smooth. White and creamy. Pale not like death, as were some of my characters, but pale like the fairness... of stars! Evil stars that glared down upon me from their sockets in the eyes of mighty Varda herself. Varda I had admired, but the pure light of the elves... oh Manwë, I was so frightened. It glowed in her features like... like radioactive nuclear waste in the process of being launched to the Sun at a five-billion point nine velocity, using the energy of a thousand volts of lightning, hurling through the many galaxies (even if the Sun is in our galaxy) only so that it may be devoured by the massive gap of gravity!... with many glowing lighsticks attached to it!
Oh! I also jumped out of the tree screaming for my life.
~*~
I found everyone in my office after I had searched the campus. Phantom and Amarth were near Joe's desk, chatting quietly and darkly about something serious. Kitty, Newmoon, Coffeegirl, and Penelope had found the deck of abandoned playing cards under my desk, and were currently playing "War", the endless cardgame resembling advantage and conquering... and defeat. Kitty frowned as Newmoon tossed an Ace on top of the pile. I sighed.
Using my eyes would not help me to identify the other guests in my office. There were new voices coming from different parts of the file cabinet. Thus, only my ears could help me find newcomers. Oh, and my sense of touch helped too, because some few blinks after that, a drawer burst open and I found myself in a tight head-lock from Naurglahad. She was grinning evilly at me, fingering a light green grape in her hand.
"AIEE!" I shrieked, pointing at the grape. "HEALTHY FOOD STUFFS IN MY OFFICE! HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING? NOOOOOOO!!!"
Naurglahad smacked my head to prevent me from going totally hysterical. "No time to whine," she said calmly. She took a seat in my chair behind my desk. "The Mary-Sues," at this point, she popped the grape into her mouth. I paled. Forbidden nutrition... "Are beginning to populate FFNH. We can't stand here like this. It's not like too many of them listen to Creative Critique either!"
She jumped out of the chair and took swift strides to the Fiction Dome. Pressing a random button on the keyboard, she called into the speaker microphone, "Wisdom! Ember! Get out here! And you too, Elenmir!" The two elves and mortal stumbled out of the Fiction Dome. "Jack! Blue! Ted! Out here, double-time!" Jack trudged out the doorway, as if he did not enjoy tolerating orders from a nagging female. But he kept his mouth shut and led his fellow outlaws out of the Fiction Dome.
"Let's see..." Her emerald green eyes scanned all six OC's. "Ah. Ari! Kallo! Where are you?"
"Argh. She called me Kallo! You're getting everyone on to calling me that! Why?"
"I don't know. Just because I love you."
Naurglahad took no hesitation in sticking a knife up to Ari's face. "I don't want the sappy stuff." Ari paled slightly. She was one of Kitty's OCs. Ari, or Arlotiel, had blue eyes, but red hair, perfectly good enough to avoid the Mary-Sue blonde hair. And Kallo, Morikallo, really, was a guard of Rivendell with dark hair and brown eyes. As their story proceeded***, Morikallo was sent to Rivendell by Elrond, where Ari attacked him (well, actually kinda' accidentally fell on him... she thought she killed him, though). Even though these two were quite the opposite in personalities, Morikallo was dark as Ari was very happy, they would eventually fall in love, as Kitty has predicted and announced to readers.
"No sappy stuff!" Naurglahad repeated, twirling her knife and sheathing it back into her scabbard. "I'm feeling anti-romance at the moment."
Everyone's eyes immediately averted to Onikunshu in expectation for him to say something like: "I'm always anti-romance. You inherit it from me!" But instead, he kept staring down at the silver chain still wrapped around his ankle. We flinched as his dark green eyes turned up to Morikallo. "You see this?" He pointed down at the chain sternly. Morikallo nodded. "This is going to be you in twenty years after you and that she-elf get together. Watch your back."
"Yeah, yeah," grumbled Naurglahad, waving her father's warning aside with her hand. "Whatever." She rubbed her left temple with her left index and middle fingers. "We have a serious problem here. The Mary-Sue's are on the rampage. And sadly, I don't think my sniper gun is going to be enough to take them all out."
"Evil reincarnation powers..." muttered Newmoon.
"Right." She began pacing around the room. "Now... I agree with Amarth. This really could be a setup."
"It's a trap," said Penelope. "It must be."
"We almost got killed when we went searching for it... right after the telephone!" She slammed her hand on Joe's desk, causing a few of his papers to fly off and flutter to the green carpet. "This isn't right."
"No," muttered Jack. "Of course it's not right."
"A pretty clever monster we have here," said Blue, crossing his arms.
"Very clever," agreed Coffeegirl.
"But not clever enough to outsmart any Ryunarasu, I should say," shot Onikunshu suddenly. He blinked as his eyes widened. "Holy Sirwe***! I just contributed to the conversation! That's not right!" He yanked open a drawer of the file cabinet and stepped in, completely falling into its fictional abyss of storage space. He vanished.
"We need alliances," continued Naruglahad. "We need our own support group. We could not be the only ones that have seen the flyer!"
"So it all boils down..." started Phantom.
"To either get to that clue," I concluded. "Or take action now!"
*Great freaky story. Edgar Allan Poe creeps me out a bit though...
**"pretty-ful"
***Read Kitty's fic: Love Never Fails
**** Sirwe- Ryunarasu deity. See my site: http://naheka.tripod.com/
It's my birthday on Monday! I finally get to turn thirteen! I've been wanting to be an official teenager for... a really really long time! YES! And now, because I'd feel uncomfortable posting an actual individual fic, I'll do my little parody right here.
CONVERSATION SECTION #1: THE BIRTHDAY PARODY
Naheka: Yay! I get to turn thirteen!
Naurglahad: You mean that all this time, I've been ordered around by a wimpy twelve-year old?!!
Naheka: I'm not wimpy! (mutters) Just sensitive...
Naurglahad: You wuss.
Naheka: SHUT UP!
Naurglahad: We should all shut up!
Everyone: ...(silence)
Naheka: Thanks, OC! You just killed my birthday parody!
Naurglahad: You're welcome!
Naheka: (smacks her forehead)
Naurglahad: Anytime!
END
Author's NoteS:
1. Surprise! Early chapter! I'm pretty busy this weekend, so I finished this one double quick! Hooray. Hooray.
2. Chaos-chan is holding a simple writing contest. Who can write the most MarySueish Mary-Sue? Contact Chaos-chan at chaoschan@hawaii.rr.com for details.
THE FILE CABINET
"I'll see you pitiful mortals some time later!" Naurglahad had called to us before she took the form of a dark auburn dragon, and rocketed out of sight before anyone could blink. She headed east, probably off to find Onikunshu and co. In that moment, I had hoped that she would return with reinforcements. But knowing the treachery that lies in the hearts of most bounty hunters... Naurglahad might as well have taken a three-month vacation to Tahiti.
"Yeah!" agreed Blue. He and his fellow outlaws were now mounting horses that seemed to have popped out of nowhere.
"See ya' 'round!" hollered Jack. Then, all three of them raced off into the west. Phantom's jaw dropped as she watched Ted give a final wave.
Ember took a deep breath. "...Elves are fast runners!" Elenmir nodded as Ember put a hand on Wisdom's shoulder. "And so is our mortal cleric here! ...Namaarie!" The look of betrayal came to the faces of Kitty and Penelope.
We had been abandoned... with a massively evil monster--I mean-- Mary-Sue (same thing, really) ready to charge out of the forest and gore us to death with its... er... pink, feminine hair clips of death... Okay, then stomp us to death with its towering platform shoes. Yeah.
"This is not good," said Newmoon, shuddering slightly with every pace of the Mary-Sue's step. We could feel the god-like ripple of every one of her motions, naturally connecting to nature and harmony. We were all frozen in utter terror and fear.
"We're supposed to run..." hissed Phantom, her right foot trembling to start moving.
I inhaled deeply, but I did not exhale. "On the count of three.... one... two..."
BOOM!
"THREE!"
All seven of us sprinted as fast as we could, the fear pounding in our hearts like wind to our feet. It kept us running, faster and faster. And I, if I do say so myself, am a very fast runner. So now that there was actually something chasing me, I was running faster than anytime I had ran in my whole life. It was a marvelous feeling, but not too pleasant. The shadow trailing gracefully behind us (in all of its Mary-Sue pride) kept us running.
"Is there a bright side to this?" asked Coffeegirl hopefully, speeding in line with Amarth and Kitty.
"Well..." I said, trying to release my fears by going into reminisce. "I had always wanted to be chased by an angry Nazgûl with a Morgûl blade..."
"Why didn't you just ask Joe?" inquired Penelope.
"Watch out for the hill!"
We all might have tripped and toppled down the hill if Amarth hadn't pointed it out. But with a last-minute leap, we took high into the air, and landed with a stumble on the rolling grass. Newmoon pointed to a large tree that looked simple enough for us to climb. Its thick, low branches were stable enough, and one by one, we climbed into the safety of its very leafy arms. Only the sound of seven authors panting reached my ears.
"The only way to get Joe to chase someone around like that," I explained, panting simultaneously, wiping sweat from my brow, "is to toss one of his blueberry cream pies out a window. And Joe's pies... Oh Eru, it is a pure sin to waste one of those." After a few seconds, Coffeegirl had prodded me in the shoulder to tap me back into senses. Then, I realized I was drooling.
As she handed me a handkerchief, Phantom's eyes narrowed.
"I hear something," she muttered. With smooth movements that could have easily passed for a Gollum-impersonation, Phantom crawled into the lower branches, and poked her head through the leaves. The remaining six writers, (including myself) leaned towards her in anticipation of what she would say when she had returned.
"Naheka!" she said suddenly. "It's Onikunshu!"
I almost fell out of the tree completely as I bounded from my seat in a narrow crook of the tree. Grasping onto some weaker branches, I hollered down at the tall, dark-haired man that stood looking into the leaves with a mellow look of amusement on his face.
"Onikunshu!" I hollered loudly. "Summon yer almighty clan members and kick that Mary-Sue's sad, forbidden, pathetic a---"
"How many?" the Dragon-lord interrupted, brushing away my cussing with a wave of his pale hand.
"About a thousand or so!" called Amarth from inside the tree.
"Let me think about that..." Onikunshu put a hand to his chin as he crossed one arm over his chest, shifting his weight on his right. "Hmm... ah... no."
"What?!" Newmoon and Kitty caught my sleeve before I could totally fall out. I was jumping up and down madly. "How dare you! I oughta' sic Narcissus on you!"
"Too late." He pointed to a silver shackle on his left foot. The thick, long chain led out of my vision. "She already caught me!" He lifted up the chain. "Strangled and strapped in... two seconds! Do you have any idea how badly that defies all logic and knowledge of Ryunarasu?" Out of his pocket came a dark yellow scroll of parchment. "It's listed here in the Scroll of Parathemé." He read out a passage near the middle of the scroll once he had unrolled it. "'No Mortal shall tame or defeat an opposing, non-related Ryunarasu in a strict time span of five seconds or less'!"
"Why are you carrying that thing around anyway?"
"You invented it! You should know!"
Suddenly, he was yanked flat onto the earth, the silver chain ringing as he fell.
"You're on my murder list!" were the last few words he shouted at me before he was dragged away. "I hope you know that!"
"Aw, Oni!" cried Narcissus' voice out of nowhere. "That's the sixty-second person you've added to your list today!"
"Sixty-third, I'll correct you."
"It doesn't matter."
"Yes it does. I am a king of assassins. Don't tell me my murder lists don't matter!"
After that, they started babbling and sort of arguing about how important Onikunshu's murder lists were, and how unimportant they were in comparison to other things in nature. Flowers, for example. (We could hear his voice shrieking, "EVIL PETITE FLOWERS OF THE WIMPY FIELDS! BURN THEM ALL DOWN!!!") I could feel the awkward stares from my fellow authors pressing on my back as I searched for other sources of help. The presence of the stares maddened me slightly. It was like Edgar Allan Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart*.
"Okay!" I exclaimed, finally turning around to face them. "So he's a bit psychotic too! But aren't we all?!"
But then I discovered... that it was not the gaze of my companions that were upon me.... I can recall the moment ever so clearly. The eyes, huge, big, blue, round, shiny, perty-ful**, and... stuff! The pale skin was stretched perfectly over a perfectly shaped face. And the texture of the skin! Smooth. White and creamy. Pale not like death, as were some of my characters, but pale like the fairness... of stars! Evil stars that glared down upon me from their sockets in the eyes of mighty Varda herself. Varda I had admired, but the pure light of the elves... oh Manwë, I was so frightened. It glowed in her features like... like radioactive nuclear waste in the process of being launched to the Sun at a five-billion point nine velocity, using the energy of a thousand volts of lightning, hurling through the many galaxies (even if the Sun is in our galaxy) only so that it may be devoured by the massive gap of gravity!... with many glowing lighsticks attached to it!
Oh! I also jumped out of the tree screaming for my life.
~*~
I found everyone in my office after I had searched the campus. Phantom and Amarth were near Joe's desk, chatting quietly and darkly about something serious. Kitty, Newmoon, Coffeegirl, and Penelope had found the deck of abandoned playing cards under my desk, and were currently playing "War", the endless cardgame resembling advantage and conquering... and defeat. Kitty frowned as Newmoon tossed an Ace on top of the pile. I sighed.
Using my eyes would not help me to identify the other guests in my office. There were new voices coming from different parts of the file cabinet. Thus, only my ears could help me find newcomers. Oh, and my sense of touch helped too, because some few blinks after that, a drawer burst open and I found myself in a tight head-lock from Naurglahad. She was grinning evilly at me, fingering a light green grape in her hand.
"AIEE!" I shrieked, pointing at the grape. "HEALTHY FOOD STUFFS IN MY OFFICE! HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING? NOOOOOOO!!!"
Naurglahad smacked my head to prevent me from going totally hysterical. "No time to whine," she said calmly. She took a seat in my chair behind my desk. "The Mary-Sues," at this point, she popped the grape into her mouth. I paled. Forbidden nutrition... "Are beginning to populate FFNH. We can't stand here like this. It's not like too many of them listen to Creative Critique either!"
She jumped out of the chair and took swift strides to the Fiction Dome. Pressing a random button on the keyboard, she called into the speaker microphone, "Wisdom! Ember! Get out here! And you too, Elenmir!" The two elves and mortal stumbled out of the Fiction Dome. "Jack! Blue! Ted! Out here, double-time!" Jack trudged out the doorway, as if he did not enjoy tolerating orders from a nagging female. But he kept his mouth shut and led his fellow outlaws out of the Fiction Dome.
"Let's see..." Her emerald green eyes scanned all six OC's. "Ah. Ari! Kallo! Where are you?"
"Argh. She called me Kallo! You're getting everyone on to calling me that! Why?"
"I don't know. Just because I love you."
Naurglahad took no hesitation in sticking a knife up to Ari's face. "I don't want the sappy stuff." Ari paled slightly. She was one of Kitty's OCs. Ari, or Arlotiel, had blue eyes, but red hair, perfectly good enough to avoid the Mary-Sue blonde hair. And Kallo, Morikallo, really, was a guard of Rivendell with dark hair and brown eyes. As their story proceeded***, Morikallo was sent to Rivendell by Elrond, where Ari attacked him (well, actually kinda' accidentally fell on him... she thought she killed him, though). Even though these two were quite the opposite in personalities, Morikallo was dark as Ari was very happy, they would eventually fall in love, as Kitty has predicted and announced to readers.
"No sappy stuff!" Naurglahad repeated, twirling her knife and sheathing it back into her scabbard. "I'm feeling anti-romance at the moment."
Everyone's eyes immediately averted to Onikunshu in expectation for him to say something like: "I'm always anti-romance. You inherit it from me!" But instead, he kept staring down at the silver chain still wrapped around his ankle. We flinched as his dark green eyes turned up to Morikallo. "You see this?" He pointed down at the chain sternly. Morikallo nodded. "This is going to be you in twenty years after you and that she-elf get together. Watch your back."
"Yeah, yeah," grumbled Naurglahad, waving her father's warning aside with her hand. "Whatever." She rubbed her left temple with her left index and middle fingers. "We have a serious problem here. The Mary-Sue's are on the rampage. And sadly, I don't think my sniper gun is going to be enough to take them all out."
"Evil reincarnation powers..." muttered Newmoon.
"Right." She began pacing around the room. "Now... I agree with Amarth. This really could be a setup."
"It's a trap," said Penelope. "It must be."
"We almost got killed when we went searching for it... right after the telephone!" She slammed her hand on Joe's desk, causing a few of his papers to fly off and flutter to the green carpet. "This isn't right."
"No," muttered Jack. "Of course it's not right."
"A pretty clever monster we have here," said Blue, crossing his arms.
"Very clever," agreed Coffeegirl.
"But not clever enough to outsmart any Ryunarasu, I should say," shot Onikunshu suddenly. He blinked as his eyes widened. "Holy Sirwe***! I just contributed to the conversation! That's not right!" He yanked open a drawer of the file cabinet and stepped in, completely falling into its fictional abyss of storage space. He vanished.
"We need alliances," continued Naruglahad. "We need our own support group. We could not be the only ones that have seen the flyer!"
"So it all boils down..." started Phantom.
"To either get to that clue," I concluded. "Or take action now!"
*Great freaky story. Edgar Allan Poe creeps me out a bit though...
**"pretty-ful"
***Read Kitty's fic: Love Never Fails
**** Sirwe- Ryunarasu deity. See my site: http://naheka.tripod.com/
It's my birthday on Monday! I finally get to turn thirteen! I've been wanting to be an official teenager for... a really really long time! YES! And now, because I'd feel uncomfortable posting an actual individual fic, I'll do my little parody right here.
CONVERSATION SECTION #1: THE BIRTHDAY PARODY
Naheka: Yay! I get to turn thirteen!
Naurglahad: You mean that all this time, I've been ordered around by a wimpy twelve-year old?!!
Naheka: I'm not wimpy! (mutters) Just sensitive...
Naurglahad: You wuss.
Naheka: SHUT UP!
Naurglahad: We should all shut up!
Everyone: ...(silence)
Naheka: Thanks, OC! You just killed my birthday parody!
Naurglahad: You're welcome!
Naheka: (smacks her forehead)
Naurglahad: Anytime!
END