Bomb Squad
Author's Note/Disclaimer: Some more crude slapstick humor before we go on with the more serious stuff. And I don't own the X-men Evolution franchise. Jay and Silent Bob were largely inspired from the two characters of the same name in Mallrats. My favorite scene from Mallrats inspired part of this chapter as well.
~ ~ ~ ~
"Where are those two slackers I found hanging around the girl's bathroom?" Principal Kelly asked himself after he had regained consciousness. He awoke to find Kitty Pryde complaining about two students, a chubby bearded fellow and a longish haired skinny boy hanging around the girl's bathroom a little over an hour ago.
Silent Bob and Jay were crouched inside the janitor's closet. Suddenly Jay started waving his hands in front of his face. The air was starting to get foul inside the small, poorly ventilated space. Opening the door for fresh air was out of the question because Principal Kelly was standing right outside.
What got them into this mess was the sighting of a suspicious blue creature running away, using the water fountain beside the girl's bathroom as cover. They thought it might be connected to the bomb threat Ted had been talking about.
All Jay was hoping for was that Principal Kelly decided to get the heck out of there in a hurry because the closet was really starting to smell like rotten fish and overripe meat and a trace of the previous day's lunch. Suddenly the closet door fell open and Jay gasped several breaths of clean air that was not redolent of methane.
He yelled to Silent Bob, "Man, what did you have for breakfast?"
"Oh and yours smell like roses." Silent Bob replied,
"Guys what the hell are you doing in the janitor's closet?" a familiar voice that wasn't Principal Kelly asked. It was Nate Wenzl.
"Would you believe finding a bomb?" Jay asked.
"Oh God that gorilla thing didn't find it, and now it's Plan B." Nate said, "You guys are about as good at infiltration as pigs are at flying."
"Huh?" Silent Bob asked.
"Oh never mind, just find that stupid bomb, do your stuff and get the heck out of Dodge." Nate replied.
Much later, Jay and Silent Bob were hunting up and down the school, looking for anything that looked even vaguely suspicious. "Hey Jay, check this out." Silent Bob said as he rifled through a backpack near a locker.
"Did you find the bomb?" Jay asked.
"Nah, I found something really disturbing." Silent Bob said, holding up a spiral bound notebook, "Hmm, fairly disturbing sketches of some guy named Duncan, some guy named Scott, and some thirty-some dude named Logan.Gross.And some certain private thoughts. Oww someone's time of the month has come along.she's thinking seriously of doing some pretty hideous things to some chick named Taryn at this school."
"Like what?" said a voice that wasn't Jay's. Silent Bob whirled around to see a silver haired blur go by him. The kid moved almost inhumanly fast, zipping to the other side of Silent Bob's ponderously bulky form when he turned around.
"Uh some real nasty shit, evisceration, hanging, pulling out her finger nails, that sort of thing." Silent Bob replied.
"Oh this is priceless, can I have it dude?" Pietro Maximoff said, being uncharacteristically friendly.
"Uh, sure dude, take it." Silent Bob replied, tossing the notebook to Pietro who proceeded to vanish at high speed.
"What are you two doing going through my bag?!" an angry voice belonging to none other than Jean Gray shouted.
"Run for it!" Jay shouted. He and Silent Bob proceeded to run as fast as their legs could carry them.
Silent Bob was suffering the inherent huffing and puffing common to the overweight when they attempt to run very far. "C'mon fat ass get the lead out!" Jay shouted, "She's gaining on us."
"I'm (gasp) running (gasp) as (gasp) fast (gasp) as (gasp) I (gasp) can." Silent Bob huffed.
At that moment Scott Summers came out of the boy's bathroom. "Gangway! Mad redhead on the loose! HELLLPPP!!!" Jay shouted.
"Jean?" Scott asked quizzically when he saw two guys he had never seen before, a chubby bearded guy and a skinny blond haired kid with longish hair. He didn't have time to ask Jean whatever he intended to ask because both of those two collided with him at high speed, and trampled over him. The fat kid's foot landing square on his stomach, narrowly missing landing on a very important area that would have rendered him sterile if his foot landed upon it.
"Scott?" Jean asked, "Are you okay, those two maniacs took my notebook."
Scott groaned, clutching his abdomen where one of the maniacs that weighed over two hundred pounds had landed.
"Are you all right?" Jean asked, calming down, and temporarily forgetting about her stolen notebook. Thankfully she didn't know that Pietro Maximoff and the Brotherhood had gotten their hands on the notebook and its contents.
Jean tenderly helped Scott to his feet and brushed the dust off his sweater. Their arms were around each other for a few seconds longer than necessary to get Scott to his feet and Taryn happened to have seen this little scene and from what it looked like Jean and Scott were sharing a tender moment. She turned and ran.
"Taryn, wait!" Scott said coming after her.
"Scott, what was the big idea of stringing me along like that? Was I nothing more to you than someone to hang around with until Jean made up her mind about whether or not she wanted Duncan or you?" Taryn said, turning on Scott.
"Taryn, I can explain." Scott replied.
"No need to explain. Just get out of my life Scott Summers!" Taryn yelled back, tears streaming into her eyes. She stormed off, as Scott stood dumbfounded.
Meanwhile Jay and Silent Bob were trying to find where exactly the explosive device to blow the school up was hidden. They saw a suspicious character leave Principal Kelly's office, a guy wearing a hooded sweater and baggy jeans. The guy's hood was up, shadowing his face, but the grayish green hue of the skin of his nose was enough of a clue that they were facing an orc.
"Let's get in that office and get rid of that bomb." Jay said.
As the pair was about to get into the office a mean looking old butch of a lady stood directly in their path. "And what are you two gentlemen doing? Do you want to see Principal Kelly? He's on his lunch break right now."
"Uh, yeah, we do." Silent Bob said lamely, seeing Jay trying to sneak into the office out of the corner of his eye.
Unfortunately the wide framed and mean looking office secretary saw Jay out of the corner of her eyes and fixed him with a glare that was strong enough to punch a hole through the hull of a tank. Jay and Silent Bob were frog marched out of the office, "If I ever catch you goons trying to break into Principal Kelly's office again you're going to be in detention so long that you won't be seeing the light of day."
The mean looking office secretary, Edna, gave the pair a mean look and continued, "And I'll be standing outside this door just to make sure you don't get inside."
"We'll see about that." Jay grumbled.
A short time later Jay was filling one of his socks full of quarters. "Now here's the plan for operation Drive By, you run up behind old prune face with this sock full of quarters and whack her upside the head. I'd do it but I've gotta get into Principal Kelly's office and defuse that bomb." Jay said.
"Right." Silent Bob said, whirling the sock full of quarters and running towards Edna at full speed.
Unfortunately a certain X-man, Evan Daniels, had one of his many skateboard accidents, courtesy of Pietro Maximoff. He was skating down the halls at full speed unaware that there was a length of rope about to be strung into his path. He was aware of the stretched taut rope too late as a silver blur swept across the hallway and he collided with the rope. Evan fell off his skateboard but the skateboard itself was in motion.
The skateboard skidded along the ground right in Silent Bob's path and his foot landed atop the skateboard. Out of control Silent Bob's flailed his arms attempting to knock out Edna. Unfortunately he missed almost completely, landing the sock full of quarters into her arms and crashing through the drywall into the girl's bathroom.
"You pervert!!!" Jean Gray shouted and started hitting Silent Bob.
A little later Silent Bob came back up the stairs to where Jay was sitting, "Any more bright ideas bonehead?"
"Yeah. This is Operation Dark Knight. Now remember your helmet, make sure the cable is in place and get ready, get set, and go."Jay shouted
Silent Bob stood atop a balcony with a rope around his waist. He was wearing goggles and a crash helmet shaped like Batman's cowl. He spread his black leather trench coat like a cape, striking a dramatic pose, and swung forward, arms out ready to knock out crabby old Edna.
Edna ducked to pick up a quarter she saw on the ground just as Silent Bob would have landed the knockout blow. Silent Bob overshot and crashed headfirst through the wall of the girl's bathroom a second time. "You sicko!" Kitty shouted and punched him in the face, sending him back out the wall and swinging backward. This time he knocked Edna out cold. Unfortunately Silent Bob was out cold as well and swinging back and forth in a Batman costume from the ceiling of the school.
"Time to go to work." Jay said after cutting down Silent Bob. They went into Principal Kelly's office and found a large package sitting under his desk.
They looked over the bomb and finally found the triggering device. Jay took the blasting cap from the explosive, fortunately it was only a large C4 demolition charge with a simple trigger, child's play for an EOD tech. As clumsy as they were with everything else, Jay and Silent Bob were wizards at getting rid of explosives.
The tiny fist sized trigger started beeping. It was only a small initiating charge but it would make a big enough boom to remove Silent Bob's meaty hand. "Oh shit." they moaned simultaneously and ran, Silent Bob tossing the explosive to Jay.
"I don't want it!" Jay shouted, "You take it!"
"No you!" Silent Bob shouted.
"No you!" Jay replied.
They ran into the boy's bathroom past an extremely surprised Kurt Wagner and threw the trigger in the toilet and flushed it down. They walked out into the parking lot and out of the school just as the trigger exploded underground in the septic tank throwing a plume of sewage, waste water, and dirt into the air that landed on Principal Kelly.
"I hate my life." Principal Kelly groaned.
Author's Note/Disclaimer: Some more crude slapstick humor before we go on with the more serious stuff. And I don't own the X-men Evolution franchise. Jay and Silent Bob were largely inspired from the two characters of the same name in Mallrats. My favorite scene from Mallrats inspired part of this chapter as well.
~ ~ ~ ~
"Where are those two slackers I found hanging around the girl's bathroom?" Principal Kelly asked himself after he had regained consciousness. He awoke to find Kitty Pryde complaining about two students, a chubby bearded fellow and a longish haired skinny boy hanging around the girl's bathroom a little over an hour ago.
Silent Bob and Jay were crouched inside the janitor's closet. Suddenly Jay started waving his hands in front of his face. The air was starting to get foul inside the small, poorly ventilated space. Opening the door for fresh air was out of the question because Principal Kelly was standing right outside.
What got them into this mess was the sighting of a suspicious blue creature running away, using the water fountain beside the girl's bathroom as cover. They thought it might be connected to the bomb threat Ted had been talking about.
All Jay was hoping for was that Principal Kelly decided to get the heck out of there in a hurry because the closet was really starting to smell like rotten fish and overripe meat and a trace of the previous day's lunch. Suddenly the closet door fell open and Jay gasped several breaths of clean air that was not redolent of methane.
He yelled to Silent Bob, "Man, what did you have for breakfast?"
"Oh and yours smell like roses." Silent Bob replied,
"Guys what the hell are you doing in the janitor's closet?" a familiar voice that wasn't Principal Kelly asked. It was Nate Wenzl.
"Would you believe finding a bomb?" Jay asked.
"Oh God that gorilla thing didn't find it, and now it's Plan B." Nate said, "You guys are about as good at infiltration as pigs are at flying."
"Huh?" Silent Bob asked.
"Oh never mind, just find that stupid bomb, do your stuff and get the heck out of Dodge." Nate replied.
Much later, Jay and Silent Bob were hunting up and down the school, looking for anything that looked even vaguely suspicious. "Hey Jay, check this out." Silent Bob said as he rifled through a backpack near a locker.
"Did you find the bomb?" Jay asked.
"Nah, I found something really disturbing." Silent Bob said, holding up a spiral bound notebook, "Hmm, fairly disturbing sketches of some guy named Duncan, some guy named Scott, and some thirty-some dude named Logan.Gross.And some certain private thoughts. Oww someone's time of the month has come along.she's thinking seriously of doing some pretty hideous things to some chick named Taryn at this school."
"Like what?" said a voice that wasn't Jay's. Silent Bob whirled around to see a silver haired blur go by him. The kid moved almost inhumanly fast, zipping to the other side of Silent Bob's ponderously bulky form when he turned around.
"Uh some real nasty shit, evisceration, hanging, pulling out her finger nails, that sort of thing." Silent Bob replied.
"Oh this is priceless, can I have it dude?" Pietro Maximoff said, being uncharacteristically friendly.
"Uh, sure dude, take it." Silent Bob replied, tossing the notebook to Pietro who proceeded to vanish at high speed.
"What are you two doing going through my bag?!" an angry voice belonging to none other than Jean Gray shouted.
"Run for it!" Jay shouted. He and Silent Bob proceeded to run as fast as their legs could carry them.
Silent Bob was suffering the inherent huffing and puffing common to the overweight when they attempt to run very far. "C'mon fat ass get the lead out!" Jay shouted, "She's gaining on us."
"I'm (gasp) running (gasp) as (gasp) fast (gasp) as (gasp) I (gasp) can." Silent Bob huffed.
At that moment Scott Summers came out of the boy's bathroom. "Gangway! Mad redhead on the loose! HELLLPPP!!!" Jay shouted.
"Jean?" Scott asked quizzically when he saw two guys he had never seen before, a chubby bearded guy and a skinny blond haired kid with longish hair. He didn't have time to ask Jean whatever he intended to ask because both of those two collided with him at high speed, and trampled over him. The fat kid's foot landing square on his stomach, narrowly missing landing on a very important area that would have rendered him sterile if his foot landed upon it.
"Scott?" Jean asked, "Are you okay, those two maniacs took my notebook."
Scott groaned, clutching his abdomen where one of the maniacs that weighed over two hundred pounds had landed.
"Are you all right?" Jean asked, calming down, and temporarily forgetting about her stolen notebook. Thankfully she didn't know that Pietro Maximoff and the Brotherhood had gotten their hands on the notebook and its contents.
Jean tenderly helped Scott to his feet and brushed the dust off his sweater. Their arms were around each other for a few seconds longer than necessary to get Scott to his feet and Taryn happened to have seen this little scene and from what it looked like Jean and Scott were sharing a tender moment. She turned and ran.
"Taryn, wait!" Scott said coming after her.
"Scott, what was the big idea of stringing me along like that? Was I nothing more to you than someone to hang around with until Jean made up her mind about whether or not she wanted Duncan or you?" Taryn said, turning on Scott.
"Taryn, I can explain." Scott replied.
"No need to explain. Just get out of my life Scott Summers!" Taryn yelled back, tears streaming into her eyes. She stormed off, as Scott stood dumbfounded.
Meanwhile Jay and Silent Bob were trying to find where exactly the explosive device to blow the school up was hidden. They saw a suspicious character leave Principal Kelly's office, a guy wearing a hooded sweater and baggy jeans. The guy's hood was up, shadowing his face, but the grayish green hue of the skin of his nose was enough of a clue that they were facing an orc.
"Let's get in that office and get rid of that bomb." Jay said.
As the pair was about to get into the office a mean looking old butch of a lady stood directly in their path. "And what are you two gentlemen doing? Do you want to see Principal Kelly? He's on his lunch break right now."
"Uh, yeah, we do." Silent Bob said lamely, seeing Jay trying to sneak into the office out of the corner of his eye.
Unfortunately the wide framed and mean looking office secretary saw Jay out of the corner of her eyes and fixed him with a glare that was strong enough to punch a hole through the hull of a tank. Jay and Silent Bob were frog marched out of the office, "If I ever catch you goons trying to break into Principal Kelly's office again you're going to be in detention so long that you won't be seeing the light of day."
The mean looking office secretary, Edna, gave the pair a mean look and continued, "And I'll be standing outside this door just to make sure you don't get inside."
"We'll see about that." Jay grumbled.
A short time later Jay was filling one of his socks full of quarters. "Now here's the plan for operation Drive By, you run up behind old prune face with this sock full of quarters and whack her upside the head. I'd do it but I've gotta get into Principal Kelly's office and defuse that bomb." Jay said.
"Right." Silent Bob said, whirling the sock full of quarters and running towards Edna at full speed.
Unfortunately a certain X-man, Evan Daniels, had one of his many skateboard accidents, courtesy of Pietro Maximoff. He was skating down the halls at full speed unaware that there was a length of rope about to be strung into his path. He was aware of the stretched taut rope too late as a silver blur swept across the hallway and he collided with the rope. Evan fell off his skateboard but the skateboard itself was in motion.
The skateboard skidded along the ground right in Silent Bob's path and his foot landed atop the skateboard. Out of control Silent Bob's flailed his arms attempting to knock out Edna. Unfortunately he missed almost completely, landing the sock full of quarters into her arms and crashing through the drywall into the girl's bathroom.
"You pervert!!!" Jean Gray shouted and started hitting Silent Bob.
A little later Silent Bob came back up the stairs to where Jay was sitting, "Any more bright ideas bonehead?"
"Yeah. This is Operation Dark Knight. Now remember your helmet, make sure the cable is in place and get ready, get set, and go."Jay shouted
Silent Bob stood atop a balcony with a rope around his waist. He was wearing goggles and a crash helmet shaped like Batman's cowl. He spread his black leather trench coat like a cape, striking a dramatic pose, and swung forward, arms out ready to knock out crabby old Edna.
Edna ducked to pick up a quarter she saw on the ground just as Silent Bob would have landed the knockout blow. Silent Bob overshot and crashed headfirst through the wall of the girl's bathroom a second time. "You sicko!" Kitty shouted and punched him in the face, sending him back out the wall and swinging backward. This time he knocked Edna out cold. Unfortunately Silent Bob was out cold as well and swinging back and forth in a Batman costume from the ceiling of the school.
"Time to go to work." Jay said after cutting down Silent Bob. They went into Principal Kelly's office and found a large package sitting under his desk.
They looked over the bomb and finally found the triggering device. Jay took the blasting cap from the explosive, fortunately it was only a large C4 demolition charge with a simple trigger, child's play for an EOD tech. As clumsy as they were with everything else, Jay and Silent Bob were wizards at getting rid of explosives.
The tiny fist sized trigger started beeping. It was only a small initiating charge but it would make a big enough boom to remove Silent Bob's meaty hand. "Oh shit." they moaned simultaneously and ran, Silent Bob tossing the explosive to Jay.
"I don't want it!" Jay shouted, "You take it!"
"No you!" Silent Bob shouted.
"No you!" Jay replied.
They ran into the boy's bathroom past an extremely surprised Kurt Wagner and threw the trigger in the toilet and flushed it down. They walked out into the parking lot and out of the school just as the trigger exploded underground in the septic tank throwing a plume of sewage, waste water, and dirt into the air that landed on Principal Kelly.
"I hate my life." Principal Kelly groaned.