Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs
to JRR Tolkien. All Authors and OC's used by request/permission.
Author's Note:
Happy Christmas!
-Naheka
THE FILE CABINET
"That Saiyan girl," I muttered under my breath, taking the binoculars down from my dazzling green eyes. Yes, my eyes are just the most beautiful gems in the world, aren't they? Any ways... I took the binoculars down from my face. "For the sake of Venus, Greek goddess of love and beauty, she will pay." I turned to my companion who stood silently beside me, probably, like, meditating and becoming one with the nature. It's just so natural for us perfectionists.
"Angawende?" I asked politely. "Tell me honestly," I placed my slender hand on her shoulder. "Is this shade of pink beautiful or charming? Please, give me your honest opinion. I'd like, totally perish if my nails didn't match with my naturally blonde and silky hair."
"Estelithanenigedwenna?" replied Angawende in a deep, rough tone. "You need to learn how to shut up.... And that color is absolutely... perfect on you." She sighed heavily and began painting more brush strokes on the yellow parchment clipped to her polished mahogany clipboard. It like, totally matched so totally well.
"Oh please, Anga," I squeaked wittily. "You can just call me Estelia. Because it, like, so totally matches with the name 'Estel'." I gave a pretty and charming sigh at this point. Oh, the many men it killed. "He's like, so totally rugged and handsome, that Aragorn, isn't he? That Arwen is such a---"
"Yes, yes," replied Anga in the same monotonous tone. "Now, our first battle plan." She handed me the clip board. "Gather the troops. We train at dawn. Two o' clock sharp. Do you understand?"
For some odd reason, she was glaring at me because I was innocently twirling my perfect hair around my perfect fingers. You can't blame a girl for being absentminded, you know? Of course you do. I took a look at the parchment. Upon its glossy coat was a pattern of black lines, X's, and O's. It looked really really complicated, one line streaking through five O's and two X's, but since I'm really really smart, I completely understood it.
"Are you summoning us from our Beauty Sleep just to practice?" I accused. "How silly! We're perfectly trained, and we can all figure out the plan!"
"I don't care," grunted Angawende. She folded her strong arms covered in white velvet over her chest. "Let me gloat and brag," she grinned rather evilly at this point, "about how high in status I am. That way, it'll be clear about how important this is to me." She sat down on the grass under the mallorn tree and crossed her legs. "By three, I could wrestle a boar. By five, I could do Pre-Algebra. At nine, I could read and speak twenty different languages. " Her head turned east and looked dreamily into the sunset. "By twelve, I could sprint a mile and a half straight without stopping. At sixteen, I became a lieutenant in the family army. At nineteen, I had tamed over fifty different species of Dragons and beasts. Twenty-two and I was the Queen of Mirkwood. Twenty-five, I could grow a forest in one hour."
She stood up, brushing a ringlet of dark auburn hair out of her pale complexion. "I am twenty-eight now, Estelia." Her dark green eyes stared into my prettier ones. "Why do you question my authority?"
"Ooh!" I squealed excitedly. "Very nice! You've got me stone cold! You always know exactly what to say! That's just so perfect of you, Anga! Just like meee!"
Anga only turned away from me. Her head was bowed and her eyes were sorrowful, yet desiring.
"Oh, Anga," I sighed, giving her a comforting pat on the shoulder. "I know your dark and disturbed past bothers you. I mean, I know you've probably lost your beautiful kingdom to Sauron, and that one day, you'll return to power and Leggy-weggy will be by your side."
"Sauron was my ally in power when I was sixteen," she snorted. "And Saruman was my Arithmancy Professor. My first apartment was in Barad-dur, my baseball team had Uruk-hai on it, and I drank beer with outlaws. I had Nazgul for buddies in college, and I ran with the hell-hounds."
"... Oh, Anga! You lie very well."
"Why would I?"
"Mm, never mind."
Well, no doubt about it. We were the perfect army, and we had the... perfect captain.
~*~
"Naheka, go back to sleep... and take Narcisuss with you. She's annoying me."
A pulse of headache thrashed in my brain as I flipped through the thick leather book of plan sheets. I found my daughter's chest of books in the file cabinet, hoping that I would get something out of it. My father had told me that to defeat the enemy, you must become the enemy. Of course, I had hated both my father and my mother for as long as I could remember. Greedy whores that never....
Apparently, Naurglahad's plan-style was very much similar to my own. The was the problem; they were near faultless. I could not come up with a plan that could subdue my own. How could I unstick this?
"Can't I just give my Dragon Lord a kiss goodnight?" inquired Narcisuss softly and sweetly, allowing herself to brush my cheek with her hand. I knocked her hand aside.
"Back off, woman," I grumbled, continuing to sketch the designs of a new battle strategy print on the parchment in front of me. "Make yourself useful and summon Morikallo from watch duty. It's Jack's turn to watch, anyway. After that, I want you to go straight to bed, and not to bother me."
"Fine then," she hissed acidly. "Be that way. I'll do your assine chores for you. But don't expect me to support you when your bed is cold."
She strode off into the cold darkness, her pace strong and steady against the rocks of the Mordorian landscape. I liked it better when she was bitter like that. It is much more appealing to me, for it shows no weakness in her. A small grin appeared secretly on my face. But very, very, very much to my dismay... she came back and---
"You didn't think I was going to leave you without a goodnight kiss, did you?" she exclaimed happily, watching me topple off my seat on a rock and gasp for breath, spitting and coughing. "Heh heh heh. There's some medicine for the bounty hunter! Ha!" Then she went skipping off.
"Argh..." I ignored the assertively concerned stares from young Morikallo, and clambered back onto my rock. Shaking my head, I pushed my sheet of battle tactics towards him. "You're a smart lad in combat, aren't you?" I asked. "Tell me... what can I do to improve this plan?"
Morikallo studied the sheet carefully, his eyes moving along every line, dot, and inscription. After a long moment, he pushed it back to me. "There is nothing wrong with these tactics, sire. They're as well-prepared and perfect as possible. It requires very little ammunition, and not the bulkiest soldiers. Defense is balanced with the offense, and it seems you have your timing down perfectly."
"...Then..." I pressed my thumb and index finger on the candle that rested in a nearby crevice. The flame died in an instant. "We are doomed."
~*~
"This sucks like Writer's Block on a Friday eve," groaned Phantom, rolling her elbows into the feeble pillow in front of her.
"Well," sighed Penelope. "At least Joe brought us something a bit more comfortable to sleep on." She tugged on the squashy purple sleeping bag she had nestled herself into.
"Purple is the color of Jesus. Purple is the color of Jesus," I kept muttering, my hands folded together. "Purple is the color of Jesus. Purple is the color of Jesus...."
"We shouldn't have to say our prayers for God to save us," commented Newmoon.
"Yes!" exclaimed Amarth. "We should ask the Valar for the strength to defeat evil in battle!"
"We should do that!" agreed Coffeegirl in the same tone.
"Turn it off," muttered Vana, who was speaking to the Head Muse.
Head Muse was plopped in front of a mini portable TV, gaping at none other than an episode of Double Jeopardy. "Never."
"Stop it." "No." "You'll hurt your eyes." "What does it matter to you?" "A lot." "Liar." "Just stop watching TV." "Prepare for the Ice Age!" "Could you knit me a sweater?" "Get Joe to teach you how to knit." "He tried. I got the needle stuck in the doorknob." "How'd you do that?" "Something tells me I don't want to know." "Funny how we can have this conversation blockade, eh?" "Hey, Coffeegirl? Where'd you get that print out the last time I noted how complicated blockade conversations are?" "I dunno'." "It was... just there!" "Yeah!" "Who's saying what?" "I don't know. Who cares." "I'm sleepy." "Me too."
"'Night all," I heard someone say once I had closed my eyes. I clenched them tight, took a deep sigh, then knew no more.
~*~
"AAAAAHHH!"
"AAAAAHHH!"
"AAAAAHHH!"
"What was in your dream?!" cried a horrified Newmoon, shaking her head in attempt to wake herself up as quickly as possible.
"Mary-Sue!" shouted several people simultaneously.
"I f-fell into Middle-earth after wishing on a stupidly mysterious… thingy! I can't remember what it was!" I wailed. "And then, everythin' went black, and when I woke up, Legolas was pointing an arrow at me! And ye' know what I was thinking in my dream?"
"Please spare us the details," moaned Phantom, burying her face in her hands. "You thought he was… 'hot' didn't you?"
"Yeeesssss!" I started screaming frantically, waving my hands about hysterically.
"Well guess what?" announced Phantom in reply. "I had the same dream too!"
We all inhaled and shrieked, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"Wh-what's all the ruckus?" hollered Joe, jumping into the scene with a Morgul blade drawn.
I jumped up in his face and yanked his collar. "Mary-Sue haunts us all!"
"Oh," he said calmly. "I thought you were all dying or something."
"WE WERE DYING!"
"…Point."
"Point."
He shook his head and told us to go back to sleep. He was still muttering under his breath as he walked out of the area and sheathed his sword. However, none of us could go back to sleep that night. Nay. Though Penelope pointed out that there was a full moon in the sky, it only made us feel worse. Mary-Sues loved to go dancing in the fields, singing to the night and praising the stars. It was worse than an elf praising nature after being deprived from the sky for a week or so. I recalled stumbling upon one pining as she sat alone… under a table in the Great Cafeteria. It was so sad, stupid sad, that is.
"He started," began Kitty.
"Worshipping you and wooing you with twenty-dozen ballads, right?" suggested Europa in horror.
"I wanna' get outta' here!" moaned Coffeegirl. "But it's too dark, and the Mary-Sues might attack---"
"WATCH OUT!"
"AAAAAHHH!"
"AAAAAHHH!"
"Eeeekk!"
"Eeek?"
"Ugh! Like, 'eek' is just more... feminine, you know?"
Everyone's attention was turned to a figure that stood in the dark. She looked rather tall, and seemed very petite and slender judging by the way the moonlight illuminated her form. As Phantom batted a flashlight on, we could clearly see the tattered plaid skirt she wore, with platform boots and tight black shirt. 'LEGOLAS IZ MYN, SO F**K OFF!' was still flashing at us. My brow furrowed. It was that Mary-Sue girl. She was an enemy.
"How may we help you?" I asked cautiously. "Lost?"
"Like, sure am!" she replied. "I'm totally lost, and I, like, can't find my way back. Can one of you really really nice people please please please be nice and, like, lead me out of this totally unfashionable place? I mean, I'm not scared of it. I'm totally, like, the bravest person I know."
My tone darkened as everyone else's face darkened. "The only person who knows his way out of this labyrinth is Joe."
"Ooh, Joe?" The girl's tone had a seductive interest in it. I didn't like it. "Is he, like, an Elf with long silky hair and a totally hot physique?"
"Actually, he's---"
"Even better!"
She scrambled up a rocky hill and into darkness, calling after Joe. We could only rely on our ears to tell what happened next. Alas, if only we could see what was happening. But we all burst into loud and hysterical laughter as we heard high pitched feminine shrieks come from over the hillside. "IT'S A NAZGUL! I MUST SLAY IT!" Then she started screaming again. "LIKE, HOLY VANE!---"
"Vana!" corrected Amarth. Of course, the Mary-Sue Author was much too stubborn to listen.
"EVEN AFTER, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES OF FENCING CLASSES, HE CAN STILL BEAT ME! NOOO! LEGOLAS! WHERE IS YOU?"
"Goodnight," I chuckled, resting my head down on my pillow again.
Maybe there was a winning hope, even if Onikunshu doubted it.
I... must... have... insanity in this story! Give me stupid humor ideas! I neeeeedd theeeeemmm.... Sssuuuuggggaarrr.... must have sugar....
And once again, requests for input of characters are not being accepted.
Thanks!
Naheka
Author's Note:
Happy Christmas!
-Naheka
THE FILE CABINET
"That Saiyan girl," I muttered under my breath, taking the binoculars down from my dazzling green eyes. Yes, my eyes are just the most beautiful gems in the world, aren't they? Any ways... I took the binoculars down from my face. "For the sake of Venus, Greek goddess of love and beauty, she will pay." I turned to my companion who stood silently beside me, probably, like, meditating and becoming one with the nature. It's just so natural for us perfectionists.
"Angawende?" I asked politely. "Tell me honestly," I placed my slender hand on her shoulder. "Is this shade of pink beautiful or charming? Please, give me your honest opinion. I'd like, totally perish if my nails didn't match with my naturally blonde and silky hair."
"Estelithanenigedwenna?" replied Angawende in a deep, rough tone. "You need to learn how to shut up.... And that color is absolutely... perfect on you." She sighed heavily and began painting more brush strokes on the yellow parchment clipped to her polished mahogany clipboard. It like, totally matched so totally well.
"Oh please, Anga," I squeaked wittily. "You can just call me Estelia. Because it, like, so totally matches with the name 'Estel'." I gave a pretty and charming sigh at this point. Oh, the many men it killed. "He's like, so totally rugged and handsome, that Aragorn, isn't he? That Arwen is such a---"
"Yes, yes," replied Anga in the same monotonous tone. "Now, our first battle plan." She handed me the clip board. "Gather the troops. We train at dawn. Two o' clock sharp. Do you understand?"
For some odd reason, she was glaring at me because I was innocently twirling my perfect hair around my perfect fingers. You can't blame a girl for being absentminded, you know? Of course you do. I took a look at the parchment. Upon its glossy coat was a pattern of black lines, X's, and O's. It looked really really complicated, one line streaking through five O's and two X's, but since I'm really really smart, I completely understood it.
"Are you summoning us from our Beauty Sleep just to practice?" I accused. "How silly! We're perfectly trained, and we can all figure out the plan!"
"I don't care," grunted Angawende. She folded her strong arms covered in white velvet over her chest. "Let me gloat and brag," she grinned rather evilly at this point, "about how high in status I am. That way, it'll be clear about how important this is to me." She sat down on the grass under the mallorn tree and crossed her legs. "By three, I could wrestle a boar. By five, I could do Pre-Algebra. At nine, I could read and speak twenty different languages. " Her head turned east and looked dreamily into the sunset. "By twelve, I could sprint a mile and a half straight without stopping. At sixteen, I became a lieutenant in the family army. At nineteen, I had tamed over fifty different species of Dragons and beasts. Twenty-two and I was the Queen of Mirkwood. Twenty-five, I could grow a forest in one hour."
She stood up, brushing a ringlet of dark auburn hair out of her pale complexion. "I am twenty-eight now, Estelia." Her dark green eyes stared into my prettier ones. "Why do you question my authority?"
"Ooh!" I squealed excitedly. "Very nice! You've got me stone cold! You always know exactly what to say! That's just so perfect of you, Anga! Just like meee!"
Anga only turned away from me. Her head was bowed and her eyes were sorrowful, yet desiring.
"Oh, Anga," I sighed, giving her a comforting pat on the shoulder. "I know your dark and disturbed past bothers you. I mean, I know you've probably lost your beautiful kingdom to Sauron, and that one day, you'll return to power and Leggy-weggy will be by your side."
"Sauron was my ally in power when I was sixteen," she snorted. "And Saruman was my Arithmancy Professor. My first apartment was in Barad-dur, my baseball team had Uruk-hai on it, and I drank beer with outlaws. I had Nazgul for buddies in college, and I ran with the hell-hounds."
"... Oh, Anga! You lie very well."
"Why would I?"
"Mm, never mind."
Well, no doubt about it. We were the perfect army, and we had the... perfect captain.
~*~
"Naheka, go back to sleep... and take Narcisuss with you. She's annoying me."
A pulse of headache thrashed in my brain as I flipped through the thick leather book of plan sheets. I found my daughter's chest of books in the file cabinet, hoping that I would get something out of it. My father had told me that to defeat the enemy, you must become the enemy. Of course, I had hated both my father and my mother for as long as I could remember. Greedy whores that never....
Apparently, Naurglahad's plan-style was very much similar to my own. The was the problem; they were near faultless. I could not come up with a plan that could subdue my own. How could I unstick this?
"Can't I just give my Dragon Lord a kiss goodnight?" inquired Narcisuss softly and sweetly, allowing herself to brush my cheek with her hand. I knocked her hand aside.
"Back off, woman," I grumbled, continuing to sketch the designs of a new battle strategy print on the parchment in front of me. "Make yourself useful and summon Morikallo from watch duty. It's Jack's turn to watch, anyway. After that, I want you to go straight to bed, and not to bother me."
"Fine then," she hissed acidly. "Be that way. I'll do your assine chores for you. But don't expect me to support you when your bed is cold."
She strode off into the cold darkness, her pace strong and steady against the rocks of the Mordorian landscape. I liked it better when she was bitter like that. It is much more appealing to me, for it shows no weakness in her. A small grin appeared secretly on my face. But very, very, very much to my dismay... she came back and---
"You didn't think I was going to leave you without a goodnight kiss, did you?" she exclaimed happily, watching me topple off my seat on a rock and gasp for breath, spitting and coughing. "Heh heh heh. There's some medicine for the bounty hunter! Ha!" Then she went skipping off.
"Argh..." I ignored the assertively concerned stares from young Morikallo, and clambered back onto my rock. Shaking my head, I pushed my sheet of battle tactics towards him. "You're a smart lad in combat, aren't you?" I asked. "Tell me... what can I do to improve this plan?"
Morikallo studied the sheet carefully, his eyes moving along every line, dot, and inscription. After a long moment, he pushed it back to me. "There is nothing wrong with these tactics, sire. They're as well-prepared and perfect as possible. It requires very little ammunition, and not the bulkiest soldiers. Defense is balanced with the offense, and it seems you have your timing down perfectly."
"...Then..." I pressed my thumb and index finger on the candle that rested in a nearby crevice. The flame died in an instant. "We are doomed."
~*~
"This sucks like Writer's Block on a Friday eve," groaned Phantom, rolling her elbows into the feeble pillow in front of her.
"Well," sighed Penelope. "At least Joe brought us something a bit more comfortable to sleep on." She tugged on the squashy purple sleeping bag she had nestled herself into.
"Purple is the color of Jesus. Purple is the color of Jesus," I kept muttering, my hands folded together. "Purple is the color of Jesus. Purple is the color of Jesus...."
"We shouldn't have to say our prayers for God to save us," commented Newmoon.
"Yes!" exclaimed Amarth. "We should ask the Valar for the strength to defeat evil in battle!"
"We should do that!" agreed Coffeegirl in the same tone.
"Turn it off," muttered Vana, who was speaking to the Head Muse.
Head Muse was plopped in front of a mini portable TV, gaping at none other than an episode of Double Jeopardy. "Never."
"Stop it." "No." "You'll hurt your eyes." "What does it matter to you?" "A lot." "Liar." "Just stop watching TV." "Prepare for the Ice Age!" "Could you knit me a sweater?" "Get Joe to teach you how to knit." "He tried. I got the needle stuck in the doorknob." "How'd you do that?" "Something tells me I don't want to know." "Funny how we can have this conversation blockade, eh?" "Hey, Coffeegirl? Where'd you get that print out the last time I noted how complicated blockade conversations are?" "I dunno'." "It was... just there!" "Yeah!" "Who's saying what?" "I don't know. Who cares." "I'm sleepy." "Me too."
"'Night all," I heard someone say once I had closed my eyes. I clenched them tight, took a deep sigh, then knew no more.
~*~
"AAAAAHHH!"
"AAAAAHHH!"
"AAAAAHHH!"
"What was in your dream?!" cried a horrified Newmoon, shaking her head in attempt to wake herself up as quickly as possible.
"Mary-Sue!" shouted several people simultaneously.
"I f-fell into Middle-earth after wishing on a stupidly mysterious… thingy! I can't remember what it was!" I wailed. "And then, everythin' went black, and when I woke up, Legolas was pointing an arrow at me! And ye' know what I was thinking in my dream?"
"Please spare us the details," moaned Phantom, burying her face in her hands. "You thought he was… 'hot' didn't you?"
"Yeeesssss!" I started screaming frantically, waving my hands about hysterically.
"Well guess what?" announced Phantom in reply. "I had the same dream too!"
We all inhaled and shrieked, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"Wh-what's all the ruckus?" hollered Joe, jumping into the scene with a Morgul blade drawn.
I jumped up in his face and yanked his collar. "Mary-Sue haunts us all!"
"Oh," he said calmly. "I thought you were all dying or something."
"WE WERE DYING!"
"…Point."
"Point."
He shook his head and told us to go back to sleep. He was still muttering under his breath as he walked out of the area and sheathed his sword. However, none of us could go back to sleep that night. Nay. Though Penelope pointed out that there was a full moon in the sky, it only made us feel worse. Mary-Sues loved to go dancing in the fields, singing to the night and praising the stars. It was worse than an elf praising nature after being deprived from the sky for a week or so. I recalled stumbling upon one pining as she sat alone… under a table in the Great Cafeteria. It was so sad, stupid sad, that is.
"He started," began Kitty.
"Worshipping you and wooing you with twenty-dozen ballads, right?" suggested Europa in horror.
"I wanna' get outta' here!" moaned Coffeegirl. "But it's too dark, and the Mary-Sues might attack---"
"WATCH OUT!"
"AAAAAHHH!"
"AAAAAHHH!"
"Eeeekk!"
"Eeek?"
"Ugh! Like, 'eek' is just more... feminine, you know?"
Everyone's attention was turned to a figure that stood in the dark. She looked rather tall, and seemed very petite and slender judging by the way the moonlight illuminated her form. As Phantom batted a flashlight on, we could clearly see the tattered plaid skirt she wore, with platform boots and tight black shirt. 'LEGOLAS IZ MYN, SO F**K OFF!' was still flashing at us. My brow furrowed. It was that Mary-Sue girl. She was an enemy.
"How may we help you?" I asked cautiously. "Lost?"
"Like, sure am!" she replied. "I'm totally lost, and I, like, can't find my way back. Can one of you really really nice people please please please be nice and, like, lead me out of this totally unfashionable place? I mean, I'm not scared of it. I'm totally, like, the bravest person I know."
My tone darkened as everyone else's face darkened. "The only person who knows his way out of this labyrinth is Joe."
"Ooh, Joe?" The girl's tone had a seductive interest in it. I didn't like it. "Is he, like, an Elf with long silky hair and a totally hot physique?"
"Actually, he's---"
"Even better!"
She scrambled up a rocky hill and into darkness, calling after Joe. We could only rely on our ears to tell what happened next. Alas, if only we could see what was happening. But we all burst into loud and hysterical laughter as we heard high pitched feminine shrieks come from over the hillside. "IT'S A NAZGUL! I MUST SLAY IT!" Then she started screaming again. "LIKE, HOLY VANE!---"
"Vana!" corrected Amarth. Of course, the Mary-Sue Author was much too stubborn to listen.
"EVEN AFTER, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES OF FENCING CLASSES, HE CAN STILL BEAT ME! NOOO! LEGOLAS! WHERE IS YOU?"
"Goodnight," I chuckled, resting my head down on my pillow again.
Maybe there was a winning hope, even if Onikunshu doubted it.
I... must... have... insanity in this story! Give me stupid humor ideas! I neeeeedd theeeeemmm.... Sssuuuuggggaarrr.... must have sugar....
And once again, requests for input of characters are not being accepted.
Thanks!
Naheka